- 2 days ago
Ann.Droid.2026.S01E03
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TVTranscript
00:03Mum!
00:08Mum!
00:18Mum!
00:22Michael!
00:23What are you doing here?
00:25I need a go on, Linda. Where is she?
00:27She's charging in the living room.
00:28Hello.
00:29Is everything all right?
00:30Er...
00:31No.
00:32There's an open mic night at the shop to support artists doing new songs.
00:37I put my name down.
00:38Oh, good for you.
00:40Well, Renee's always talking about following your passion,
00:44pushing past your comfort zone,
00:46how Chris is always achieving all of his dreams.
00:48Hello, Michael!
00:50Jesus!
00:51Well, the thing is, my songs are, um...
00:54Shit. They're just shit and stupid.
00:57Then you should cancel.
00:58I'm not cancelling. This is my dream.
01:01Then you should follow your dream.
01:02Look, okay, Linda.
01:04I need you to sort me an original composition with hit written all over it.
01:10I can do that for you, Michael.
01:19I have sorted you out an original composition with hit written all over it.
01:26I will email you the music and lyrics.
01:29Wow. Amazing.
01:32Okay, I've got to get to work.
01:34Wish me luck!
01:35Best of luck, Michael.
01:38Pursuing the dream of a lifetime.
01:42I thought before we got the onions, we could call it the British Legion.
01:46What?
01:47Repetitive routines are unhealthy.
01:49Perhaps today we could do something different.
01:52Oh.
01:52Sorry, I didn't know my life was so boring.
01:55Yes, it is.
01:56I was being sarcastic.
01:59You could try Senior Puzzle Club.
02:01Try what?
02:02Senior Puzzle Club is where the elderly can socialise and do simple puzzles to slow deterioration of brain function.
02:09Linda, if you ever take me to Senior Puzzle Club, I will personally pour yoghurt into your circuits. Understood?
02:20You will personally pour yoghurt into my circuits. Understood?
02:26Maybe you can do something you have never done.
02:29Okay.
02:30Well, I've never gone scuba diving in the Maldives.
02:34I've never flown first class on an aeroplane.
02:38I've never made love to anyone apart from my husband.
02:42But I'm 80, so the chances of that happening are nil.
02:48This question has made you angry?
02:50Yeah, but it was a stupid question.
02:52I will ask a new question.
02:54Would you like to make love to someone other than your husband?
02:57God, no! I'm not a floozy.
03:02Unlike my daughter-in-law.
03:05Good one, too.
03:09Hello, Phyllis.
03:11Geoffrey.
03:12Hello, Linda.
03:14Nice lamp.
03:15This!
03:17This is for one of our rentals that needs rewiring to meet fire safety requirements.
03:23Honestly, we lose money being landlords.
03:26Why don't you stop being landlords?
03:29Her problem-solving capacity is incredible.
03:32That's real lateral thinking, Linda, that.
03:35You are welcome.
03:36We are actually downsizing our portfolio.
03:39We've just closed on one of those pokey little terraces on Portman Road.
03:44That's where I live.
03:44Well, it's taking off.
03:48The gays are moving in.
03:49You're soon going to have a cheesemonger's.
03:51Gay people eat cheese.
03:53Well, we best be off.
03:54We haven't even started to pack for Dorset.
03:57Doing anything fun today?
03:59Well, I'll probably go shopping and then make a casserole.
04:02Oh.
04:03Oh, Sue.
04:05You're missing an earring.
04:07Oh.
04:08Oh, no.
04:10Dave bought me these years ago in Tenerife.
04:13Never mind.
04:14Doesn't look a very expensive pair.
04:18Bye, Linda.
04:19Goodbye, Jeffrey.
04:23Well, Tom.
04:24Looking bright and summery.
04:26We're off to the seaside.
04:27Oh, lovely.
04:28Yeah.
04:29We're scattering me cousin's ashes.
04:31Oh, I'm sorry.
04:32I didn't know he passed away.
04:33Oh, no.
04:34Harry died nine years ago.
04:35You know, I've been meaning to get around to this for a while.
04:38Oh.
04:39Roxy, would you, er, do me neck and shoulders?
04:46Why don't you come too?
04:48Oh, no.
04:49I hadn't planned to.
04:50I hadn't planned to neither.
04:52Come on, Sue.
04:53So it would be healthy for you to be in a new environment.
04:56Linda's right.
04:57You should get out more.
04:58We get out all the time.
04:59I don't mean to the shops.
05:01Come to the seaside.
05:03It's full of raw sewage.
05:04Yeah.
05:05It's not French Polynesia.
05:08So.
05:09It took me years after Gwen died to start doing new things.
05:13I spent so much time caring for her after she got sick.
05:19I forgot how to live.
05:21Tap on.
05:24Choose an outfit, Linda.
05:26We're going to the seaside.
05:27Let's get a dead hurry.
05:32This is incredible.
05:34Michael, come and have a look at this.
05:35Michael.
05:39This piano is 570 kilograms.
05:42Michael, look.
05:44Wow, it's so heavy.
05:45Where would you like me to put it, Mark?
05:47I'll tell you where you can put it.
05:48Put it here for now, mate.
05:51Promise you won't call in sick with back pain?
05:53I promise.
05:53Although I won't promise I won't phone in with a hangover.
05:56Ha ha ha!
05:57Yeah!
05:59You make jokes!
06:00Michael, did you hear Keith's joke?
06:02Yeah, yeah.
06:03But it didn't make any sense.
06:04Like, no one calls in with a hangover.
06:06People call in sick to hide a hangover.
06:08Michael, can I assist you in any way?
06:10Doubt it.
06:10In that case, I will utilise this quiet time to clean the staff toilet.
06:14Why, did you do a massive shit in there this morning?
06:16Ha ha ha!
06:19Thanks, Keith.
06:19Appreciate it.
06:22Keith is the smartest investment I've made in a while.
06:24Yeah, sure.
06:25I mean, yeah.
06:26It's handy to have a walking forklift.
06:28Keith can do way more than just heavy lifting.
06:30He can play over 20 instruments.
06:3226, to be precise.
06:34I thought you were cleaning the toilet.
06:35I finished.
06:36I also play all 26 instruments to a grade 7 level.
06:41So what?
06:43I mean, you have no idea about how humans connect with music.
06:48I mean, I remember listening to Dark Side of the Moon for the first time.
06:53I remember saving up to buy a ticket for ACDC.
06:57I mean, it's a language, you don't speak it.
07:00Sup, you're good?
07:01Yeah, I'm looking for a cheaper version of Hester Chambers' guitar.
07:06Who?
07:07Hester Chambers, from English indie rock band Wet Leg.
07:10He only knows that because he's a robot.
07:12I love their surreal style.
07:13He doesn't love anything.
07:14He's a robot.
07:15Look, look, just because I didn't know the name of the band, it doesn't...
07:19Michael, let Keith do his job.
07:22Hester Chambers plays our Hoffner 173.
07:24He's hands been in the toilet.
07:32You certainly have excellent ASAP.
07:35Yeah.
07:43Yes.
07:45Thank you, Linda.
07:51D-A-N-G.
07:54D-A-N-G.
08:17Linda, Roxy, come join us!
08:24Want to say a few words, Tom?
08:28Oh, okay.
08:33Uh, Harry was, um, uh, five foot ten.
08:44Um, oh, he looked wet, wet, wet.
08:48He had three of his albums.
08:52Um...
08:54Either of you want to say something?
08:56We never met him.
08:57Five foot ten's a good height, no?
09:05Linda, have you got any funeral speeches?
09:09Yes.
09:10Do not go gentle into that good night.
09:12Old age should burn and rave at close of day.
09:17Rage.
09:18Rage against the dying of the...
09:20Have you got something a bit more upbeat?
09:23Yes.
09:25Cousin Harry knew how to party.
09:27He had a taste for racy cars and even racier women.
09:32Actually, Harry was gay.
09:34He was very shy.
09:37He died of loneliness.
09:39Oh.
09:40Apparently, the body just shuts down when it's not being touched.
09:47Linda, maybe a few comforting words?
09:51Yeah?
09:51And a little light music?
09:53Yes.
09:55Do not stand by my grave and weep.
09:58I am not there.
10:00I do not sleep.
10:02I am the thousand winds that blow.
10:05I am the diamond glints on snow.
10:08I am the sun on ripened grain.
10:11I am the gentle autumn rain.
10:14When you awaken in the morning's hush,
10:16I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
10:22I am the soft stars that shine at night.
10:26Do not stand by my grave and cry.
10:29I am not there.
10:31I did not die.
10:33But I am not there.
10:48I am not there.
10:53one day you're buying your wet wet wet albums and before you know it
10:57three strangers and their robots are scattering your ashes over raw sewage
11:05perhaps the funfair will help elevate your mood
11:08that's a great idea carpe diem
11:11well maybe i'll make my casserole tomorrow
11:14that's the spirit
11:23it's changed a bit
11:25right everybody get your laughing gear around that
11:28i just love funfair food
11:31it's actually quite nice
11:33i'm thinking of taking roxy on the roller coaster
11:37i'm not getting on one of those bloody death tracks
11:40not after what happened to that swedish woman
11:45she'd flown 28 hours to get to a fun park in florida
11:48gets on a roller coaster
11:50it derails
11:52safety bar goes right through her
11:55skewers her
11:56like a shish kebab
11:58i think i've chipped one of my teeth
12:00bled to death
12:01that is why
12:03you should never remove impaled objects
12:09oh my god
12:11oh my god
12:14it's a toenail
12:15give it here i'll take it back you might give it a free one
12:18why would i want another hot dog from them
12:21so you are unhappy again
12:22there was a toenail in my hot dog
12:27i'm ready for a ride
12:28don't you go on a ride roxy
12:29yes
12:31so is it time to go on a ride
12:33oh i can't face the queues
12:35the bigger the queue the better the ride
12:37isn't that what they say roxy
12:39no
12:40see
12:41come on let's take the road
12:44other funfair activities
12:47coconut chai
12:48ghost train
12:49hooker duck
12:50oh isn't she sweet
12:55Michael used to love getting his face painted when he was little
12:58so you could get your face painted
13:00oh that's for children
13:03or wankers
13:04i'm a bottle of wine
13:07so there is no queue for this ride
13:10fortune teller
13:11dave and i went to see the fortune teller when we were first courting
13:15god that must be
13:18over 50 years ago
13:19would you like a ride on a fortune teller
13:22sue
13:23you shouldn't meddle with the dark arts
13:25my friend lynn bacon
13:27she got herself a ouija board
13:29a succubus
13:31attached itself to her aura
13:35i think it might be fun
13:37all right
13:38get your hot dog and cone
13:39now
13:40shoot yourself
13:40tom's right
13:41they found to give me a free ice cream
13:44come on
13:46come on
13:46come on
13:54oh
13:55ow
13:56linda have you
13:57got a torch or something
14:00shit
14:01linda lights off
14:05thank you
14:10cross my palm with silver
14:13oh how much
14:1420 pounds for 10 minutes
14:1750 pounds for
14:1820 pounds
14:19you want communion with the astral realm or not
14:22better be top shelf communion
14:30now give me your hand
14:41do you go to the optician
14:45i'm 80
14:47so yes
14:48you'll be going again
14:51soon
14:52so she is correct
14:53shh
14:54you're a mother
14:55of a daughter
14:57no
14:58three sons
14:59no
15:00son and a daughter
15:00no
15:01two daughters
15:01no
15:02who's margaret
15:03i don't know
15:03are we going to do this for 10 minutes
15:08i am sensing
15:11you are disappointed
15:14yes i am
15:15you're often disappointed
15:17by life
15:21yeah i guess
15:23yeah
15:23you weren't always like this
15:26no just the last few years
15:31you used to be fun
15:33i am fun
15:34but are you
15:35yes i'm fun
15:36tell her linda
15:37sue is fun
15:38in what way
15:43sue is fun
15:46is this all part of the 10 minutes
15:48yes
15:48well that's not fair
15:50you're charging us by the minute
15:52we have been arguing whether sue is fun for 19 seconds
15:56and now 20
15:5721
15:57shh
15:58i'm getting something
15:59it's a male energy very dear to you
16:03i can see a car
16:05and the collar
16:08yellow
16:15my dave had a yellow ford when we first met
16:19he says he'll send you a sign
16:21what kind of a sign
16:24what kind of sign
16:29he says that's a great question
16:31and he needs time to think
16:42is this part of the 10 minutes
16:45i can't make him think faster
16:58doing anything fun this weekend
17:01i've got tickets to hamilton
17:03we will probably watch strictly
17:05we watch strictly
17:07shh
17:07he says
17:09you've lost something
17:11but don't worry
17:12you'll find it
17:13sue you have lost an earring
17:15where will i find it
17:16he says
17:18it will be in the last place you look
17:21yes it will be in the last place she looks
17:23shh
17:24he says
17:27let go of the past
17:30remember the happy times
17:32and try new things
17:37and
17:39open your heart
17:41to life's wondrous possibilities
17:47dave said wondrous
17:49i'm paraphrasing
17:52will you tell him
17:55i'm trying
17:57of course
18:01she's trying
18:03oh my god
18:05is that the michael bevan
18:08whoo
18:09just had my tears
18:11stop
18:13how was um how was sound check
18:15oh yeah um smashed it
18:17i met uh some of the other acts
18:20they're uh young
18:22well i just wanted to give you a good luck charm
18:26for tonight
18:26oh
18:27thank you
18:32wow
18:32it's
18:34it's beautiful
18:35this last week
18:36seeing you prepare for this gig
18:38i've never seen you this excited and enthusiastic
18:41really
18:42i'm proud of you
18:44i'm proud of you
18:44forming your own original material
18:46it takes guts
18:48i don't know what i was so scared of
18:51i should have done this so much sooner
18:53well you're doing it now
18:55you are making your dreams happen
18:57yeah
18:58chris talks a lot about that at training
19:00pursuing a career in music is a bit harder than teaching martial arts
19:04well
19:04yeah they're both dreams
19:06they're my dreams heaps harder than chris's dream
19:08michael
19:09holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die
19:15that is such a good quote
19:18who said that
19:22it was chris wasn't it
19:25yeah well i should uh
19:27i should practice
19:28okay
19:29leave you to it
19:30yeah
19:30and wait aren't you gonna put it on
19:33hmm
19:36oh yeah
19:38yeah
19:38yeah
19:48oh
19:48you look like enrique iglesias
19:52who
19:53you look hot
19:55i'll be watching you
19:59don't take it off
20:12linda do you believe there's an afterlife
20:14the existence of an afterlife is an issue of belief rather than proof
20:18i got us free ice creams
20:21don't worry i checked them for toenails
20:23linda hold this
20:27see what does ice cream taste like
20:29it's delicious
20:30so
20:32what did the fortune tell her say
20:34she said a lot of things
20:36i think i just really wanted some sort of sign from dave
20:41yeah
20:41she said anything about sinkholes
20:44she's right
20:46dave would want me to keep trying new things and be
20:51happy
20:51yeah
20:52what about megaviruses
20:54she was also correct that you are going to the optician soon
20:58yeah
20:58she's saying anything about roller coasters derailing
21:02oh
21:03sue you just had an adrenaline spike
21:06you are afraid of roller coasters
21:08yes very
21:09you should be
21:10have you ever been on one
21:11god no
21:12they're death traps
21:13they really are
21:14the odds of being injured on a roller coaster are
21:17one in
21:1924 million
21:20wow
21:23so this would be an opportunity to try something new
21:26and fun
21:33we're coming with you
21:35they're talking about to save their place
21:37what are you on about
21:38here we go
21:39give over
21:46thank you
21:48oh
21:52i am proud of you so
21:55are you having fun
21:57oh
21:59fun mode activated
22:21doesn't look like this can be salvaged though does it
22:23do we now scatter roxy on raw sewage
22:26no linda
22:27do we throw her in the bin
22:28there is a bin over there
22:30linda
22:30shush
22:31i had no idea roxy weighed so much
22:33don't feel bad
22:34it's not your fault
22:35the sign said it is the robot owner's responsible
22:37linda
22:38there were signs everywhere
22:40linda mute
22:40what if i die like harry did
22:43roxy was the only one who touches me
22:45oh
22:45what is wrong with you
22:47i don't mean like that
22:49well
22:49i
22:50i could touch you
22:53sometimes
22:56yeah well
22:58maybe not
22:59not he knew exactly
23:00how i like my tea
23:01what time i go to bed
23:03time i like to be woken up
23:07my favourite strictly judge
23:09surely
23:09no
23:10craig
23:11he's brutal but
23:13how else are the dancers going to learn
23:17that was sluggets
23:21sluggets everybody
23:22okay to close this section
23:24we've got an artist you'll definitely recognize
23:26from the till
23:30one of off the scale's own
23:32michael bevan
23:33what i tell you i can't do this
23:35go and start a fire in the toilets
23:38you're making your dreams come true
23:40now go
23:42michael bevan
23:48thank you thank you
23:55it's not easy
23:56it's not easy being an artist
23:58you spend most of your time
24:00feeling like shit
24:02and
24:03and
24:03and then there's this
24:04technology
24:05replacing us
24:06because it's faster and cheaper
24:07to steal from humans
24:09yes
24:10i believe
24:11in people
24:14i believe
24:15there are things within us
24:16that cannot be mimicked
24:18or stolen
24:19or
24:19learnt
24:20by algorithms
24:21for financial gain
24:25i wrote this song
24:27for
24:27someone
24:29someone very special
24:33my wife
24:34renee
24:34you're the reason
24:35i do what i do
24:36babe
24:41i want to dedicate this song
24:45to anyone out there
24:47creating
24:53this song
24:54this song
24:55came to me in fragments
24:56and then
24:58the fragments came together
25:00and
25:00they spoke to me
25:04like
25:06sorry
25:07like the
25:10like the memory of a dream
25:16where is the moment
25:17you need it the most
25:22you kick up the leaves
25:24and the magic is
25:27Keith
25:27it's that bad day
25:29by Daniel Pauter
25:49look i asked linda for an original song
25:52and the stupid idiot gave me an original song
25:55by Daniel Pauter
25:58yeah
25:59you're always banging on
26:01about being bold
26:02and chasing your dreams
26:03and
26:04this last week
26:06i realised
26:08i'm shit at this
26:10do you
26:11have any idea
26:13how soul destroying
26:14it is
26:14to realise
26:15that you can't do
26:16the one thing
26:17you've always wanted to do
26:22no
26:24i'll never play
26:25Wembley
26:26i'm never gonna have a number one album
26:29i'll never be good enough for you
26:31wait
26:33so this was entirely about me
26:35well yeah
26:38and also me
26:40that is really hot
26:43you're not embarrassed
26:44no
26:46i'm not
26:47here's one i pretended to write earlier
26:51good one
26:52eat
26:53eat a turd
26:54eat a turd
26:55eat a turd
27:02don't be so disgusting
27:05he's amazing
27:09amazing
27:11all right love
27:12yeah
27:12i'll do that
27:13i will
27:14nighty nighty then
27:16linda it's michael
27:20hello michael
27:22yes
27:24yes
27:25i understand
27:26i am a dipshit
27:28who cannot follow basic instructions
27:29and should be smelted for my metals
27:31good night michael
27:34okay
27:35right
27:36well i'm going to bed then
27:38tom can purchase another roxy
27:40the t68 forward slash 700
27:43is an affordable model
27:45i think he might need a bit more time
27:47humans
27:48we get attached to things
27:50that's why we find it so hard to let go
27:54i know it's difficult to understand
27:55because you're never going to die
27:57but
27:57yes but i will never get to taste ice cream
28:01good night linda
28:03good night sue
28:05don't forget to take your tablets
28:14you
28:14don't forget to take your tablets
28:37and you
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