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00:10BIRDS CHIRP
00:30Excuse me?
00:31Yes?
00:33Do you do tattoos?
00:34Yes, I do do tattoos.
00:36What tattoos do you do?
00:38Well, there are two tattoos that I do do.
00:41The two tattoos that I do... Hang on a minute.
00:44You sound like the two Ronnies here.
00:46Start again.
00:48I was thinking of getting a tattoo.
00:50You've come to the right place.
00:51Now, this is our most popular one.
00:55Yeah.
00:55Yeah? Or if you want to spend a bit more money...
00:59Um...
00:59No.
01:00Well, how about this?
01:01I can tattoo an English-Spanish dictionary
01:05onto your entire body.
01:07What's the point of that?
01:09Well, if you want a cup of tea in Spain,
01:10you just take your trousers down.
01:14Mind you, don't order a Battenberg or you'll get deported.
01:18Right.
01:19How about this?
01:21I can tattoo an entire suit
01:23onto your naked body.
01:25Jacket, shirt, trousers.
01:28What about the underpants?
01:29Oh, you'd have to make your own arrangements.
01:31No.
01:32I'm not keen on that.
01:33Of course, some people like the idea of a tattoo,
01:36but they think they might get sick of it.
01:37So it's best to spend a couple of weeks
01:39thinking about one that you really want
01:41and then get it tattooed on your next-door neighbour.
01:45That way you can see it whenever you like.
01:47And if you get fed up with it,
01:48just move house.
01:50What?
01:51No, I don't want any of those.
01:53What do you want?
01:54Well, I'm involved in amateur dramatics
01:57and in our next production,
01:58I'm playing the part of a punk.
02:00Oh, I see.
02:01So I want...
02:02I am the Antichrist
02:03and I want it tattooed on my face.
02:08You do realise a tattoo is permanent?
02:10You won't be able to get it off.
02:11Oh, that's all right.
02:12It'll come in handy.
02:13Why's that?
02:13I'm a property developer.
02:17I'll get the ink.
02:22Oh, what the hell's going on?
02:24We're police officers.
02:25We've got to walk in a search place.
02:26Well, what do you want?
02:27We're looking for your husband, Mrs Newman.
02:29Frank's not here.
02:30He wouldn't be so stupid.
02:31You, take upstairs.
02:32Oh, look, why can't you just leave me alone?
02:34You've already turned this place over twice.
02:36Mrs Newman, your Frank was sprung
02:38from Wandsworth Nick three weeks ago.
02:39I have reason to believe
02:40he is somewhere in this house.
02:41I tell you, he's not here.
02:43Look, we've split up.
02:44My new bloke's upstairs.
02:46Now, I'd hardly be carrying on with him
02:47if Frank was in the house.
02:49What's for here?
02:50Look, I'm telling you,
02:52you're wasting your time.
02:53He's not here.
02:55You've got no right.
02:57This is harassment.
02:58That's what it is.
03:05I see you have a dog, Mrs Newman.
03:09Yes.
03:10That's Snowy.
03:13As you can see,
03:15my husband's not here, Inspector,
03:16so if you wouldn't mind...
03:18Does Snowy get up to any tricks, Mrs Newman?
03:20Chasing cars, running after sticks,
03:22that sort of thing?
03:23It does a few tricks,
03:25but I don't think...
03:26Maybe he'll do a couple of tricks for me.
03:28Snowy.
03:33Good boy.
03:35Play dead, Snowy.
03:39Good boy.
03:41Beg for a chock drop, Snowy.
03:45Good boy.
03:46Roll over, Snowy.
03:50Aren't you a good boy?
03:53Now, phone me a taxi.
04:00That's what I call a clever dog.
04:02He didn't even bother looking up the number.
04:05All right.
04:06You bloody idiot.
04:08Constable!
04:09Arrest that dog.
04:12Ah, stick a bone in it.
04:14What the hell's going on?
04:16They've arrested Frank.
04:18Thank God for that.
04:19What do you mean?
04:20He wanted to sleep up on the bed every night.
04:24Marvellous.
04:29Like a lot of people,
04:30I have this terrible fear about old age.
04:32Obviously, I want to live as long as I can.
04:34I just don't want to end up
04:36in some old people's home
04:37dribbling down my cardigan
04:38while a nurse wipes me arse with a jaycloth.
04:43It's not an unreasonable ambition, is it?
04:46Old people are treated very badly,
04:49but I often wonder how old people were treated 300 years ago.
05:00But there's no way I'd know him,
05:01so I asked a question in the first place.
05:08Waste of time, isn't it?
05:09Of course, nowadays,
05:11if you get an incurable illness,
05:12you can have yourself frozen
05:14and then they can thaw you out when they find a cure.
05:16My uncle wanted it to be frozen,
05:18but he didn't have any money,
05:19so we did it on the cheap.
05:20At the first sign of a cough,
05:22we took him down to B-jams
05:23and bunged him in with the oven chair.
05:26It's handy.
05:26You can go down and visit him
05:28and pick up a couple of cod steaks at the same time.
05:31My father's still up and about.
05:33He's very lively.
05:34My father used to be a memory man.
05:36He was a memory man on the music halls for 35 years.
05:39When I was seven, he sat me down.
05:41He said,
05:41Son, what's the difference between a memory man and an undertaker?
05:45I said, I don't know.
05:46He said, well,
05:47a memory man remembers convoluted facts
05:50from the rear of his cranium
05:55and an undertaker buries people.
06:01Do you know I've never forgotten that?
06:05Of course, there was an intense rivalry
06:07between the memory men and the conjurers.
06:09They'd meet up every year,
06:10August bank holiday, Brighton.
06:12The memory men would go down on the coach,
06:14singing, drinking,
06:15chanting their way through the population of China
06:18in alphabetical order.
06:21The conjurers would be down on the seafront,
06:23causing trouble,
06:24forcing people against their will
06:26at knife point to pick a card,
06:28look at it and put it back again.
06:30One year, they got completely drunk.
06:32They levitated a deck chair attendant
06:34200 feet up in the air
06:36and left him.
06:39He died after three weeks.
06:41He'd have died sooner
06:42if some old woman hadn't been catapulting
06:44meat pies up in Mariana.
06:47People are going to be cruel.
06:49A friend of mine's just going to visit
06:50his father in hospital.
06:52His father said,
06:53when I go,
06:54everything I've got is coming to you.
06:57And he's got an hereditary disease.
07:03His father held up the medical notes.
07:05He said,
07:05take a good look at this, son,
07:06because one day,
07:06all this is going to be yours.
07:11Hello, Tom.
07:12Hello, Colin.
07:13I heard you had moved up the E-Wing this morning.
07:16Yeah, the governor thought I could do
07:17with a nice change,
07:18so he put me in charge
07:19of the maximum security wing.
07:21Good crossword, is it?
07:22Not bad.
07:23I'm stuck on the last clue.
07:25What is it?
07:26Convict, five letters.
07:28So what's the problem?
07:29I've put in bastard,
07:30but it doesn't fit.
07:33You're late for tea, aren't you?
07:34I know I'm late for tea.
07:35This morning,
07:36I had the contents
07:37of a full chamber pot
07:38emptied over my head.
07:39Which prisoner did that?
07:40Prisoner, it was the wife.
07:43Forgot her birthday again.
07:45Hey, you can't see any of it
07:46left in my head.
07:46No, no, no.
07:47Go and borrow your comb, can I?
07:48No, no, it's fine, honestly.
07:50So how's things on E-Wing?
07:51All right.
07:52You been busy down here?
07:53Fairly.
07:54I've been keeping an eye on Rawlings.
07:55Well, what's he been up to?
07:56Well, you know he controls
07:57the supply of illegal tobacco
07:59in this prison.
08:00Yeah, they say you can't
08:01have a smoke without his say-so.
08:02I reckon he's taking liberties.
08:03What do you mean?
08:04He's opened up a kiosk.
08:08You all right, Smithy?
08:10Yeah.
08:12Why does he wear his cap like that?
08:14Well, you see the way the peak
08:15comes right down over his eyes?
08:17Yeah.
08:18Well, behind that peak
08:19is a little cinema screen.
08:21And when he gets bored,
08:22he puts on a film.
08:23How do you know that, then?
08:25Well, I put on the wrong hat
08:25one morning
08:26and watched 10 minutes
08:26of Mary Poppins.
08:29So that's why he's so quiet.
08:30Oh, yeah.
08:31Mind you, he gets
08:32into trouble occasionally.
08:33He had gone with the wind
08:34on the other day
08:34and he had to see the governor.
08:36The governor said
08:36you're being transferred
08:37to the scrubs
08:38and his hat said,
08:39frankly, my dear,
08:39I don't give a damn.
08:43I see Pendry's back
08:44working in the kitchen block again.
08:46He must be up for parole soon.
08:47I think he's already
08:48sport his chances of that.
08:49He keeps asking
08:50for conjugal visits.
08:51What's wrong with that?
08:52He wants them
08:52with Elizabeth Taylor.
09:02We haven't had an escape
09:03for a long while.
09:04Well, that was that bloke
09:05last year, Keeble, was it?
09:06The one that was in
09:07for armed robbery.
09:08He overpowered a prison officer
09:09and stole his uniform.
09:10So what happened?
09:11Oh, he's in charge
09:12of D-Wing now.
09:13He's one of the best
09:13officers we've got.
09:15Do you remember McGuinness?
09:18McGuinness?
09:19You know, Pee-wee McGuinness.
09:21Funny sort of bloke.
09:22He escaped by disguising
09:24himself as a cloud.
09:28Cumulonimbus,
09:29I think it was.
09:31Slipped out of his cell window,
09:33hovered over the P.E. block
09:34for half an hour
09:34and then rose to a height
09:36of 15,000 feet.
09:38That's quite clever, really.
09:39What happened to him?
09:40He was hit by a plane.
09:44Mind you,
09:44you've got to hand it to him.
09:45He only had a pair of sheets
09:46and a bicycle pump.
09:49Oh, is that the time already?
09:53Is he all right?
09:54Yeah, he's all right.
09:55Lassie's just come home.
10:01I didn't always work here.
10:03I used to be
10:04a professional footballer.
10:05Well, semi-professional.
10:07I played for this team.
10:08One year, we got through
10:09to the third round
10:10of the FA Cup.
10:11We played Liverpool
10:12at Liverpool.
10:13They had 10 internationals
10:15in their team
10:15but our lad still got a result.
10:17We lost 8-0.
10:20Morning.
10:20Morning.
10:21Here's my pulls.
10:22Thought I'd put on
10:23a fiver this week.
10:24Thank you very much.
10:25Bye-bye.
10:26Goodbye.
10:28Arsenal versus Crystal Palace
10:30score draw.
10:33I don't know why
10:34people bother doing the pulls.
10:36You've got very little
10:37chance of winning.
10:38You've got more chance
10:39chance of trying to push
10:40an octopus for a Venetian blind.
10:43And you know what that's like.
10:45Mind you,
10:46if I won the pulls,
10:47I'd play elaborate
10:48practical jokes
10:49and film them.
10:50I'd go round to
10:52Jeremy Beedle's house
10:54disguised as a mad axman
10:56just for a laugh
10:58and then kill him.
11:01And then I'd get all the bits
11:03and hide them
11:04all around the country
11:05and I'd send
11:06Annika Rice up
11:07in a helicopter
11:08to look for them.
11:10And the programme
11:11would be called
11:12Beedle's About.
11:26Come in.
11:28You wanted to see me, sir?
11:30Yes, Watson.
11:31Watson,
11:32on your last flying mission
11:34you claim to have
11:35brought down
11:35eight Messerschmitts,
11:36nine Heinkels
11:37and a Junkers 88.
11:39That's a very impressive tally.
11:41Must have been
11:42my lucky day, sir.
11:43And you claim to have
11:44brought down
11:45all these planes
11:45in this area here.
11:47Just south of Maidstone.
11:49Yes, sir.
11:50Would you be surprised
11:51to learn, Watson,
11:52that we have searched
11:53the entire area
11:53and we can find
11:54no traces
11:55of your supposed
11:56Messerschmitts,
11:57Heinkels
11:57or Junkers 88?
11:58I can't understand it, sir.
12:00However,
12:00we did find the wreckage
12:02of 18 of our own spitfires.
12:05Do you have an explanation
12:06for this?
12:07Sir,
12:08you have no idea
12:09what it's like up there.
12:11You're lost
12:12in the clouds.
12:12Your instruments are gone.
12:14Navigator's been wounded.
12:15It's hell, sir.
12:17And then suddenly
12:18a gap opens up
12:18in the clouds
12:19and planes are coming
12:20at you out of the sun.
12:21You're blinded, sir.
12:22You can't see
12:23but you have to make
12:24an instant snap decision.
12:25You don't know
12:26if it's the enemy
12:26but you can't take a chance.
12:28You can't wait
12:28till you're sure.
12:30These spitfires
12:31are on the ground.
12:35They were stationed
12:36at RAF Coombe Regis.
12:38They were being washed
12:40when you appeared
12:42out of nowhere
12:42and bombed
12:43the entire squadron.
12:46I can't stand
12:47RAF Coombe Regis,
12:48sir.
12:48They're a bunch of snobs.
12:50Yes, I know
12:50they're a bunch of snobs
12:51but there's a war on.
12:53Up till now,
12:54the name of
12:54Four Bombs Watson
12:55has been an inspiration
12:57to the rest of the men.
12:58So why this?
12:59The fact is, sir,
13:02I've lost my nerve.
13:04Let me tell you
13:05something about nerve, Watson.
13:07Many years ago,
13:09there was a king of Sweden.
13:11He was about to lead
13:12his troops into a battle
13:13when his horse fell lame.
13:16The Bishop of Stockholm
13:17who bravely volunteered
13:18to be the king's horse.
13:21That took nerve
13:23and so the king
13:24saddled up the bishop
13:28and rode towards
13:29the enemy,
13:31lance in one hand,
13:32sabre in the other.
13:34And what happened, sir?
13:36He was run over
13:36by a tank.
13:39But the point is, Watson,
13:40you've got to pull yourself
13:41together and get back
13:42to the business
13:43of winning this war.
13:44The truth of the matter is, sir,
13:46I've lost my lucky scarf.
13:48What happened to it?
13:49I lent it to Cooper, sir.
13:50He was shot down
13:51over Berlin last night.
13:53I'm afraid he didn't make it.
13:55Doesn't sound like much
13:55of a lucky scarf to me.
13:57Oh, I don't know, sir.
13:58I'm still here.
14:01I can't let this go.
14:02You understand that,
14:03don't you?
14:04Come in.
14:07What is it?
14:08I've just received a message
14:09from Downing Street, sir.
14:10The war's over.
14:11We've won.
14:12Good.
14:13That's very good.
14:15All right.
14:15Follow me, Watson.
14:17Are you going to court
14:18marshal me, sir?
14:18No, we're going to bomb
14:19those snobs at Coombe Regis.
14:26I live opposite
14:27Brixham Prison
14:28and someone,
14:29I don't know who,
14:30has dug a tunnel
14:31from E-Wing
14:32to the back of my fridge.
14:36I can't sleep at night.
14:38Dozens of prisoners
14:39jumping out of me fridge
14:40all hours of the night.
14:42Half of them want minicabs.
14:45I've got one of those
14:46Keep Fit videos at home.
14:48Shape Up and Dance
14:49with Pope John Paul.
14:52This one's called
14:53The Assassination Attempt.
14:57There's a good bit of mime,
14:59wasn't there?
14:59I spent five years
15:01studying with Marcel Marceau.
15:03Unfortunately,
15:04at the time,
15:04he was teaching metal work.
15:07This one's called
15:08Where Are My Welding Gloves?
15:13The bloke next door to me
15:14is a Keep Fit fanatic.
15:16When he was a teenager,
15:17he bought a young buffalo
15:19and every day,
15:20he used to practice
15:21lifting it up.
15:23By the time this buffalo
15:24was fully grown,
15:25he was lifting
15:26one and a half tonnes.
15:27But he wasn't happy with that.
15:29He started practicing
15:30so he could lift
15:30a buffalo with one hand.
15:32Then he started
15:33juggling with it.
15:35One night,
15:36he took it down the pub,
15:37tied a bit of elastic to it,
15:38used it as a yo-yo.
15:41Surprised the regulars,
15:42two and a half tonne
15:43of buffalo
15:43flying backwards and forwards
15:45across the saloon bar.
15:47Its horns making track marks
15:48across the ceiling.
15:50Hooves ripping the cloth
15:51off the pool table.
15:53After a couple of hours,
15:54the elastic broke.
15:55The buffalo shot out
15:56through the pub doors
15:57at 50 miles an hour,
15:59landed on a skateboard,
16:00went careering down
16:01the high street,
16:02smashed through a chemist window
16:03and knocked over
16:04a display of palm of violets.
16:06And a bloke in the
16:07chemist's shop said,
16:08that's unusual.
16:12For a Wednesday.
16:15I get a lot of visitors
16:16from outer space.
16:19I had a blob come round
16:20the other week.
16:22Stood on me doorstep,
16:23it said,
16:23I come from a planet
16:24millions of years
16:25ahead of yours.
16:26I could show you
16:27a thousand things
16:28in the blink of an eye
16:29you'd never believe.
16:30Blimey,
16:30you've got prisoners
16:31jumping out of your fridge.
16:42In the midst of life,
16:44there is death.
16:45In the midst of death,
16:47there is eternity.
16:53Bob Wyatt
16:54was a man
16:55who knew life
16:56and a man
16:57who loved life.
16:59I well remember
17:00the first time...
17:08Peter Brundle
17:09was a man
17:11who knew life
17:12and a man
17:14who loved life.
17:15I well remember...
17:24Audrey.
17:26Audrey.
17:36Douglas Murray
17:37was alive.
17:42And now he isn't.
17:45But we shall never forget him.
17:48He was a man
17:58a man who distinguished himself
18:03in an area
18:04where it is never easy
18:07to be distinguished.
18:11Amongst his many achievements
18:13was the ability
18:16to grow a black moustache
18:18from Richard's side games.
18:20And in his adult life,
18:21he was never less
18:22than six foot tall.
18:24He was a heavy man
18:25who wore glasses,
18:27a blue suit
18:28and a pork pie hat.
18:29We shall never see
18:31his like again.
18:33Thank you very much.
20:13Hello and welcome again to Paul Merton's Golden Years of Hollywood.
20:17Tonight we take a look at the unsung heroes of Hollywood, the stuntmen.
20:25Perhaps the greatest stuntman of them all was Dan O'Guts.
20:30He went to Hollywood in 1931 and quickly established himself as the man who would do anything.
20:37Dan was famous for his stunts with horses.
20:40Here is a piece of rare footage that shows the highly developed understanding between man and beast.
20:58O'Guts was a fitness fanatic.
21:02His exercise program was carefully worked out with the help of the Canadian Air Force.
21:08Ready when you are!
21:11Right on, Mr O'Guts!
21:20More, more!
21:22Call them bullets!
21:25Dan was a tough man.
21:27He'd come from a tough neighbourhood.
21:29Not surprising he'd become a stuntman when even a trip to the lingerie was fraught with danger.
21:38He'd come from a tough man.
21:40***
21:51Yee-haw!
22:15That one's broken, dearie.
22:20But sadly, the career of Dan O'Guts was brought to an untimely end after a stunt with a giant
22:27steam press went disastrously wrong.
22:30Here is a screen test he made for MGM in 1953.
22:38And so, until the next time the Usheret's torch lights our pathway to the stars, it's goodbye.