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- 4 days ago
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00:00I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker.
00:03Anything. I just dunk anything.
00:05My husband says I'd dunk my own name if it wasn't stitched on.
00:09You know, in tea or in coffee.
00:14You're doing one of those repeats, I suppose, are you?
00:17Filming more of those repeats.
00:20I suppose this is what I pay my licence fee for, is it?
00:23Keep you lot in jeans and heroin.
00:32It's rather irritating, you know.
00:34I'm trying to get through here and you're...
00:38There's no room.
00:41No, there's no room. I want to walk through here.
00:44I might look, you see.
00:47Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it?
00:49No, because you're all right, aren't you?
00:51With your jeans and your leather jackets and your pinions.
00:58Well, I said I'd like to dunk a lot of things.
01:02Just dunk anything, really.
01:05And, um...
01:06I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
01:09A very stiff letter.
01:12On cardboard.
01:18You expect to get a lot of this, do you?
01:19And I shall post it, too.
01:27Between desire and reality.
01:30A bit.
01:32Between fact and breakfast.
01:36Madness lies, lies, lies.
01:40A bit.
01:41I hate you.
01:43I hate you.
01:44And yet.
01:45I hate you.
01:48With love, rage, and aches of the ear.
01:57Pretension.
01:59By Fry and Laurie.
02:08Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
02:18Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue à un morceau de Fry a Laurie.
02:23Stout, messi, bim.
02:25Gout yende, fenstoupke, fry, stink lorry.
02:32Lars pebble finger hat.
02:34Fly bo hen fry shat lorry.
02:39Sar matadatta, polyp whip-yip nip-sip, fry, hidden lorry.
02:45That's a lovely accent.
02:49Is that from a tape, or...?
02:50No, no, I used to live there in the 70s.
02:52I thought so.
02:53Well, anyway, that's enough verbal frotting for the time being.
02:59It's easy to say, you know, that the next half hour will soon be filled with the sound of goodfellowship,
03:04the laughter of friends, and the sobbing of children.
03:08That's right.
03:09But what is hard, however, what is painfully, grindingly, fie-suckingly hard, is to find the words that can adequately
03:15describe our first guest this evening.
03:16Well, the easiest bit first.
03:18She's a man, a man of real distinction, born within moaning distance of Seven Oaks in Kent.
03:23Our first guest has variously been described as the finest classical murderer of his generation, and also as the Jilly
03:29Cooper of anal love.
03:32He's the captain of his soul, and the chief petty officer of his destiny, and he brings to a bitter
03:38fry and lorry a much-needed injection of heroin.
03:40He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
03:43Oh, yes.
03:44I have no idea.
03:55Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.
03:59In fact, this is something of a realisation of a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.
04:03My colleague wasn't all that keen on having you on, but I insist.
04:08My colleague will have his little joke.
04:09No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
04:12Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
04:14You had a bit of a hard night last night, I understand.
04:16Not really, no.
04:17No, well, there was something about you and, you know, you and a certain actor from EastEnders.
04:22Oh, that was.
04:23Yeah, a certain amount of hell was raised, I understand.
04:25You know what the press are like.
04:27They'd like to blow everything in all proportions.
04:29I think in your case, nature's already done that, Clive.
04:36Clive, tell me, I've met a number of reformed hellraisers, but I think I'm right in saying
04:41you're the first hellraiser proper I've ever actually met.
04:43Tell us about this business of hellraising.
04:45What's it all about?
04:46I think it's specifically a reference to drinking.
04:49Oh, I see.
04:50So when they say hellraiser, they really mean drunk.
04:54I think there's a bit more to it than that.
04:56Such as?
04:57Well, being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting the old table, that sort of thing.
05:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, well, something learnt there already.
05:05So when they say hellraiser, they mean old drunk who is rude to waiters and upsets tables.
05:10I think the idea is that it's quite stylish.
05:13Stylish?
05:16Well, you know, amusing.
05:19Really?
05:19Amusing?
05:20Really?
05:20Well, Stephen, you're witness.
05:22No further questions.
05:25Relax, Clive.
05:26The rapier is back in its scabbard.
05:27Well, from sad old drunks who are rude to waiters and upset tables.
05:32Stylishly.
05:33Always stylishly.
05:34We move on to our second studio visitor.
05:36You know, ladies and gentlemen, when Shakespeare wrote the words,
05:40Time cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety,
05:44it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.
05:46But it's also just possible, too, that he was thinking of our next studio guest.
05:52She's been described as the dwayne of...
05:55It's very unlikely.
05:55Very unlikely.
05:57Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
06:00It could possibly be talking about it.
06:01I've never met you, never heard of it.
06:03All right, all right, all right.
06:04Ladies and gentlemen, when Geoffrey Archer wrote the words,
06:09The expanding bullet mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh,
06:13splintering bone and tissue as if it had been cheap crockery,
06:16it's just possible he was thinking of our next guest.
06:19Better.
06:20Much better.
06:20Much better.
06:21Her friends call her Snutty,
06:23but to millions of fans of the Littlewoods catalogue,
06:26she is adoringly and affectionately known as the Cardigan Lady.
06:30Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, please ingest,
06:34please assimilate gently,
06:35the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.
06:47Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
06:53Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
06:56Tell us all about your week.
06:57Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
07:00Supermarket openings?
07:01How did you guess?
07:01I didn't.
07:02Well, you're wrong, anyway,
07:03because I've never opened a supermarket in my life.
07:07Fascinating, really.
07:08You never opened a supermarket, I never knew that.
07:11But you do make a number of personal appearances
07:13during the course of your weekly week, don't you?
07:15Yes, yes, that's right.
07:15I did make a personal appearance yesterday
07:17at the hairdressers to get my hair, you know...
07:20Dressed?
07:21Dressed, yeah.
07:22And I also made an appearance at the bus stop to catch a bus.
07:25Oh!
07:27They must take an enormous amount out of you,
07:29these personal appearances.
07:30Well, yeah, I've just got to grin and bear it, though, you know.
07:33Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.
07:36My colleague, would you care to cross-examine?
07:38Well, now, Imelda...
07:39Oh, oh, Snutty, please.
07:41Snutty, I'm so sorry.
07:42Snutty.
07:43When you agreed to come on the show,
07:45you said that you'd be prepared to undergo a bit of a challenge.
07:47No, no, don't say that.
07:48Ah, well, you can't back out of it now.
07:52Because if you do, we'll hit you.
07:55What we want you to do is to look at this photograph
07:57and provide an amusing caption.
07:59The photograph is right over there, so look at it now.
08:01Look at it!
08:03Ooh, uh...
08:04Don't have to hurry you.
08:06Um...
08:06So it's ooh, uh.
08:07Clive, can you do any better than ooh, uh, do you think?
08:09Uh, well...
08:11Hmm.
08:12So we've got to choose between ooh, uh, and well.
08:15Ooh.
08:16Tricky.
08:17Very tricky indeed.
08:18What do you think, Macaulay?
08:18I think we'll have to call it a draw.
08:20I think you're right.
08:21Um, Imelda, could you accept this, um,
08:23old-fashioned English assortment cigar tin from us
08:26as our, uh, as your prize?
08:27And, Clive, please accept this small kiss on the brow
08:30from Macaulay.
08:32Good night.
08:35Strange man.
08:37And talking of strange men...
08:39No, well, what I always say is...
08:42If it walks like a duck,
08:44cracks like a duck,
08:45shoot it.
08:47I was christened gay, you see.
08:50Um, it's a perfectly common name in the 1950s,
08:54but, uh, today, well, it has connotations, doesn't it?
08:57You know, if you go around saying,
08:58hello, I'm gay.
09:00So I went to the depot place,
09:02and, uh,
09:03I changed it to
09:05rampantly homosexual.
09:12Another one, please, Barman.
09:14You sure?
09:16What?
09:16No offence, but this will be your seventh.
09:18You just keep him coming.
09:20Righto.
09:20Your funeral.
09:27Bitch.
09:28Come again?
09:29My wife.
09:30Oh.
09:31She doesn't understand me.
09:33She's never understood me.
09:35What, uh,
09:36Polish or something, have you?
09:40Have you ever been,
09:41have you ever been trapped
09:42in a loveless marriage
09:43with a woman you despised?
09:44Phew, not since I was nine.
09:48Do you like it straight up?
09:52What?
09:52Or with ice.
09:54Ice.
09:54Oh, I know.
09:56Cocktail, onion?
09:57No, thanks.
09:58She takes no interest in my friends.
10:01You know?
10:01She laughs at my peanuts.
10:03Hobbies.
10:07She doesn't even value
10:09my crinkle-cut, cheesy, what's-it
10:11career.
10:13You know, it's just so depressing.
10:15All right, so other men
10:16have got larger clums.
10:20Salaries and better prospects
10:22and other men can boast
10:24a healthier-looking stool.
10:28Lifestyle.
10:30All right, you know,
10:31so, so I haven't got loads
10:33of cash hanging around.
10:34You know, but why complain?
10:36Other people are worse off.
10:37I've got a job.
10:37I've got two sweet,
10:39rosy nibbles.
10:40Do you know what I mean?
10:44She's always going on
10:46and on and on
10:46about my appearance.
10:48I mean, it's not as if
10:48she's an oil painting.
10:50You know, I mean, frankly,
10:50she's plain and prawn-flavoured.
10:53She's not as young
10:54as she used to be herself.
10:57I don't know why I bother
10:58with women.
10:59I'd be better off
10:59being a fruit.
11:03Monk or a hermit
11:04or something.
11:05At least if I was a fag.
11:08At least if I was a monk.
11:10You know, I wouldn't have
11:11to put up with women,
11:12you know, women going
11:13on and on
11:14and talk the hind leg
11:15off a camel.
11:18You know,
11:18the top is I couldn't live
11:19without women.
11:20You know, in a monastery,
11:21the best you can hope for
11:22is a bit of chocolate hobnob.
11:26Peace and spirituality.
11:29Let's face it,
11:29we haven't slept together
11:30for years.
11:32You know, the best
11:32I can hope for
11:33is a bit of savoury finger.
11:36A bit of a...
11:38A bit of a couple of cushions.
11:42And naturally,
11:43she won't let me give her
11:44so much as a good juicy tongue
11:45in the back passage.
11:51Just a peck on the cheek.
11:55I'll tell you,
11:56I'll tell you,
11:56the trouble with that woman
11:58is that she's just a
11:59rather disgusting-looking tart
12:00that should have been
12:01disposed of ages ago.
12:04I'll tell you what it is.
12:05She's a complainer.
12:06That's what she is.
12:07Complainer.
12:10Well, one more for the road,
12:11I think, Barman.
12:12Certainly.
12:13Anything to go with it?
12:15Bag of oral sex,
12:16if you've got one.
12:18Oh, pants first.
12:20Always pants first.
12:21Then socks.
12:23Then shoes.
12:24Trousers.
12:25Shirt.
12:25Tie.
12:28Possibly a hat.
12:30But only if I'm really hungry.
12:33It's funny.
12:33We had this thrush
12:35outside our bedroom window.
12:37And it kept us awake for weeks.
12:39So in the end,
12:40I got up and poured
12:41natural yoghurt all over it.
12:48Hello, Julie.
12:49Hello, Frank.
12:50Kettle's on.
12:50No, Tar.
12:52Julie, there's something
12:53I wanted to tell you.
12:53Oh, well, can't it wait?
12:54Only I've got to pick
12:55Rebecca up at four.
12:56Well, not really, no.
12:58Well, make it quick, then.
12:59Yeah, well, I'm trying.
13:00Only I've got to pick
13:01Rebecca up at four.
13:02Yeah, well, it's not easy.
13:04Oh, blimey.
13:04Look, it's nearly four now.
13:05I've got to pick
13:06Rebecca up in a minute.
13:07No, no, hold on, love.
13:08This is important.
13:10Important?
13:10Yeah.
13:11You see, the thing is this.
13:12I've...
13:13Bill!
13:14Sorry, am I...
13:15No, no, it's all right.
13:16My father's going to tell me
13:17something important,
13:18but I've got to pick
13:19Rebecca up at four, so...
13:21Well, I'll pick
13:21Rebecca up if you like.
13:22Yeah, sure.
13:24Yeah, no problem.
13:26What time?
13:27Uh, four.
13:29Oh, blimey.
13:30It's nearly four now.
13:31No.
13:31Well, I'll go and pick
13:33her up, then.
13:33Well, kettle's on.
13:34No, thanks, treacle.
13:35Look, I'd better
13:36move on, so I'll
13:37make it by four.
13:38Oh, thanks.
13:39All right, see ya, sis.
13:40See ya.
13:41Now, then, what's so important?
13:44Well...
13:44Kettle's on, by the way.
13:46No, thanks, no.
13:46It sure won't take a minute.
13:48No, no, you see,
13:49the thing is this, Jimmy...
13:51Sorry, am I, uh...
13:52What's wrong?
13:52What's wrong?
13:53Rebecca, all right?
13:53I did it fine.
13:54No, tell me what's happened.
13:55Nothing's happened.
13:56It's just...
13:57What?
13:58Well, where am I
13:58going to pick her up from?
14:01Oh, Rebecca?
14:02Yeah.
14:03Tony's.
14:04Oh, Tony's.
14:05Great.
14:05Yeah, what time?
14:06Oh, I said four.
14:07Oh, blimey.
14:10I'd better make a move.
14:11I might make it by four.
14:14Now, then,
14:15let's have that tea.
14:17No, not for me.
14:18Are you sure?
14:18Kettle's on.
14:19No, really.
14:20Oh, two seconds.
14:21Warm the pot.
14:22Couple of tea bags.
14:23Julie.
14:24What?
14:25Yeah, I'd love a cup of tea.
14:26Oh, now, this big important thing that can't wait.
14:30Well, it's not very easy, love, because the thing is...
14:33Sugar?
14:33Uh, yeah, two, thanks.
14:35Look, we've known each other for some time, haven't we?
14:37Yeah.
14:38I suppose what I'm trying to say is this.
14:41I've been...
14:42Either of you two have seen Bill?
14:43Bill?
14:43Yeah, you're supposed to be giving me a lift.
14:45No, he's gone to French Rebecca.
14:46What time?
14:48Nine?
14:48Oh, no, wait a minute.
14:49Four.
14:50Four?
14:50Four.
14:51Sure.
14:51Sure, I'll be back in a minute.
14:53Oh, well, go on, then.
14:55Kettle on, is it?
15:05Oh, little girl, would you like a sweetie?
15:10Would you put your hand in mine?
15:13I promise not to hurt you or impinge upon your virtue.
15:17All I want is half a second of your time.
15:20Oh, little girl, won't you smile into the camera?
15:25Oh, this time I know we'll get the perfect shot.
15:28Now, do you think that it would hurt
15:30if you just undid your shirt
15:32and showed the readers everything you've got?
15:36Little girl, you really mustn't worry.
15:40No one will respect you any less.
15:43When all is said and done, you know it's just a bit of fun.
15:47Now, be a sport, take off that pretty dress.
15:53Little girl, can't you see now you are famous?
15:57Your name is on the nation's lips.
16:01Over breakfast, they'll admire you.
16:03In their lunch hour, they'll desire you.
16:05And by tea time, you'll be wrapping up their chips.
16:08Little girl, congratulations on your record.
16:12They played it on the wireless just today.
16:16It was fast and rather naughty
16:18when straight in at number 40.
16:20Though the DJ said that's where it ought to stay.
16:25Little girl, so you got married to a pop star.
16:29I can hardly work my camera for the tears.
16:33But as you said your fun goodbyes,
16:35I got a great one on your thighs.
16:37What a shame you were divorced within a year.
16:42Little girl, you're not a girl and you're not little.
16:48But there's still one thing I'd love it if you do.
16:55Although she's slightly shorter,
16:59I would love to meet your daughter.
17:03Do you think that she would like to follow you?
17:07Do you think that she would like to follow you?
17:17Please, over there.
17:18Is that right?
17:19There it is.
17:23Yes?
17:26Ah, well, now, I'm a lifelong dyed-in-the-wool don't know.
17:31No, really.
17:33Well, yeah, you see, I've got a system.
17:36I mean, I know people say there's no such thing as a perfect system.
17:38Yeah, mine's pretty good.
17:39What happens is I vote Conservative in elections
17:42and if there isn't an election, I vote Labour.
17:45That's important.
17:48I'm one of those, um, one of those ones that, uh,
17:51oh, what are they called?
17:52People who change their minds all the time.
17:54An archetypal, um...
17:57Oh, what's the phrase?
17:58Someone who votes first this way and then that way.
18:00I'm, um, something voter.
18:03That's, that's, that's what I am.
18:07You know, with the pace of modern life being what it is,
18:10it's sometimes hard, isn't it,
18:11to make time for the simple things,
18:12like masturbation and brewing a really good pot of tea
18:16because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we,
18:18by the instant merchants, uh, instant coffee,
18:21instant traffic, instant hair,
18:23instant devolution of power to local government
18:25through the channels of tariff reform
18:26and the implementation of local rating measures.
18:28Well, to help you slow down and make time,
18:31I'm going to get snutty here
18:32to take us through the traditional way
18:34to make a pot of hot, strong, hot, strong, good,
18:37strong, hot, warming, but not hotting,
18:39good, fresh, fresh, good tea.
18:40Good. Snuts.
18:42Well, first step is to warm the pot.
18:44Well, priceless piece of advice right there,
18:46ladies and gentlemen.
18:47Next, find yourself an area of soil,
18:52not less than two metres square,
18:54preferably south-facing,
18:55where you can plant a tea plant.
18:58And that's where we, that's where we get tea from, is it?
19:00Sorry?
19:01From the tea plant, that's where we get tea from, is it?
19:03Yeah, that's where we get cups and saucers.
19:09Having, um...
19:10Having planted a tea plant,
19:11you're looking at a number of years,
19:13perhaps three,
19:14before the bush is strong enough
19:15to yield a reasonable amount
19:16of what we call tea leaves.
19:18Can hardly wait.
19:20Hugh?
19:21Yes?
19:21Can you be a love and fetch my secateurs?
19:23Secateurs, right, where are they?
19:24At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
19:25OK.
19:26So, luckily, three years ago,
19:28Hugh mentioned they might be featuring the tea plant,
19:30so I went ahead and planted one,
19:31and here it is.
19:33So, I think if we...
19:33Carlisle?
19:34Yeah.
19:36Like, that's miles away.
19:38No, no, no, no, intercity, no time.
19:42So, if I tear off a couple of these,
19:45leaves, they give off a fabulous aroma.
19:48You're absolutely right.
19:48No time at all.
19:50Well done, well done.
19:52Very good, actually.
19:54Very good.
19:54So, was there a buffet cart?
19:57Yes, there was, actually, yes.
19:58And how was their tea?
19:59Not bad at all.
20:00It was instant,
20:01but, you know,
20:02it's not the same, really, is it?
20:04It's what?
20:04Same as this good,
20:05old-fashioned, proper,
20:06British,
20:06good,
20:07hot,
20:07fresh,
20:08hot,
20:08fresh,
20:08good,
20:09fresh,
20:09good,
20:09warming,
20:10but not hotting.
20:11Good,
20:11fresh,
20:11fresh,
20:11good tea,
20:12British.
20:13Right, so,
20:14Snuddy,
20:15you've planted your tea plant,
20:16all right,
20:17you've waited for three years,
20:18and you've warmed the pot already.
20:19Now, you can see why you warmed the pot first,
20:21can't you?
20:21To save time, of course.
20:22So, what's,
20:24what's the next stage?
20:25Well, now,
20:25we go to a restaurant or cafe
20:27where they have a reputation
20:28for serving an excellent cup of tea.
20:30Let's do that.
20:32Yeah,
20:32we're not,
20:33not really very interested in politics,
20:35not very adventurous,
20:36you know,
20:38missionary position's always been all right for us,
20:40so why change?
20:42People always mock things that they can't understand.
20:45That's why they mock John Major being Prime Minister.
20:48Nobody can understand how it happened.
20:52I went to the, uh,
20:53theatre the other night,
20:54the national theatre,
20:55our national theatre,
20:56our royal national theatre,
20:58saw a play.
20:59Yes, all right,
21:00it was only a play.
21:01Oh, brilliant,
21:02so now I'm to be judged and mocked and whipped and scorned
21:04because it was only a play, am I?
21:06It's all right,
21:06it was only a sod-buggering play.
21:09No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
21:11Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Henry
21:14or any of the big stars.
21:15Jesus Christ,
21:16what do you want from me, huh?
21:17Hmm?
21:18Hmm?
21:19I mean, Christ,
21:20at least I'd bother to get off my fat,
21:22wobbling, festering,
21:24lardy carpet
21:25and actually go to the theatre
21:27suddenly on Adolf Eichmann.
21:28Well, I mean,
21:29he just,
21:29oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave?
21:34God!
21:35I mean, what if,
21:36what is the earthly point of trying
21:37just for once in your life,
21:39just trying
21:40to make an honest,
21:41decent salad
21:42from no other motive
21:43other than love
21:43and a decent desire
21:45without the crudging,
21:47arshing thing
21:48coming apart in your hands?
21:52Anyway,
21:53I saw a play there
21:54by Shakespeare,
21:56as it happens,
21:57and so I started thinking,
21:59thinking about Shakespeare.
22:00Oh, damn it!
22:01Blast!
22:02This cocking cucumber!
22:05Why does it have to be like this?
22:08I watched television last night.
22:10It was like,
22:11it was like staring into a sewer.
22:14I counted 23 tits,
22:1714 arses,
22:18and a thigh.
22:19Hmm?
22:20Well, I mean,
22:20why can't,
22:21why can't they,
22:21why can't they show something on television
22:23that shows you don't have to be,
22:24you don't have to be dirty?
22:25Hmm?
22:26You don't have to be dirty.
22:32Hello,
22:33and welcome to
22:34Don't Be Dirt-er.
22:35A show that shows
22:36you don't have to be dirty.
22:38With us is Tony,
22:39three-time semi-finalist,
22:41and John,
22:42keen to be clean,
22:43who came through unexpectedly
22:44when last week's finalist,
22:46Mr Nottingham,
22:46died in a canoe.
22:48Tony,
22:49I'd like you to start first.
22:50Would you describe for us,
22:52Tony, please,
22:53the act of fellatio,
22:54that's the act only of fellatio,
22:56without Tony,
22:57and I'm sure you must know
22:58the rules be now,
22:59without being dirty.
23:01And the time starts,
23:02five seconds ago.
23:04Uh,
23:04this is an act
23:05that takes place
23:06between two people,
23:07possibly of opposite sexes,
23:08but possibly not.
23:09Careful, Tony.
23:10Uh, whereby
23:11one of the participants
23:12takes apart
23:12the other participant's person
23:14into the place
23:15where they might
23:16more commonly
23:16keep bubble gum,
23:18say,
23:18and, uh,
23:19proceeds to masticate.
23:19Ooh, Tony,
23:20I thought you were a goner there.
23:21You came to find that.
23:22Until the other participant
23:23arrives at a state
23:25of, uh,
23:26pleasurable relaxation.
23:27Uh,
23:27the second participant
23:28then gives the first participant
23:30ten quid
23:31and goes home.
23:32Oh,
23:33unbelievable!
23:34Can no-one beat
23:35a big man
23:35from Hunstampton.
23:37Well,
23:37John,
23:37it's up to you.
23:38Now,
23:39your topic
23:39is the preservation
23:40of hardwoods.
23:42Time starts.
23:43Then.
23:44Well,
23:44this is a very necessary
23:45business operation.
23:46Uh,
23:47Tony's challenged.
23:48He said business.
23:49You did say business,
23:50John,
23:51you did.
23:51Little bit dirty there.
23:52Minute away,
23:53but plenty of time to go.
23:54Operation that has to be carried out
23:55if developers are not
23:56to raise our hardwood for us.
23:58Another challenge
23:59from our reigning champion.
24:00The nature of your challenge,
24:01Tony, please.
24:01He said,
24:01he said raise.
24:02He did say raise,
24:03Tony.
24:03Raise is an anagram of arse.
24:05Raise is an anagram of arse,
24:07Johnny.
24:07Tis-y,
24:07tis-y,
24:08tis.
24:08So sorry,
24:09I'm afraid we have to lose you.
24:10You were keen to be clean,
24:11but you came up against a man
24:12very much at the top of his forearm.
24:14So sorry to say goodbye.
24:15Oh,
24:15piss.
24:17Tony,
24:18you've been in this position before.
24:20You keep the £800 in weight.
24:21They're yours to keep,
24:22as of right.
24:23No one can take them away from you,
24:24but I'm offering you now
24:25another £600
24:27plus an opportunity
24:29to go into our
24:30don't be dirty daily double
24:31with a chance to win £10.
24:33I'll go for the daily double.
24:34I knew you'd say that,
24:35Tony.
24:35You're a sport.
24:36Quite a sport.
24:37But do remember
24:38that the prizes that you've won
24:39are yours to keep.
24:40They're yours.
24:41Yours alone.
24:41You're clear on that?
24:42I'm clear on that badly, yes.
24:43All right,
24:44so long as you're clear on that,
24:44they're yours.
24:45No one else's,
24:46just yours.
24:47All right,
24:47can we have the
24:48don't be dirty
24:49daily double categories
24:50on the board, please?
24:52Your categories are
24:53rimming,
24:55genital torture,
24:57and David Vine.
25:00Now, remember,
25:01this is a daily double,
25:02so two subjects,
25:03Tony.
25:05I'll have to hurry you
25:05as you take your time.
25:06Just take your time
25:07very quickly.
25:10Genital torture
25:10and David Vine,
25:12please, Bradley.
25:13Tony.
25:14Tony.
25:15You have 30
25:17earth seconds
25:18in which to talk
25:19about genital torture
25:21and David Vine.
25:22And those 30 seconds,
25:23Johnny,
25:24start.
25:25Oh, damn,
25:27just missed that one.
25:28Coming up.
25:32No.
25:33Nipple clamps
25:34and scrotal compressors
25:36are frequently deployed
25:38as well as a variety
25:38of serrated nipples
25:39which are inserted
25:40into parts of the body
25:42normally kept inside
25:43pants and vests.
25:45Presenting various
25:46sporting events,
25:47most notably the
25:48world snooker finals
25:49from the Crucible Theater
25:50Sheffield,
25:51David Vine combines
25:52an easy, relaxed
25:53presentational style
25:55with a clear expertise
25:56on the game.
25:58Oh, Tony.
25:59Tony, you said
26:00on the game.
26:01Oh, you're dirty,
26:02Tony, and that's a bit it.
26:03I was, I was dirty.
26:05Shite-ass Dan.
26:06Only four seconds
26:07could go
26:07and you were dirty.
26:09Tony, I'm so sorry.
26:10It means you lose
26:11all the prizes
26:12you won last week
26:13and the prizes
26:13you won tonight.
26:14They're gone.
26:15They're not yours.
26:16They're lost.
26:16As of right,
26:17they're not yours anymore.
26:19I'm afraid you have
26:20to repay to us
26:20your travel expenses
26:22and you leave us
26:23empty-headed.
26:24But, Tony,
26:24you knew the risks.
26:25I did.
26:25Bradley, yes,
26:26I knew the risks.
26:26But tell me this thing,
26:27Tony.
26:28Have you had a good time
26:29on Don't Be Dirty?
26:29Have you enjoyed yourself?
26:30Has it been a pleasure?
26:31It's been a,
26:32it's been a big one,
26:33Bradley.
26:34It's been a really,
26:34really big one.
26:35I've pleasured myself hugely.
26:37No, well,
26:37that's good to hear.
26:38Until next time,
26:39ladies and gentlemen,
26:40we say goodbye.
26:40But do remember this.
26:42Don't be dirty.
26:47Don't be dirty.
26:57Well,
26:59that bitch horse
27:00trumpet time
27:01has dealt us
27:01another deadly dog turd,
27:03I'm afraid.
27:04I look up
27:04at the space on the wall
27:05that's covered
27:06by the Fry and Laurie clock
27:07and I see that
27:07in one and a half minutes' time
27:08I will no longer
27:09be able to say,
27:10ladies and gentlemen,
27:11you are watching
27:12a bit of Fry and Laurie.
27:13I can say it now,
27:14however.
27:15Ladies and gentlemen,
27:16you are watching
27:17a bit of Fry and Laurie.
27:19But not for long.
27:21Have you?
27:22What?
27:22I'd be interested
27:23to see the memo
27:23from the Director General
27:24that gives you permission
27:25to butt in like that.
27:27I'm so very sorry.
27:28I can certainly show you
27:29the memo that tells you
27:30to butt out.
27:31That's quite right.
27:33Well, now it comes
27:34to that time
27:35where I ask our guests
27:36to tell me
27:37the kind, sort
27:38or kind of cocktail
27:39that they would like
27:40served to them this evening.
27:41Lady guest
27:42and gentle guest,
27:43faite vos choix,
27:44s'il vous plaît.
27:52Well, I want
27:53one of each.
27:54No, no, no.
27:54I think we'll plump
27:56for the South Seas
27:58Vulvic Wart.
27:59Mmm.
28:00The South Seas
28:01Vulvic Wart.
28:02Well, for this
28:03you will need
28:04two scooped out melons,
28:05plenty of ice,
28:07some dry London gin.
28:09Check,
28:10that should be
28:10wet London gin.
28:12You will need
28:13the opening paragraph
28:14of George Eliot's
28:15Silas Marner.
28:17You will need
28:18a wedge of toast
28:18for decoration,
28:19a lump of
28:20Cinsano Bianco,
28:22of course,
28:23some Cointreau,
28:25and some photographs
28:27of Lec Verwensa
28:28attached to cocktail sticks.
28:31And as I prepare
28:32a South Seas
28:33genital wart,
28:34I say,
28:35as I like to
28:36on these occasions,
28:37those six refreshing words
28:39that unlock the door
28:40to sophisticated
28:41evening happiness.
28:42I say,
28:44please, Mr. Music,
28:45will you play?
29:37Sue Peatress.
29:38Sue Peatress.