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00:00Please, bloody Miss Jackson, can't just give me one last chance.
00:21You've had hundreds of one last chances.
00:24One more chance?
00:25This discussion is over.
00:27If you still have barman's hand at closing time tonight, this pub is going to be shut
00:32down!
00:33Toodle-oo.
00:34Toodle-oo.
00:35Come back!
00:36Oh!
00:37Why did they leave?
00:38Why?
00:39Oh, not this week.
00:41Not on top of everything else.
00:43Not only has my wife got remarried to a Frenchman.
00:46She even has the gall, no pun intended, she even has the gall to send a postcard from
00:54her bloody honeymoon.
00:56But if I had wanted to endure another person's superficial problems, then I would have
01:01stayed at home to listen to my mother prattling on about her urinary tract infection.
01:06But I came here to drink, to drink alcohol on my own, in silence.
01:12So, will you please get me a twatting drink?
01:19Come and write out.
01:20Ah!
01:21Ah!
01:22Ah!
01:23Damn these useless hands!
01:24Cosby, get the proper drink.
01:25I'll get it!
01:26I'll get it!
01:27What?
01:28Goal?
01:29Goal!
01:30Ah!
01:31Very amusing!
01:32God, I can't believe only three more hours until our last exam.
01:36And God, one exam!
01:37I mean, 0.4% of our final mark.
01:40Who cares?
01:41I haven't done any work for it.
01:42No.
01:43Me neither.
01:44Who cares?
01:45Not me.
01:46Those exam results were your whole life.
01:47Yeah.
01:48As if.
01:49No, but you said the other week that...
01:51Ah!
01:52Oi!
01:53What are you doing?
01:54Only I get to eat him round here.
01:57That's better.
01:58Order's restored.
01:59Get us another drink.
02:01I'm going to do the exam pissed.
02:03Oh, Stella.
02:04You're so cool.
02:05I know.
02:06Yeah.
02:07Let's not talk work.
02:08It's so dull.
02:09Can I just point out that summer vac starts in six hours.
02:11Summer vac?
02:12But it's the 1st of May.
02:13I know.
02:14It is outrageous.
02:15And they expect you to be back by, like, mid-November.
02:17I mean, what's that all about?
02:18Oh, bloody students.
02:19So pure.
02:20Ugh.
02:21You...
02:22You're wrapped up in yourselves, aren't you?
02:23I mean, what about me?
02:24Eh?
02:25My wife...
02:26Look, see, what I think you've done there is you've confused me with someone who actually
02:29gives a toss.
02:30Nice one, Con.
02:31Hey, you know what?
02:32We should have a party tonight to celebrate.
02:33Oh, I can't.
02:34I've got a shift here.
02:35Well, that's okay.
02:36We can all come here.
02:37I mean, I know it's not subsidised like the student bar, not officially.
02:40Oh, no, you don't.
02:41No bloody students.
02:42Not in my gaff.
02:43Oh, please, Gav.
02:44I'll be ever so grateful.
02:45Uh-huh.
02:46Okay, then.
02:47You're right.
02:48You've got the fat-headed bollock twisted round your little finger.
02:50My head is not fat!
02:51And any resemblance to bollock is purely cursory.
02:52See you at the exam.
02:53Yeah.
02:54Boring!
02:55Ugh.
02:56Ugh.
02:57But I thought you didn't care about the exam.
03:02Weren't you listening?
03:03It's 0.4%.
03:04I mean, if it was 0.3%, then obviously I'd be chilled.
03:09But it's not!
03:10It's 0.4%.
03:11About which of your earth subjects is the examination base?
03:12Economics.
03:13Ah, well, economics is a doddle.
03:14I can tell you all you need to know about economics in ten seconds flat.
03:18Prof, give us a tenner.
03:20Look at that.
03:21Ten beautiful British pounds.
03:22Ten pounds!
03:23Wow!
03:24That's the most money I've ever seen all at once.
03:25Yeah.
03:26And it's worth what it's worth, son, because on it there is a picture of a magic to the
03:28Queen.
03:29Italian money, of course, has it on a picture of an Italian bloke.
03:32I can't be chilled.
03:33It's not!
03:34It's not!
03:35It's not!
03:36It's not!
03:37It's not!
03:38It's not!
03:39It's not!
03:40It's not!
03:41It's not!
03:42It's not!
03:43It's not!
03:44It's not!
03:45It's not!
03:46It's not!
03:47It's not!
03:48It's not!
03:49It's not!
03:50It's not!
03:51It's not!
03:52It's not!
03:53It's a picture of an Italian bloke.
03:54And, as a result, it's worth fuck all!
03:56French money commands a surprisingly high amount, given the people depicted thereon.
03:59Australian money, of course, has a majesty on one side, which pulls up the value.
04:02But on the other side, there's a picture of some bloody sheep thief that sends you spiralling
04:05back down!
04:07Like so many meshesmiths.
04:08Governor, that is my money.
04:10And there you have it, Conny, the profs just learned the first law of economics, that
04:13there's one born every minute.
04:16How I wish you had not done that.
04:20Oh, for God's sake, can you just leave me to study in peace, you spunk bubble?
04:26Such a delicate petal.
04:29Why do they all leave?
04:30You're looking a bit down today, Gubb.
04:33Well, yeah, I'm having me problems, yes.
04:35Well, I've lived long enough to encounter any little problem that life throws up.
04:41Oh, right. Well, it's like this, you see.
04:44My wife's just got married to this Marcel geezer.
04:46That wasn't an invitation to tell me about it.
04:50Miserable old bastard.
04:53Ta-da!
04:55Got any lunch left?
04:56Hold on, Terry. You're bad.
04:58I'm sure you're wrong. Something like that wouldn't have slipped my mind.
05:02It is bad. He dressed Gary up as Osama bin Laden.
05:10And called the authorities trying to claim the reward money.
05:14Yeah, that's right. Get out!
05:16But we could have all become millionaires if we'd have caught that Armani Ben Elton bastard.
05:21Jerry, thanks to your information, the US Air Force launched a pre-emptive strike against this pub.
05:26It was only sheer good fortune that the missile went astray and hit the children's hospital for the poor Andal Nutty Kiddies over the road.
05:32I can't let you back in for at least a week.
05:34Well, look, I'll buy everyone a drink. Money, no object.
05:37As long as it comes to under a fiver.
05:39Five pounds? Wow! That's the most money I've ever seen all at once.
05:43Yeah, all right. Just this once.
05:46Ah, cheers, Gov. You're a diamond.
05:49How are things with you?
05:50Not too good, actually, mate.
05:52You see, my wife's on her honeymoon at the moment.
05:54I've just...
05:54If I say, how are things with you, I don't want your life story.
05:59I don't even know how things are with you.
06:02What I want is to see and be served food and drink
06:05and for you to listen to the interesting things I have to say.
06:08Is that not too much to ask?
06:14No, of course not, Terry.
06:16Oi!
06:18Oh, Mr. Brooks.
06:20That's more likely.
06:22All right, you've made your feelings perfectly clear to me.
06:24You see me as nothing more than an elaborate drinks dispenser.
06:26A drinks dispenser which makes these damn useless hands doesn't even work anymore.
06:30You have no more feeling for me
06:33than you do for that useless bloody fact-tunt machine over there.
06:36You remember when the prof won two quid on that?
06:42I was wrong!
06:43You care more about that machine than you do about me.
06:46He's got a point.
06:47I know which fact-tunt I prefer.
06:51I am not fat!
06:55I don't know why I even bother to carry on.
06:58I've often wondered...
07:00Stephen, take the album.
07:06If anyone wants me, I'll be the one with the legs and body sticking out of the oven.
07:13Oh, for Christ's sake, you had to follow me everywhere,
07:17you useless, pathetic little toss-pots!
07:21Sorry.
07:22I can't believe you lot.
07:25How can you treat him like that?
07:27Oh, don't worry about it, Steve.
07:29Time of the month, the chilli sauce is dripping out the furry kebab.
07:33Did none of you appreciate what that man, that fine, humble man, has done for you all?
07:50He gets you out of the house, he keeps you off the street.
07:52Terry, Terry, he's saved your life.
07:59Well, he hasn't done anything for me.
08:01He gave you a job when you were destitute.
08:03Were you a destitute?
08:04I'm not surprised if you didn't make any money, I wouldn't have sex with you if you paid me!
08:10You're a gorgonzola!
08:14That man, slowly gassing himself to death in that kitchen, is my hero.
08:20All I've ever wanted to do with my life is work behind a bar, just like him.
08:25Or be a postman.
08:27Or an archaeologist.
08:28Or work for Riley's.
08:30Or for Kentucky.
08:31Macaw!
08:35Or go on fact hunt.
08:37Or be an Australian.
08:38Or a detective.
08:39Or a ploughman.
08:40Or a shepherd.
08:41Or a celebrity TV chef.
08:43Or a disciple of the new Jesus.
08:45And I, for one, am not going to stand back and let that man die without knowing how much he is loved.
08:52Who's with me?
08:59Right, just me then.
09:01Okay.
09:03Go on.
09:06Go on.
09:07Before you do anything stupid.
09:08Crosby!
09:09Clean this oven.
09:10It's filthy.
09:10I wouldn't be seen dead in it.
09:13Get up, boss.
09:14Right away, boss.
09:15I'd do anything for you, boss.
09:17I want you to know.
09:17I didn't ask for a speech.
09:19Just clean the bloody oven.
09:20Okay.
09:21What's the point in carrying on, eh?
09:23I've got no wife, no boy, no pub.
09:25All I ever dreamed of was seeing my son again, but now that's never going to happen, is it?
09:30Um, go off.
09:31There's someone here to see you.
09:32Yeah, well, tell him to piss off.
09:33I'm busy killing myself.
09:35It was quite insistent, though, that you'd want to see him.
09:37Well, he was wrong.
09:38Oh, go off.
09:39He's come a long way.
09:40He's come from overseas.
09:41Overseas?
09:42He hasn't come from France, has he?
09:43Yeah.
09:44Oh, that's my boy.
09:45My boy.
09:46Do you know how happy this makes me, Connie?
09:48Read my lips.
09:49I don't give a toss.
09:50I'm going to my exam.
09:52Steve!
09:52Come on, my son's here.
09:53Let's go.
09:54Come on.
09:57Crosby?
09:58Oh, sleeping on the job.
09:59You can't.
10:00Come on, son.
10:01Let's take it.
10:02Oh, God.
10:03Snap out of it.
10:04Snap out of it.
10:06Wake up.
10:06Come on, it's my boy.
10:07My son's here.
10:08My boy.
10:08Come on.
10:09Come on, Crosby.
10:11Ah.
10:11Crosby, that gas is coming out of your wages.
10:16Must you, Governor?
10:17Mother me?
10:17We meet again.
10:19Marcel?
10:20You?
10:21You cuckolding French bastard.
10:23Salud.
10:24Salud.
10:25No French.
10:27Applaudez ce que vous pissez.
10:29Salud.
10:29Salud.
10:30No, is it Terry for the beer?
10:32Créez ce que vous chiez.
10:33Salud.
10:34Salud.
10:35Chiez, not salud.
10:36Et bienvenue le vin, Paulet, mesdames.
10:40For the lady.
10:41Go!
10:42The men are equally welcome to enjoy the wine.
10:47No, they're not.
10:48I can't believe you have the gore.
10:53Ha-ha.
10:54Gore.
10:56He's French, you see.
10:57Shut up.
10:58Come in here.
10:59Oh, I've been looking forward to this.
11:01Crosby, hold me back.
11:02Hold me back, son.
11:03Oh, you're just lucky that Steve's holding me back.
11:06Oh, right now, I'd knock that onion off your blood.
11:08Now, get out.
11:09No, I have come, how you say, bearing the olive branch.
11:12No olives.
11:13This is not a wine bar.
11:14What are you doing here anyway?
11:16I thought you was on your honeymoon.
11:17Well, I was, but on my honeymoon, my femme.
11:22My femme.
11:24My femme.
11:25My wife.
11:26My wife.
11:28Vanhoef was a German.
11:30A German?
11:36Oh, a common enemy.
11:38All hostility between us ceases, as usual.
11:42Steve?
11:44Get mon ami, a red wine.
11:46The bloody Hun bastards with their pointy helmets and their penalty shootouts.
11:54Their funny marching.
11:55And their food, boiled cabars.
11:58Hoi, hoi, hoi.
11:58Oh, this is it.
12:00And their beer cellars.
12:01You don't go drinking underground.
12:03It's not normal.
12:04And their mustard gas.
12:05Yeah, mustard solid.
12:07Back off, Berlin.
12:09But you can say what you like about the stinking, filthy, treacherous German Hun.
12:14You have to respect them.
12:16No.
12:16Do not fill my French here with such words.
12:20Yeah, you have to respect them.
12:21You don't have to capitulate quite so often, but respect them.
12:25Because the thing about the Germans is it's all above board.
12:27They're perfectly clear about what their ambition is.
12:29It's world domination, by any means.
12:31But they're telling us about it.
12:32Not like you lot, sneaking around.
12:34I mean, look at the words the French have given the English, eh?
12:38Espionage, sabotage, camouflage.
12:43Fromage.
12:44You're after something.
12:45You know the worst of it?
12:47This German who ran off with my wife.
12:49My wife?
12:49My wife.
12:51He's only a patron like us.
12:53No.
12:54Hence, the governor of Dos Achtung Spitfire.
12:58Our story, we were having our honeymoon in.
13:00One of us, but one of them.
13:03Think of it.
13:03My wife.
13:04You're our wife, collaborating with the Germans.
13:07There was a time when we French would have shaved a woman's head for making ze love with the German.
13:12But the European court banned the practice in 1997.
13:16Cassez-vous, Bruxelles!
13:17It's not summer, it's May the bloody first.
13:24They're the impressionable drunk students I'm going to marry.
13:28Not you, Conny, you hag.
13:30God, I'm so glad it's over for another year.
13:34That exam was so hard, I definitely failed.
13:36Well, I didn't answer any of the questions because I just don't give a shit.
13:38So let's get drinking, get off our faces and get laid.
13:41Hello, darling.
13:42I said you had a beautiful body.
13:46Would you let me slip it in you?
13:49Here, Conny, another bottle of this disgusting red plonk, please.
13:52I'm a bit busy, fathead.
13:54I'm a student.
13:55Tell them on bell.
13:57Back off.
13:58You've already pinched one woman off.
13:59Are you not having another?
14:00Mais le marmellon, c'est magnifique.
14:05Oi, I did French last time, so I know exactly what you're saying.
14:08And although, yes, you are right, I do have magnificent breasts.
14:11That does not give you the right to talk about them in any language.
14:15But do you not find my accent, how you say, sexy?
14:19Uh, no, I don't, how you say, you, uh, twat.
14:23I've lost it.
14:24Il y a un sema.
14:26Ton garçon, please.
14:28So, you're studying medicine, hmm?
14:32Well, if you'd like to come back to my house later on,
14:34I'll give you a very detailed lesson in your own anatomy.
14:38Sounds very good, OK.
14:41So, Stella, do you like chicken?
14:45Yeah.
14:46Oh, me too.
14:47Especially if Kentucky made it.
14:50Shut up, Steve.
14:51I'm doing a clever chat-up line here.
14:55So, you like chicken?
14:56Yeah.
14:56Well, suck my knob.
15:00It tastes the chicken.
15:02But it's just been in a chicken.
15:05Oh, no, I messed that up.
15:07You can still suck my knob if you like.
15:11No, thanks.
15:12It's foul!
15:13Another bottle of red wine, please, Stephen.
15:18You've got a cheek coming back here after what you did.
15:21Running away with the governor's wife.
15:23I know, I am sorry.
15:25Well, sorry isn't good enough.
15:26You promised to run away with me!
15:28You were going to teach me to be a French gigolo.
15:31I couldn't do that.
15:32This barman thing, it's just temporary.
15:34Ten pounds, please.
15:38Oi! Oi!
15:39Slops!
15:39Huh, Greg Thompson!
15:41Quelle?
15:41Pleasure in a tendu.
15:43Oi!
15:44No French.
15:45Now shut up the perriers and tell me where she is.
15:47She ran off with the German.
15:50What?
15:51Am I Connie?
15:52How much pain can one man bear?
15:54No, not Connie, you turnip!
15:56My wife, our ex-wife!
15:58Turnip?
15:59Oh, la, la!
16:01Connie, what have to do to woo you?
16:03Yeah, I've tried everything.
16:04I've tried flowers, poetry, I've turned to God.
16:08I've implied I've got a massive cock.
16:11Mostly implied you've got a massive cock, to be honest.
16:13Well, it normally works.
16:16You mean like to know what they're getting?
16:17But let me tell you, even when I've told them how big the jack-in-the-box is,
16:21there isn't one who hasn't fainted in surprise when he's finally sprung out of his hiding place.
16:26I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
16:30Still nothing?
16:31No.
16:31Worth another go, isn't it?
16:33You give me one option, Connie, my love.
16:35I am going to have to take you by horse.
16:37Oh, look at it!
16:38Oh, God, Fred, put me down!
16:41Stop it!
16:41Yeah, you struggle, that's just how I love you.
16:43Look, Fred, you can't have me!
16:45Why?
16:45I've got a boyfriend!
16:46Oh!
16:47I'll rip his eye and use it as a whoopee cushion.
16:49Oh, what a good idea.
16:52My boyfriend is...
16:55My boyfriend is...
16:56Connie, I love you.
16:58I'm too young to die.
17:01You disgust me.
17:04You disgust me.
17:05Pick me!
17:07Let me die!
17:09Terry, my boyfriend is Terry.
17:13Oh, thanks, Amillipi!
17:15Terry, you have to save me.
17:18She were you.
17:18Oh, yeah.
17:21I love her.
17:25Prove it.
17:26Give him a kiss.
17:28No.
17:28Give him a real kiss.
17:51Oh, yeah.
17:52Yeah.
17:54You're clearly very much in love.
17:57How can I stand in your way?
17:59And although my heart is breaking,
18:01I know how that feels.
18:03I'm off to drown my sorrows.
18:04Alcohol's not the answer, Greg.
18:06Unless you're buying it here, of course.
18:07No.
18:08I'm off to drown my sorrows.
18:10He's my boa constrictor.
18:13It's not been very well.
18:17I've got to save money on the vet bills,
18:18you know what I mean?
18:21Oh!
18:23Oh!
18:24Wow!
18:25Mouth to mouth.
18:28Thank God he's gone.
18:30I think I'm going to be sick.
18:32That was disgusting.
18:35Oh, come on, Terry.
18:36I mean, your pretend disgust has been amusing,
18:38but you must fancy me, really.
18:39I mean, look at me.
18:40I'm gorgeous.
18:40I'd rather kiss the elephant man's trunk
18:44and go through that again.
18:47Oh, right, OK.
18:49Well, um, thank you.
18:51I'm very grateful.
18:52Why don't you have another drink?
18:57Yeah, well, go on, then.
18:58Line them up!
19:00No, you listen to me, Mike.
19:02Just because you can stuff a pistachio nut up your nostril,
19:04it doesn't mean you have to.
19:06I don't know.
19:07Try sneezing it out.
19:08It's not my problem.
19:10Hello!
19:11Hello!
19:12I do the hellos.
19:17Bloody Miss Jackson from the brewery.
19:19Vash!
19:23So, Governor,
19:25is it time to call time for the last time?
19:27Yeah, I suppose so.
19:29Every pub needs a capable landlord and...
19:31Wait a minute.
19:32Marcel, you're a governor.
19:34Why didn't you run the place with me?
19:36You?
19:36Over that stinting, froggy bastard!
19:40No thanks, French wanker.
19:43It would be a great honour to work with you,
19:47mon ami anglais.
19:52To be perfectly honest,
19:56I do not give a flying fuck whose name is a bugger,
20:00so long as my pissing glass is cocking well filled.
20:03I'm coming right up, mon ami.
20:07Oh, man.
20:08What is happening?
20:10No, it cannot be.
20:12Le main de ce patron.
20:15Regarde-moi!
20:16No me regarde-moi!
20:17Regarde-moi!
20:18No me regarde-moi!
20:20Right-de-moi!
20:22Wait a minute.
20:24That's it.
20:25She left you.
20:26All these months.
20:27God, two years is a long time.
20:29I thought my wife had left me because of me,
20:31because of some deficiency in me,
20:32but that's not it.
20:34No, now she's left you as well.
20:36She's left you because of some deficiency in her.
20:39There's nothing wrong with me at all.
20:40It's the way things are.
20:42Wait.
20:42What's that feeling in my chest?
20:44That's it.
20:44It's...
20:45It's self-esteem.
20:47Oh!
20:47I'm back!
20:48I'm back in the saddle!
20:49Ha-ha!
20:50Step aside, you fringe buffoon.
20:52Come on!
20:53Ha-ha-ha!
20:55Terry!
20:57Hey!
20:58Ho-ho!
20:58Stupid old bastard!
21:01Ha-ha!
21:02I'm cured!
21:04You're simply the best, Dad!
21:06Ha-ha-ha!
21:07Shut up!
21:07Better than all the rest, Dad!
21:09Stop singing!
21:10You're better than anyone, Dad!
21:12We call it!
21:13Anyone I've ever...
21:15No, we don't remember that song!
21:17We don't remember any of the things you keep on going on about.
21:20In fact, we had a little chat amongst ourselves,
21:22and we think you make them all up.
21:24Ha-ha-ha!
21:27I just...
21:27I just wanted to be your friend.
21:29Well, you're not, and you never will be.
21:31Now, piss off out of it!
21:33Ha-ha-ha!
21:33Ha-ha-ha!
21:34Ha-ha-ha!
21:37Ha-ha-ha!
21:37Ha-ha-ha-ha!
21:40Ha-ha-ha-ha!
21:41Ha-ha-ha-ha!
21:41Ha-ha-ha-ha!
21:42This is fantastic,
21:43so I can still work alongside you
21:45in some kind of administrative capacity.
21:47No, you can't!
21:49Get out of my pub,
21:50you deformed wife-stealing French bastard!
21:52Get those crippled hands out!
21:54Ha-ha-ha!
21:56And while we're at it,
21:57mustard's yellow!
21:58Ha-ha-ha!
22:02Justin!
22:04It's a lock-in!
22:06From now on,
22:06all the drinks are on the arse!
22:07Yay!
22:09But the drinks have been free all night.
22:10Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:11Yeah!
22:12Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:15You are coming with me!
22:19Go on then, Terry.
22:20Knock them back.
22:24Cheers!
22:25Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:26Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:26Ha-ha-ha!
22:36Ha-ha-ha!
22:36Ha-ha-ha!
22:37Ha-ha-ha!
22:37Ha-ha-ha!
22:38Ha-ha-ha!
22:39Ha-ha-ha!
22:40Oh!
22:40Oh!
22:40Oh!
22:41My head!
22:43What a night!
22:45Can't remember a thing!
22:47My mind is a wank!
22:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:50Oh, God, Terry, wow. Last night, it was unbelievable.
23:01Guess that just goes to show that size doesn't matter after all.
23:05Who told you about that?
23:07Oh, yeah.
23:10You are the man I'm going to marry.
23:14Oh, God, what have I done?
23:18Oh, God.