- 6 months ago
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00:00The Lucy Show
00:10Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Oh, boy, it's the biggest sale I ever went to.
00:51Oh, what a mob!
00:53Yeah, I never saw such shoving and pushing in my whole life.
00:57Shove, shove, shove, push, push, push.
00:59And some of the women still wouldn't let me through.
01:04That's so funny.
01:05Who ever said women were the weaker sex never went shopping with us?
01:10That's for sure.
01:11Gee, I wish that bus would come. I'm so tired.
01:14You know, they had some marvelous bargains there today, Lucille.
01:16They sure did. That's why I wanted to go to that store.
01:19You know, I have to be very careful of every penny that I spend.
01:23Well, how come then you bought three steam irons?
01:26Well, when they're marked down like that, you have to take advantage of it.
01:32At that price, they were a steal.
01:35Lucy, what are you going to do with three steam irons?
01:38Well, you never know when two of them are going to break down.
01:41That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
01:44Well, you know, you should talk. Last week you bought a hundred pound sack of dog food.
01:48Oh, well, that was half price.
01:50You don't even have a dog.
01:52I might get one someday.
01:56Oh, ho, ho, ho.
01:57Want a bite?
01:58Oh, no, honey, I'm on a diet.
02:00You are?
02:01Yeah, I've been on a diet for a couple of weeks.
02:03I didn't know that.
02:05Yeah.
02:05For heaven's sake.
02:09Now, Lucy, you did it again.
02:12I did what again?
02:12You threw paper on the sidewalk.
02:15Oh, that.
02:16Listen, you do that all the time.
02:18The other day you threw peanut shells all over the street.
02:21You know, you could get arrested for that.
02:23I could get arrested?
02:24Yes.
02:25Of course, you know, it's very serious.
02:27That's against the Keep America Beautiful campaign.
02:30You might have committed a federal offense.
02:33A federal offense?
02:35I just hope nobody saw you.
02:37Oh, for heaven's sake, I better get it.
02:39No, no, Lucy.
02:40What?
02:41Policeman.
02:43Policeman?
02:43Yeah.
02:46Do you think they saw what I did?
02:49I don't know.
02:51Mary Jane, promise me something.
02:52What?
02:54If anything happens, save yourself.
02:57Pretend you don't know me.
02:58Lucy, I can't do that.
03:00Promise me.
03:00Oh, I promise.
03:08Excuse me, lady.
03:10Does that bank belong to you?
03:13I beg your pardon, sir?
03:14Are you addressing me?
03:16Yes, madam, I was addressing you.
03:18Does that bag belong to you?
03:21Well, yes.
03:22As a matter of fact, it does.
03:23Oh.
03:24Okay, sister, it's all over.
03:25Let's go.
03:26I beg your pardon?
03:27Go where?
03:27You can cut that innocent act.
03:29You have any identification?
03:32Well, I have a little birthmark,
03:34but I'm certainly not going to show it to strangers.
03:38I just don't go around showing it to strangers.
03:41Let me see your driver's license.
03:43I don't have a driver's license.
03:45I don't even have a car.
03:47What's your name?
03:48Lucille Carmichael.
03:50Lucille Carmichael.
03:52Ha!
03:53Phony name.
03:53I've never heard one.
03:54It is not a phony name.
03:56Lucille Carmichael is my real name, isn't it?
03:58Tell them what my name is.
04:00Lady, I never saw you before in my life.
04:03Are you coming along quietly,
04:08or do we have to get tough?
04:11Well, if you feel that way about it,
04:13imagine making a federal offense
04:15over a little thing like this.
04:17I'll take care of that.
04:18Oh, thank you.
04:19Holy smokes, sister.
04:20What have you got in here?
04:22Well, three steam irons and...
04:23My, my.
04:25You have had a busy day.
04:26You like to do things in a big way, don't you?
04:31Well, not really,
04:32but they were such a steal.
04:36Come on, lady.
04:37Let's go.
04:38All right.
04:38Come on.
04:40All right.
04:40How are you doing?
04:45Now, Lieutenant,
04:46we're sure that this Carmichael dame
04:48is the red-headed shoplifter
04:50that's been pulling all these big jobs.
04:52We caught her with a stuff right on her.
04:54Those pearls were in her shopping bag.
04:56Okay, bring her in.
05:00Bring her in, Miller.
05:09Hi.
05:10Hi.
05:12Your name is, uh, Carmichael.
05:14Lucille Carmichael, yes.
05:15Lucille is spelled with two L's.
05:17Three if you count the first one.
05:19Uh, officers Peters and Miller.
05:22My name is Lieutenant French.
05:24Well, I'm very happy to meet you all.
05:27And you have no idea
05:29how happy we are to meet you.
05:31Oh, thank you.
05:32Uh, won't you sit down?
05:33Oh, thank you.
05:37Now, just to get off on the right foot,
05:39it is my duty to inform you
05:41that anything you say
05:42will be held against you.
05:44Oh, yes, sir.
05:45And that you have a right to legal counsel
05:47if you so desire.
05:48Oh, no.
05:49Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
05:51It isn't that big a thing.
05:53Oh?
05:56Well, suppose we all just settle back
05:59and you tell us what you did today.
06:01Oh, well, now that's not going to be
06:04very entertaining.
06:06We'll find it fascinating.
06:08Oh, well, okay, where shall I start?
06:11Why don't we start with the beginning
06:12this morning?
06:13This morning.
06:14Well, let's see now.
06:15I got up early,
06:16about a quarter of eight, I think.
06:17Maybe it was ten of.
06:19Yeah, about ten of eight, I think.
06:20And I read the paper.
06:22I always read the paper every morning.
06:23And I saw this ad for this marvelous sale.
06:26And I just love sales.
06:28So, I call Mary Jane, and I...
06:31Uh-uh, uh, uh, Mary, who's Mary Jane?
06:36Uh, she's my cat.
06:42Do you often phone your cat?
06:45Oh, yes, always.
06:46Always when she's away from home.
06:49I always call her and I say,
06:51what's new, pussycat?
06:52Well, let's, uh, let's forget
06:55the feline phone calls.
06:56Tell us about this sale you went through.
06:58Oh, well, as I say, I love sales.
07:00And, well, I'm the sort of person
07:02who just cannot resist
07:03picking up a few things.
07:06Waking a mess.
07:08So, just like that,
07:10you decided to go shopping.
07:12Oh, yes, I do it all the time.
07:14Especially when I don't feel
07:15like going to the bank.
07:17Bank?
07:18Yeah, that bank job
07:19gets so monotonous.
07:21We'll talk about
07:22the bank job later.
07:24Oh.
07:25Yeah.
07:25Right now, we'd like to hear
07:27about your shopping.
07:28All right, but why?
07:30Lady, when you've been shopping,
07:32word gets around.
07:34Oh, I didn't know that.
07:38Well, you better believe it, sister.
07:40Well...
07:41So, you went shopping
07:42and you picked up a few things.
07:44Well, more than a few.
07:46More than a few.
07:47There were, let's see now,
07:48three steam irons,
07:49a little bottle of cologne,
07:51a pair of curtains,
07:53two pair of curtains,
07:54and, uh...
07:55Oh, I found a new eyelash curler
07:58and, uh, a floor lamp.
08:00Floor lamp?
08:01Where was that?
08:02It wasn't in the bag.
08:03Well, of course not.
08:04You just can't walk out
08:05carrying a floor lamp.
08:10It's being delivered.
08:12By the store?
08:14Certainly.
08:15Boy, what nerve!
08:18You shot pretty good.
08:20Well, thank you.
08:21It isn't easy.
08:22With a crowd around like that,
08:23you have to be fast.
08:26Well,
08:27that takes care of the preliminaries.
08:30Now to the main event.
08:32I beg your pardon?
08:33The reason you're here.
08:35Oh, that.
08:36Oh, well,
08:37as a matter of fact,
08:37I'd like a chance
08:38to explain that.
08:40Would you really?
08:41Yes, you see,
08:43uh,
08:44I'm,
08:44I'm really not
08:45that kind of person.
08:47I,
08:47I just wasn't thinking.
08:49You mean you had
08:50a mental aberration?
08:54Uh,
08:54I,
08:55I could have had that,
08:56yeah.
08:56Now,
09:01Carmichael,
09:02let's level.
09:02You've been doing stuff like this
09:04all over town,
09:04haven't you?
09:05Well,
09:06I don't know about that.
09:07I,
09:08I,
09:09I don't remember.
09:10I,
09:10You don't remember.
09:11You're just not talking,
09:13are you?
09:13Well,
09:14who remembers things like that?
09:16Do you remember
09:16every time you drop
09:17a gum wrapper
09:18on the sidewalk?
09:19I don't chew gum.
09:21Do you?
09:22Look,
09:23let me refresh your memory.
09:24About six weeks ago,
09:25you were on Western Avenue,
09:27weren't you?
09:28Western Avenue?
09:29That's right.
09:30First shop,
09:31there was a sable cape
09:32in the window.
09:34Remember a sable cape?
09:36Well,
09:36uh,
09:37Western Avenue.
09:38Sometimes I go down Melrose
09:39and I,
09:41oh,
09:41Western,
09:42oh,
09:42now I remember.
09:44Oh,
09:44yeah.
09:45Peanuts,
09:46that's what it was,
09:47peanuts.
09:47Peanuts?
09:48Yeah.
09:49I finished it off
09:50and just,
09:51didn't even think about it.
09:54I admit it,
09:55I admit it,
09:55but it was just
09:56a little bag.
09:57A little bag?
09:58Lady in our book,
09:59that's a big bag.
10:00That cost somebody
10:00$4,000.
10:03Well,
10:04I don't understand that.
10:06Oh,
10:06not much,
10:07you don't.
10:07I gotta admit,
10:08Carmichael,
10:08you are really something.
10:09She's the coolest
10:10cookie I ever saw,
10:11Lieutenant.
10:12Yeah,
10:12she's a real criminal type.
10:14No conscience,
10:16no nerves.
10:17You better get yourself
10:17a good lawyer.
10:18You're gonna need one.
10:19Well,
10:20gee whiz,
10:21the way you talk,
10:22you think I committed
10:22a robbery or something.
10:24It's a robbery,
10:25you heaven forbid.
10:27Well,
10:27I don't see why
10:28I can't just pay
10:28a little fine
10:29and go home.
10:30A little fine,
10:30you'll be lucky
10:31if you get off
10:32with less than
10:3210 years.
10:3410 years?
10:36It was only
10:36a chocolate-covered
10:37coconut caramel
10:38cream wrapper.
10:39I think maybe
10:40we ought to call
10:41in the psychiatrist.
10:42So do I,
10:43he's nuts.
10:46Now,
10:46I don't know if I can explain
10:47it if you'll just
10:48give me a chance.
10:48and explain it
10:49to the judge.
10:50Get her out of here.
10:51Come on,
10:51I never heard
10:52of such a thing
10:53in my life.
10:54Ten years
10:54for heaven's sake.
11:08Get it.
11:10Hey,
11:11hog it.
11:12What do you want,
11:13Tinkerbell?
11:14You got company.
11:21Why do you always
11:22dump all the garbage
11:23in on me?
11:27What do you want?
11:29Well,
11:29please,
11:31maybe I can have
11:32a private room?
11:34A private room,
11:36dearie?
11:37Well,
11:37next time,
11:38why don't you
11:39call in advance
11:40for a reservation?
11:41We'll give you
11:42a nice room
11:43with a view.
11:44But I don't think
11:45I'm very welcome here.
11:46Aw,
11:47you're as welcome
11:49as the flowers
11:49in May.
11:52But she sounds
11:53so tough.
11:55She
11:55is tough.
11:57And you
11:58better be tough,
11:59too,
12:00or she'll
12:01crush you
12:01like a marshmallow.
12:03Now,
12:03get it.
12:03that's my pillow.
12:16That's my pillow.
12:30and I'll take it.
12:30Yeah,
12:31I'll talk to you
12:31you guys.
12:32Oh.
12:32Oh.
12:32Oh,
12:32oh,
12:33yeah,
12:34yeah,
12:34yeah,
12:35yeah,
12:35yeah,
12:36yeah,
12:36yeah.
12:37Yeah,
12:39yeah, yeah.
12:39What are you in for, kid?
13:05Don't call me kid.
13:06I don't care.
13:08What's your handle?
13:09Steel Knuckles Carmichael.
13:14My friends call me Nuck.
13:17Oh, hey, Nuck.
13:18What you in for?
13:22Just getting rid of some paper.
13:26Oh, passing counterfeit moolah, huh?
13:30What?
13:31Ha-ha.
13:32Hey, you're in the big leagues, kid.
13:36I said don't call me kid.
13:37Oh, I'm sorry, muck.
13:39It's not muck, it's Nuck.
13:40Okay, Nuck.
13:44Gee, don't get so excited.
13:46All right.
13:55Boy, what a crummy joint this is.
13:58Oh, I don't know.
14:00This hat ain't bad.
14:02I've been a lot worse.
14:04Yeah?
14:06What's your handle?
14:08Hardhead Hogan.
14:11Hardhead?
14:12How'd you ever get a name like that?
14:14I'm a bouncer in a beer hall.
14:18I know.
14:19Bite him with my head.
14:20I get him right about here.
14:22Boop.
14:23Up they go like a light.
14:25Yeah, I can see why.
14:27It's a natural talent.
14:29Had it since I was a kid.
14:31Guess you was just born lucky, huh?
14:33Ah, it's got its drawbacks.
14:35I got a tough time keeping my hair curled.
14:42But then, everybody's got problems.
14:45Yeah, well, that's one way of looking at it.
14:47What are you in for?
14:48Assault and battery.
14:49Oh?
14:50Yeah.
14:51It was all a misunderstanding.
14:53Sure, sure it was.
14:55I was framed.
14:56Sure you was.
14:59I've been having a little trouble with my eyes lately.
15:01Oh?
15:02I butted a guy the other night.
15:03And instead of him going out the door,
15:05I put him right through the wall.
15:08No kidding.
15:10Yeah, it was messy.
15:13But a perfectly innocent mistake.
15:15Sure, sure it was.
15:20You know something, Hardhead?
15:26What?
15:27Uh, I'd like a nice hot cup of coffee.
15:37I'll just ring for room service.
15:47What's all the racket in here?
15:49Tinkerbell.
15:50My roommate would like a nice hot cup of coffee.
15:55But of course.
15:59And would madam like sugar and cream in her coffee?
16:03Well, a little cream and no sugar.
16:05I'll take saccharine because I've been on a diet
16:07and I wouldn't want to put...
16:08Oh, shut up!
16:15Boy, the nerve of her.
16:18I'll tell you one thing,
16:19if she does bring me my coffee,
16:20I ain't going to give her no tip.
16:27Hey, you know you're all right, Cluck.
16:29Not Cluck.
16:30No.
16:33I'm glad you like my style.
16:35I think you and me are going to go great together.
16:37Yeah.
16:37Now listen.
16:39I'm going to let you in on something.
16:41What?
16:43Stay here.
16:43I figured out a way to beat this rap.
16:55They don't call me hardhead for nothing.
16:56I got it all mapped out.
16:59I'm busting out of here.
17:01Doing a bird.
17:03You mean...
17:03You mean you're going to try to escape?
17:08Now you got it, kid!
17:09Don't call me kid!
17:12Oh, I'm sorry, knock!
17:14No, it's not knock, it's Cluck.
17:16No, knock.
17:18Oh, knock.
17:20Okay.
17:20Now, here's the way we're going to do it.
17:22We?
17:23What do you mean, we?
17:24You and me!
17:25What do you think I've been talking about?
17:27We're partners.
17:28Now, here's the plan.
17:30As soon as Tinkle Bell comes in here,
17:33I'm going to bite her in the breadbasket
17:34and bounce her right off that wall.
17:38And then you and me
17:39will burn it.
17:45Right out of here.
17:46How do you like that?
17:48Well, um...
17:49Hardhead, if you don't mind,
17:50I'd, uh...
17:52I'd like to think about it a little bit, you know.
17:55What's to think?
17:56Well, uh...
17:57We're partners, remember?
17:58Yeah, but, uh...
17:59Honey!
18:00You don't argue with hardhead!
18:02Well, I...
18:03Ah!
18:04Lieutenant Finch, I can't tell you.
18:17I mean, I just can't tell you
18:19what it means to have these pearls
18:21returned to my jewelry store.
18:22You've done a magnificent job.
18:25Well, save the compliments.
18:26Can you recall what happened?
18:27Well, I was showing these pearls to a client
18:30and I left them on the counter
18:32when this red-headed creature walked in.
18:34I thought she was just rousing,
18:36but when I turned my back
18:38for just a moment,
18:39she swooped up the pearls
18:41and was gone.
18:42I mean...
18:43That sounds like her, all right.
18:45The slickest shoplifter in town.
18:47We've been after her for months.
18:48Now, would you know her
18:49if you saw her again?
18:50Oh, I most certainly would.
18:52The incident is indelibly
18:53impressed on my mind.
18:55I shall remember that face for years.
18:58That red hair.
18:59Good, good.
19:00Matron, bring in the girls for the lineup.
19:02Okay, come on, girls.
19:04Step lively.
19:05Come on.
19:05Pick them up.
19:06Get over here.
19:10Face the front.
19:11All right, Mr. Trendle.
19:17All we need is a positive identification.
19:19Just pick her out.
19:20Well?
19:35Uh, I'm not sure.
19:37Never in a thousand years, huh?
19:39Well, I didn't anticipate
19:41so many redheads.
19:42What did you figure
19:43on a bunch of Yulebrenners?
19:46All right, Mr. Trendle.
19:48Which one?
19:49Well, Lieutenant,
19:50it's very difficult.
19:51These girls are all
19:52so innocent looking.
19:54Innocent?
19:55Most of these babes
19:56would make Ma Barker
19:57look like a campfire girl.
19:59Well, I can't help that.
20:00The woman I saw
20:01was much tougher looking.
20:03All right, girls.
20:04Look tough for Mr. Trendle.
20:05Real tough.
20:14Yes!
20:14That's the one
20:16I'd never forget
20:17in a thousand years.
20:18That's the one
20:19that's hers.
20:20Step forward, Queenie.
20:21Rest of you debutantes
20:22back to your penthouses.
20:24All right, come on.
20:24Let's go.
20:25Come on.
20:27You're nominated, Queenie.
20:28Well, what am I nominated for?
20:30Miss Lightfingers of the Year.
20:32Oh, man.
20:33I can explain that.
20:34Are you the head
20:34of the Keep America Beautiful campaign?
20:36Because I can explain everything.
20:37You can explain it in my office.
20:39Get her in there.
20:40Now, just a minute.
20:41Just a minute.
20:41I know my rights.
20:42My constitutional rights.
20:43I'm entitled to make one phone call.
20:46Oh, you're going to call
20:47your lawyer, I suppose.
20:48No, my manicure is
20:49I'm going to cancel my appointment.
20:50Oh, my man.
20:51I didn't know I was
20:52supposed to do this.
20:53Oh, my man.
20:58Well, we got a strong case
21:01against you now.
21:02You were positively identified.
21:04Picked out of a line up
21:05by a reliable witness.
21:06You could make it
21:07a lot easier on yourself
21:08by signing a confession.
21:09A confession
21:10for a little thing like that?
21:12It's the silliest thing
21:12I ever heard of.
21:15Boss?
21:15Yeah?
21:16Uh, there's some people
21:17out here to see the prisoner.
21:18Who are they?
21:19I don't know.
21:20I don't know.
21:21Mr. Mooney!
21:23Mrs. Carmichael!
21:25What in the world?
21:33Lucy!
21:34Lucy, are you all right?
21:35What's it to you?
21:36I never saw you before
21:37in my life, Mary Jane.
21:39Mary Jane?
21:40Oh, this is the pussycat
21:42you made the phone call to.
21:43All right, Mooney,
21:44what's your connection with her?
21:46Mrs. Carmichael
21:47happens to work for me.
21:48Hey, Lieutenant,
21:49this looks like a regular gang.
21:51He must be the big boss.
21:54Boss?
21:54Gang?
21:55What's he talking about?
21:56What?
21:57Would you please explain
21:58what's going on here?
21:59Yes, sir.
21:59Well, it all started
22:00with a chocolate-covered
22:01coconut caramel cream wrapper.
22:03There she goes again.
22:04She's being booked
22:06for grand larceny.
22:08Grand larceny?
22:09Grand larceny?
22:11Grand larceny!
22:12That's right,
22:13little Sir Echo.
22:15Mr. Mooney,
22:16you know Lucy
22:16never stole anything
22:17in her life.
22:18Well, that's true.
22:20She is not dishonest.
22:21Oh, she's incompetent,
22:23scatterbrained,
22:24bungling,
22:25inefficient,
22:27disorganized,
22:28incoherent,
22:29and stupid.
22:30But she is not dishonest.
22:34Thank you, Miss Mooney.
22:40Thank you for sticking up for me.
22:42Look, Mooney,
22:42there's no question about it.
22:44We caught her with her goods.
22:45What goods?
22:46Well, to begin with,
22:47she was walking around
22:48with three steam irons
22:49in her bag.
22:50Now, does that sound
22:51normal to you?
22:53For her, yeah.
22:58Of course,
22:59I'd never be able
23:00to explain it, but...
23:01Oh, but listen,
23:01I can explain that.
23:02You just stand there,
23:03pussycat,
23:04and purr quietly.
23:06But I didn't feel anything yet.
23:08I get anyone
23:08to believe that.
23:10No, but she'll have
23:10a long time to try.
23:12She'll be out of circulation
23:13for ten years.
23:15Ten years?
23:17Yeah.
23:17Well, now,
23:21Mrs. Carmichael,
23:22don't you worry
23:22about a thing.
23:23We will get you
23:24the best lawyers in town.
23:25In your case,
23:26we will have no difficulty
23:28proving insanity.
23:32Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
23:35oh, no,
23:35there, there, there, there.
23:36Don't cry.
23:37It's all right for you
23:38to say not to cry
23:39because you don't have
23:40anything to cry about.
23:41But suppose it was
23:42your wife that was
23:43being sent away
23:44for ten years.
23:45This is no time
23:48for wishful things.
23:52Now, sir,
23:53I want you to know
23:53that I'm an important
23:54man in this city.
23:55Boss!
23:56What do you want?
23:57Hold everything.
23:58You got the wrong dame.
23:59What do you mean
23:59I got the wrong dame?
24:00This is the redhead
24:01who stole the pearls.
24:03She just signed
24:03a confession.
24:04Okay, Miller,
24:05book her.
24:07Well,
24:08Mrs. Carmichael,
24:09it seems that there's
24:10been a slight
24:11misunderstanding.
24:12Well, there certainly
24:13has been.
24:14Can I go now?
24:15Oh, yes, yes.
24:15Well, thank you.
24:16Well, I don't know
24:16what's going on.
24:18Get in there.
24:19I did.
24:19What happened?
24:20Well, when I butted
24:22Tinkerbell in a breadbasket,
24:23she bounced me
24:25off the wall.
24:26Oh.
24:28Well, you can't win
24:29them all, honey.
24:31Well, anyway,
24:32you got your private
24:32room back.
24:33I just got sprung.
24:35Oh.
24:36Gee, I'm going
24:37to miss you, cluck.
24:38Knock, cluck, knock.
24:39Knock, cluck.
24:40Did you say knock?
24:42Knock, knock.
24:42Knock, knock.
24:43Knock, knock.
24:43Knock, knock.
24:43Knock, knock.
24:45Knock, knock.
25:15¶¶
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