- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: May 11th 2016
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00:001, 2, 3, 5
00:30The Governor-General
00:32The Governor-General
00:34The Governor-General
00:36The Governor-General
00:38So anyway, the Governor-General's having a bit of a lion on Mother's Day when tap tap tap there's Malcolm Turnbull at the French windows, demanding Parliament be dissolved.
00:53I've already dissolved it once, says the Governor-General, not unreasonably.
00:56Well I want you to re-dissolve it, you outdated Sybil of our colonial past, says Malcolm, who is, you remember, a Republican.
01:03Anyway, long story short, that's the end of my story.
01:06And according to the election countdown jumbotron, there's only 52 more sleeps, 54 if they do a couple of debates, until we find out once and for all who's running this country for the next couple of years.
01:17And despite the cuts to the ABC News budget, perhaps even because of them, we will be here every step of the way for 26 months.
01:25For 26 minutes a week.
01:28Doing whatever it is we do.
01:30Incidentally, I do want to thank very much Charlie Pickering.
01:36For keeping the seat warm for me during the break.
01:39In fact, I think we have some footage of Charlie keeping my seat warm.
01:42Thank you Charlie, but I'll be honest with you, I'm finding it difficult to be mad as hell about anything specific tonight, because things are pretty good at the moment.
01:53Got the election, as I just mentioned, the economy is doing well, interest rates are low, which is great if you need a loan for something like a packet of cigarettes.
02:00So, I'm not so much mad as hell as...
02:05What's a good way of describing it?
02:07Because I'm happy...
02:09No, that's overstating it a little.
02:13In fact, there's a couple of issues that I'm quite the opposite of glad as hell about.
02:17First of all, all this whinging about the election itself.
02:24Typical Labor Senator Stephen Conroy...
02:26Thinks...
02:27Thinks that the government used the ABCC bill to manipulate the Governor General to recall Parliament just to contrive a double dissolution trigger.
02:42He thinks it's a cynical echo of the 1975 constitutional crisis.
02:47The ghost of Sir John Kerr has crawled and reached out from the grave.
02:53Now, lecturer at Politics at Box Hill, Tafe Moog Puppet, I guess...
02:56I guess the key question here is why would Sir John's ghost still be in his grave?
03:02Well, that's more a question for Sir John's ghost, I think, Sean.
03:05I mean, I mean, you don't bury a ghost anyway, do you?
03:08No, no, no. Traditionally, they are free to move around away from the confines of the grave.
03:11And why would a ghost crawl anyway? Ghosts don't crawl, do they? There's no need for a ghost to crawl.
03:17I think in the case of Sir John's ghost, Sean, it was probably shit-faced.
03:22Thanks very much, Moog.
03:23The other thing that makes me a little sad as hell this week is that because of the election,
03:27we're going to lose a number of people who have become good friends of the show over the last few years.
03:31For example, the member for Fairfax, Clive Palmer.
03:34Now, it's very easy to dismiss Clive as an idiot. All you need is any picture of him and the word idiot underneath.
03:40But last week, he cleverly launched a preemptive strike on the certainty of his not being re-elected by deciding not to run anyway.
03:47But rest assured, he will still be involved with the federal government, specifically as a defendant in their claim to recover the $700 million they paid on his behalf to the Queensland nickel workers.
03:59Still, I'm sure Clive will be fine. Don't worry, he's managed to get out of more difficult things than this.
04:04In fact, I think we have footage of Clive getting out of a more difficult thing.
04:09I mean, if he can get out of that, he can get out of anything, can't he?
04:14Another likely casualty is motoring enthusiast Senator Ricky Muir, seen here strangling a member of an outlaw motorcycle gang.
04:22And if he goes, that's a real shame, because in a world where politicians employ spin and obfuscate what they've done or haven't done,
04:29Ricky's a straight talker.
04:30Watch here how he not only shows you what he's doing, but in case you don't quite understand it, he also offers a helpful explanation.
04:37I have just squeezed the trigger and it did not fire.
04:41I have just squeezed the trigger again and it has not fired.
04:45Who was he aiming the gun at, incidentally?
04:55Regional Australia has yet got another win. Another $1.1 billion for race recovery in places such as this.
05:06Then there's Sophie Mirabella, who even though she lost her seat in the last election, looks like she'll lose it even more this time round.
05:12It's the result of a bold and innovative campaigning technique.
05:22I had a commitment for a $10 million allocation to the Wangaratta hospital, that if elected I was going to announce the week after the election, you know that.
05:30That is $10 million that Wangaratta hasn't had because Cathy got elected.
05:36It is a radical concept, isn't it? Encouraging people to vote for you by not telling them what you will do for them until after they haven't voted for you.
05:45Gorg Vanda Mackenzie from the Institute of whoever's providing the funding. If the government decided that Wangaratta hospital needed the $10 million before Ms Mirabella was elected, but then decided it didn't need it when she wasn't elected, what possible explanation is there?
06:04Well, the only one I can think of is that the prospect of Ms Mirabella's election was making Wangaratta residents physically ill and that that caused an extra strain on the hospital's resources that was then eased when she didn't win.
06:19Thank you very much, Gorg.
06:21But amidst howls of protest that this retrospective pork-barrelling was not only pointless but immoral, mind-reading Treasurer Scott Morrison clarified what Ms Mirabella said.
06:30Defending her statement, the Treasurer says what she meant was that she would be able to lobby more effectively because she's part of the coalition.
06:39So some much-needed clarity at last. When she said, I had a commitment, she meant to say, I will lobby more effectively.
06:46And when she said, you know that, to the man who nodded yes, he meant to shake his head no and say, don't you mean you will lobby more effectively?
06:52But of course, one of the big things that I'm really going to miss because of the election is the old Bill Shorten.
07:01Seen here, shaking hands with a skeleton and according to this newspaper headline saying, good to see you, Tony.
07:07This year, though, according to this other headline, he's doing no more zingers.
07:20I know, imagine how we felt.
07:23In fact, the only one we could find for 2016 is when he weighed in on the battle for the seat of New England between Tony Windsor and Barnaby Joyce.
07:31When it comes to the New England electorate, the contrast between Tony Windsor and Barnaby Joyce couldn't be starker.
07:42One is a serious, respected politician. The other is the Deputy Prime Minister.
07:51Of course, it does leave us with the question, who in the party can take over as Clown Prince,
07:56now that Bill has abdicated his throne to chase his crazy pipe dream of becoming PM.
08:02Now, if I'm any judge of comic talent, and remember, I used to be Fabio.
08:10I reckon it might be Shadow Minister for Communications, Jason Clare.
08:15Here he is on an open mic morning on children's show Sunrise, trying out some...
08:22Trying out some material about how quickly the government abandoned the idea of the state's collecting income tax.
08:28I've had hangovers that have lasted longer than that.
08:31I think Britney Spears' first marriage lasted longer than this policy.
08:37Shit house.
08:38Fair enough. I mean, Bill's a hard act to follow.
08:43Even Bill at his worst would be better than that.
08:45In fact, I think we have some footage of Bill at his worst.
08:48Here he is delivering a comeback to Scott Morrison's accusation that he wears an ill-fitting suit.
08:53No, I think the problem is that Australia's got an ill-fitting treasurer.
08:56I mean, you know, not the best joke in the world, but he was on the project, so it didn't have to be.
09:08But nonetheless, nonetheless, he's got that, I don't know, what factor,
09:15whereas there's something a little bit too slick and polished and Jay Leno-ish about Jason Clare.
09:20Bill's more like Daryl Summers, amateurish and non-threatening.
09:23To be honest, Bill's probably a much better host if they bring back Hey Hey.
09:27So what's Bill going to do to win us over during the campaign if it's not with his zinging?
09:32Well, apparently he's been working on his singing.
09:34He's hired a voice coach by the name of Dean Frankel.
09:38Now, apparently Mr. Frankel is not only a lecturer in public speaking,
09:42but he's also a master of the ancient art of throat singing.
09:46Now, I want to support Bill's career choices, but I'm never sure it's such a good idea
09:51when a man known primarily for his comedy embarks on a singing career.
09:56Remember when Eddie Murphy did that reggae album with Snoop Lion?
09:59I mean, sure, it was fantastic, but how's Bill going to go when he turns up on 7.30 and tries this?
10:04And you may as well have Ian McFarlane on.
10:24Ian McFarlane, thank you for your time.
10:26Pleasure night.
10:27Ian McFarlane, thank you very much.
10:28That's a pleasure night.
10:29I also know that Bill's voice coach is a qualified hypnotherapist,
10:36which explains a lot, because I think he may have put Bill under.
10:40Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!
10:41I don't think that's a lie!
10:44I don't think that's a lie!
10:46I don't think I need money, I don't think I need money, I don't think I need money.
10:49And we're back in the room.
10:51But that's old Bill, and the question really is, what do I think about our new Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull?
11:00Well...
11:01Snoop and alcohol later!
11:05Snoop and alcohol later!
11:08Snoop and alcohol later!
11:13Now, I know it's not fashionable for ABC News reader outers to editorialise about politics,
11:19but I think I speak as one when I say that I like Malcolm Turnbull, and I hope he wins the next election.
11:25In fact, I'll be doing all I can in this current series to present items that are in his favour and denigrate the opposition.
11:30And I will actually lie, if I have to, about Labour and their stupid policies, in order to show the Prime Minister in the best possible light.
11:38Now, there are some people out there who might say, that's being biased.
11:41And I say, well, that's typical of you, isn't it?
11:43Because many of you so-called ABC viewers, and I hope I'm not being out of line here,
11:50are whiny hypocrites, who don't seem to mind it when we push our usual agenda, agrarian communism and compulsory homosexuality.
11:57But the moment that we start worshipping a god like Malcolm Turnbull, you start yelling at your TV set about your fucking eight cents a day,
12:07and the fact that I swore just then, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologise for being wrong, even if I'm not.
12:13What I'm doing is believing in a man who, though he's only Prime Minister because ten people thought Tony Abbott was a worse one,
12:20is our Prime Minister.
12:21Because unlike you, I believe in this country, a country where anyone, regardless of wealth or the colour of their tie,
12:29can challenge a sitting party leader for the highest office in the land, unless it's Kevin Andrews, obviously.
12:35Incidentally, please share my rant via Facebook, because the ABC loves that sort of shit.
12:39Hopefully we get kicked out by pedestrian TV and junkie as well. I have no idea what I'm talking about.
12:54Still to come!
12:56Great Barrier Reef now officially more bleached than Nicki Minaj.
12:59And Clive Palmer talks to Liberal MP Ewan Jones like he's a Queensland nickel employee.
13:06And you'll soon be unemployed.
13:11God help us all. GK Chesterton's amateur Struth visits the Aussie Cotswolds.
13:17Father Brown, come quickly. Father Weston's holding up the building society. He shot four people dead.
13:22A priest shooting people? I think that's highly unlikely, Connie. Don't you?
13:32Yes, Father.
13:39Weston's killing people again.
13:42In the bag, in the bag!
13:45Father Weston!
13:49There is talk around town about your behaviour.
13:54What sort of talk?
13:56That you've been shooting...
13:59Sorry, what?
14:01That you've been shooting people.
14:04Scuttlebutt and tittle-tattle.
14:06Nothing but gossip.
14:10As I expected.
14:11Get rid of the bodies and move him to another parish.
14:17This is getting out of hand. That's four more people dead.
14:21Yes, it's a sad story.
14:23But not of much interest to me.
14:25He's killed 36 people.
14:27I'm not aware of that now.
14:29I've just told you.
14:31I have no recollection of such a conversation.
14:33Why do you do anything to stop this?
14:34Obviously, if I knew now what I know now, I would act differently.
14:41Father Brown. Sundays have never been holier.
14:46Welcome back.
14:48Now, it takes an African rock python almost a week to digest a gazelle.
14:53And the federal budget is no different.
14:55With his up-to-date analysis, is mad as hell's own, Financy Boy?
15:00Buh, buh, buh, I'm Nancy Boy, I'm Nancy Boy, I'm Nancy Boy, I'm Nancy Boy.
15:05I'm Nancy Boy.
15:07Oh!
15:08Unfortunately, Financy Boy can't be with us for reasons of editorial policy, and fair enough, too.
15:13Instead, we're joined by veteran ABC bookkeeper, Wilhelmina Different.
15:17Well, one thing you can be certain about, ScoMo, Scott Morrison, has arrived with this, his first FEBU federal budget.
15:26In terms of income tax cuts, there's something in the budget for everyone, whether you're a barrister, an orthopaedic surgeon, or a bank CEO.
15:34Smokers are doing the heavy lifting this time, which doesn't sound terribly advisable, but that was predicted by Shadow Treasurer Chris Bowen.
15:43He'll announce an increase in the tobacco exercise.
15:46The tobacco exercise.
15:50Yeah, that'll be rolling your own, presumably.
15:52Look, Sean, reviews haven't been kind, with outgoing Liberal Senator and pornographic novelist Dennis Jensen dubbing the budget a fudged opportunity, or a fudget.
16:04Still, he was kinder than extremely crossbench Senator Jackie Lambie.
16:09If you're a pensioner, this budget proves that the Liberal Party hates your guts, and if you're a sick pensioner, this budget proves the Liberal Party hates your guts even more.
16:21Proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it.
16:24So, all in all, an excellent Turnbull government debut budget, or the budget, short.
16:40Thank you, Will and Mina. Of course, it's not so much about what's on the pages inside the budget, as it is about the selling of it.
16:47It's like a Dan Brown novel.
16:49And in terms of getting the message out there via social media, the budget website is fantastic.
16:54You can put in some details and actually have the budget personalised, so you don't get all that irrelevant stuff about how it might affect the rest of the country.
17:00On the plus side, though, what this budget has done is give Malcolm Turnbull and Scott Morrison a chance to become friends again.
17:07Here they are, sharing a pot of tea. Scott explaining what the budget will do to help them win the election.
17:12And Malcolm demonstrating what he will do to Scott if it doesn't.
17:17The big ticket item, of course, is tax.
17:20And the PM recently gave us an interesting insight into the philosophy behind taxation.
17:24If you want people to do less of something, you jack up the tax.
17:27So, taxation is a way of discouraging certain activities, Jobella Burt, from the Prime Minister's office.
17:34Well, that's right, Sean. You have a tobacco excise tax to discourage smoking.
17:39You have a consumption tax to discourage eating.
17:42You have an income tax to discourage earning money, which you need less of, anyway, if you're not smoking or eating.
17:47You have a payroll tax to discourage people being employed.
17:50Superannuation tax to discourage planning for the future.
17:52And if, for those reasons, people decide they can't stand living here anymore, you have a departure tax to discourage them from leaving.
17:58Thank you, Jobella.
18:00But there is one line in the budget that affects all of us, regardless of how much tax we pay.
18:05Because if there's one thing the government knows, is that the best way to unite all Australians is to have them huddle together in fear.
18:10As most of you are aware, particularly if you live in South Australia, we're getting $50 billion worth of our next submarines from France.
18:24A country whose last notable use of their submariner capabilities was to help members of their Secret Service escape after they sank the Rainbow Warrior back in 1985.
18:34Mind you, the other contenders, Germany and Japan, haven't really done anything submarine-wise since about the 1940s.
18:40So perhaps it's fair we gave them a miss.
18:42And they were absolutely fine about it.
18:44One thing you can say about Germany and Japan is that they don't cause you any trouble if you cross them.
18:48But will the French give us value for money?
18:53I spoke to Ria Vice Admiral Sir Bobo Gargill yesterday and he agreed to come in and talk to me tonight.
18:59Ria, if I can call you that, $50 billion for 12 subs.
19:04It sounds like a decent lunch for Clive Palmer, but is it good value?
19:08$50 billion for 3,000 jobs? I should think so, Sean.
19:13That's a spend of about 16 mil per job.
19:15Now, the 730,000 unemployed people in Australia, do you realise, for that sort of price, we could achieve full employment for a little less than $12 trillion?
19:26Although I don't know whether it's about full employment, Bobo. According to the Defence Minister, Maurice Payne...
19:31We are, in fact, across a number of areas, working very hard for the voters of the entire country, and particularly South Australia, of course, in the interests of my colleagues from South Australia.
19:41So, working hard in the interests of not so much national security as her colleagues in South Australia, to look after not so much everybody as the voters, presumably the voters of the Liberal Party.
19:52That's right, Sean. There's no point stuffing more pork in the barrel than you need.
19:57I remember when I was a cadet on the HMAS Sydney, whenever it was my turn to get in the barrel, it was always wise to limit how much of myself I actually put into it.
20:07If you get my meaning.
20:17Mercifully, I don't.
20:19You know, not that Maurice is playing politics with something as serious as border protection.
20:23I mean, that sort of thing is all very well and good for your Wangaratta hospitals and the building of our new frigates.
20:30But I think you'll find, Sean, that $50 billion for submarines to patrol our sovereign waters is a drop in the ocean.
20:36Of course, the competitive evaluation process has taken time, most of it just to work out exactly what the expression meant.
20:49Further delays are expected because it's a local build.
20:52Presumably because why? What, South Australians are a bit slower than everybody else?
20:57Bit of a stereotype, isn't it, Mark Colvin? And frankly, beneath you.
21:00I can't stand stereotypes. Presumably it's also going to take time because the French are in charge and they spend a lot of their time delivering onions on their bikes and becoming alcoholics as children and having three-way sex with each other.
21:14As a result of all this, this bloke reckons...
21:17An early delivery of the first submarine or two is probably not going to happen now.
21:21And that means that we're absolutely going to have to extend the life of some of the Collins submarine fleet.
21:26Hmm. Dr Eldon Tyrell, is it possible to extend the life of these old submarines?
21:32Well, I'm afraid that's a little out of my jurisdiction.
21:35They want more life, father.
21:38To make any sort of alteration is fatal, Sean. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it's been established.
21:45Why not?
21:47Because by the second day, reversion mutations give rise to revert in colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship. Then the ship sinks.
21:52Yeah, but aren't submarines supposed to disappear under the water?
21:56The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, Sean. And the Collins class has burned so very, very brightly.
22:04Thank you, Doctor. The Defence Minister has also said we need submarines with considerable range.
22:12By comparison, what sort of range do the Collins class submarine have, Bobo Gargle?
22:15About three octaves, Sean.
22:21Which is why you can hear them from quite some distance away.
22:25And three octaves up to what note?
22:28High C, of course.
22:29Thank you so much, Bobo. And please accept, on behalf of Mad As, this beautiful framed limited release print of a French submarine.
22:41That's very kind of you, Sean, but I would prefer a limited release of the Kraken!
22:45Oh, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Mickey! Hey, Mickey!
22:55Oh, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Mickey! Hey, Mickey!
23:01Look what you've done to him, you monster!
23:04Well, was it our fault? You blame the ABC. They're the ones who made us wait a year before we got back on.
23:11Still to come!
23:13How could a cephalopod have a skeleton? Shut up or I'll push your eyes in.
23:17Governor-General goes overseas to shake hands with more people who aren't Tanya Plibersek.
23:23And how losing the submarine deal will affect our relationship with Japan.
23:28So how would you describe the Japanese psyche?
23:30It's a fermented rice wine. It's quite delicious, actually.
23:39Next, four men from regional Australia, no prospects, seek a relationship very different from the one they're currently having with the Coles Woolworths duopoly.
23:49Then, much-love Aussie funny man Bobo Woolohorski confronts his gluten intolerance.
23:53And later, the ABC over-corrects the perception of its bias by allowing a right-wing commentator to present something.
24:01Well, welcome back.
24:03Well, six sites around the country have been shortlisted to be the home of Australia's first nuclear waste dump.
24:09And now the government has chosen its preferred site.
24:12And the winner is...
24:13Now, under you to South Australia.
24:15Oh!
24:17What a great money!
24:23Now, the waste dump looks like being established on land owned by former Liberal Party Senator Grant Chapman.
24:29Wow!
24:30I mean, I'd heard the Scientologists get a bit nasty if you leave them, but that's really letting him have it, isn't it?
24:35Announcing the announcement, Resources Minister Josh Frydenberg noted that we currently have, in total, around two Olympic-sized swimming pools worth of low-level radioactive waste.
24:45Certainly explains Grant Hackett's recent behaviour.
24:48Speaking of sport, sport's coming up later with all the latest in sport.
24:53But first, sport.
24:54Now, if bank bashing was an Olympic event, it'd be no surprise given the other shite they trot out as sport.
25:04And Australia would be guaranteed of gold, particularly after the recent bipartisan attacks on the big banks' lending practices.
25:10Zenzi filed this background report.
25:15Well, we've always wanted to possess a luxury harbourside home with views of a boat between us
25:20and a beautiful white centre-column staircase lit by a French chandelier
25:25and contrasting pink Persian-themed master bedroom with an en-suite bowling alley
25:29and a golden bathroom with a Chinaman in it
25:32and grand entry underground motor court with, I don't know, an Aston Martin Vantage
25:37and vintage Rolls and a BMW SUV.
25:40I mean, it was our dream home, wasn't it?
25:43Yeah, yeah.
25:44The ANZ loaned the McAllisters all the money they needed, despite their debts and liability already exceeding several million dollars.
25:52I mean, I've got $62,500 worth of credit card debt alone.
25:56But we were just stunned at their inability to see through our audacity.
26:00Yeah, stunned and surprised.
26:02The mortgage broker involved filled out two low-doc applications incorrectly
26:06and provided zero proof of earnings to the ANZ.
26:09I was stunned that it was that easy.
26:11Sally and Bob never stood a chance.
26:13What was such drastically lowered lending standards?
26:16My lack of integrity.
26:18It was 2006 and the McAllisters were, like many Australians, stupid and greedy.
26:23Fortunately, the GFC was just around the corner to save them.
26:27Just before they were about to default on their patently unserviceable loan,
26:31the Reserve Bank slashed interest rates and the then-typical Labour government
26:35threw stimulus money at home buyers.
26:37I mean, we bought a plasma screen TV.
26:40We've got two.
26:42I mean, where were the regulators to stop people like us?
26:45What a madness.
26:47But a fish rots from its head down, as any customer of GoSushi will tell you.
26:52The Australian government has a deficit of $400 billion, yet still it's able to borrow enormous sums of money
26:59from unwary countries like China to fund its lavish lifestyle.
27:03We were stunned.
27:04I mean, we kept issuing these virtually worthless government securities and they keep giving us money.
27:09If they did their due diligence, they wouldn't be in this mess and we wouldn't have this, frankly, unserviceable debt.
27:14I don't know what APRA are doing wasting their time investigating comminsure and people like me when the deficit is an accident waiting to continue happening.
27:23No point hoping and praying for another GFC to come along and make it all better.
27:26If they asked me, the government should live within their means.
27:30Of course, if they did ask me, I would charge an undisclosed fee for that advice.
27:33No punchline.
27:37Not coming up because comedy showroom is on next, although you can already watch it on iview.
27:43Cadbury's giant chocolate Kim Il-sung tasteless claims Politburo.
27:48Grant Hackett shifts his focus to the Paralympics.
27:51And Andrew Bolt dares ask the question of our former Prime Minister that no one else would.
27:58Have you been listening to my radio show?
28:04Well, unless you've been living under a rock, you'd know that the Logies were on Sunday, in which case I wish I was there with you.
28:09What a farce!
28:11And I'm not talking about the glaring omission from the most outstanding drama category of Call and Win Win Cash Live.
28:22No, I'm talking about Australian Television's Nobel Prize, the Gold Logie.
28:26Have a look at the work of these nominees and tell me if justice was done.
28:30Grant Denyer.
28:31Essie Davis.
28:33Waleed Alley.
28:34Oversimplified.
28:35Scott Cam.
28:36Clout.
28:37Carrie Bickmore.
28:38One.
28:39And of course, Leland Chin.
28:40Penises.
28:44Now you tell me she wasn't robbed.
28:46Goodbye.
28:48Giant baby.
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