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00:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:35That cat's getting above himself.
00:43Now, there's all kinds of methods for people who want to give up smoking.
00:47There's nicotine chewing gum, hypnotism.
00:50Every morning, my aunt used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself.
00:54The idea being that she couldn't light up without turning herself into a human fireball.
01:00Didn't stop her.
01:02You'd be reading the book and suddenly there'd be an explosion behind the garden shed.
01:06She was doing that 30 to 40 times a day.
01:10Well, I suppose it gave her something to talk about in casualty, you know.
01:13Now, I'd hate to give up smoking because I don't smoke.
01:17So, to give up smoking, I'd have to start.
01:20And, I don't know, I've tried starting smoking, I just haven't got the willpower.
01:26I've tried suddenly starting.
01:28I've tried gradually increasing the number of cigarettes I smoke each day, you know.
01:32Cutting up.
01:35But, I just can't get the anger.
01:37Sometimes, I find myself not having a cigarette and then not having another one immediately afterwards.
01:44I'm probably not smoking 50 to 60 cigarettes a day.
01:48There's a bloke down the pub that's had surgery to stop him smoking.
01:52He's had his lips sewn together.
01:55Still carried on smoking.
01:56Used to shove his fags up his nose and smoke them like that.
01:59So, the doctors got hold of him.
02:01And, they shoved some cavity foam insulation up there.
02:05But, he still carried on smoking.
02:07And, it wasn't through his ears, either, I can tell you.
02:11He'd be sitting on a bus and everybody would wonder where the smoke rings were coming from.
02:17Nobody else had to drag off his fag, I can tell you.
02:21In the end, he was cured by acupuncture.
02:23It was brilliant, you know.
02:24They stuck some needles in his eyes.
02:25He went blind.
02:26He couldn't find his fags anywhere.
02:30He's done a really good job up here, Alan.
02:32It's absolutely wonderful.
02:34Well, Bill, you know, I've always wanted a roof garden.
02:36It's been hard work, but worth it in the end.
02:40More tea?
02:41Oh, thanks very much.
02:54It won't wind on.
02:57Here, mate, can I borrow your camera for a minute?
03:00Yeah, of course, then.
03:05Thanks very much.
03:07Come on, let's go and see the pelicans.
03:23Got any rabbit?
03:24Yes, well, I've got a fresh rabbit.
03:26How fresh is it?
03:33It's very fresh.
03:36I'll take one of those, then, please.
03:38Right-o.
03:41There'll be one along in a minute.
03:43Will there?
03:44Oh, yes, they're quite regular.
03:48Oh, nearly got him.
03:50Don't worry, I'll get him the next time he comes around.
03:51Don't you worry about that.
03:52If fresh is too much trouble, I'll have frozen.
03:55No, if you want fresh, you can have fresh.
04:07That was my fault, wasn't it?
04:09No, no, no, I should have been paying attention.
04:11I've been doing the job long enough.
04:15Actually, I don't think I will have rabbit.
04:17I've changed my mind.
04:18You sure you don't want rabbit?
04:20No.
04:24Are you absolutely certain
04:26You don't want rabbit?
04:27I'm certain.
04:31All right, I will, then.
04:35No, no, I have definitely changed my mind.
04:38I'll have half a dozen lamb chops.
04:41Lamb chops?
04:42I'll get the big bat, then.
04:52I hear they're building a branch line off the Channel Tunnel
04:56and it's going to come right through here.
04:57So I thought, well, it's about time I learned the European language.
05:04Oui, j'utilise votre garage.
05:07Can I use your garage?
05:11Can I use your garage?
05:19I reckon I'll be fluent in a week.
05:22Say, fella, that sure is a fine range of candy you have there.
05:26Hang on, I'll get my phrase book.
05:29Say, fella, that's a fine range of candy you've got there.
05:32Can you tell me the way to pick Dilly Circus?
05:35Yes.
05:36Yes, go down here.
05:36Turn left.
05:37Third on the right.
05:38Okay.
05:38Thank you, buddy.
05:39Yeah.
05:39Buddy.
05:40I think you're buddy.
05:41You call me that again and I'll smack you one.
05:45Well, there's nothing to this language lager, is there?
05:47It's a piece of cake.
05:48Excusez-moi, monsieur.
05:49Est-ce que vous avez quelque chose que je pourrais acheter pour nettoyer ma voiture
05:52que j'ai laissé chez moi en France il y a quelques semaines
05:55ou peut-être vous voudrez la nettoyer vous-même
05:57si vous n'avez pas beaucoup à faire aujourd'hui ou demain?
06:01Can I use your garage?
06:12How's that?
06:13No, it's still blurred.
06:16What about now?
06:17No.
06:19That's it.
06:20Hold it there.
06:25Well, your new career is going to be a tremendous success.
06:29Oh, that's good.
06:30And in 17 months' time, you're going to meet the man of your dreams, Roy,
06:34and you're going to be married.
06:36Married?
06:37Yes, to Simon.
06:39What happened to Roy?
06:40Well, it wouldn't be fair for me to tell you that,
06:42but if I were you, I wouldn't go hang-gliding with him, all right?
06:46Thank you, Mr Shannon.
06:47That's all right.
06:48Come through, please, would you, Jenny?
06:50I was on my way anyway, sir.
06:52Yes, I know.
06:54You should pause winnings for the week, Mr Shannon.
06:57Oh, just put that on, would you?
06:59Now, on second thought, put them on laughing boy,
07:02running in the free 30 at red car.
07:04It'll come in at 8 to 1 after a steward's inquiry.
07:06Yes, sir.
07:07Oh, and phone the police and tell them there's a bank raid
07:09planned for half past 10 in Anscott Road.
07:11Now, on second thought, phone Frank Sledgehammer McCoy,
07:15tell him the police have been tipped off.
07:16That'll save everybody a lot of bother.
07:17Right, sir.
07:18Oh, I'll take tomorrow afternoon off
07:19because your sister's paying you a surprise visit from Australia.
07:22Oh, yes, sir, I will.
07:27Good afternoon, sir.
07:28My name's...
07:29Inspector Lorimer, isn't it?
07:31Yes, that's right, sir.
07:32Well done.
07:34I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we do need your help.
07:36This is urgent.
07:37This man was abducted yesterday evening.
07:40Now, his kidnappers are going to kill him in six hours' time
07:43unless we can find some sort of...
07:44He's being held at 15 Albert Terrace,
07:47back bedroom, and he's tied to the radiator.
07:49Well, thanks very much indeed, sir.
07:51The back bedroom will be redecorated in six weeks' time
07:53by the firm of Dibden and Sons.
07:55George Dibden will go bankrupt in five years' time
07:58when he blows all his money in a whistle factory.
08:00His son, Alan, will be happy until he goes to Las Vegas
08:03and loses his sexual organs in a car game.
08:06He leaves her job at the post office
08:08when she discovers a new planet.
08:11She goes back to the post office
08:12when she realises she can get £3.50 an hour selling stamps,
08:15but all she gets for discovering a new planet
08:17is a letter from the Queen with the words
08:19Well Done written on it.
08:21Thank you, Mr Shannon, but I really must be going.
08:23Oh, but I haven't warned you about your skiing accident.
08:25Ah, well, that's just where you're wrong, Mr Shannon,
08:27because I don't go skiing and I've no intention of doing so.
08:30Still, I don't suppose you can be right every time.
08:39I told you so.
08:41Come here, Mr Strong.
08:42You don't know me,
08:43but I've heard about your wonderful powers
08:45of fortune-telling and telepathy,
08:47and I like...
08:47Oh, I think this is what you're looking for.
08:48It's a complete description of your life
08:50from now till the day you die.
08:53But it says here I die a lingering death in three years.
08:56Oh, I can't help that.
08:58This is unbearable.
08:59I can't live with this knowledge.
09:01I can't go on.
09:03It's too much.
09:04It's just too much.
09:05Ah!
09:06Oh, Mr Shannon, something awful's happened.
09:11You've given Mr Strong the wrong file.
09:13This is his.
09:13Oh, let's have a look.
09:15Commit suicide by jumping out a fifth-floor window.
09:18I don't know what to send him to do on that one.
09:22I must say, the uniform's certainly a very good fit.
09:25Yes, sir.
09:25The escape committee have done a wonderful job.
09:27And you've got your letters of identification
09:29in the name of Herr Heinrich Gerhardt.
09:32Yes, sir.
09:33And you've got your travel papers,
09:35your letters of authorisation,
09:37and your railway ticket to Dusseldorf.
09:40Oh, yes, sir.
09:41Oh.
09:42Good luck.
09:43Thank you, sir.
09:44Yes, good luck, Simon.
09:45Thanks, sir.
09:46I could at least...
10:05You see, you've written on tombstones.
10:08Not dead, only sleeping.
10:10That's a cruel trick to play on somebody.
10:14I was kidnapped once.
10:16I was walking down the street,
10:17minding my own business,
10:19and this bloke suddenly grabbed me,
10:20dragged me into this car,
10:22blindfolded me,
10:22and drove off.
10:23And we drove around for hours,
10:25and I didn't have a clue where I was.
10:26And then I suddenly remembered
10:28those old episodes of The Saint, you know,
10:30where somebody gets kidnapped,
10:31and they listen for clues outside the car
10:34to give them, you know,
10:35some idea of their whereabouts.
10:36So we're driving along,
10:38and after a couple of hours,
10:39the car's stopped.
10:40And over here,
10:41I heard the sound of church bells in the distance.
10:44And over here,
10:45the sound of horse's hoof on cobbled stone.
10:48Well, horse's hooves, I should have said,
10:50unless it's a one-legged horse, horse's hoof.
10:53It might have been a one-legged horse,
10:54I didn't know, you know.
10:56I suppose horse's hoofs might have been four one-legged horses,
10:59I mean...
11:00Yeah, I was blindfolded.
11:03And back here, I heard a voice,
11:06a man's voice,
11:07say,
11:08is this 27 Albert Terrace?
11:13London SW11.
11:16And another voice said,
11:18no.
11:39That's the third time I've hit that pillow.
11:44I bought a satellite dish
11:46the other day.
11:47It's wonderful.
11:47It's a brand-new system called TVC15.
11:51And you get a brilliant picture
11:52because the satellite orbits the Earth
11:54at a height of 15 feet.
11:58I mean, there are drawbacks.
12:00You get a marvellous picture
12:01while the satellite's directly overhead,
12:02but you lose it once it goes past the shed next door.
12:06So if you're watching a really good programme,
12:08you've got to put the TV set into a wheelbarrow
12:11and run along the street
12:12after the satellite.
12:14Last Christmas,
12:15I watched Lawrence of Arabia all the way through,
12:18and my wife had to pick me up from Bavaria.
12:24And I've just bought one of those
12:25hi-fi television sets, you know.
12:27I watched Little and Large
12:28in NICAM digital stereo.
12:31And it's wonderful
12:32because if you turn the volume up on one channel,
12:34all you can hear is Eddie Large.
12:36But if you turn the volume up on the other channel,
12:38all you can hear is Eddie Large.
12:42And watching Kilroy Silk's good fun,
12:44I saw a woman on it the other day,
12:46wonderful way of arguing she had.
12:48Somebody said,
12:49oh, I don't think we should have a royal family.
12:51And this woman said,
12:52oh, so you don't want a royal family, eh?
12:54What do you want to do then?
12:55Bring back Hitler, is that it?
13:00I mean, you've got to admire stupidity like that.
13:04To be against a royal family is pro-Hitler, you know.
13:07I'd hate to go round her house.
13:09Do you want some toast?
13:10Not for me, thanks.
13:11Oh, so you don't want toast.
13:12What do you want to eat then, eh?
13:14Human excrement, is that it?
13:17No.
13:18Introducing the Abominator,
13:20an all-purpose, self-contained home gymnasium.
13:24This scientifically designed Abominator
13:27quickly reduces unsightly tummy bulge.
13:31The unique Abominator also tones up those tired old back muscles.
13:37And for all over fitness, how about this?
13:41Indoor swimming.
13:43Use the Abominator for building up those arm muscles.
13:47Or for jumping vegetables.
13:50Say goodbye to all these.
13:53And we place it with this.
13:56It cuts.
13:59It cuts.
14:02And look.
14:04But where's the shell?
14:09It's magic.
14:12And there's the barbecues.
14:15And there's more.
14:18Teach your cat to play the piano.
14:24Contact the dead.
14:27Combat drug abuse.
14:30And remember, the Abominator is not available in the shops.
14:34And when you buy one, you'll know why.
14:49I've just heard a signal from HMS Hercules.
14:52There are a large number of U-boats in the area.
14:55Excellent.
14:55It's about time, this crew's awesome action.
14:58Steer 190.
14:59Steer 190, sir.
15:01Correction.
15:02Steer 271.
15:04Steer 271, sir.
15:06Excuse me, sir.
15:06If we steered north, we could make a sweep of the entire area.
15:09Yes, good idea.
15:10Steer 0, a 1, a 5.
15:13Hang on a minute.
15:14I don't know which way we're facing now.
15:17Can't we go back to Portsmouth and start again?
15:20Look, just do it, will you, sailor?
15:25Half ahead, both engines.
15:26Half ahead, both engines.
15:28This is a terrible part, you know.
15:30Look, I haven't even got a proper jumper on, look.
15:34That's naval cuts for you, isn't it?
15:36I just repeat everything he says.
15:38I didn't even bother learning me lines.
15:39Slow ahead, Port.
15:41Slow ahead, Port.
15:44You could have got a parrot to do this.
15:47Look, my mate could have done that.
15:48Look, slow ahead, Port.
15:51You know, number one,
15:52I sometimes think there are no real winners in war.
15:56Of course, he's been to drama school, you know.
15:58He's done a special course on how to act in a submarine.
16:01How to look dignified underwater.
16:04I'd have asked for his money back if I was him.
16:06Are you married number one?
16:08No, sir.
16:09Damn lucky.
16:10You only have yourself to worry about.
16:12Enemy ship directly overhead, sir.
16:15Now, that's what I call drama.
16:23Can I get act in work?
16:25Can I get act in work?
16:26No.
16:27Enemy ship overhead.
16:28Cut all engines.
16:29Well, at least they're not dropping depth charges.
16:34Switch over to emergency lighting.
16:37Now, what I don't understand is every time there's an explosion,
16:40the lights go off.
16:41And then we switch over to emergency lighting.
16:43Why don't we have the emergency lighting on in the first place?
16:46To chuck all this other stuff, it's useless.
16:48Level 10.
16:50We're taking her to the bottom.
16:5340 fathoms.
16:5645 fathoms.
16:5950 fathoms.
17:03Oh, I can't keep this up.
17:11Just doing my backing.
17:13I'll lean like this for all the changes.
17:14Yeah, that's better.
17:18Anybody who switches on now wonder what's going on, won't they?
17:21Hey, look, this will confuse them.
17:22Here we are.
17:31Now, don't try that at home.
17:36Signal from Major Miss Hercules, sir.
17:38Apparently it was then we dropped two depth charges by mistake.
17:41Two?
17:41But there's only been one.
17:46I was in an open boat for five weeks.
17:48And if I'd been on my own with no one to talk to,
17:51I'd have gone stark staring mad.
17:54Do you fancy a biscuit?
17:56I don't mind if I do.
18:03Ladies and gentlemen, we have just arrived at London Kings Cross.
18:07Will passengers please make sure that they have all their belongings with them
18:11when they leave the train.
18:28Come on out now, Hinton.
18:30You haven't got a chance.
18:34It's no use.
18:35He's just refusing to talk to us.
18:37Don't worry.
18:38Here comes Inspector Wainwright.
18:39He's just done a training course in police negotiations.
18:50Come on out now, Hinton.
18:52You haven't got a chance.
18:57Have you ever been hit by a shower of fish?
19:04I haven't, but I know a bloke who was.
19:07About a year ago, I joined the SAS.
19:09Before that, I belonged to the Territorial Army.
19:12Which is great as long as war's declared at the weekend or at a bank holiday.
19:19The SAS have got the toughest training programme in the world.
19:23You're trained to kill a man with just your little finger.
19:25You use it to pull the trigger on a Kalashnikov rifle.
19:30Now, about a year ago, I was leading this secret mission.
19:34Now, when we got to the airstrip, the commanding officer told us that we were a suicide squad.
19:40If it came to it, we had to kill ourselves rather than be captured by the enemy.
19:45My mate Bill didn't want to take any chances, so he hung himself before we got on the plane.
19:50They found him in the gent's toilet swinging from the roller tail.
19:53Still, there was no time to stop for casualties.
19:55We just wiped our hands on him and got on the plane.
19:59Anyway, about two hours later, we're flying over a remote part of the British countryside when the order came to
20:07jump.
20:08Now, the most dangerous part of any parachute jump is the last eight feet.
20:14That's why I always took a step back.
20:25Things went wrong right from the start.
20:28Some of us were blown miles off course.
20:39Are you sure these chairs are safe, dear?
20:42Look, I know how to put up a deck chair without it collapsing.
20:49But despite these setbacks, I made my way to the agreed rendezvous.
20:53I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news about Nugent.
20:56Sir, sir, his stepladder didn't open.
20:59What bit is this there, sir?
21:01Completely useless.
21:04The first job of any fighting unit is to build and latrine.
21:12Pretty soon, our rations ran out and it was up to me to catch breakfast for the rest of the
21:16men.
21:21But the men were still hungry and in a desperate attempt to get some food, we caught a rabbit.
21:25Then we sent the rabbit down to the shops to get some pizzas.
21:30And so we set off on our mission.
21:32Three days and three nights, we marched over open country,
21:36marching over mountains, marching under streams,
21:39from the Arctic Circle to the Sahara Desert.
21:43We marched and marched and marched.
21:46Until at last, it was time to open our sealed orders.
21:50Don't march anywhere.
21:54We were now only 300 yards from our target.
22:00But the problem was how to get past the security.
22:04It was then that I had an idea.
22:10Luckily, I'd remembered to pack the regimental paddling pool.
22:17Good luck, sir.
22:31And there, up in the window, was my target.
22:34It was now or never.
22:53I'm stuck with this fish now.
22:55Does anybody want it?
22:56I'll have it, mate.
23:02You're going to have chips with that?
23:04Not likely.
23:04This is my brother-in-law.
23:09It could happen.
23:11It's my brother-in-law.
23:14It's my brother-in-law.
23:16It's my brother-in-law.
23:18It's my brother-in-law.
23:22It's my brother-in-law.
23:26It's my brother-in-law.
23:28It's my brother-in-law.
23:29It's my brother-in-law.
23:30It's my brother-in-law.
23:31It's my brother-in-law.
23:33It's my brother-in-law.
23:34It's my brother-in-law.
23:35It's my brother-in-law.