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00:28Hello? Is anybody there?
00:30Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
00:34Yes, I'd like a packet of boiled sweets, please.
00:37A packet of boiled sweets? Certainly, sir.
00:42Anything else?
00:44Yes, I'd like... Excuse me, but is the camera necessary?
00:47It's a security measure, sir, to deter shoplifters.
00:51Not that I am suggesting you are a shoplifter, sir.
00:54Now, is there anything else for my extensive range of produce that catches your eye?
00:58Yes, sir. Do you have any men's magazines?
01:02Oh, certainly, sir. I stock all the latest titles.
01:04Whip Weekly, Cammy Knickers Gazette,
01:08Wet Stilettos, Gums,
01:11Farming Today.
01:13Cammy Knickers Gazette, please.
01:15Certainly.
01:18And a Daily Star.
01:19Certainly, sir.
01:22And, er, could I have a brown paper bag for the Daily Star, please?
01:27Of course.
01:29That'll be £4.50.
01:42And here's your change.
01:49What a nice man.
01:59They say it's been a long, dry summer in Yugoslavia.
02:04And the eagle flies high for this time of year.
02:10I have a very long shopping list, but the car park is full of soup.
02:16And the faded dart board is made out of putty.
02:19I hope it doesn't spoil your game.
02:24My friend, the plumber, needs a very heavy bicycle.
02:30The ectoplasm in my grandfather's waistcoat
02:34has recently applied for a job at the Natural History Museum.
02:42The swan has returned his library book.
02:46What?
02:49The swan has returned his library book.
02:53I'm sorry, wrong spy.
03:16Wait, I'm returning, Matt.
03:18Didn't you like it?
03:19No.
03:19Have you got any others?
03:20Well, I've got a few.
03:21Have you got Bonnie Langford in Bloodbath for Satan?
03:25No, that one's out at the moment.
03:27How about the latest Dustin Hoffman?
03:29The one where he plays an alien from outer space.
03:31Which one's that?
03:32You know.
03:33He researched the character by living on another planet for six months.
03:37Don't think I know it.
03:38It's called Bug-Eyed Bastard.
03:41No, I definitely don't know it.
03:43How about the Berlin Affair?
03:45You got that one?
03:46The Berlin Affair?
03:47Yeah, it's on at the Odeon this week.
03:49Well, if it's on at the Odeon this week,
03:50it won't be released on the video for months.
03:52Oh, well, I want to see it.
03:53Well, I'll go down the Odeon and see it.
03:55No, I can't do that.
03:56The wife wants to see it as well.
03:58And, well, we can't leave the house at the same time.
04:02Why not?
04:02We're going to get burgled.
04:04We take turns to leave the house.
04:06Well, what happens when you want to leave the house together?
04:09My cousin comes round to look after the place.
04:11Well, have your cousin come round and you and your wife can go down the Odeon?
04:15No, we couldn't do that.
04:16Why not?
04:17What?
04:17My cousin's also worried about being burgled.
04:20So when he comes round to look after our house,
04:22we go round and look after his.
04:29You want a video then?
04:31Yeah, the Berlin Affair.
04:33Come back tomorrow, I'll see what I can do.
04:34All right.
04:37I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:39I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:41I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:43I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:48I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:50I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:54I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:56I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:57I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:58I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:59I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:59I'll be back in a couple of hours.
04:59I'll be back in a couple of hours.
05:01I'll be back in a couple of hours.
05:04I'll be back in a couple of hours.
05:17Ice cream
05:19Ice cream
05:33Excuse me
05:40Orange juice, please
05:42Fifty-five, please
05:44Thanks a lot, darling
05:45You've forgotten your change
05:47Thank you
05:51Sorry
05:51Sorry
05:52Sorry
05:55Thank you
06:24Oi
06:24Oi, Terry
06:26What do you want?
06:27Over here
06:28I want to sit in the no-smoking section
06:30Yeah, well, I want a fag
06:31Yeah, well, I don't
06:32Well, come over here and don't have one
06:34Terry, I'm pregnant
06:38I went to the doctor and the tests are negative
06:40Shh
06:42Well, if you're negative, you're all right then
06:43No, it was a non-pregnancy test
06:46If you pay it, it means you're pregnant
06:49It's your baby, Terry
06:50You're going to have to marry me now
06:51How do you know it's your baby?
06:53Well, of course it's my baby
06:56It's a very good film, isn't it?
06:58Very good actor
06:59I have not been seen, Wayne
07:01We're just good friends
07:02You're going out of my fixer, actually
07:17I'm afraid we've lost him
07:27Excuse me?
07:28Yeah?
07:30Is this heaven?
07:31No, they're making a Queen video
07:34What do you think?
07:35Well, I don't know
07:36I'm very confused
07:38Just arrived, have you?
07:39I think so
07:40You won't like it
07:41Talk about overcrowding
07:42No, I've never seen anything like it
07:44What do you mean?
07:45There's billions of us up here
07:46There's billions
07:47And there's no proper facilities
07:49I've got to share a bathroom
07:50With half a million plague victims
07:53That's the point, you see
07:54It doesn't matter what you did on Earth
07:55Everybody ends up here
07:57So there's no hell?
07:58You haven't seen the state of our bathroom
08:01It'll take a while to get used to
08:03The last thing I remember
08:05Is a pain in the chest
08:06Ah, you had a heart attack then
08:08Well, I did have a pacemaker fitted
08:10A couple of years ago
08:11The last thing I remember was saying
08:13Of course I know how to wire up a plug
08:16Sir, I can't hang around here all day
08:18I've got a tennis match with bait opening
08:20Half an hour
08:21I was always a keen cricket fan
08:23Hey
08:24I don't suppose there's any chance
08:25Of getting a game with WG Grace
08:27Well, no chance
08:28Booked up, is he?
08:29You can't get a decent pitch
08:31Never tried bowling on a cloud
08:33Most of them are cumulus up here
08:35No, I...
08:35There's no bounce
08:36I'll tell you that
08:37There's no bounce
08:38Mind you
08:39You might get some spin-off of Nimbus
08:40But that's about it
08:42Is there any way I can contact my wife?
08:44See, I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye
08:47Well, there's two ways you can do it
08:49There's the official way
08:50That's a seance
08:51Or you can go freelance
08:53And appear as a ghost
08:54Is that difficult?
08:55Well, there is a problem
08:56They can see you
08:58But you can't see them
08:59I once went to visit my wife
09:01And ended up haunting a chip shop in Bradford
09:04What a seance then
09:05Well, first of all
09:06Think about the number of people you've got up here
09:07And you've got somebody at a seance saying
09:10Is there anybody there called Derek?
09:12Well, yes
09:12As a matter of fact
09:13There's 38 million of them
09:15Without a national insurance number
09:16You might as well forget it
09:19Where's it been here?
09:21Something's happening to me
09:22Oh, you've been resuscitated
09:23What?
09:24In a minute you'll wake up in the hospital
09:26And the electrode's all over you
09:27Wired up to some machine
09:28You were lucky
09:29Most people don't get a second chance
09:32This time I'm going to make the most of my life
09:34I'm going to do all the things
09:35I never had time for
09:44What happened?
09:45My pacemaker exploded
09:54Excuse me
09:54Yes, sir, can I
09:56Hang on
09:58I know your face
09:59I'm sorry?
10:00I've seen you before
10:01I don't know
10:02It's Ringo Starr, isn't it?
10:05What?
10:06You've shaved the beard off then, I see
10:09Could I have a packet of toffees, please?
10:11Oh, I'm a big fan of yours
10:12Go on, say it
10:14Say what?
10:15Go on, say it, you know
10:17Thomas the tank engine
10:18Rolled into the stage
10:20Could I just have the toffees?
10:22You'll get the toffees
10:23Don't worry about that
10:23Once you've said it
10:26Thomas the tank engine rolled into the station
10:29No, not like that
10:31Do it with the accent, you know
10:33Thomas the tank engine rolled into the stage
10:38I can't do a Welsh accent like Ringo Starr
10:41Look, there's your toffees, right?
10:43You get them when you do it like you do on the telly
10:47Thomas the tank engine rolled into the station
10:51My God
10:52You're Ringo Starr
10:54You must give me your autograph
10:56I'm not Ringo Starr
10:58Can you sign this packet of tea?
10:59To Jackie
11:00My biggest fan
11:01Love Ringo
11:02No
11:02Oh
11:03I suppose you're too big to sign a packet of tea
11:07Well, don't forget
11:08We're the people who put you where you are today
11:10I'm a bus driver
11:11Yeah
11:12And I bet you only got that job
11:13Because you used to be one of the Beatles
11:16I couldn't get a job as a bus driver
11:18I tried
11:19But it turned me down
11:20But just because you're Ringo Starr
11:21You can swat into the garage
11:23Put your uniform on
11:24And take the number 75 down the high street
11:26You come here
11:27Asking for a bag of toffees
11:29You can't even do your own accent
11:31Start boasting about being a bus driver
11:34And you won't even give this woman your autograph
11:36What's it to you?
11:37Nothing
11:38But she could sell that autograph
11:40And give the money to charity
11:42Think of them little faces looking up at you
11:44Tears in their eyes
11:46Why has our hospital got to close?
11:51And a nurse looking down at them little cherubs
11:53And saying
11:54Because Ringo Starr's too busy driving a bus
11:58Come on, clear off
12:02Now, madam
12:03What can I do for you?
12:04I'd like a box of tissues, please
12:05Bette Midler
12:15Now, you're about to see your first post-mortem
12:22I hope none of you is squeamish as it can be
12:25An unnerving experience
12:27Let's begin
12:28This is Mr. Greeny Swan
12:3050 years old
12:32Entertainer
12:33Known professionally as Marvo the Magician
12:35Admitted on the 24th
12:38Died 2am this morning
12:39Well, let's get started
12:42Scalpel
12:47Retractors
12:51Forceps
12:55Can I have the bowl, please?
12:56Three
13:25I'll run
14:58You've got anything else lined up after this?
15:01Yeah, I've just landed a part in that new musical based on the life and times of Edgar Allan Poe.
15:05What's it called?
15:07Poe.
15:09A song of smile and a premature burial.
15:12You've probably heard the hit single, I hear you knocking but you can't get out.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:20How about you?
15:21I've got a job in a shopping centre advertising free-range eggs.
15:25Oh, yeah?
15:26Yeah, I've got to run up and down the escalator shouting 90p a dozen dressed as a chicken.
15:31You intrigue me strangely.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:34See that bit in the paper this morning?
15:36What was that?
15:37It's a bloke there who won £500,000 on the football pools.
15:41He says he won't let it affect his way of life.
15:43Who is that?
15:44Richard Branson.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:47And so he earns a million pounds a day.
15:50I'm lucky if I earn that in a year.
15:54Oh.
15:57Abanaza's on the piss again.
15:58He was pissed the other night.
16:00He wouldn't let go of the magic lamp.
16:01He kept rubbing it and asking it for another pint of Guinness.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:05Hardly the spirit of pantomime, is it?
16:07Stumbling around the magic cave shouting out,
16:09Has anybody seen my Rothmans?
16:12LAUGHTER
16:14He's fallen off that donkey again.
16:17I'm surprised he can stand up.
16:18It was exactly the same the last time I worked with him.
16:21I'll never forget the opening night.
16:23He made his grand entrance as Sinbad the Sailor.
16:26What was wrong with it?
16:27We were doing The Sound of Music.
16:29It was terrible.
16:31He was supposed to be a Nazi officer.
16:33What did you do?
16:33Oh, he stuck a swastika on his turban and made the best of it.
16:36That's the trouble when you're doing a different play every night.
16:40Yep, I don't know why we put up with it.
16:43Talking of which, we're on.
16:45Oh, go along, Popham.
16:47We bring you news from a fallen land.
16:51The magic lamp is now at hand.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:59I'm in the wrong play again.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04LAUGHTER
17:07I was very pleased when your headmaster, Mr Swan,
17:11asked me to come along to my old school
17:12to present the end-of-year prizes.
17:15I remember my first day here,
17:18even though it was 25 years ago.
17:20Being a stranger to the school,
17:23I made the mistake of turning up on my first day
17:25with a working-class accent.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:28For this, I took a severe caning.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:31In the face.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:34The second day,
17:36I was forced into an initiation ceremony
17:38by some of the older boys.
17:40I was made to eat my own jacket.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:44Naturally, I was reported to the headmaster
17:46for not wearing the full-school uniform.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:49I was caned across the eyes.
17:53Later that term,
17:55I was accused of coming from a family
17:57that didn't have very much money.
17:59I was taken out in front of the entire school
18:02by the headmaster.
18:03My internal organs were removed,
18:07caned and replaced.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:11But I had learned a valuable lesson.
18:13From then on,
18:14my father pretended to be in a middle-income bracket.
18:17He paid for holidays and cars he could ill afford.
18:21And when, eventually, he shot himself,
18:23some five days later,
18:26the headmaster inaugurated
18:28a new school trophy in his honour.
18:31And even today,
18:32boys still compete
18:33for the lower-class failure charity, Shield.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:37And so it is,
18:38with great pleasure,
18:40that I present the Shield
18:41to this year's winner.
18:43APPLAUSE
18:53Now that you're here,
18:56inspector,
18:57would you like a cup of tea?
19:00Yes.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03LAUGHTER
19:11Hello, good evening.
19:13And a very warm welcome again
19:15to Paul Merton's Golden Years of Hollywood.
19:17I personally take great pleasure
19:19in presenting to you each week
19:21a classic movie from Hollywood's Golden Years.
19:24And tonight's movie is no exception.
19:26It is a wonderful film.
19:28Concertina.
19:29First produced by MGM in 1934
19:33with a superb cast.
19:34Firstly, Joan Crawford.
19:37Incidentally, Joan Crawford goes outdoors
19:40more often in this film
19:41than any other film she made.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:44Apart, of course,
19:45from her 1946 classic
19:47Let's Go Outdoors
19:48for a Really Long Time.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:52When Concertina was made
19:53in the early 30s,
19:54it was customary practice
19:56to utilise sets from other films.
19:58Here we see a magnificent set,
20:00the interior of Notre Dame Cathedral,
20:03first built for the film
20:04Bedwetters of 1933.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:07But in Concertina,
20:10the same set has been completely transformed
20:12to stage the Kentucky Derby.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:18In Concertina,
20:19Joan Crawford's co-star
20:20is John Barrymore.
20:22In this film,
20:23Barrymore carries off
20:25a tremendous French accent.
20:26In fact,
20:27he learnt French the hard way
20:29from a Spaniard.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33In those far-off,
20:35heady days of Hollywood,
20:36continuity could sometimes
20:38be a problem.
20:39During breaks in filming,
20:40props would go missing
20:42or an actor would leave
20:43his tie-off.
20:45Throughout Concertina,
20:46Barrymore sports
20:47an impressive moustache.
20:49But in one famous scene,
20:51there is a temporary lapse
20:52in continuity
20:53and his moustache is replaced
20:55by a small pineapple.
20:57LAUGHTER
21:00The continuity man
21:01responsible for the pineapple error
21:03was Bobby Lomax.
21:05I suspect Bobby enjoyed
21:06many a chuckle over this mistake,
21:08even though he never worked again.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:13When the hell are you
21:14going to get another job?
21:16Tomorrow.
21:17It's been tomorrow
21:18for eight years.
21:19I'm looking, ain't I?
21:21We need the money, Bobby.
21:23Do you think I enjoy
21:24taking in dogs to wash?
21:26Listen,
21:26it's a jungle out there.
21:29Continuity work
21:30is hard to find.
21:31Yeah?
21:32Well, tell that
21:33to the continuity guy
21:34in the downstairs apartment.
21:36He's never out of a job.
21:38Don't talk to me
21:39about that guy.
21:40He works in porno movies.
21:42That's not continuity.
21:43All he has to remember
21:44is who's on top of who.
21:46The trouble with the Jew, Bobby,
21:48is that you can't even
21:49maintain continuity
21:50in your own home.
21:52That's a goddamn lie
21:54and you know it.
21:55Sometimes I think
21:58you don't even care
21:59about continuity.
22:00Of course I care.
22:02You know that.
22:03Continuity is my life.
22:06Nobody in Hollywood
22:07wants to employ
22:08Bobby the Pineapple Lomax.
22:11One mistake!
22:12A guy makes one
22:13lousy mistake in his life!
22:15How could you miss
22:17a pineapple, Bobby?
22:18I tell you,
22:19I like it all!
22:21I sometimes wonder
22:23what I ever saw
22:24in you, Bobby.
22:26Yeah, and I sometimes
22:27wonder whatever happened
22:28to the woman I married.
22:30Ah yes, concertina.
22:32A wonderful movie indeed.
22:34I just wish there was
22:35enough time left
22:35to show it.
22:37So until next week,
22:38goodbye.
22:39APPLAUSE
22:40APPLAUSE