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00:03Oh, my God.
00:3012 inches, 7 inches, 2, 1. I'm sure it's getting smaller in here.
00:40My kitchen is haunted.
00:43I was in there the other day and there's a definite area that's several degrees colder than the rest of
00:47the room.
00:53I was looking at it the other day and I thought, that's my fridge.
00:57But my kitchen is haunted.
00:58The other morning I got up and I found the ghost of Anne Boleyn trying to get the lid off
01:03a jar of beetroot.
01:04And there was Mozart helping himself to the Nesquik.
01:08Banana flavour.
01:10I thought, well, I'm not having this.
01:12I don't see why I should provide a load of foodstuffs for dead celebrities.
01:16So I thought, what I need is I need an exorcist.
01:18So I went down to have a look at the cards in the newsagent's window, you know.
01:22You get some funny cards in these windows, don't you?
01:24I saw one once, massage in the oval area.
01:32You want to be careful what you buy from these cards.
01:35I saw one once that said, contents of tropical fish tank for sale.
01:38I went round this bloke's house and gave him 15 pounds for eight gallons of water.
01:45And he didn't have a bag to put it in.
01:48I had to carry it home in me mouth.
01:53Stopped by the police, what can you do?
01:54You know, I had to swallow it.
01:58Not for the first time.
02:00But then there's a card I don't understand at all, you know.
02:04For sale, three tonnes of coal.
02:07Unwanted Christmas present.
02:11For sale, a spoon.
02:14Owner going abroad.
02:18For sale, six travel documents, one passport.
02:21Owner not going abroad.
02:22Floor.
02:24For sale.
02:36The law.
02:41For sale.
02:43Don't move.
02:43Poor car.
02:45For sale.
02:48I won't move.
02:49For sale.
02:53I don't know.
03:30Let's play blockbusters.
03:32And then you get these other cards in newsagents' windows.
03:39Things like sexy French maid, sexy Swedish maid, Miss Whiplash, phone me now.
03:45It's terrible. Why are the numbers always engaged?
03:49But then I suddenly saw the card I was looking for.
03:53Exorcisms a speciality. Exorcisms and drains unblocked.
03:58So I went round this bloke's house, and he lived in Tudin, and I went round to his house,
04:02and there was a pile of horse manure in the middle of his living room carpet.
04:07I said, what's that doing there? He said, it keeps the flies off me dinner.
04:14So, anyway, he comes round to my kitchen. He's standing in the kitchen. He says, ah, yes.
04:19He's starting tuning into the vibrations. He says, ah, yes. He said, there's a very definite
04:22area in here that's several degrees cold in the rest of the room.
04:26I said, yeah, it's the fridge. We've done that one about five minutes ago.
04:28He said, well, I wasn't there. Well, I'm telling you.
04:33So, he said, no, he said, I'll tell you what you've got here. He said, you've got a poltergeist.
04:37He said, um, I said, I wondered who was doing the washing up.
04:41He said, look, you don't understand. This thing is pure evil.
04:45I said, what are you talking about? Look at the shine it's got on these saucepans.
04:49Does that look like the work of a demon to you?
04:52He said, no. He says, what it is, he says, behind your extractor fan,
04:56there's a hole in the fabric of time. He says, so, consequently, everyone who's ever died
05:03is using your kitchen as a kind of ghostly canteen. He said, I'll tell you what I'll do, he said.
05:10I can summon up the spirits of ancient Egypt and command them to close the gateway between
05:16your world and theirs, or I can nail a bit of chipboard up.
05:25So, he nailed a bit of chipboard up, you know, and since then, I haven't looked back.
05:29Obviously, if there's a sudden noise, I sort of do that, but that's just a reflex action.
05:33I can't help that.
05:39Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke.
05:47Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. edited him.
05:51Where is Heinz the Milton?
05:52Heinz? He's over there, enjoying his last night of freedom, for he is to be married in the morning.
06:02Heinz...heins, I've just come from the Castle Frankenstein.
06:07Baron has ordered an extra pint of milk in the morning.
06:12an extra point
06:13but we all know what this means
06:15he's up to his old tricks again
06:18old tricks?
06:19yes
06:19a long time ago
06:21he stole bodies from the graveyard
06:23he cut them up
06:25and used the pieces to build himself a hideous monster
06:28what's happened again?
06:30a drink for every man in the house
06:34it is Will the carpenter
06:37why do you celebrate Will?
06:40I have just finished my work
06:42at Castle Frankenstein
06:46work?
06:48what work is there for you at the castle?
06:50well I've been building an extra bed
06:53how big is this bed?
06:55about 8 feet long
07:00wait
07:01what is that sound?
07:05oh my god
07:06it's not human
07:08and it's coming this way
07:14oh blimey
07:15it's shutting me out down here tonight
07:18here can I have a pint of lager please love?
07:24have you got any dry roasted peanuts?
07:27get back
07:28get back I tell you
07:29what I've not missed last orders have I?
07:32what time do the pubs close around here then?
07:34go from this place you fiend from hell
07:37blimey look at the long face on him
07:40what's the matter with you mate?
07:41your lederhosen shrunk in the wash
07:43what business do you have
07:45here in our village inn?
07:46well I just thought I'd show me face
07:48I mean this is going to be my local after all
07:50where's the wolfman been in?
07:53do you know him?
07:54for many years now
07:55the wolfman has terrorised our countryside
07:58what's wrong with that?
07:59it's when he starts terrorising people
08:01you've got something to worry about
08:03there you've got any darts?
08:04no
08:05we have no darts
08:06wait
08:07listen to ourselves
08:08we call ourselves Christians
08:11yet here we are
08:12ready to push this poor creature out into the night
08:15this creature who has a soul
08:17why should he be denied
08:19a simple game of darts?
08:21are you patronising me?
08:25she just said she hasn't got any darts
08:27what are you?
08:28thick or something?
08:29you
08:29take my darts friend
08:32alright thanks very much
08:36that's amazing
08:37yeah
08:38might have been winning
08:40I haven't seen dart throwing like that
08:43since
08:43since old Wilhelm died
08:45well that's not surprising
08:46this is his arm
08:49you mean
08:50oh yeah
08:50I'm made out of all sorts of bits and pieces
08:52you go down the graveyard
08:54you won't find a body left
08:55that hasn't had some wallop taken out of it
08:56you know what?
08:57oh yeah
08:58a wallop
08:58you see this here
08:59this is the hand of a classically trained violinist
09:02right
09:03unfortunately
09:04this is the hand of a bricklayer
09:10murder
09:13murder
09:14murder
09:14murder
09:15murder
09:16murder
09:16no
09:17murder
09:17no
09:18there's been a murder
09:19oh sorry about that
09:20you're alright
09:21it's just I'll react to simple commands
09:23you see
09:24you're alright mate
09:25yeah yeah
09:25fine
09:26did you say murder
09:27no
09:27murder
09:28stop that
09:29was I doing it again?
09:31yeah
09:31I can't help it sometimes
09:33it's the burgomaster
09:35he's been found in the woods
09:37he's been horribly mutilated
09:39somebody's cut his feet off
09:41oh yeah I did that
09:44yeah the feet I had on before were too tight for these shoes
09:49they quite suit me actually don't you?
09:51but that means you've committed
09:52m-m-m-marmite
09:56mulligatoni
09:57m-m-missus mills
09:58m-murder
10:00yes yes
10:01well why didn't you just come out and say it then?
10:03well I thought we weren't allowed to say murder
10:04m-murder
10:06this has gone far enough
10:09this creature is an abomination
10:10I say kill the monster
10:13yes
10:13kill the monster
10:15kill the monster
10:16kill the monster
10:16kill the monster
10:17kill the monster
10:18kill the monster
10:18kill the monster
10:19kill the monster
10:19have you ever been to a harvester before?
10:25kill
10:25alright alright
10:28Fritz
10:29don't you know me?
10:31how did you know my name?
10:32because Fritz
10:33although I look like a monster
10:35I have the brain of your father
10:38daddy
10:39here it is
10:40I keep it in me pocket
10:41look there we are
10:42I didn't get that
10:44now then
10:45am I getting it served in here or what?
10:47no
10:47why not?
10:48you're wearing workman's clothes
10:49what is wrong?
10:50I haven't used a living
10:56oh there he is
11:24hello
11:24do you sell shoes?
11:26yes I do
11:27I'd like a pair of Italian shoes
11:28size 10
11:29well I do stock Italian shoes
11:31but they're in continental sizes
11:32so size 10
11:34let's have a look
11:34that'll be
11:35size 44
11:37here we are
11:40that'll be 80 quid
11:41thank you very much
11:43I'll pick the other one up tomorrow
11:44alright
11:44that's fine yeah
11:48a size 40
11:49it'll never fit in
11:51sports shoes
11:52that's a tricky business
11:53to be in
11:54you've got to buy
11:55exactly the right shoe
11:56for the right kind
11:57for sporting activity
11:58a pair of spiked running shoes
12:00are brilliant for the 400 metres
12:02but rubbish
12:03if you trampoline him
12:05at one point
12:06you could only ever buy
12:07plimsolls
12:08now you can buy
12:09fish
12:09glass
12:10eggs
12:11electrical equipment
12:12you know
12:14paint
12:14door knockers
12:15anything
12:15people who are really
12:17seriously interested in running
12:19can buy a pair of shoes
12:20where you pump air
12:21into the soles
12:22they're called air soles
12:26well is that the people
12:27who wear them
12:29what I can't understand
12:30is
12:31why is it that places
12:32that repair shoes
12:33also cut keys
12:36I mean where's the connection there
12:39you don't say
12:40oh the heels come off me shoe
12:41I'd better get a key cut
12:42from the back door
12:44you don't get other shops
12:45selling unusual combinations
12:46do you
12:47you don't say
12:47oh look
12:48there's a do-it-yourself shop
12:49that also sells pasta
12:52let's go and get some
12:53taglitelli
12:53and a stepladder
12:54would you put those heels
12:56on my shoes
12:57heels
12:58heels
12:59I thought you said heels
13:05did you want them jellied
13:07that would be nice
13:08yeah well here
13:09I'll just give them a go then
13:15do you mind if I sit here
13:17no
13:18no certainly
13:19please go ahead
13:20it's just that the pilot's canteen
13:21is full at the moment
13:22we've all been grounded
13:23yeah yeah
13:24I noticed there hadn't been any flights
13:25this morning
13:26I'm a bit of a plane buff
13:28plane buff
13:30what are you an envelope
13:35where'd you go for your holidays
13:36Manila
13:38no no no
13:39I'm a plane spotter
13:40I jot down the numbers of the planes
13:42as they fly in and out
13:43well you won't see many today
13:45worse weather for us pilots
13:46bright sunshine
13:48I would have thought that fog was the pilot's worst enemy
13:50oh contraire
13:53fog is the pilot's friend
13:55you make a mistake up there
13:56nearly hit a plane
13:57you can disappear into the fog
13:58before anyone gets your number
14:01and then when you hear about it in the canteen later
14:03you can pretend to be as amazed
14:04as the rest of the pilots
14:06what no really
14:07a wingspan
14:09that's the worst thing that can happen to a pilot
14:10you know nearly hitting another plane
14:12no the worst thing that can happen to a pilot
14:14is you're in bed with some woman
14:15and her husband comes home
14:18now on second thoughts
14:19the worst thing that can happen to a pilot
14:21is you're eating a bowl of rice pudding
14:22and it suddenly turns into a leopard
14:26so
14:27do you fly 747s
14:29I fly anything
14:30apart from furniture
14:33you can't fly furniture
14:34it hasn't got any wings on it
14:36I did all my training in the RAF
14:38you know
14:38flying bombers
14:39even now
14:40I sometimes press a button on the flight deck
14:42and drop everybody's luggage over Berlin
14:45really?
14:46of course
14:47I'm no stranger to luggage
14:48maybe a suitcase
14:49looks like its owner
14:51oh yeah?
14:51yeah
14:52especially
14:52especially if the owner's got crocodile skin
14:54and a zip right down the front of your face
14:57do you ever come across any contraband?
14:59you know
14:59people trying to smuggle stuff from customs
15:01well
15:01the professionals don't hide stuff in suitcases
15:04anymore
15:04no?
15:05no no
15:05the really clever ones smuggle stuff in by swallowing it
15:08one bloke swallowed two pitbull terriers
15:11what did you do?
15:13they stuck him in a room and let nature take its course
15:15what happened?
15:16they hit him
15:19so I can't hang around here all day
15:20the forecast dense fog for this afternoon
15:22so I suppose I'll be ready for take off
15:24yeah nice talking to you
15:39now is the winter of our discontent
15:43all the freeze
15:48glorious summer by this son of york
15:51on its own
15:52number one
15:53and all the clouds that loud upon our house
15:57house
15:58a house called eyes down for the next soliloquy
16:02much I love it
16:02look at these
16:06I've polished these shoes so much
16:07I can see me facing them
16:14I was thinking of buying one of those automatic shoe cleaners
16:18but a nobody round here wears automatic shoes
16:21apart from the bloke at number 27
16:23his wife bought him a pair of radio controlled shoes
16:27so she can send him down to shops anytime she likes
16:30he's got no say in the matter
16:32she presses the on button
16:33and he's off to Tesco's at 45 miles an hour
16:36red-faced and swearing
16:38he usually comes through here about now as a matter of fact
16:40you've got it cow
16:41this is the third time we've got to go shopping
16:44I wanted to watch the car today
16:51gentlemen
16:55gentlemen
16:55the queen
16:59the queen
17:04now gentlemen some sections of the army
17:07have the audacity to call us the regiment of cowards
17:11well we're not going to put up with any longer
17:13because we are in fact the royal regiment of cowards
17:18who can forget our first commanding officer
17:21general osborne
17:22with his famous battle cry
17:23no
17:24after you
17:28general osborne
17:29the first man to fully appreciate the military tactic of staying at home
17:34in one frightening moment in the second world war he found himself behind enemy lines
17:3915,000 miles behind them in florida
17:44sir
17:45i can't maintain my silence a moment longer
17:48i see
17:50do you feel better now
17:51yes thanks
17:53now i need to remind you the next tuesday is the day of the royal visit
17:57sir
17:58you just said you didn't need to remind us about the royal visit
18:01yes
18:01and then you reminded us
18:03so
18:03so if you do remind us when we don't need to be reminded
18:07how do we know when we're not being reminded about something that we should be being reminded
18:10about
18:11i bet you're ten quid you can't repeat that
18:14all right
18:17i didn't say when i was going to repeat it it might be next year
18:19all right fair enough
18:20i'm still back
18:21make a note of that in the mess book
18:24can i point out that the mess book is very untidy sir
18:26i see
18:27when would you like to point that out
18:28tomorrow morning sir
18:29that's fine by me
18:29excuse me
18:31but i'm pointing out something tomorrow morning sir
18:33oh what's that then
18:33well if i told you that now
18:34there'd be no point in my pointing it out tomorrow morning sir
18:36thank you for pointing it out
18:39he's a bit cheeky isn't he
18:41you'll never starve
18:42anyway people say to me
18:44they say that i shouldn't be in the royal regiment of cowards
18:47because of all these medals on my chest here
18:52i've forgotten where i put them
18:53but let me tell you
18:54that i won these medals fair and square
18:58oh
18:59i won them in a poker game
19:04gentlemen
19:05will you please stand
19:06for the regimental motto
19:10we surrender
19:26hello
19:27and a warm welcome again
19:29to paul merton's golden years of hollywood
19:32tonight we pay tribute
19:34to the last of the great hollywood maverick movie film directors
19:37gf mcintyre
19:39mcintyre was a total perfectionist
19:42in his 1943 movie
19:44the curse of rameses
19:46he insisted on auditioning the sand
19:49subjecting each grain to several screen tests
19:52ever the stickler for detail
19:55he insisted that the pyramids wore makeup
20:01mcintyre was also known for making cameo appearances in each one of his films
20:06in this scene from his 1938 classic weepy lavender romance
20:11eagle-eyed viewers might just be able to spot him
20:17charles
20:18these last few days have been absolute heaven for me
20:21i never realized such happiness was possible
20:24yeah
20:24how long i've waited for this moment
20:26just you
20:27me
20:27the moonlight
20:33mcintyre
20:34mcintyre
20:34flouted the studio system
20:36and was notorious for his unpredictable decisions
20:39when cast in for the sheriff of tombstone gulch
20:42he saw gregory peck in moby dick
20:45and immediately signed up the star
20:48the gambling scene
20:50is rightly considered a classic
20:52poor jacks
20:53damn
20:56gee stranger
20:58looks like you got one too many cards up that sleeve of yours
21:03easy roy
21:06we got our own way of dealing with cheats in this town
21:11whoa
21:12whoa
21:13hey let me down let me down
21:15mcintyre was a workaholic
21:18often drinking free bottles of workahol a day
21:24in 1958 whilst making rockets and neptune
21:27he also started work on another film
21:30the victorian melodrama the fallen woman
21:33but unfortunately due to a series of terrible mistakes by the processors
21:37neither film was publicly screened
21:41until now
21:44emily
21:44i'm not entirely happy with your attitude toward the servants
21:48well i'm sorry claude
21:49but if a kitchen maid comes to me for help
21:52how can i refuse
21:55i've spoken with the butler
21:57and he informs me that he has already dismissed the kitchen maid
22:01yes
22:02well the butler doesn't run this household
22:07i won't be spoken to like that
22:10emily
22:11i think you sometimes forget
22:13who exactly is the master in this house
22:32ah but i see the projectionist has caught my eye once again
22:35and so until the next time we unravel our celluloid ribbon of dreams
22:40may i bid you farewell from paul merton's golden years of hollywood
22:45thank you so much for having a good day
23:15so let's go first and be sure
23:17Oh, my God.
23:57That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Legalize Cannabis Party.