Taskmaster (UK) S19 E06 2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me throughout my childhood things are really hotting up
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient clever and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18
00:50They have just the right amount of spice
00:53Even some salt would have helped for God's sake old woman
00:57But some salt it it tastes of nothing
01:02Sorry
01:20He told me privately that for him sex is like Christmas
01:24Once a year and involves the death of a turkey
01:39Yes, I'm feeling pretty good. I sometimes find this quite stressful the show
01:42Yeah, and now what I've done to help me relax. I've got myself a brand new sex bot. So
01:48The idea was to go back to the room after the show
01:53Get it going and I should just relieve the tension, okay
01:57I've got to say I am genuinely surprised because he doesn't like talking about private things
02:02What do you mean?
02:03What do you mean?
02:04Yeah, anything. Anything sexual, interesting
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set. I've got a brand new box set
02:08I've got a brand new box set
02:10I was happy for you in March of the Penguin, so I'm really looking forward to that
02:12Calm the nerves, so
02:16That's it. It was a box set, a sex bot
02:18That's the whole bit
02:19That's the whole
02:20That's it moving. Keep it snappy. Let's go
02:23Right, let's go. What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open
02:30Greg's fly
02:32Jesus!
02:34I realised
02:36That sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open
02:38What I meant is Greg is fly. He's stylish. He's cool
02:42And I wonder what everyone's brought in. Let's find out
02:45Sweet save
02:47Rosie Ramsey
02:48Hello
02:49What have you brought me?
02:50I have brought something that I adore
02:52And every time I open it
02:53I just feel happy
02:54Oh, hello
02:55OK
02:56A jar of gherkins
02:58Oh!
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins
03:02And I do love opening a jar
03:04Like, without having to ask my husband
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it
03:14You're welcome, honey
03:15Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:16A pop-up book. But not just any pop-up book. A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:31Oh
03:33Here it is
03:35There's your first open
03:37There's your second
03:40Hang on
03:41Where's Alex?
03:42There he is!
03:44Is that the only spread? No, it's not
03:46No
03:47Where's Alex? Is he behind the door again?
03:50No
03:51Where could he be?
03:53Yes
03:56Is that the last spread? No, there's one more
04:00You can help me with this, Greg
04:01It's Little Lally Tom
04:03Wow
04:04Wow
04:05Wow
04:06Wow
04:07Thank you
04:09Great
04:11Erm, it's incredible
04:13It's lovely, Matthew
04:14Erm, Stevie
04:16Erm, so this is something that has been in my house for
04:22Well, it must be since February when we moved
04:24And sometimes I can't open jars
04:26And I haven't been able to open it, I've just been buying other peppers
04:31Because I can't, I honestly can't open it
04:34And what's nice to open is when someone goes
04:36Oh, can you get that? And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you
04:41Yeah, I'm tempted to, I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power
04:47I'm a bit sweaty
04:48Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49This is, yeah, really, really, it's been six, er, since every...
04:52Oh, fuck
04:53One guy
04:56It sounded nice
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice
04:59Shhh
05:00What, one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task
05:08Nor did I
05:09OK
05:10Er, Jason
05:11Alright
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it
05:15Because it's something that is, that was mine
05:17Here, let's, uh, let's see, hit it here
05:19Aha, right?
05:21It's a dog
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Except, actually, hold on a second
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:27Yes
05:28Yeah
05:29Second photo, here we go
05:30Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey
05:36And there is the urn with Turkey's ashes
05:38And that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44I'm running
05:45This won't be the worst job, I've got a dead dog in here
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look, when he opens the box and he sees those ashes
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03OK, Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off
06:10Off?
06:11Off
06:12Oh
06:13Yeah, I don't think you haven't done it in a while, but you will do it more once we're married
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing
06:25And it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29LAUGHTER
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32APPLAUSE
06:37APPLAUSE
06:39APPLAUSE
06:41I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're going to have to decide what is the least nice thing to open
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots
06:52Yes
06:53Without question
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point
06:56And then we'll give Pickle Girl two points and she can thank me for them
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie
07:02Hey, no
07:03Can't do it, I can't, I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three
07:13Four
07:14Five
07:15Done
07:16Five
07:18APPLAUSE
07:19Right, do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?
07:23Hmm, 67
07:34MUSIC CONTINUES
07:49Hello. Oh, my God.
07:51What's it with the hat business?
07:53Have you got a fetish or something?
07:55Hello, Rosie. Hello!
07:58You OK? Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:10The very top of your head
08:12must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:19How tall are you, Rosie? I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine. So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:32Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:38Five.
08:40Right.
08:42Is it fruit?
08:43Fifty-four.
08:46This is awful.
08:50It's very exciting.
08:51It's very exciting.
08:53What did you say, Patrick? I don't accept what you said.
08:55What sort of fetish did you get into?
08:57I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
09:00I'm a sexual woman.
09:03As is your right.
09:06OK.
09:07Who are we going to see first?
09:08Yes.
09:09Well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
09:11Let's start with Rosie, Ramsay, Stevie and Martin.
09:14Is your name Alex Horne?
09:17Seven.
09:18Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:20Fifty-three.
09:22Oh, yeah, so...
09:25Have I actually...
09:27Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:31Sixty-two.
09:32OK, so no is even.
09:34Yes is odd.
09:37Sixty-eight.
09:39Your head is too high.
09:41OK.
09:42I don't understand the number system at all.
09:44Right.
09:45Is it something to do with bingo?
09:47Bingo?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Ninety-nine.
09:50Is it a duck?
09:52Uh...
09:53Fifteen.
09:55What are you doing?
09:56You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head.
10:02I think it's just a hat.
10:05Oh, is that a periscope?
10:06No.
10:07That's not real, is it?
10:09Is that real?
10:10Keep your head loyal.
10:12Is that a periscope?
10:14Oh, my God!
10:15I'm smashing it!
10:17Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but...
10:19I can't see what's in your hat.
10:21Wait.
10:23Oh!
10:25Behind...
10:27Behind Greg.
10:29What, this?
10:30This Greg?
10:33Whoo!
10:34He's moving it!
10:36Can I guess you mean to not get a hat off?
10:3983.
10:40Oh, my God, it's a grabber.
10:43I'm gonna protect my eyes.
10:44OK.
10:46Ooh, jazzy.
10:48I don't know what to do with it.
10:50It's...
10:52That's the night.
10:54We've found my weakness, and it's pipes.
10:57Oh!
11:02Got it!
11:04Oh!
11:06It's a carrot!
11:08I've stopped the clock.
11:09Yay!
11:10I would never, ever, ever have got that.
11:12You did get it.
11:15Can I knock it off?
11:16Oh.
11:20Sorry, Alec.
11:21It's all right.
11:22It's a carrot!
11:23I've stopped the clock.
11:25I've never seen someone using a Periscope like that before.
11:29It's pretty good.
11:30It's pretty good time.
11:32I bet you loved this cast, didn't you?
11:34No.
11:35Submarines.
11:36Beat me aboard.
11:38Whistle me aboard, Captain.
11:41Just to be clear, at no point did you try and use the Periscope as a Periscope?
11:45I've never used one before.
11:46I get my shipmates to do it.
11:50Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever.
11:53No, I didn't even bother.
11:54The only question you asked was, is this bingo?
11:58She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.
12:00Absolutely, both of them.
12:01Stevie, 6 minutes 53, got the carrot.
12:04Rosie, 6 minutes 35.
12:06Wow!
12:07Whoa!
12:08Both quicker!
12:10Well done.
12:12Who is next?
12:13We're going to leave Jason until the end, and boy, oh boy, does he know why.
12:16So, for now, here's Matthew and Fathu.
12:19Here we go.
12:21Are you a man?
12:2313.
12:25Are you a woman?
12:2612.
12:29OK, I think I've got it.
12:30Is it a banana?
12:3110.
12:32Is it a strawberry?
12:338.
12:34Kerry?
12:3540.
12:3640.
12:3740.
12:38Yeah, what?
12:3940.
12:401-4.
12:41OK.
12:42I don't know what this number business is.
12:43No.
12:44OK.
12:46I was going to try and make it unsafe, and then you'd have to come down.
12:49Oh, I see.
12:50There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes.
12:52Are you mad?
12:5312.
12:54What are you going to do with the shoes?
12:55Throw them at you.
12:57No, these are heavy.
12:58I can't do that.
13:05OK.
13:17Behind Greg.
13:19Can you do the pole vault?
13:20Stay there.
13:21Don't move.
13:22Yeah.
13:23Well, you stay low.
13:24I won't hurt you, I promise.
13:25Right, we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it and I don't know what it is.
13:35Stay there.
13:36Stay there.
13:37I bet you super glued it on because you're a twat, bro.
13:41See, it doesn't even move.
13:43I'm scared to hurt.
13:44Oh, here we go.
13:45It's a carrot.
13:46Stop the clock.
13:47Stop the clock.
13:48What is on the top of my head?
13:50Something orange.
13:51Orange is on the top of your head.
13:53Orange, man.
13:54You must be more specific.
13:56Orange plastic or rubber?
13:58More specific.
14:01Right, let go.
14:05Oh, there it is.
14:06Stop moving.
14:07It's a carrot!
14:0839.
14:13What I found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex to try and
14:18dislodge his head fence, I would have bet my life that Fatih would have been the one to
14:23actually throw the shoes.
14:25Quite a twist, yeah.
14:27Suddenly this monster appears.
14:30You've got the carrot.
14:31You've whacked his hat off with a snooker cue.
14:33Yeah.
14:34And actually, quicker.
14:3530 minutes 20 for Fatih or 40 minutes 20 for Matt.
14:38There we go.
14:39Good luck.
14:42Right.
14:43Well, that's the end of part one.
14:44See you back here soon.
14:45APPLAUSE
14:55Welcome back to the start of part two.
14:57Yes.
14:58Now, before the break, they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head.
15:01I could only answer questions using my exciting new number system.
15:04Finally, it's Jason's turn.
15:06He's called me lots of things this series.
15:08Jerk off.
15:10Asshole.
15:11So here is some retribution.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15Is it produce?
15:1631.
15:17Is it grapes?
15:18Is it a banana?
15:19Sprouts.
15:20Grapefruit.
15:21Lettuce.
15:2228.
15:23Ugh.
15:24Is it a lemon?
15:25Four.
15:26Is it a lime?
15:2714.
15:28Good lord.
15:29Is it a pomegranate?
15:3015.
15:31Grapes?
15:3216.
15:33Is it a shoe?
15:34Is it a small house?
15:35Is it dirt?
15:3630.
15:37Is it a lemon?
15:3834.
15:39Is it a lemon?
15:4035.
15:41Is it lemons?
15:4236.
15:43Alex, is it a lemon?
15:4438.
15:45This is just absurd.
15:47I'm ready to be here for the long run.
15:48This is going to be one of those ones where you're like,
15:50shockingly, Jason was doing this for 33 minutes.
15:57Is it corn?
15:5893.
15:59Is it a pear?
16:0014.
16:01Green.
16:0260.
16:03Boy, this numbers thing, I'm not good with this.
16:04No.
16:05Well, sorry.
16:06What do you mean, no?
16:07This is mad.
16:08What's on the very top of my head, Jason?
16:10I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken task.
16:16Right.
16:17Good.
16:18Okay.
16:19Alright, then I guess I'll move around.
16:21Yeah, that's right, everybody.
16:22Get the cameras.
16:23Let's go.
16:24Is it a seagull?
16:2660.
16:27Is it one of these gargoyles?
16:29Seagulls.
16:30Man.
16:35Oh, Jesus Christ.
16:42Fine.
16:43No, see, this is not working.
16:44This isn't what I want it to be.
16:45It looked pretty close there.
16:46Yeah, no, I know.
16:47Okay.
16:48I'm not a fucking idiot, Alex.
16:49I know that I found the thing.
16:50Okay, now that can't.
16:51That's so difficult.
16:52Oh, boy, this is very difficult.
16:53Sorry, Alex.
16:54Man, what?
16:55I'm gonna try this again.
16:56Oh, is it green?
16:57A little bit.
16:58I mean, straight.
16:59Wow, it's right there.
17:00Yeah.
17:01But what the hell is it?
17:02I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:04Is it green?
17:05A little bit.
17:06I mean, straight.
17:07Wow.
17:08It's right there.
17:09Yeah.
17:10But what the hell is it?
17:11I can't make out what the hell that is at all.
17:13Is it carrot?
17:14Three.
17:15Or two.
17:16Or five.
17:17Or seven.
17:18Oh, did I guess it?
17:19You've completed the task.
17:20Oh, great.
17:21That's what I thought.
17:22Do you feel good?
17:23No.
17:24No, let me be clear, Alex.
17:26I do not feel good.
17:28Well, thank you, Jason.
17:29Oh, well, thank you, Jason.
17:31Oh, well, thank you, Jason.
17:32Oh, great.
17:33That's what I thought.
17:34Do you feel good?
17:35No.
17:36No, let me be clear, Alex.
17:39I do not feel good.
17:41Well, thank you, Jason.
17:42All right.
17:43APPLAUSE
17:49Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?
17:52It's got to be up there.
17:53It was one hour, 40.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:57One hour, 40 minutes!
18:00I did this!
18:02These two have both done that in just under seven minutes.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06Somehow I had it in my mind, I had to crack the code.
18:10He asked 233 questions.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14How many of them were, is it a lemon?
18:16Do you want to give me a number between one and 233?
18:18We'll find out some of the questions.
18:20Sure, 154?
18:21Well, that was quite a long one.
18:22What if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course
18:24and you never saw me again?
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27APPLAUSE
18:32Is it suffering?
18:33Is it Jesus Christ?
18:34Is this good television?
18:35Is it human teeth?
18:36There were so many.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38Come on, then, you nerds.
18:39What's the system?
18:40Very simple.
18:41It's no, it's a composite number, yes, it's a prime number.
18:44Oh, I hate you even more.
18:47Because I would never have figured that out.
18:49No, we saw that.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:51OK, what are the scores?
18:53Yes, well, Jason, with his 100 minutes, gets one point.
18:56Matt, with 14 minutes, two points.
18:58Fatia, 30 minutes, three points.
18:59Stevie, just slower than Rosie, so you get four points,
19:01but Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points!
19:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:05Right, what are the scores, Alex?
19:10It's very, very close.
19:12Two points separating all five of them.
19:14Joint winners so far, Matt and Rosie on seven points.
19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:18All right, I think we need the team task.
19:21Ooh, I do too.
19:23And aren't they all just one big happy family?
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27Matthew.
19:41Alex.
19:42Rosie.
19:43Alex.
19:44Fatia.
19:45Horn.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Great news.
19:48Oh, yeah?
19:49We've come up with a team name.
19:50Oh, that is good news.
19:51I've forgotten it, so you have to say it.
19:53JV Martzoukas.
19:54That was it.
19:55Hello, JV Martzoukas.
19:56Hello, Alex.
19:57There's a task for you there and a little camera.
19:59OK.
20:00Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others,
20:05then capture your relationship
20:07with a classic family home video moment.
20:11Most believable family wins.
20:13You have 30 minutes.
20:14Your timer starts now.
20:17This is fantastic.
20:18Oh, let me be the mum.
20:19Cos you two are parents, I'm not, so let me be the parent.
20:21Is that all right?
20:22Does that make sense?
20:23Yeah.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:25OK.
20:26What are those classic...
20:28Ooh.
20:29Like, you teaching me how to, like, potty training?
20:31I'm dangling you over and you're pissing.
20:33How you holding me over the toilet and I'm pissing and pooping.
20:36Can I...
20:37Uh...
20:38Do we have laxatives, Alex?
20:41We've got to do a play.
20:43A play?
20:44Or, like, put a musical on us.
20:45Not just, you know, when kids do, like, a show.
20:48Right.
20:49Buying an ice cream, playing...
20:50Playing in traffic.
20:51Can we play in traffic?
20:52Playing in traffic?
20:53No.
20:54OK.
20:5522 minutes.
20:56Oh, God, right, OK.
20:57So, let's go.
20:58All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:01Just read me the task again.
21:04Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
21:06and capture a relationship with a classic family home video moment.
21:09And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic.
21:12You guys don't do that?
21:13Yes.
21:14Oh, your country's so boring!
21:17Well, we're going to start with a team of two.
21:20And this one is actually far from ideal for me.
21:23BELL RINGS
21:25BELL RINGS
21:27Bring the camera up, Denise.
21:28Bring it up, Denise.
21:29Right, have you got that?
21:30Yeah.
21:31Have you got it?
21:32Have you got it?
21:33I'm scared, Daddy, I'm scared!
21:34I can't do it!
21:35I can't do it!
21:36You can!
21:37I've got you!
21:38I've got you!
21:39Look, I've got you!
21:40Daddy's got you!
21:41You get it?
21:42You get it?
21:43You get it, Denise!
21:44I'm doing it!
21:45I'm doing it!
21:46I'm doing it!
21:47I'm doing it!
21:48I'm doing it!
21:49I'm doing it!
21:50I'm doing it!
21:51No hands, Lord!
21:52No hands!
21:53You did it!
21:54Who's that man?
21:55What man?
21:56Was that man there?
21:58Daddy, who's that man?
22:00Oh, my God, it's a pervert!
22:03What?!
22:04I like the hairy girl!
22:07Get out of here!
22:08Get out of here now!
22:10Get out of here now!
22:11Get in, Daddy!
22:12Get in!
22:13Get in!
22:14Get in!
22:15Get in!
22:16Get out of here!
22:17No!
22:19No!
22:20No!
22:21No!
22:22No!
22:27Can I just say something?
22:29That when we ran out, we all ran out into like the rush hour traffic.
22:34INTO THE TRAFFIC!
22:37With insane energy, straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:42And you were like, oh, this is the old days.
22:45I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.
22:49OK, I sort of bought it, you know, the touching moment
22:52of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:55I'm just intrigued by, given the title, classic family video,
22:59of bringing the pervert into it.
23:01Well, it's in the 80s, you know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep.
23:05So it was meant to be like an accidental snapshot
23:07into sexual politics of the decade.
23:11Classic. Yeah!
23:13OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:15When you return, you'll see an entirely different family,
23:18but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:21Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:31APPLAUSE
23:35Thank you!
23:37Thank you. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
23:39where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:42Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:45Most believable family wins.
23:47So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:52Christmas morning.
23:56The presents are out.
23:58Let's call the girls.
24:00Girls!
24:02Father Christmas has been!
24:04He's been!
24:06Yes! Merry Christmas!
24:08Merry Christmas!
24:12Merry Christmas, Patty!
24:14Now, girls, Patty in particular,
24:19remember what happened last year with the presents.
24:22I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous,
24:26and I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully
24:30about these presents,
24:32and I thought as much as I could
24:35about things that you would really like, OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patty.
24:41Do I, Hattie?
24:42Do you like Hattie?
24:43No, Daddy.
24:44No.
24:45So, are you ready?
24:47Open your presents!
24:56What have you got there?
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh, look!
25:04Hattie, you've got some string,
25:06and Patty, you've got a scooter.
25:08Do you like your present, Patty?
25:11Hattie?
25:12Are you OK, Patty?
25:16Oh, Patty, do you...
25:19Not again, Patty.
25:24Want the string, Patty?
25:25Oh, Hattie!
25:27That's such good sharing,
25:29and you're offering Patty a present.
25:31Yeah, Patty, do you want my present?
25:33Is that what you want, Patty?
25:34Yeah, Hattie.
25:36Oh, I'm sorry, Hattie,
25:37that means you have to have the scooter.
25:39Oh, no!
25:40I know.
25:41I know you wanted the scooter.
25:43Don't do it, my friend.
25:45I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
25:47I know you wanted the scooter.
25:51Well, here's a question I'd never thought I'd ask on television,
26:05I'd ask on television, what's with all the hairy women?
26:11We needed to... Family resemblance.
26:13So we needed to look like him. Well, that's the obvious, yeah.
26:16So obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:18Well, you assume it's because he's a single father.
26:20So they're just his?
26:25Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:27Yeah, well, obviously it was the horrible, jealous daughter
26:30being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father, right?
26:34Yes, slightly more.
26:36So we're giving five points for team three.
26:38OK, how many points for the team of two? Four points.
26:40There we go, four points and five points.
26:42APPLAUSE
26:46What's next, then?
26:48Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
27:04Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:06Wow, Alex Horne.
27:07Ooh!
27:08Please have a seat at the desk.
27:09Congratulations.
27:10Yes, congratulations.
27:11Did you graduate college?
27:12Yeah.
27:13What school?
27:14Cambridge University.
27:15What degree?
27:16Latin and Greek.
27:17OK.
27:18You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's gotta be obsolete.
27:23Oh, I'd love to, I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:28Teach the taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget.
27:32Ooh la la.
27:33Most memorable lesson wins.
27:35You have 20 minutes.
27:37Your time starts now.
27:39From what I know about how memory works,
27:42basically if something's a little bit...
27:45..traumatic...
27:47..it sticks in your mind.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50Tell me a fact, like, one of your favourite facts.
27:53Shall I get your levels?
27:54You get dogs in all different colours.
27:56That's definitely not.
27:59No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days when it used to snow,
28:02like, up to your waist?
28:04Do you remember?
28:05Yeah.
28:06So, it was winter, it was snowing,
28:08and then these boys come and played Knock Down Ginger,
28:10and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers,
28:13cos my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson.
28:16My dad is an animal.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18Right.
28:19That's the lesson.
28:20Was that the lesson?
28:21Yeah.
28:22It's not necessarily been...
28:23Is that not?
28:24..into my brain.
28:25Can I go think?
28:26You're just like all my old teachers.
28:27Yeah, am I?
28:29Sexy.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31OK.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:34I'm excited to see Matty deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more about how much of an underwear-wearing
28:47animal Fatty has dad is.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50I hope that features.
28:51Well, let's see.
28:52We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:56Open the hatch.
29:03Trow down.
29:04Do you mean trousers?
29:05Yes, please.
29:08Down to your anchors, please.
29:09Yep, yep, you're doing.
29:10Thank you so much.
29:11Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:14When you get something wrong,
29:15that will happen.
29:18Right.
29:19That means you must dunk your head...
29:21..into the bin of water.
29:22We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25OK.
29:26Toilet roll.
29:27The cheeks parted.
29:29Wipe until clean.
29:32What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception.
29:37WHISTLE BLOWS
29:38WHISTLE BLOWS
29:39WHISTLE BLOWS
29:42Keep up!
29:43WHISTLE BLOWS
29:46It's called encoding horn.
29:48What's it called?
29:49Encoding.
29:50WHISTLE BLOWS
29:51WHISTLE BLOWS
29:52Down you go!
29:53Is it not what we do?
29:54WHISTLE BLOWS
29:57Correct.
29:58It's called encoding.
30:01Part the cheeks.
30:02Part the cheeks.
30:03Wipe until clean.
30:08Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
30:10Put it in the bin.
30:11What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:14Hippocampus.
30:16WHISTLE BLOWS
30:17Down you go, horse!
30:19Do you hate yourself yet?
30:21You're green.
30:22It is not clean.
30:23It is not clean.
30:27Well done horn.
30:28It is the hippocampus.
30:29Was it?
30:30Oh, good.
30:32You are rotten to the core, aren't you?
30:35Oh, my God.
30:36What is the first step of creating a memory called?
30:39Encoding.
30:40What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:42Hippocampus.
30:43Hippocampus.
30:44Very good.
30:45You may celebrate in the long dunk.
30:47WHISTLE BLOWS
30:48WHISTLE BLOWS
30:49WHISTLE BLOWS
30:50WHISTLE BLOWS
30:51WHISTLE BLOWS
30:56Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me now.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events,
31:07stay in the brain.
31:09So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:12But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding
31:15of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:19Icy water, though.
31:20It was ice in the water, wasn't there, Matt?
31:21Little bit.
31:24Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside
31:26after Rosie's onslaught?
31:28I was confused.
31:30I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:32Don't look at it.
31:33And he wiped it on the face at the end.
31:35I just got carried away.
31:39The thing is, growing up in this country,
31:40we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths.
31:43So, good. I enjoyed them both.
31:45OK. Want to see more?
31:46Yes.
31:47OK, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:51Oh, God.
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it
31:57is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
32:00That's cool. OK.
32:01You go over this side and you go like that.
32:03You need to do your hands.
32:04OK.
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah.
32:08But you're not just stepping.
32:09I am.
32:10In fact, I'd like you to write it not there.
32:12I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:16That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:21Sorry, you call your penis your little person.
32:24Some people do.
32:25Sure, you call it your little Alex or on.
32:28You know, it's like a pen.
32:29Yes.
32:30OK.
32:31You've got to be like a snake.
32:32Turn your snake.
32:35That is not a snake.
32:36Oh, it's not bad.
32:38Shrimp's heart is located...
32:40In.
32:41Oh, I put on.
32:43Just going to shake your top.
32:45No, just your top.
32:47Not your...
32:49Eleven.
32:50Right.
32:51I'm out of room there.
32:52Yeah.
32:53I'll give you some privacy.
32:54Still, still, still, still.
32:55Go.
32:57You've got to move not just your hands.
32:58You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:02I haven't got those things.
33:04You don't need those things to do it.
33:05I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked.
33:12It's fine.
33:14Stay still here.
33:15Go on.
33:16That's it.
33:20I think we're on 42.
33:21Yeah.
33:22This is 46.
33:24How do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:27That's it, now, your fully-fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:30OK, then.
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready.
33:33Yalla, Wahid.
33:34Zhoosh.
33:35Clutter.
33:42Right, left, good.
33:43Hip.
33:44Yay!
33:45Woo!
33:51It's a mastermind.
33:53It's a shrimp's head.
33:54Isn't it a shrimp's head?
33:55Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:56Yeah, of course it is.
33:57I forgot on the last one.
33:59Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:04Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:06Get cleaned up.
34:11Yeah.
34:16Well, is the shrimp fact true?
34:18Yeah.
34:19Absolutely true.
34:20And the whale fact?
34:21Yes, so...
34:22They've got legs in their stomach.
34:23No, you said whenever they used to have legs.
34:25So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:27No, it's like a human's leg.
34:28Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:33But it's technically...
34:34I just like the idea that there's one big leg and they were bouncing around.
34:36I like that idea as well.
34:37I didn't think about the procedural element.
34:39I thought it had an...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:41Just a little...
34:42Yeah.
34:43But I know it doesn't.
34:45But...
34:46Yeah.
34:47But I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet, and I thought the result was actually
34:52quite good.
34:53And it worked.
34:54You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's dead.
35:01Break time.
35:06When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra, a dead dog's ashes,
35:11and a jar of gherkins, or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:16APPLAUSE
35:27Hello again!
35:29Part four, is it then?
35:30Yes, it is, Greg.
35:31Keep up, mate.
35:32The contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:35For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:39Time for my final lesson now, and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantoukas.
35:43It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:49But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:53Let's go.
35:54Yeah, let's do it.
35:55All right.
35:56Jenny!
35:57Here's your tea, Alec.
35:58Ooh!
35:59That's so nice of you.
36:01You're welcome.
36:02That's amazing.
36:03Thanks.
36:04Bye-bye.
36:05Hello, Alec.
36:06Hi, Becky.
36:07We're getting sandwiches for lunch today.
36:08What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all.
36:10Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:14Mm-mm.
36:15Oh!
36:16Hi, Alex.
36:17Amy, this looks amazing.
36:18Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so...
36:20It's just right.
36:21That's perfect.
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Yeah, the scans came back.
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:29Oh, not inconclusive.
36:30Yeah, I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Look, whatever it takes.
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:36Okay.
36:37Okay.
36:38I think I've seen everything I need to see.
36:39Let's go.
36:40Okay, that was terrible.
36:42Really?
36:43I didn't like that at all.
36:44I thought it was good.
36:45What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them?
36:50Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them.
36:54They are things.
36:56You only focus on what matters to you.
36:59Me.
37:00Alex Horne.
37:01Number one.
37:02Everyone else?
37:03The things.
37:04Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show.
37:10Let's do this.
37:14Here's your tea, Alex.
37:15Thing?
37:16Yes.
37:17Yes.
37:18It's the wrong shade.
37:19What would you like for lunch today?
37:20I want goose.
37:21And jelly.
37:22Ha-ha-ha!
37:23Oh, what's this?
37:24That looks absolutely stupid.
37:25What the frick is this?
37:26Freak?
37:27Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:28You're a bad boy.
37:29You're Alex.
37:30What the fuck is this?
37:31Yes!
37:32Yes!
37:33Yes!
37:34Ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:35Yeah?
37:36Yes!
37:37Oh, shit.
37:38I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:39Really what?
37:40You're fired.
37:41Ooh!
37:42You're never here anywhere.
37:43You're always going to the hospital.
37:44Go!
37:45Yes!
37:46Yes!
37:47Yes!
37:48Yes!
37:49Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:50Yes!
37:51Yes!
37:52Oh, shit!
37:53I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:54Really what?
37:55You're fired!
37:56Ooh!
37:57You're never here anywhere.
37:58You're always going to the hospital.
37:59Go!
38:00Quicker!
38:01Quicker!
38:02Quicker!
38:03Let's get her.
38:04You're a pain in the ass!
38:05A pain right in my...
38:06What is this?
38:07What is this?
38:08Who are you?
38:09Off you go!
38:10Bye-bye!
38:11Bye-bye!
38:12Ha-ha-ha-ha!
38:13Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
38:15You forgot your bag!
38:21That was great.
38:23Fuck you!
38:24Oh!
38:25The student has become the master.
38:28Bye-bye.
38:29APPLAUSE
38:30I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learnt a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:43But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:47Whenever we're in the...
38:48It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54LAUGHTER
38:55Yeah.
38:56From Frick to Fuck.
38:57That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:02But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:04Don't ruin it now.
39:05They're things.
39:06They're tools in the toolbox.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:09But who was the best tutor?
39:13Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand and shouting in my face worked a bit.
39:17A bit?
39:18But it was the warmth of Fatih that I responded to most.
39:21Wow.
39:22Fatih, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:25LAUGHTER
39:26This is going to...
39:27Really?
39:28..fuck your brand.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:31So, Fatih gets five points for being nice.
39:36Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:40LAUGHTER
39:41So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK.
39:49Fair enough.
39:50APPLAUSE
39:54Shall we take a peek at those scores?
39:56Yes, well, the series scores are in.
39:58There's two people in the 90s.
39:59Rosie's on 90, Matt on 99, the series we've got at the moment.
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06But in this episode, she's just so lovely, she's in the lead.
40:09With 16 points, it's Fatih El Ghori!
40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:17So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:19OK, it's time.
40:21Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:29Hello, honey pie.
40:32I like the hairy girl.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:35Who's going to be the Tusk out?
40:36Uh, Jason today, please.
40:39Ahem.
40:41Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:43If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated.
40:47If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:50You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:54Last player standing wins.
40:56Yes, there'll be four rounds of this.
40:57In each round, there'll be a different lot of things on that table there.
41:01One at a time, you'll come to the spot.
41:03Something has to fall off the table, but if everything goes, you're out.
41:07And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out.
41:10That is checkmate.
41:11Prepare the table.
41:15I knew it.
41:16I knew it.
41:17It's feathers.
41:18I knew it.
41:19So, at least one feather must leave.
41:21We're going to go from right to left.
41:22We're starting with Stevie.
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:26That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:32OK.
41:33One blow plus.
41:34Yeah.
41:35Yeah, all right.
41:36Yeah.
41:37It was touch and go though, wasn't it?
41:38No.
41:39I knew what I was doing.
41:40I was building tension.
41:41Rosie's up next.
41:42Lovely.
41:43Absolutely right.
41:44That's his turn.
41:45Oh!
41:46Oh!
41:47Oh!
41:48Oh!
41:49Oh!
41:50Oh!
41:51Oh!
41:52Oh!
41:53Oh!
41:54Oh!
41:55Oh!
41:56Oh!
41:57Oh!
41:58Oh!
41:59Oh!
42:00Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06Oh!
42:07Oh!
42:08Oh!
42:09Oh!
42:10Oh!
42:11Oh!
42:12Oh!
42:13Oh!
42:18Whoa!
42:19Oh!
42:20Oh!
42:21Oh!
42:22Not a lot left out there.
42:23Not a lot left.
42:24Wow!
42:26Oh!
42:27Oh!
42:28Oh!
42:29Yeah.
42:30Oh!
42:31Oh
43:01Oh
43:11Pictures of okay, okay blow me Jason happily my friend
43:31I
43:44Didn't mean to I didn't mean to arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition
43:49Oh
44:19We're up in the professional league
44:34That was tactical play lovely
44:49Oh
44:57Speak for all of us and say I can't believe this is watchable and yet everyone riveted
45:19Oh, it's nearly two breath
45:21Nearly two breath. Well, it was one
45:26I hate you so much
45:34Now we're playing with power
45:49Oh
45:56Yeah, it feels like it
46:04In second place
46:10Come down and join me with that match to the final score
46:19Well, well, well
46:21Yes, like a lot of things in this show surprisingly watchable
46:24Really good
46:25Mmm
46:26Matt unfortunately out first gets the one point
46:27Two to Stevie, three to Rosie
46:28Then it was between Fatia and Jason at the end
46:31Four to Fatia, Jason won it gets the five points
46:33So well done Jason Manziel
46:34Yeah
46:38But how does it affect the overall scores Greg?
46:40I don't know
46:41You won't believe it, they've now all got even-numbered scores
46:44I love it
46:45Stevie at the bottom with 14 at the other end
46:47With 20 points
46:49For the first time
46:50It's Fatia!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:55Fatia, our Goring Ways
46:57Please come to the show by opening your things there
47:00Nice welcome!
47:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:17LAUGHTER