- 1 year ago
Original Broadcast Date: February 14th 2018
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TVTranscript
00:00People of Earth, attention.
00:30Well, you know, relationships are very important and there's always been an unspoken understanding
00:44between the press and those in politics that helps us work together.
00:48We keep our nose out of their private business and they let us do puff pieces on what they're
00:53like at home, take pictures of them and their families to help them appear more human and
00:57occasionally sit for hours on a bus with them during elections as they visit the various
01:00places they're pork barrelling.
01:03It's an arrangement that works and usually everyone is discreet and this has been the
01:07arrangement for as long as any of us can remember.
01:10Back in the 60s, for example, JFK and Marilyn Monroe used to sleep together in Lincoln's
01:14bedroom.
01:15I assume when he was away on weekends.
01:18But the press weren't sensationalist about it, there was no irresponsible media frenzy.
01:23It wasn't until after the CIA had them both assassinated that it became acceptable front
01:28page news.
01:30Hitler and Eva Braun used to get it on in their little hideaway in Berkdysh Garden, but did
01:35you read about it in the papers or see it on TV at the time?
01:38No.
01:39People were decent back then.
01:41Even our own Robert Menzies, perhaps the most respected political figure in our nation's
01:47history.
01:48His torrid love affair with Her Majesty the Queen and later Ben Chifley came to light only
01:55recently thanks to an unmoderated comment on Mark Latham's blog.
01:58Now, I appreciate that times are different now and we have a 24-hour news cycle that needs
02:04constant peddling.
02:05But when the Daily Telegraph publishes this, which I refuse to show, and newspaper after
02:13newspaper after newspaper publishes headlines that I have personally redacted, because I
02:20have standards, when they stomp all over what was previously a very, very cosy arrangement.
02:28Well, I'm sorry, but I don't apologise for that.
02:30I'm happy to comment on Barnaby Joyce's public life, that's my job.
02:34But I'll be damned if I'll talk about his private life!
02:46Ultimately though, the question as to whether or not to deal with this issue is, is it
02:51news?
02:52Well, if this is news...
02:54Department store David Jones has launched an autumn-winter collection for 2018 with bold,
03:00the new black.
03:01And this is news...
03:02Qantas has a new in-flight safety video.
03:05Then this thing is Watergate.
03:08But you know, I don't want to talk about Barnaby.
03:11I want to talk about something else that everyone's been talking about this last week.
03:15And it's a subject that requires a little bit of plain speaking.
03:27This week, I witnessed what I believe to be, without a doubt, the most outrageous accusation
03:32made by a politician in recent history with Greens MP Adam Bant, suggesting that Jim Owen
03:38could be a war criminal.
03:44Excuse me just a moment.
03:45Hello?
03:46Oh, right.
03:47Oh, no, no.
03:48Yep, fair enough then.
03:49OK.
03:50Sorry.
03:51Can we change the graphic?
03:52Well, Jim Nolan could be a war criminal.
03:55Now, this all started because Jim shared some Facebook videos of street violence from Britain
03:59First, which is an extreme right-wing hate group.
04:03Now, Jim says that while it might have been unwise to repost videos from a hate group,
04:07the videos themselves are genuine and that's more important than where they came from.
04:11And that's true.
04:12If I go into the headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan and buy a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle,
04:18it doesn't make any difference to my enjoyment of the film.
04:22So too we should be able to enjoy Jim's street violence clips on their own terms, free from
04:26the ideology of whoever posted them in the first place or the person who reposted them
04:30without comment.
04:31Ditto if I were to visit Satan himself and pick up a copy of James and the Giant Peach,
04:38with a property of Satan watermark on it, ran off multiple copies for my friends.
04:42Would that be tacit endorsement of the teachings of the Prince of Darkness?
04:46No.
04:48Adam Bant and Richard Di Natale ought to be ashamed of themselves.
04:53Jim's a war hero.
04:54As Jim himself said about his time in charge of the forces in Fallujah.
04:59In my humble view, this was probably the most impressive operation in accordance with
05:04the laws of armed conflict that has been conducted anywhere to my knowledge.
05:08If I do say so myself.
05:13Later on in the show, Elon Musk to come in three new flavours.
05:18But right now, three new voices in parliament.
05:23Now if during the last election you were one of the tens of elevens of people who voted for
05:27Fraser Anning, Lucy Gachui or Steve Martin, you would have probably been disappointed that
05:32they didn't get in.
05:33Or if you voted for Corey Bernardi, that he did.
05:36On the other hand, if you voted for Malcolm Roberts, Bob Day or Jackie Lambie, you would
05:41have been happy they got in but disappointed they weren't allowed to stay.
05:45But happy that Fraser Anning, Lucy Gachui and Steve Martin from the same parties got to
05:49take their place.
05:50Or again in the case of Corey Bernardi, not happy that he remained.
05:54But then you would have been disappointed again that these people then left those parties
05:58you'd voted for to join other ones.
06:01Or in the case of Corey, one that he just made up.
06:04Swinging voters are one thing, but swinging politicians make me as mad as, and pardon my
06:09language, en faire.
06:12And it's something that I'd like to get riled up about in a new segment we like to call
06:16Dolly's Senate Roundup.
06:18Now Dolly, big stories coming out of the Senate this week.
06:30As former advisor of former Senator Jackie Lambie, to her recent actions in expelling
06:39replacement candidate Steve Martin from her party for not stepping down so she could
06:43take his place, do they surprise you?
06:45Oh Sean, nothing that woman does surprises me anymore.
06:49She could ride stark raving naked through Launceston on Simpson and his donkey and I wouldn't
06:55turn a cartwheel.
06:57Alls I know is Steve Martin is a gentleman.
07:01Or as my fellow former advisor to Jackie Lambie Rob Messenger said in this tweet, Steve Martin is a
07:07Gentile man.
07:09Which is a real positive down our way.
07:11And also a second Brian Harradine.
07:13Wouldn't being a second Brian Harradine make Steve a dual citizen and put the whole thing
07:18back in front of the High Court again?
07:19Um, you'd have to ask Steve about that, sure.
07:22All I know about duelling citizenships is that it sounds real pretty on the banjo.
07:27Yeah.
07:29Advisor to Steve Martin, Marty Stevens, did Steve and Jackie have an understanding?
07:35I doubt it Sean.
07:36Oh Jackie may have thought she understood something Steve said and Steve might have thought that
07:41Jackie understood what Steve stood for.
07:43And maybe Jackie stood by while Steve said something he thought she understood he said.
07:47And oh maybe Jackie and Steve both misunderstood the undertaking Jackie thought Steve undertook.
07:53Which Jackie stood to gain from.
07:55But at the end she couldn't stand it and it was over.
08:01Very much Marty.
08:05Now Dolly, there's also been a reaction to Senator Cory Bernardi's claim that women should
08:11not be permitted to serve in frontline combat roles in the military.
08:14Now you served in the army with Jackie, in fact I think we have a picture of you both
08:18in Vietnam.
08:19Oh yeah.
08:20Oh yeah.
08:21We were on holiday.
08:23That's very very nice.
08:24Now bearing in mind your military experience, what do you make of Cory's statement that
08:29Let's just imagine, I mean if you've got three blokes in an armoured vehicle and they
08:33need to relieve themselves, right, it's sometimes less confronting than if you had two women
08:38and a man or one woman and two men.
08:42I mean this is just, you know, part of where we are as human beings.
08:48Now Dolly, would you mind watching two men go to the toilet?
08:52What?
08:53Now?
08:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:59Would you find that the most confronting thing to face if you were going into battle?
09:03Um, cos if you two need to go and do your business, that's your business.
09:09Finally, Senator David Lionhelm has had this to say about the suggestion that there'd be
09:14legislation governing sexual relations between people working in parliament.
09:18I don't know, I don't think you need any permission of the government to, uh, to, uh, do, uh, go into bonking.
09:25I definitely reckon they should look into that.
09:31Alright, some sort of enquiry you think?
09:33A bonking royal commission.
09:35And coming up later in the program, a solution to the problem of sex between politicians and their staff,
09:42as I speak to a government handmaid.
09:45It's a simple procedure, Sean.
09:48With the Lord's good grace, a handmaid is assigned to a political commander,
09:52so that when that commander becomes aroused by a staff member,
09:55the handmaid can be called upon to provide that service instead,
09:59in the company of the staff member.
10:01Yes, have you actually seen our members of parliament?
10:07We would receive them with joy.
10:11Well, still to, actually, Marty, would you like to throw to the break?
10:14Sure.
10:16Still to come, later in the week.
10:21She took on the banking industry.
10:23That's agrarian socialism, you son of a bitch.
10:27She fought the unions.
10:29It's either your choice or not, O'Leary.
10:31You play ball or you play hard to get.
10:33I am not leaving this room until your lawyer gets back from the toilet.
10:37And now she goes up against the corruptest institution of them all.
10:41We want you to mount an enquiry into the ABC to find out what,
10:45and more importantly who, they're wasting all our taxpayer money on.
10:49Try and stop me.
10:50A lesbian with a nose for trouble.
10:53And a single parent baby.
10:55Look at what Hennessy found outside Tony Jones's bedsit.
10:58I haven't got time to go through it right now, Miller.
11:00My daughter needs a feed and already late for a gender awareness training session.
11:04It's a wheelie bin.
11:05If I don't nab that unisex toilet changing room by nine,
11:08that fat dwarf Rigardi will be stinking up the joint with his ADD wog curry diarrhoea again.
11:15It's his recyclables for the last fortnight.
11:17His last two pay packet slip envelopes might be in there.
11:20Here.
11:21You breastfeed Zanzibar then.
11:23Call HR.
11:24Tell them I'll be late.
11:27Time to call time on Australia's most mismanaged waste of money
11:30since the Australian Human Rights Commission and the Climate Change Authority combined.
11:35Even you've done it again.
11:37Australia, or more specifically the coalition government,
11:39or more specifically still Pauline Hanson,
11:42will be delighted to learn the salary of these journalist bastards.
11:46That's Ms Swink.
11:48You sexist language using son of a bitch!
11:55Enid Swink.
11:56Returning soonish.
11:59Get ready to hold on to your funny bone.
12:02And what's the deal with the political correctness anyway?
12:05My political correct mess!
12:07It's what all of Australia's been demanding out for.
12:10I really like Harry Styles.
12:11He's a gifted artist.
12:12I'm waiting for him to come out of his hotel last time he was here
12:15so he could sign my cask.
12:16The cask of Moselle with me at the time.
12:18Yes, political incorrectness has a new sheriff
12:21and its name is Jonquil.
12:24Caspar Jonquil.
12:25Shaken, but not always stirred.
12:27Dane Malick has a snake that he keeps in a sack.
12:29I saw him feed at mice.
12:31I expect a lefty thumb police will be on to that one next.
12:34It's a new satire show with a difference.
12:36Dummy Sam Dastyari committing Harry Cari.
12:40But not as you know it.
12:41Join Caspar and his usual suspects.
12:44Monarchist Derek Spite, social funny tater vomitoria catchment
12:48and political cartoonist Larry Sidebottom.
12:50It's exactly right!
12:51Every alternate weeknight at 10.35.
12:54Two Rightly with Caspar Jonquil.
12:57Coming soon to ABC Balance.
12:59White supremacy, is it a bad thing?
13:07We here on Mad As Believe It Is,
13:09and we can't believe we're even talking about it in this day and age.
13:12To sing and dance about it instead,
13:14Mad As Hell's own clockwork movement ensemble,
13:16with a very important message we're all hoping will go viral.
13:20Say no no to white supremacy.
13:23No no no to climateality.
13:26And it's Nazi-ish insanity.
13:29White supremacy's bad.
13:31Hey!
13:33Yes, the clockwork movement ensemble there,
13:35with something that needed to be said.
13:37And good on us for having the guts to say it.
13:40The up-and-coming by-election in Melbourne's green-left stronghold of Batman
13:47is, in political science terms, a squeezing of Labor's nuts.
13:52And it hasn't been easy.
13:54Labor has been busy convincing the locals
13:56that it's green enough to oppose Queensland's Adani coal mine,
13:59while simultaneously convincing Queenslanders
14:01that it's pro-development enough not to.
14:04The Libs, on the other hand, won't be contesting the Batman by-election
14:07and so won't be convincing anyone of anything.
14:10So, business as usual there.
14:13Liberal Party thing Horace Handlove,
14:15no interest in competing in this election?
14:19No.
14:21Don't want to even try and win it?
14:23No, it's too hard.
14:25What's happened?
14:26You've gone all Bernard Tomic on us.
14:29We can't win it. We've never won it.
14:30Why is that, do you think?
14:32Because we don't have anyone with facial hair
14:33in a wardrobe full of cheesecloth.
14:35Go on, have a go.
14:38That's too hard.
14:39Ah, you big baby.
14:40Shut up.
14:42Australians love seeing someone who can't win trying to win.
14:44We love an underdog,
14:45and there's no bigger underdog in Batman than the Libs.
14:48They hate your guts,
14:49so it might turn out that they hate you so much in Batman
14:52that they want you to win.
14:54Really?
14:55Sure.
14:56Look at Fraser Anning.
14:57He got into the Senate with about seven votes.
14:59Seven?
15:00How are we supposed to get seven?
15:01We'd need a swing of about 25%.
15:05I'm not doing it.
15:06Fuck it.
15:09I'll do it if we win a news poll.
15:11Yeah, well, that's not going to happen, is it?
15:14Well, it's a week of milestones this week.
15:16It's ten years since Kevin Rudd's apology to the stolen generation.
15:19It's six days since the ABC's apology to Kevin Rudd
15:23about the home insulation scheme.
15:25Six days also since Adam Bant's apology to Senator Jim Molan
15:28for suggesting he was a war criminal.
15:30And four days since his second apology.
15:32And just on Mr Bant's war criminal remarks,
15:35Greens leader Richard Di Natale has said...
15:37If Adam had his time again,
15:39he would have chosen his words a little more carefully.
15:41And I must say, it was gratifying to see
15:43Government multi-minister Peter Dutton
15:45taking almost exactly the same conciliatory approach,
15:47describing Senator Molan as a hero who put his life on the line
15:50while people like Mr Bant were back home burning flags.
15:54Adding that Mr Bant wouldn't have the guts or the capacity
15:57or the ability to serve his country like Jim Molan did.
16:00And that Adam Bant is a horrible individual
16:03and that he demonstrates her on a daily basis.
16:13And speaking of love being in the air,
16:15business confidence is up.
16:16At least...
16:18..Lindsey Foxes certainly is.
16:21Yeah, keep those tax cuts coming, baby.
16:23Yeah!
16:24HE CHUCKLES
16:25Yeah, she might be the Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade,
16:30but she's only human.
16:33She wouldn't knock back a bit of a kiss and a cuddle with Lindsay Fox...
16:36If she were asked.
16:39And like his trucks, Lindsay also had a sign on his back,
16:41but his said,
16:43making another pass at you now still on finance and the government is again
16:49making noises about company tax cuts noises with their mouth that sound like
16:54we want to introduce company tax cuts here's SBS's Maeve O'Mara the tarts are
16:59brushed with an egg wash baked in a hot oven for 45 minutes thanks Maeve and now
17:05here's that same networks Leland chin penises and now more helpfully on topic
17:15the treasurer Scott Morrison is using record job creation figures to boast
17:21those case for big company tax cuts now I know what you're gonna say but hang on
17:26short a lot of these big businesses don't pay any tax anyway well yes yes I'm
17:30quite aware of that I do actually read some of the research I'm given but I
17:34say you're ignoring the good this proposed tax cut would achieve closing the gap
17:39between what these companies should pay and what they actually do pay so we're
17:43reducing the amount of tax we're not collecting from them we're reducing the
17:46effectiveness of their tax minimization schemes and reducing our sense of anger
17:50and outrage at them by about five percent and meanwhile in indigenous affairs the
17:57committee that oversees the so-called closing the gap policy aimed at
18:00improving the lives of indigenous Australians has accused the Turnbull
18:05government of abandoning it and I think we have footage of the Turnbull government
18:09abandoning it leaving another gap to be closed there in the front row and a
18:15little later on in the program and it's now being proven that it can lead to a lot
18:19of typos using the wrong emojis and also actually sending the message to the
18:23wrong person that's the dangers of texting while driving but right now it's
18:29time to infuriate those of you probably not watching the program anyway with a
18:33bit of good old-fashioned bulshie bank bashing
18:40and Malcolm Turnbull said we wouldn't be getting one and like his assurance on the
18:46non-dual citizenship status of Barnaby Joyce and the High Court will so hold he
18:51was wrong and we will be getting a Royal Commission into the banking industry and
18:57superannuation and superannuation primarily aim though at the Commonwealth
19:01ANZ NAB and Westpac and Australian super but mainly the big four banks why not the
19:07biggest bank of them all the Reserve Bank RBA media and communications officer
19:11Wilhelm Scream well Sean the Reserve Bank is a very special sort of bank that you
19:18or I can't just go into as customers or access online and so has very little
19:24opportunity to shaft anybody we are in charge of printing the money that you or
19:29I might use to buy a chicken from a chicken shop or or clothing we might well a car if
19:36you want to borrow money to buy that chicken or that clothing or that car then
19:42you have to go to one of the big four well so to use a more accessible analogy for
19:46our audience you you grow the opium and distribute it the banks cut it with terms
19:50and conditions making it expensive and so less attractive and then sell it to us I
19:56prefer this analogy Sean we make the bullets and I suppose the gun as well the
20:03banks load it and pointed at the customer and then charge them their usual fees and
20:08charges and interest on servicing the debt all right but if this is done by a
20:12dodgy bank or financial institution or super fun or super fun and they extend a
20:16loan to someone who can't pay it back well then the bank forecloses on the loan or
20:20mortgage and they get to keep the house or the car or the fridge you might store
20:25your blood in whatever the loan was for is now the bank's well what happens with the
20:30Reserve Bank in those circumstances well we don't loan money out in that way as I
20:35think I just mansplained you have you have assets to back up the value of the
20:40money supply oh yes we have foreign currencies and government securities and
20:44but not enough to back up the extra money supply created by banks charging
20:48interest that's true right so let's say interest rates go up and the people on
20:52the variable rate can't afford to service their debt and the bank gets to sell
20:56their houses they live in all the cars they tow their fridges with now because
21:01no one can afford those things anymore the resale price doesn't cover the
21:04principle of the loan and banks go into the red the bubble burst yes bank
21:09customers are worried about the money they've deposited which was used for
21:11these failed loans and there's a run on the bank yes the banks don't have
21:16enough money to give back to their customers then the RBA increases the money
21:20supply and bails out the banks and the customers have access to their savings which
21:24which buys less because there's more cash about but the same amount of stuff
21:28inflation and your assets don't cover the extra money you're supplying people
21:33people get spooked there's a run on the Reserve Bank
21:34fuck you can't convert foreign currency to Australian currency because that's
21:41just going to increase the money supply even more and make it worth even less
21:43well then we cash in our government securities that means the government has to
21:47liquidate its assets well they should have thought of that when they issued them
21:50real estate's worth nothing so no one's gonna go and buy Parliament House there's no
21:54equity in snowy hydro 2.0 and who in their right mind would use the NBN let alone
21:58buy it not to worry short in this sort of case but we would simply invoke the
22:04procedure common to all central banks in these sorts of circumstances and what
22:08what would that involve would you excuse me just one moment absolutely
22:13you
22:31come later in the week. Former ad man Flournoy Quimby declares war on science in a highly dubious
22:40new series designed to make you think is accomplished something worthwhile. I've been torn apart
22:45by wild horses. It's something we've all thought about honey and I don't want to die wondering.
22:51I love fire. The ultimate contest between man and horse. You get pulled apart you can't go
22:57back together again. Wow. In a test of endurance that will leave you wondering why. Repeats
23:06of Flournoy Quimby gets torn apart by wild horses. New to ABC science. Well welcome back. Espionage.
23:15A French word for surveillance, reconnaissance and subterfuge. Yet it's a problem here in
23:23Australia as well. Squawky yogurt has more. Counterintelligence is a government responsibility
23:29but the Australian Signals Directorate, ASIO and ASIS can only do so much. I'm still tossing
23:34up between Madison, Poppy or Willow. Well I'm stuck between Mila and Sienna or if it's a boy
23:41Vincent or Parker. Oh love Parker. Love. Oh let's make it a boy. Yeah.
23:49Margaret and Tony work for the Department of Meteorology but today they've been seconded
23:54by the AFP to investigate complaints of ministerial phone hacking. Rendition of terror suspects
23:59to the Bureau of Meteorology for interrogation is one of the happy byproducts of hot desking.
24:04Yeah well the open plan office community creates a synergy between the various agencies. I mean
24:09if you told me six months ago that I'd be torturing Christopher Pyne, Greg Hunt and Joe Hockey
24:14about what they liked on Twitter I'd have said, it's not my department dear. And sent them
24:18away with a plea in your ear.
24:21Craig Javello is another low level government employee dragooned into service in the interests
24:26of national security. Craig works as a cleaner here at the Lucas Heights nuclear facility.
24:32His job is mainly to empty the bins in the tea room but with the increasing nuclear threat
24:36from North Korea he's recently been tasked with building an atomic bomb.
24:40So I get an email from HR explaining that we needed a deterrent if we wanted to be taken
24:44seriously in the region. It's amazing what you can find on the internet nowadays. Of course
24:49the difficulty is booking it on a flight. None of the regular carriers are willing to carry
24:53an explosive device packed with weapons grade radioactive material except for AirAsia obviously
24:58and they wouldn't waive the excess baggage fee. And yes, I did consider an alternative delivery
25:04system but I couldn't find a missile launcher. I requisitioned one from the Department of
25:08Environment, Land, Water and Planning but they're using theirs up in Queensland to defend
25:12the Murray-Darling Basin against the South Australians.
25:14Forensic accountant from the Australian Taxation Office, prone Heracles on stress leave from
25:19investigating internal fraud and corruption allegations, has been tapped on the shoulder to head an audit
25:24into foreign party political donations. My job is to break into foreign embassies and take
25:28pictures of their checkbook stubs. If it says to, Labour, for, interference and influence of
25:34official policy, well then I take a snap of it with my phone camera, then when I'm back in my cubicle
25:39I send it to myself via email, open it, click and drag the JPEG across to the desktop, press print and then I
25:46furl it up and dispatch it via a pneumatic tube to the Director General of ASIO, Duncan Lewis.
25:52Third floor, Ben Chifley Building, 70 Constitution Avenue Parks, ACT.
25:57Personal address, 93 Yalada, present Amaroor.
26:02Phone number, 0497 373 9269.
26:06What about if it's a check made out to the Liberal Party?
26:08Oh well, I obviously don't want to say too much, but I will say that my specific instructions from Peter Dutton in that instance are to keep my mouth shut.
26:17And further, to blame it all on the Attorney General's Department or DFAT if something goes wrong.
26:23Otherwise, you'll have the Bureau of Meteor...
26:25WHOOP!
26:26WHOOP!
26:27WHOOP!
26:28WHOOP!
26:29WHOOP!
26:30WHOOP!
26:31WHOOP!
26:32WHOOP!
26:33Well, not coming up because Squinters is on in a minute.
26:36Did Team Trump share intelligence with Russia?
26:40And is there enough to go around?
26:42It's official, the least popular baby name of all time.
26:46And Tony Abbott, Peter Credlin, hive mind, still operative.
26:50Well, Peter, there's no doubt that if there were a shortened government, the Greens would be in charge of social policy and the unions would be in charge of economic policy.
27:01And finally, former Treasurer Wayne Swan has announced he'll retire at the next election and says he'd like to see a young, energetic woman in his seat.
27:10Personally, I think we had quite enough of that sort of thing this week.
27:17Goodbye.
27:19Jack, baby.
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