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Honky Kong
  • 6/12/2025
Original Broadcast Date: February 28th 2018

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TV
Transcript
00:00Oh, bloody hell!
00:04Here's those draft minutes from yesterday's Blue Sky Sessions, Minister.
00:07Should I put them on your desk or link them straight to the ABC?
00:13No. No, we mustn't.
00:16Why not? I've closed the door. Someone might not come in for minutes.
00:21You heard the Prime Minister. His wife doesn't want us to physicalise our love.
00:26It's wrong. It's wrong and it's bad and it doesn't play well in the electorate if it gets out.
00:32What is this? Nazi Germany and some sort of brave New Orwellian 1984?
00:36Where a man and a woman can't make love in each other just because Lucy Turnbull thinks it's rude?
00:44I'll get a fresh blotter.
00:48What's going on here then? I heard moaning outside, moaning. Yes, it's disgusting.
00:56Who are you? I am Phil Maleg.
00:58I am the Chief Under-Secretary of the PM's office in charge of his Stop Messing About taskforce.
01:03We weren't messing about. We're just close friends.
01:05Close, eh? We'll find that out. Close, Drayb Miller? Yes.
01:10Fifteen and a half centimetres.
01:13You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Matron, fetch the blue light and go and check for stains on the furniture.
01:21Yes. No, not me, you fool!
01:24Hang on, Maleg. You can't just barge in here and stick your nose in our business.
01:28How would you like if I started poking about in your private matters?
01:31Yes, well, we'll find out, shall we? Private matters!
01:35Yes, sir. Yes.
01:37Yes.
01:38This gentleman here over there, he wants to know whether he can have a bit of a poke about in you.
01:43Well, I don't know about that, sir. I've not been the same since I backed into the asher of the black rod up the rear of the chamber that time.
01:49Yes, I know.
01:50He said I ruined his last three Senate openings.
01:53Rectum?
02:00Well, I didn't do him any good.
02:03Look, I can assure you that there is nothing untoward going on in this office.
02:08We are public servants dedicated to furthering the financial, health, educational and employment, well-being and security of the Australian voter.
02:14We are not here for any other purpose.
02:16Phil?
02:17Yes?
02:18Have a look at this.
02:19Yes.
02:24Yes.
02:27Yes, well, everything appears to be in order.
02:30Erm, I'm sorry to have bothered you unnecessarily.
02:34Good day to you.
02:36Matron, please.
02:44Matron!
02:46Matron!
02:51Matron!
02:54Matron, come to the wire!
03:00Matron!
03:02Matron!
03:04Matron!
03:05Matron!
03:09Matron!
03:15Well, they say if the cat's away, the mice do play.
03:18Well, last week, the mice got together a 150-piece orchestra
03:21and performed Wagner's The Ring Cycle.
03:25It was a great show.
03:27Tony Abbott was featured soloist on radio and in print
03:30with Scott Morrison, Steve Chobo and Matthias Corman
03:34drowning them out on Counterpoint.
03:36We had the National Party on duelling banjos.
03:40And Barnaby Joyce leading the horn section.
03:46Peter Dutton was busy too, working on the libretto
03:49of a beautiful new piece called The Pledge,
03:54which he's hoping will be chanted in schools
03:56so that our children don't become radicalised.
03:59Apparently, it's a bit like the one new citizens have to recite
04:01on what used to be called Australia Day.
04:04And I guess the logic is that if, God forbid, one of our kids,
04:07my own daughter, a Sky Warrior, for example,
04:10grows up, goes a bit weird and wants to blow up the Bradman Museum,
04:15just as she's about to press down on the plunger,
04:17she stops cackling insanely, remembers the pledge she took
04:20when she was six...
04:21..and mends her ways and presumably becomes a young Liberal.
04:25It's a great idea, though.
04:28I really think we should add Poet Laureate to Pete's super-ministry
04:32and get him to do the preamble to the Constitution as well.
04:35And it's not just me that likes the idea.
04:37The acting PM last week liked it too.
04:39And I think you will as well.
04:41I tell you what, let's try it out for size.
04:43Let's pretend like this is a classroom, all right,
04:45and I'm the teacher and you're all students
04:47and I just happen to have here the citizenship pledge
04:50written out here on an idiot court.
04:52Are we all paying attention?
04:56Bloody kids.
04:57We should put you all in prison now and be done with it.
05:01But I don't want to detract from the important news of the week,
05:04not what the mice were up to, but what the cat was doing.
05:07Look at him there, look.
05:10Yes, he's fluttering his eyes at me.
05:13Yes, the cat went to London, the US,
05:17to visit the Queen, the President.
05:20And it always makes us feel good as Australians
05:22when we see our PM standing next to an actual world leader.
05:26Particularly an American one.
05:29The fact is that when Americans...
05:31When Americans like us,
05:35be it our movie stars or our sandwich fillings
05:38or even the funny way we talk,
05:41we feel validated.
05:44And they really turned it on for our Commander-in-Chief,
05:47didn't they?
05:47Three days in the House,
05:49right across the road from the President's place,
05:51so they could wave at each other
05:52when they were putting the bins out.
05:54They usually guest stay only two days,
05:56but the PM got comped an extra day
05:58and a late checkout time.
06:00And the Wi-Fi was free too,
06:02which was great,
06:03because that was the only way the PM found out
06:05about Barnaby Joyce.
06:06Now, to be honest,
06:08I don't want to talk about Barnaby this week,
06:10because, as he said at his press conference,
06:12where he mentioned Vicky Campion,
06:14his ex-wife, his daughters,
06:15his unborn child,
06:16the autobiography he's writing,
06:17and the sexual harassment accusation he's facing...
06:20This has got to stop.
06:23And even more inaccurately...
06:26This is never about me.
06:30And he's right.
06:31And I don't want to make cheap jokes
06:34about him falling on his sword on Friday either.
06:36I stand alongside Barnaby
06:46and say shame on you
06:47for being interested in all of this nonsense
06:49and the media for reporting it.
06:50It's done.
06:51As Nationals Party President Larry Anthony said
06:54about Barnaby stepping down...
06:55It's been a sad day,
06:57but it also is a sense of a line
07:00being drawn under the sand.
07:01Mind you, the fact that the line's been drawn
07:06under the sand instead of in it
07:07means that we can't see it,
07:08which is probably why everyone's still
07:09banging on about it.
07:11Still, the last thing I want to be
07:13is one of those so-called comedians
07:15that Gerard Henderson rightly condemns,
07:17whose mission it is in life
07:18not to make us laugh,
07:19but to tell us what to think.
07:21So, instead, let me address the topic
07:24by telling you not what to think,
07:25but why you shouldn't think
07:26the way you already do.
07:27The things the way you do
07:29is what I'm telling you.
07:32You're gonna see the light
07:33when I hear you.
07:35You're running on board!
07:38OK, so there's a bit of talk in the press
07:40that with Barnaby joining Tony Abbott
07:42in the backbench,
07:43a new enemy lives in the PM's camp
07:46and that the ex-PM and the ex-deputy PM
07:47will get together
07:48and plot the downfall of our existing PM.
07:51But to what end?
07:53Yes.
07:56Yes, there was...
07:57..the occasional call last week
07:59for Tony Abbott to return as Liberal leader,
08:01mainly from him.
08:03But in truth, Tony showed us
08:05what a team player he really is,
08:07saying in a letter to the editor,
08:08he wrote to the Australian
08:09masquerading as an op-ed piece
08:11that it is the Prime Minister's right
08:13to choose his ministerial team
08:14and, given some of the policies
08:16of this government,
08:17I'm happy to serve on the backbench.
08:20Which is great,
08:21because the Prime Minister's happy
08:22he's on the backbench too.
08:24Everybody's happy.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:25Now, like Tony,
08:30I couldn't understand
08:31why Scott Morrison,
08:32Matthias Cormann and Steve Chobo
08:33were having a crack at him.
08:34He wrote,
08:35and remember,
08:35this is in an actual newspaper,
08:37not his dream journal.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:39You'd think a government
08:40that lost the past 27 news polls
08:42might be curious about
08:43how it could lift its game.
08:45Mind you,
08:45you might also think
08:46that a former Prime Minister
08:47who's lost 30 news polls
08:48might not be the best person
08:49to tell them.
08:49But no,
08:51ministers have gone out
08:52of their way
08:53to attack a colleague
08:54who knows more
08:54about winning elections
08:55than anyone in Parliament.
08:57And Tony hates attacks
08:58by his colleagues,
08:59as you can tell
09:00from his attacks
09:00on his colleagues.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:02So I don't think
09:04Tony is going to suddenly
09:05become Barnaby's BFF
09:06in the backbenches.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:08Tony already has a BFF
09:10in the backbenches.
09:11There he is there.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:12And...
09:14And, uh...
09:15And frankly,
09:16if Barnaby gets in between
09:17those two,
09:18there's going to be trouble.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20Mind you,
09:23if you add
09:24former Abbott Minister
09:25Erica Betts
09:26in there as well,
09:26Tony may well
09:27be able to put together
09:28a formidable shadow cabinet,
09:30one that's actually capable
09:31of taking down the government.
09:33Because, uh...
09:34Because some of Tony's ideas
09:35last week weren't half bad.
09:37He proposed cuts to immigration.
09:39And to be fair,
09:39many of his colleagues
09:40fell in right behind him,
09:42that being the best position
09:42to kick him in the arse.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44Straight-acting
09:46Prime Minister Cormann said,
09:47Tony Abbott is wrong.
09:49Cabinet colleague
09:50Steve Chobo added,
09:51I could not disagree
09:52more strongly
09:53with Tony Abbott's comments.
09:54Further adding,
09:55it was a shame
09:56to often see immigrants
09:57having the finger of blame
09:58pointed at them.
09:59Even his former
10:00Immigration Minister,
10:01Treasurer Scott Morrison,
10:03dissed Mr Abbott's remarks,
10:04prompting the normally
10:05reclusive Mr Abbott
10:06to say...
10:07Scott's problem,
10:08he has been captured
10:09by his department.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12Not physically,
10:19obviously.
10:20Public service
10:21can't even keep hold
10:22of a filing cabinet.
10:23But ideologically
10:25and psychologically
10:26in a very real
10:27and non-literal sense.
10:28Treasury Department
10:29senior economist
10:30bitch Flood Uncle
10:31is, um...
10:33Is Treasury capable
10:34of actually capturing
10:35or controlling the mind
10:35of a senior government official?
10:37Oh, I think that's
10:38overstating our powers, Sean.
10:40Although you may just
10:41be starting to feel
10:42a little unusual.
10:44Eyes getting heavy
10:45and when I snap my fingers
10:46on the count of three
10:47you will appreciate
10:48that all of Treasury's
10:50economic modelling
10:50is impeccable.
10:51And you are a chicken.
10:54One.
10:55Two.
10:55I'm sorry bitch,
10:56I'm going to have to
10:57leave it there
10:57for just one moment
10:58cos joining us
10:59via pretend satellite
11:00from in front of
11:01a picture of Canberra
11:02is selfie coordinator
11:03for the Prime Minister's
11:04Department,
11:05Fever Peepee.
11:06Who's right, Fever?
11:09The former Prime Minister
11:10or the former
11:11Immigration Minister?
11:12Sean, the Australian
11:13Government welcomes
11:14migrants from all
11:16over the world.
11:17Yes, my actual
11:20question though
11:20was who's right,
11:21Mr Abbott or Mr Morrison?
11:22Would cutting
11:23immigration help us
11:23or hinder us?
11:25Well, we believe
11:26migrants have made
11:27an outstanding
11:28contribution to
11:29the Australian way
11:29of life.
11:31Yes, we seem to be
11:32having some problems
11:33with a pretend satellite.
11:34I'm wondering whether
11:35you agree with Mr Abbott
11:36that we need to cut
11:37immigration.
11:38Yeah, I have answered
11:39that question, Sean.
11:40No, you've answered
11:41some other question
11:42that I haven't asked,
11:42like do migrants
11:43contribute to the country?
11:44But I'll take it as a no.
11:46It's not a no.
11:48Well, if you're not
11:49going to answer my
11:49questions, I'll have to.
11:50Well, what's the point
11:52of me being here?
11:54There isn't one.
11:55Oh, I see.
11:55You're happy to answer
11:56your own questions
11:56but not mine.
11:57Yes, you are.
11:59Do you agree with
12:00Mr Abbott's remarks?
12:01Yes, you do
12:01but you can't say so.
12:03Has he yet again
12:03made the government
12:04look like it's
12:05pitted against itself?
12:06Yes, he has.
12:06Is this another
12:07own goal you could
12:08have done without?
12:08Absolutely.
12:09Is this how you want
12:10these interviews to run?
12:11No, it isn't.
12:12So what are you
12:12going to do about it?
12:13Nothing.
12:13Well, thanks for your
12:14time.
12:14No, thank you.
12:14I'll be with you
12:23in just a moment.
12:24Still to come,
12:25Lyle Shelton on what
12:26it's been like moving
12:27from the Australian
12:28Christian lobby to the
12:29foyer of Bates Motel.
12:32Plus, public transport.
12:33My interview with
12:34spokesperson from Sydney
12:35Trains takes an
12:36unusual turn.
12:38I mean, everybody
12:38who works here, I mean,
12:39crypto...
12:40Oh, thank you very much.
12:44And actually,
12:49speaking of Corey
12:50Bernardi, whenever
12:51the words...
12:51Whenever the words
12:54sex and politics
12:55appear in the same
12:55sentence, Corey isn't
12:56far away, usually with
12:57some sort of claim
12:58about bestiality.
13:00This week, though, he
13:01limited himself to
13:02advice that Mr Joyce
13:03isn't the only minister
13:04having sex with their
13:05staff, saying he didn't
13:07think Barnaby Joyce
13:07was Robinson Crusoe.
13:10And Corey is quite
13:12right.
13:12For a start,
13:13Robinson Crusoe
13:13survived a shipwreck
13:14and Barnaby hasn't.
13:17Robinson Crusoe
13:17had a man Friday
13:19and Crusoe took
13:20Friday English,
13:21which I don't think
13:22Barnaby is qualified
13:22to do.
13:24Although he does have
13:25other skills.
13:26I don't want to be
13:26unfair to the man.
13:30Anyway, like I say,
13:32I don't want to tell
13:32you what to think
13:33about all of this,
13:34although one final
13:35observation, if I may,
13:36now Barnaby is no
13:37longer a minister,
13:38he's no longer bound
13:39by the PM's new
13:40ministerial code of
13:41conduct, if you know
13:42what I mean.
13:44And coming up also
13:52later in the program,
13:53the person making
13:54the sexual harassment
13:55allegations against
13:56Barnaby Joyce
13:56identified as
13:57Nationals MP
13:58Michael McCormack.
13:59I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
14:03the person making the
14:04sexual harassment
14:04allegations against
14:05Barnaby Joyce
14:06identified as
14:07Nationals MP,
14:08Michael McCormack
14:08replaces him as
14:09leaders.
14:10Two separate stories.
14:12I must say, though,
14:15Mr. McCormack's only
14:16been in the job five
14:17minutes and he's
14:17already saved the
14:18country from a major
14:19security scare by
14:20preventing this man
14:21from becoming deputy
14:22prime minister.
14:24Defeating him in the
14:2421-member ballot by a
14:26margin the Nationals
14:27won't reveal, but which
14:28we estimate to be in
14:29the vicinity of 21.
14:34But of course, the big
14:35question this week is
14:37can the new leader keep
14:39the coalition together?
14:40Barnaby's departure
14:41leaves a yawning
14:41Barnaby-shaped hole in
14:43the National Party that
14:44only someone of the same
14:45contour can sufficiently
14:46fill.
14:47And like the little
14:48Dutch boy who had the
14:49right-shaped finger to
14:50plug the hole in
14:51Amsterdam's infrastructurally
14:53unsound dyke, Mr. McCormack
14:55will need to have the
14:56strength to withstand the
14:57enormous pressure from
14:58the water issue building
14:59up at the now-closed
15:00mouth of the Murray-Darling
15:01Basin plant, all the way
15:03down through the body
15:04politic and out the
15:05SA urinary tract of
15:06Bury, Blanchetown and
15:08Tayland Bend.
15:10To say nothing of Barnaby's
15:11other portfolio of
15:12transport and the
15:14Australian Pesticides and
15:15Veterinary Medicines
15:15Authority, he moved to his
15:16own electorate.
15:17And his fondly remembered,
15:19now that he's gone,
15:20though at the time
15:20embarrassing, deputy PM-ness.
15:22Central Director of the
15:24Nationals, Cookie, where
15:25to now for your party?
15:29Well, Sean, Barnaby's sure
15:31taken that herd just about
15:32as far as he can, right up
15:34to the edge of that there
15:35ravine.
15:36Now it's up to the rest of
15:37us to band together,
15:39mosey on forward and
15:40punch us to our certain
15:42deaths.
15:42Now, Barnaby's legacy,
15:43though, is a party riven
15:45with discord on a state and
15:46federal level.
15:47How do you keep the herd
15:48together?
15:49Well, Sean, as Barnaby used
15:50to say, you can lead a
15:52horse to water, but you
15:53can't make it drink the
15:5570 billion litres of water
15:56that irrigators want to
15:58siphon off the environment
15:59in the Northern Plains to
16:00keep their cotton wet.
16:03Now, it is...
16:05He's going to be hard to
16:06replace, though, isn't he?
16:07Oh, ain't nothing's
16:08irreplaceable, Sean,
16:09excepting maybe perhaps the
16:10billions of gigalitres of
16:12water in the Murray-Darling
16:13Basin, yet that consarned
16:15Senate gets their ways
16:16again.
16:17Oh, and George Christensen.
16:19Shoot, when they made him,
16:20they scraped off the mold.
16:25But it's like that old song
16:28goes.
16:29Ain't no snowy mountain
16:30high enough.
16:31Ain't no reputation low
16:33enough.
16:33Ain't no Murray River wide
16:35enough, especially down
16:36South Australia, Wayne,
16:38where it's barely a stream
16:40from a coyote's pizzle.
16:42And sautier than Barnaby's
16:44language at a country
16:45women's association
16:46keg-sucking-cheese
16:47night back in the day.
16:51Thank you, Cookie.
16:55Life, though, has a way
16:56of providing harmony.
16:57When Barnaby goes out your
16:58door, someone else comes
16:59through the window.
17:00After a...
17:02After a period of lying
17:06dormant, Clive Palmer's
17:08signature project is about
17:10to be relaunched.
17:11No, not the Townsville
17:12Nickel Refinery or the
17:13Replica Titanic or even
17:15his dinosaur theme park
17:16in Coolum.
17:17I'm talking about the
17:18Palmer United Party,
17:19the party that gave us
17:21Dio Wang before we gave
17:24him back.
17:25Chief political correspondent,
17:27Lois Price, is in the
17:28Mad Ads helicopter.
17:29Lois, Mr Palmer says
17:30they're going to contest
17:31every lower house seat.
17:32Yeah, that's right,
17:33Sean.
17:34From my position high in
17:35the sky, Mr Palmer will
17:36now need to find 150
17:38people willing to represent
17:40Palmer United, at least
17:41until they're elected and
17:42then defect to form their
17:43own lunatic fringe party.
17:45How do you think they'll
17:46go fighting suitable
17:47candidates?
17:48Well, we're a relatively
17:49small population, Sean,
17:50and given that we've
17:51already got One Nation,
17:52the Australian Conservatives
17:53and the Jackie Lambie
17:54Network, I just don't know
17:55if we've got the
17:56infrastructure of enough
17:57nut boxes to support it.
17:58Dreams, gambling,
17:59six-block, toilet backing up,
18:01four.
18:02Call Dr Poop.
18:03Dr Poop's drain cameras
18:04provide you with video
18:05evidence of how your bodily
18:06filth is overwhelming your
18:08own sewer system.
18:09Mention this report to get
18:10your video complete with
18:11musical score.
18:12I'm Lois Price for
18:13Mad as Hell.
18:14Thank you, Lois.
18:15Lois Price there for Dr Poop.
18:20Now, sorry, bitch, you
18:21were saying?
18:22Oh, three.
18:24No, it didn't work.
18:25Still to come later in the week.
18:41Well, it's taken us an hour,
18:43but I think we have it.
18:45No one can be a federal
18:46member of Parliament if they're
18:48entitled to the privileges and
18:50rights of a subject of a
18:52foreign power.
18:53There's a time for nation
18:54building.
18:56Wouldn't that be everybody?
19:00What?
19:02And a time for regulating
19:04the nation building industry.
19:06Mark my words, Miss Cindy,
19:08those founding fathers of ours
19:09will rue the day they didn't
19:11allow women a say in drafting
19:12the Constitution.
19:13And Aboriginal and Torres
19:15Strait Islanders.
19:16Shall I get the door?
19:19Yes, please.
19:20And a fair go for everyone,
19:22regardless of gender
19:23diversity, race or the
19:24colour and disability of your
19:25god.
19:26More non-pasteurised milk,
19:28Sir Edmund Barton?
19:29Too right, Lady Caroline.
19:30Much healthier than these
19:31unlit cigars we're all
19:33smoking.
19:33Yes, smoking is bad for you.
19:37What's that you're saying,
19:38Sir Samuel Griffith?
19:39I'm saying, wouldn't this
19:40dual citizenship provision of
19:42yours exclude everybody in
19:43Australia, given that
19:44Australia at the moment isn't
19:46an independent country and
19:47doesn't have citizens?
19:48Well, obviously, Section 44
19:50isn't supposed to include
19:51the British.
19:52This is just to stop the
19:53Chinese from taking over
19:54after the Convention of
19:55Nanking in 1842 and the
19:57Treaty of Peking in 1860.
19:58But what about when
19:59Australia does become
20:01independent and have its
20:02own citizens?
20:02Won't that mean those
20:04countries automatically
20:05become foreign?
20:07Lady Caroline, a woman is
20:09right.
20:09Make no mistake about it.
20:11Look, we'll all be
20:12swearing allegiance to the
20:13Queen, regardless of what
20:14Commonwealth country we
20:15come from.
20:15So what fucking difference
20:16does it make?
20:18We're done.
20:19Birth of our nationhood,
20:21coming soon to ABC and
20:23Ivy.
20:24More milk, everybody.
20:26Whee!
20:30This just in, some late
20:31breaking news and we cross to
20:33Peter Hitchener in the
20:34Channel 9 studios for this
20:35exclusive.
20:36Fidget spinners are all the
20:37rage among children, but
20:39six-year-old Axel has shown
20:41the world in the world, he too
20:42can give the toys a fair
20:43whirl.
20:45Thanks, Peter.
20:46And we'll cross back to
20:47Peter for updates as that
20:48story develops.
20:50Well, corruption eats at the
20:52heart of democracy.
20:53A powerful image if we picture
20:54democracy to be human, but not
20:56if we imagine it to be a
20:57banana fish or a sea sponge
20:58whose bodies don't have
20:59hearts.
21:01Either way, according to the
21:02notoriously unreliable ABC News
21:04Online, a recent report from
21:05Transparency International says
21:07Australia has slipped in the
21:09corruption index.
21:10Now, whether that's our fault
21:11because we didn't wipe it up
21:12is a question I put to
21:14Assistant Commissioner
21:15Against Corruption, Black
21:16Contortion, just now.
21:17Yeah, our bad, Sean.
21:19We just didn't put a strong
21:20bid into these rankings.
21:21After our previous experience
21:23stuffing 50 million to the
21:24World Cup, well, no-one was
21:26looking, plus kickbacks, plus
21:27bribes, where we ended up
21:28with nothing to show for it,
21:29we just sent him a gift box
21:31with a few grand and some
21:32mangoes.
21:33You're clearly not enough
21:34and I think they're trying to
21:35send us a message with this
21:36ranking drop.
21:37Well, we're now 13th least
21:39corrupt nation and New
21:41Zealand's number one.
21:41Are we getting more corrupt
21:43or is New Zealand just getting
21:44more cleaner?
21:45Sean, Sean, Sean.
21:48New Zealand getting more
21:50cleaner.
21:50You want to know how New
21:51Zealand tops the list all of
21:52a sudden?
21:53Sure.
21:56Where do you think they put
21:57all the money they saved by
21:58not paying for a real
21:59military or fixing their
22:00national speech impediment or
22:02teaching their birds to fly?
22:04Are you saying the organisation
22:06that makes this list,
22:08Transparency International,
22:09is itself corrupt?
22:10Oh, yeah.
22:11You can see right through that
22:13lot.
22:13Well, everyone knows that political
22:19correctness is bad.
22:21We love to listen to, watch and
22:22vote for people who say divisive,
22:24ignorant things.
22:25But I wonder if Tony Abbott was
22:27right.
22:28Not about his decision to pose for
22:29this photograph.
22:32About his contention that a vote for
22:34same-sex marriage was a vote for
22:36political correctness.
22:36Because it's almost at the stage now
22:38where people are hesitant to speak
22:40their mind.
22:40There will be, inevitably,
22:43there will be, well, there will be
22:44changes to ministerial arrangements.
22:47Well, look, there are, you probably
22:49can't really, you can't really rank
22:51them.
22:51You know, we're not, we're not
22:53seeking to, um, uh, exact, I don't
22:57want to, you know, no one, no one.
22:59Uh, there's, that has not been, one
23:02hasn't been, there hasn't been an
23:04ICAC set up federally.
23:07Is it any wonder our National Broadband
23:09Network is the way it is?
23:10Well, Mr Broadband himself rebuffers
23:12every couple of seconds.
23:20Mind you, mind you, there are some
23:22politicians who are very good on
23:23their feet and they can shoot from
23:26the hip with an almost effortless
23:27eloquence.
23:28For example, here's Bill Shorten on
23:30enterprise bargaining.
23:31But now, the game of snakes and
23:34ladders is just simply a game of
23:35snakes for workers.
23:40Yeah.
23:46Enterprise bargaining is like snakes
23:47and ladders without the ladders is
23:48probably how he should have said it.
23:50But it's still a good zinger by any
23:52standard.
23:53Saying something is like something is
23:54good political rhetoric.
23:56Bill's deputy, Tanya Plibersek, has, I
23:58suspect, been learning from Bill.
23:59Would you like to hear a zinger from
24:00Tanya Plibersek?
24:02Okay.
24:03Okay.
24:04Okay.
24:04Well, here she is laying into the Great
24:06Barrier Reef.
24:07Her delivery's not quite as polished as
24:09Bill's, but I think you'll agree it'll be a
24:11long time before the Great Barrier Reef
24:12recovers from this on.
24:14Check it out.
24:15We've got, you know, the beautiful Great
24:17Barrier Reef, one of our, you know, just an
24:22exquisite, natural, beautiful piece of
24:31Australian nature.
24:32Uh, sorry, sorry, but we have to cross to some
24:39astonishing scenes unfolding courtesy of
24:41Channel 9.
24:47Incredible.
24:49Uh, Julian.
24:50Oh, he's gone.
24:51Um, uh, cut to something else.
24:54Probably won't, probably won't act, probably
24:56quite jarring.
24:57I'm Pasquale Della Bosca, comedian, stand-up
25:03comic and professional funny man.
25:06And I love opening doors.
25:09The only problem is, I don't know whether to
25:11push or pull.
25:12Even the simplest door I find difficult to
25:15master.
25:16That's why I'm heading into the workshops of
25:19Australia's top carpenters.
25:20And they're going to share their tricks of the
25:23trade.
25:24Doesn't matter if you're walking out of one
25:26door or in through another, that you're leaving
25:28somewhere or entering somewhere else.
25:31You'll be doing either or both in no time.
25:34Join me on Pasquale Della Bosca opens a door.
25:40Welcome back.
25:41And now a special report prepared especially for
25:43the ABC's much coveted and non-existent youth
25:46demographic.
25:47Accordingly, I'll be stepping aside from throwing
25:49to the report and instead handing over the reins
25:51to Pinterest mood board compiler for Triple J's hack,
25:54spec fill of all.
25:57Yeah, thank.
25:59Bitcoin.
26:00A lot of us are like, what?
26:03But it looks totes like the Fuge.
26:06But what do we reckon?
26:08Check it.
26:08Trap banking with fucking fees and shit is over.
26:15And even though I was like a total zygote when the GFC got
26:18owned by Wall Street, my olds are still going, oh,
26:23super's all small now.
26:24Whatever happened, it was dark.
26:27Bitcoin's supposed to be the resurrection stone for
26:30alt banking or buying shit on your phone or whatever, right?
26:33I spoke to a nerd.
26:35Now?
26:36Yeah.
26:36Oh, yes.
26:37Well, mine on Bitcoin is a bit like playing a giant
26:40pokey machine in that as my legion of routers in Iceland
26:44hash after the elusive 10-minutely released nonces
26:47using seemingly endless permutations of the 64-digit
26:51hexadecimal password, they are effectively building
26:54and securitising a decentralised peer-to-peer network
26:57of hard drives that support the blockchain or distributed ledger.
27:02You know why it's...
27:03The nerd went on this geek-speak mono for like a total hour
27:06and it was really hard not to look at my phone.
27:09In the end, I just asked this old yoga guy I go to for my call
27:13who reckons he was a share trader or something.
27:15I get this real creepy vibe of him,
27:18so I took this Fairfax journo friend of mine along
27:21just in case he went the full perv on me.
27:23Of course, anyone can create their own cryptocurrency.
27:26As well as Bitcoin, we already have Ethereum, Zcash, Dash,
27:30Monero and Ripple.
27:32Let's say, for the sake of argument,
27:34that we agree to cut my unitard up into small strips
27:39in exchange for certain services.
27:43Fiend pepper sprayed?
27:44Because it is a store of value,
27:46a medium of exchange and a unit of account,
27:48it has become a currency.
27:50Let me show you what I mean.
27:54Bitcoin's been getting some hate on feed.
27:56Everyone's like, oh, it's a total bubble
27:58or don't do it or you're fucked or whatever.
28:00But no, that's how you chop it up.
28:02The straight banks are shitting themselves.
28:04Combank, Bart are totally into it.
28:06Combank were way ahead of the curve on this one.
28:08Silk Road, Dark Web, Tor, credit card dumps.
28:11And the thing that sold it to the suits up top
28:12was that because CryptoSea isn't a financial product,
28:16ASIC can't fucking touch us.
28:18So we're going the full perv and developing our own.
28:20Non-existium.
28:21It's perfect for Combank customers
28:23that want to deal in arms, drugs,
28:25human trafficking, American Netflix.
28:27Plus, if we want to hack a few bills
28:29out of their cyber wallets
28:30and pay ourselves some much-deserved bonuses
28:31for the fiscal week,
28:32who are they going to complain to?
28:34It's win-win.
28:35What about Satoshi Okamoto?
28:37The guy they say started it all.
28:39The guy who no-one knows who he is.
28:41Who nobody gets the identity of.
28:42That people can't point to and tell you,
28:44yeah, that's him, that's the guy.
28:47What about him?
28:47When this thing goes belly up,
28:49they're going to want to know.
28:50Ask a cop.
28:51Fucking cops.
28:54The greatest trick the devil ever pulled
29:20was convincing the world he didn't exist.
29:30Well, not coming up,
29:31because Squinters is on in a minute.
29:33Car crashes into cemetery.
29:35Bodies everywhere.
29:37Why Hollywood won't cast Marlon Brando anymore?
29:41And President Trump can't count.
29:43Four magnificent words.
29:46Made in the USA.
29:52Finally, spare a thought for our Governor-General,
29:54Sir Peter Cosgrove.
29:55So sick to death is he
29:57of the lazy Susan of ministers
29:58he had to swear in of late
29:59because someone was a dual citizen
30:01or someone's been posted overseas
30:03or someone needed a promotion to shut them up
30:05that he couldn't be arsed
30:07turning up for Michael McCormick swearing in
30:09and got the lady from next door to do it instead.
30:13Goodbye.
30:13APPLAUSE
30:14John, baby.
30:16John, baby.