- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 5th February 2016.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sarah Millican
Noel Fielding
Eddie Kadi
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sarah Millican
Noel Fielding
Eddie Kadi
Category
๐บ
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, welcome to QI, where tonight will be one massive, marvellous, molten mess.
00:11And here's the mix, the massive Noel Fielding.
00:17The marvellous Eddie Cunning.
00:22The molten Sarah Millican.
00:27And who will clean up this mess?
00:29Alan Davis.
00:34And let's hear your messy buzzers.
00:38Noel goes.
00:42Eddie goes.
00:47Sarah goes.
00:51And Adam goes.
00:58Do you know what that was?
01:01April 2010.
01:03What's our theme?
01:04Mess.
01:05Lionel.
01:06Lionel Messi.
01:07Messi.
01:08Scoring how many times?
01:09Against Arsenal.
01:11Oh, four.
01:11Yes.
01:13I'm through, sir.
01:17I'm through, sir.
01:18Anyway, what's the meaning of this mess of M-words?
01:24Just choose one as it passes by.
01:26Oh, mum budget is how much your mum's got in her purse.
01:30So, is that literally the budget that your mum has?
01:33Because when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for ten pounds and she'll always be like, I don't
01:37have ten pounds, here's one pound.
01:39Right?
01:39If I ask her for a pound, she'll give me 20 pence.
01:42So, I ask her for a million.
01:44Just to get it out.
01:45Just to get it out.
01:46Just to get it out.
01:46And she slacked me.
01:49Mum budget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something.
01:52Ah.
01:52You put the word budget after, like there's a word fust budget, for example, which is someone who's very fussy.
01:56Oh.
01:57Don't be such a fuss budget, it was a regency sort of word.
02:00Munch.
02:01Monster Munch.
02:02Monster Munch.
02:03Munch is New Zealand for minge.
02:05Oh, munch.
02:09Oh dear, horribly true.
02:11Mon arsonous.
02:13Yeah, single crack.
02:17The mixture of a mammoth and a hammock.
02:20It's a bra.
02:21It's a bra.
02:22It's where I have my mammaries.
02:24Oh, you're mammary hammers.
02:26Yes.
02:26Mammer.
02:27A man-ess is a woman.
02:29Yes.
02:30Is it mormel?
02:31Is it?
02:31Yes.
02:31But what surprises you?
02:34You got one right?
02:35You got one right, yeah.
02:35It's actually awesome.
02:36I'm going.
02:38You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a man-ess, but actually it's 16th century.
02:43Tudor, 1500s, man-ess.
02:44A man and a man-eth.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Masology, the study of mazes.
02:49Oh, no!
02:52The study of mazes.
02:54It's stupid to get one of those go off.
02:58It's actually the study of mammals.
03:00Oh!
03:01Mammals in zoology.
03:01That live in mazes.
03:02Zoology, yeah.
03:03Is a mutton monger, like a Welsh person?
03:06No.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites.
03:13It could be called a mutton monger.
03:14Oh, really?
03:14So a Welshman, then?
03:15Yeah.
03:17Not like a fishmonger, then.
03:18Mowley is someone who's like a mole.
03:20They're not actually a mole.
03:21They're like a mole.
03:22They're like a mole.
03:22They're sort of mole-ly.
03:24Is a mornable like a really good funeral?
03:29LAUGHTER
03:31APPLAUSE
03:33I'll catch up with a mole.
03:35Mole's actually a rather grim thing.
03:36It's wonderful.
03:37There is a name for it.
03:391950s gangs, yeah, racecourse gangs and things,
03:42but often known as razor gangs,
03:44and razors were the weapon of choice.
03:46People used to shave each other.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49The legs.
03:50They used to conceal razors inside a potato.
03:54Oh, nice.
03:54And they called it a mole.
03:55Oh.
03:56A mole, you?
03:57And they could keep it in their pocket without hurting themselves.
04:00Wow.
04:00Better than having it concealed in your sandwiches.
04:03Well, yes, that would be horrible.
04:04What other words have we come up across?
04:06A mug one is when you put your biscuit in your tea
04:09and half of it falls to the bottom.
04:11Oh, that would be so useful.
04:14What about mung?
04:15Is that a man with a vagina?
04:16No.
04:19It's mug adored.
04:20Like, if you're a cat lady.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Mung adored.
04:23Mung is actually a verb.
04:25It's something mothers do, but I don't know anybody else would do it
04:28unless they were weird.
04:29You mung.
04:30We mung.
04:30We mung.
04:31We mung.
04:31That's how verbs work.
04:32We mung.
04:33You've conjugated the verb to mung very nicely.
04:37I mung daily.
04:39I have never munged.
04:40I will have munged.
04:41We'll be future perfect.
04:42I could have munged.
04:43Could have munged.
04:44I might have munged.
04:44I may well have munged.
04:45Yes.
04:46I cannot remember if I munged or not.
04:49Mung is to wipe someone else's nose.
04:51I did not mung.
04:52You did?
04:54I munged you every 15 minutes though.
04:56Mesopygian.
04:58Mesopygian is interesting because you almost mentioned that.
05:01A mesopygian?
05:02Mesopygian.
05:03Mesopygian.
05:03Sounds like you're doing yourself down.
05:05Oh, mesopygian.
05:07Oh, mesopygian.
05:08P-P-P-P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek.
05:11As in steropygus.
05:13Beautiful fat buttocks.
05:15Steropygus.
05:16And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.
05:19Oh, what?
05:19It's your anal fishtia.
05:21Your anal fishtia.
05:22Don't say anal fishtia.
05:24I'm an anal fishtia.
05:25I'm an anal fishtia.
05:27A fishtia.
05:27A fishtia.
05:28A fishtia.
05:29Yeah.
05:29An anal fishtia.
05:30What else were we?
05:32How did I know?
05:34An anal angler.
05:35Oh, dear.
05:37If you got a bit itchy, you could be a mesopygian.
05:39Yeah, that's right.
05:40You've got a bit itchy.
05:40That's amazing.
05:41It's all running down with mesopygian.
05:45There's got to be a word for these things, doesn't there?
05:48It's good that they exist.
05:49But you talked about mugwump earlier.
05:51Mugwump actually is a word that most Americans would know
05:53because it has a historical place in American politics.
05:56Mugwumps were Republicans who deserted the Republican Party in the 1880s
06:00and voted Democrat.
06:02Oh.
06:03And so it means a turncoat, a political turncoat in American political discourse.
06:07That person must have been really angry who decided that word.
06:10Well, it was.
06:10They've gone to the United States.
06:11It was.
06:12Mugwumps.
06:13It's an Algonquin Indian word.
06:15Algonquin Indian.
06:17Mugwump.
06:17Mugwump.
06:18Mullypuff.
06:18Mullypuff is a thoughtful...
06:21Puff.
06:24Sturdy.
06:25It's a contemptible...
06:26It's an absolute minefield.
06:28It's a contemptible, despicable person.
06:30Is it?
06:31Or it is a type of puffball fungus.
06:33Yeah.
06:34If you want to know what the rest mean, go to www.quiteinterestingmwords.com.
06:40It's a real site.
06:41There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though.
06:45Mitosism, which you haven't commented on.
06:46It's an excessive use of the letter M.
06:49Ah.
06:50So, let's let the Mitosism roll.
06:53Name a politician with raw animal magnetism.
06:56Ooh.
06:58Wow.
06:58Ed Miliband.
07:01No, but seriously.
07:05It's actually a politician long dead.
07:07Animal magnetism.
07:09Where did that phrase come from?
07:10It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase.
07:12It seems so to us, because we use it all the time.
07:14But why animal magnetism?
07:17There's something charismatic about them physically, the way they move or look or do things.
07:22Mmm.
07:22It's not what they say.
07:24It's their aroma.
07:26Is it the way...
07:27Yeah.
07:27Free spirit.
07:29Is it the way, like, a gorilla can sometimes be sexy, but you're not allowed to say that?
07:35It's sort of an and in zoos to go, I'd do that one, wouldn't you?
07:39Where are we?
07:40Is it an American politician?
07:41No.
07:42We're back in the 1970s.
07:431970s.
07:44The Gladstone of Israel.
07:45There's a German Austrian figure called Franz.
07:47Right.
07:48Who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do, which involved using the
07:54magnetic fluids of people to make them do things they didn't want to do.
07:59And he coined the phrase animal magnetism, meaning a very basic, primal, human magnetic quality.
08:06And his name was Franz.
08:08M-
08:10M-
08:10Magnet.
08:16M-
08:17M-
08:18Mesmerizing.
08:19Yes.
08:19And so his name was?
08:20Bobby Mesmerizer.
08:24I've only given you, Frank, a friend.
08:26No.
08:27Franz Mesmer.
08:29Franz Mesmer was his name.
08:31And he was the first great public figure to hypnotize.
08:36Oh.
08:36Wow.
08:36To use hypnosis.
08:37Even the name's quite mesmerizing.
08:39It is.
08:40The name?
08:40I am Bobby the Mesmerizer.
08:42No.
08:43Forget the Bobby.
08:44Franz.
08:46You prefer Bobby, don't you?
08:47Yeah, because you don't see a comedy, do you?
08:49No, you don't.
08:50I am Bobby.
08:50Bobby Mesmer.
08:51Where are the fluids?
08:52The bodily fluids?
08:53The magnetic fluids?
08:54It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed.
08:57Oh.
08:57He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques, but he claimed that he was exploiting these
09:04magnetic fluids, which don't exist in the human body, in order to sort of pull out the
09:08things that he could make people do.
09:10It's called ro-hypnal now.
09:11Yeah.
09:11It's something pretty good.
09:13But plenty of people believed in what he did and said.
09:16Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.
09:21Dickens liked to try and practice on a friend of his, Madame de la Rue, and he went on a
09:26train
09:27with his wife, who was practicing hypnotizing on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote that he heard
09:31the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground.
09:46Oh dear.
09:47We might come back to muffs.
09:48I hope not, but we might.
09:50What happened is he hypnotized his wife into a trance by accident.
09:54And he heard a sound.
09:55He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground, and he turned around and saw that she'd
09:59be the one who'd been hypnotized, not Madame de la Rue.
10:01So his wife always just came in with a cup of tea?
10:03Yes.
10:03Bang.
10:04Exactly.
10:05But the politician whom Coleridge characterized as having animal magnetism, which was an insult,
10:11was Pitt the Younger.
10:12He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.
10:16Wow.
10:17In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force or some sort of power over people
10:22in order to persuade them to his cause.
10:24Yeah.
10:25And there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France, who the 16th set
10:28one up.
10:29It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history.
10:32Wow.
10:32They ruled that it had no basis in fact.
10:35But nonetheless, people continued to believe it.
10:37Yeah.
10:38Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, at least according to Coleridge.
10:42Now, here's an interesting effect.
10:44Listen to this.
10:48What was being said?
10:49Is that the devil?
10:50It was the devil, but do you know what he was saying?
10:53So I'm going to be late.
10:54Put the dinner on.
10:55Have another listen.
11:00Now, the chances are you just didn't understand what he was saying.
11:03But if you heard it said clearly, then listen again to that distorted sound.
11:09So this is what was being said.
11:11Try saying blue whale.
11:13That's bound to come up eventually.
11:17That was extraordinary.
11:19Wow.
11:20Hear that again?
11:21Try saying blue whale.
11:22That's bound to come up eventually.
11:26Yeah.
11:27It really can hear it, can't you?
11:28It sounds like it's saying it with a cord.
11:30Yeah.
11:30It's right.
11:31It's amazing what the human brain can process, but it needs a little bit of information.
11:36from that apparently random sound that you thought you'd never ever understand.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Once you're told what it is, you can instantly imprint the structure of it.
11:43It's amazing, I think.
11:44It's phenomenal.
11:45Phenomenal.
11:46What's the most inappropriate thing, beginning with M, that the Pope has kissed?
11:51Yes, Sarah Millican.
11:53My breasts.
11:55Oh, this has come as a shock to me.
11:57Tell the story.
11:58Where were you?
11:58That's it.
11:58He just, he sort of fell.
12:01He just fell on your breasts.
12:02I was in like WH Smith's and he come in to bless some bibles or something and he just tripped
12:08on because the carpet was and I had a low coat top and I don't wear one for QI because
12:13it
12:13feels disrespectful.
12:14Yes.
12:14But then all we have them out and he just blinded and because his natural inclination is to
12:19kiss things, you just kiss them.
12:20Wow.
12:22What was his reaction?
12:23Did you like it?
12:24He was pleased.
12:27What did he do until he got mmmm?
12:29No, he was too polite for that but I could see a little gliss in his eye.
12:33He had this rapid succession of pontiffs in the last 10 years or so.
12:38So was this John Paul II?
12:39Was it Benedict?
12:40I can't tell them apart.
12:44Well this is...
12:44It would help if they wore different outfits but they're always on the same dress.
12:50Anyway.
12:51A merkin.
12:51What's a merkin?
12:52It's a pubic wig.
12:53A pubic wig?
12:55Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig?
12:57Wow.
12:57Is it likely?
12:58If he was drunk enough.
13:00On communion wine.
13:02If he was drunk in a different way.
13:03Well we get back to the 17th century.
13:05It was a tall lady.
13:07I think you're going to like this man.
13:09There's an English, English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.
13:15Dicky Dudley.
13:16Dick Dudley.
13:17I think you're going to like Dick Dudley.
13:18He was hiding in Rome and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers he bought
13:22a dead prostitute's pubic wig.
13:25A merkin.
13:27From an anatomist.
13:28He dried it well and combed it out.
13:31That's an inverted commas because it's a quotation.
13:33And sold it to the Pope.
13:35There they are.
13:36There's a selection of them.
13:37Wow.
13:37Like the one on the bottom right.
13:39That's good.
13:40Nice curls.
13:41Yeah.
13:42That's out of perm that one.
13:44So this was unsung as back in the day.
13:46Yeah.
13:46Kind of.
13:47My goodness.
13:48He sold it to the Pope.
13:50Could have been Clement the 10th or Innocent the 11th.
13:52As a piece of St Peter's beard.
14:02Pope's like relics.
14:04He's a great man.
14:04I like Dick Dudley.
14:05Pope Gullible the fourth.
14:06Yeah.
14:09A beard you say.
14:11St Peter's.
14:13Exactly.
14:14The Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times and appeared to be thrilled with his
14:18purchase.
14:19Dick was paid a hundred ducats and he immediately skedaddled it out of Rome before anybody caught
14:24up with him and called his mouth.
14:26Bluff.
14:28Wow.
14:29But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century at least.
14:35Especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to disease.
14:40Waxing.
14:40Syphilis.
14:41Waxing.
14:42Waxing.
14:43That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave.
14:46It does, doesn't it?
14:48Oh, no.
14:49It's the sun.
14:50You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven.
14:55Anyway.
14:56When in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard.
14:58You don't know where it's been.
15:00What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff?
15:04Cake.
15:05Yo!
15:08I'm sorry.
15:10Welcome.
15:11Yeah, welcome to our room.
15:14I told you we'd return to muffs and here we have with a vengeance.
15:16What did people keep in muffs?
15:18What did women keep in muffs?
15:19There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory.
15:23Mirror.
15:23A living moving accessory.
15:26Oh.
15:27A hamster.
15:29Maybe that just was the muff.
15:30Well, you know what Chinese people get in their large sleeves?
15:34A crocodile.
15:37A wild guess and I wish it were correct.
15:40A duck.
15:40Not a duck.
15:42That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.
15:44A dog.
15:45Yeah, so dogs.
15:45In their sleeves.
15:47But the muffs, which are sometimes known as snuffkins in England, were worn by both men
15:52and women.
15:53Not just women.
15:54King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.
15:58Wow.
15:59In his diary, Samuel Peeps reported that,
16:01this day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff.
16:06So that's not the way.
16:08All right.
16:09The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille, of course, had letters smuggled
16:13in by his wife, which she kept in her muff.
16:16Now, come on.
16:17Let's say muff enough.
16:19How do you just control yourself?
16:21You, don't you, how do you?
16:22Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes.
16:28There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Gallimari.
16:31She was the first woman to play Carmen.
16:33She always kept her marmosette in her muff.
16:35Of course she did.
16:36Yeah.
16:39So, there you are.
16:40There's a lot of...
16:41Where else are you going to put it?
16:42Yeah, exactly.
16:43There's times we had from muffs.
16:44Muffs were once used to store dogs, Muff said.
16:48Now, for a question about meteorology.
16:50Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?
16:55Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right?
16:57He loved them so much, he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed
17:01and killed them off.
17:03Yeah.
17:03And he said, do you know what?
17:04I'm going to resist this happening again.
17:06I'm creating the weather forecast.
17:07Just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it.
17:10He's a man who had an extraordinary and brilliant idea, and he had an incredibly stupid idea.
17:18But the world believed his stupid idea, but laughed dericefully at his good idea.
17:26His name was Fitzroy, and he invented the weather forecast and said he could forecast the weather,
17:30given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables.
17:33And people laughed him to scorn.
17:35But then he said, I know why dinosaurs died hurt.
17:40Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark.
17:43And people said, that's a brilliant point, you're right.
17:48And that's true.
17:49He was genuinely respected for thinking that.
17:52And that was huge, wasn't it?
17:53Yeah, that's right.
17:54It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small, they couldn't get the umbrella over their head.
18:00And he...
18:01I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he?
18:03Noah would have had a whole dinosaur section. It's absurd.
18:07You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea, right?
18:10Was there a weather forecast?
18:11Dinosaur said, no, no, we'll stay. I'm sure it'll be fine.
18:15They were just really positive.
18:16They were deluded.
18:17They were very sort of optimistic.
18:18And then when the flood came, they thought, oh, shit, actually, it's much worse than we thought.
18:20Or...
18:22I've just got the image now of a cave weatherman doing the weather...
18:26I don't know why you'd be a cave weatherman.
18:27...on a cave, and then all the dinosaurs sort of gathering round to see the pollen count.
18:34Fitzroy, does that mean anything to you in terms of natural history?
18:36A bastard.
18:37He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle.
18:41He was a friend of Darwin's.
18:43And despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said.
18:46In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's theory of evolution because Darwin didn't take into account...
18:50The Beagle, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark.
18:58Basically, that's what he says...
18:59Oh, yada, yada, yada, Charles.
19:02I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning.
19:04I'm telling you, ridiculous Fitzroy.
19:08You can't possibly know that.
19:10I'm telling you, it is.
19:12Well, it was 20 years...
19:13What a pair.
19:14They were a pair.
19:15They were a pair.
19:1520 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting, and actually it did catch on despite the initial scepticism.
19:21In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round asking what sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle
19:26of Wight.
19:27He lived in Norwood, and he would send a message saying it'll be windy.
19:30Lived in Norwood.
19:30That's funny to me.
19:31It is, I know.
19:32Only Victoria lived in Norwood.
19:43Fine.
19:45What are you going to say?
19:46Bloody piss in there.
19:50Well, there you are.
19:51The word meteorology comes from Greek for things high up.
19:55And in terms of high up, they used to use frogs for telling weather forecasts.
19:59They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.
20:02And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.
20:06If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.
20:08You're getting the idea of it?
20:11Did frogs even know what ladders were?
20:15I don't think they have to know what they are.
20:18Instinct declined.
20:19So it could have been anything.
20:20It didn't have to be ladders.
20:21It didn't have to be.
20:22Where's the frog?
20:23Where's the frog?
20:23It's half way up.
20:24But which way is he looking?
20:25He's looking down.
20:27Just say scattered showers, scattered showers.
20:32I think you're right.
20:33Sunny spells, sunny spells.
20:35He's got a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun.
20:38What if the weather?
20:39What if it was foggy?
20:40He's gone on an escalator.
20:42It's foggy.
20:44I think he's trying to get out the top.
20:46Yeah.
20:47That's what he's trying to do.
20:47He's trying to escape.
20:48One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off then, wasn't he?
20:53Left a note, I've no idea what the weather's going to be.
21:01There we have it.
21:04That's right.
21:05The father of meteorology thought that the dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark.
21:10When does the weekend start?
21:12Here.
21:13Here.
21:14That's right.
21:23I'm speaking in what historians use as that rather annoying present tense.
21:27So they say, and the world war starts in 1914 and the weekend starts.
21:32In other words, it's historians past tense.
21:35You know, the one that I really hate is a columnist when they're going somewhere and
21:38they always put, to the awards at the door.
21:40Oh, yes.
21:40So annoying, isn't it?
21:43I've also been caught up.
21:44They interviewed someone and said, I finally caught up with him in the rehearsal rooms
21:48of da-da-da-da-da.
21:49You didn't catch up with him.
21:50You arranged to meet precisely there.
21:52It was his idea that you were running around going, where is he?
21:55I'm going to catch up with him.
21:58I gave an interview to a journalist once and he was late.
22:00It wasn't his fault, but he was late.
22:02And I said to him, you're going to have enough.
22:03You've got to write quite a lot.
22:05And he said, oh, I don't know.
22:06I said, well, if you think of anything you wanted to ask me, just give me a ring.
22:11So he rang me the next day and he left a message and I rang him back.
22:14Anyway, when he put the article in the magazine, he put, a few days after this interview,
22:17Davis calls me.
22:19What?
22:20He wants to talk about the gig I saw him do at such and such a venue.
22:23What?
22:24It's paying on his phone.
22:25Fucking call me.
22:29You're late, you use this shitbag.
22:32You're late.
22:34I was desperate.
22:35I was so, I was pacing about the, oh my God, I'd better call him about the gig.
22:39Davis calls me.
22:39Davis calls me and climbs halfway the ladder.
22:44Looks like rain again.
22:46Oh, dear.
22:47A few days later, Davis punches me in the face.
22:52Hashtag celebrity problems.
22:54Um, it is, it's 15 years ago, it's still pissing.
23:03Oh, dear.
23:05So, yeah, the weekend's starting now.
23:07Well, it is actually a fairly modern concept.
23:10Ish.
23:11Yeah.
23:11Yeah, in the, in the Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, they work, uh, six days a week.
23:16They work on Sunday, of course.
23:18And then they have one day's holiday a year.
23:20Yeah.
23:21And they go on a B-note to Margate and get completely blanked.
23:25Magnificent work.
23:26It is a great, it is a great novel.
23:28It's a great novel.
23:29It's a truly great novel.
23:30Robert Trestle wrote that, didn't he?
23:31And it was just after the invention, if you'd like, of the weekend.
23:33Before, for 300 years at least, there'd been what was known as Saint Monday,
23:38which was very much a holy day for workers in which they didn't work.
23:43Like a bank holiday.
23:44Yeah.
23:44Every Monday.
23:45It started in the 17th century.
23:47Spent Monday with friends, drinking and socialising.
23:49I always feel slightly cheated if it's a bank holiday and I haven't realised,
23:53about 12 o'clock, Spartacus comes on and I go,
23:55there's no one on the streets.
23:59Spartacus is on.
23:59It's gotta be a bank holiday.
24:02It's like my friends with jobs and go, is it bank holiday?
24:05Yeah, it is.
24:07I ran a job, you dick.
24:11Yeah, and after the Industrial Revolution introduced regular working hours,
24:15factory workers adapted by routinely taking Monday off.
24:18Those who did turn up to work on Monday usually got sent home,
24:21the factories, because there weren't enough people manning the machines.
24:24Wow.
24:24Surprising, isn't it?
24:25It's like a lot of people are still playing into that culture.
24:27Yes, they are.
24:28But, yeah, the weekend was introduced as a compromise from employers
24:32to overcome this Saint Monday business and they gave half of Saturday was off.
24:37Half of Saturday?
24:38And that's why football was a big day?
24:39Yes, that's exactly right.
24:40Because football was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon,
24:43so the factories were empty.
24:44And then they had Sunday off, so they had a day and a half,
24:46it just became the weekend.
24:47And then that slowly became the whole Saturday, of course.
24:50And that's why Saturday night became the big boozy night,
24:52because you couldn't drink on a Sunday because of God.
24:54Mm, that's right.
24:55God was inflicted on people as a punishment
24:57for trying to have a nice time on their day off.
25:00No, no, no, you've got to think about God.
25:02Dress up and...
25:03Yep.
25:06I don't think it's quite open until 1994.
25:09Those were the days.
25:10Cool.
25:11Those were the days when you couldn't get bread or milk.
25:12Nice to love those.
25:15Yes, thank God it's Friday, but thanks Saint Monday
25:17that you get the weekends off.
25:19Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth.
25:21What do you think?
25:24Yes or no?
25:26Uh, yes.
25:27Yes is right.
25:29That was yes.
25:31Yes.
25:31Well done.
25:34The Swedish town of Umeรฅ, that is yes, to go,
25:36huh, huh, huh, huh.
25:38Which you can sort of do in English, going, huh, huh, huh, huh.
25:41Oh, that's they weren't saying yes.
25:43Yes, they weren't saying yes.
25:44And what's interesting is the idea
25:46that there may or may not be a universal way
25:48of signalling yes or no.
25:50Darwin was very interested in the idea
25:51that he looked all over the world for the different cultures
25:54to see whether they nodded and shook for yes and no.
25:58Mostly, it seems that nodding for yes
26:00and shaking for no.
26:02Shaking for timothy.
26:04Yeah, indeed, nodding for dandruff.
26:06But there's a reason, some people think,
26:08why it may be that there's a yes and a no.
26:10The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it,
26:13what do they do?
26:14Yeah, no.
26:15They turn their head away.
26:16Oh.
26:16They do that.
26:17It's a shaking of the head, if you like.
26:19I never do that.
26:20And if they want, no.
26:22If they want food, they incline their heads.
26:31If they want food, they seem to incline their heads,
26:33generally speaking around the world.
26:34Is it?
26:35Do you know, when you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo,
26:38is there a yes and no head shaking thing?
26:40You know, my friend was in Ethiopia,
26:43and she said she was at a restaurant,
26:44and the guy was asking,
26:45what food did you have?
26:46And he just kept going,
26:48Do you have it?
26:50So she's like, I think he's having a panic attack.
26:51But no, they've got everything on the list.
26:54Literally, that was yes.
26:54Their way of saying yes was,
26:56But in Africa, in general, including Congo,
26:59we have sound effects that we use.
27:01You know, your mom.
27:02When she's going,
27:03it means she's agreeing.
27:05When she goes,
27:06it means she doesn't want it.
27:07So that would be like,
27:08Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?
27:11And she'd be like,
27:12So can you put me to bed?
27:17You'll see a lot of Africans when they're talking.
27:18Yeah.
27:24It looks like an argument,
27:26but they're having the most pleasant conversation.
27:29You mentioned Ethiopia there,
27:31because actually Darwin,
27:31one of the peoples he looked into were the Abyssinians,
27:34as they were then called,
27:35and they apparently said no
27:36by jerking the head to the right shoulder
27:37and making a slight cluck.
27:40While yes,
27:41as expressed by the head being thrown backwards
27:42and the eyebrows raised for an instant.
27:45But it's Bulgaria where the opposite is true,
27:47that a nod means no,
27:48and a head shake means yes.
27:50Why?
27:51What about if you're patting your head
27:52and rubbing your tummy?
27:53What does that mean?
27:56Too much time on your hands.
27:57It means I'm available,
27:59but don't touch me.
28:01Now,
28:02why do you never see a mongoose
28:03and a rat together?
28:05Same person.
28:06Yeah.
28:06Yeah.
28:12Oh, that's...
28:13Oh, no.
28:14It was too good to be punished.
28:15I'm so sorry.
28:16That's really sad.
28:18Did they just not get on?
28:20Well,
28:20we're talking about their lifestyles.
28:22Yeah.
28:23One is day,
28:23one is night.
28:24Exactly.
28:26Rats are nocturnal,
28:27and mongoose,
28:28mongooses,
28:29mongoese,
28:30are...
28:30Dianal.
28:31Pass.
28:32Like...
28:33High five.
28:36Have a nice day,
28:36I've shat everywhere.
28:40It was a particular issue in Hawaii.
28:43They had a rat infestation,
28:45so they decided to bring in some mongoose
28:48to deal with them.
28:49So, like...
28:50This is why...
28:51They literally do.
28:54Well, they brought in the mongoose to deal with the rat population,
28:56and of course it didn't work,
28:57because they lived at different times a day.
28:59And so the mongoose also fed on the natural endemic birds of Hawaii,
29:03and their populations are screaming down.
29:05Somebody should have worked that out before they did that.
29:07They should have done it.
29:07This is in the early-ish mid-19th century,
29:10when people were less knowledgeable about wildlife than they are now.
29:13Wow.
29:13In fact, the people of Samoa were about to introduce the mongoose
29:16to deal with their rat problem,
29:18when a resident of Hawaii wrote to them and said,
29:20don't do this,
29:20it's destroyed our bird life even more.
29:22It saved Samoa.
29:24That's why they invented the moon,
29:25to get rid of the sun.
29:35It's...
29:36I'm loving it.
29:37There's a mongoose that invented the moon.
29:40There's one bird which, surprisingly, they're very pleased,
29:42has not thrived or thriven in Hawaii.
29:47And that's one of the most beautiful of all birds.
29:49The dodo.
29:50Peacock.
29:50Not the dodo.
29:51That's not thriving anywhere.
29:53Peacock.
29:54Peacock.
29:55Hummingbirds.
29:55No, I say a rubbing bird, but I'll take hummingbird.
29:58Hummingbirds.
29:58Well done.
30:00You'd think,
30:01why would anybody not want to have hummingbirds?
30:04But one of the main crops of Hawaii,
30:07which they make a lot of money,
30:08is the pineapple.
30:09Absolutely right.
30:10And hummingbirds are marvellous pollinators.
30:13of pineapples.
30:14But unfortunately, if you pollinate it,
30:15it's filled with seeds,
30:16and it's much less juicy,
30:17and much less tasty.
30:18So they don't want hummingbirds.
30:20I want to eat a whole pineapple.
30:22Did you?
30:23Yeah.
30:23Not the skin.
30:24No, no.
30:25I, like, you know,
30:26I cawed it and stuff.
30:27I didn't, like, eat the whole thing.
30:35I thought, like the Pope,
30:37you just fell over and swallowed it.
30:40It was just after the Pope kissed her on the knockers.
30:43That's how I celebrated.
30:46No.
30:46What could you learn from a meerkat?
30:49Oh.
30:49Oh.
30:50How to accessorize.
30:53Oh, clearly.
30:54Very beautifully.
30:55Not how to put mascara on.
30:57No.
30:57That's not impressive, is it?
30:58Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat.
31:02No.
31:11What are meerkats a type of?
31:13They're a type of meerkat.
31:14Or possibly a type of cat.
31:18They're actually a sort of mongoose.
31:19Mongoose.
31:20Do you know what they do?
31:21Is a mongoose a goose?
31:22The men fight.
31:23What's that one doing?
31:26He's meering.
31:28Impressively mongoose.
31:29The males fight, so the one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick of the females,
31:33and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually drive out the second most dominant one,
31:36and then he'll live on his own.
31:38But the women sneak out to see him.
31:41Oh.
31:42That's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know?
31:45Yes, getting a diverse...
31:47Yeah, I saw there was a whole programme about it.
31:48It's quite funny, quite funny little footage of the woman kind of sneaking out the cat.
31:53Climbing down like nuggets.
31:55Yes, basically.
31:56And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they literally did it in a book.
32:02I don't think anything.
32:03And then she went back to camp as if nothing at all.
32:05No one would sneak out for a Brian.
32:07No.
32:08Animal Magnetism.
32:10Animal Magnetism.
32:11Animal Magnetism.
32:12Exactly.
32:12That's the one.
32:13The question asked was, what do we learn from here?
32:17Well, if it's a driving instructor, it would be...
32:20Yes.
32:20...driving.
32:24Let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor.
32:27Let's suppose they're in the wild.
32:29Is it a danger thing?
32:30In Africa.
32:31And we learned they're one of very few animals other than human beings who teach their young.
32:36Oh, they have classes.
32:37Kind of do, yeah.
32:38Oh, yeah, books and things.
32:41They sacrifice time and effort.
32:43Wow.
32:44No apparent gain to self.
32:45To teach.
32:45That one's a supply teacher.
32:51They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil.
32:54One of the things they have to teach them, for example, is how to deal with a scorpion.
32:59So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead, then a live one with no sting.
33:04Oh, my God.
33:05And then, finally, as you can see, there it is, watching, making sure that it's all going well.
33:10If the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in.
33:12And then, eventually, they give one with a scorpion with a sting, so that they make sure they're young.
33:16The last, the last lesson is, don't get in that square with a scorpion.
33:22Don't give us brother.
33:23If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it.
33:28It is pretty impressive, isn't it?
33:30It's amazing.
33:31And do any of the young die?
33:33I think they're such good teachers, they know exactly what they're doing.
33:36Really?
33:37Yeah.
33:37They don't give them a live one, even without a sting, until they're absolutely sure they're ready.
33:41And you would start on, like, at least favourite Bane, wouldn't you?
33:44Yes.
33:44I know, I know, I know.
33:45He's a teacher.
33:46Hang on.
33:47He's boring.
33:48Let's do him first.
33:49He's lazy.
33:50And he'd keep me a good Bane for the end.
33:53Are you saying there's no bad students, any bad teachers?
33:55I imagine that.
33:56You are ready.
33:57Gadoonk.
33:57Oh, you weren't ready.
33:59Yes.
34:01Brian!
34:03Was that a scorpion with no tail?
34:06Oh, God.
34:09But other animals teach him.
34:10It seems that formal teaching is clear in the ant world.
34:13They engage in tandem running, whereby a leader guides a pupil to a food store.
34:18Wow.
34:19There we are.
34:20The leader adjusts its speed of running, even though it means getting to the food four times
34:24more slowly, just so the little one can catch up.
34:26Wow.
34:27You can see it's very clearly leading it, and the other one's following.
34:30They also count their strides to measure how far they've travelled.
34:33It's easier on that, because they're on squared paper.
34:41This is a grid.
34:42Shit.
34:44Well, we've much to learn from ants, and much to learn from meerkats.
34:47And so to the fearful mess that we call general ignorance.
34:50Fingers on buzzers, please.
34:52How can I tell the age of this tree?
34:55Chop it down.
34:57Yeah, have the ring.
34:58Oh!
34:59Oh!
35:00Oh!
35:02It's a sort of rough guy, but it doesn't really tell me the age.
35:04Well, it's the rough guy.
35:05Maybe that's all I'm after.
35:12Maybe I've got shit to do with.
35:13Did the question say?
35:18I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying.
35:20There's some years when it doesn't put down rings, and other years when it puts down two,
35:23even three rings.
35:24So it's very hard to tell precisely.
35:26Wow.
35:26As it's getting older, it starts lying.
35:28Yeah.
35:28Not putting a ring down.
35:30Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
35:32I should know that years ago, mate.
35:3522 again.
35:36Oh, yeah.
35:36Oh, yeah.
35:36Oh, yeah.
35:36Oh, yeah.
35:43Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer.
35:45They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree is to find out when it was
35:49planted.
35:49Yeah.
35:51It's not my answer, it's their answer.
35:53Passport.
35:54Yeah.
35:54But there are some that are a little too old to be able to do that.
35:57In 2012, there was a seed that was the oldest seed ever known successfully to germinate.
36:02How old do you think it was?
36:04One million years.
36:06No.
36:06You said it like an evil genius there.
36:09What do you mean?
36:10Mr. Bond.
36:11No, it wasn't a million years.
36:13Thirty-two thousand.
36:14Oh.
36:14I was going to say thirty-six thousand.
36:16Yeah.
36:16Thirty-two thousand.
36:18So they were jolly close.
36:19Yeah, they used carbon dating and all that sort of thing.
36:21Thirty metres below the Siberian ice it was discovered in a fossilised squirrel burrow.
36:27So it was probably buried there by a squirrel.
36:30How annoyed would that squirrel be?
36:33There was one in 2008, a two-thousand-year-old seed grew.
36:36And you may say that's not so impressive.
36:37But it's sprouted into an extinct date farm.
36:42Wow.
36:42So that's why the one of our new species came back to life.
36:45Yeah.
36:46Now, what colour is the moon?
36:51Black.
36:58Okay.
37:00Well, I'll accept black.
37:01I'll accept black.
37:02The dark side of the moon.
37:03The dark side of the moon.
37:03Well, the sides are all the same colour.
37:05It's a nice thought that the dark side of the moon is.
37:07Actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.
37:10Yes.
37:11Basically, kind of charcoal, almost black.
37:12Not a light grey, not a silvery colour.
37:15I mean, of course we get light.
37:16It's weird because you can't get grey cheese.
37:22Right.
37:23I hadn't thought of that.
37:25Yeah.
37:26It's quite bright, but not as bright as the earth.
37:28A full earth seen from the moon is a lot brighter than a full moon seen from the earth.
37:33That's because people leave their lights on.
37:35That's probably the reason.
37:37So the moon is very dark grey.
37:40But what colour is the sun?
37:43I've heard it's green.
37:46Not bad.
37:47Tartan.
37:48Green.
37:50Oh, you were doing so well.
37:53Tartan.
37:55Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart, it's mushrooms.
38:00Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise.
38:03Is it?
38:04It's bluey green.
38:05It emits photons of all the colours.
38:07Like a blue flame.
38:08Slightly more blue-green photons than any other.
38:10So it is slightly blue-green too.
38:12That is not fair.
38:13The moon and the sun, I just don't know.
38:14He's playing with us.
38:15Well, yes.
38:17It would actually look white from space.
38:19Right.
38:19More or less.
38:20Totally white.
38:20As it does at noon if you were to look at it from the ground.
38:22But don't, obviously.
38:24Yeah.
38:24The sun is white with a hint of turquoise.
38:26What is agoraphobia?
38:29Oh, no.
38:30That's, would that be it?
38:31Now, hang on.
38:32Take a second.
38:34Hang on.
38:34I'm not going to get so good.
38:35You've spelt it different or something, have you?
38:38No.
38:38It's a bit like when Phil Brown said,
38:41Why does Andrea Perlow not leave Italy and play in the Premier League?
38:45Why does he want to stay in Italy?
38:46Is it because he's homophobic?
38:51I think he was homophobic and he was afraid of leaving home.
38:54That's so strange.
38:57That makes sense.
38:58Is that out loud on live radio?
39:00That's absolutely brilliant.
39:02Is it a fear of really fluffy rabbits?
39:05Oh, agoraphobia, very good.
39:07Thanks.
39:09Agoraphobia.
39:10Yeah.
39:10Most people think agoraphobia means a fear of open spaces.
39:13Yes.
39:14Agoraphobia.
39:14It's the Greek for the marketplace, the equivalent of the Roman Forum.
39:17It's the open place.
39:18But apparently in psychiatry, agoraphobia can be a fear of any kind of space you don't like.
39:24So claustrophobia is a kind of agoraphobia.
39:27Other phobias.
39:28Do you know, according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in North Carolina,
39:3280% of high-rise buildings in America do not have what?
39:35Windows.
39:3880%.
39:38People.
39:39A lift.
39:40Are you talking about phobias?
39:41A 13th floor.
39:4380% of buildings in America do not have a 13th floor.
39:45So why do they come here?
39:47What's an American and they see that 13th floor?
39:49Because I'm not staying at this hotel.
39:51No, they won't.
39:51They won't.
39:51They won't.
39:52At least they won't want to be on the 13th floor.
39:54They won't want the room on the 13th floor.
39:55You're principally unlucky because you're American.
39:58Yeah.
39:59No.
40:06Alfred Hitchcock had a very powerful fear.
40:09Of...
40:10Actually, there is a word for him.
40:12The word...
40:14It might as well have been.
40:15It was alectrophobia.
40:17Alectrophobia, not alectrophobia.
40:19Alec.
40:19Alec.
40:20It's all the more extraordinary that he made the film The Birds.
40:22It's called Alec.
40:23It's not a...
40:23No.
40:24People are called Alec.
40:25It's not a fear of birds, but it's a fear of something birds produce.
40:28Eggs.
40:28Eggs.
40:28He's had a fear of eggs.
40:30Never had one.
40:31He used to weep around omelettes.
40:33Yeah.
40:33You'd be scared of that big chance if you showed him the eggs.
40:36Yeah.
40:36I'd be scared of an egg that size was coming.
40:38Oh, that's true.
40:40And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores.
40:46I've got a fear of the scores.
40:49Well, don't have because you're not in last place.
40:52In last place, with minus 15, is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid.
40:59In third choice, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding.
41:08With a highly impressive minus four, in second place, Eddie Caddy.
41:16It could only mean one astonishing thing.
41:19In first place, with minus one, Alan Davies.
41:32That's this mess cleaned up.
41:35So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me.
41:38In the words of that prolific writer,
41:40Anonymous, chaos, panic and disorder.
41:43My work here is done.
41:44Good night.
41:45We have not told that theๅ้ starts to stayain and on.
41:45Over here.
41:45We wait.
41:45It's good.
41:45Bye, go ahead.
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