- 6 months ago
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00:00The Lucy Show
00:12Starring Lucille Ball
00:18Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Brought to you by
00:37Yeah Marge
00:38Lucy, a Mr. Winchell is on his way in
00:41A Mr. Winchell? Okay, thank you
00:48Come in
00:49Good morning, I'm Paul Winchell
00:51Good morning
00:53I'm so happy to meet you
00:57It's so nice for you to drop in
00:59I'm Lucy Carmichael
01:00Oh, how do you do?
01:01I was told outside that someone here could help me
01:03Oh, well it would be a thrill
01:05Helping a famous person like you, Mr. Winchell
01:07I always read your column
01:11No, that's Walter Winchell, I'm Paul Winchell
01:15Oh, of course
01:17But I knew you were famous
01:18You were a ventriloquist
01:20Yes, that's right
01:21I don't know how I could get so confused
01:23When you're really one of my favorite entertainers
01:25Thank you
01:26Thinks you're so wonderful and so funny
01:28I just get hysterical watching you and Charlie McCarthy
01:31No, that's Edgar Bergen
01:35Oh, of course
01:37You work with Charlie Mahoney
01:39No, Jerry Mahoney
01:41Jerry, that's it
01:43Oh, you know, another thing I love about you
01:45I think you better quit while you're ahead
01:47Oh, maybe you're right
01:49Won't you sit down? What can I do for you, Mr. Winchell?
01:52Oh, thank you
01:53Well, I'm thinking about opening up a savings account here
01:56And they told me that a Mr. Mooney could help explain the bank's interest rates to me
02:00Oh, well, yes he could, but he doesn't happen to be here right now
02:03Oh
02:04I'd be glad to explain our interest rates to you
02:06Oh, fine, thank you
02:07Thank you
02:08Now then, on savings accounts, our bank pays 5% annually
02:145%?
02:15Yes, however
02:16If the money remains on deposit for over 6 months, we compound the interest on a quarterly basis
02:23And this brings the interest to 5 and 3 eighths percent
02:27Oh, I see
02:28Yes, unless
02:29Unless the deposit is made after the tenth of the month
02:33Now, in this case, the interest is 5 and 1 sixteenth percent
02:37Oh, well, then another one
02:38That is if the deposit is more than a thousand dollars under our bonus plan
02:43And it remains in the bank for one year, yet less than 18 months
02:48Then the interest is compounded daily
02:51Daily?
02:52Yes
02:53And it amounts to 5 and 3 quarters percent
02:55Oh, well then
02:56Unless
02:57Oh, when is your birthday?
02:59Uh, December 21st
03:01You're a Sagittarian?
03:02Yes, that's right
03:03Well, you're a Sagittarian and you are eligible for our birthday club
03:07Yes
03:08Now, our birthday accounts allow deposits of $5,000
03:13And the interest is compounded every half hour
03:17And amounts to 5 and 89 one hundredths percent
03:245 and 89 one hundredths percent?
03:27Yes, sir
03:28Providing that you return the set of dishes that we give you when you open your account
03:32Unless you prefer the electric frying pan or the hair dryer
03:37Or you can have an automatic toaster
03:41Which is guaranteed for five years or 50,000 slices of bread, whichever comes first
03:51Would you like me to go over that again?
03:53No, once is enough, Tom
03:54Well, I certainly appreciate you explaining everything to me
03:58Well, you're lucky that I was the one who took care of you
04:00Because I'm one of the few people in the bank that knows about the interest rates
04:03Oh, I could believe that
04:05Well, I think I will open my account here
04:08And thank you very much for your help
04:09Well, thank you
04:10And, and, Mr. Winchester, if there's ever anything else I can help you with
04:13Don't hesitate to call on me
04:15Oh, well, thank you
04:16And if I can ever help you, you just call on me
04:18Well, thank you very much
04:19That's nice
04:20Thank you
04:21I hope to see you again soon
04:22Goodbye
04:23Mr. Mooney's office
04:29Oh, hi, Mary Jane
04:31What?
04:32Oh, well, thank you, dear
04:34But I can't make it Friday night
04:36No, the bank is having its annual employee's dinner and show, remember?
04:40Yeah, Mr. Mooney's out right now
04:42Trying to line up all kinds of celebrities to entertain at the dinner
04:45Yeah, it's gonna be a blast
04:48Yeah, well, thanks for calling anyway, dear
04:52Bye-bye
04:58Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney, how'd you make out?
05:00I didn't
05:01You mean you didn't get anyone to entertain at the dinner?
05:04No one
05:06Oh, I thought it was such a good idea
05:08You calling on the celebrities in person
05:10Well, they all turned me down
05:12They had good reasons, but they turned me down
05:15What good reasons?
05:16Well, Bob Hope is doing a show for the Girl Scouts in Pismo Beach
05:21Jack Benny is on a tour of Fort Knox
05:27And Dean Martin just had an operation
05:29An operation?
05:30Yes, he had a brass rail removed that was pressing on the bottom of his foot
05:36Well, I just don't know who I'm going to get
05:40Oh, gee, aren't there any other movie actors you could call?
05:43Yes, yes, but they're all too busy running for public office
05:47Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael, don't you know someone who can help us out?
05:52Well, now, now, let's see, let's see, we've already gone through our list of clients
05:56Yeah
05:57Oh, dear
05:58Oh, of course, why didn't I think of him before?
06:03Who? Who?
06:04Oh, you know how a thing can be right under your nose and you don't see it?
06:08You don't see why?
06:09You know how a name can be right on the tip of your tongue and you forget it?
06:11What name?
06:12You know how sometimes you can't see the forest or the trees?
06:15What trees?
06:16Sometimes you just
06:17Oh, will you stop babbling and tell me who it is?
06:21The world's greatest ventriloquist, Paul Winchell
06:25Oh, he's wonderful
06:26Yes, he is
06:27But how can I get him? I haven't even met him
06:29Well, I have, he was in the bank a little while ago and I helped him open an account
06:33And he told me that he appreciated it very much and if he could ever do me a favor then I should call on him
06:38So I'll go right over and call on him tonight after work
06:41Mrs. Carmichael, if you can get him, I will see to it that you get a fifty dollar raise
06:47Oh, Mr. Mooney, fifty dollars
06:51Per year
06:53Per year? That isn't even a dollar a week
06:58Hello? Oh, hi, Gary
07:09A golf game?
07:11Uh, no, I can't, I'm rehearsing right now
07:14Oh, yes, shh
07:15Uh, no wealth business, you know
07:17How about next week?
07:19Great!
07:20Okay, thanks, goodbye
07:21Well, you certainly do need to re-hustle, I saw your lips moving
07:24Oh, you funny little snail
07:26I tell you, Snitchy, lately you're just absolutely incorrigible
07:30How dare you say that I'm incorrigi-
07:32That I'm inco-
07:34How come you can say it and I can't?
07:38Because you're not as bright as I am
07:40Now you just sit right down here for a moment
07:43Hello, darling
07:45Well, hello, Tessie
07:48Listen, I, uh, I'd like to talk with you
07:50Oh, it's about time
07:51You've been ignoring me all day
07:53Well, I'm terribly sorry
07:55Well, what do you want to say?
07:57Well, I, uh, hear that you and your boyfriend
07:59Went to a drive-in movie last night
08:01Oh, yes, we did
08:02We had such a wonderful time
08:04Oh, it was so exciting
08:06Those terrific love scenes
08:08Huh, really?
08:09Yes
08:10Tonight we're gonna go back and see the movie
08:12Oh, my boyfriend is so romantical
08:17No
08:18Yes
08:19No
08:20I tell him yes, he tells me no
08:22Uh, you like the boys, I gather
08:25No, I like the ones I gather
08:27Come in
08:30Oh, hello
08:34Oh, Mr. Winchell, I'm sorry
08:36If I'd known your girlfriend was here, I...
08:38I'm not his girlfriend
08:39Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Winchell
08:42I'm not Mrs. Winchell
08:45I'm not married
08:46Oh, I'm sorry
08:47You're sorry
08:49Well, I, I didn't mean to intrude
08:51I'll come back later
08:52No, no, wait a minute
08:53You're not intruding
08:54This is just one of my...
08:55Watch it, Buster
08:57Oh, Mr. Winchell
08:59You fooled me completely
09:01Oh, thank you, Lucy
09:03You remembered my name
09:05Oh, well, it's hard to forget a girl
09:06With such beautiful, natural red hair
09:09Natural?
09:10Ah!
09:13That's not very nice
09:14Now, Lucy, will you sit down?
09:15Thank you
09:16It probably comes out of the peroxide bottle
09:20Well, it certainly is nice to see you, Lucy
09:22Well, thank you
09:23I, I just thought I'd drop by
09:24And bring you one of the bank's calendars
09:26Oh, well, thank you
09:28Maybe ask you a teensy-weensy little favor
09:31A favor?
09:32Yes, you see
09:33The bank is having a dinner
09:34At the Beverly Ritz Hotel Friday night
09:36And, uh, we need someone wonderful like you to entertain
09:39Oh, well, thank you for thinking of it
09:41Uh, what do they intend paying?
09:43Paying?
09:45Oh, well, it's, uh, it's sort of a benefit
09:47A benefit?
09:48For a bank?
09:49Yeah, well, to be honest, it's kind of a benefit for me
09:52Yeah, my boss promised to give me a raise
09:54If I got you to come and entertain
09:55Oh, how much of a raise?
09:56The dollar
09:57A whole dollar?
09:58Boy, he must be one of the last of the big spenders
10:00Yeah, at the bank we call him Diamond Jim Mooney
10:01Well, okay, I'll entertain at the dinner
10:03But I won't do it for Mooney, I'll do it for you
10:05Oh, thank you, you're so wonderful
10:06You don't know what this means to me
10:07Getting a wonderful ventriloquist like you to entertain
10:08You know, I've always been fascinated by ventriloquism
10:09Have you really?
10:10A whole dollar?
10:11A whole dollar?
10:12Boy, he must be one of the last of the big spenders
10:14Yeah, at the bank we call him Diamond Jim Mooney
10:17Well, okay, I'll entertain at the dinner
10:20But I won't do it for Mooney, I'll do it for you
10:22Oh, thank you, you're so wonderful
10:24You don't know what this means to me
10:26Getting a wonderful ventriloquist like you to entertain
10:29You know, I've always been fascinated by ventriloquism
10:33Have you really?
10:34Yes, I have
10:35Well, you know, it can be a very, very interesting hobby
10:37Especially for a woman
10:38Why?
10:39So you can always be sure of having the last word
10:42Oh, I never thought of that
10:44Well, Lucy, we ventriloquists do have an advantage
10:47We can talk to our little wooden friends
10:49And say anything we want about anybody
10:51And it's a great way to let off some steam
10:54Oh, boy, I could use one of your little wooden friends around the office
10:57Gee, have I got a boss
10:59I like to tell him a thing or two
11:02Are they very expensive? Where can I buy one?
11:05Oh, you don't have to buy one, I'll lend you one of mine
11:08Would you?
11:09Why, of course
11:10Oh, that's wonderful
11:11Go ahead, take your pick
11:12Which one would you like?
11:13Take my pick?
11:14Any one you want
11:15Oh, for heavens
11:16Oh, look at them
11:17Oh, he's cute
11:21Oh, thanks a lot, honey
11:28What are you saying?
11:29Thanks a lot, honey
11:30She's talking to me
11:31Oh, come here, you gorgeous hunk of stuff
11:36Your hand
11:39I kiss your hand
11:40I kiss your hand, the damn
11:41Mmm
11:43Oh, cut it out, Casanova
11:45I'm the head guy
11:46Yeah, what a head
11:48I seen a better head on a glass of beer
11:51Oh, I guess you think you're kind of cute with that cockamamie kisser
11:55Oh, look who's talking
11:57Is that your face or are you ad-libbing till Halloween?
12:00Oh, so you want to get tough, do you?
12:05Alrighty
12:06There
12:07Oh, cut
12:08Oh, would you like to have an egg shampoo?
12:15Here you are, kiddo
12:16Why, you, you, okay
12:21Here's one for you, kid
12:22Oh, you want to start in, eh?
12:25Here's my calling card
12:26Now, wait a minute
12:27Yeah, here's one for you
12:28Now, wait a minute, pal
12:29Wait a minute!
12:30Will you wait?
12:31Will you both wait up?
12:32Will you wait one moment, please?
12:33Don't you see I have company?
12:34Yeah
12:35And what company?
12:37Yes, she's got a friend for you
12:46Uh-huh
12:47Uh-huh
12:49Uh-huh
12:51Yeah
12:52Yeah
12:57Yeah
13:08Yeah
13:10Yeah
13:13Hey, listen Lynch
13:14Hey, listen, Lynch, you better do something quick.
13:17I think she just entered the twilight zone.
13:21Lucy?
13:23Lucy?
13:24Lucy?
13:25Yeah.
13:27What?
13:28Welcome back.
13:29Oh, Paul.
13:32Oh, Paul.
13:33You were doing that.
13:35I could have sworn they were alive.
13:38Well, I don't blame you, Lucy.
13:40Sometimes even I forget that they're nothing but a couple of brainless dummies.
13:44Who are you calling brainless?
14:06Gentlemen, in answer to your letter of the 14th,
14:09we are willing to extend the loan provided
14:13all conditions, president.
14:16Mooney speaking.
14:17Mr. Cheever, sir.
14:20Yes, I was the one who got Mr. Winchell
14:23to entertain at our dinner, sir.
14:25Well, thank you, sir.
14:27Well, if you're happy, sir, I'm happy too, sir.
14:31A bonus?
14:32Well, yes, sir, thank you, sir.
14:34Of course, sir, I can come to your office right away, sir.
14:37Yes, sir, immediately, sir.
14:40Yes, sir.
14:41Well, I'll be back in a few minutes, sir.
14:44I mean, Mrs. Carmichael.
14:46Did you hear that?
14:59How do you like old Fatso taking all the credit?
15:05Oh, now, that's not nice.
15:07It's not nice, but it's true.
15:09It's a fat, brass sink.
15:12Oh, Mr. Mooney isn't fat.
15:14He's just a little flabby.
15:16Just a little flabby?
15:18He looks like he cornered the flab market.
15:32Mr. Mooney's office.
15:33I have a person-to-person call for Lucy Carmichael.
15:36Lucy Carmichael speaking.
15:37Go ahead, Las Vegas.
15:39Hello, Lucy?
15:40Yes?
15:40This is Paul Winchell.
15:42Mr. Winchell, what are you doing in Las Vegas?
15:44Don't tell me you can't appear at our dinner.
15:46Old Fatso will fire me.
15:48He'll kill me.
15:48Now, calm down, Lucy.
15:50I'll be at the dinner.
15:51But the dinner is tonight.
15:52Well, I'll be back tonight.
15:53That's why I'm calling you.
15:54Oh.
15:55You see, my plane doesn't arrive in Los Angeles until 9 o'clock,
15:57so you're going to have to do me a favor.
15:589 o'clock?
15:59Yeah.
16:00Oh, all right, anything.
16:00Anything at all.
16:01What?
16:01Okay, now, you go to my apartment, get the keys from the manager,
16:04pick up the dummies, and bring them over to the dinner,
16:06and I'll meet you there.
16:07Oh, go to your apartment, get the keys from the manager,
16:09pick up...
16:10Okay, don't worry.
16:10I'll have them there.
16:11Anything else?
16:12No, that's all.
16:13I'll see you tonight.
16:13All right, Paul.
16:14Yes?
16:14I'll meet you at the back entrance of the Beverly Ritz Hotel.
16:18Very good.
16:18Okay, 9 o'clock.
16:19Right.
16:20Bye.
16:20Goodbye.
16:27Oh, for heaven's sake.
16:29What's the matter?
16:30I forgot to turn off this tape recorder when I left the office.
16:33Oh.
16:33Oh.
16:43Good to work, aren't they?
16:45Now, let's see, where was I?
16:52Oh, yes, that's mine.
16:54What are you doing?
17:01Uh, well, I'm going to change your tape.
17:03Why?
17:03Well, you don't want to use an old tape.
17:06Why not?
17:06Uh, well, you know the proverb.
17:08What proverb?
17:09It's a famous saying.
17:12Uh, if the tape you use and use, someday you will blow a fuse.
17:18Mr. Carmichael, I think you have blown your fuse.
17:22Don't be a hand off that.
17:23Get away.
17:23Get away.
17:23Go, go, go.
17:24Yes, sir.
17:25Let me see now.
17:25Let's see.
17:26How do you like old Fatso taking all the credit?
17:29Oh, now that's not nice.
17:32It's not nice, but it's true.
17:33He got fat for my sake.
17:36Is it sad?
17:37He's just a little flabby.
17:39A little flabby?
17:41He looks like he cornered the flab market.
17:43So I cornered the flab market, did I?
17:52Who was that?
17:54Well, I...
17:54Oh, please, please, Mr. Marie.
17:56Now, don't make me become a stool pigeon.
17:58You'll either be a stool pigeon or a dead duck.
18:01Who wants it?
18:02Who wants it?
18:02Who wants it?
18:03Who wants it?
18:03Well, now, wait a minute.
18:04I don't want to mention any names.
18:05I'll just say that the person who insulted you
18:09was just a brainless, wooden-headed dummy.
18:13All right, Mrs. Carmichael.
18:19Fortunately for you, you defended me.
18:22So you know me, little loyal Lucy.
18:32Uh, Mr. Winchell?
18:34Yes?
18:35Oh, on behalf of the bankers,
18:36I want to thank you, sir, for coming here.
18:38I'm Theodore J. Mooney.
18:40Oh, Diamond Jim.
18:43I beg your pardon?
18:45Uh, never mind.
18:46Uh, where's Mrs. Carmichael?
18:47Well, I don't know.
18:48But it's getting rather late.
18:49Can we start the show?
18:50Uh, well, not until Mrs. Carmichael shows up.
18:52Oh, why not?
18:53Well, she's bringing over my little friends.
18:55Your little friends?
18:57My dummies.
18:58Oh.
18:59Oh.
19:00I see.
19:00Ah.
19:01Hi.
19:01Hello.
19:02Hi, Lucy.
19:02Have fun in Vegas?
19:03Oh, yeah, great.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:04I'm a little late, but there was an awful lot of heavy traffic.
19:07Hello, Mr. Mooney.
19:07Hello.
19:08Lucy.
19:08Yeah.
19:09Where are the dummies?
19:10What?
19:10Where are the dummies?
19:11Oh, they're right...
19:14Oh, no.
19:16Oh, no.
19:17Oh, well, didn't you pick them up?
19:18Uh, yeah, yeah, I picked them up.
19:20I brought them over here in a cab.
19:21Well, then where are they?
19:23Well, I...
19:23They looked so human.
19:24When I got out of the cab,
19:25I thought they were going to follow me.
19:27Follow you?
19:28Yeah.
19:29The show without the dummies?
19:31Maybe the cab is still there.
19:32But, Lucy,
19:33Boy, what a spot to put me into.
19:35How could she do a thing like that?
19:36It's your own fault.
19:38You shouldn't have trusted your dummies with my dummies.
19:42The cab is gone.
19:44Oh.
19:45So are you.
19:47Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Cheever,
19:49and the other members of the bank board
19:51are sitting out there waiting for a show to begin.
19:54And unless a show begins,
19:56you are finished, dismissed,
19:59through, kaput,
20:00canned,
20:01fired,
20:01and sex.
20:04Mr. Brunei?
20:05What?
20:06Does that mean I don't get my dollar?
20:07I shouldn't.
20:13What are we going to do?
20:14Well, I don't know.
20:15I can't go on without the dummy.
20:16Oh, now, wait a minute, Mr. Wendt,
20:17please don't leave.
20:18Well, what'll I do, Lucy?
20:19Well, maybe you can do a few magic tricks.
20:21No, I can't do any magic tricks.
20:22Well, can you sing?
20:23No, I can't sing.
20:24Oh, could you juggle?
20:25I can't do anything without the dummy.
20:27Please, please.
20:27Lucy, what'll I do?
20:28Maybe you can dance a little or something.
20:30I can't even imagine.
20:31No, should I take a little couple?
20:32No.
20:33What?
20:34And now, ladies and gentlemen,
20:37Mr. Paul Wendt.
20:48Take a bow, Tessie.
20:54Take another bow.
20:55A nice big bow, Tessie.
20:56Take a bow.
20:57Very, very good.
21:05Now, Tessie, I want to tell you
21:07that all of the people
21:08in this large and wonderful audience
21:09are very pleased to meet you.
21:11Oh, likewise, I'm sure.
21:16Uh, Tessie.
21:18Uh, what?
21:19Uh, is that perfume I smell?
21:23It is, and you do.
21:26Don't talk.
21:28Oh.
21:29Well, it's a wonderful perfume.
21:31Oh, it costs $50 an ounce,
21:34and it's called
21:35Perhaps.
21:40Perhaps?
21:41Uh, for $50,
21:43it should be positively.
21:46Oh, that's a good one.
21:49Well, I, uh, I'm sure
21:51that it can make a fine impression
21:53on your boyfriend.
21:55We're, we're not seeing each other anymore.
21:58No.
21:59I tell him yes,
22:00he tells me no.
22:03Well, what happened
22:04between you and your boyfriend?
22:06Oh, he's so insulting.
22:08Last night, he told me
22:09to fix the wrinkles
22:10in my stockings.
22:12Well, what's wrong with that?
22:13I wasn't wearing stockings.
22:17Oh, well, uh, Tess, no.
22:20Again, he says no
22:21when I say yes.
22:23Well, I'm sorry
22:24that you broke up
22:25with your boyfriend.
22:26Oh, it's just as well.
22:27We didn't get along lately.
22:29Well, why not?
22:31Well, he had water
22:32on his knee,
22:33and every time
22:33I sat on his lap,
22:34I floated away.
22:38Do you have water
22:40on your knee, too?
22:42Um, Lord, Tessie,
22:43let's not discuss
22:44our personal affairs.
22:45We're here to entertain
22:46this wonderful group of people.
22:48You know, they're all
22:48in the banking business.
22:50Oh, that's wonderful.
22:51I can sing a medley
22:53of banker songs.
22:54You mean you know
22:55special songs for bankers?
22:57Sure.
22:58Your dime is my dime.
23:04Well, she better not sing
23:06that type of song.
23:07So what'll we do?
23:09Well, I don't know.
23:10Uh, what does this audience want?
23:13What does the audience want?
23:16Should we be jokey
23:17or would be hokey?
23:19Should you act girlish
23:20or Milton Berlish?
23:23What does the audience want?
23:26Tell us,
23:27what did these bankers
23:28all want?
23:29Should we be loony
23:30like Mr. Mooney?
23:32She's got a hanker
23:34to kid that banker.
23:36Oh, tell me,
23:37what did these bankers...
23:38I know.
23:38What?
23:39I could drink
23:40some tea
23:41simultaneously
23:42while my partner
23:44sings.
23:44Sing.
23:45See, and you doodle
23:46in the town
23:47just right upon me.
23:48Stop it.
23:49Thank you so much.
23:59Shall we talk money
24:00or just be funny?
24:02I tell you,
24:03we're here to please you
24:05with things that we do.
24:06We'll never teach you
24:08get off of the shoes.
24:10What does this lovely audience
24:13want?
24:14Does this lovely audience
24:16want?
24:17Does this lovely audience
24:19want?
24:38Do you want?
25:08THE END
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