- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: August 16th 2017
Category
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TVTranscript
00:30Well, now, the lengths this government will go to to distract us from the same-sex marriage debate is astonishing.
00:42First, Peter Dutton abandons the secrecy provisions that have stopped people talking about detention centres,
00:48but it doesn't work, and we're still talking about same-sex marriage.
00:51Then, Malcolm Turnbull announces that we're available should the US need us in a thermonuclear war against North Korea.
00:58Joined at the hip, I think he said, probably due to the radiation.
01:01Still nothing.
01:02Then the Coalition brings out the big guns in a last desperate bid to get us to talk about something else.
01:07Something bigger and more important than human rights or our impending nuclear annihilation.
01:12This.
01:12Yes, our labelling laws really have to be tightened up, don't they?
01:19Now, I know just how the Prime Minister feels, but frankly, we wouldn't be doing our job as a fake news service
01:24if we let Barnaby's ineligibility to sit in Parliament, be Deputy PM, lead the Nationals,
01:28or hold the Ministries of Agriculture, Water and Resources distract us.
01:32But the fact that he can't do any of these jobs should be of no surprise to us.
01:36We've been watching him cock all of them up for years now.
01:39But Barnaby, this week is not about you being from New Zealand where you can legally marry whoever you want.
01:46This week is about Australians from here not being allowed to.
01:50The Australian Marriage Law Postal Survey.
01:54Sorry, we have to call it that.
01:55I know it's not very interesting, but we did get a staff email saying we couldn't refer to it
01:59as the marriage equality vote, and warning ABC employees against voicing their opinions
02:04on the subject because the national broadcaster does not have a position on the issue and is impartial.
02:10However, I work for an outside production company, so I can say whatever the fuck I want.
02:19Although I do have a new series of the ex-PMs starting in a few weeks, and I...
02:29I don't want any trouble.
02:30So, just a few light jokes about the personalities involved, and we shall be okay.
02:35And by the way, I am very sorry about the fuck.
02:38It was completely unnecessary.
02:40As was me repeating it.
02:43So, thanks to those on the right, like former Englishman Tony Abbott and former German Erika
02:50Betts, pressure was brought to bear on soon-to-be former PM Malcolm Turnbull, and we're having
02:55a postal vote.
02:58And they've costed it, and last week Malcolm used his artificial intelligence robot calculator
03:03to announce the figure.
03:04And the cost is?
03:05$122 million.
03:08Now, of course there are those PC leftist warmers who say that a postal survey shows a
03:13complete lack of leadership on the part of the Prime Minister, which he has flatly denied.
03:17I do apologise, that wasn't Malcolm Turnbull, that was former leader of the Liberal Party,
03:28Alexander Downer.
03:30Do we have the right footage?
03:32OK, right.
03:33Great.
03:33I'm a strong leader.
03:35Boo!
03:37If I do say so myself.
03:39But no, no, no, fair enough.
03:41If people can't see that he's a strong leader, someone needs to tell them.
03:44But it's interesting, though, isn't it?
03:46SBS are the only network to point out that there's another aspect to what the government's
03:51doing here.
03:52The government will test public opinion on allowing same-sex couples to marry by post.
03:57Now, I don't...
03:58I don't think we should let them marry by post.
04:03That's completely changing the definition.
04:06The ceremony would take more than a week, and half the time they'd end up marrying someone
04:11they didn't intend to.
04:12Now, one of the reasons that this is an issue at all is because of the Howard government's
04:172004 amendment to the Marriage Act, defining marriage as the union of a man and a woman
04:21to the exclusion of all others.
04:24Now, last week, Mr Howard explained that back in 2004, there was no definition in the Marriage
04:30Act, for the simple reason that it had never occurred to the people before 2004 that marriage
04:35was other than between a man and a woman.
04:37OK.
04:38So, if Mr Howard is right, there mustn't have been any gay people before 2004.
04:44Because if there were, it would have occurred to them that they might have wanted to marry
04:48each other.
04:49And you'd think that some of them might have been on the internet before 2004 and seen
04:53that the Netherlands and Belgium had legalised marriage other than between a man and a woman,
04:56and been on to it like a shop.
04:57But no, apparently not.
04:58Homosexuality is only about as old as Twitter.
05:03Although, it involves considerably more than 140 characters.
05:08Still, John Howard wasn't the only ex-PM to make a contribution to this debate last week.
05:13If you don't like same-sex marriage, vote no.
05:16If you're worried about religious freedom and freedom of speech, vote no.
05:21And if you don't like political correctness, vote no.
05:24I'd go further.
05:25If you don't like going to the dentist, vote no.
05:28If you don't like ISIS, vote no.
05:31If you're worried about being eaten by a shark or dying in pain, vote no.
05:34If you don't like scones, vote no.
05:36In fact, if you're worried about anything, anything at all, for God's sakes, and I emphasise
05:41those words, vote no.
05:45And for balance, some advice for the pro-same-sex marriage advocates.
05:49You don't need to mount a yes campaign.
05:51You just need to get the ballot question to be phrased,
05:54is it wrong to legalise same-sex marriage and let the no-campaigners go for their lives?
05:58But regardless of what's on the ballot papers,
06:01there is a problem with where they're going and who's receiving them,
06:04given that nearly 350,000 young people are not registered to vote.
06:09May it tell young person SPAC Philavole.
06:11Well, why should we care what they think
06:13if they're not prepared to take the responsibility
06:15of being involved in democratic decision-making?
06:17Sorry, are you talking about young people or the government?
06:19Whatevs, Grandpa.
06:21And since the forms will be mailed to whatever address we have on the voter roll,
06:24those of us who are regularly moving house
06:26as a result of being locked out of the housing market
06:28will be less likely to receive those forms,
06:30giving the inside running as per freaking news
06:32to you never-gonna-die baby-boomers Skelos who own their own home.
06:36Well, still SPAC Philavole, maybe it's for the best
06:38that this decision be made by people
06:40to whom good fortune has delivered a house of their own.
06:42Do you mean the actual government who have the lower house
06:46and who could just as easily have done this themselves,
06:48or white-haired, middle-class,
06:50letter-posting old fucks like you?
06:56Well, either or.
06:58Thanks, SPAC Philavole.
07:00So, what happens once all the votes are in?
07:04Rini Glutt is from the PMO, the Prime Minister's Office.
07:07Actually, not much point in abbreviating it to PMO,
07:09if I'm going to explain what it stands for, is there?
07:12I guess from now on, at least, when I refer to PMO,
07:15you'll know it's the Prime Minister's Office.
07:17So, that was meant to save some time, but it actually added about 15 seconds.
07:21Yeah, and I'm actually from the Foreign Minister's Office.
07:27Tremendous. OK, now here's how it works.
07:29If the answer's no, no parliamentary vote.
07:32If yes, there will be a conscience vote in December.
07:35All right, so Rini, if 51% vote no, there's no same-sex marriage?
07:41Ah, that's right. The people will have spoken.
07:43Yeah, but if 99% vote yes...
07:45Then we'll decide.
07:46Right.
07:48And is that because you'd prefer it to be no?
07:50No.
07:51No?
07:52No.
07:53No, because when people say no, they mean no.
07:56But sometimes when people say yes, they mean no.
08:00For example?
08:01OK.
08:02Sean, would you like to host a fundraising dinner
08:05for the Salvos this Saturday night?
08:08Yes.
08:12Well, it still doesn't seem very fair, though, does it?
08:14Yeah, well, is it fair to dilute the definition of marriage
08:17after men and women have married each other
08:18thinking only they could do it?
08:20It's like buying a suit for $1,000
08:22and then seeing it a few days later for 500.
08:26Rini, thank you so much for your time
08:28and hopefully you'll pop back in and speak to us
08:31throughout the campaign.
08:33Yes.
08:36Still, if the ABC stands for anything other than
08:38not having a point of view on something,
08:41it's giving equal time to the opposing argument
08:44of any given proposition.
08:46A climate scientist who knows what he's talking about,
08:48for example, needs to be balanced out by someone
08:50who isn't a scientist talking about something
08:52he knows nothing about.
08:53So, too, with this subject.
08:56Zak Megalon, you believe this survey is about equality
08:59but feel that not everyone should participate in it.
09:02That's right, Sean.
09:03I believe that anyone who's already married
09:05should be ineligible to vote
09:06because any proposed change to the legislation
09:08doesn't apply to them.
09:10Alright, what about those who are unhappily married
09:12and want to leave their options open after they're divorced?
09:15Alright, only those who are unhappily married
09:17or unmarried should vote.
09:20What about those who are too young to vote,
09:21say 16 or 17 and therefore not on the electoral roll
09:24but old enough to marry with the approval of a court?
09:26Well, Sean, people who are old enough to vote
09:28vote on things that affect people who are too young to vote all the time.
09:31Yeah, only this isn't a vote, is it?
09:33It's just a survey.
09:34So why shouldn't the 16 and 17-year-olds be allowed to participate?
09:37Well, alright, good point.
09:39They can join in too.
09:41Although, if they're not on the electoral rolls,
09:43how do we know who they are and where they are
09:45to send them the survey forms?
09:46Well, I think that's a question for someone
09:48who actually knows what they're talking about.
09:50Alright, then, Renie Glutt.
09:51No, not my department.
09:52You'll have to speak to the ABS.
09:54Okay.
09:55Let's cross to the minister in charge of the ABS,
09:58Michael McCormack.
09:59Oh.
10:02Typical.
10:03Ultimately, though, the survey doesn't matter, though, does it, Renie?
10:06Let's say that 70% of Australians eligible to be surveyed
10:10and who don't want to boycott it participate
10:12and that 51% of those say yes.
10:15That will be trumped by the 0.000002% of the population
10:19who make up the House of Reps chamber, having a conscience vote on it.
10:23I've got to go and change into Dolly.
10:25Oh, sorry.
10:26I believe that anyone in parliament
10:29who's going to benefit from this legislation
10:31should abstain from voting.
10:34Or anyone who's gay.
10:36Or who might appear to be.
10:37Otherwise, it's a conflict of interest.
10:39I call on all parliamentarians to declare
10:42on a sexual interest register what they're into.
10:46Just like you would any potential business relationship.
10:48So the people of Australia can be satisfied that their conscience vote
10:51will not be compromised.
10:53Well, thank you.
10:54Thank you very much, Zach.
10:55And ahead on tonight's right-minded Caspar Jonquil
10:58enters the same-sex marriage debate
11:00querying whether political correctness is such a bad thing.
11:03I'd actually like a bit of political correctness
11:05because I'm sick to my ballsack of political incorrectness.
11:08Like sitting in parliament when you're not entitled to.
11:10That's politically incorrect.
11:11Or when you are entitled to be,
11:12they're not declaring payments you're receiving from a lobby group.
11:15Or claiming parliamentary travel expenses
11:17to take a chopper to attend a friend's colonoscopy.
11:19And besides, the more opportunities there are for someone,
11:22anyone to marry me, the better.
11:26Of course, the yang to the same-sex marriage yin
11:29is same-sex divorce.
11:30And in keeping with our current policy
11:32of denying gay people things,
11:34we're also apparently denying them the right
11:35to deny themselves an existing gay marriage.
11:39Here's Li Lin Chin.
11:41Penises.
11:43And here she is, slightly more helpfully
11:45on the subject of same-sex divorce.
11:47The United Nations has ruled Australian laws
11:50stopping married same-sex couples from getting divorced
11:55violate human rights obligations.
11:58Same-sex marriage, it seems, is like a pharaoh's tomb.
12:01We don't want you getting in,
12:02but if you do find your way in somehow,
12:04we've rigged it so that you're trapped in there forever.
12:07The sanctity of divorce is protected,
12:09yet if you're in a polygamous marriage,
12:11which are just as illegal as same-sex marriage in this country,
12:14you can get a divorce.
12:16So if I were to marry, say, 37 men
12:19while I was on holiday in the Maldives,
12:21divorce wouldn't be a problem once I got back home.
12:24The problem isn't with gay marriage then,
12:26it's not getting gay married enough.
12:29Time to lighten the mood a little now, though.
12:32Yes, that's pretty much the reaction I had a week ago
12:48when, during Penny Wong's speech,
12:50I looked over at the Senate President's chair.
12:52It's not a uniform.
12:53Now, what possible explanation is there for such an unearthly sight?
13:01Actually, Corey had one.
13:03Once again, the vocal minority capture the political interest, don't they?
13:07Speaking of Corey, and we should be fair to him
13:10and not constantly portray him as some sort of comic figure.
13:13Congratulations to him and his party
13:15in claiming his first Federal Liberal Party scalp apart from his own.
13:19Former MP in the Abbott government,
13:21Dr Dennis Jensen, has decided to become an Australian Conservative
13:25and has urged fellow Liberals to do the same
13:28so Australia can get a government that it deserves.
13:30Now, frankly, I thought we had the government we deserved
13:33and we voted for them, but no,
13:35Dennis thinks we deserve even worse.
13:38Dennis, as you know, is a noted climate sceptic
13:42and strong opponent of same-sex marriage
13:44and feels the Liberal Party is no longer the party he joined in the mid-1990s.
13:49Corey's party, of course, believes that freedom of speech and expression
13:52is one of the pillars of Western society,
13:54and Dennis is currently exercising that freedom
13:56by suing the Australian newspaper,
13:58claiming they made him out to be a purveyor of smut
14:01by describing the graphic sex in a book he wrote.
14:05Now, like Dennis and the Australian Conservatives,
14:08I'm all for freedom of speech and expression
14:10and so I'd like to read an excerpt from Dennis' e-book,
14:15Sky Warriors, just to show what these freedoms can achieve
14:19if only we lived in a world that would allow them.
14:22Here we go.
14:23Yasmin didn't believe in wearing bras.
14:26In fact, she really didn't need to.
14:28Her breasts were still as firm as they had been in her late teens.
14:31Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:32Nipples.
14:34Inner thigh.
14:36Wetness.
14:37Ah, here we are.
14:38Yes, yes, she moaned.
14:39Do it now, please.
14:40Don't wait any longer.
14:42Here's another good bit.
14:43She pulled his trousers off, ripped the underpants off excitedly
14:47and took him in her mouth.
14:49This was one of the rewards that Rono so enjoyed.
14:52The fruits of his victory.
14:54OK, so no judgement there.
14:57He's entitled to his views on the way people have sex with each other
15:00as much as the next person.
15:01So good luck to them and I hope that come next election,
15:04he and Corey enjoy the fruits of their victory.
15:06Well, stranger things than Corey have been happening in the Senate though
15:11and to talk us through them is former advisor to Jackie Lambie
15:14and now mad as hell political commentator Dolly Norman.
15:17Dolly, um, Dolly, I'd read that Senator Lambie's Chief of Staff
15:23was suing her for non-payment relating to ghostwriting and autobiography
15:27but I didn't know it was you so I'm so sorry to hear that.
15:30Yeah, well, um, politics is a dirty business, Sean.
15:33But, um, I can say that moving forward I will not be betraying
15:37any of the confidences that I shared with Jackie when I worked with her.
15:41Although, the seven chapters of her book that I wrote will be available for free
15:46on my Jackie Lambie is a Mole Facebook page.
15:50Look forward to reading that.
15:51Anyway, you're with us here now to give you a special insight
15:54into the workings of the Senate.
15:55Yeah, um, I had hoped to go to America and work, um,
15:59as the White House Director of Communications, but that fell through.
16:03Um, and then I was lined up to work at Sky News as an exotic dancer.
16:08Um, but then Peter Credlin suggested that I come to the ABC and work for you.
16:13Well, I'm glad she did.
16:14Now, I would be very interested to hear your round-up of what's been happening
16:17in the Senate this last week.
16:20Now?
16:21Yes, if you could.
16:23Oh.
16:24Malcolm Roberts, idiot.
16:26Sam Dastyari, snake.
16:28Pauline, handsome.
16:29Nice fashion sense.
16:31Mattias Cormann, stud.
16:34Erica Vets, psycho.
16:36Michaelia Cash, a really beautiful spirit.
16:40Arthur Sinodinas, turd.
16:42Helen Polly, never heard of her.
16:45John Brandis, bald.
16:47Conchetta Fiera and Bianchi Wells.
16:49Hard to say.
16:50Oh.
16:51What's hard to say?
16:52Her name.
16:54I spent all week rehearsing her.
16:56Oh, Dolly.
16:57Thank you very much indeed, Dolly Norman.
16:58Still to come, later in the week.
17:00Actually, would you like to do it, Dolly?
17:01Oh, yeah, sure.
17:02Um, still to come, later in the week.
17:04It's more professional, I think.
17:05The green-bottled blowfly, Lucilia Caesar, will lay more than 400 eggs at a time.
17:20It will be six months before its anus has fully recovered.
17:24That's Sean McAless, the fucking flies in this country, honestly.
17:29Monday on ABC1.
17:34Well, to paraphrase 19th century British politician Lord Acton, power corrupts.
17:42Absolute power has gone up by 120% in the last decade.
17:45So the government has decided to act, despite never having any lessons.
17:49By forcing our major energy retailers to explain to their customers
17:53when their discounted electricity contracts are about to end
17:56and what other cheaper offers are available.
17:58It's like putting Dracula in charge of a campaign to stop young women exposing their necks.
18:03But Treasurer Scott Morrison says he wants to shuffle the deck
18:07that's currently stacked heavily in favour of energy providers.
18:10A key part of that is giving customers greater power over their own bills.
18:15Yeah, and how much is that power going to cost us?
18:18And then he raises the issue of the complexity of finding the best deal for your household.
18:24And we want to let the light in on this and let the ventilation in as well.
18:31Great, now that's more money on lights and air conditioning.
18:34I liked him more when he was Immigration Minister.
18:37And that's saying something because I really hated him.
18:40Anyway, government called a meeting of Australia's major electricity providers last week
18:45in the view to pressuring them on pricing. This, I believe, is communism.
18:48The state trying to control the market. I believe the market must be unencumbered
18:52and free to leave us cold and unable to cook our food.
18:56Energy Minister Comrade Frydenberg begged to differ.
18:59Well, this is absolutely critical, today's discussion, to getting lower power prices.
19:04But lower prices are just the beginning.
19:06Personal solar panel, 8753. Head-worn wind turbine, 15102.
19:13Because Comrade Frydenberg is demanding power companies bring down bills,
19:18warning they have a sword of Damocles hanging over their heads.
19:22But Greens Senator Adam Bant doesn't see it that way.
19:27Malcolm Turnbull might talk about the sword of Damocles in public,
19:30but then in private he pulls out the wet lettuce and gives them a flogging.
19:34So, what's hanging over the heads of electricity providers
19:37is not so much the sword of Damocles,
19:39but the wet lettuce of Con the Fruggeret.
19:42So, anyway, the PM calls the head honchos from the energy companies up to Canberra
19:47and by gibbety, did he give them a dressing down?
19:49Thank you for joining us.
19:51Yeah.
19:53But then he really started cracking heads.
19:56Millions of Australian families are paying too much for their electricity.
20:00What we want to do is see that you work with us to ensure that they get the best deal.
20:07Hmm, cop that!
20:09He completely lost his rag with them, didn't he?
20:12I can't believe he let the cameras in to film that.
20:15And by the way, from that same story comes my nomination for the Logie for Best Supporting Actor in a News Story.
20:25Check out this performance.
20:28Well, to Berlin first, where two Chinese tourists have been arrested for making Hitler salutes outside the Reichstag building,
20:45which could land them in prison for three years.
20:48Three years for raising your arm? What is this, Nazi Germany?
20:52When Hitler went to jail, it was only for eight months, and he was Hitler.
20:58Oh, hello.
20:59To Scotland now, where researchers say tiny flecks of gold could help cure lung cancer after the treatment proved effective on a zebrafish.
21:08Researcher from the University of Edinburgh and borderline racist stereotype Dr. Gene McTierney, you conducted this test?
21:16Aye, I did, Sean, that's right.
21:18I implanted a wee thing in the brain of the zebrafish, and it cured them.
21:22Well, we were each surprised, as you can imagine.
21:24I didn't ken the who's and the ways at first.
21:27So, we heard our wish and repeated it, and the results were eat all right.
21:33This is great news for smokers, obviously, in terms of its human application.
21:37I didn't ken about the human application, Sean, but it's good news for zebrafish all over the world.
21:43Zebrafish who smoke?
21:46Aye.
21:47I mean, it's good and bad, really, with the price of cigarettes as high as they are, and the government unlikely to include medicinal gold dust as part of the pharmaceutical benefits scheme.
21:58These poor fish are still going to suffer.
22:01How do they light their cigarettes under the water?
22:04Ask a friend to do it.
22:07And as North Korea threatens retaliation against America claiming its missiles can reach any US city, President Donald Trump, in the tradition of besieged leaders, has retreated to his bunker.
22:20Most of us would be alarmed by these nuclear threats, but not the President.
22:25I feel very confident in the bunker.
22:28Now, for me, though, North Korea and the United States threatening to attack each other with nuclear weapons is a worry.
22:35Those things are very dangerous.
22:37Now, of course, the ABC has sent out a memo telling us not to pick sides in this thing because it will make it difficult for the ABC to be seen as impartial.
22:45But I say to hell with that. What's the ABC for if not to educate and for so-called comedians to use as a soapbox to lecture you from and which hopefully will go viral?
22:55Because this is a big deal now. You know, when it was just Russia and the United States, it didn't bother me so much because the radioactive cloud was just going to be over the northern hemisphere and didn't really concern us.
23:04But Guam is only five hours away by plane and only four minutes by ICBM.
23:10And I don't know if you've ever flown in one of those things, but there's barely enough time for the seatbelt demonstration.
23:16Anyway, it kind of made me wonder...
23:19Who's bothered? Who's bothered? Who's bothered to be kissing now?
23:25Right, now, obviously, China is out because we already have a pretty intense bottom-kissing relationship with them over trade.
23:32And I think it would make us seem a bit too needy if we started asking for them to intercept missiles for us.
23:37Japan are no good because after being fired at a few times already, they're quite happy that Kim Jong-un is shooting in our direction instead.
23:44And that just leaves the Philippines.
23:47Now, President Rodrigo Duterte is a pretty tough hombre and he shares many of the same values held by our government.
23:55If it involves human rights, I don't give a shit.
24:00So he might be amenable.
24:04The trouble is we're already helping him fight IS, so he's already busy kissing our bottom as he recently made abundantly clear to our mining companies operating in his country.
24:12I will tax you to death.
24:17Now, militarily, he's only capable of bombing cities in his own country, but I think he could be the man to broker a peace deal between North Korea and the US.
24:26I know he seems a little deranged and given to blunt and impulsive and even psychotic threats of violence, but I think it helps if you speak the language of the parties on either side.
24:36Who's bothering? Who's bothering? Who's bothering to be kissing now?
24:45Well, to Combank's breaches of anti-money laundering laws now, and while it's been a troubling few years for Commonwealth Bank customers,
24:51one positive from this later schlamozzle is that so far it appears that no terrorist cell drug cartel or drug runners were given bad financial advice or overcharged or were denied medical claims.
25:03Now, so far the bank has said that the 53,700 breaches were caused by a coding error.
25:09And it added, in an organisation as large as the Commonwealth Bank, mistakes can be made.
25:15But what sort of bank makes mistakes this big and this frequently?
25:19Combank can.
25:22Interesting that they refer to themselves now as Combank, not Commonwealth Bank.
25:26They've removed wealth. Force of habit, I guess.
25:32Oh, and excuse me, just one moment.
25:34And in an update, Combank CEO Ian Narev has announced he will leave the bank by the end of the financial year,
25:41meaning we can expect the bank not to notice or report his departure for another three or four years.
25:47Now, there's only so much you can glean about the inner workings of politics in this country by looking at our politicians on the news,
25:54whether it's Bill inarticulating an idea he doesn't quite understand
25:57or Malcolm pretending that what he says bears some relationship to what he actually thinks.
26:02Where did what we end up hearing first get compromised, diluted, dulled down and loosed from its moorings of logical thought and reason?
26:10Toasted Bayovan jimmied open the locked party room doors of Canberra to find out.
26:16A new broom sweeps clean, but not in this place.
26:20That's not to say veteran cleaner Coney Belknap doesn't do a good job.
26:24She's been responsible for the Liberal party room for 10 years and has seen a lot.
26:29I mean, I don't want to breach any confidences because it is a sacred trust between cleaner and politician.
26:35But I will say that after there has been a vigorous debate, I have my hands full trying to get this place looking presentable again.
26:41Quite often there are flecks of foam on the portraits back here and large pools of bile near those seats at the back.
26:48So who sits there?
26:50Tony Abbott, Erica Betts and Kevin Andrews.
26:54Bill Schlitz is the carpenter here at Parliament House and it's his job to repair any furniture that's destroyed during factional infighting.
27:02I don't want to give the impression that a lot of furniture is destroyed.
27:05Most of the irreparable damage comes during leadership spills or major policy shifts or whenever a poll comes out or any time the ABC does a story about Peter Dutton.
27:14Most of the time I just have to buff out the teeth and claw marks from the armrests or occasionally replace the odd chair leg if it's been used as a club or a flaming torch.
27:23Who used the chair legs as clubs in flaming torches?
27:27Oh, I wouldn't like to say. That'd be indiscreet.
27:30Is it Tony Abbott, Erica Betts and Kevin Andrews?
27:32Yeah. They're fucking psychos.
27:35But the right side of politics doesn't have an oligopoly on fucking psychos.
27:40Fairly containable rage runs high regardless of political stripe.
27:45The Labour Party room too has its stories to tell.
27:48Teak Wall Unit has worked exclusively for the Labour Party since he sluiced out their national conference in 2004.
27:56Oh, well that was the one Mark Latham spoke at, so you can imagine the overtime I had to put in.
28:01Still the amount of work back then pales into nothingness compared with the current levels I've got to contend with,
28:05particularly when they're dealing with refugees, penalty rates, foreign workers and Albo's denials that he has leadership ambitions.
28:11Perhaps the hardest working person in Canberra though is this man.
28:15His job is to administer Ritalin to those asking questions at the Senate Estimates hearings.
28:21And also to fire sedative darts into Scott Morrison after he's interviewed on Insiders.
28:30Well, not coming up because Utopia's on next.
28:33Lengths Dastyari will go to to redeem his reputation nauseating.
28:37And Water Minister struggles to breathe on dry land.
28:42And finally, performance artist Tim Minchin has lent his voice, shoes and socks to the pro-same-sex marriage course,
28:52with a version of I Still Call Australia Home. Here's a glimpse.
28:55It's bad enough, these poly assholes passed discriminatory laws.
29:02Now we're forced to dance the plebiscite chief.
29:05But on the upside, this plebiscite might enlighten us.
29:10At least we'll know exactly how many Aussies are bigger to darts.
29:15Now, obviously I apologise for the bad language and the even worse scantion.
29:22In the name of balance though, we thought we'd provide a musical something in support for the no vote.
29:28And so, to take us out tonight, office manager of floors 1 to 15 and Peter Dutton's super ministry,
29:34Draymella Burt.
29:35Look out people, it's a slippery slope, from same-sex marriage to marrying an animal.
29:47And if it's not just for a woman and a man, then let's just marry anything we can.
29:52Marry your pants or a butter knife, take a Bunnings Warehouse as your wife.
29:58Put a chase onto the family's underpinning, cause lower standards are just the beginning.
30:02Marry your pants, marry pants.
30:06Marry a crumpet, marry a crumpet.
30:09Marry a stick, marry a stick.
30:11Marry a SIM card, marry a SIM card.
30:14Marry some rice flour, marry some rice flour.
30:17Marry a bin, marry a bin.
30:20Marry linoleum, marry linoleum.
30:23Marry Mount Baw-Baw.
30:32Marryham.
30:35Marryham.
30:37않은
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