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00:01can i help you no i'm just looking
00:07well you're not just looking are you you're hearing as well
00:15you heard me say can i help you
00:19i suppose so and you're speaking as well so i mean you're never just looking are you you are
00:25a sentient human being what about all the activity that's going on in your mind right now
00:30at this very moment billions of pieces of information are floating across the synapses
00:36of your brain you have the secrets of the universe inside your own head you are a unique individual
00:43you have your own hopes aspirations and desires you can be anything that you want but it's up
00:49for you to make the decision what is it that you really want out of life a packet of rollo's
00:56and an exchange of mark please isn't it marvellous
01:04so
01:20BIRDS CHIRP
01:42He's wearing a wig
01:48No, I mustn't look
01:49It's rude
01:56Tickets, please
01:58Oh, God, I haven't got a ticket
01:59I haven't got a ticket
02:00Pretend you look out the window and it'll go away
02:02Count the trees, count the trees
02:04He's gonna take my name and address, my name and address
02:06Think of a name, think of a name
02:09I can't think of one
02:11One name, one name, come on
02:16Catherine Hepburn
02:19Audrey, no, no, no
02:20Trevor, Trevor Hepburn
02:22That's good
02:23He'll never believe Trevor Hepburn
02:25He's not a fool
02:27I'll pretend to have a heart attack
02:29That's it
02:29I'll roll around on the floor
02:31No, I'll just die
02:32Take me, God, please
02:34Tickets, please
02:36Ah!
02:40Excuse me, sir
02:41Is tickets out of date?
02:43What?
02:44Can't be
02:44Yes, sir
02:45In fact, it's two years out of date
02:48Two years out of date?
02:49That's worse than having no ticket at all
02:51You'll come with me to the guards fan, sir
02:52I'd like to ask you one or two questions
02:55Yes, that's it
02:56Take him
02:56Take Wiggy
02:57Take Wiggy
02:59Kill, kill, kill
03:01All right
03:06Yes!
03:16I expect you're wondering why I asked you here, Mr McNulty
03:20Is it about my book?
03:22Yes
03:22It is about your book
03:24The Life of Alfred Lord Tennyson
03:27I've never been in an office before
03:29Really?
03:31Shall we talk about Chapter 12?
03:33I spent a lot of time on Chapter 12
03:36All your own work?
03:38I may perhaps have been influenced by other writers
03:41But you haven't actually copied anyone?
03:43Not consciously
03:44So it is coincidence, is it, that the whole of Chapter 12 appears in another book?
03:53I expect so
03:54A book that isn't even about Lord Tennyson
03:58A book called The Encyclopedia of Chickens
04:02Page 67 to 85
04:06Is that cheating?
04:08You haven't even bothered to retype it
04:10You just cut the pages out and stuck them in the list
04:13According to you
04:14This is a picture of Lord Tennyson's brother
04:20Let me quote from the text
04:24Lord Alfred had a brother called Barney
04:27He was a better poet than him
04:30Only he never wrote much
04:31Because he kept getting his beak caught in the typewriter
04:34Thank you, Mr McNulty
04:36You've given me a damn good laugh
04:38But my name isn't McNulty
04:41Not my real name
04:43What?
04:45My real name is
04:50Charles Timpson
04:52Good God!
04:53That's right, Simon
04:55Your brother
04:55The brother you thought you'd lost in the plane crash
04:58But you're not my brother
05:00Would you deny the evidence of your own eyes?
05:03No, it's
05:03I'm not Simon Timpson
05:05Rubbish
05:06I know my own brother
05:07No, my real name is
05:11Jim Weaver
05:13Yes, Jim Weaver
05:15Wanted by the police for a murder I didn't commit
05:18But I don't understand
05:19It's true
05:19For the past eight years
05:21I've pretended to be the head of this publishing firm
05:23And every single day of those eight years
05:25I've lived a lie behind this rubber mask
05:28As Jim Weaver
05:29I was a drunken bum
05:30A no-good drifter
05:32But as Simon Timpson
05:33I've built up a highly successful business
05:35You said murder
05:36I'm an innocent man
05:38Sure, the cops found me standing over the guy
05:41With a smoking pistol in my hand
05:42Sure, sure
05:43Sure, I had the motive
05:45I had the opportunity
05:46I even remember killing him
05:48But you must believe me
05:50I didn't do it
05:51Why are you telling me all this?
05:53Because you two have led a double life
05:55You two have worn a rubber mask
05:57Listen, maybe I could use a man like you
05:59No, I'm sorry
06:00But why?
06:02Because
06:03I am Detective Inspector George Tuppens
06:06Of Scotland Yard
06:07And I arrest you, Jim Weaver
06:10For the woeful murder
06:11You can't arrest me
06:13And why not?
06:15Because
06:17I'm Elizabeth Pearce
06:19Elizabeth?
06:21I don't understand
06:22What's going on?
06:23It's the only way
06:24I could get to see you, George
06:26You ignore my phone calls
06:28My letters
06:29My wife's a difficult woman, Elizabeth
06:31George
06:34Hold me in your arms
06:35Anything, Elizabeth
06:37George
06:38Promise me you'll never change
06:53I've got a book at home
06:56A book about the paranormal
06:58I didn't buy it
07:00It just appeared in my room one night
07:04It's fascinating, the paranormal
07:05Do you know, there's a pair of identical twins in Russia
07:08And they locked them into adjoining rooms
07:11For six months
07:13Without food
07:14Without water
07:15They both died
07:20Nobody knows how they did it
07:23Sheer willpower, probably
07:26Last Tuesday
07:28This office desk
07:29Began to grow out of my head
07:31Is this the first tangible sign
07:38That we are not alone in the universe?
07:40I've had it analysed
07:41And apparently it's a genetic mixture
07:43Of brain tissue and walnut
07:46But the paranormal is all about us
07:48There's a man in Bolivia
07:50Who's got a multi-storey car park
07:53Growing inside his bladder
07:57Every time he has a piss
07:58He washes five Volkswagens
08:01There's another man in Stuttgart
08:03Who's got a photocopier up his nose
08:05That's not the paranormal
08:07He just had an argument with his secretary
08:12Oh, it's hot
08:14Yes
08:15I've not seen you here before
08:16No, I only arrived yesterday
08:18Booked in for the week, are you?
08:20Yes
08:20It was the firm's idea, really
08:22By the way, the name's Peters
08:25Jim Peters
08:26Oh, pleased to meet you
08:27David Murray
08:28So, er, what's your line of business then?
08:31I'm a financial advisor
08:32Pensions unit trust
08:34That sort of thing
08:35That's a coincidence
08:36I've been thinking lately
08:37About getting some sort of pension plan
08:39Oh, well, give me a ring sometime
08:41Here's my card
08:41Thank you
08:45Well, you might as well have one of mine
08:46Oh, thanks very much
08:51Jim Peters' Miracle Carpets
08:53If it's a good carpet
08:54It's a miracle
08:59I could murder a pint
09:01Anybody looking?
09:04No
09:06There you are
09:07This should go down a treat
09:15Cheers
09:18Couldn't have done with one of these at lunchtime
09:19Take away the taste of that awful cabbage
09:21The food's dreadful
09:22Anybody looking?
09:25No
09:28There we are
09:28Cheese omelette
09:32Oh, I'm sorry
09:33That one's mine
09:40Salt?
09:40Oh, yes, please
09:43Sorry
09:44Oh, no
09:45Pepper?
09:46Mm-hmm
09:49Oh, thanks very much
09:51Ketchup?
09:52Oh, yes
09:58Well
10:00It certainly makes life a little easier
10:02Mind you, don't overdo it
10:04After all, we're here to lose a few pounds
10:06Oh, no
10:06I'm not overweight
10:07No?
10:08No, no, it's my leg
10:09Well, what's wrong with it?
10:12It looks all right for me
10:13That's a good one
10:15Can you see the difference?
10:17I don't think it's swollen
10:18It's a bunion
10:19It's a bunion
10:19It's a bunion
10:19I've been advised to take a week off
10:21How about you?
10:23It's me knee
10:25What's wrong with it?
10:26Well, I shouldn't be able to do this with it
10:34And 20 Rothmans, please
10:3620 Rothmans
10:37Box of matches
10:39Box of matches
10:41And a packet of king-sized cigarette papers
10:48What do you want them for?
10:52Cigarettes
10:52Yeah, but you just bought a packet of cigarettes
10:55Yeah
10:55So what do you want the cigarette papers for?
10:58Um
11:02Well, I don't like filter cigarettes
11:06Yeah
11:09So I take the tobacco out of the cigarette
11:12And put it into the cigarette paper
11:15Oh, I see
11:15So you don't have filters
11:17Yeah, that's right, yeah
11:18Well, why don't you just cut the filter off the cigarettes?
11:20A pair of scissors, snip, snip
11:22Got a cigarette, we're out of the filter
11:23Don't need the papers
11:26Well, it's more of a hobby, really
11:30A hobby?
11:33Yeah
11:34Go on then, let's do it
11:38Oh
11:39Um, well, I like to relax by tearing up cigarettes
11:44Uh, putting the tobacco into a cigarette paper
11:49Uh, rolling it up
11:53And smoking it
11:56Blimey, if you're going to go to all that trouble
11:58You might as well roll yourself a joint
12:01Go on, clear off
12:05Isn't it marvellous?
12:09I'm a big fan of those American detectives of the 1940s
12:14Philip Marlowe, Raymond Chandler, that sort of thing
12:17I walked into the place
12:18There was only two of us there
12:20And one of us was dead
12:23It didn't take long to figure out which one
12:27It was Fatima
12:28At first glance, it looked like she'd been poisoned
12:31When I looked again, I realised she'd been harpooned
12:34And hung from the electric light
12:40Look, what have you got in the Wowsy Gars?
12:43There's nothing in the Wowsy Gars
12:44There they are there, look, do you see?
12:51Thanks for enquiring
12:52Now clear off
12:59Do you know, it's always been an ambition of mine
13:01I've always wanted to ask Lee Harvey Oswald
13:05Can you remember what you were doing
13:07When President Kennedy was assassinated?
13:26You wanted to see me, Father?
13:28Oh, there you are, Jennifer
13:29Yes, there's something I wanted to tell you
13:32Today is your birthday
13:33Yes, Father, I know
13:35You bought me a chicken, remember?
13:39Yes, well, as it is your birthday
13:42I think there's something you should know
13:43Something you're entitled to know
13:46Yes, Father
13:48Jennifer
13:50You're not adopted
13:57But I must be
13:59I'm sorry, Jennifer, but that's the truth
14:01But why haven't you told me before?
14:04It's not easy to explain to somebody
14:06That they're your own flesh and blood
14:10So, who was that baby in all those photographs?
14:13That was you, Jennifer
14:15And all those other children?
14:16They're your brothers and sisters, Jennifer
14:18And who was the charming little girl in the ringlets that used to sing and dance?
14:21That was Shirley Temple, Jennifer
14:23And who was the mad professor in the House of Wax?
14:26That was Vincent Price, Jennifer
14:27Oh, this is all so confusing
14:31Look at it this way
14:33It would have been so easy for me and your mother to go down to the orphanage
14:38And look at all the children there
14:39And pick out one we really wanted
14:46One we could really care for
14:49But you, Jennifer
14:51You were a mistake
14:55Oh, I see
14:56Oh, and there's something else I've got to tell you, Jennifer
14:59Yes, Daddy
15:01I'm not a human being
15:03I'm from outer space
15:05Daddy!
15:05I'm sorry, it's true
15:07I come from the planet Susan
15:11A civilisation that's millions of years ahead of yours
15:15Unfortunately, the one skill we never mastered was woodwork
15:19And so, for the past 50,000 years
15:22I've been in this shed trying to make a magazine rack
15:26And finally, I've succeeded
15:36But, Daddy, what does this mean?
15:38It means I must return to Susan next week
15:42And I'm taking you and Mummy with me
15:44Oh, Daddy, this is all so sudden
15:46Oh, and Jennifer
15:48We won't be able to take Blackie with us
15:51But why?
15:52Because he's a hologram, Jennifer
15:55Oh, really, this is too much
15:57First you tell me I'm not adopted
15:58Then you calmly announce that we've got to live in outer space
16:02At a week's notice, mind you
16:04And then, to top it all, you tell me that poor little Blackie's a hologram
16:08I've had enough
16:09I'm going round to Lucinda's to play some records
16:16Kids
16:17Can't tell them anything these days
16:25Look at that
16:27Solid walnut
16:29Do you know that condoms used to be made out of wood?
16:33I know it sounds like one of those cheap adventure films
16:36When dinosaurs ruled the earth
16:38When men wore wooden condoms
16:41But it's true
16:43If you had them now, men would be wearing them all the time
16:46They'd be standing around the pubs talking to each other
16:48Saying things like, um, here, look at that
16:52Solid oak, that is
16:55I had squirrels in there last year
16:59Might put a drop of creosote on that later on
17:03Of course, it was the Romans who wore condoms
17:05Made out of the guts of sheep
17:08And I imagine this bloke
17:09Walking through the Coliseum
17:11Stuck on a sheep
17:14And somebody says, what are you doing?
17:15He says, I'm wearing a condom
17:17I just couldn't be bothered to take it out of the packet
17:22Excuse me
17:23Do you sell Chickens Gazette?
17:26No, I've got Bantam's Weekly
17:28No, I've read that
17:30Leghorn Review
17:32Cape On Yearbook
17:34Chick Chat
17:37Hens and Henmen
17:38No, I've read all those
17:44During the Ben Johnson drug scandal
17:47I heard somebody say
17:48I think athletes should use any means at their disposal
17:52To improve their times
17:53Well, that's all right with me
17:55I'll have a motorbike then
17:59Be quite good standing next to Cole Lewis on the starting line
18:04Ready when you are, mate
18:07Been training hard, have you?
18:09Don't worry about me
18:10You go any time you like
18:11I'll catch you up
18:13Does the sidecar bother you?
18:16No, it's my next door neighbour
18:18He wants to win a gold medal as well
18:19Oh, you know
18:33Oh…
18:34Oh…
18:46Oh…
19:05Why don't you look where you're going?
19:12During the Second World War, I was in a prison of war camps.
19:17No, don't laugh, you know, see if it wasn't for people like me.
19:21And one day I said to the escape committee, I said, look, I've got an idea.
19:24Why don't we make a dummy six foot high from bits and pieces that we find lying around the camp,
19:29stick a uniform on it, one of us escapes in the middle of the night,
19:34I'll take the dummy down to the roll call, the Germans will count their heads,
19:38and it'll be like nobody's missing, nobody's any the wiser.
19:41Then the escape committee seriously weighed up the pros and cons and said, yeah, all right.
19:48But they said, can you make a dummy every time somebody escapes?
19:51And I said, but of course, except one night, 46 prisoners escaped.
19:59Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
20:10We need some more dummies.
20:12Smudger's tunneled his way out.
20:16Smudger, and Nobby, and Ginger, and Chalky, and Taffy, and Jock, Dusty, Spungy, Paddy, Pongo, Billy, Stinker, Harry, Plunger, and
20:28Mr. Beamish.
20:31What about Jumbo?
20:34Jumbo got stuck in the tunnel.
20:39Jumbo got stuck in the tunnel.
21:06After three years, I was the only prisoner left in the camp.
21:25What's the matter, Bert?
21:27Don't you want your sausages in?
21:28Well, I'll have them for you.
21:29Don't mind, no, I don't care at all.
21:31Always happy to help you out, you know that, Bert.
21:33Hello, Henry.
21:35You're looking a bit, uh, down in the mouthing.
21:37What's the matter?
21:38Oh, you've had a letter from your wife, have you?
21:41Yeah, what's that?
21:42She's having an affair with a milkman.
21:45Well, no wonder you don't want to have your glass of milk.
21:47That's like a nasty reminder, that is.
21:48I'll finish it for you.
21:49Don't worry about that.
21:50Oh.
21:51It's a nice drop, though.
21:52Yeah, Stephen, is it right your mother was knocked down by a bloke driving a Weedabix lorry?
21:57Well, you won't want that for a start, then, will you, arsehole?
22:00Yeah, I haven't heard about that.
22:01Yeah, Nigel, is your, uh, your tea's not too hot for you?
22:04I had to eat 480 breakfasts every morning and keep the conversation going, because the Germans aren't stupid.
22:13And the bread is very good as well.
22:15Look at that.
22:15It's beautiful bread.
22:21Well, I don't know about you lot, but I could do a bit of exercise.
22:25I kept up a full fitness program, despite the occasional compromise.
22:31Now, by this time, there was only one German guard left in the camp, but I didn't know that.
22:38I didn't know, because that guard was up at 5 o'clock in the morning, sticking dummies on the gates,
22:48dummies in the dining room, dummies in the yard, and this went on for months, until half past 8 one
22:56morning.
23:00We looked at each other for a moment, the German looked at my dummies, I looked at the German's dummies,
23:06and then the German said, in almost near-perfect English,
23:10Isn't it marvellous?
23:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
23:20Oh!
23:32Oh, my God.
23:50Oh, my God.