- 1 year ago
Original Broadcast Date: August 2nd 2017
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01Good morning.
00:02Good morning, sir.
00:03Good morning. Is this the ISIS recruitment centre?
00:05Yes, indeed it is, sir.
00:06Are you interested in joining, aren't you, sir?
00:08Oh, very much so.
00:09I've been disaffected with the West for some time now,
00:11so the prospect of restoring the caliphate
00:14and purging the world of apostasy
00:16appeals to me enormously.
00:17Very well, sir.
00:18You wouldn't mind filling in this form.
00:20And may I ask where you were radicalised, sir?
00:22On the internet?
00:23Yes.
00:24It looks very exciting.
00:25Rightily, if you wouldn't mind, sir.
00:26And have you read the Koran, sir, may I ask?
00:29Not as such. Does it help?
00:31Well, it helps to read bits of it, I suppose.
00:33It depends on what you want to do.
00:35Oh, I want to be a martyr.
00:37Well, that's not bad, sir.
00:38If you wouldn't mind ticking that box there.
00:40And I think we have a suicide vest in your size
00:42that's just come in, sir.
00:44Yes, I've heard a lot of good things about martyrdom,
00:46particularly the part about going to paradise
00:48with 72 virgins.
00:50Yes, that's what they say, sir.
00:52Tell me, where do the virgins come from?
00:55How do you mean, sir?
00:56Well, if they're already waiting for me in paradise,
00:58presumably they've died at some point.
01:00I was just wondering what sort of state they're in.
01:03Well, I imagine they're very attractive, sir.
01:05Hmm.
01:0672, sounds like a handful.
01:08Well, you're up there for eternity, sir.
01:09You might be grateful for a bit of variety.
01:11Oh, but...
01:13But if they are all virgins,
01:15it's not as if they'd know anything.
01:18Well, I think, sir, their lack of experience with men
01:21might stand you in good stead.
01:22They wouldn't be aware of just how inadequate you are in the sack.
01:28Good point.
01:29How do I look?
01:30Um, well, there's a mirror in the change room, sir.
01:32Ah.
01:33And don't forget, it's our summer sale,
01:34so it's 20% off.
01:35Ooh.
01:41And how are we going in there, sir?
01:42Er, I'll take it.
01:43Oh, all right, good.
01:44Um, pay wave, all right, sir?
01:46Er, yes, yes.
01:48MUSIC PLAYS
01:51MUSIC PLAYS
01:56MUSIC PLAYS
02:02MUSIC PLAYS
02:22Now, usually, we make fun of our politicians here on Mad As Hell.
02:26It's done with affection and love,
02:28much in the way that us Aussies have always done
02:30when we laugh at the less fortunate.
02:32It's a big part of what we imagine to be our larrikin charm
02:36and why we think people overseas like us.
02:38But looking at our pollies this week,
02:41I just don't think it's the right time
02:43to be making jokes at their expense.
02:46So, no material tonight.
02:52See, now, I'm torn because, on the one hand,
02:54the crowd clearly want to,
02:57but on the other hand, I feel almost sorry for them.
03:00And I'll tell you the one I feel almost sorry for the most
03:02is Peter Dutton.
03:03You know, he gets his new super-ministry
03:07and a chance to announce himself to the world.
03:11You know, it's a great time for him
03:16that the press are seeing the praises
03:19of his immigration department
03:21and hailing Operation Sovereign Borders
03:24as an outstanding success.
03:25Mind you, this was mainly in this article
03:27written by Peter himself.
03:28But just when Pete, or Pee Dutty,
03:32as he likes to be called,
03:34and the rest of us can sleep at night
03:35because our politicians have stopped foreigners
03:37coming into our country,
03:39they turn out to be getting in anyway
03:40in the form of our politicians.
03:42Ex-Senator Scott Ludlam, we know,
03:44is New Zealander.
03:45Ex-Senator Larissa Waters is Canadian.
03:47Foreign, even though we share many of the same values
03:50and the same, also foreign, head of state.
03:53But ex-Resources Minister Matt Canavan is Italian
03:56and that is really foreign.
03:58And they were in our midst
04:00and not only didn't we know it,
04:02even they didn't know it.
04:03And there have been more since.
04:05Now, I know many of you are shocked by this.
04:07You're thinking, oh, they seem just like us
04:09and now they turn out to be more like
04:10those children in Village of the Damned.
04:14But I ask you,
04:15does Senator Malcolm Roberts
04:16look like one of the children
04:18from Village of the Damned?
04:19A bit, sure.
04:25But the more important question is,
04:27was he a British citizen
04:29when he nominated as a One Nation candidate?
04:32Is Liberal MP Julia Banks Greek?
04:35Is Malcolm Roberts Indian?
04:37Is Labour MP Justine Kay a UK citizen?
04:40Is Malcolm Roberts Welsh?
04:42Now, according to Malcolm,
04:44as at October last year,
04:46he never held any citizenship
04:47other than Australian,
04:49making him,
04:50until he became an Australian citizen
04:51in 1974, stateless.
04:53Like a Rohingyan.
04:54Frankly, I'm surprised
04:55we let him into the country.
04:57Now, according to the Australian, however,
04:59he was a British national
05:00until December of last year.
05:02That's two months after his tweet
05:04and six months after the election.
05:06Still, as I say,
05:07that's according to the Australian
05:08and who knows what it means
05:09to be Australian anymore.
05:11So, how do we reconcile
05:13these two things?
05:14Being a British national
05:15until December last year
05:16on the one hand
05:17and never having had
05:18any other citizenship
05:19apart from Australian
05:20on the other.
05:21Well, according to Senator Roberts'
05:22official spokesperson,
05:24Malcolm was choosing to believe
05:26he was never British.
05:30Spokesperson for Malcolm Roberts,
05:31spokesperson Cindy Goheile.
05:32That's a very solipsistic way
05:34of looking at life, isn't it?
05:42Do I talk into this?
05:44Or is it more Cartesian?
05:46I think I am not British,
05:47therefore I am not.
05:48No, it's a couch!
05:55Thank you, Cindy.
05:58So, in what can loosely be referred to
06:00as Senator Roberts' mind,
06:01nothing has happened
06:02unless he chooses to believe it has,
06:04which is actually good news
06:05for the rest of us
06:06because Malcolm, as you know,
06:07is the biggest climate change sceptic
06:09in the Parliament.
06:10So, it logically follows
06:11that if Malcolm doesn't believe
06:13in climate change,
06:14then there is no climate change
06:15and we've nothing to worry about.
06:16Nevertheless, the question
06:19of whether he is eligible to...
06:20Eligible.
06:23Nevertheless, the question
06:25of whether he is eligible
06:26to sit in the Senate
06:27is going to the High Court,
06:28but Malcolm is not worried.
06:30He says that he's very confident
06:31and has received legal advice
06:33to that same effect.
06:34But, of course, we can't tell
06:36whether he's actually received
06:37legal advice
06:37or whether he's just chosen
06:38to believe he has.
06:40And what if he's wrong?
06:41What if he's not eligible
06:42to represent even Queensland
06:44in the Senate
06:45and has to go back to,
06:46whatever mid-witch cuckoo eggy
06:47hatched from?
06:49Who replaces him, Cindy?
06:51Sleep.
06:52Sleep.
06:56Perhaps as One Nation strategist,
06:58I can answer that, Sean.
07:02Malcolm will simply be replaced
07:03by the next candidate
07:04in the original One Nation ticket
07:06from the 2016 election,
07:08Fraser Anning.
07:08Yes, but Fraser Anning
07:09is facing bankruptcy proceedings
07:11and may not be eligible either.
07:13Then we'll just go
07:14to the next person
07:14on the ticket.
07:17Pauline Hanson's sister.
07:19Oh, God.
07:20And where is she?
07:21She's in this basket.
07:26Patience, my pretty.
07:28No, no, I mean,
07:29where is she on the Senate ticket?
07:31Oh, I see.
07:33Fifth, I think.
07:34Why?
07:34Well, because Malcolm Roberts
07:36managed to get in
07:37on just 77 personal votes
07:38and I'm just wondering
07:39how many or how few
07:41did Pauline Hanson's sister get
07:43given that she may well
07:43be representing an entire state?
07:45Oh, well, I don't have
07:46the exact figures, Sean,
07:47but I can give you
07:48a round number.
07:54Is the number nought?
07:55Probably.
07:59You'd have to ask
08:00her press secretary
08:01to release
08:02the figures!
08:04Oh, if you are so fine,
08:08you're so fine,
08:09you're going to
08:09hit me, hit me, hit me.
08:12No comment.
08:14Oh, if you want to
08:15get it, you don't understand.
08:17You take it out of all,
08:18if you take it out of everything.
08:20Oh, if you are so pretty,
08:22can't you understand?
08:23But not everyone
08:26is in the same boat
08:27as One Nation
08:28and according to our
08:28Attorney-General,
08:29Liberal National Senator
08:30Canavan's position
08:31is different again
08:32to the Green Senators.
08:33It is the government's
08:34preliminary view
08:35that because the registration
08:37was obtained
08:38without Senator Canavan's
08:40knowledge or consent,
08:42that he is not in breach
08:44of Section 44
08:45of the Constitution.
08:47Whereas, of course,
08:48Senator Waters,
08:49at the age of 11 months,
08:50presumably while lying
08:51on a change table,
08:52gave explicit written
08:53consent to retain
08:54her Canadian citizenship.
08:56It's interesting, though,
08:57isn't it?
08:57Senator Canavan says...
08:58I've never been to Italy.
09:00But tell me,
09:01doesn't this look
09:02a bit suspicious?
09:08The big question
09:09in Matt's case, though,
09:10is why they've given
09:11Mr Canavan's resources
09:12portfolio to someone
09:14of limited resources.
09:17Surely there's a more
09:18obvious ministerial choice.
09:19But in Barnaby's defence,
09:25he has defended
09:25not only Matt
09:26by pointing out
09:27how ludicrous
09:28this whole dual
09:28citizenship thing is,
09:30but also himself.
09:31My grandmother
09:31is English.
09:32I'm working on the
09:33presumption I'm not English.
09:34I've never been to England.
09:36Which might come
09:37as a bit of a surprise
09:38to the hundreds
09:39of Australians
09:39who watch ABC News
09:40Breakfast,
09:41who just a few weeks ago
09:42had to sit through
09:43Barnaby trying to
09:45stream together a sentence
09:46about his taxpayer-funded
09:47trade mission
09:48in an interview
09:48apparently live from London.
09:51Now, later on,
09:52Barnaby tweeted
09:52a correction
09:53that he had, in fact,
09:54been to England
09:55but hadn't signed up
09:57to become a citizen
09:58while he was over there.
09:59But I remain unconvinced.
10:01I think, like the moon landing,
10:039-11,
10:03and Karl Stefanovic's
10:04gold Logie win,
10:06this has been faked
10:07using green screen
10:08special effects.
10:10Still, I think the important
10:11thing to remember here
10:12is that regardless
10:12of how foreign they are
10:14and therefore how unfit
10:15they are to represent
10:15us in Parliament,
10:16they are also Australian
10:18and, like all Australians,
10:20want to know
10:20who we can blame.
10:24Now, unlike Matt,
10:25I'm not blaming his mother
10:26for him being Italian.
10:28I mean, yes,
10:28she joined him up
10:29when he was 25
10:30and he's been receiving
10:31his Italian election
10:32postal ballot papers
10:33at her home ever since.
10:35But Matt didn't know
10:36anything about them
10:36and hasn't been
10:37filling them in,
10:38although if someone
10:38has been filling them in
10:39and sending them back,
10:40then it is possible
10:41that there are some
10:42Italian parliamentarians
10:44who are ineligible
10:44to sit there as well.
10:46The Italian government
10:48might well be
10:48on the verge of collapse
10:49and there hasn't been
10:51talk of that
10:51for a couple of weeks now.
10:54Nor am I blaming,
10:55as I'm sure many of you are,
10:56the Governor-General
10:57Sir Peter Cosgrove.
10:58You may think
10:59he's the serial offender
11:00swearing in all these
11:01charlatans.
11:02Look at him.
11:03Oh, yeah, yeah,
11:04he's all smiles there
11:05thinking, oh,
11:05it's freaking hysterical.
11:06He's sworn in yet
11:07another illegitimate
11:08member of Parliament.
11:09I haven't undertaken
11:12any background checks
11:13on your citizenship either.
11:14Ha, he appears
11:15to be thinking.
11:17Meanwhile, overseeing
11:18the sham in the background
11:19is our dear leader
11:20stuck behind a podium
11:21looking like Brian
11:22Nankervis from Rockwiz.
11:25Now, you might be
11:26very well thinking that,
11:27but no,
11:28no, you'd be wrong.
11:30Who here thinks
11:31it might be
11:31the Australian
11:32Electoral Commission?
11:34Yeah, interesting.
11:36AEC officer
11:37Elevantitis.
11:38Why doesn't the AEC
11:39check on the eligibility
11:40of candidates
11:41instead of just assuming
11:42everything they put
11:43on the form is accurate?
11:45Oh, what?
11:45You expect us to be able
11:46to Google something
11:47on the internet?
11:49You might not have
11:50noticed, Sean,
11:51but we conduct elections
11:52in this country
11:53using pencils,
11:54paper and cardboard boxes.
11:57Yeah, why is that?
11:59Look, I don't know.
12:00Sean, I've been on
12:01at the minute
12:02to at least use
12:02biros,
12:03but apparently
12:04even that's too advanced
12:05for anyone here
12:05to get their head around.
12:07I mean,
12:07our main guard
12:08against electoral fraud
12:09is still getting
12:10some old nana
12:11running a ruler
12:11down the page
12:12to find your name
12:13and say,
12:13have you already
12:14voted today?
12:15Let's face it, Sean,
12:17you don't have to be
12:17a criminal mastermind
12:18to work your way
12:19around that one.
12:21All right,
12:22incidentally, Ella,
12:23can I ask you
12:23this technical question?
12:24Larissa Waters
12:25was the first MP
12:26to breastfeed a child
12:27in federal parliament.
12:28Should she have
12:28to give that title back?
12:30Yes.
12:31Yes, she can now
12:32only claim to be
12:33the first improperly
12:35elected MP
12:35to breastfeed a child
12:36in parliament.
12:38Yes.
12:38Well, thank you very much,
12:39Ella.
12:40No, the cause of all this
12:41can be sheeted home
12:42to these idiots here
12:44who thought it was
12:45a good idea
12:46to come up with
12:46Section 44
12:48of the Constitution.
12:50No one would have
12:51believed
12:51in the first year
12:52of the 20th century
12:53that our forefathers
12:55had sowed the seeds
12:56of the demise
12:56of our democracy.
12:57And even leaving aside
12:59all this who-is-what
13:00dual-nationality palaver,
13:02or, in Julia Banks' case,
13:03Baklava,
13:04look at some of the
13:06other perfectly good
13:07MPs we've lost
13:08or may never have
13:09because of this
13:10same section.
13:11One Nation Senator
13:12Rod Culleton,
13:13just because of
13:14a stealing conviction.
13:16Family first Senator
13:17Bob Day,
13:17because he received
13:18an indirect pecuniary
13:19interest from the
13:20Commonwealth.
13:21Similarly,
13:22Andrew Bartlett,
13:22former Democrats' leader,
13:23set to assume
13:24former Green Senator
13:25Larissa Waters' duties,
13:26although not all of them,
13:28obviously,
13:28might not be eligible
13:30because he was being
13:31paid for lecturing
13:32at the ANU.
13:33Ditto Deputy Health
13:34Minister Dr David Gillespie
13:36for income derived
13:37from subletting a shop
13:39in a strip mall
13:39he owns
13:40to Australia Post.
13:42And it's the
13:42House of Reps MPs
13:44that are important.
13:45The Australian Senate
13:45is a bit like
13:46a PEZ dispenser.
13:47As soon as one
13:48gets ejected,
13:49there's another one
13:50lined up behind it
13:51ready to take its place.
13:52But in the House of Reps,
13:53the Coalition's
13:54only got one seat
13:55as its majority.
13:56So, if they lose,
13:57someone like, say,
13:58David,
13:59then there'll be
13:59a by-election
14:00and Labor might get in.
14:03ABC Paralegal
14:04on Thursday's
14:05Katie Dumpf,
14:06could you explain
14:06in Lady Man's terms
14:07how something like
14:08this could happen?
14:09OK.
14:09Well, because law, Sean.
14:11Mm.
14:12I see.
14:12That'll be $1,250.
14:16And coming up
14:17later in the show,
14:18I interview a spokesperson
14:19for Dr Gillespie
14:20while painting his portrait.
14:21And because
14:23Australia Post
14:24is a federal government-owned
14:26corporation,
14:27any rent paid to David
14:28is an indirect financial benefit
14:30contrary to the Constitution.
14:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:32Wow.
14:35And that means
14:36that he is ineligible
14:38to run for Parliament.
14:39He may lose the seat
14:40he's held since 2013.
14:42It will trigger
14:43a by-election
14:44and the government
14:44stands to lose
14:45its one-seat majority.
14:47OK.
14:47Now, you ready?
14:48Yes.
14:48All right.
14:49Close your eyes.
14:51What do you think?
14:56Actually,
14:56I just thought of something.
14:58Zippy Farty,
14:59you're the Australian Post
14:59franchisee
15:00in Dr Gillespie's strip mall
15:02and you're selling the business
15:03as I understand it
15:04from this news graphic?
15:05I am, Sean.
15:06Business has been pretty bad
15:07ever since we moved in
15:08and the rent's killing me.
15:09Terrible location
15:10and this publicity
15:11is not helping.
15:12Thanks, Zippy.
15:12A spokesperson for Dr Gillespie,
15:14would Dr Gillespie
15:15consider buying
15:16the Australian Post business?
15:17I don't think so.
15:18It's running at a loss.
15:19Yes, I appreciate that.
15:20What I'm thinking is
15:20if it's running at a loss
15:22and Dr Gillespie's
15:23losing money directly from it,
15:24he can't also be seen
15:25as receiving
15:25an indirect financial benefit
15:27from it.
15:28You might have a point there.
15:31Except that the purchase
15:32wouldn't be retrospective
15:33and applied back
15:34when Dr Gillespie
15:35ran for the seat in 2013.
15:37Oh, poo.
15:38That'd be another $1,250.
15:41Petty.
15:41Yeah.
15:42It's a great idea, though.
15:43That would have really
15:44got David out of a hole.
15:45I bet you wish
15:46you could go back
15:47and do things differently.
15:48Yeah.
15:49It should look like
15:49that's all right.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Can I buy your post office?
16:22Too late.
16:22I just bought it.
16:23Oh, uh, just this Andre Ria CD then, thanks.
16:33Still to come later in the week.
16:36Monday on Q&A, join internet fan Craig Dud, pizza deliverist June Bashar Ul Haq, floor sander
16:42Neil M. Poust, fruit compote expert Robin Death, forensic pathologist Jazz Wool and former
16:48flute student Bruno Pollop.
16:50Not sure who our panellists will be but that's our audience so far, that's Q&A Monday 9.30.
16:55The murder of a local plastic extruder has DCI clump baffled.
17:01I'll need to ask you some questions at the station, Mrs. Geyser.
17:04And Father Brown is no wiser.
17:06Yes, I'll need to do that too.
17:09Nor is Grant Chester's vicar, Sydney Chambers.
17:12I have three or four questions too, Mrs. Geyser.
17:14Or spinster, Miss Marple.
17:16Yes, I have one or two questions as well.
17:18Or magician, Jonathan Creek.
17:20I have several questions I'd like answers to.
17:22Or Hettie Wainthrop from Hettie Wainthrop Investigates.
17:25I'd be very interested to ask a few questions of my own.
17:30Fuck off the lot of you.
17:32There's a police line back there, fucking get behind it.
17:35Go on.
17:36Actual Detective, Friday 8.30.
17:39Scooby Dooley.
17:40You can fuck off too.
17:42You can fuck off too.
17:43You.
17:44You.
17:45You.
17:46You.
17:47You.
17:48You.
17:49You.
17:50You.
17:51You.
17:52You.
17:53You.
17:54You.
17:55You.
17:56Now, whenever I come across an important story on a commercial news bulletin that doesn't
18:01get a mention on the ABC or SBS news, I'm immediately suspicious that it's because the story doesn't
18:06fit some PC narrative that these government-funded bandwidth guzzling gluttons like to run.
18:11Like this.
18:12This cute baby minding his own business had no idea of what was happening behind him.
18:18The lion at a Utah zoo kept clawing at the glass trying to reach the nine-month-old boy.
18:25So kudos to you, Network 7, for tackling the stories that others won't.
18:29And a couple of more kudos for the helpful presentation.
18:33The caption down the bottom explaining in case you can't work out what's happening or understand
18:37the newsreader telling you that the baby doesn't notice the lion, that the baby doesn't
18:41notice the lion.
18:42And in case you've already forgotten what you've just seen or your brain has lost the
18:47process images into information, the animal kept clawing at the glass to get at the boy.
18:53Now, 30 million dollars might seem like nothing to you or me, but that's exactly how much
19:06the federal government is giving to Foxtel to promote women's and other underrepresented sport.
19:11Now, you might think, that sounds a bit odd.
19:14Foxtel is a subscription-based service run by a multinational owned by a billionaire.
19:17Why not provide financial stimulus to a free-to-air public broadcaster whose charter is to present
19:23programs which are underrepresented on commercial television?
19:26Now, I won't name names, but it's not SBS or Channel 31.
19:36Well, I'm sure the minister responsible, Mitch Fifield, has his reasons, though apparently
19:41there isn't any paperwork.
19:43Why is that spokescreen for the minister, Dromella Burt?
19:46Sean, take it from me, Mitch's word is as good as his bond.
19:49Not everything is about contracts and public accountability.
19:52I hope we haven't grown so cynical these days that a handshake, a nod or even a wink has
19:57no place in the world of multi-million dollar transactions.
19:59But given this $30 million is taxpayers' money, shouldn't there be some transparency?
20:05And there is, Sean.
20:06The media went looking for documentation and records, didn't they?
20:08Yes.
20:09And what did they find?
20:10Nothing.
20:11Well, how much more transparent can you get than to look at nothing?
20:12You can see right through it.
20:14Yeah, but why Foxtel?
20:15Why not the ABC?
20:16Sean, have you seen the crap the ABC wastes their money on?
20:19Well, The Bachelor's on, so I usually tape our show.
20:22Well, if Mitch gave the ABC 30 cents, he'd be hauled up before the next Senate Estimates
20:26hearing and be subjected to hours of inarticulate hee-hawing from whatever bag of tongue-chewing
20:31roofs they'd managed to rope together to waste his time, which, frankly, could be better
20:34spent deleting emails complaining about the NBN.
20:37Anywho, this is good for sport and that's what Mitch is all about.
20:40Well, he's Minister for the Arts.
20:41Marginal sports in this country are marginal for a reason, Sean.
20:44No one wants to watch them.
20:45This is a market solution to a market-created problem.
20:48Yeah, yeah, but if this is about making women's sport more accessible, why pay a company
20:52to charge people for seeing it?
20:54Well, if you gave it away for free, no one would want to see it.
20:56You've got to create the illusion of value.
20:58If I dump my old unspeakably stained mattress on the nature strip outside my house, no one's
21:03going to be interested in it.
21:04But if I put a flounce on it, stick a picture of it up on Gumtree with a price next to it,
21:08some idiot's bound to put in a bid.
21:10Yeah, but the ABC's core demographic are almost entirely idiots.
21:13Well, no one's arguing with you on that, Sean, but look what the ABC did with the Liverpool-Sidney
21:18FC match.
21:19You took one of the most popular sports in the world and made it almost as unwatchable as your
21:22Tonight Show.
21:23How much for the mattress, by the way?
21:26A thousand bucks.
21:27Done.
21:28Now, we were talking about our deputy PM earlier in the show, and not only has he been weighing
21:35in on dual nationality and been taking on Matt Canavan's resources portfolio, he's also found
21:40time for his part-time job as a TV critic.
21:43And he's been scathing in his review of last week's Four Corners report on water theft in
21:48the Murray-Darling Downs, dismissing it as a ploy to strip more water off rural communities.
21:53It's just typical of the ABC.
21:55If they're not converting you to Islam or telling you the earth is round, they're causing
21:59droughts in regional Australia.
22:01I'm glad someone's finally got the guts to stand up and say it.
22:04You never hear this sort of thing from the Environment Minister, probably because water's
22:08not part of his portfolio anymore.
22:10It became part of agriculture, according to Barnaby, so the nationals can look after the
22:14farmers and make sure we don't have the greenies running the show.
22:19He says, what's water for if not agriculture up north?
22:22For South Australians to drink and bathe in?
22:24To waste on some La-Di-Dar ecosystem?
22:29That's crazy to all, forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.
22:32Yet still, there are calls that Barnaby be relieved of his water resources portfolio after
22:38he downplayed the theft of the billions of litres of water, comparing it to cattle rustling.
22:43Pokemon for Barnaby Joyce cookie, is the comparison an accurate one?
22:48Sure is Sean, billions of litres of water get separated from the herd and mosey on into
22:55someone else's land for your huge pipe sheet, and the farmers figure, well I may as well
23:00steal them litres from my own, and brand them with a hot metal thing in the shape of a horseshoe
23:05or some such.
23:06I ain't hurting no one, shoot, plenty of folk up our way, doesn't it?
23:10Alright, well, but isn't that just as illegal?
23:13Eh, you'd best ask the Attorney General that one Sean, uh Barnaby don't go in for much
23:17that they're book-learnin'.
23:18Would Barnaby apply that same sort of logic to his other ministries, resources for example?
23:26Prospecting, eh?
23:27Well, the way I figure it, someone moses onto your claim and starts digging up your minerals
23:34and stealing them while you're out, say, rustling billions of gigalitres of water than possessions
23:39ten-twelfths of the law.
23:40Plus, it's easier for them folks down south to pan for gold if there ain't no river.
23:49Okay.
23:50Uh, what about, uh, what about agriculture?
23:51Well, up our way, if and I was to illegally harvest all your cotton in your North Forty
23:56rice paddy while you were, say, busting up some water meters or diverting a stream into
24:01an unlawful culvert I had dug against the law on Crown land, well, then there ain't much
24:05Barnaby can or will do about it unless it happens inside his electorate.
24:14Well, thank you very much, Cookie.
24:16And later in the program, a fairly special report by Mad as Hell's drug scandals involving
24:21the elderly and rural areas reporter Pansy Galileo looking at elderly people in regional
24:26Australia on selling prescription drugs to help pay their bills.
24:30Pansy, what can we expect?
24:31Oh, I'd rather not say any more, Sean.
24:34I'd rather it be a surprise.
24:36Well, well, Pansy, this is a tease so people will actually stay and watch it.
24:40Oh, oh.
24:41Alright, so we show, we show some footage and you tell us, uh, what sort of story it is.
24:45Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:46I, I got you.
24:47Okay.
24:48Okay, um, well, Sean, um, we have some secret recorded footage of children as young
24:54as 34 who are being used by, uh, prescription drug abusers to pass money to elderly pushers.
25:01Now, as you can see there, in an attempt to escape prosecution, the drug abuser then collects
25:07the drugs separately from the elderly drug law, but in many cases, as happens here, the
25:12child will be forced to retrieve the money from the vulnerable drug queenpin who is then
25:17forced to defend herself with whatever means are available to her.
25:22And I think that's about it.
25:25Yeah.
25:26Oh, there's me.
25:27Hello.
25:28Yes.
25:29Well, thank, thank you, Pansy.
25:30And that, uh, that disturbing footage and more is coming up.
25:33Now, that's all the footage that we have.
25:35Um, so basically I've done the report.
25:38Oh, sorry.
25:40Ah, spoiler alert.
25:41Spoiler alert.
25:42Ha, ha, ha.
25:43Sorry.
25:44That's okay.
25:45Uh.
25:46Oh, sorry, you go on.
25:47Sorry.
25:48Corrupted.
25:49It's all right.
25:50Um.
25:51So, not coming up because...
25:52I just, um...
25:54Utopia is on in a minute.
25:57Super Ministry's Ghostbuster unit arrests suspected poltergeist.
26:02Graham Richardson impresses party faithful at ALP conference.
26:06And energy crisis compromise.
26:09Wind turbines to be operated by coal-fired power plants.
26:13And finally, astronomers are claiming that up to 50% of the atoms within our bodies are
26:18formed beyond the Milky Way.
26:20That means that even if we were born in this country, we are at best on a subatomic level
26:24only half Australian and are all dual citizens.
26:27Who is that?
26:28What's that?
26:29What's that?
26:30What's that?
26:31What's that?
26:32What's that?
26:33What's that?
26:34I'll get it.
26:35Well, done.
26:36Good luck.
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