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The KIng needs to find a replacement for the late Archbishop of Canterbury; someone who will lead the church properly, someone easily bullied, possibly someone related to him.
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00:05England, November 1487.
00:08The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage,
00:12and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
00:18Dying, my lords.
00:22Am I dying?
00:23Never.
00:24Never.
00:26Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours,
00:30till you're recovering.
00:31I just imagined you yourself were to pass away.
00:35To whom would you leave your lands?
00:37Why, to me, of course.
00:41Yes, to my beloved king.
00:45May your filthy soul be prepared for hell, my son.
00:50Hell?
00:51Yes, hell.
00:53Where Satan delts his fire,
00:55and the enormous devils break wind both night and day.
00:59Where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse,
01:03and your bottom never free from the pricking of little force.
01:08No!
01:09Spare me the little force.
01:11Oh, what is this nonsense?
01:14Hell, where the softest bits of your leather regions
01:17are everybody else's favorite lunch.
01:23forgive me, sire.
01:26I will change my will and leave my land to the church.
01:32What?
01:35Blessed be thy stainless soldier.
01:39Ah, you will change your mind later.
01:42I know it.
01:49I think not.
01:51I think not.
01:55That's my word.
02:04I know it.
02:05I know it.
02:12I know it.
02:14I know it.
02:35Ah, what news? Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester has
02:40given birth to twin goblins. No, no, no. Oh, he's still hanging on. He must be on his last
02:46legs by now, my lord. Yes, but how many sets of legs of that man got? Really, how does
02:50he make up his mind? Either he dies or he lives forever. It's this shilly shallying that's
02:55so undignified. My lord, I come with tragic news. What, died at last, has he? Oh, my lord.
03:04Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to
03:09me. Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the Duke of Winchester. Oh, my lord.
03:17Wait, let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? Someone has died,
03:23it? Yes, my lord. Who is it that has died? The Archbishop of Canterbury, my lord. Are
03:29you a critic? Yes, my lord. The Archbishop of Canterbury? Oh, no, the king has done it again.
03:37That's the third this year. How did this one die? Horribly, my lord. Any details? Horribly
03:44is all I was given. Ah, Edmund, there you are. My lord, I come with tragic news. I've
03:49heard it. Will you go away? Oh, dear. Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the
03:55most tragic accident. There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've fathomed out how
03:59it came about. Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself. You see, Archbishop Godfrey
04:03was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room. Who had just died, leaving all his lands
04:08to the church? Well, as a matter of fact, yes. And so the king was really after his
04:12blood, presumably. Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that at that moment,
04:15round the corner, came Sir Tavis Mortimer. The king's hired killer? No, no, no, no, no.
04:21Mortimer, that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears. Yes, that's him. Well, he came
04:25round the corner, saw the Archbishop, and rushed towards him with his head bowed in order to
04:30receive his blessing, and, uh, and unfortunately killed him stone dead. Oh, Mortimer was wearing
04:37a Turkish helmet. Oh, I see. Yes, one of those with the two-feet spike coming out of the top.
04:42Yes,
04:42one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and
04:45killing them stone dead. Yes, so presumably he'd forgotten he was wearing it. Well, you know,
04:52that's exactly what the poor fellow had done. A tragic accident. Tragic. Ah, yes, almost as
04:57tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle while slimming off beachy
05:03heads. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the
05:10spire of Norwich Cathedral. Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. I just don't know how I'm
05:17going to break it to his catamite. What a tragic accident, my lord. Accident, my coddling.
05:27Who do you think will take over? Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should
05:32imagine. They tend to go for religious types. Rumour has it, my lord, that the king wants to
05:38choose Prince Harry. Oh, really? Prince Harry Archbishop, my lord. Claude! Prince Harry Archbishop!
05:48And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we? Yes, they go to Canterbury. Oh, yes.
06:02Are you sure about your sauce, Ulrich? Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told
06:06me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity world.
06:11Well, with Harry gone, the black attar will be king next. Today could be one of the most important days
06:25of my life so far.
06:26Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremony.
06:30Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord. Trojan, I think. Boots, my lord. The Italian. And coatpiece, my lord.
06:37Well, let's go for the black Russian.
06:41It always terrifies the clergy.
06:44Keith.
06:59Not really, my lord. Apparently, Lord Wildolse is keeping a sheep in his bedroom to nothing on the appointment.
07:05Fair enough.
07:13You're dressed like this, Edmund.
07:15Like what, sorry?
07:17Well, this enormous nonsense here.
07:22Fingers crossed.
07:27Members of the court and clergy, I have, at last,
07:33after careful consultation with the Lord God,
07:37his son, Jesus Christ,
07:39and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost,
07:43decided upon the next archbishop.
07:49May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
07:54Fat chance.
07:56I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury
08:01my own son, Edwin Duke-Amenigra.
08:11Archbishop, incidentally.
08:16Congratulations, President of the century.
08:35Very good.
08:38Well done.
08:39Well done, Harry.
08:41Enter.
08:43Ah, your majesty.
08:45Ah, my lord archbishop.
08:48There were just a couple of points about my appointment
08:51before things really firmed up.
08:54Yes?
08:54Personally, couldn't I...
08:56No, you couldn't.
08:57Confined?
08:59Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward.
09:02I've always despised you.
09:04Well, you are my father, of course.
09:07I mean, you're biased.
09:09You?
09:10Compared to your beloved brother, Harry?
09:14Our excrement is compared to cream.
09:17Oh, my lord, you flatter me.
09:19And me also.
09:21So now, my boy,
09:22when I've at last found a use for you,
09:24don't try to get out of it.
09:26Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
09:27No, certainly not.
09:28I just wondered whether perhaps another man,
09:31um, equally weak-willed and feeble,
09:34might do just as well.
09:36Ha!
09:37There's no such man!
09:38Oh, no.
09:39No, of course, there's no.
09:41Silly me.
09:42Ah, I...
09:43I thought, no, perhaps, you know,
09:45someone who believed in God.
09:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:48If I needed someone who believed in God,
09:50I'd have chosen Harry!
09:53Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
09:57Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up.
10:00Goodness, it must be almost time to read a song.
10:03Must be going.
10:05Egbert!
10:10Come here.
10:11Come here.
10:18Hello.
10:21A word of advice.
10:24If you cross me now or ever,
10:28I shall do unto you
10:30what God did unto the Sodomites.
10:32Oh, my lord, I don't think that's a very good idea.
10:34Well, I shall make myself available
10:38for all eventualities.
10:42Thank you so much.
10:54Slee!
10:59We've got the thumbscrews,
11:02the foot crusher,
11:03the nose hooks,
11:04those long rods,
11:06you're...
11:09where's the torch?
11:10Here we go.
11:13Right, let's go.
11:15Archbishop!
11:20Hello.
11:22Going somewhere?
11:25Um...
11:27Yes.
11:29Where?
11:31Can...
11:33Canterbury?
11:35Good.
11:36Good!
11:37Howdy here with a come to you.
11:40I would hate to see you murdered
11:42before your investiture.
11:46Tis it!
11:48Fresh horses!
11:49My lord,
11:51if we're going to catch the boat to France,
11:53you'll have to hurry.
11:54Um, the boat to France?
11:56Um,
11:57you off to France, Percy?
12:00I thought we all were.
12:01No, no.
12:03Harry and I are off to Canterbury.
12:05Aren't we, Harry?
12:08Oh, I see.
12:09You've changed your plan.
12:12No.
12:13No, not really.
12:14The only change is
12:15if you could go and put your face
12:17in some manure
12:18and follow a reasonable distance.
12:21That'll be fine.
12:23Great.
12:24And another thing
12:25that bothers me, Your Grace,
12:26suppose my right hand offends me
12:29and I cut it off.
12:30Well,
12:31wouldn't my left hand
12:32offends me as well?
12:34I mean,
12:35what do I cut it off with?
12:38Ah, yes.
12:39Yes, that is a naughty one.
12:41Yes!
12:54Where was that?
12:55I don't know.
12:57But that tall fellow,
12:58he had a face full of manure.
13:01That's what I call style.
13:11Do you,
13:13Edmund,
13:14Duke of Edinburgh,
13:16believe in God the Father,
13:18God the Son,
13:20and God the Holy Ghost?
13:26Um, yes.
13:27I then name thee
13:29Archbishop of Canterbury
13:31and primate
13:33of all England.
13:40God the Holy Ghost!
13:43God the Holy Ghost!
13:54His investiture over,
13:57Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling
13:59swiftly adopted
14:00the ways of the cloth.
14:02But ever the shadow
14:04of his father's threat
14:05hung over him
14:05until at last,
14:07one day.
14:07Tell me,
14:08Brother Baldrick,
14:09exactly what did
14:10God do to the Sodomites?
14:12I don't know,
14:13my lord.
14:13I can't imagine it was worse
14:14than what they used to do
14:15to each other.
14:21Oh, my God,
14:22this is it!
14:23Baldrick,
14:24go and get
14:25my lord Bishop of Ramsgate.
14:27Get Percy,
14:28get Percy!
14:32My life is hanging
14:34by a thread.
14:42And if I don't
14:44leave my lands
14:45to the church,
14:46then what?
14:47Then, Lord Graveney,
14:49you will assuredly
14:50go to hell.
14:51Oh, there's...
14:53Hell,
14:54where the air
14:55is pungent
14:56with the aroma
14:57of roasted behind.
14:59No.
15:00No.
15:03I place my lands
15:04in the hands
15:06of the church.
15:08And so,
15:09bid the world
15:10farewell.
15:13What?
15:15The archbishop
15:16not yet arrived?
15:17Not yet,
15:18and even if he did arrive...
15:19Wait!
15:21Too late!
15:22Get out of my way!
15:23I have killed
15:24a pair of you!
15:25I have killed
15:26your brother!
15:27I'll abolish
15:28the church!
15:28My Lord!
15:30My Lord!
15:31Ah!
15:31I said out!
15:33Get out!
15:34My Lord!
15:35My Lord!
15:36My Lord!
15:37Wake up!
15:38Wake up!
15:40Wake up!
15:41Ah!
15:44Am I in paradise?
15:46No.
15:47No, not yet.
15:48Then this must be hell.
15:50Alas!
15:51Spare my posterior!
15:53No,
15:54you're all right.
15:55It's England.
15:56And you are not Satan?
15:57No,
15:59I'm the archbishop
16:00of Canterbury.
16:00Oh,
16:00your grace,
16:01it's your grace.
16:03I have left all my lands
16:04to the church.
16:05Am I to be saved?
16:07No,
16:08you treacherous swine!
16:09I...
16:10No!
16:10Wait, wait, wait, wait!
16:11Wait,
16:12let's,
16:12let's just
16:13take this through
16:14in stages,
16:15shall we?
16:17Um,
16:18you know,
16:19the church
16:19doesn't really need
16:21the old man.
16:22Now,
16:22what it made
16:23is a damn
16:24good thrusher!
16:25But if I do not
16:26gain its blessing,
16:27I will surely
16:28go to hell!
16:30Hell?
16:30We're tiny
16:31tweezers!
16:32Damn it!
16:35Someone like you
16:37go to hell?
16:38Never.
16:39Never!
16:40But I have committed
16:41many sins.
16:42Oh,
16:42haven't we all?
16:43Haven't we all?
16:43I murdered my father.
16:45I know how you feel.
16:47And I have committed
16:52adultery.
16:53Well,
16:53who hasn't?
16:54More than a thousand
16:56times.
16:57It is 1487.
17:00With my mother.
17:01What?
17:02You see,
17:03I will go to hell.
17:06Hell?
17:06Where no slight
17:07turnips
17:08go out
17:09with the nose
17:09in the ears.
17:10Kill her!
17:11Pressure!
17:14Well,
17:15let's take hell.
17:16Um,
17:17you know,
17:18hell isn't as bad
17:19as it's cracked up to be.
17:21What?
17:22No, no, no, no.
17:23No,
17:23you see,
17:24the thing about heaven
17:25is that heaven
17:26is for people
17:27who like the sort of things
17:29that go on in heaven.
17:31Like,
17:32uh,
17:32well,
17:32singing,
17:33talking to God,
17:35watering pot plants.
17:37Well,
17:37hell,
17:38on the other hand,
17:39is for people
17:40who like
17:41the other sorts of things.
17:43Adultery,
17:45pillage,
17:46torture,
17:48lose,
17:49areas.
17:50Really?
17:51Leave your lands
17:52to the crown,
17:53and once you're dead,
17:54you will have
17:55the time of your life.
17:56Adultery,
17:57pillage,
17:58through all eternity.
18:01Yep.
18:02You're stepping
18:02and your dart sticks
18:03against your tender portions.
18:06Oh,
18:06hello.
18:07Well,
18:08Reveney,
18:09your decision.
18:10Very well.
18:11I leave my lands
18:13to the crown
18:14and my soul
18:16in the hands
18:17of the Lord.
18:18May he treat me
18:19like the piece of refuse
18:21that I am
18:22and send me to hell.
18:25Amen.
18:26Amen.
18:26You're a very lucky man.
18:28I wish I could be coming
18:30with you,
18:30but, you know,
18:31being Archbishop.
18:32I'm so sorry.
18:33That's all right.
18:34Ah!
18:42My son!
18:45Father!
18:47Father!
18:49My son!
18:53Who's that?
18:55Looked like the kind of peril
18:57would kill the Archbishop
18:58of Canterbury to me.
19:00Technical.
19:02Technical!
19:03Rich dog!
19:04No!
19:04You tear-taste pig!
19:07Father,
19:08it's me!
19:09Pax!
19:09Oh,
19:10yes,
19:10of course.
19:11Sorry,
19:11Harry.
19:11You're improving.
19:13Yes.
19:13Well,
19:14thank you,
19:14Father.
19:15Good night,
19:15Mother.
19:18He's gaining on me.
19:19He's gaining on me!
19:22And how was Edmund?
19:24Oh,
19:24well,
19:24well,
19:25very well.
19:26Chiswick!
19:27Fresh horse!
19:29And how are
19:30his dear little teeth?
19:33Who's sheep?
19:34Edmund's sheep.
19:36What sheep?
19:38Well,
19:39the ones at Canterbury.
19:40His flock
19:41that he was talking about.
19:49I can't understand it.
19:51Edmund doesn't even like religion.
19:54That's impossible.
19:55He's the Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:58Yes,
19:59and the Archbishop of Canterbury
20:00is also a naughty little boy
20:02whose bottom I had to smack
20:04for relieving himself in default.
20:06That was a long time ago.
20:08It was last Thursday.
20:16Well,
20:18the boys turned out well.
20:21A long
20:21and healthy knife to him.
20:32I thank God
20:33that in my lifetime
20:34never again
20:35shall I have to say
20:37who will rid me
20:38of this turbulent priest.
20:42And what is that?
20:43It's something
20:44that my ancestor
20:45Henry II
20:46once said
20:47when he was having trouble
20:47with Thomas of Eckett.
20:49He was sitting
20:49at a table like this
20:51with two drunken knights
20:52and he yelled out
20:53who will rid me
20:54of this turbulent priest.
20:58What?
21:00Oh, God save us.
21:02I said
21:03who will rid me
21:05of this turbulent priest?
21:07Meaning who?
21:09The Archbishop of Canterbury,
21:11of course.
21:14Well,
21:15they went straight off
21:16and killed him,
21:17of course.
21:23Right,
21:24now let's get down
21:24to business,
21:25shall we?
21:26Business, my mum?
21:26Yes,
21:27because we're looking
21:28at some of the ways
21:28we can actually
21:29make a bit of money
21:30on this job.
21:32Basically,
21:33there appear to be
21:34four major profit areas.
21:36Curses,
21:37pardons,
21:38relics
21:38and selling
21:39the sexual favours
21:40of nuns.
21:41Selling the sexual favours
21:42of nuns?
21:43Yeah.
21:43You mean some people
21:43actually pay for them?
21:45Oh, foreign businessmen,
21:46other nuns.
21:47Well, let's see
21:47the pardons.
21:49Right,
21:50well,
21:50this is a fair selection.
21:52Basically,
21:52you seem to get
21:53what you pay for.
21:54They run all the way
21:55from this one,
21:55which is a pardon
21:56for talking
21:57with your mouth full.
21:58Signed by an apprentice
21:59curate in Tewksbury.
22:01How much is that?
22:02Two pebbles.
22:03All the way up to
22:04this one,
22:05which is a pardon
22:06for anything whatsoever,
22:07including murder,
22:08adultery
22:09or dismemberment
22:10of a close friend
22:11or relative.
22:12Who's that signed by?
22:13Both popes.
22:16Curses are pretty much
22:17the same, really.
22:18I've got this one
22:19for half an egg.
22:21Ah, curse.
22:23Dear enemy,
22:24I curse you
22:25and hope that something
22:26slightly unpleasant
22:27happens to you
22:28like an onion
22:29falling on your head.
22:31Well, that is the bottom
22:32end of the market.
22:33They run all the way
22:34to this one
22:34for four ducats.
22:36Dear enemy,
22:37may the Lord
22:37hate you
22:38and all your kind,
22:39may you be turned
22:40orange in hue
22:41and may your head
22:43fall off
22:43at an awkward moment.
22:46Does this work?
22:47Yeah.
22:48Yes.
22:49Really?
22:49No.
22:52Moving on to relics,
22:54we've got shrouds
22:55from Turin,
22:58wine from the wedding
23:00at Cana,
23:02splinters from the cross,
23:04and, of course,
23:04there's stuff made
23:06by Jesus
23:07in his days
23:07in the carpentry shop.
23:09We've got pipe racks,
23:11coffee tables,
23:12cake stands,
23:14bookings,
23:16crucifixes,
23:17nice cheese board,
23:20food bowls,
23:21waterproof sandals.
23:24I haven't finished
23:25this one yet.
23:25But this is disgraceful,
23:27my Lord.
23:27All of these
23:27are obviously fake.
23:29Yes.
23:30But how will people
23:31be able to tell
23:32the difference
23:32between these
23:33and the real relics?
23:34But they won't!
23:35That's the point!
23:37Well, you won't be able
23:37to fool everyone!
23:39Look.
23:42I have here
23:44a true relic.
23:46What is it?
23:48It is a bone
23:50from the finger
23:51of our Lord.
23:52It cost me
23:5331 pieces of silver.
23:56Good Lord,
23:57is it real?
23:58It is, my Lord.
24:00Baldrick,
24:01you stand amazed.
24:02Ah!
24:03I thought they only
24:04came in boxes
24:05of ten.
24:06I can't give them
24:06a long line for
24:07a couple of books.
24:08What?
24:09Yeah,
24:10fingers are really big
24:11at the moment.
24:11Mind you,
24:12for a really quick sale,
24:13you can't beat a nose.
24:15For instance,
24:16this is the
24:16sacred appendage
24:17compendium party pack.
24:19You get
24:19Jesus' nose,
24:21St. Peter's nose,
24:23a couple of
24:24St. Francis's nose,
24:26and, uh,
24:27oh no,
24:27they're Joan of Arc's.
24:28Oh,
24:29you bastard
24:30verdure!
24:31I'll show him!
24:36I'll show him!
24:40Good evening!
24:43And, uh,
24:44and what can I do
24:45for you?
24:45Well,
24:46we're here
24:47to murder
24:48the Archbishop
24:49of Canterbury.
24:50There is
24:51enemies.
24:52Yes.
24:54We fear
24:54he may be
24:55in danger.
24:56Really?
24:57How?
24:58Well,
24:58let me see.
24:59Perhaps
25:00good King Richard,
25:01angry with the
25:02Archbishop
25:02for some reason,
25:03might well
25:04send two
25:05drunken knights
25:06freshly returned
25:08from the crusade
25:09on a mission
25:10to weak
25:11vengeance
25:12on him.
25:13That's a good
25:14point.
25:14It has happened
25:15before.
25:16Quite.
25:16Yes, it is.
25:17I'm sorry,
25:18I didn't quite
25:19catch your names.
25:21George Dubois.
25:22How do you do?
25:24Justin De Boisnot.
25:26Two drunken knights
25:27freshly returned
25:28from the crusades
25:29and here on a mission
25:30for good King Richard.
25:31God bless.
25:33And your mission?
25:34Well, as I said,
25:36we're here
25:37to kill
25:38a bit of time
25:41before our next
25:42crusade.
25:43Oh, right, yes.
25:44Well, I'll just
25:45go and get him.
25:49Ah, Baldrick.
25:50Yes?
25:50A couple of knights
25:51here to see
25:52the Archbishop.
25:53Oh, my God.
25:58Monks.
26:00My Lord,
26:01I've got something
26:02to say about
26:02the archbishop.
26:04It's the one
26:04about the nuns
26:05of Uppingham
26:06and the Candelabra.
26:07Don't bother,
26:07I've heard it.
26:08No, the fact is,
26:09there's two men
26:10outside who've
26:10come to kill you.
26:12What?
26:13Ah, ah, ah, ah.
26:16I'm terribly
26:17sorry about this.
26:18I'll just see
26:19what the delay is.
26:20Please do.
26:21I'll feel me.
26:23Look,
26:23what's going on?
26:25There's two men
26:25have come to kill us.
26:26Oh, come on,
26:27honestly, Baldrick.
26:28Just because
26:29a couple of people
26:29have a bit of breeding,
26:31you assume
26:31they're bound
26:31to be mindless killers.
26:33Oh, my God.
26:34There's no way out.
26:36Help.
26:37Help.
26:38Oh, my God.
26:40Help us.
26:43Ah.
26:51Ah.
26:53Ah.
26:53Ah.
26:53Ah.
26:54Ah.
26:55Ah.
26:55Ah.
26:56Ah.
26:58Ah.
27:06Madame,
27:07they must have
27:07gone down
27:08the secret passage
27:09for the nunnery.
27:10Ah.
27:14Ah.
27:17Ah.
27:19Ah.
27:19Ah.
27:22Little sisters
27:23of indolence,
27:24three men came in.
27:25Which way did they go?
27:27Oh,
27:28I think they went
27:29that way.
27:31God bless you.
27:34Wait,
27:35Jiffy.
27:37They'll be watching out
27:38for us dressed like this.
27:40Quick,
27:40in here.
27:55Bray sister,
27:57have you seen
27:58two burly nights
27:59pass this way?
28:00Um,
28:01no,
28:02sister.
28:03No's the pity.
28:06Why don't you try
28:08that way?
28:09Thank you very much.
28:10You're welcome.
28:18And yet,
28:19Mother Superior,
28:21does not St. Paul
28:22say in the Ephesians,
28:24a woman is like a bat,
28:27often heard,
28:28but never seen?
28:31No,
28:31I don't think so,
28:32Sarah.
28:34Shall we check
28:35the dormitory?
28:36Oh,
28:37yes,
28:37Mother Superior,
28:38what a good idea.
28:39Oh,
28:41oh,
28:42oh,
28:42oh,
28:43oh,
28:43oh,
28:43oh,
28:45oh,
28:45oh,
28:45oh,
28:46oh,
28:47oh,
28:48if I told you once,
28:50I've told you
28:50enough of the times,
28:51fighting in the dormitory
28:52is completely forbidden.
28:54Who is the ringleader here?
28:56You,
28:57yes,
28:57you,
28:58the plane girl.
29:02Oh,
29:03my God,
29:04it's the Archbishop
29:05of Canterbury.
29:08Canterbury.
29:11I think I can explain.
29:16And that sweet lady
29:18is the whole story.
29:20Let us go over the facts again.
29:22Having been appointed Archbishop,
29:24you found that all your interest
29:26lay in the beauty
29:27of your vestments.
29:28Ah,
29:28the fine embroidery.
29:30Unable to resist
29:31the slide into depravity,
29:33you began to dress up
29:34in the habit of a nun.
29:36I could not resist
29:37the texture
29:38of the Hessian
29:39under things.
29:40Oh,
29:40I can understand that.
29:42then you forced
29:43the Bishop of Ramsgate
29:45and one brother,
29:46Baldi,
29:46to do so also.
29:48Oh,
29:48may I be cursed for it?
29:50And finally,
29:51you got two knights drunk
29:53and invited them
29:54to come and wrestle
29:54with you
29:55inside the nunnery
29:56in an orgy
29:57of heathen
29:58diversity.
29:59Shit,
30:00there's an
30:01unmistakable
30:02ring of truth.
30:03And I must therefore
30:04tell you
30:04that this morning
30:05I have written urgently
30:06to all three popes
30:08recommending
30:08your immediate
30:09excommunication.
30:10nevermore
30:11may you
30:12be Archbishop
30:13of Canterbury.
30:14Oh,
30:14dear.
30:16That's enough,
30:17Sister Sire.
30:18I think he's learnt
30:19his lesson.
30:20Sorry.
30:22Oh.
30:23Ow,
30:23ow.
30:24Go,
30:25sir,
30:25and meet
30:26thy doom.
30:28Oh,
30:38oh, oh,
30:39Oh,
30:39oh.
30:40Oh, is it spring?
30:59Oh,
31:00The nunnery's on fire!
31:03Ha ha ha!
31:04The hoofbeats cross the glade
31:07Could folk lock up your son and daughter
31:10Beware the deadly flashing blade
31:14Unless you want to end up shorter
31:20Blackadder, Blackadder
31:23He rides a pitch black steed
31:29Blackadder, Blackadder
31:31He's very bad indeed
31:35Black, his claws are finest mole
31:38Black, his codpiece made of metal
31:43His horse is blacker than a vole
31:47His pot is blacker than his kettle
31:51Blackadder, Blackadder
31:55With many a cunning plan
32:01Blackadder, Blackadder
32:03You horrid little man
32:07Alas, the corruption of the world
32:10Yes, alas, Mother Superior
32:12I'm tired and weary
32:14You may leave me now
32:15Very well
32:16Alas
32:18So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight
32:22No
32:24No, not tonight
32:26You
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