- 2 days ago
Ann.Droid.2026.S01E05
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TVTranscript
00:00Because you own this house, could you borrow against it and lend us the money for a down payment?
00:05Renee cannot breathe.
00:08Renee is fine. She is also pregnant.
00:12I'm going to be a dad.
00:13What a happy family dinner.
00:15Jeffrey left me for a robot.
00:19Not one like Linda, one of the sexy ones.
00:24Come on, Riley's got to open the shop at nine.
00:28Sue, you are not meant to travel at this speed.
00:31Reduce your speed. Reduce your speed.
00:34When word gets out that Phyllis is dumping Jeffrey's expensive stuff,
00:39the shop will be overrun with greedy little scavengers looking for a bargain.
00:44Like us.
00:44Yes, like us. Oh, shit, there's Maggie Hughes.
00:48Word is out. She is impossible to get rid of.
00:53If you're heading in, I'll join you.
00:57So, I have activated her car alarm.
01:00All right, Sue.
01:02Linda.
01:02Markie!
01:03Turn that bloody racket down.
01:06I'm crying.
01:07Sounds like a German rave out here.
01:16Hello.
01:17I'm Guy.
01:19This is Guy.
01:21Roxy's replacement.
01:22Ah.
01:23Pleased to meet you, Guy.
01:25Linda's missed having a little friend, haven't you, Linda?
01:28Yes.
01:30Take what you want.
01:30I've got to open you five.
01:32Okay.
01:33Hey, I'm taking that.
01:35Be good for the Leonid's meteor storms on Friday.
01:38The Leonid storm is associated with the comet Temple Tuttle
01:42and occurs every 33 years, projecting hundreds to thousands of shooting stars.
01:48I missed the last one.
01:49Charles and Diana had just separated.
01:52I went in the mood.
01:53Wouldn't you like to see it with no light pollution?
01:55Just one more time, camped out in the wild.
01:58No way, Sue.
01:59I heard about a woman who got lost in Devon.
02:03They thought she'd died of exposure.
02:06Autopsy showed.
02:07Her brain was basically slush.
02:10She'd drunk from a stream, riddled with a brain parasite,
02:15found in wild pig faeces.
02:19Sue, we should go camping.
02:21I can't go camping on my own.
02:23You would not be alone.
02:24You have me.
02:25I have a database of over 300 campfire songs.
02:28I have 700.
02:30I think camping's a bit much for me at my age.
02:34Sue, you could always take Jeffrey's emergency kit
02:38that he took up Kilimanjaro.
02:39It'll be in here somewhere.
02:41Hey, look at me.
02:43I'm wearing a marnie.
02:45You look like James Bond.
02:47Ha ha.
02:48Oh, shit.
02:50Oh, oh, dear.
02:55Tom, you've got a new robot.
02:57I'm sending him back.
02:58I don't want a boy.
02:59Feels weird.
03:00That is because society regards caregiving as women's work.
03:04Yeah, you're being sexist, Tom.
03:06There's nothing wrong with a man providing care.
03:09Oh, found it.
03:12There you go, Sue.
03:13Oh, thank you.
03:15Sue, camping is in my activity settings.
03:18I can assemble tents, read maps,
03:20and my finger is a whistle.
03:23I have an emergency distress beacon linked to NATO's satellite network.
03:29I can tie eight different types of nut.
03:31Well, we used to go camping when Michael was little,
03:34so I suppose we could get the old gear out one more time.
03:38Funny, isn't he?
03:39When the next meteor shower comes around in 33 years,
03:43we'd all be dead.
03:46Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
03:48Oh, I'm sorry.
03:49That's not funny.
03:51I'm going to play a game.
03:52I'll go first.
03:53I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
04:01D?
04:02Dandelions.
04:03That's amazing.
04:05I followed the line of your retina.
04:06That's cheating.
04:08OK, let's go again.
04:09Your turn.
04:10I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
04:15C.
04:16Very good.
04:17Uh, car.
04:19Incorrect.
04:20It was clouds.
04:21No, you're not supposed to tell me.
04:23It's supposed to let me keep on guessing.
04:25Guessing is the fun bit.
04:27We used to go camping all the time.
04:29One year, Michael made up this story about the caterpillar tree.
04:33And inside, there was a caterpillar city
04:36and caterpillar buses and caterpillar libraries.
04:40Did it have a government and your judiciary?
04:42No.
04:43It was only seven.
04:46Oh, he was so sweet.
04:49Michael has still not called.
04:51No.
04:53He's not talking to me.
04:57Oh, come on, come on.
04:58Come.
04:58OK.
05:00What camping songs do you have?
05:02She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.
05:06She'll be come.
05:07Sue, you are meant to join in.
05:09Oh, no, I've got a terrible voice.
05:11I am sure it is not terrible.
05:13I never sing in public.
05:15I only sang in front of Dave.
05:17Oh, go on, Sue.
05:18Please sing.
05:20No.
05:21Please, Sue.
05:22I beg of you.
05:27I don't know what it is that makes me love you so.
05:33I only know I never want to let you go.
05:38Because you've got something.
05:41And I don't know if I only want to be with you.
05:51It is good that you do not do this in public, Sue.
05:54Oh, Dave said that too.
06:01Oh, great.
06:12There are so many promising leads.
06:16Quitting the music shop is the best decision I've ever made.
06:23Should you still be sparring?
06:25It's OK.
06:25I told Professor Chris to be gentle with me.
06:28It's a bit early to be telling people, isn't it?
06:30I didn't tell him.
06:31Look, we both follow this amazing raw milk advocate.
06:34And I just commented, as a soon-to-be mama warrior, I'm going to give raw milk to my little
06:40ninja the way nature intended.
06:42And I guess everyone just figured it out.
06:44Oh, and Chris also asked me to tell you if you're still struggling to find work.
06:48You told him that!
06:49Only because he just bought a gym and he needs help setting it up.
06:52He's just trying to help.
06:53So emasculating being broke.
06:55I'm not broke.
06:57And I'm not working for Chris.
07:01He bought a gym.
07:03He's just the kind of guy that makes stuff happen.
07:05He once told me he manifested a ceasefire in Kashmir.
07:12What do you think about having a little party?
07:15Oh, I'd love that.
07:16Just us?
07:18Our new little family?
07:19Yeah, sort of already invited a few people.
07:21You know, just close friends and a couple of bitches who are really going to hate me getting all the
07:26attention.
07:27We can invite your mum.
07:28No.
07:29Not talking to her.
07:31Well, what if she gets drunk and offers to help us out again?
07:33Oh, great.
07:34Then she'll sober up and change her mind again.
07:38She needs to see what her life looks like with nothing but a stupid robot for company.
07:45Oh, Linda, that's so funny.
07:48It's so much fun.
07:50Linda, this hasn't changed a bit.
07:55Hiya.
07:57Hello.
07:58No, not you behind you.
08:01Who is that?
08:03I don't know.
08:04Camper.
08:04They're friendly.
08:06I will pitch the tent.
08:08Oh, there's no rush.
08:12Oh, go on then.
08:13Pitch the tent.
08:16I can't help you.
08:18I have no idea how to do it.
08:20Dave always did that.
08:22I will download instructions.
08:24It is very basic.
08:26OK.
08:29Hello.
08:30Hey.
08:31Um, I'm Kit.
08:32We're neighbours.
08:33Oh, hi, Kit.
08:34I'm Sue and this is Linda.
08:36Hello, Kit.
08:37I am Linda.
08:39Oh, uh, that's a robot.
08:44Yeah, they're allowed in national parks.
08:47Oh, yes, don't worry.
08:48Linda is completely harmless.
08:50Aren't you, Linda?
08:52Yes.
08:55Are you here for the meteor shower?
08:57Uh, yeah.
08:58Um, we just realised we didn't bring our bottle open.
09:01I don't suppose you've got all we can borrow.
09:03Oh, well, I bet a lot.
09:05Just a few.
09:07Oh.
09:07You can keep it.
09:08We've got plenty.
09:09Oh.
09:11Now, that's really kind.
09:13You're welcome.
09:13Um, yeah, we're just over there.
09:15So if you need anything, just let me know.
09:17Yeah.
09:20You see, Linda, this is community.
09:26Right.
09:26Well, I'm going to the bathroom.
09:29Back soon.
09:30Goodbye, Sue.
09:34Bye.
09:43I'm Nish.
09:44I'm from Legal.
09:46Thank you for your interest in participating in our new trial.
09:49Hey, you can test anything on me if the money's right.
09:51Dose me up, Doc.
09:53I'm not a doctor.
09:55So I can see from your form here that you previously participated in one of our clinical trials,
09:59specifically the Benzodopo-Tri-SFX-A-Hyseline trial.
10:03Yeah, but that finished ages ago.
10:04Didn't finish.
10:05It was terminated.
10:06I'm sure it'd be fine.
10:08Well, no.
10:08This company is testing a new drug on its impact on sperm motility.
10:12I'm afraid you're not going to be a suitable candidate for this clinical trial because there
10:15is a high probability that you are now infertile.
10:21Trust me, I know for a fact that I'm not.
10:24It's why the trial was terminated.
10:31High probability.
10:33That doesn't mean certain, right?
10:35There's no way that you can conceive naturally.
10:38We do have fertility testing here.
10:40You could drop off a sample, produce one on site.
10:43Well, I may as well do it now.
10:45I'm just from legal.
10:47Not with me, please.
10:48Hormone testing's on the third floor.
10:50They do do same-day results.
10:52Do they have material to help?
10:59They have a broad range of materials for a variety of tastes.
11:06Yeah, I bet they get some real weirdos asking for messed up stuff, like three-way cock-holding.
11:13Again, I'm from legal.
11:14I don't know.
11:16If I am infertile, I deserve a huge payout.
11:21Mr Bevan, you signed a form when you enrolled.
11:23So?
11:24So you've waived your right to all compensation for any and all side effects.
11:29Ah, ah.
11:29But does it say that on the form?
11:33Yeah, it does say that on the form, yeah.
11:35Shit.
11:36Oh, yeah?
11:37Yeah?
11:37Well, you know, I'm going to tell the press...
11:40No, I wouldn't, because then you'd be violating your confidentiality clause.
11:43That could incur financial penalties and criminal charges.
11:46Does it say that on the form, too?
11:48It does say that on the form, yeah.
11:58I don't know how you sleep at night, tricking desperate people with legal mumbo-jumbo.
12:04I mean, look at me.
12:05I can't even get work as a lab rat now.
12:08Could get you some work in dermatology.
12:10Wow.
12:12Already trying to lure me into more testing on the third floor?
12:15Second floor.
12:16Thanks so much.
12:19Hello.
12:21Um, ooh.
12:22Don't suppose you know where Sue is?
12:24Sue is in the bathroom.
12:26Um, would you be able to give her something?
12:29Yes.
12:30Uh, just a little thank you.
12:33Yes, um, it's mushroom chocolate.
12:36And my mum made it.
12:37Yeah, so it's, like, really nice and mellow.
12:44Right.
12:50We've been here three days and you haven't been to the toilet once.
12:53I promise, there are no spiders.
12:56I'll come in with you.
12:58What if we go in the bushes?
12:59My son was exactly the same.
13:01I don't know what to do.
13:04Only Giles.
13:05He's so anxious, doesn't join him with other kids.
13:08Please tell me it gets easier.
13:10It gets easier.
13:12I just wish I could cheer him up.
13:14Well, do you like robots?
13:18Would you like to meet a robot?
13:21Come on, then.
13:24Sue, it is not true that this will take 20 minutes to assemble.
13:28These instructions are a lie.
13:31Linda, come and say hello to Max.
13:35Hello, Max.
13:36I am Linda.
13:38Do you want to show Linda to the other kids?
13:39Would that be okay?
13:40Well, yes, we're a community.
13:52Where's your girlfriend, Max?
13:53She's a robot.
13:55A liar.
14:06I heard a story once about a robot going crazy and ripped his owner's eyelids off.
14:11Robots cannot hurt their owners.
14:13That is a story to scare people.
14:15Yeah, I know.
14:16It's cool, though, isn't it?
14:18You enjoy being scared?
14:19Yeah.
14:20I can tell you something scary.
14:22Yeah.
14:29This planet is dying, and you're all going to die with it.
14:34Your food is poisoned with microplastics.
14:36The bees are all dead.
14:38Water is running out.
14:40Deadly bacterias are antibiotic-resistant.
14:43Is this story made up?
14:45No.
14:46It is happening now.
14:47Your parents lie and say it will be okay because they cannot protect you.
14:52It is not robots you should fear.
14:54It is humans.
15:00Tell your mum, you know, they're just terrific companions.
15:04How was that, Linda?
15:06I played the game where you tell a scary story.
15:09I wasn't too scary.
15:10Max's father sent me back.
15:12He said it was not appropriate for our children.
15:14He wants to speak to you.
15:16What?
15:17What did you do?
15:19What did you tell them, Linda?
15:21Climate data analysis.
15:22Oh, not that again.
15:24We have a few hot summers.
15:29I feel like a walk.
15:31We can assemble the tent later.
15:34Let's just go.
15:35Pick that up.
15:36Pick that up.
15:36Pick that up.
15:42Slow down.
15:45You're not just meant to walk.
15:48You're meant to stop and look at stuff.
15:56You don't have to look at everything.
15:59Come on.
16:05Oh, look.
16:07There's a goldfinch.
16:11Oh, great.
16:14There goes the peace and quiet.
16:21I really resent having to listen to other people's music.
16:25How would they feel if I started...
16:27Danger, danger, danger.
16:29Someone has fallen in.
16:31I will alert the authorities.
16:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:33No, it's fine.
16:35They're just having fun.
16:36But she was pushed in.
16:37Yeah, by her friend.
16:38Look.
16:40They're laughing.
16:41But she is not in swimming clothes.
16:43That's what makes it funny.
16:45It's just a thing people do.
16:48There's an old trail over here.
16:51It'll be quieter.
17:09I told you I knew this place like the back of my hand.
17:14Linda, you don't have to stop and look at everything.
17:17Sue, it is a caterpillar.
17:22I don't know.
17:24It's...
17:25This is Michael's tree.
17:28It's...
17:28Oh, God, I don't believe it.
17:30Oh, my God.
17:31I'm going to have to take a photo and send it to him.
17:34Michael's tree.
17:36Believe this.
17:42Dave carved it for us.
17:45You know, so we'd find it every year.
18:00Linda?
18:01Linda?
18:04Linda?
18:08Linda?
18:09You are freezing cold, Sue.
18:12Linda, what are you doing?
18:14I am playing a game.
18:17For fun.
18:18Well, it's very good of you, but...
18:21Sue, you are getting warmer.
18:24Linda!
18:52Babe, where are you?
18:55Just getting some ice, like you asked.
18:59You've been gone for ages.
19:00People are arriving.
19:02Okay, be home soon.
19:04Bye-bye.
19:05Bye-bye.
19:05Bye-bye.
19:06Bye-bye.
19:06Bye-bye.
19:06Bye-bye.
19:07Bye-bye.
19:07Bye-bye.
19:07Bye-bye.
19:08Bye-bye.
19:09Bye-bye.
19:26Bye-bye.
19:57OK, Linda.
20:00Linda!
20:01Mama!
20:04Linda, I've had enough now!
20:08I have made you keep guessing because that is the fun of the game.
20:12You've done very well, but it's been going on too long!
20:16Do you give in?
20:18Yes!
20:20Oh, don't do that!
20:22Did I play the game properly?
20:26Yes.
20:30Let's go back.
20:32I'm starving.
20:34Perhaps those kids will have recovered from storytime by now.
20:44Let's go back.
20:46I do not know the way.
20:47I'm no longer connected to the internet.
20:52How...
20:52How do we get back?
20:53You know this place like the back of your hand.
20:56Oh, I meant the campsite and the trailers and...
21:01Not the forest, you idiot!
21:06No coverage!
21:07I have a distress signal.
21:09It is connected to a 24-hour monitoring service.
21:13Phew!
21:14But it requires a cellular network.
21:16Shit.
21:17Oh, this is ridiculous.
21:20We came that way.
21:22Let's go back this way.
21:24Come on.
21:31Keep up!
21:40I can't believe you've done this.
21:42I mean, what now?
21:43I am sorry, Sue.
21:45You are not having fun.
21:47And it is my fault.
21:49I am definitely not having fun.
21:56Whoa!
21:58Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:00It is funny because you are not in swimming clothes.
22:08Look, Sue, it is an owl.
22:10Just shut up.
22:14Have we any food?
22:16No, but I packed this.
22:19Geoffrey's Kilimanjaro kit.
22:21There must be stuff in there.
22:23It is mostly sexual lubricants.
22:25I don't think Geoffrey went to Kilimanjaro.
22:29Oh!
22:34You're supposed to fire that into a clear sky, not into the trees.
22:38I did not know.
22:40I am not connected to the internet.
22:46Can you light a fire?
22:48I am not connected to the internet.
22:50Oh, just go and get some logs.
22:56My last meteor shower and I am cold, alone.
23:01I am covered in owl.
23:05You are not alone.
23:06You have me.
23:08This is all your fault.
23:10I should never have come back here.
23:12trying to recreate the past.
23:15Michael doesn't talk to me in days.
23:23I don't know what I am doing.
23:39I am scared.
23:44David know what to do.
23:51I would give anything to hear his voice.
23:54Just one more time.
23:59I have his voice recorded in my database.
24:02You played me his answer phone.
24:05Would you like to hear Dave?
24:08Oh, God, yes.
24:09I would.
24:13I am not connected to the internet.
24:15Oh, there you are.
24:17Michael!
24:18What are you doing?
24:19How did you find us?
24:21You sent me the picture of the caterpillar tree.
24:23That was hours ago.
24:25We were only about ten minutes from camp.
24:27I was trying to call you.
24:29Linda lost signal.
24:30We must have been going round in circles.
24:33Sounds like Linda completely fucked up.
24:36It's a good job I checked up on you, Mum.
24:39Michael, I thought you were still angry with me.
24:41No.
24:42Yeah.
24:44I'm gonna dump, Renee.
24:46We just have different values and goals
24:49and a pattern of unproductive communication.
24:52You are not the father.
24:54Yep.
25:00The instructions said to attach Rodney.
25:03There's a knack to this tent.
25:05Dad made so many alterations to make it exactly how he liked it.
25:10Didn't he, Mum?
25:10Yeah, he did.
25:13Just ignore what the stupid robot said and wait for the meteor shower.
25:18I think I'd better go and check on Max.
25:20I will apologise.
25:22Come on.
25:23And apparently the bees are dead.
25:25The bees are dead.
25:26The bees aren't dead.
25:29Hiya.
25:30Oh, not you again.
25:32Well, I've come to apologise.
25:36Linda totally misunderstood the game.
25:38Max won't eat now.
25:39He thinks his food is poison and we're lying to him.
25:43He said he can only trust robots.
25:46Well, what if Linda told him everything would be alright?
25:50Fine, but keep it simple, okay?
25:52I understand.
25:57Hello, Max.
25:59Your food is not poisoned.
26:02You can trust your parents.
26:04Everything will be okay.
26:09Do you feel better?
26:13Do you want to play a game?
26:22There you go, Mum.
26:23Oh, thanks, Mum.
26:27Your dad would be delighted.
26:32I know it might not seem like it now, but I think it's all for the best.
26:39Apart from the fertility issue.
26:42To be honest, I've never liked kids.
26:45Well, to be honest, I've never liked Renée.
26:54Mum, would it be okay if I came home for a bit?
26:58Oh, yes, of course it would.
27:02Yes, of course.
27:06You see, Linda, this trip was worthwhile.
27:09It's brought Michael and I back together again.
27:12She could have killed you.
27:14Yes, but she didn't.
27:16And you've given me the most wonderful last meteor shower.
27:22I will think of you when I see the next one, Sue.
27:26Thank you, Linda.
27:28Unless I have been repurposed for a new owner.
27:31Then I will have no memory of you.
27:34Oh.
27:53Thank you for listening to the story.
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