- 2 days ago
Ann.Droid.2026.S01E04
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TVTranscript
00:00Do you think I've got enough prong cocktail crisps?
00:02Michael loves prong cocktail crisps.
00:05Maybe I should go and grab another one.
00:07What do you think?
00:08Sue, there is over 14,000 calories in this trolley.
00:12Oh, yeah.
00:13It's just that Michael and Rene being back together
00:15for the foreseeable future, it's just important
00:18we get together for these nice family dinners.
00:22Sue!
00:23Oh, Sue!
00:25Hello, Phyllis.
00:26Oh, gosh, that's a gorgeous dress.
00:28I know.
00:29It's my birthday today.
00:31How old are you today?
00:33Oh, now, now.
00:34A lady never tells her age.
00:36Your bone deterioration and muscle waste
00:39indicate you are 79.
00:43Oh, I'm so sorry, Phyllis.
00:45She's been malfunctioning lately.
00:49Going somewhere special?
00:51Jeffrey's booked out the golf club.
00:54He's been very secretive.
00:55The whole family are pretending they've forgotten.
00:58But they're up to something.
01:00Why don't you come?
01:01Oh, sorry.
01:02I can't.
01:03Michael and Rene are coming over.
01:05We'll come afterwards.
01:07Or bring them, too.
01:08We'll be going on all night.
01:10And Jeffrey never invites my friends.
01:12Oh, look.
01:14There's Alison.
01:15Alison Farris.
01:16Alison.
01:19Alison!
01:19Alison!
01:21Alison!
01:22Good God.
01:23Honestly, poor soul.
01:24She's deaf as a post.
01:26So you'll come?
01:28Well, we'll see how we get on.
01:30Oh, wonderful.
01:31Sue, it is at the golf club.
01:33So wear something nice, won't you?
01:36I've got to dash.
01:37I've got to dash.
01:38I must buy some sunscreen.
01:39I spied a suitcase.
01:41Think I might be in for a surprise birthday holiday.
01:46See you later.
01:47I wonder what on earth happened to Alison.
01:50Did you see how she said that?
01:53Wear something nice.
01:55Did you see that?
01:56Yes, Sue.
01:56I saw that.
01:57I've got plenty of nice outfits.
02:00I don't dress badly.
02:02Do I dress badly, Linda?
02:04No, Sue, you are a real bobby-dazzler.
02:07Ho, ho, ho.
02:08Oh, hi, Alison.
02:11Phyllis, Alison is here.
02:16Sorry.
02:17No peeking now.
02:19Close your eyes.
02:21I do not need to close my eyes.
02:23You can simply change my setting to sightless.
02:27Oh, sightless.
02:30Look at this dress.
02:32It was Dave's favorite.
02:34Do you know what Dave said the first time he saw me in this dress?
02:37No.
02:38He said, I'm the luckiest man alive.
02:41Dave thought you were a man.
02:43No, you idiot.
02:45Oh, forget it.
02:45Ta-da!
02:46Oh, my God.
02:48Um, sight?
02:51You will be the belle of Phyllis's ball.
02:55Oh, I'm not going to Phyllis's stupid party.
02:58I said, we'll see how we get on.
03:00That means you're not going.
03:03Woo!
03:05This dress has convenient holes for toileting.
03:10Oh, my God.
03:11Oh, no.
03:12This is Dave's favorite dress.
03:14Dave wore this dress, too.
03:16Oh, let me see what else I've got.
03:18The moths have been at everything.
03:21Maybe Phyllis has got a point.
03:23I haven't bought a new outfit since before Dave was sick.
03:26I will reverse image search, Dave's dress, and order same-day delivery.
03:31No, no, no, no.
03:32I don't do online shopping.
03:33There's still time.
03:34We can go out and buy something nice for tonight.
03:37But you do not like Renee.
03:38I can't stand her.
03:40That's why it's very important we have a nice family dinner.
03:44So she can ram that up a hole.
03:48Search, nice family dinners.
03:56He's a useless coward.
03:58But if he does come at you, just kick him.
04:03Okay, go on.
04:08Hello, Michael.
04:10What do you want, Keith?
04:12I have some bad news.
04:13Today is your last day here.
04:15What?
04:16I am sorry.
04:17But Mark feels...
04:18You aren't the right fit for the culture of this workplace.
04:23Mark?
04:23What the shit?
04:24But as one door closes, another door opens.
04:36Fine, fine.
04:37I'll, er...
04:39I'll finish up my shift, and then I'll go, because I'm a professional, Mark.
04:43It is effective immediately.
04:46Please, can I just stay until 11?
04:48Renee's just said she's dropping by.
04:49I can't look like some complete loser who's just lost his job to some dickless robot.
04:57Mark!
04:58Yeah, well, this is a stupid job.
05:00I didn't want it anyway.
05:01Michael, could you please step off the property?
05:03Piss off, Keith.
05:04All right, you don't speak to my staff like that.
05:07Hi.
05:07Boss.
05:09Okay, Mark.
05:10Yeah, you got it, mate.
05:12I mean it, Michael.
05:12I know you do.
05:15He's so funny.
05:16It's like working with Jimmy Carr.
05:19Wow, this is amazing.
05:21It's for your mum.
05:22It's from the Australian jungle, so it has forest immunities and, like, good bacterias that date
05:26back literally millions of years.
05:28Where are we going?
05:29Hmm?
05:30Oh, um, yeah, we're going to have to put it in the car.
05:32Mark's just banned social visits in the shop.
05:35He's such a controlling prick.
05:37You just said he was funny.
05:38Yeah, well, like most comedians, he's got a dark side.
05:42I've actually been thinking a lot about quitting.
05:46But no more surprise visits, okay?
05:51Seriously, don't just drop in, okay?
05:55Yeah, all right.
05:57My 11am just cancelled, so I thought I'd get something really special for your mum.
06:01I just don't know why I'm nervous.
06:03We're just going to ask her for money, not a vital organ.
06:06Exactly.
06:07And you're so great with people.
06:09Being a people person is a really big part of my job.
06:11You know, I treat the whole person.
06:14I inspire them.
06:16I encourage them.
06:17I uplift them.
06:18You know?
06:18Otherwise, the fat fucks just give up, like Gillian.
06:21Who's Gillian?
06:22My 11am.
06:23Family bereavement, my arse.
06:25It's as if she didn't think I was going to check her social media.
06:28My God.
06:30Like, lying's so pathetic.
06:32See after work?
06:33Yeah.
06:35Time for me to inspire.
06:37Gillian, it's me, Renee.
06:39Just checking you're okay.
06:41Oh, quick question.
06:42Do you enjoy being a tubby little liar with no discipline?
06:45I've seen the pictures, Gillian.
06:48Let me ask you a question.
06:49Do you want to be a big fat balloon?
06:50Are you eating?
06:52I know you're eating.
06:53I can hear it.
06:53Spit it out.
07:10I'm here.
07:12Hello, Phyllis.
07:13Well, this is all very intriguing.
07:18This place looks pretty deserted.
07:22Well, I wanted somewhere quiet and neutral.
07:25Quiet and neutral.
07:27Oh, Geoffrey.
07:30Switzerland.
07:31I knew you were planning something for my birthday.
07:36Okay.
07:39Okay.
07:42Very funny.
07:46Where is everybody?
07:48It's just us.
07:49Oh, sure.
07:51What?
07:51Everyone has...
07:54Everyone has forgotten.
07:58My fucking birthday.
08:01Are you joking?
08:01I remember everyone else's stupid birthdays, and I can't...
08:05You know what?
08:06Let's do this another day.
08:08Do what?
08:09I mean, what on earth are we doing in here?
08:12Right.
08:13Okay.
08:15Good.
08:21Someone once said that the heart wants what it wants.
08:26That was Woody Allen.
08:27Was it?
08:28Yes.
08:28He said it when he married his daughter.
08:30Oh.
08:31I didn't know he said it.
08:33But he makes a valid point.
08:35About incest.
08:36It's not incest if the person's adopted.
08:39Yes, it is.
08:39I don't want to talk about Woody Allen.
08:42You're the one quoting him.
08:43And the point of the quote is that love and attraction are unpredictable.
08:49Look, if you and Kristen are back on again, I really couldn't care less.
08:53It's not Kristen.
08:54Oh, fine.
08:55Kristen.
08:56Holly.
08:57Dee Dee.
08:57I've always been realistic about...
08:59It's not a woman.
09:01It's not a woman.
09:03Oh.
09:12That was...
09:14so uncomfortable.
09:15My back's killing me.
09:17Do you want a baby?
09:18I know what?
09:18My ovulation window's closing.
09:22Hey.
09:23That outfit is great.
09:26Mum's going to love it.
09:26Just wait until she finds out we're going to make her a grandmother.
09:32Do you think we should mention that?
09:35I mean, we've only just started trying.
09:38My God, Michael.
09:40People announce it.
09:41TTC.
09:42Trying to conceive.
09:43One of my clients had a TTC reveal party.
09:46She served yellow cocktails with ovulation pea sticks in them.
09:51But what did she serve for semen?
09:53Dips are gross, Michael.
09:54Sorry.
09:57Look, I just don't want to get Mum's hopes up.
09:59I mean, what if...
10:01What if it takes a while?
10:02Look, if you're going to ask for this sort of money, you either have to be dying or producing
10:06a grandchild.
10:07And believe me, when you tell people you're dying, they ask for all sorts of supporting evidence.
10:11But let's just not say anything until we're pregnant.
10:15It's a lot of pressure.
10:18Well, guess what?
10:19I don't crack under pressure.
10:22I have a tendency to.
10:24Shall we do it again?
10:25Oh.
10:28I think those hikers are watching.
10:30People can watch Bukkake on their phones 24-7.
10:34No one's going to want to watch your hairy arse pumping away in a lay-by.
10:39Ow!
10:43I definitely think they're watching.
10:45Just block it out and focus!
10:50So can I see?
10:52No.
10:53But I have not seen any of the outfits.
10:56I look bloody awful.
10:58So can I see?
10:59So can I see?
11:01Is everything okay here?
11:02No.
11:03Sue looked bloody awful.
11:05Okay.
11:06There is a queue?
11:08Yes.
11:09It is a long queue.
11:11It's just that you have had this cubicle for a long time.
11:13Is there a time limit?
11:15No.
11:17What is it that you are asking?
11:19Linda, come in here.
11:20I need some help!
11:25Oh, God, I'm thirsty.
11:28Why is it so bright in here?
11:30Why is the hair in the corner?
11:33It's like walking on a barbershop floor.
11:37Oh, God.
11:39Oh, God.
11:40Every dress looks bloody awful.
11:43But we have been in four shops, Sue.
11:45And all the dresses were close matches to Dave's favourite dress.
11:49Ladies, can you vacate this cubicle, please?
11:51Yep, okay.
11:54It's just that I...
11:57I look in the mirror and I just see this old woman staring back at me.
12:05So the old woman is you?
12:08I know it's me.
12:12I should get home.
12:14I've got to start cooking.
12:16At least I can still prepare a decent roast.
12:19But you have not found a special dress.
12:21I am never going to find another special dress.
12:24I'm serious.
12:25Out of the cubicle now.
12:27Fine.
12:28We're leaving.
12:29All your dresses are bloody awful.
12:34I'm so sorry about this.
12:36We were a bit delayed.
12:39Dinner will be a while.
12:41Don't apologise.
12:41We're family, for Christ's sake.
12:44Oh, the plant was Renee's idea.
12:46Oh, it's very big.
12:51I know how you love gardening, Mum.
12:54It's flown in directly from Australia, so it has ancient immunities and healing bacterias.
12:59Right, babe?
12:59Yes.
13:00A lot of our sicknesses are caused because we don't live in nature anymore.
13:03And so proximity to old forests can cure things like arthritis and cancer.
13:08Oh.
13:09Is that true, Linda?
13:10No.
13:13Boy, am I looking forward to your roast, Mum.
13:16Yeah, me too.
13:17I'm absolutely starving, Mum.
13:19Well, I did put it in a little late.
13:21Look, have some crisps.
13:22They're your favourites.
13:26I'd better not.
13:28They're full of, um...
13:30What was it, babe?
13:32Acrylamide.
13:32Acrylamide.
13:33Don't get me wrong, they are delicious.
13:36But apparently crisps are as toxic as drinking four litres of sick.
13:39Is that true, Linda?
13:41No.
13:48Mmm.
13:50So all this is full of this acrylamide?
13:55Acrylamide.
13:56Yeah, actually.
13:58Mmm.
14:03Mmm.
14:06Mmm.
14:08Oh, this is silly.
14:11Mmm.
14:13Mmm.
14:14It's delicious.
14:15Would you like another one?
14:17Oh, yes.
14:18Come on, have another one, Renee.
14:20Yeah.
14:24I'm just trying to be a bit mindful of my diet.
14:30Because we're trying for a baby.
14:36Pardon.
14:39Uh, yeah, that's, uh, that's, uh, that's, that's true.
14:42We're, we're trying to get pregnant.
14:44And we wanted you to be the first to hear our official announcement.
14:49Sit down, Linda.
14:52Trying isn't an official announcement.
14:55Well, it's, it's, it's a thing people announce.
14:59Renee, I detect a smell that indicates you and Michael attempted procreation this afternoon.
15:06Yes.
15:07In a lay-by.
15:10I'm going to check on the roast.
15:21Would you prefer I did not watch?
15:23Yeah.
15:25Ooh.
15:29Linda, I need some help out here.
15:35We said we weren't going to say anything.
15:38Well, I had to do something.
15:40It is going really badly and you're just sitting there with your thumb in your arse.
15:44Hey, I ate a crisp.
15:46You need to get your head in the game.
15:47Your mum still hates me.
15:48Hey, babe, she doesn't hate you.
15:51I hate her.
15:52Oh, he's going to get her pregnant.
15:54And if they get pregnant, then that's permanent.
15:57What is he thinking?
16:00How long's that chicken going to need?
16:03Oh, she's already broken his heart once.
16:06And that boy was a mess last time she dumped him.
16:09The chicken needs.
16:10I'm going to have to say something.
16:11Oh, God, he's making the biggest mistake of his life.
16:15The chicken needs.
16:15But if I say more than I've already said, then I risk losing him.
16:18The chicken needs.
16:19And I don't want to risk the only family I've got.
16:23The chicken needs.
16:23Not eating prawn cocktail crisps.
16:26The chicken needs.
16:27He's forgotten who he is.
16:28The chicken needs.
16:29He's forgotten who she is.
16:30He needs his memory jogged.
16:32The chicken needs 68 more minutes.
16:35Oh, God.
16:37OK.
16:37Back.
16:42Smells great in there, Mum.
16:43Yes.
16:44Won't be long.
16:45The chicken needs 68 more minutes.
16:51What?
16:51I might just snack on a bit of turkey jerky.
16:55Always keep protein handy.
16:58Um, so we were talking and we have a second official announcement.
17:02Jesus Christ.
17:04If we have a boy, we're going to name him David.
17:07After David.
17:10Sit down, Linda.
17:14Any more official announcements?
17:16Actually, um, we've been looking at flats and we saw the perfect place.
17:24We love it.
17:25Well, that's quite a financial commitment.
17:28Your dad and I only just finished paying for this.
17:31Well, I was thinking, because you own this house, could you borrow against it and lend us the money for
17:38a down payment?
17:39So it is a bad idea to borrow against this property.
17:42You stay out of this, Linda.
17:43Hang on.
17:44Why?
17:45Borrowing against this house will place you over the pension threshold.
17:48You will have no income.
17:49Mum, we can come to some sort of arrangement.
17:52There are other risks.
17:53If Renee has sexual intercourse outside of the marriage again.
17:56Linda!
17:57Exactly, and she will.
17:59This again.
18:00We've been through therapy.
18:02We've worked through this.
18:05We just want to start our lives and all you do is criticise.
18:08You just keep pulling us back and insulting Renee.
18:12Michael.
18:13What?
18:14Renee cannot breathe.
18:15Hmm?
18:17Oh, shit!
18:19Rest assured, Michael.
18:21I will remove the obstruction.
18:23And then we will have a nice family dinner.
18:26Hurry up, Linda!
18:28Oh, my God.
18:29Time is over the essence.
18:30Breathe.
18:31Breathe.
18:36Just...
18:41Okay.
18:43Um...
18:44Uh...
18:44Oh!
18:45Oh!
18:47Oh!
18:49Babe, babe, are you okay?
18:50Yeah.
18:51I think so.
18:52Linda hit me really hard.
18:54Would you feel better if I apologised?
18:56Don't apologise.
18:57You've just saved her life.
19:02Renee is fine.
19:03She is also pregnant.
19:06Renee is in the family way.
19:08What a happy family dinner.
19:10Oh, wow.
19:12Oh, my God.
19:17I'm going to be a dad.
19:18My junk does work.
19:22Well, we're definitely going to need help for a mortgage now.
19:25We'll talk about that another time.
19:29Mum.
19:30You haven't...
19:31You haven't said anything?
19:33Congratulations.
19:34It's very exciting.
19:37Especially if Michael is the father.
19:40God damn it, Linda!
19:42Mum, switch her off.
19:43This is a really important family moment and she's ruining it.
19:46I'm not switching her off because she hasn't said anything wrong.
19:51Okay.
19:52Wow.
19:54Let's go, babe.
20:01What's this?
20:02That is a picture of Sue and I on a roller coaster.
20:06Enjoy your new family, Mum.
20:08Goodbye, Michael.
20:23It's just you, me, and the baby from now on, okay?
20:27I've got no one.
20:35I can't believe Mum's done this.
20:38At least you've got a mum.
20:42You do too.
20:43When did I say I didn't?
20:45God, don't twist my words.
20:46Sorry, I'm just feeling emotional.
20:48Oh, you're emotional.
20:50I just got assaulted by a robot.
20:52Then I literally died.
20:54And then I came back to life as a mother.
20:56Yeah.
20:58And I'm a father.
21:00I never said you weren't.
21:01Stop twisting my words, Michael.
21:03Sorry, sorry, Renee.
21:08Sorry.
21:21Oh, Phyllis.
21:23Oh, I'm sorry I didn't make your party.
21:26I was going to call you.
21:28Are you busy?
21:29Yes.
21:31Great.
21:40Christ.
21:42What's with the tree?
21:44Oh, um, Michael and Renee bought it.
21:47Well, you missed an incredible party.
21:52All of my friends were there.
21:53My gorgeous children.
21:55My stunning grandchildren.
21:58My whole family just made this huge effort.
22:02Sounds great.
22:04In 48 years of marriage,
22:06do you know how many stupid birthday cakes
22:10I have baked for my husband and my children
22:14and my grandchildren?
22:15One hundred and thirty-seven stupid birthday cakes.
22:19Shut up, Linda.
22:20You slut.
22:23Oh, so, has Michael made you a grandmother yet?
22:28Looks that way.
22:29Well, just tell his wife
22:30they can't keep their hands off you
22:32when you're young with perky tits,
22:34but give it time.
22:35He'll soon be balls deep in a robot.
22:39Do you think Dave would have screwed a robot?
22:43My Dave?
22:45God, no.
22:46Oh, lucky you.
22:48You'll never have to test that theory.
22:50I think we need to get someone to take you home.
22:53Oh, no, no, no.
22:54No, no, no.
22:54Wait, wait.
22:55I'm sorry.
22:56I'm sorry.
22:56Go and be a revolting drunk at your own party.
23:00There was no party.
23:04My whole family completely forgot.
23:09And all the people I invited didn't come.
23:13They said, we'll see how we get on.
23:17That means they are not coming.
23:18But Geoffrey, he said he'd got the golf club.
23:21Oh, Geoffrey, he's left me for a robot.
23:25Not one like Linda.
23:27One of the sexy ones.
23:30I'm so sorry.
23:32I...
23:34Well...
23:35Renee and Michael just came round to borrow some money.
23:38You were both disappointed by your terrible families.
23:42Yep.
23:43I mean, I spent months choosing this dress.
23:46I thought today was going to be perfect.
23:51It is.
23:52It's a lovely dress.
23:56I can't even choose a new dress that makes me feel special since Dave died.
24:02Right.
24:05It's yours.
24:06Hang on.
24:09No, Linda, no, no.
24:11Keep your clothes on.
24:13There we go.
24:16Do you know, you've got fabulous cheekbones.
24:19The chicken is ready.
24:22Linda, bring more wine.
24:25We're going to give Phyllis a proper birthday party.
24:29Hello.
24:29Yeah.
24:30I think it's exciting.
24:34I love being a grandmother.
24:37You get a second chance to get it right.
24:39I mean, I am a much better grandmother than I am a mother.
24:44Just enjoy it.
24:45You really think so?
24:47Just make it up with him.
24:49Otherwise, you'll miss out.
24:51And I mean, what else are you going to do?
24:54I mean, really.
24:56You're right.
24:57You're right.
24:57I'm going to...
24:58I'm going to phone him.
24:59Yeah.
24:59Er, yes, call him now.
25:02Linda, just...
25:03Shh.
25:04Shh.
25:09No, answer phone.
25:12Hello, Michael, it's mum.
25:15I'm really sorry I sport your big moment.
25:19You're going to be a dad.
25:21And there's going to be a mum.
25:23And marriages are messy.
25:25They are a bit shit.
25:27And, well, yeah, families can let you down.
25:32But my point is, I'm going to do it.
25:38Do what?
25:38Sue, your judgment is impaired.
25:40I'm going to downsize and free up some money.
25:44Yay!
25:44All right, love you.
25:47Love you.
25:48Bye.
25:49All's well that ends well.
25:51Sue, this is an illogical decision.
25:53He's my son, my only family, and I love him no matter what.
25:57Here's to our stupid families.
26:02Linda, play party music.
26:06Come on, Sue.
26:08Let's have a boogie.
26:11According to money-saving expert Martin Lewis,
26:14this is a high-risk venture with a low probability of success.
26:20You are facing financial ruin.
26:22This is no moment for levity.
26:29Come on, Ali!
26:38Come on, Ali!
26:39Come on, Ali!
26:47Come on, Ali!
26:50Come on, Ali!
26:54I love you, I love you
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