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00:00Oh, my God.
00:30I bought this Muzak the other day. Apparently, it enhances the shopping experience.
00:38But it also contains a subliminal message which encourages people to buy things.
00:45Could I have a bag of toffees, please?
00:48Bag of toffees. There we are.
00:50And a packet of razor blades.
00:52A packet of razor blades. There we are.
00:54Buy a newspaper.
00:58Oh, and could I have a copy of the Daily Rubbish, please?
01:01Daily Rubbish. There we are. Anything else?
01:03No, that's all. Thanks.
01:04Buy some cigarettes.
01:07Oh, and a packet of cigarettes, please.
01:09Oh, what sort would you like?
01:10I don't know. I don't smoke.
01:12Well, have these then. Here we are.
01:14Buy a pig on a stick.
01:17Can I have a pig on a stick, please?
01:22Here you go.
01:23Buy some chocolates.
01:25And a box of chocolates.
01:26Box of chocolates.
01:28Buy some chocolates.
01:30And a box of chocolates.
01:32Buy some chocolates.
01:34Ah, and a box of chocolates.
01:37Buy some chocolates.
01:39And a box of chocolates, please.
01:42Buy some chocolates.
01:44And a box of chocolates.
01:47Buy some chocolates.
01:49Oh, give me a box of chocolates.
01:51Buy some...
01:53Thank you very much.
01:54That's all right. Pleasure.
01:56Well, I never thought I'd get rid of them chocolates.
01:58But...
01:59Their sell-by date was August.
02:021956.
02:03You know, every so often,
02:05they send a spaceship up into the air.
02:07I'm not getting too technical for you, am I?
02:10And instead of having astronauts on this spaceship,
02:12they send up a variety of objects
02:14designed to illustrate life on Earth.
02:16You know, in case some alien comes across them
02:18and thinks, oh, you know,
02:19that's what it's like in life on Earth.
02:20I know what objects I'd like to send up.
02:23I'd send up all of Picasso's portraits
02:26with a little note attached.
02:27Do these people resemble you in any way?
02:31Because I'm stuffed if they resemble anybody down here.
02:35I would also include a photograph of Cilla Black,
02:38a hamburger,
02:40and a British Rail timetable for Network South East.
02:43Just to show them we're not worth invading.
02:47And I would include a couple of questions
02:50which have proved impossible
02:51for our greatest minds to answer.
02:53Why are man-sized tissues only that big?
02:58And why does every man in Iraq have a black moustache?
03:05They can't all think it suits them.
03:11Private McAllister, sir.
03:12DSC.
03:15Congratulations.
03:16Thank you, sir.
03:18Corporal Hurst, sir.
03:19DSO.
03:21Well, where is it?
03:22I seem to run out of DSOs.
03:24Oh.
03:24Well, what have you got?
03:26What about that one there?
03:28Oh, yes.
03:28That's a pretty little thing.
03:30Yes.
03:31Military medal, sir.
03:32Well, you take that one
03:33and jolly good luck to you.
03:34All about you.
03:36See anything you fancy?
03:40Have you got a blue one?
03:41Yeah.
03:45Well done.
03:47Now, what about this man?
03:48What's he getting?
03:49Oh, I've run out of medals.
03:50Here.
03:51Give him this fag packet.
03:55Well done.
03:59Congratulations.
04:03Well done.
04:07Congratulations.
04:09Well done.
04:11Well, we've run out completely now.
04:13Oh, what's that over there?
04:14Well.
04:16I found some more, sir.
04:17Oh, well done.
04:19Congratulations.
04:21Why is there a gap?
04:22Oh, he has to keep his identity secret, sir.
04:24For security reasons.
04:25Oh, I see.
04:27Congratulations.
04:28Well done.
04:29We could do with more men like him.
04:31They're very hard to find, sir.
04:32Yes, why?
04:33Private Jago, sir.
04:35Well done, Jago.
04:37Richly deserved.
04:39Wait a minute.
04:40Shouldn't that medal be awarded posthumously?
04:45Oh.
04:46Well done.
04:47Thank you, sir.
04:47Take that man's name.
04:48He's slouching.
04:49Yes, sir.
04:53Jackie, I'm not criticising you, but next time you place cucumber on a customer's eyes,
04:58could you make sure you slice them first?
05:12There must be some way of getting this fire going.
05:15Look, will you stop going on about the fire?
05:18Why don't you face up to it?
05:19We lost the matches in the avalanche.
05:21How long has Phillips been gone?
05:23Four days.
05:24I thought it was damn brave of him going out there to look for food.
05:27There's not a single living creature could survive out there.
05:30It's 40 degrees below zero.
05:32He'll have frozen solid before he'd gone 500 yards.
05:36Poor old Phillips.
05:40Blimey.
05:41I thought I'd never get out of that supermarket.
05:46You're alive!
05:47Well, if I'm not, I've got ruddy, strong willpower.
05:50I'm sorry I'm late.
05:51It took me ages to find a taxi.
05:52You're here on the line.
05:54Yeah.
05:54That's the main thing.
05:55Now, come on.
05:56Let's see what you've bought.
05:57This is going to be the best meal we've ever tasted.
06:00All right, here we are.
06:01Kitchen rolls.
06:03You can never have enough of them, can you?
06:05Here we are.
06:06Dishwasher powder.
06:07Now, here's a bargain.
06:09Three light bulbs, £1.69.
06:12What about something to eat?
06:13Oh, I thought we'd have a barbecue tonight.
06:15A barbecue?
06:16Yeah, so I got these charcoal briquettes.
06:19So, you bought some matches then?
06:21There's always one thing you forget, isn't there?
06:23I should have made a list.
06:25But you have got food.
06:26Me?
06:27I thought you were getting the food.
06:29No, I've eaten down at the Indian restaurant.
06:32Oh, I'm bursting.
06:33I couldn't eat any more.
06:34You know, like when your stomach's really full.
06:36I'll say you didn't get any food.
06:40Here.
06:41What's wrong with Maddox?
06:43He died two days ago.
06:45Well, why don't you eat him then?
06:46Oh, we couldn't do that.
06:48The idea's disgusting.
06:49No, what you do is you eat the entire body, but leave the head.
06:52Why would we leave the head?
06:53Well, when we get to the summit, we'll need it for the group photographs.
06:56I don't mind holding it.
06:57I'm not screamish.
06:58If we stick a lolly stick in his mouth, we might get a smile out of him.
07:02What do I mean?
07:02Like that.
07:03You're a sick man, Phillips.
07:05More like that, really.
07:06Here we are freezing to death, and you're talking about cannibalism.
07:10Well, if you're cold, why don't you turn the central heating up?
07:14Well, it's that here.
07:15Look.
07:19It's incredible.
07:19Yeah.
07:20And with this, you can have the heating on inside or outside.
07:26It's amazing.
07:27It is amazing.
07:28Come on.
07:28Now the weather's cleared, we can make our own way down the mountains.
07:32I've got the champ hold the kex.
07:33Oh, that's it.
07:40It's all your fault, Phillips.
07:42Well, how did I know the meat was going to run out?
07:45Right, who's got a 50-pence coin?
07:47Let's try Maddox.
07:48He's a stiffy.
07:50Let's try it.
07:51Let's try it.
07:52Let's try it.
07:53Ladies and gentlemen, please.
07:54The Board of Governors of St Jude's Hospital have agreed the following statement, all right?
07:59It is regrettable that seven hours after being admitted for a minor operation on her kneecap,
08:05Mrs. Burridge found herself the recipient of a new heart.
08:10Let me say here and now that the heart given to her was very healthy and came from a very
08:15fit and young pigeon.
08:19Mrs. Burridge's original heart didn't go to waste.
08:22It was given to Mr. Nugent on our cardiac ward.
08:24Unfortunately, it was given to him on a hot plate with some potato string beans and gravy.
08:31Is that boiled or mashed?
08:33Mashed.
08:34Mashed.
08:36As a result, Mr. Nugent became distrustful of hospital food and on Thursday almost choked while attempting to eat a
08:44radiator.
08:46Later that evening, he coughed up four spoons, a piece of chalk and a staff nurse.
08:51Tells me he's made a full recovery.
08:54And what colour was the chalk?
08:55Blue.
08:56Blue.
08:58By pulling the radiators off the wall with his teeth, Mr. Nugent caused a severe flood which led to 600
09:04patients floating out the hospital doors and forming a natural dam across the mouth of the Humber.
09:11A collision with an oil tanker was narrowly averted when Mr. Nugent etties.
09:18Although the hospital is flooded, the good news is that from next Monday, St. Jude's will be renamed Ocean View
09:23World of Underwater Adventure.
09:26Thank you very much.
09:27Much?
09:27Yes, much.
09:28Mr. Armstrong, isn't it?
09:56Have you got a sail on?
09:57Yes, I have. Everything's half-priced. It's all fired, damaged stock.
10:01I'll have 20 cigarettes then, please.
10:03There we are.
10:07Thanks very much.
10:08Did you want the smoke as well?
10:09No thanks. I'm trying to give it up.
10:17The other day, I was staying at a bus stop, and there was a bloke standing next to me who
10:21had only one leg.
10:23I looked at my two legs, I looked at his one leg, and I remember thinking, I bet you're rubbish
10:27at table tennis.
10:31And this bloke, this bloke was eating a chocolate mint ice cream, and this bus comes around the corner, the
10:37one-legged bloke tries to get out of the way.
10:40The driver, thanks to years of experience, runs straight over him, and the chocolate mint ice cream goes somersaulting up
10:47into the air.
10:48Now, the bus skids into a disco, killing 365 people, taking part in a Lloyd Grossman look-alike contest.
10:58Took them five days to identify the bodies.
11:01Well, what does he look like?
11:03Well, he looks like Lloyd Grossman, doesn't he?
11:05Yeah, but I've got hundreds of them here, mate. Look, I wouldn't know where to start.
11:10Is he in the swimwear section?
11:13Then the bus blew up above a gas main, sending this fireball 500 feet up in the air, narrowly missing
11:19a plane, but blinding the pilot.
11:22He avoids a crash landing into a car park by flying straight into a housing estate.
11:28Another 300 people dead.
11:30Luckily, there's no passengers on the plane.
11:32Just five and a half tonnes of nuclear weapons, which exploded, killing everybody in a five-mile radius.
11:40And the chocolate mint ice cream that had gone somersaulting up into the air, landed on my shirt.
11:50Why does it always happen to me?
11:52Why does it always happen to me?
12:22woman lying on the floor of a supermarket, shivering, turning blue, and they thought,
12:26well, it's hypothermia. So they rushed to the hospital and they found a frozen chicken under
12:30her hat. I mean, how could the security guards miss it? I mean, it can't be difficult, is it?
12:37You just look at her, face, hair, chicken hat. I mean, even if she's really clever,
12:43it's still going to be face, hair, chicken, wig hat. I mean, is my jacket really? Let's have a look.
12:52What's it look like? Well, it's green with a thick white stripe. Green with thick white
12:58stripes, green with thick white, I've got white with thick green stripes. Oh, by the way, did you
13:05know that you left 200 quid in the inside pocket? Oh, so that's where it is. I thought I'd lost
13:10it.
13:10Yeah, well, I managed to clean all the ink off for you. There you are. So that's five quid for
13:16the
13:16jacket and 4.95 for cleaning the money. Here we are. This used to be a £10 note.
13:22Well, thanks very much. And this used to be a jacket, don't I?
13:36Here. Do you remember me? I come in here last week. No, I don't. That's right. Well, I made
13:42a bet with you, right, that they would discover life on another planet within the year. Here's
13:47a bet with you. Oh, yeah, £5 at £10,000 to 1. I remember, yeah. Yeah. Well, I've just
13:51been up to Mars, right? Oh, yeah. And I found his ant up there. Well, you're going to have
13:57to do better than that. I mean, you could have got this ant anywhere. You mean to say I can't
14:00land me £50,000? I'm going to bet £10 the monarchy won't exist in the year 3000. I can
14:09give you a 10 to 1 on that. Sounds reasonable. What an idiot. How's he going to pick up his
14:16winnings? He won't be alive in the year 3000. Here, I can make some money here. Here, I'll
14:23bet you £50 that bloke won't be alive in the year 3000. All right, 10 to 1. There we
14:27go. Right. I'll come and pick my winnings up in the year 3000. All right. Hang on a minute.
14:33I won't be alive himself. That's not right. Here. I'll bet you £50 that I won't be alive
14:41in the year 3000. I'm going to get you one. Right, lovely. Right. When you're dead in the
14:45year 3000, you can come back here and pick up your winnings. I will. Right. I've done it
14:51again, haven't I? Must be some way of making money here. Here. You see that bloke there?
14:57What? I'll bet you £50 that his trousers will fall down in five seconds. All right.
15:0110,000 to 1. Right. Here we go. 10,000 to 1. Lovely. Right. Okay. Starting from now.
15:08There you are. What did I tell you? Sorry, mate. 6.4. Not my day, is it? All right. Look.
15:20One more
15:21bet. One more bet. Right. Me last 100 quid this is. All right. I'll bet you 100 quid,
15:25right, that a sheep will come through that wall driving a red sports car. A million to
15:311. Yeah. Lovely. Right. Well, would you believe it? There's been a red one every day this week.
15:51I've got irrational fear of insects. I think it stems from my childhood when both my parents
15:57were eaten by a giant ladybird. What a disastrous picnic that was. The bloke next door has got
16:07an irrational fear of open spaces. But he's also got a fear of enclosed spaces. So when
16:12he's indoors, he wants to be outdoors. When he's outdoors, he wants to be indoors. He has
16:17to walk down the street with a cardboard box over his head. Which he takes on and off really
16:22quickly. Of course, the best way to confront a phobia is to sort of face it face to face.
16:28You know, my uncle, terrified of plants. Got a job at Kew Gardens. Grows his own roses
16:34now. Another uncle, terrified of heights. Got a job as a steeplejack. He's up and down
16:38the ladders all day. Another uncle, terrified of dying. He committed suicide.
16:45You know, he's never been happier. I was down at the pub the other night and this bloke
16:50says to me, he says, look, I run this Cardiff based onion rings factory.
16:53Excuse me. I've come to pick up my jacket. Oh, right.
17:00Thanks very much. I enjoyed that.
17:11You got any chocolate? No. You waiting for the London train? Yes, I thought I was going
17:19to miss it. You have done. Went half an hour ago. Well, according to the timetable, the
17:24London train doesn't go for another ten minutes. Yeah, but the clocks were put forward an hour
17:36every night because the earth is spinning off its axis. There's too many buildings on one side of the world.
17:43Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? New York's full of skyscrapers and New Zealand's full of sheep.
17:49I mean, they teach us out of school, don't they? I suppose they do.
17:53So either they've got to knock down more buildings or breed fat as sheep.
17:58I think I'll take a chance and wait for the train anyway.
18:02There's a scientist who reckons we could jolt the earth back onto its axis if everybody in
18:07China took off their pullover at the same time.
18:11Well, why don't they try it then? Not enough pullovers, is there?
18:14Not since Chairman Mao banned the polo neck in 1956.
18:18They're going to need more wool. That's why they're breeding fat as sheep.
18:23Yes, well, I think my train will be along in a minute.
18:27Next train through here will be the Phantom Ghost Train from Hell.
18:31Oh, does that stop at West Croydon?
18:34Well, nobody knows where it's going or where it's been.
18:36In that respect, it's like every other train on Network South Asia.
18:42They say the driver is the devil himself.
18:46The guard's a six-horned demon and the ticket collector's a bloke from Bromley.
18:51He's the one I feel sorry for. He's got to work with these people.
18:55Can't be much fun checking the tickets of a thousand tormented souls as they take the loop line of Hades.
19:01You know what I can imagine.
19:09Do you know who that was?
19:10No.
19:11Glenn Miller.
19:13He faked his own death to get a job on British Railways.
19:17They're all doing it, these Hollywood stars. They can't take the pressure.
19:20You hang around for long enough, you'll see Marilyn Monroe come out the signal box.
19:24Ha!
19:25That looks like my train now.
19:32Glenn's on good form tonight.
19:36Evening, Marilyn.
19:40Is there no hope, Doctor?
19:42I'm afraid not.
19:44All our tests show there's no brain activity whatsoever.
19:47And he's still breathing, Doctor.
19:49Yes, but that's just the machine keeping him alive.
20:03Cheers.
20:04Good health.
20:08Listen, Jack, to tell you the truth, I'm a bit worried, you know, about the way the business is being
20:13run.
20:13Oh, I don't see why.
20:15Only this morning I got a 40% discount on 24 prams, six grocery disposable nappies and 300 playpens.
20:21Yes, but we're running a garden centre.
20:25But there's no harm in diversifying.
20:27No, no, no, no, of course not.
20:28I mean, look at that deal I did last year.
20:30I bought a job lot of false teeth, stuck electric motors in them, sold them as hedge trimmers.
20:36You should have put a warning on the box.
20:39One old woman got them mixed up with her dentures.
20:41Ended up with a mouth full of privet.
20:43Well, it's not my fault if people don't read the instructions properly.
20:46Every time she ate a biscuit, her teeth trimmed them into the shape of a peacock.
20:52Never mind all that, that was last year.
20:54I reckon that this competition I've put in the local paper should bring in lots of new customers.
20:57Yeah.
20:59Answer the following question and win your own weight in fertiliser.
21:04Which is the odd one out?
21:06Tree, shrub, bush, helicopter.
21:10Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
21:12It's helicopter.
21:14No, it's shrub.
21:15Why is it shrub?
21:16Because all the others do air-sea rescue.
21:21Tree and bush don't do air-sea rescue.
21:24They do if you stick them in a helicopter.
21:27Some of them are very keen.
21:28Look at that rosebush that rescued that bloke from the lighthouse last year.
21:31All over the papers.
21:32Rosebush rescues bloke from lighthouse.
21:35Jack, is there something bothering you?
21:38Well, yes, I suppose I had to tell you sooner or later.
21:41A long time ago, I did something very stupid.
21:44I was young, foolish, you know how it is.
21:47What did you do?
21:48I robbed the Bank of England.
21:50What?
21:51Gerald, I was five years old.
21:54How much did you steal?
21:5525 million pounds.
21:57That's why I never had to do a paper round.
22:00Didn't your parents suspect or anything?
22:02Not at first.
22:03And then my father looked in the toy cupboard and found 15,000 miles of Scare Electric's track.
22:0815,000 miles?
22:09Yeah.
22:11Took ages to set up.
22:13And it wouldn't all fit in the living room.
22:15So I had to lay the track around the coastline of Great Britain.
22:18That must have been awkward.
22:19It was.
22:20Two old women in Eastbourne got their Zimmer frames caught in the track.
22:24In the end, I found it was more fun racing them than racing the cars.
22:29The old women didn't seem to mind.
22:31They said he got them out of the house, you know.
22:34I remember the last race of the season.
22:37I was driving Mrs. Winstanley, as usual, in the red.
22:41A quick check of their wet weather handbags and they were off.
22:52And then the one thing that both competitors feared.
22:55Overheated slippers.
23:03And after a few final touch-ups, it was time to burn rubber.
23:07Yeah!
23:08Yeah!
23:09Yeah!
23:12Yeah!
23:12Yeah!
23:14Yeah!
23:17Despite this setback, the blue team was soon challenging hard again.
23:21They were neck and neck, right up to the last lap,
23:24until suddenly one of them had to go and pick up a pension.
23:26Yeah!
23:28Yes, another magnificent victory, and so the celebration began.
23:32No, the tie!
23:33Well done!
23:35Yeah!
23:42No, the tie at the top,
23:47No!
23:53No!
23:54No.
23:55No!
23:56No!
23:58No!
23:58No!
24:01No!