Features fiercely protective Indian immigrant mother Zarna Garg in action.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #zarnagarg #zarnagargcomedy #zarnagargstandup #zarnagargstandupcomedy
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #zarnagarg #zarnagargcomedy #zarnagargstandup #zarnagargstandupcomedy
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00:00:08I'm not your typical Indian woman this bindi it's a PR thing
00:00:56thank you so much for coming out tonight
00:00:59it's just so great to be here a little about me I'm an immigrant I'm here to
00:01:06take your jobs watch out Jerry Seinfeld no for real for real I am an immigrant I
00:01:17came to America with nine dollars in my pocket yeah 10,000 in the bank but nine
00:01:27in the pocket I'm not your typical Indian woman this bindi it's a PR thing and
00:01:37people ask a lot of questions about the bindi why do you wear it is it a jewel is
00:01:42it painted on it's nothing it's a sticker maybe it's a statement bindi on ready to
00:01:51meet the in-laws bindi off ready for spring break and one question that comes up all
00:02:04the time is do you have to be married to wear the bindi not true but I asked my
00:02:10grandma I was like why does this question keep coming up all the time and she said
00:02:16to me no no no no just tell them any woman anywhere can wear the bindi but
00:02:25married women tend to wear it more because when they wake up the day after
00:02:30the marriage they should know where to aim the gun
00:02:43she was kidding I think so my name is Zarna
00:02:58that's not a real name you see my parents messed up they
00:03:03misspelled it it's as if I got up here and said my name was Melisabeth because
00:03:11Jarna with a J means waterfall in Hindi Zarna with a Z is she's the youngest let
00:03:18the servants name her no no it's okay I had servants
00:03:30and this permanent spelling error from the people who win every spelling bee
00:03:37but I dreamt of coming to America just like Eddie Murphy you know when you're outside this country
00:03:45looking at life in here everything looks so much more fun like people frolicking in hot
00:03:53tubs jacuzzis bubble baths I mean in India you get water in a bucket there's buckets in America too but
00:04:05they're filled with fried chicken a shower doesn't stop here until you stop it
00:04:17people fill gallons of drinkable water in a bathtub and just sit in it because they're sad
00:04:34how can you not love this place I love it here
00:04:43and I worked so hard to come here any immigrants in the house
00:04:51how hard is it right to come here for everyone except the Canadians
00:04:56no there's always one Canadian in the room who's like it wasn't so hard we just drove in
00:05:03not that guy but for the rest of us the brownies really hard to come here the visa the paperwork
00:05:12years of waiting and you get here and you find out that everybody hates everybody
00:05:20the democrats hate the republicans the republicans hate the democrats pro-choice pro-life pro-gun macbook pro
00:05:31by the time I got my green card I was like I'm not so sure about this
00:05:37the only thing everybody seems to agree on is that everybody hates Ted Cruz
00:05:49see he has a purpose
00:05:53so you've heard this expression she's one in a million
00:05:56it's meant as a compliment well I'm one in a billion
00:06:05no really there's a billion of us
00:06:09to us one in a million is so cute
00:06:15see India is 1.4 billion people can you even imagine for context America is 400 million people
00:06:25you have to add a whole billion to that and then ask yourself how pro-life you would be
00:06:40if Americans had to compete with 1.4 billion people for a parking spot
00:06:48every street corner would have a planned parenthood
00:06:54but speaking of the supreme court my favorite
00:07:01my favorite judge judge judy
00:07:06because of her I went to law school
00:07:13but I found out after I became a lawyer that you have to be a good lawyer
00:07:19to be appointed a judge and I was the worst I could never be neutral
00:07:25I would take my own client to the judge and be like your honor my client has robbed the liquor
00:07:31store
00:07:33oh shit no my client has not robbed the liquor store
00:07:38even the judge was like Mrs. Garg do you know what a defense attorney does
00:07:43and I could never keep a poker face
00:07:46I would be like but you and I both know he did it
00:07:55so I decided you know what I'm gonna stay home I'm gonna support my husband
00:08:00I'm gonna raise my kids
00:08:02I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years
00:08:1116 years of being home with the kids full-time
00:08:15I learned something
00:08:16I'm not that into them
00:08:23so I found the only job that keeps me out of the house nights and weekends
00:08:28I mean kids aren't even allowed in here
00:08:32and I have no idea what's going on at my house right now
00:08:37there could be a meth lab
00:08:41but I've been married for 23 years
00:08:46see this is why I love my American audience
00:08:51because here if you're not divorced you're a hero
00:08:58if I say the same thing back home I've been married 23 years they're like so
00:09:06you get married you stay married
00:09:09do you know how marriage works
00:09:11what do you want a participation trophy
00:09:18and we are very relaxed about the whole till death do us part thing
00:09:23because we believe in reincarnation
00:09:28we're like if you're stuck with a complete dud this time
00:09:36then maybe next time you get George Clooney
00:09:44but I have no complaints I'm married to a really nice man
00:09:48we are the perfect Indian couple we do math for fun
00:09:53we take romantic walks in the park and discuss interest rates
00:09:59the last time we refinanced I got pregnant with my third
00:10:14and we have three kids only the oldest boy is important
00:10:20right all the brown boys up front they're nodding right
00:10:24you get that right you're like that's why we're out on a Wednesday night all the oldest ones here
00:10:31what young one is coming out tonight no read the newspaper
00:10:37no we got lucky we have two boys one girl whatever about her
00:10:45hey
00:10:46by the way the whole oldest boy thing is not just an Indian thing
00:10:50look at the royal family
00:10:53that Prince William he's got it made
00:10:57he's going to be king but bitchara Harry
00:11:03he couldn't even get on the british baking show
00:11:10he had to move to california to get any attention
00:11:17but my husband he's a great guy you know he went to a good college has an amazing job
00:11:23he's what you here would call a catch i know this because his mother reminds me
00:11:31every day and you know and he has a superpower i shouldn't be so surprised because back in the
00:11:38day he was a chess champion i know what you're all thinking chess champion sexy
00:11:47so his superpower is logic
00:11:52exactly what do you do with logic maybe if you're stuck in an escape room someday
00:12:00but otherwise what do you do with logic you know it's as if i'm married to clark kent who never
00:12:06becomes superman
00:12:18like if a big bookshelf falls on my head do i really need him explaining to me that i put
00:12:24too much stuff in
00:12:28it or if my check luggage is overweight at the airport i need him pointing out that i took too
00:12:33many towels from the hotel nobody needs logic and you know when i first started doing this joke he didn't
00:12:43like it he's like i don't like this joke i said but why you are my superman he goes how
00:12:51can i be superman
00:12:52they took out all the phone booths where will i change into the costume
00:13:00by the way what do you call an escape room in india arrange marriage
00:13:11so my oldest is my daughter uh she's a freshman this year at stanford university
00:13:20thank you so when she got in immediately i called my mother-in-law to flex
00:13:29like wouldn't you do that wouldn't you brag about this and you know what she said to me my mother
00:13:34-in-law
00:13:34she said to me how good can the college be if it's taking so many girls
00:13:41you see she is what you here would call a cunt
00:13:58but i can't complain about her too much because without her what would i get up here and say
00:14:07what would i say i would be like i'm happy i'm fine i too have self-esteem
00:14:16let's face it without her i would have no act but now my kid is in college and it's all
00:14:23about
00:14:23making friends making friends i was like why make friends when you join doctors without borders
00:14:30and she's like mom be serious i have to make some friends i said okay i'm gonna give you the
00:14:35guidelines on who you can be friends with you cannot be friends with any communications majors
00:14:45no sociology no geology no anthropology what even is that everybody's dead
00:14:54no kids who play music no kids who do drama recruited athletes do i even need to say the words
00:15:05and she's like so i can't have any friends i said i didn't say that did i say that
00:15:10no right i said comp size good engineering pre-med basically all the indian kids
00:15:20and she's like what if i meet an indian kid who is an art major i said that doesn't exist
00:15:28and if you meet that kid get his mother's phone number
00:15:33we might need to check on her she might be about to jump in front of a train
00:15:42so are we all familiar with the acronym stem in education we all know what it stands for
00:15:49what does it stand for science technology engineering math so have you heard about the controversy
00:15:56surrounding this acronym they want to add art to it because the artists are feeling excluded
00:16:07and they want to make it steam
00:16:14what are they trying to do to us do they realize that if you add art to stem there will
00:16:21be no steam
00:16:24do they think that the guy who invented the steam engine ran a puppet show on the side
00:16:34they think they can just disrupt the world order like that how would they like it if we added a
00:16:40spelling bee to the nfl
00:16:54but let me tell you about my 16 year old son so handsome
00:16:58i can show you photo afterwards if you want
00:17:02my 16 year old son recently started walking to school with a girl
00:17:08so i follow them
00:17:13and my husband's been so impressed with me he's like our son is walking to school with a white
00:17:20blonde girl and you don't have a problem with that i told him there's nothing to worry about it's not
00:17:26like she's gonna get into a good college oh
00:17:34ah whatever cancel me i don't care
00:17:43besides the blondes don't even get that joke
00:17:50now my daughter called me the other day and she's like i just met a boy
00:17:55i was like why
00:17:58you're born here you don't need a green card
00:18:06she's like mom he's really nice nice who needs nice we need rich
00:18:15and she's like mom hear me out he's an engineering major i said okay i'm listening
00:18:23he's from connecticut fine go on his mom is the head of development at hbo i said he's got potential
00:18:39so i have a third kid i forget about him sometimes
00:18:44i don't know what to say about him i don't really know him
00:18:51i mean the nanny says he's perfect but in our house we don't use the word nanny we call her
00:18:58auntie
00:18:59because this way she can sit in for us at parent teacher conferences
00:19:05at doctor appointments at college graduations
00:19:11but speaking of college i have to tell you i have uncovered the world's biggest scam
00:19:17did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kids gonna study
00:19:26you all knew this
00:19:30i really thought when my kid goes to college i will call the college up
00:19:35and i will say comp sci one comp sci two go
00:19:40she wants to have some fun i understand that give her one class in chemistry
00:19:49it does not work that way they're so rude they'd hang up on me
00:19:54so i had to call my kid and ask her i was like what are you enrolled in what are
00:19:59you studying
00:20:02are you guys ready for this ceramics
00:20:12eighty thousand dollars
00:20:16to learn how to make clay pots
00:20:19do you know who else makes clay pots villagers in india
00:20:26because they have nothing else to do
00:20:30my kid is in palo alto the epicenter of technology making clay pots
00:20:38why am i being punished ganesh
00:20:43do you know how bad something has to be when the nice white guy in the audience is like oh
00:20:48no
00:20:54and now i have an update on this situation and you guys are going to think i'm making it up
00:20:58i'm
00:20:58not i'm telling you the truth i just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness
00:21:10so she's enrolled in meditation
00:21:16which costs extra
00:21:21while she's meditating i'm gonna go have a stroke
00:21:26i mean i'm an immigrant parent in america it's hard for me to raise my kids here i'll tell you
00:21:31why
00:21:32because here people like to do dangerous things just for fun
00:21:38just for the thrill of it they like to go sliding down mountains
00:21:42fall out of airplanes dive into oceans
00:21:47just for the thrill of it back home when i wanted to experience the thrill i drank tap water
00:22:04now my son wants to go bungee jumping could you imagine my son my daughter whatever
00:22:14and i said no you can't go and he goes why not my friend scott went scott
00:22:26he put a photo on instagram
00:22:29i said scott should go bungee jumping scott has a b in math
00:22:36he has nowhere to go but up
00:22:48you want to put a photo on instagram take a picture of your gpa
00:22:53and you know the other thing that has us immigrant parents really confused is this modern parenting
00:22:59trend in america right now people trying to be friends with their kids anybody know what i'm talking
00:23:05about yeah right i know brown people are like what no it's a thing it's a thing here there are
00:23:14parents
00:23:14in this country right now telling their kids don't worry about your grades
00:23:21don't worry about your job you be happy if you are happy we are happy
00:23:38don't worry be happy who's heard that song you've heard that song that would never be an indian song
00:23:46our song would be don't happy be worried and there is so much to worry about let me share a
00:23:56statistic
00:23:57because i'm nothing if i don't have a statistic for you last year six out of eight spelling bee champions
00:24:05in america were indian our community was devastated
00:24:14they were like 75 percent
00:24:18that's a c
00:24:22a c is for chiropractor
00:24:30that is not a doctor
00:24:34and you know when i make these jokes people ask me they're like how can you be so strict
00:24:38and old-fashioned you're a comedian yeah but my kids don't know i do this
00:24:44i leave my house in scrubs
00:24:55my linkedin profile says mount sinai
00:25:03okay i was kidding about that they do know what i do and it's all because of zoom
00:25:08the last few years i did a lot of shows on zoom how many people here are still working on
00:25:13zoom a
00:25:14little bit right at least zoom was good in the beginning right like you wore your nice shirt you
00:25:19combed your hair you look good then a few months into it you took a little bite on the side
00:25:27then a few more months a little drinky drinky
00:25:34now we're like i'm just gonna take a shower keep the door open
00:25:46so i did a lot of shows for indian families indian events and in those shows i would have a
00:25:53lot of
00:25:53indian uncles now in america we've heard a lot about indian aunties but can we take
00:26:00a minute and talk about indian uncles yes so this is how the zoom would open up with like
00:26:07a hundred little windows and all these indian uncles and them looking at me like this
00:26:16as if to say who is this woman and why is she talking
00:26:21and then while i was doing my set the chat room would be fired up you know the chat room
00:26:26that we
00:26:27could all read including me she's not funny that's not funny okay maybe she's a little funny
00:26:37yeah no you can imagine these indian uncles right walking around with their hands
00:26:46hands behind their back belly protruding out
00:26:50as if they're all doing hospital rounds but really they're just at a garage sale
00:26:58and if you go to dinner with an indian uncle and tip 20 percent they lose their minds
00:27:05they're like oh no one told me i'm having dinner with bill gates
00:27:14so i make fun of indian guys but the truth is they're great guys good fathers great husbands
00:27:21great providers you'll never see them dunking a basketball but they all bought google at the right
00:27:30time no not my husband my husband bought dell because you know who needs money
00:27:41and the indian aunties are not off the hook no kids here think they have it bad they complain about
00:27:48things like they're like oh i grew up in a rough neighborhood greenwich
00:27:54i didn't belong she was mean to me what do you know where i grew up in india with indian
00:28:03people
00:28:05i wish i had white bullies
00:28:08i had scary indian aunties this used to be my birthday
00:28:20pinching cheeks until the blood clots
00:28:24who is 16 today and fat
00:28:30and single happy birthday and it's not like i could say to her who is 58 today
00:28:41and fatter than me but i didn't want to die and now that i'm an indian auntie
00:28:49by the way shout out to all my indian aunties
00:28:56out here online at home because of you guys i'm here today
00:29:09so my aunties will understand this right when we hang out at dinner parties
00:29:13the kids all assume we're talking about them we're not talking about them
00:29:19we're talking about the one auntie who wasn't invited
00:29:26and the kids here are so delicate my 16 year old son so handsome
00:29:35he recently asked me he's like mom are you proud of me
00:29:39i was like proud of you why
00:29:45and he goes because i get good grades i said you get good grades because we make you study
00:29:53we get you tutors we feed you almonds
00:29:59you should be proud of us
00:30:10you're an indian kid who gets good grades that's like a russian mom being proud that her kid is a
00:30:16figure skater
00:30:19right now the best i can give you is that i'm not embarrassed by you
00:30:25and these kids they have no street smarts like you know they come to me for help with their homework
00:30:31and i'm like i don't know anything google it
00:30:34and then he'll be like mom but i have to show the work my math teacher wants to see the
00:30:39work i'm like
00:30:39okay google fake work
00:30:43and my daughter little miss stanford overheard this interaction once and she's like mom how is it that
00:30:50you went to law school and you don't know anything
00:30:55i said i do know something you have a right to remain silent
00:31:06use it the truth is that my youngest my third is actually the smartest of my three
00:31:13i just don't have the heart to break it to him that by the time he goes to college there's
00:31:18going to
00:31:18be no money left i mean i drop hints i tell him i'm like you know what's a great university
00:31:25devry
00:31:28and my husband he thinks he's a comedian now he's like by the time he goes to college we're
00:31:34gonna have no money left you know what's a great place to retire flushing
00:31:42now so i've been married you know a long time and people ask me what's the secret to my long
00:31:47marriage we have a secret it's that we have an understanding if we separate he has to take the kids
00:31:55but i have to keep his mother
00:32:02so what's the point and sometimes we fight i tell him go go take the kids you know one has
00:32:10a tennis
00:32:10tournament and another has a chess game at the same time figure that out mr logic man
00:32:20and one has a peanut allergy i'm not telling you which one
00:32:34you know i get asked if i was arranged i wasn't but my sister was and sometimes i'm jealous
00:32:43because she has a 15 000 square foot house
00:32:48a private plane true story and a dead mother-in-law
00:32:55you know the funny thing about arranged marriages is that they almost always seem to work out
00:33:01like my friend kanika likes to tell her story she's like you think your mother-in-law is bad
00:33:07so it turns out that 20 years ago when she was getting arranged her husband didn't want to marry her
00:33:13he didn't like her but his mother put her foot down and she said no no you can't back out
00:33:19now
00:33:21this match is made we rented the elephant
00:33:27but in a few years if you still don't like the girl you can always set her on fire
00:33:34oh relax they learn to love each other it even became an inside joke you know they argue like all
00:33:42couples and he says shall i get the matches and she says first you'll have to find the kitchen
00:33:59so i met my husband online 25 years ago yeah not the way you guys meet today like nobody asked
00:34:10you up
00:34:13nobody asked what are your hobbies and passions like if he has a job there should be no passions
00:34:21you're back then there were only two genders to choose from
00:34:25and if somebody asked what's my orientation i said my apartment faces south
00:34:33one time somebody asked me if i was bi-curious i said what are you buying i'm curious
00:34:48we were so naive we acted as if there was a matchmaker even though there wasn't
00:34:54like he asked me if i could cook i said can you show me your tax returns
00:35:00he said can you bring some dowry i said can i interest you in some bed bath and beyond coupons
00:35:08so in a way we arranged ourselves and that didn't go over well back home
00:35:13like his mom was pissed off my dad was upset so you know match made in heaven
00:35:20neither side of the family spoke to the other side for a long time we refer to that as the
00:35:25honeymoon
00:35:34period
00:35:35and the thing is that i don't know what's better being arranged falling in love meeting online but i do
00:35:40know that americans are too obsessed with romance like on this one thing the bar is set so high
00:35:49in education solo
00:35:59like happily ever after absolutely calculus you did your best
00:36:11enough with the fairy tales and the happily ever after we don't even want that we don't want happily
00:36:17ever after we just want a 1600 on the sat and an eyebrow threading lady who won't quit on us
00:36:31the aunties love that right eyebrow that's a real crisis but somebody fix it somebody watching this
00:36:36fix this see we didn't grow up hearing things like sweet dreams we grew up hearing make money in your
00:36:44dreams
00:36:47and i got curious i was like is this just an indian thing so one time i asked a chinese
00:36:53mom
00:36:55i said chinese mom
00:37:00do you say sweet dreams to your kids and she looked at me and she said what is a dream
00:37:12see us immigrants we're all the same we're practical people we're so practical that my daughter once asked
00:37:19me she's like mom do indian people even love each other she's like i never see you guys hold hands
00:37:26or
00:37:27kissing do you even you know you know so i told her i said well you are here and why
00:37:38do you think we pay
00:37:39for so many tennis lessons have you ever seen us at a match
00:37:52and indian people only wrote the ultimate book on sex to which she responded we wrote 50 shades of gray
00:38:02no we're practical people we've never even had a candlelight dinner why would we we came to america
00:38:08for the electricity but i love it here now everything indian is hot right now in america have you guys
00:38:17realized that like ayurveda turmeric living with your parents
00:38:32here people bend over backwards to accommodate me sometimes i have to tell them relax don't offer
00:38:39me chai tea you don't know what it is and putting a tea bag in apple cider is not chai
00:38:48tea
00:38:50besides we came here so we could order from a list of nine lukewarm coffee drinks
00:38:56that all day is the same but don't invite me to meditate i'm already going broke on meditation
00:39:06and i have to tell them sometimes i'm like what do you think will happen when you go to india
00:39:10you think you're gonna get ice cubes you think you're gonna get ranch dressing
00:39:21you think you're gonna get a toilet seat
00:39:27where do you think you are the rich sultan you think you're gonna get bike lanes
00:39:34bike lanes they don't have car lanes
00:39:38see new yorkers think they're so tough i tell them go to calcutta for one day
00:39:46new york will feel like a fun little village
00:39:52and you know whoever said it takes a village has never been to a village
00:39:59i remember when i watched a brown comic for the first time you know one of these indian american
00:40:05kids born and raised here and they were complaining about their overbearing difficult to please parents
00:40:12i realized i was like oh i'm who they're talking about you know we have a nickname for these kids
00:40:19we call
00:40:20them a b c d's what does it stand for american born confused they sees
00:40:31what it should stand for is always bitching and complaining dum-dums
00:40:44because god they whine about everything it's like oh our parents made us go to medical school
00:40:52yeah we don't want you working for t-mobile
00:40:58we weren't allowed to go to summer camp yeah and you weren't molested
00:41:09we are not allowed to marry who we want no you can't marry that waitress with a neck tattoo
00:41:16and you didn't even agree to go on one date with my friend's daughter priya kapadia
00:41:23and these kids they think we don't know anything we're so old-fashioned they have a nickname for us
00:41:30they call us fobs which stands for fresh off the boat what it should stand for is full of benjamins
00:41:52because guess who's gonna subsidize the ceramics
00:41:59and we don't know anything we don't know anything it's just a complete coincidence that
00:42:04every ceo in the world right now is indian
00:42:11microsoft google twitter starbucks like and some white guys in there too but i forget their names
00:42:18of course but it's just a complete coincidence you think those ceos chose their own majors
00:42:35you think those ceos spent their summer swinging on a tire
00:42:43you think their parents ever said to them don't worry be happy
00:42:50and what do these kids want us to say to them go be a dj
00:42:56be a youtuber
00:43:00ups is always hiring philosophers start practicing now what can brown do for you
00:43:09but there is one aspect of american parenting that i really respect
00:43:14it's how they handle their gay kids like our community is lagging behind we have a lot of catching
00:43:20up to do you know my cousin's son just came out and that family was not supportive at all
00:43:26they were like not in our household not in this family and i called my cousin up
00:43:32i said you cannot talk to your son like this you're gonna lose him
00:43:39and my husband was so impressed with me
00:43:43he's like your cousin's son is gay and you don't have a problem with that
00:43:48i told him it's not my kid what do i care
00:44:01so guess who stalks me on tiktok my mother-in-law
00:44:06no she really does and i tell her can you not stalk me please
00:44:10she's like i'm not stalking you i go you're only following one account
00:44:17at least follow priyanka chopra patel brother something
00:44:23and you know i go live on tiktok guess who comes on right after me
00:44:28i'm like can you get off i'm going live to talk about you
00:44:35this is just for her you guys feel free to stalk me i'm at zarnagard
00:44:39okay this is just her you know my mother-in-law she lives in india but she comes to america
00:44:48for
00:44:48three months at a time it's like she has her own season winter is coming
00:44:57and when she's coming she'll ask me what can i bring for you and i'll tell her pack a gun
00:45:06bring some cocaine throw some mangoes in the bag
00:45:14i give her such great ideas and yet she breezes past security
00:45:23and she doesn't speak much english so she gets nervous to fill out that immigration paper
00:45:28that you have to fill to enter the country i tell her i'm like don't worry about the immigration paper
00:45:35just check yes on everything
00:45:40are you a communist yes
00:45:44are you a terrorist yes
00:45:47are you bringing fruits and vegetables yes
00:45:52do you think she is on a criminal watch list no she gets a wheelchair and a priority pass
00:46:00the agent at the gate says thank you so much for coming welcome to america
00:46:05i know welcome to america where are the go back to your country people when i need them
00:46:20so i'm hindu you guys any hindus in the house hi homies my people so i'm a reasonable moderate hindu
00:46:31you have to specify that in the world we live in right now it's just not my fault that it's
00:46:37the best
00:46:37religion out there right the other religions seem so angry and organized like christianity confess
00:46:48before you die or else judaism you took an elevator on a friday night
00:46:57no chicken soup for you
00:47:03buddhism so much chanting even the dalai lama is like i heard you yesterday
00:47:11islam they're not gonna go there
00:47:17the hindus are like
00:47:21do the best you can
00:47:24that's why we have reincarnation carpe diem or not
00:47:31so i'm what i like to call hindu light
00:47:35i mean we celebrate diwali but i do take out
00:47:39why am i gonna cook for three days my mother-in-law is not here to spy on me
00:47:45my little one my little son goes to hindu sunday school
00:47:48but i drop him and i go get mimosas with my friends
00:47:54so i'm hindu light but my brother who lives back home he's a believer he goes to the temple every
00:48:02day in mumbai and every day he facetimes me from the temple and he points the phone at ganesh
00:48:10and he says quick ask what you want from god today
00:48:15how sweet right my brother he's thinking about me and i'm a good person i ask for nice things
00:48:23like cure cancer and hunger world peace but every day
00:48:32some days i get selfish some days i'm like how about an air fryer
00:48:42or a comedy special
00:49:04now i've been blessed i have so many blessings i've been blessed and recently i got some great
00:49:10news in my family you guys want to hear it it's gonna make you so happy my 16 year old
00:49:16son so handsome
00:49:19he is now five foot eight and one quarter inches tall
00:49:28this is amazing the average indian man is five foot five inches
00:49:35america made my son taller
00:49:38usually it makes people fatter
00:49:42my husband and i are both short people we used to pray to god that our son should be tall
00:49:48but there is no hindu god of height
00:49:5219 000 hindu gods and not one for the thing every indian person needs
00:50:00like what good is it having all these extra arms if you can't reach anything anywhere
00:50:15but speaking of extra arms and where to put them yoga
00:50:20yoga is a thing now right any yogis in the house
00:50:24yoga is a white people thing now we've we've we've lost yoga to the west it's fine
00:50:31yoga used to be this boring passive activity that people did in their pajamas
00:50:38the hardest pose used to be tadasana and shavasana
00:50:43standing up and laying down basically if you were alive you were doing yoga
00:50:52and then the americans got involved and it became a blood sport
00:51:00i live in new york city i see all these women with their yoga mats and their 200 yoga pants
00:51:07with holes in them
00:51:09and they're always rushing rushing rushing rushing rushing rushing rushing to get to yoga class
00:51:16and if you're rushing to get to yoga class you're doing it wrong
00:51:28and if you kick a homeless man's change cup on the way to yoga yoga can't help you
00:51:38you need therapy or at the very least a drink but since there's so many yogis in the room we're
00:51:46going to do a quick pop quiz okay what's the name of this pose right here
00:51:52warrior warrior two calm down taipei calm down
00:52:01so i just want to know what war are you fighting
00:52:11like north korea is loading up the missiles
00:52:22okay pop quiz two what is the name of that sweaty yoga hot yoga bikram right people love that the
00:52:31people who do that yoga they're hardcore like if you bump into becky who just came out of hot yoga
00:52:39yoga she's so excited she's like oh my god i just love that hot sweaty yoga
00:52:49and she always wants to know do indian people do hot yoga in india
00:53:04it is hot in india
00:53:08and people do yoga but we don't roll the furnace into the room and blow it on our bodies
00:53:25okay pop quiz three what do they say at the end of every yoga class in america
00:53:32namaste right wrong namaste is hello
00:53:39somehow it became goodbye
00:53:44if you go walk into a store in india when you walk in they say namaste not when you leave
00:53:50they're gonna say a lot of things when you leave
00:53:56like if you leave without buying something they're gonna say
00:54:05look who took a shit and left
00:54:09but they're not gonna say namaste
00:54:13but speaking of shit things guns
00:54:18guns are a problem in america right i get asked if guns are legal in india yeah they're legal but
00:54:25they're not really dangerous but the whole country has 15 bullets
00:54:30which the police has to share i mean there's something to be said for living in an impoverished
00:54:36nation i mean who can think of a mass shooting when the house is floating away in the monsoon
00:54:44and here you always find out that the people who commit these atrocities
00:54:48they were a loner they were lonely they were alone but what indian is ever alone
00:54:5712 people share one heart we still don't know how we got to a billion people
00:55:04then you find out that the shooter had mental health issues
00:55:08mental health there's no mental health back home we still have cholera
00:55:18i remember when my husband got his first big job in america
00:55:24it came with mental health days we were so excited even he tried to game the system
00:55:31he's like if i don't need three days to cry can i get overtime
00:55:44another big issue in america abortion
00:55:47that's a big one right big issue i get asked is abortion legal in india legal they have coupons
00:56:05that i crossed the line with that okay all right i made that one up fine although i will tell
00:56:14you
00:56:14when i was pregnant my own mother-in-law said to me and this is a true story she said
00:56:21to me in our
00:56:22family we only get boys i don't know how it happens i was like i have a few guesses
00:56:39takes a minute
00:56:47see one time a comedian asked me how i got here
00:56:50i said i took the sixth train but i'm gonna tell you guys how i got here
00:56:57so when i was 15 years old i was this close to getting arranged and it wasn't to george clooney
00:57:04my sister who lived here in america put everything on the line to bring me here
00:57:11my brothers back home defied my father and helped me escape
00:57:15leaving them behind is the hardest thing i ever did in my life
00:57:21in hindi there's a saying which means fell from the sky got stuck in a date
00:57:30a date a date a sweet piece of fruit so this is my sweet destiny to be a loud-mouthed
00:57:39american woman
00:57:59and you know like all immigrants i'm still torn
00:58:03my heart still beats for india but i love my whirlpool washer and dryer
00:58:11i still start every day with the indian newspaper also because i need the material
00:58:18and there's some things i'll just never get used to in this country
00:58:22like here people love to say i love you all the time and to everybody
00:58:28like i love you in the morning i love you in the evening going to school i love you came
00:58:32home from work
00:58:32i love you empty the dishwasher really love you
00:58:39so much love i hate it
00:58:44i've never said i love you to my husband no it's okay it's only been 23 years what's the rush
00:58:52but if he said it to me i'd know he's cheating on me
00:58:57with a white woman where else would he learn this nonsense
00:59:04and you know we don't use words like sweetheart honey pie love chunks
00:59:16like not even on my deathbed would i use those words
00:59:20on my deathbed i'm gonna be screaming find a job that matches your 401k
00:59:27but i do have a confession to make i have said i love you one time and meant it
00:59:32to an amazon customer service representative
00:59:39right you guys and and my daughter overheard me she's like mom you just said i love you to amazon
00:59:47i said so and she goes you've never said i love you to me
00:59:53i said we don't have that kind of relationship
00:59:59you've never helped me find a package
01:00:06see there's a lot of love in america a lot of love but a little bit of hate too
01:00:12a little bit of racism is a part of living here
01:00:16you know so i recently posted a flyer about a show i was doing and somebody commented that's gonna be
01:00:22a
01:00:22smelly show right so my followers got all upset they're like you can't say that take that back
01:00:29and this guy didn't back down he doubled down he said you can't smell it because you're all indian
01:00:37see because of guys like him we wear so much deodorant we're all gonna get alzheimer's
01:00:47and i'm just gonna address this once and for all it is true we cook with spices it's because we
01:00:53have
01:00:54this thing we like to use called taste buds
01:01:05who here likes butter chicken
01:01:09how good is it right it's so good the british made it their national dish
01:01:14in fact that's how we got the british to leave india we gave them the recipe
01:01:22and we smell let's talk about the food people cook here my neighbor makes salmon every night
01:01:30to me it smells like a rotting can of cat food
01:01:34and let's talk about the beloved hot dog carts every time i walk by one it smells like 50 fat
01:01:42men
01:01:42farted in a sauna
01:01:46but the thing about racism is that we're not as bothered by it as people might expect because
01:01:53we come from one of the most racist countries on earth like we have a color chart back home
01:02:01to determine how light or dark our skin is like i'm a winter wheat
01:02:10as long as i stay indoors
01:02:13if i go out i'm a tiramisu
01:02:18so you guys remember that scandal that happened with megan markle and somebody in the royal family
01:02:25asked how dark the baby was gonna be you remember that somebody the queen
01:02:34when that scandal happened nobody in india could understand what the problem was
01:02:40they were like every indian mother-in-law has asked this question
01:02:46thank god my daughter when she was born she was a cappuccino phone
01:02:52but coming back to the mean instagram guy this guy just kept added with my followers and then he posted
01:02:58holla to allah so i was like first of all i'm hindu so he's not a jeopardy champion
01:03:09second of all being hindu i'm not even allowed to kill a fly which is the only reason he's still
01:03:15alive
01:03:17and then i almost blocked him but then i realized i'm gonna lose all this engagement
01:03:27so you know what i did i took screenshots of all his comments and i posted them on twitter
01:03:34and i tagged salman rashti
01:03:38mindy kaling
01:03:41and the jonas brothers
01:03:50by the time their fans were done with him i had 12 000 new followers
01:03:59good night guys
01:04:10do you guys want to meet the people i've been talking about for an hour
01:04:17so my youngest the sweetest the smartest boy in our family
01:04:23devry university graduate
01:04:26class of 2034 please welcome my little one virgar
01:04:38my older son also known as the important one 16 year old so handsome
01:04:46you know the one who launched my tiktok channel for me
01:04:58my first born stem major
01:05:05ceramics minor
01:05:08the one who saw this comedy career for me long before i did give it up for my daughter
01:05:25and mr logic man himself
01:05:28the man with enough patience to put up with this
01:05:32you know and he takes such brutal oh my people people are mean to me i don't care but like
01:05:39he
01:05:39he takes heat like you carry oh you let your wife do this
01:05:43he's the biggest like of my life
01:05:47my best friend
01:05:49shout out
01:06:05thank you guys this has been amazing
01:06:20so
01:06:20i
01:06:20i
01:06:21i
01:06:21i
01:06:22i
01:06:29You
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