- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: May 25th 2016
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:001, 2, 3, 5
00:30Thank you very much. Well, well.
00:34Third week's a charm, isn't it?
00:36Now it's getting very, very interesting, kind of.
00:38Although I admit that I was a little bit shocked
00:40when I half-read this Google search list
00:41and saw that Malcolm Turnbull's popularity amongst voters
00:44has slid lower than Julia Gillard's.
00:46She's not even running.
00:49Then I actually clicked on one of the articles
00:52and saw that they meant when Julia was running
00:54against Tony Abbott back in 2010.
00:56Not that that means that Malcolm is out of the woods.
00:58If he's less popular than Tony Abbott was
01:00that means that he could face a leadership challenge.
01:03And if he's less popular than Julia Gillard
01:04that challenge could come from Kevin Rudd.
01:07Which would be even worse for everybody.
01:10It certainly doesn't look like
01:10there'll be a successful challenge from Bill Shorten.
01:12What's Bill's popularity these days?
01:14When you look at Bill Shorten's
01:16he's actually in negative territory at minus 6.
01:20Minus 6?
01:21I mean, if Bill can just build on that
01:23and get his popularity up to, say, naught
01:25he might have a chance.
01:27Personally, I think he should bring back the zingers.
01:29People like them.
01:30I know we did.
01:31Of course, the big news this last week
01:34wasn't so much about how our leaders were going
01:36as about what was going on behind their backs.
01:41Here's our PM.
01:42Here's our PM here talking to the press
01:44about the AFP rate on Labor's offices.
01:47And don't worry too much about what he's saying here.
01:49Labor should be ashamed of themselves.
01:51Just the usual stuff.
01:52Look instead at what Malcolm's standing in front of.
01:56That very impressive Turnbull Coalition team logo.
01:59It's great to know that even if the team itself aren't behind him
02:01an abstract representation of that idea is.
02:05It's very presidential, isn't it?
02:07Don't you think?
02:08Blue and gold with an inlaid blaze on
02:10and a single circle rim.
02:12Mind you, it also looks like the video game high school logo.
02:14What I really like about it
02:17is that it shows Australia completely surrounded
02:20by a strong, defined border.
02:22Whereas if you compare it with Labor's seal,
02:24their border is very ill-defined.
02:27Actually missing at the top end.
02:29Not quite the message to send
02:31if you're trying to appeal to people's worst instincts.
02:34Not that the Coalition seal is perfect.
02:36If it worked better, it might have prevented
02:37the leak of those NBN documents in the first place.
02:40Do you know where we can find Tony Jones?
02:54Yes, he's in the Late Line studio,
02:56which is just down the corridor there.
02:58Two doors along.
02:59Thanks.
03:00That's all right. Pleasure.
03:10Labor, of course, are very cross with the government
03:13for raiding their officers.
03:14And Stephen Cornroy is claiming parliamentary privilege
03:16over the documents they seized.
03:18And Malcolm Turnbull saying the government didn't know about it
03:20and Bill saying that they did.
03:22And the Minister for Communication, Mitch Fifield,
03:24saying that he knew, but he didn't tell Malcolm,
03:26which I guess makes him more of a Minister for Non-Communication.
03:29But someone who was there
03:30was a certain unnamed NBN employee
03:33who we thought we might as well call Tangelo Zapata.
03:36Now, Tangelo, you took some photos
03:38of the leaked NBN documents
03:40that no-one can look at because of parliamentary privilege.
03:42Yes, I did, Sean, yes.
03:44But then I was ordered to delete them by the AFP.
03:47And did you?
03:47No, I didn't.
03:48I had the foresight to email copies to my superiors
03:52and some of my friends and my sister.
03:53All right.
03:54And they sent them back to you.
03:56Now, can we look at them?
03:56No, you can't.
03:58Some of the attachments were quite large,
03:59and so they're still sending.
04:01Ten megabytes, some of them.
04:02Bloody NBN.
04:03Yes, I've never thought that.
04:04Sorry about the end.
04:12Two doors along, was it?
04:14Yes, that's right.
04:15Two doors along, down the corridor.
04:17That's all right. Pleasure.
04:20Still to come,
04:20exactly what those leaked documents reveal.
04:23How Telstra technicians are working overtime
04:26to ensure the NBN rollout meets 2020 deadline.
04:29And how the NBN tests the integrity of their fibre-to-the-node connections.
04:34Next, our former treasurer shows us just what he can achieve through political preferment.
04:41Then, a special look at how the ACCC, the Australian Press Council, and the Climate Change Authority allegedly work.
04:49And later, Annabelle Crabb attempts to humanise some international psychopaths when she has tea and orange cake,
04:56with ex-Congolese Vice President Jean-Pierre Bemba.
04:59Well, we had some sad news on Monday.
05:04Clive Palmer is not even going to run for the Senate.
05:06I know.
05:12Mr Palmer said that despite not now running for either House of Parliament, or perhaps because of it,
05:16he was confident his party would continue to play a significant role in Australian political life,
05:21and that only Palmer United could keep the bastards honest.
05:24Which does rather suggest they were honest to begin with.
05:27Whereas Jackie Lambie, seen here with Clive in happier times,
05:31says that she's going to make the bastards honest.
05:34Which does suggest they weren't honest to begin with.
05:37Personally, whatever the integrity of the bastards she's dealing with, I'm glad she's running again.
05:41In fact, she might have some company.
05:44Her Jackie Lambie network is putting not only Tasmania first,
05:47but also Queensland, Victoria, South Australia and Western Australia.
05:51Quite how you put everywhere first, I'm not sure.
05:55Maybe it's by putting everyone else second or third.
05:58A big election issue for Jackie is the war on terror suspects.
06:01The subject brought into sharp focus by the recent arrests of the five men allegedly
06:05planning a foreign incursion by speedboat.
06:08For Jackie, it's, not surprisingly, a no-brainer.
06:11Arrest those people before they actually do anything illegal.
06:14In fact, she'll go further than that, as she explains on that thing you have on in the morning, Sunrise.
06:19They had enough evidence to take away their passports, but they didn't, but they still had not arrested them.
06:24So, you know, so if they've got enough evidence to take away their passport,
06:27which I believe that these five men had their passports taken away from them,
06:32why aren't they arresting them and why aren't they locking them away and throwing away the key
06:36and actually setting an example and saying,
06:38we're not going to tolerate this zero-tolerance?
06:41Yes.
06:42Yes, why are we saying we're not going to tolerate this zero-tolerance?
06:45Chief of Staff for Jackie Lambie, Dolly Norman.
06:47Sean, it's like Jackie is always saying lately,
06:51ASIO are too soft on terrorists in this country.
06:55If we could have arrested those tinny terrorists
06:58before they bought that boat and towed it all the way to Queensland,
07:02then they would already be in prison already forever
07:04and we wouldn't be talking about it.
07:06Catch and release!
07:07Yes, but what about our justice system?
07:10Sure, you have to test any evidence against these men in court first.
07:13No.
07:14Not if you arrest them before they've actually done anything illegal.
07:18Sean, have you seen Minority Report of Tom Cruise?
07:22No, I...
07:23These bald, nude women in a pond
07:26have a dream that someone's going to do a crime
07:29and then they arrest them
07:32and then they get frozen or something.
07:36Stop halal!
07:38Well, thank you very much, Dolly.
07:39Would you mind throwing to the next piece?
07:42Oh, I know, yeah.
07:44Um, still to come later in the week.
07:49He's a teetotaler and intellectual,
07:52a virginal and asexual academic
07:54equally uninterested in sport,
07:56a devout Christian who's never sung along to K-San.
07:59That's Un-Australian Story, Tuesday 8pm.
08:08Welcome back.
08:09Milk.
08:10Farmers are crying foul over it,
08:11but Coles have come to the rescue
08:13with a new product designed to help the dairy industry
08:14out of the grave it dug for it
08:16with its $1 a litre policy.
08:18Some actual news footage has more.
08:20It'll sell a special brand of milk
08:22with proceeds to go to a farmer's fund.
08:24It says we'll deliver an extra 20 cents
08:27for every litre of milk sold.
08:29Customers will have the choice.
08:30They can buy the $2 per two litre of milk
08:33or they can pay a little bit extra
08:35knowing that the money that they spend
08:36will go back directly into the pockets of our farmers.
08:39So why a special brand?
08:41Why not just put your Coles brand milk up by 20 cents?
08:43Coles PR spokesmodel Gemma Pedy.
08:46It's about variety, Sean.
08:48Some people like more calcium,
08:49some people like less fat, A2, skim, organic, RBST free
08:53and are happy to pay that little bit extra.
08:55Yes, but those products are different from each other.
08:57This one's exactly the same as your regular milk.
08:59Well, it's like our free-range eggs
09:01or our dolphin-friendly tuna.
09:02Some people are happy to pay that little bit extra
09:04out of guilt over the suffering
09:05that making the product causes to the animals.
09:07So chickens get more room,
09:10the dolphins get less bed
09:12and the farmers get an extra 20 cents
09:14back in their pockets.
09:15Yes.
09:15So you're hopeful this special milk
09:17encourages less cruelty to farmers?
09:19Well, I guess.
09:19But I suppose some people just want cheap eggs and tuna
09:22and they can buy our cheaper products.
09:23So too, if customers don't care about the farmers,
09:25they can buy our regular milk.
09:27Do you think pity is a good selling point?
09:29Guilt, pity, remorse, shame, condescension.
09:32Coles are looking at a whole range of emotions
09:34that might generate sales.
09:36But don't underestimate the other end of the market, Sean,
09:39people who really hate farmers
09:40and enjoy seeing them suffer.
09:43But surely management get a staff discount?
09:46Well, we're trailing this in some of our stores
09:47that serve our more sociopathic suburbs
09:49like Edgecliff, 10 cents a litre.
09:52All right.
09:52Fuck you, farmers.
09:56Yeah.
09:57We reckon it's going to be a big seller.
09:59All right.
09:59Well, thank you very much.
10:00And coming up later,
10:00a farmer's perspective on what happens
10:02if the dairies don't play ball with the uncooperatives.
10:05Well, we can only hold out for so long
10:07because even the long-life milk's perishable eventually.
10:10After that, we've got to turn it into powdered milk.
10:12And then you can add water to it,
10:13reconstitute it back into milk again
10:15with a new use-by date.
10:16Then you hold on to it for as long as you can
10:18and then just before it expires,
10:20turn it back into powder again
10:21and so on until China eventually buys it.
10:24It's a cycle.
10:25Yeah, they ride a lot of them over there.
10:26Well, now, come July 2,
10:31when you all get into your cardboard confessional,
10:33you'll notice that the ballot paper
10:34looks a little different
10:35from the last time you drew a penis and testicles all over it.
10:39The Australian Electoral Commission
10:40have very kindly put a practice one up on the website
10:42for you to try out
10:43with what I assume are fictional party names.
10:45Although, as in real life,
10:47they will create strong reactions for and against, I'm sure.
10:49They've given us the Cloud Party,
10:52the Rain Party,
10:53the Humid Party,
10:55the Mist Party,
10:56in short, a party to cater
10:57for every meteorological condition.
10:59Now, you might think to yourself,
11:00oh, the Sun Party,
11:01I bet they have a very interesting policy
11:02on global warming.
11:03They sound all right to me.
11:04Sure, but remember,
11:05they are in coalition with the Fog Party.
11:08Is that a good move,
11:09sophologist Clancy Lanyard?
11:11Well, Sean,
11:12it's certainly a smart way
11:13to capture those key demographics
11:15of beach volleyball players
11:16and pirates on pre-dawn smuggling raids.
11:19It's hardly a stable coalition, though, is it?
11:21I mean, surely a more natural partner
11:23for the Fog Party
11:23would have been the Mist Party.
11:25Well, Fog has always been strong
11:27in the coastal electorate, Sean,
11:28and they'd be worried about Mist,
11:30not so much taking their seats
11:32as making them so damp
11:33no-one wants to sit on them.
11:34Yes.
11:35Look, likely scenario,
11:37they'll spit the vote
11:38and the otherwise unelectable rain party
11:40will end up with the balance of power
11:41and take the House next election
11:42in a mudslide.
11:43I see.
11:44Thank you, Clancy.
11:44I've got some computer graphics,
11:47if you'd just like to see them.
11:48Yep, no, no, I'm good.
11:51Sorry, please, please,
11:53I took hours doing these.
11:54I know, I know, I know,
11:55but Anthony Green's computer
11:58always crashes
11:59and it annoys Kerry O'Brien.
12:00I know, I know,
12:01but these are good.
12:01I've got them all ready to go.
12:02I don't think we're...
12:03We're OK.
12:03Please, please, Sean.
12:07All right.
12:08Oh, thank you.
12:10And here we are.
12:11This will just shoot up
12:12for fuck's sake.
12:14Well, for those of you
12:17following the election campaign
12:18more closely,
12:19Treasurer Scott Morrison
12:20had this timely reminder.
12:22Every time you see
12:23Bill Shorten's lips moving
12:24in this campaign,
12:25he's spending more
12:26and more money.
12:28Now, certainly,
12:28certainly puts a different perspective
12:30on this encounter.
12:31Come on, proper kiss.
12:32And just for balance,
12:40I should add that every time
12:41you see Senator Michaelia Cash's
12:42lips moving...
12:43We will be as tough on those
12:45seeking to abuse
12:46the 457 program
12:48as we are
12:49on people smugglers.
12:51It's like watching gymnastics.
12:55So far, though,
12:56I think this campaign
12:57has thrown up more questions
12:58than it's answered.
12:59For example,
13:00which of the major parties
13:01is the biggest arsehole
13:02when it comes to refugees?
13:04I mean, obviously,
13:04the Greens are out
13:05because they want to increase
13:06the intake to 50,000,
13:07a policy which elicited
13:08this response
13:09from the not-that-keen-on-immigration
13:10minister, Peter Dutton.
13:12They won't be, uh,
13:14you know,
13:14numerate or literate
13:15in their own language,
13:16let alone English.
13:18These people would be
13:18taking Australian jobs.
13:19There's no question about that.
13:21I mean,
13:21Mr Dutton makes
13:22an interesting point.
13:28Mr Dutton makes
13:29an interesting point.
13:30I mean,
13:30if immigrants
13:31who can't count
13:32or write in their own language
13:33are taking jobs
13:34from Australians,
13:34it's not a ringing endorsement
13:35of the quality
13:36of the local applicants,
13:37is it?
13:38I suppose the advantage
13:39the immigrants have
13:40is that they're illiterate
13:41and innumerate
13:41in two languages,
13:42whereas for most Australians
13:44it's only the one.
13:45Although being innumerate,
13:47they wouldn't be able
13:47to count up to the two languages
13:48they're illiterate
13:49and innumerate in,
13:50so ignorance is bliss,
13:51I guess.
13:52Anyway,
13:52things like that
13:53aren't necessarily obstacles
13:54to getting on in life.
13:56Election 2016,
13:57David Feeney
13:58didn't declare
13:58$2.3 million house
14:00and doesn't know
14:01if it's negatively geared.
14:02You see,
14:03Labor power broker
14:03David Feeney's innumerate.
14:04He was unable
14:05to count a $2.3 million
14:06property as an asset.
14:08Certainly hasn't
14:08held him back.
14:10And as for anyone
14:11interested in real estate,
14:12here's a picture
14:12of David Feeney's
14:13investment property.
14:14As you can see there,
14:15the current tenants
14:18have pledged
14:18their allegiance
14:19to the Greens,
14:20so good luck
14:21getting the landlord
14:21to fix anything
14:22around the house.
14:23At the end of the day,
14:24though,
14:25political campaigning
14:25isn't all high-fiving,
14:27high-vis,
14:28and high-how-you-doing,
14:30as this snapshot
14:30of life on the
14:31gruelling campaign trail
14:32shows.
14:33There's Bill Shorten
14:34campaigning in Tasmania,
14:36Barnaby Joyce
14:37in Brisbane,
14:37Julie Bishop
14:38explaining foreign policy
14:39in Adelaide,
14:40Malcolm Turnbull
14:41on the Mornington Peninsula,
14:43Malcolm Turnbull
14:43in the Northern Territory,
14:45Malcolm Turnbull
14:46and Barnaby Joyce
14:46in Bundaberg,
14:47Queensland,
14:48and Barnaby Joyce
14:49again campaigning
14:49in Tamworth.
14:51Did Sir Peter Cosgrove
14:52call an election
14:53or last drinks?
14:54Send your entries
14:55to, oh,
14:56it's so Australian
14:56to be seen
14:57consuming alcohol
14:57competition,
14:58care of the ABC,
14:59et cetera,
14:59and you could be
15:00in the running
15:01to win a Julia
15:02bed trimmer.
15:03Keep your favourite
15:04newsreader
15:04from getting unruly
15:05with this state-of-the-art
15:06lawn edger
15:06from ABC
15:07personnel grooming.
15:09Now,
15:09as many of you know,
15:10democracy in this country
15:11is being threatened
15:12by the ongoing
15:13doing of their job
15:14by the New South Wales
15:15Electoral Commission.
15:16They continue
15:16to deny the Liberal Party
15:18$4.4 million
15:19in campaign funding
15:20because of non-disclosure
15:21of illegal political donations.
15:23This man,
15:24Arthur Sinodinos,
15:25party treasurer
15:27at the time,
15:27has rightly refused
15:28to turn up
15:29to a Senate inquiry
15:30to face a lot
15:30of impertinent questions
15:31about who these
15:32illegal donations
15:33came from,
15:34arguing quite reasonably
15:35that he's already
15:36not answered those questions
15:37on two previous inquiries.
15:39Now,
15:39leaving aside
15:40just how those
15:41illegal donations
15:41came to end up
15:42in the Liberal Party coffers
15:43via a Liberal Party
15:44fundraising body,
15:45the question remains,
15:46how much has it
15:47disadvantaged the Libs
15:48election campaign
15:49not to have access
15:50to that $4.4 million?
15:52Because, let's face it,
15:52$4.4 million
15:53is a lot of money.
15:54I mean,
15:55it's four times
15:55what Mitch Fifield
15:56blew of the arts budget
15:57buying that investment property.
16:00So,
16:00we here at the
16:01State Broadcaster
16:02thought we'd help out
16:03the Libs
16:03in their time of need
16:04by making some
16:05much-needed campaign ads
16:06for them,
16:06free of charge,
16:07and air them on our show
16:09instead of actual content.
16:10Now,
16:12the lucky candidate
16:12tonight
16:13is a House of Reps
16:14backbencher,
16:16Ian Goodenough.
16:16He's been the Honourable Member
16:17for the Electorate of Moor
16:18in Perth
16:19since 2013,
16:20and here's our contribution
16:21to his hopeful
16:22re-election.
16:26Ian Goodenough
16:27didn't know anything
16:28about the fuel excise
16:29in 2014.
16:30I haven't really
16:31got into that.
16:33He knew nothing
16:34about tensions
16:35between his party
16:36and the Nationals.
16:37I don't really
16:38have anything
16:38much to say
16:39about that.
16:40And he's not
16:41about to back down
16:42when people suggest
16:43he should have.
16:44No,
16:44I don't think so.
16:46He knew nothing
16:46about Malcolm Turnbull's
16:47trouble with Alan Jones.
16:49I didn't watch that.
16:51And he had no idea
16:52about Turnbull's plan
16:53to topple Abbott.
16:54Do you think
16:55he wants the Prime Minister's job?
16:56No,
16:56I don't think so.
16:58He is a humble
16:58backbencher
16:59who's not in the loop
17:00and has nothing
17:01to do with the budget,
17:03the submarines,
17:03the banking industry,
17:04taxation,
17:05the deficit,
17:06health funding,
17:07Gonski or deregulating
17:09university fees.
17:10You know,
17:10rather not
17:11common.
17:13Re-elect Ian Goodenough.
17:15He's got nothing
17:16to do with it.
17:21The trouble
17:22with most industry
17:23watchdogs
17:24is they have no teeth.
17:25You're armed
17:26to the teeth.
17:28Use them.
17:30Beauty only gets you
17:31so far
17:32in a boys club.
17:33I headhunted you
17:35because you're
17:36from Asia
17:36and not because
17:37we once loved each other.
17:39I want you on this team
17:40because we're a team
17:41and you complete me.
17:45But I've got nephritis.
17:47I don't care.
17:48Get back to work.
17:50Boss,
17:51the car's here
17:51and it's red.
17:58Because cleaning up
17:59a world
18:00that just got
18:01a whole lot dirtier
18:02got a sec.
18:05This hospice
18:06should have been
18:06completed days ago.
18:08Those bastards
18:08have been ratcheting up
18:09equipment costs
18:09but we can't prove it
18:10because there's
18:11absolutely no evidence of it.
18:12What equipment?
18:13Tractors,
18:14bulldozers,
18:15snowcat,
18:15track skitters,
18:16graders,
18:17skip loaders,
18:18excavators,
18:18dredgers,
18:19backhoes,
18:20harvesters,
18:20articulated haulers,
18:21compactors,
18:22aerial work platforms,
18:23lift tables,
18:24cherry pickers,
18:25cranes,
18:26forklift,
18:26asphalt pavers,
18:27ballast tampers,
18:28pile driver,
18:28earth moving,
18:29rotary tillers,
18:29straight sweepers,
18:30cement mixers,
18:31wheel forwarders,
18:32dump trucks.
18:33I've heard enough.
18:35Taxi!
18:36It's hard.
18:39What's wrong,
18:40Enid?
18:40You better get her
18:41obstetrician on the blower.
18:43I think it's her ovaries.
18:44But who said union smashing
18:47was ever meant to be soft
18:49or that a scum
18:50was easy to remove?
18:51I know you're in pain.
18:53We all are.
18:55But unless you tell us
18:56what your husband did
18:57and provide enough proof
18:59to put him behind bars
19:00for the rest of his life,
19:02we can't help him.
19:03But you said
19:04he was only going to get
19:05a $350,000 fine
19:07and have his union deregistered.
19:09I lied.
19:11Water, water, Hennessy.
19:13Please, no!
19:14No!
19:16No!
19:18Enid Swick.
19:19Coming soon.
19:22Time now for...
19:23News from countries
19:25that are just Australia.
19:26Proudly brought to you by...
19:28Our Join the Dots Canberra book.
19:30Feel the frustration
19:31melt away
19:32as you restore
19:33Chris Bowen's beard.
19:35Or work out
19:35just what Tony Abbott
19:37has in mind
19:37to promote party unity.
19:39Available at the ABC shop online.
19:42Well, to the UK first,
19:43where the University of East Anglia
19:44has, for health and safety reasons,
19:46banned the throwing of mortarboards
19:48into the air
19:48on graduation day.
19:49Instead, the university
19:50recommends students
19:51mime the throwing action
19:52and have the mortarboard
19:54digitally added
19:55to the photos later.
19:57Yes, why not Photoshop
19:58the gown on as well
19:59to avoid the expensive hiring one?
20:00Or just mock up the diploma
20:02and save yourself
20:02three or four years
20:03in a hex den?
20:04Yeah, right on!
20:05Now to America.
20:11A Boston hospital
20:13has become the first
20:14in the United States
20:15to perform
20:16a successful
20:17penis transplant.
20:19And there is
20:20Thomas Manning,
20:20the transplant recipient.
20:22Obviously,
20:22that's before the operation.
20:24Excuse me.
20:26Hello?
20:27Oh, yes.
20:28I'm sorry.
20:29All right.
20:29Bye-bye.
20:29Sorry, apparently
20:35that's his thumb
20:36he's holding up.
20:37And they certainly
20:39got the right surgeon
20:40to perform the operation.
20:42Dickon Coe.
20:43Which, incidentally,
20:45is a great business name.
20:47A Dr. Bryant appointment
20:48was the donation
20:49of this penis
20:50an incredibly generous gesture
20:52by a friend
20:52or did the donor
20:54perhaps have two?
20:56No, Sean,
20:56the donor would have
20:57been deceased.
20:58Oh, I see.
20:58Yeah, the donor penis
20:59is always taken
21:00from a stiff.
21:03What if you require
21:04this procedure?
21:05Could you handle
21:05a dead man's penis?
21:12Well, obviously,
21:13I hope it wouldn't happen.
21:14Touch wood.
21:16But, look,
21:17if I were to lose
21:18my penis,
21:19I think I'd adopt
21:20the philosophy
21:20of that old
21:21Stephen Still song.
21:23You can't be
21:23with the one you love?
21:25Love the one you will.
21:28So far,
21:28the news for Mr. Manning
21:30is good.
21:30His penis has not
21:31been rejected.
21:32Sadly,
21:33the same cannot be said
21:34for this man.
21:38And finally,
21:39to upstate New York now,
21:44where the mayor
21:44of a local town
21:45has been arrested
21:46for stealing 111 road signs.
21:49Apparently,
21:50the limit is 110.
21:56Join Madonna Flann
21:58this Thursday
21:59as she drops in
22:00on the Minister for Employment,
22:01Michaelia Cash.
22:02Hello.
22:03Michaelia's not here,
22:04but she said she can come in
22:05and get started.
22:05Oh, lovely.
22:06So, how is Michaelia?
22:09She's good, yeah.
22:11Don't forget
22:12to disinfect the rim.
22:13Aussie pollies
22:14like you've never
22:15wanted to see them before
22:16in interviews
22:17that combine
22:17the cut and thrust
22:18of a zoot review
22:19with the latest
22:20in scrummy desserts.
22:22I think this
22:23could do with
22:23the softer soap.
22:25Hurry up.
22:25Got the drains
22:26to snake out.
22:27Oh, yes, yes.
22:29Order in the house.
22:30Hard-hitting
22:31journotainment
22:32with the Walkley
22:33or Logie Award
22:34hoping for Madonna Flann.
22:36I'll get the head of news
22:38to pop around
22:39and have a look
22:39at that intake valve.
22:40I'm not sure
22:41I was sucking up enough.
22:42Sure you don't want
22:43any money?
22:43No, no.
22:45All part of the service.
22:47Followed by
22:47a vague feeling
22:48of emptiness
22:49at eight o'clock.
22:51Say hi to Michaelia.
22:52Good luck in July.
22:56Well, they say
22:57that every time
22:57an election promise
22:58is broken,
22:59an angel gets its wings.
23:00If that's true,
23:01there must be
23:02a fuckload of them
23:03flapping around
23:03in heaven tonight.
23:04One of which
23:05is the result
23:06of a $16 million
23:07worth of funding
23:08promised to iconic
23:09Aussie brand Cadbury
23:10in the 2013 election,
23:11now going to other projects
23:12like Gourmet Sausage Maker
23:14Versthaus.
23:15It's a bitter pill,
23:16only soluble
23:17by the wisdom
23:18of the elders.
23:30Francis?
23:32Mmm.
23:32Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate,
23:37chocolate.
23:38Is there anyone
23:38who doesn't like it, Bill?
23:40Oh, well,
23:40there are some
23:41like myself
23:42who suffer from
23:42an intolerance
23:43to cocoa
23:44and get headaches
23:44and nausea
23:45and often diarrhoea,
23:46but generally,
23:47yes,
23:48a very popular
23:48confectionery item.
23:50Now,
23:51you're going to be
23:52handing some out
23:53as a voluntary ambassador
23:54at the Paralympics
23:56in Rio later this year.
23:57Yes, yes, yes,
23:58and it's true.
23:59Cadbury,
23:59our sponsor there,
24:00and I used to work there
24:01when I was a boy.
24:02Sacked I was
24:03after the sex change operation.
24:06Wouldn't happen now,
24:07of course.
24:07I mean,
24:08it's almost compulsory
24:09to have a LGBT employee
24:10these days,
24:11or at least somebody
24:12on the spectrum,
24:12isn't it?
24:13And you worked
24:14in the chocolate industry
24:15for many years.
24:16In fact,
24:17you started off, Bill,
24:18as T-boy
24:19at Ernest Hillier Chocolates.
24:21It was my idea
24:22to put plastic
24:23inside Mars bars.
24:25And now you're back
24:26at Cadbury
24:27as ambassador.
24:27Yes,
24:28I get to dress up
24:29as a block of chocolate
24:30in a bow tie
24:31and throw samples
24:32at the crowd,
24:32or,
24:33if I'm facing
24:34in the wrong direction,
24:35the athletes.
24:36I suppose it's hard
24:37to see out of the head.
24:39No,
24:39there's no costume.
24:41Now,
24:41I just have to brown up
24:42with shoe polish.
24:43But I do have stigmata
24:45and sometimes
24:45that confuses me.
24:48I think you mean
24:49astigmatism.
24:49No,
24:50that's not what
24:50the Archbishop said.
24:53Do you think
24:54that chocolate
24:55and elite sports
24:57are a good combination?
24:58I did wonder about that,
24:59but I honestly don't think
25:00our reputation
25:01will suffer all that much.
25:02Don't forget,
25:03it's the Paralympics,
25:04not that drug-fueled
25:05other one.
25:06No,
25:06no,
25:06I mean...
25:07Come with me,
25:07Francis.
25:08There's something
25:08I'd like to show you
25:09which I think
25:10may be of interest to you.
25:12Come,
25:13get aboard,
25:14greenie.
25:15Oh,
25:16come on,
25:16you deserve to pamper
25:17yourself occasionally.
25:19Oh,
25:19how decadent.
25:21A bath of chocolate.
25:22Yeah,
25:24yeah,
25:24chocolate.
25:27Mmm,
25:27disgusting.
25:29Well,
25:29not coming up
25:29because comedy showroom
25:31is on in a minute.
25:33King's school
25:33end of season trip
25:34goes off
25:35without a hitch
25:36and ABC fact-check unit
25:38sorely missed
25:39as extraordinary claims
25:40made on campaign trail.
25:42They're all different,
25:43aren't they,
25:43folks?
25:43Yeah,
25:44very different.
25:45They'll never find
25:45the same boat.
25:48Well,
25:49a final word
25:50in defence
25:50of our immigration
25:51minister,
25:52if I may.
25:52Not from me,
25:53obviously,
25:53but our prime minister
25:54who said it was important
25:56for all Australians
25:56to know
25:57that the government
25:58that they elect
25:59determines
26:00who comes to Australia.
26:01So,
26:02clearly taking a leaf
26:03out of former PM
26:04John Howard's book there.
26:05He must have also
26:06been sorely tempted
26:07to take a leaf
26:07out of this man's mouth.
26:38Goodbye.
26:59Jive, baby.
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