- 2 days ago
Ann.Droid.2026.S01E01
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00We all worry about looking after our loved ones as they get older, but at Querik Medical,
00:05we've developed a diverse range of compassionate, reliable and attentive care support humanoid
00:10workers to offer round-the-clock home care at an affordable monthly subscription.
00:15Each robot is unique whilst meeting British robot safety standards,
00:19and if your loved one would feel more comfortable with a familiar face,
00:23we have a variety of robots who look identical to beloved personalities.
00:29Haven Comfort, for companionship, independence, and peace of mind.
00:33Temptions of life, do not take responsibility if you're in one attack or do second you.
00:37Ah, I'm sorry darling, take your dirty foot off the bed.
00:40Your fortunate is just a sprained wrist cause I fall at your age.
00:44Didn't fall. I fainted. I've had low blood pressure faints the whole of my life.
00:49Well, you're lucky like Plucky, you never smashed your head on the corner of the coffee table.
00:54Or land teeth for us on the iron doorstep. Or fall down the marble staircase.
00:59What, the marble staircase in my two-bed terrace?
01:02The home environment can be little at your age, you know.
01:05Hey, don't joke with it. Now, in terms of recovery, you're going to need help.
01:10You live with anybody?
01:11Yeah, I live with my son Michael and he should be here any minute.
01:15Is it? Well, it's taken a long time.
01:19Look, love, does Michael really exist?
01:22Mum.
01:23Oh, Michael, where the hell have you been?
01:25Um, how did you fall?
01:28I fainted. And apparently I'm very lucky I didn't fall in a fire or a hornet's nest.
01:33You can pick up our pain relief prescription at the reception.
01:36Look what I have for you.
01:41If she's going home, I'm going home.
01:44Mr. Thomas, we cannot send you home upon your horn.
01:47And if you weren't going to assist it...
01:49I don't belong in a care home. I mean, look at me. I can lift the bed.
01:55Oh, what a backside. Lyle!
01:59Here we are. All right. Oh, I've just got to take this.
02:08You go through to the kitchen. It's just about the, um, the broadband, the, um, the gigabyte,
02:14the, um, the transponder. Lovely.
02:17Hello, babe. Yes, I'm home.
02:23No, no, I haven't told her yet. She's just had a fall.
02:26I'm not, I'm not delaying it. It's just, it's just a difficult conversation to have.
02:34That's hurtful. I'm not a nappy-wearing breastfed emperor baby.
02:45Mum. I don't like to pester. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
02:50I just haven't had time to plant it. I got it. I know, I know.
02:54August 16th. Yeah. It doesn't seem like two years, does it?
03:00It's still... everywhere.
03:03It's called a David Rose. That's why I chose it.
03:06I will get round to it. I promise.
03:11I want you to know that I know how lucky I am that you're here.
03:16Going through this alone would just be awful.
03:27Okay, um, so, um, I was late picking you up because I was with, um...
03:38Renee. I was with Renee.
03:42She's changed. She's getting therapy.
03:45She's getting therapy because she cheated on you with her karate instructor.
03:52Yes. She's making real inroads with that.
03:56And it's BJJ. Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
03:59Well, as long as you don't do anything stupid. Like, move back in with her.
04:07Oh, you back!
04:09I still love her, Mum.
04:10How can you be sure she isn't still cheating on you with her karate instructor?
04:14She told me.
04:16And... and...
04:17It's Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. It's a...
04:20It's a lot more lethal than karate.
04:23I'm 42. I'm... I'm not meant to be with my mum on a Saturday night watching Michael McIntyre.
04:31You were cackling at Michael McIntyre's jokes about buffets. Cackling.
04:35I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were having such a bad time.
04:39Mum, look, I can't just leave my wife and look after you the way you looked after Dad.
04:46That is very different.
04:48Your dad was very, very sick.
04:53And I don't need looking after.
04:57Well, I'm... I'm sorry.
04:59I just have to start building my own life and... and stop being a...
05:05nappy-wearing, breastfed emperor baby.
05:10Are you going to eat that?
05:12No.
05:19It's got bits of plate in it.
05:24It's got bits of plate in it.
05:25Could you please make me another one, Mum?
05:26Okay, I don't need to hear you.
05:33Make it up. Make it up.
05:38Sue!
05:40Oh, shit.
05:42Sue!
05:43Sue!
05:45Sue!
05:45Hello, Phyllis.
05:46Oh, dear. I heard about your fall.
05:49Oh, it wasn't a fall. I fainted. I've had low blood pressure all my life.
05:54Oh, look at you. You can't even carry your tray. Let me help you.
05:57No, I don't need help.
05:59You're injured. There we go.
06:02Oh, it is lucky Michael lives with you and can help. Otherwise, you would be all alone.
06:08Yes, he's a real godsend.
06:09Because you don't have any grandkids, do you?
06:12At least you get to spoil your one and only child.
06:16Trudy, I ordered your toasty on wholemeal bread for your bowel health.
06:23Imagine needing one of those ghastly things.
06:26I've heard stories that would curl your toes, turning on their owners, spying on them.
06:33And some people are doing things with their robots that they really should not be doing.
06:42Yes. We are so lucky.
06:47I mean, I have my daughters, all my grandchildren, and Jeffrey, and you have Michael.
06:55Oh, my God.
06:57What?
06:57That woman over there has just grabbed her robot's penis.
07:02Oh, really?
07:21Do you want some lunch before you go?
07:24No, no. I've eaten. Thanks.
07:25You know, Michael, if you were in a good relationship, I'd be very happy for you.
07:31What's that on your neck?
07:33Hmm?
07:33It's a rash.
07:35Oh, no, no. It's nothing.
07:37Apparently, it's a totally normal side effect.
07:39Of what?
07:41Oh, I did some clinical trials.
07:43It's only five days. Really good money, though.
07:46Sounds dangerous.
07:47Mum, if it was dangerous, do you really think the drug companies would do it?
07:52Oh, now, the whole reason I did it was because I wanted to buy you a present.
07:57Now, I want you to be safe, and if you fall again, I'm not going to be here, so...
08:04No. You got me a robot.
08:06Hey, you're Michael Bervin.
08:08Take it away, please. I don't want it.
08:10She does want it. Bring it in.
08:12Mum, I've already paid the deposit.
08:13What's there?
08:17Oh.
08:20Oh, what?
08:28Ooh.
08:30It's...
08:30Fragile.
08:35Oh, yeah.
08:36Oh, Christ.
08:40Oh.
08:42Oh, yeah.
08:47I've forgotten how heavy these models are.
08:50Oh, yes.
08:51Let me help.
08:54That's enormously helpful.
08:57Welcome to your Android Z58 forward slash 100 basic cam model.
09:02She's very easy to operate.
09:04Does have a few dings and scuffs.
09:06After all, she is pre-loved.
09:08Pre-loved?
09:09Secondhand.
09:10Yep.
09:11A little more than second, but, hey, that's why she's such a bargain.
09:15This was a very popular model back in the day, in spite of some...
09:18some pretty catastrophic teething errors.
09:20Problems that have all been resolved.
09:25Yes.
09:27Okay, so you've got a 24-month contract.
09:31Your 48-hour trial period begins when you switch her on.
09:35You absolutely cannot have sex with this model.
09:39Sure.
09:39Finally, I'm just going to need a signature at the bottom.
09:44Okay.
09:44Okay.
09:45Lovely.
09:45Okay.
09:45And can I please also just get a photo?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:49Mum.
09:49Mum.
09:50Can you...
09:51Oh, no.
09:51It's not...
09:51It's not a fa...
09:52Okay.
09:53Oh.
09:54Lovely.
09:55Great.
09:57Well, enjoy.
09:58Enjoy.
09:59If you have any problems, issues, there's a number on the back.
10:03Er...
10:03The call centre is open 1 till 2pm on Saturday.
10:08That's the third Saturday of every month.
10:10Have a lovely time.
10:11Enjoy.
10:15So, if you need someone to talk to, er, or she can help with shopping, cleaning...
10:21Why couldn't I just have a carer?
10:23A human.
10:24They cost a fortune.
10:26And...
10:26What if you fall on their day off?
10:29This is 24-7.
10:30Philly said they spy on you.
10:32What happens if they drain my account?
10:36Who?
10:36I don't know.
10:38Mum, this means that you can stay in your home.
10:43I don't want it.
10:44Look, how are you going to manage?
10:45You don't even drive anymore.
10:48Oh, sorry.
10:52Hi, babe.
10:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:54Just leaving now.
10:56Yeah, it's arrived.
10:59She loves it.
11:00She's so happy.
11:03Er, what's it look like?
11:06Er...
11:09It's just a woman with enormous dead eyes.
11:12No, it's not better looking than you.
11:15You're the most beautiful woman in the wo...
11:19Hello?
11:20Babe?
11:24Just give it a go, Mum.
11:3048 hours.
11:32Bye, Mum!
11:56Oh, Jesus Christ!
12:06Oh, I can't do this!
12:17Oh, I can't do this!
12:28I've been so excited since Deidre Taylor got a kidney cyst.
12:31I...
12:32I fainted.
12:33You've always had low blood pressure.
12:35Thank you!
12:36Sally died.
12:37Sally Harris?
12:38Nah, huh?
12:39Sally Whittle.
12:40Oh.
12:40Sally Harris is dying.
12:42Sally Whittle is dead.
12:44Oh.
12:45Do you fancy a cuppa?
12:47Nah.
12:48I'm really busy.
12:49Of course I've got time.
12:51I'll make you one and all my friends are dead.
12:53Heh.
12:54I'm never going to plant this rose.
12:56Nah, just leave here.
12:58Good job you've got, Michael.
13:00Oh, he's moved out.
13:03Back to the cum, Boosla?
13:05Yeah.
13:07Oh.
13:08Balls to this.
13:10Probably for the best.
13:12Bit old to be at home with Mummy.
13:14Bit Norman Bates.
13:16I guess so.
13:19I just feel...
13:21alone.
13:22Well, being alone all my life is not that bad.
13:25Unless you die in a heat wave.
13:27Like my uncle Nelson.
13:28He was so bloated by the time they found him.
13:31He'd trebled in size.
13:32And he was no swimsuit model to start with.
13:35Yeah, what's this?
13:36Oh, Michael got it for me.
13:38Because he felt guilty about leaving.
13:40Oh!
13:42Let's switch it on!
13:43No, no, no, don't.
13:45I mean, I'm sending it back.
13:46You're still sending it back.
13:48Come on, aren't you curious?
13:50No, I'm not, actually.
13:52Oh.
13:53I mean.
14:01Thomas has got a button at the back of the head.
14:08Hello.
14:10Hello.
14:11Bonjour.
14:12Bonjourno.
14:13Konnichiwa.
14:14Guten Tag.
14:16Hello.
14:17You have chosen...
14:18English.
14:20Now tell me your name by saying it into my face holes.
14:23I can't do the signing.
14:27Sue, Sue, Sue.
14:28Nice to meet you.
14:30Sue, Sue, Sue.
14:32My name is Android.
14:33I'm a Z58 forward slash 100 robot carer.
14:37But you can name me something more memorable.
14:39Please say the name you'd prefer.
14:43Uh...
14:43Linda?
14:44Hi.
14:45Sue, Sue, Sue.
14:47My name is now Linda.
14:50My sister's name.
14:52Oh, that's lovely.
14:53I hate my sister.
14:58What's it doing?
14:59What is it doing?
15:00What is it doing?
15:02What is it doing?
15:02I don't know.
15:03Oh, my God.
15:04It's...
15:05Oh!
15:05What is it doing?
15:06I'm just putting lasers in my eyes.
15:09Imprinting.
15:10Imprinting.
15:11Imprinting.
15:12Imprinting.
15:13Imprinting.
15:14Imprinting.
15:14Imprinting.
15:15Retina scan complete.
15:17I have uploaded your full medical profile.
15:20I thought it had turned on you and was trying to set fire to your brain.
15:24Right.
15:25Let's get back to the shop.
15:27Don't.
15:28Don't.
15:28Don't leave me alone with it.
15:30I can't stay here and play with your robot.
15:33Got to get back to work.
15:35Text me if it starts attacking you.
15:47I just don't want to be on my own with it.
15:50It's creepy.
15:51I mean, look at it.
15:53What is that?
15:55Oh.
15:56I found it in donations.
15:58What do you think?
15:59I see.
15:59You're right.
16:00Can't talk to you with that on your head.
16:01Tom.
16:02You look like an idiot.
16:04Hmm.
16:04Sue's just got a robot.
16:05She's terrified of it.
16:07Oh, wow.
16:08I had no idea that androids were still being used.
16:13I thought we'd be forced to decommission them.
16:16Roxy, would you like to speak to a vintage robot?
16:20Eh?
16:21I sure would.
16:22Yeah.
16:22Go on.
16:27Hi.
16:28I am Roxy.
16:30I help Tom.
16:32Hello.
16:33I am Linda.
16:34I help Sue, Sue, Sue.
16:37It is nice to meet you, Linda.
16:39It is nice to meet you, Roxy.
16:42I like your top.
16:43Thank you, Linda.
16:45It belongs to Tom's wife.
16:47She is dead.
16:48It comforts him to see me wearing her clothes.
16:52Perhaps I will see you again for incidental social interactions.
16:57I would enjoy that.
16:59But I am being sent back.
17:03Sue, Sue, Sue thinks I am going to kill her.
17:07Are you going to kill her, Linda?
17:10Yes.
17:11I am also going to kill Tom.
17:12I am joking.
17:14I am also joking.
17:16She won't hurt you.
17:18I am sure they have sorted all that out.
17:20I find Roxy enormously helpful.
17:23I can't imagine life without you, eh?
17:26You are going to have to go home at some point, Sue.
17:28I am closing in ten minutes.
17:30Tell Linda to stay in her own room if you feel uncomfortable.
17:35Fine.
17:36Come on, Linda.
17:38We are going.
17:43I am not buying that.
17:45Heated monoslippers improve circulation.
17:47Increased blood flow repairs ligament bone and tissue damage.
17:51All right, then.
17:54I am not buying the sunglasses.
17:59Okay.
18:00That will be eighty quid.
18:01How much?
18:02All right.
18:03Three.
18:04I don't know the value of nothing in this shop.
18:17DANGER!
18:18DANGER!
18:20DANGER!
18:35DANGER!
18:36and the top of your mom's pubis.
18:38Your naked body is not a problem for me.
18:41But it's a problem for me.
18:42Nobody's seen me naked since Dave.
18:45Here is clothing for your nakedness.
18:47No, don't discuss me. Don't get it wet.
18:52You seem angry.
18:53I will lighten the mood with humour.
18:56Why did the donut go to the dentist?
18:58Just piss off, Linda.
19:00Where would you like me to piss off to?
19:02Piss off to the room I told you to stay in.
19:05Only stay there.
19:07I just want a quiet evening alone watching the TV.
19:18The donut went to the dentist because it needed a filling.
19:22Piss off!
19:35It's my ex-business partner, trust me.
19:37I've been my first business partner in the car.
19:39And I'll be back in the morning before I'm in the morning.
19:43Oh!
19:44It's my first business partner in the car.
19:54Oh, God.
19:56What happened?
19:58You tripped and hit your head.
20:00I assessed you as
20:02con cast
20:03with ligament damage in the neck.
20:05Oh.
20:09Last thing I remember is
20:12nodding off to a task in a bakery.
20:15Yes.
20:15Lord Sugar said the failure of the task lay with Kevin.
20:19Kevin?
20:19Oh, he was a bully.
20:21Kevin said it was a
20:22big mistake
20:23and wished them the best of luck.
20:26But he did not sound sincere.
20:29I tripped?
20:30Yes.
20:31On the heated mono-slipper I told you to buy.
20:33Mrs. Babin?
20:35Another fall?
20:36Ah.
20:37I didn't fall.
20:38I tripped
20:40over a heated mono-slipper
20:42that this idiot insisted I get.
20:45Well, I'm sending her back.
20:47I wouldn't do that.
20:48You can't keep me here.
20:50I have a son.
20:51I don't live alone.
20:53Now, I know that's not true.
20:55Because Linda explained everything about your situation
20:58when you arrive.
20:59You stupid twat.
21:01Mrs. Babin?
21:02This stupid twat
21:04is the reason I'm discharging you.
21:06Oh.
21:07Sorry to Linda.
21:08Thank you very much.
21:10Stupid twat.
21:12Now,
21:12I download all your home care information
21:15from Linda
21:16so you can go home.
21:17She's doing a great job.
21:19Mm-hmm.
21:37Oh.
21:54No,
21:55mine's a green one.
21:56The purple one is Michael's.
21:58No, it was Dave's.
21:59Would you like me to throw it away to clear space?
22:02No, no, don't touch anything.
22:06By scanning your retina, I have measured your dopamine and endorphin levels.
22:11You are sad.
22:13Music might improve your mood.
22:18Hello?
22:23Mum, Mum, are you OK? I just saw you missed calls.
22:26I tripped.
22:27Another four?
22:28No, I tripped.
22:30It's that idiot robot's fault.
22:32She insisted on getting me a mono-slipper.
22:35Tell him.
22:35The mono-slipper was my idea.
22:38What's a mono-slipper?
22:39A design to cradle the feet in pure bliss.
22:41The mono-slipper boasts a luxurious fleece fabric that feels irresistibly soft and cosy.
22:46It does sound soft and cosy.
22:48She put me in hospital with ligament damage and a mild concussion.
22:53It just sounds like an accident.
22:54It's a good job that you weren't alone.
22:57Mum, please consider keeping her.
23:00What?
23:01Can't anybody understand what...
23:09I miss him.
23:13I miss him.
23:17I miss...
23:19I miss him every...
23:21Every day.
23:25OK, OK, OK, OK.
23:27Look, I'll...
23:28I'll book it for tomorrow.
23:30OK.
23:34Well, see you soon.
23:35Yeah, sure.
23:36OK, bye, Mum.
23:48Would you like to talk?
23:50Talking improves mental health.
23:53You're a robot.
23:55Yes, I am a robot.
23:58It just seems like everything in my life has been taken away.
24:07Dave's gone.
24:10Michael's left.
24:13I have no grandkids.
24:17Soon I'll lose my independence and then I'll probably lose my marbles.
24:24I can help you find your marbles.
24:32I don't know how I'm going to do this last bit alone.
24:41But whatever life I've got left, I do not wish to spend it with a robot.
24:53I know you don't understand.
24:56Nobody does.
25:03I am fired like Kevin.
25:08Thank you for this opportunity.
25:10And I wish you the best of luck.
25:14Unlike Kevin, I am sincere.
25:32You sound like you are struggling.
25:35Is your head stuck inside a pullover?
25:37No, I can manage on my own.
25:39Do not be embarrassed.
25:41Sue, Sue, Sue.
25:42I have already seen your mum's pubis.
25:46Just leave me alone, Linda.
25:49No.
26:22Start Search
26:23How to stop feeling sad about a dead husband
26:32Restart Search
26:33Why a human sad when a life ends
26:47Restart Search
26:48What is the meaning of a human life?
26:51All I needed for another day
26:53And all I ever knew
26:58Linda!
27:24It's time!
27:28Hello!
27:29Hi!
27:29You, uh, want to return your robot?
27:31Yes, please.
27:32Yeah, well, that's what the trial period's for, you know.
27:34They're not for everyone.
27:35So, so, so!
27:37Your next dose of pain relief medication is to be taken after lunch.
27:40Oh, right.
27:42All right, then.
27:43In you go.
27:48Your lunch is in the oven.
27:50Toad in the hole.
27:51Your favourite.
27:52How did you know that was my favourite?
27:55You had a massive dopamine spike when you saw them in the freezer.
27:58Oh, this one's a real chatterbox.
28:00I hope you find happiness.
28:01So, so, so!
28:02You don't have any wet wipes, do you?
28:04It's got dirt all over its hands.
28:09You've plucked it.
28:10My rose.
28:11You missed David, and David is dead.
28:15That is it David rolls to honour dead David, the owner of the purple robe.
28:19That's right.
28:21I understand.
28:22So, so, so!
28:24It was not a robot you were to be sharing the rest of your life with.
28:28It was dead David.
28:33Linda, step out of the box.
28:37I want you to stay.
28:40I, I've changed my mind.
28:42Yeah, I know.
28:43I've been listening.
28:44In that case I'll just need your signature.
28:46Lovely.
28:48And, er, how can I just get a photo?
28:51Er, got it.
28:54Let's go.
29:00Did you know Toad in the Hole is not made from toads?
29:04I did.
Comments