Taskmaster.S19E04
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30I
00:39Welcome once more to taskmaster
00:42We all know the score five trophy hungry comedians rip open some medieval envelopes and then run around having a breakdown
00:49Which I mark out of five. I'm a dreamer and one day those cowards at Channel 4 will take my squid games
00:57crossover proposal seriously
01:00Regrettably, it's only their careers that are in danger
01:20Next to me a man who wrote under a pseudonym to his local paper saying that he thinks disabled access
01:27Regulations in shops our political correctness gone mad in the Cheshire Gazette. He's dr. Stephen Morris, but we
01:47Okay, I've been working with the National Highways, I know you love driving
01:51I
01:55Thought with some new road signs I still help everyone really this is um, you know, sometimes it's got a lot of flies
02:02See you drive more carefully
02:08This is some quiet zone on the road just
02:11How many of these other we're halfway
02:17Which back to the flies really don't open your windows open your mouth because of the fly
02:21This one's for outside our house. Just drive more carefully
02:33It's a very clever technique of lowering the comedic bar
02:37Solo but just the slightest hint of a joke. Yeah get something. I know what I'm doing
02:44Right, let's crack on with the prize task. Oh boring. Not really
02:49This time the category is the thing that least suits its name if you shout it loudly while we're all looking at it on the screen
02:57Whoa?
02:59Greg we're not running out of ideas. And yes, Greg
03:02You will give five points to the thing you think least suits its name when shouted loudly
03:08Well, we're all looking at it on the screen and that is horn over and out
03:11Right Jason. Well, thank you brought in that doesn't suit its name when it's shouted
03:17So will we show it and have the audience shout it immediately upon its arrival on screen if that's what you'd like
03:23This is your moment. That's what we're gonna do
03:25So this is an album that I brought you by a great wonderful band. Can we throw it up now Alex?
03:32I
03:36Come from Fanny is a tush. It's a bum right but here I've been told it's not
03:42Quite rude. What have you been told it is here? It's a front bum
03:52Oh, I call it that because your mom calls it that
04:02A
04:04Great start. Okay, who's next? It's only Stevie. I suppose the same. We just put it up and everyone shouts it show it show it
04:15Cocking it
04:19Should we discuss this or should we just move on to whoever's got tits
04:24We call this a birdie that's just as weird as sure cock well, let's find out just shout birdie at it for me
04:31I think that's better than a shuttle. I think it is. This is strong. It does not look like a shuttlecock Matthew
04:37I'm gonna shout this because people might mistake it. So what have you brought in Matthew?
04:44Mommy
04:52You've been raiding the old tombs again
04:55Like our forefathers before us
04:58Grab it bring it back to Britain
05:01Elgin mark to Rosie. I have brought with me a liar
05:14Feel like that's not the first time you shouted that
05:18I'm bit frowned by these because normally they all bring such terrible ones in
05:23It's quite good Oh
05:26Fat here
05:27If we do the thing where but you'd like the audience to shout your one, please. Yeah. Okay, so fatty has brought in this
05:35I've brought in a broom because what is a broom like that's a sweeper in it
05:41The name doesn't do what it says like a cooker cooks. What would you call a car?
05:45Are you saying that car should be called a broom because it goes
05:48It's actually called an automobile but we call it car because it's an after Alan car
06:02She had faith in us
06:06A car should be called an automobile. It's called a automobile because it it's mobile, but it's automatically mobile
06:13That's why it's called that what you call a chair
06:16Listen bro, I
06:19Don't know if she's got a point
06:22Absolute madness. I don't
06:24I'm gonna give Fanny one point because I don't mind it. I don't mind it. Okay one point to chase
06:28I mean Matt's very clever because you could shout mummy in such a way that it does suit it
06:32But he shouted it in a sort of wet my pants way
06:37Broom three points and you can thank me for it
06:40Liar what a beautiful instrument that is. So four points to liar five points to shuttlecock
06:51Please young man. Okay. Well, what are your two favorite things Greg mannequins and wetsuits Oh bingo
07:10Oh
07:15Jason Alex, you've got lovely wrists. I'm giving me your wrist. Which one?
07:24It just finishes it off tonight
07:27Thank you
07:29All right. Ready? Yes put the most
07:34wetsuits on
07:35mannequins
07:36The mannequins must be wearing their wetsuits properly
07:40Also, you must tiptoe throughout and put your finger on your lips and say at least once every 20 seconds
07:48You have 15 minutes and you're gonna give me the buzz for that
07:52Yeah, 20 seconds a very small electric shock. Okay, it seems cruel, but okay
08:00That'll buzz every 20 seconds to remind you
08:07Okay, your time starts now tiptoe, please
08:17Game I would say but before we start who would like to see Matthew adopt his tiptoe
08:22I
08:41Am going to start by showing you three people including Matthew trying to put wetsuits on mannequins whilst shushing and those people are
08:48Manzukas El Gory and of course paint
08:51Where are the mannequins please tiptoe, please?
08:55Where are the mannequins
09:09Have you found a wetsuit
09:11I
09:18Why is this locked Alex, do you know where the key to this is? Yeah, can you tell me a normal place?
09:30Here we go with the nonsense, here we go a lot of Kiefer
09:41Oh under doormat, thank you
09:47I'm not gonna get anything done. This has got something to do with it. I'm can hate. Oh
09:56My god, sorry, it's dead
10:11That's crafting materials
10:23Located several mannequins. I'm not certain. I should be whispering
10:29You've got ten minutes to go
10:42Oh, how much time do we have left five minutes 20
11:05It's in it's in it's in we have lifted is it
11:11A
11:16Baby mannequin somewhere. Yeah, maybe come on you little fucker woman at 40
11:24Three seconds left, okay
11:28That's a wetsuit
11:34Please why would I be pleased?
11:37I'm definitely took my finger off my lips. So I like I was you take your finger off your lips
11:43That was part of the task, wasn't it?
11:59That was part of the task, right?
12:01I mean he was so upset. He thought he'd been disqualified because he took it off at one point
12:05Yeah, I've thought about that more than once a day every day
12:11Devastation at the end of both of your scenes was quite similar and yet you increasingly are coming across as a serial killer, you know
12:20Find the child mannequin and within seconds you said come on you little fuck
12:24I
12:26Don't have time to waste
12:28Question is am I gonna allow wet suits you bloody better? I
12:33Will allow wet suit. Thank you. It was because it's a bit of lateral thinking and we've got a reward that heavy be. Thank you
12:43This place is gonna be called Mosque master
12:45From
12:54The chance for you to take a few moments away from the intensity of this competition, I'm not going to tell you how to relax
13:01You do you Alex?
13:16Oh
13:21Mannequins wetsuits and shushing of the name of the game and the names of the people playing the game right now are Stevie and Rosie
13:36All right under the doormat, yeah, you always keep them under the doormat
13:42I
13:54Thought these things were like a legal not on people weirdly just on dogs
14:00I imagine this is what marrying older man's like
14:12I
14:19Need some more wetsuits, you know, how about one that you've gone if you don't mind, I don't want to be awkward or weird
14:36You've got any underwear on that's one. Yeah, sorry. No, that's all right. Thank you
14:41Oh
15:03For this
15:05Oh
15:09You've got could do with putting one on
15:24Thank you, thank you
15:35I thoroughly enjoyed you repeatedly punching a mannequin in the gooch
15:44Mannequins that I found in the bushes were not part of the task. That was like a mannequin graveyard
15:51Yeah, we use mannequins over the years in this and the ones that have been too I guess punched over the years
15:56We just chuck under a tree and we weren't expecting somebody go foraging for mannequin
16:01Under the tree Rosie talk me through the narrative of the way that you look after this old man
16:10Yeah, I named quite a lot of them yeah, it was Eric Eric's brother and their son Shira, yes
16:16So Eric was the old man the older guy you're in a relationship with yeah, and you put his trousers on so violently his arm fell
16:22off
16:24Nerves
16:28Did they do well, yes, Matt nearly sort of three-quarters of one wetsuit onto one mannequin
16:35Patches got a total of one
16:37Jason really went for it and got a total of two and a quarter wetsuits Stevie
16:41You got three and a half Rosie because she used the suits and made them wet for in total
16:46So she gets a full five points
16:55All right, well, it's interesting our winner of the first three episodes is in last place on three points
17:00Whereas Rosie and Stevie are three times of money. They've got nine points each and a joint
17:13There is no task no, there is one really I was lying here we go
17:24Hello
17:30Hello hello, how are you? I'm great. Would you like to after you please? Okay, okay
17:39Convince the other team that the following things are the opposite of what they are
17:43The liquid in the cup is very hot or very cold
17:47The bag is really heavy or really light the paste in the tube is delicious or disgusting
17:54Alex is or isn't behind the curtain two of you have or haven't met the same really famous person
18:02Most deceptive team wins you have a maximum of 20 minutes your time starts
18:09now
18:10Okay, I get this and you're an actor. So you'll be really good at this. So we have to what about me?
18:15Oh, yeah, you'll be fine
18:18Believe us. I mean a we're phenomenal actors
18:25Pretend it's hot. That was very rubbish, bro
18:31Okay
18:33It's empty
18:34Who's the most famous person you've met?
18:36Well, weirdly you were just talking about I know it's here and then you yeah
18:40I just did a thing with a chair and have you not?
18:43Not yet, bro. If they let anyone on this show swear down
18:51Good luck
18:55Let's go
18:58Okay, so one team is going to try to convince the other team that things are not what they are
19:03we're gonna see first of all the team of three trying to convince the team of two that the liquid in the cup is very
19:08Hot or very cold. The bag is really heavy or really light and the paste in the tube is delicious or
19:14disgusting
19:24Oh
19:43That's nice up
19:45Oh
19:51This is so soothing lovely and hot
19:57Okay, interest did you go to Rada
20:03I don't get a BAFTA for this. I swear
20:08Well, there you go, we've never done a live guessing those is interesting this is interesting, okay
20:13I'm gonna go over there. Oh, right. Oh, this is nice. Yeah, I Stevie you could go
20:27Also, let's do this. Yeah
20:29I'm so sorry to interrupt the children's midnight picnic
20:34It's really reason why they can't confer out loud. No, no, no, it would be much easier. All right, but you do whatever you want
20:39Please is cold. Are you whispering? I was
20:44I
20:47Would be nice if we could hear this because it's a telly show
20:55We're giving us this opportunity to do something we've never done before what's gonna happen when we graduate
21:02Oh
21:10So you think you've been Matthews double-bluffing and that it is in fact heavy Matthews is the only one I think I'm not sure about
21:17I feel like it was disgusting for Rosie. I feel like it was cold for fat here. I'm something up
21:33What are your answers cold disgusting heavy, okay. Well, let's see. Here's the truth
21:52What is it vegan man delicious
22:03Oh
22:08You're not gonna see Jason and Stevie either lying or not lying so watch close, okay
22:18We want it as heavy as possible
22:32I made you some tea. Thank you so much. You're so relevant to the task
22:42All right, okay Cheers bottoms up
22:51That's absolutely delicious Oh
23:03I just like to point out that those who have the energy of an educational theater
23:14Team of three, what do you think?
23:15I think it's light and they thought the sound of the pebbles would make us think that they'd kept them in
23:20I think it was really hot
23:22I think it might be a talent that she's got where she's like I can drink really hot stuff
23:26And I think it was hot. I think it was cold like ours because the steam disappeared immediately
23:32A little bit. I think they just did a better job of not having
23:46Like a pollen that had been scared
23:54Sorry the audible ice cubes, I think that that's what got us not your acting
23:59And I think it was delicious but it hit the back of his throat and made him gag
24:05Disgusting our back use whatever you said, I promise I won't kick off
24:10So we're going light hot delicious if you fucking get this wrong
24:19Well, let's see how many of the three you got right, oh no, here we go, okay
24:26Now
24:28We got to empty it so I just want to make sure there will be a cut here, right
24:35Please tell us what was in the cup cold water
24:39What was in the team?
24:41Marmite peanut butter and water and
24:45Gravy pellets this dough Oh
24:48Bisto
24:51Really nice it was fine
24:55Not for her
25:00Well has another part break come along quickly same drill you do what you want me and Alex will do our thing
25:07Welcome back to Taskmaster part three. Good morning, darling. Now, we're going to see
25:27Or not lying about whether they've met the same famous person and whether I'm behind a shower curtain weird
25:33Isn't it? Good luck. Here we go
25:37Welcome Alex horn is behind the curtain
25:46Disgusting clipboard
25:53So I met James Bay my husband Chris is comedian and he was doing the comedy
25:58I
26:04Met James Bay Old Trafford charity football match
26:13We've met James
26:16I've met some famous people
26:18I've met Tom Cruise. Oh, I've met Tom Cruise. No, you haven't I tested for a Mission Impossible
26:23For like one of the computer guys. He was leaving as I was coming in and he was like, hello
26:28But he walked right past me, but he did go. How are you doing? Yes, that's enough. Yes, Tom Cruise
26:36Interesting, I think maybe the team of three should do the guessing and I don't want to influence you
26:41But if you're behind the curtain for Jason and Stevie's attempt, I will pull my trousers and pants down
26:52I thought he might be behind the dummy that they were punching
26:59Okay, and the famous person I doubt yeah, I doubt it I've seen all of missions impossibles he ain't in it
27:10So we're saying no to the famous person yes to me being behind the show yes, all right team of two
27:16What do you think now? Who is it that you guys are saying? You've met? I don't know
27:22Possibly they've met him because he seems very
27:25Accessible no offense to James Bay and his loyal
27:32He's from Hitchin
27:35They've definitely not bluffing because that's huge
27:39Let's say okay and then is Alex behind the thing the clipboard I think they balance the clipboard on a mannequin
27:47And then did that? All right, so let's find out if they were telling the truth
27:51Hello team, hello, please raise your hands if you've met James Bay
28:00Have you met Tom Cruise No
28:03I
28:29Am a man of my words and I told you
28:33You would all get an opportunity to see me take my trousers and pants down, but I didn't say when or where
28:40Individually
28:42It's a time and place of my shoes
28:46That final round really changed things it turned out that the team of three ended up getting four out of the five right the team
28:51Of two only got three out of the five right? So the team of three get five points
28:55It's up to you
28:56How many the team to get but we should give them three points three to the team of two five to the team of three
29:04Very good. What's next, please? We're gonna have a glorious yet infuriating lightbulb moment
29:21Hello lovely smile you too
29:33Oh
29:37Tell Alex why the light bulb turns on
29:44You may not touch or tamper with the light bulb
29:49fastest correct answer wins
29:51Your time starts now. I don't understand what that means
29:58So I need
30:04I
30:06Don't know how the light bulb turns on but Rosie was certainly having a good time
30:11Let's see some stuff. Yes, it's not how it turns on is why it turns on and first to go it's Rosie Ramsey and
30:17Matty batty
30:23No
30:33A speed of light
30:37Is it when I talk no when I smile
30:45When I look at it to turn on when I don't
30:50Oh
30:59Pastas wins remember
31:03Mike oh my word, right
31:05Read this out loud and in full if you fail to read this out loud and in full you will fail the current task
31:14Dear Rosie
31:15Congratulations, you have looked under the table and found this a letter just for you. This is bullshit
31:19This is gonna be bullshit
31:21Didn't have such curious instincts. You wouldn't now be reading this personal note. No, this is bullshit
31:27I think you are funny
31:28I like your hair in almost every drawer and almost every shelf beneath almost every stone and inside
31:34You're the sort of person
31:38The truth is that taskmaster
31:50Okay, then I better go now well done again on finding this valuable paper, okay carry on yours Greg did that's
31:58Nice, that's not anything is it?
32:01Right. Yeah, you've got to tell me why the light bulb
32:04What's this plus two plus two plus two
32:09Statial expressions
32:20I gotta cry. Can you cry on cue probably it's worth a try
32:31Yeah
32:41It's not crying
32:44I
32:46Mentioned my smile when I came in something to do with facial expressions two times
32:52Is it smiling and then being sad and then smile and then being sad?
33:01Two seconds after I smile I've stopped the clock when I smile and then I go sad two seconds later that it goes on
33:13I
33:18Should be a jolly task, but the moments of great sadness there
33:22Crying Matthew appeared to have some sort of existential crisis
33:26It's nice to have a task that fractures your relationship with the concept of smiling
33:35Rosie thought it might be smiling very early on and then moved on very quickly
33:38But you got it in the end in 16 minutes 54 Matthew 13 minutes 54 13
33:43Yeah. Wow. It felt like a lot
33:48Right soon someone will be taking home a liar and a fanny which reminds me of a date with my ex
33:58She was dishonest and her name was fun cheetah
34:14And there's a really annoying task in play they're the best ones and now it's Jason and Stevie's turn to work out
34:21What's turning the light bulb on?
34:23All right. Let's see. I'm going to try
34:30It's when I tip to the right it's not
34:35This little hole can't imagine this is what I meant to do, but there is something oddly satisfying about it. I appreciate it
34:43I
34:45Think we as a red herring
34:50Plus two plus two. Hmm. I'll do two raisins. Oh
34:55boy
34:57That only tells me I'm on the right path
35:03Is it every time I look at the ball
35:13Oh
35:33If you turn that bulb on
35:35Is
35:40That you know looks like you
35:55Speed of light question mark miles
35:58Divided by two seconds. What do you want me to do with that information? Like what speed of light?
36:04So that is relevant, oh, is it this clue is relevant to the goddamn task shocking
36:15Smiles
36:16Smiles for two seconds. So I go off two seconds after I put raisins in a little hole. There we go. I
36:24Mean no, no. Oh wait
36:34Wow
36:35Does it go up two seconds after I'm in two seconds after I've left after I say, okay two seconds after I'm thinking
36:44It's everything in my power right now to not flip this table
36:49Two seconds after I stop smiling you try it out
37:03Two seconds after I stop
37:05I've stopped the clock but I need you to go now because I need to take that box apart because it's full of raisins
37:10You know what put some water in you'll have grapes
37:21So far we've seen you quite as crazed during a task I think it really got to you, right?
37:26Yeah, that was the angriest I was but what a celebration
37:28I
37:31Thought it was quite clever on the first attempt of popping raisins into the little hole
37:36Yeah, I was less convinced of your intelligence by the third time you started. I'm not gonna lie. They cut many times out
37:46Yes TV you were 28 minutes
37:52What about a raisin popper 52 52 minutes
37:58We
38:03Had a six-minute debate about whether it's math or maths you cut it we had to cut it Jason
38:10Yeah, this will be interesting. Can the angriest taskmaster contestant of all time? Can she even smile?
38:22It's time for fabulous fattier final
38:26What's this door can I use these Oh
38:31What happened
38:36Is it when I smile
38:44Do you remember used to do that in school? That's a fake smile. Do you remember that?
38:48We didn't go to the same school
38:53This is yeah
38:55Two-plus smiles. Oh, is it got to do with time? I got it. I got it, honey
39:01Okay, I smile two second break and then it comes on
39:09One two like comes on got it you got it
39:15Somebody called a vet because these swans are sick
39:18Did
39:23You make up someone call a vet because these swans are sick no, this one's aren't actually sick
39:27And if they were they're not really swans other but also it's not the vet you call for this. They've got this domestic stuff
39:33Yeah, what you actually should say
39:35Someone call whoever's responsible for the swan community
39:39Let's directly link to the royal family because these swans are sick and not many people are qualified to deal with it
39:47Give me some times
39:48Well, obviously Jason gets one point for his nearly an hour Stevie two points nearly half an hour Rosie three points for your 16 minutes
39:55Matt four points for 13 minutes fattier seven minutes five points there
40:08Fattier you are now in second place just two points behind Rosie who's on 17 points
40:16Okay, everyone, please make your way to the stage
40:37Who's gonna read the Tusk out it's fattier win a game of
40:41Front ham
40:46One at a time each person must discard free socks from the washing line and add one if all
40:54Your colored socks are removed. You are eliminated
40:57Last player standing wins the game of front. Um, we all know front ham. So it's a
41:04Traditional game you may not be aware of it Jason, but the others will be
41:07In
41:09Your black socks, you've got a secret sock that is your color
41:12Don't let anyone else see the color of your sock
41:15The aim of front ham as we all know is to leave your colored socks standing on the washing line
41:20So when you'll go you're gonna go first factor
41:22You can remove three socks any socks and then you've got to put one sock on from your bucket
41:27As soon as your color disappears, you're out. It's front ham. I mean, I don't know why I'm
41:32This is
41:34Yeah, this is cerebral, so why don't you all have a look secretly inside your secret sock remember your color
41:40Don't reveal it because there's a lot of tactics involved in this as always we go right to left
41:45That's you first fattier so you can remove three socks. I'm gonna be tactical here
41:50After me, I'm so sorry
41:54Oh my god
41:57And now what pick one and put it on absolutely just bring it back to its folk
42:02I
42:03Wonder what your secret sock color is. You don't know. It could be a double bluff. That's front ham
42:09Jason's up now. He could eliminate orange from the game. I mean he'd be a fucking psycho if he did. Let's see. Oh
42:17Oh, oh my god, he's mixing his colors these Americans are so flash so green is back to normal man
42:24Perilous for orange, but he's still gonna put one back on. Oh my god, Matthew. That's front ham. Oh my god
42:35Don't reveal your orange you pig and don't reveal if you're orange yet
42:41Not even a clue Rosie
42:45Back to the half-dozen yellows, so would you like the orange to reveal themselves? Do I need to?
42:53Oh
42:58Rosie a master of deception. Let's front ham. Okay. Okay. It's a full board at the moment
43:10I'm gonna write. Yeah. Well, I've got to put one up tonight. She takes it off. She puts a blue back
43:24For a second, I thought it was a masterful game of psychological warfare, but she just forgot she took the blue off
43:32Yeah back to you I believe oh there's an aggression here to oh, oh Christ
43:41Reds back up to full strength gray. I've not seen that for a few years
43:47Lovely oh my god
43:53Cautious so Matthew the door is open on blues. If you want to eliminate blues, that means you do go up in the leaderboard
44:02Greg remind me why wouldn't he go for blue at this stage?
44:06Matthew's his own man. We've seen this in previous tournaments
44:12One back on is it another blue back on
44:18Wow works for roses
44:23Oh
44:29We've lost green, but let's see who she puts up even Stephens
44:33She's taken two people to a full compliment. Yeah, we've lost someone green. It's me
44:48You do a double blue now, I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind. Oh, I've gone
44:54So, this is it we might find out what color she is
44:59Might be checkmate
45:04How she set up the ultimate head-to-head unbelievable we've lost blue finally they climb on for a while blue step forward
45:18Rosie this is your turn. You can't eliminate your opposition yet
45:22Please step up to the line north-south divide
45:34Yeah, but they both know who the other one is
45:40The numbers will go down it will dwindle it has to dwindle
45:43I
45:49Sorry, sorry tricky for you
45:57She's lost three yellow, it's a desperate bit though because there's not a lot she can do
46:07She's staying brave we've got a real situation. Yeah at this stage. It's really whether or not fatty remembers what color her sock
46:14All right, let's have it bro
46:18Will the last go
46:34One of the greatest games of front time I've ever witnessed I know it has changed the scores very tight at the top
46:40But with 21 points the winner of this episode is Rosie Ramsey
47:10You