- 25 minutes ago
Clarkson's Farm - Season 5 Episode 1 - TBA
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Short filmTranscript
00:24What I feel
00:28I can't say
00:32But my love is up to you any time of day
00:40Everything's our love
00:43That you need
00:47And I'll try my best to make everything succeed
00:52Probably took a sun ball coming and made that piece of the car, I think
00:55What is my life without you
00:59And tell me who am I without you
01:07Have all the numbers arrived yet?
01:14Yeah, PG's honey
01:15Welcome back to Clockson's farm
01:20Where everything is as we left it
01:27Nearly
01:42He's going to stay there for a couple hours
01:56A few weeks earlier I tried to open my pub
02:00While simultaneously doing the harvest
02:04Powered up, fans are dead, no gas
02:09Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck
02:12And it had all been a bit too stressful
02:29All right, mate
02:30Oh, you're back
02:31I'm back and not dead
02:33How are you?
02:34The reaper will have to wait
02:36It was fucking close, though
02:38Carl, you did look ill
02:40I was worried
02:40I have been worried
02:41I've been properly worried, actually
02:43That's a good thing, mate
02:45What'd they say?
02:46It wasn't a heart attack
02:47Okay, that's good
02:48What did the tingling in the arm mean, then?
02:51That was just coincidentally
02:53If I hadn't have been
02:53I was scrolling on my phone
02:55Yeah
02:56If I hadn't have been doing that
02:57I wouldn't have got pins and needles in my arm
02:59And if I hadn't have got pins and needles
03:00I wouldn't have thought
03:01Hang on, am I having a heart problem?
03:03I wouldn't have gone to hospital
03:05Anyway, they put me in this, like, big polo mint
03:08And they found I've got really bad coronary artery problems
03:12So you've got three arteries
03:14Coming out of the heart?
03:15No, that feed your heart with blood
03:17To keep it pumping
03:18One of them, totally blocked
03:20One of them looked like something dangling from the roof of a cave
03:23In the Peak District
03:25And one of them had got so clogged up
03:27It had had to form, like, branches
03:30So my heart wasn't getting any blood
03:31And I said
03:33How close was I to a heart attack?
03:36And he went
03:37Days
03:39Oh, fuck
03:40They put a camera up my arm
03:42And it crossed my chest and into my heart
03:44Could you feel it?
03:45Yeah, you'd feel it
03:46You can see your own heart on a TV screen
03:48Then they put
03:50Because they were going to have to do open heart surgery
03:53They thought, you know
03:53Yeah
03:54Then they went up and they realised they could actually mend it
03:57So they got the diner rod out
03:59Shove that in
04:00Diner rod?
04:00Well, it was
04:01And they had hammers, chisels, cameras
04:05And then they put, like, the stents, which are brillo pads, in
04:09Stretch it out
04:10So I should be as good as new
04:12Oh, good
04:12So what have they said, though?
04:14Can't drive for a week
04:16Okay
04:17And
04:19No manual labour of any sort
04:20I can't stretch myself
04:22For six weeks
04:23Six weeks?
04:24Yeah
04:24So no on the farm, really, then?
04:26Because, I mean, everything on the farm
04:27No, I know
04:27I can't
04:28I can't
04:29Move
04:30I can't do anything
04:34Oh
04:35Um, I see Lisa
04:36Um
04:37Yeah
04:37I'm going to just feed the cat and bed him up
04:39All right
04:39See you in a bit
04:42I wasn't the only one who'd been in the wars
04:45Poor old Sansa
04:47Got pyometra
04:48At the weekend
04:50And had to have an emergency hysterectomy
04:54You're never going to be able to have puppies, are you?
04:57She could, however, eat whatever she liked
05:00Whereas my diet was now in the iron grip of the doctor
05:04And Lisa
05:13There you go
05:15And that's cottage cheese
05:18Oh, you know, shit
05:21That's disgusting
05:28What is that?
05:29Greek yoghurt
05:30It's better for your microbes in your stomach
05:32Oh, fucking
05:32What?
05:33Do you mean wheat yoghurt?
05:34Greek
05:35Why would anybody eat Greek anything?
05:37Because you're meant to for your stomach
05:38It's better for you
05:40You're not eating knob cheese
05:43What is that?
05:46What is it?
05:46Kale
05:48Oh, not easy, sir
05:49I promise you
05:50That is going to be
05:51I'm going to cook it up
05:54Wow, that is
05:54That was really bitter and horrible
05:56We farm beef
05:58We farm lamb
05:59We farm pork
06:01It's what we do for a living here
06:03And I can't eat any of it
06:04You can't
06:04Maybe once a month
06:06Or twice a month
06:06You can have a delicious lamb
06:08Or a steak
06:08Delicious
06:09I can't
06:09You can't
06:10I can't
06:11Dr Lucy said I can't
06:12And she said I can't drink
06:14Because my liver's fucked
06:15Well, your liver will recover
06:18What, by tomorrow?
06:20No, not by tomorrow
06:21Well, then what's the point?
06:23What do you mean, what's the point?
06:24Don't be such a petulant little child
06:26Just get healthier
06:27And then you can
06:28Live life again
06:29In, you know, bits and pieces
06:31You know, you're in fifth gear
06:32The whole time
06:34Fifth?
06:35You've got to go down to two and a half gear
06:37Fifth?
06:38You were in 1984
06:39You were in seventh gear the whole time
06:41Ten
06:41Mustangs have ten speeds
06:43Okay, you were in 12th gear the whole time
06:45Exactly
06:47I'm not eating kale
06:48I'm going to put loads of chilli
06:50And spring onion
06:51It'll be delicious
06:52But vegetables are an accompaniment to meat
06:55We know that
06:55Not for you anymore
06:56No, I know
07:02With the car keys confiscated
07:04My daily activities were limited to
07:07Gentle dog walks in the
07:09Golden glow of autumn
07:13This was a good way of relaxing
07:16Unless I bumped into my sheeps
07:19Who remained as willfully disobedient as ever
07:24I put them in this field
07:25Because I want them to graze all this long grass
07:27And all they're doing
07:28Is eating the grass from the path that I mowed
07:32So I can walk the dogs
07:35Look
07:35Eat the long
07:37I've already mowed this bit
07:39Go and eat over there
07:42No, don't
07:42Go and eat
07:43Go and eat there
07:44Look
07:45Are you actually talking to sheep?
07:47Yeah
07:48This is like
07:49All of the food in the world there
07:51Hardly any food here
07:52Right, we'll go and eat this
07:53And then, of course, they shit on it
07:55So someone gave you a glass of wine
07:57Or they gave you a bunch of grapes
07:59And said, here, make the glass of wine
08:00You just took the glass of wine
08:01That's like giving them a bunch of grapes
08:03They've got to search
08:04Don't talk to me about wine
08:10The problem I had, though
08:12Is that to keep up with the pub's
08:14Incessant demands for more meat
08:16We needed more sheeps
08:20So a week later
08:22I bought another flock
08:24And this pleased Caleb enormously
08:29What the fuck has he done now?
08:41Have you not learnt anything in the last five years?
08:44Yeah
08:46When you get a pub
08:47You need ten sheeps a week
08:49Fat lambs
08:49A week
08:50A week
08:51So I've had to get more
08:52I'm literally surrounded with something I hate the most
08:54So I've stood here
08:55There's sheep here
08:56Yeah
08:56There's sheep over there by the farm shop
08:58If you see them
08:58And sheep by the house
08:59And sheep by the house
09:00I know
09:00And these
09:01This is my genius
09:04These are easy care sheep
09:06That's what they're called
09:07Easy care
09:07Mate, I'm going to break this to you
09:09What?
09:09No sheep is easy to care for
09:11These ones are
09:12Let me just explain the details, if I may
09:15Go for it
09:16They don't need shearing
09:17Their hair falls out by itself
09:19So they don't get maggots
09:21Right
09:21That's number one
09:22They're very, very easy to breed
09:25And they lamb very simply
09:28So you get good lambing
09:31Very low maintenance
09:34Okay, think of it this way
09:36Lamborghini
09:37Very difficult things to drive and own
09:40In the olden days
09:41Audi then come along
09:43Blend Audi and Lamborghini together
09:46In the Aventador
09:47And you had an easy care Lamborghini
09:50Was it easy care there?
09:51Well, more easy than the
09:53Countess
09:55I then introduced Caleb to John and Louise
09:58Who'd sold me the easy care sheeps
10:00Hello
10:01Hi there
10:01How are you?
10:02How are you?
10:03In the hope
10:04They could talk him round
10:06So Caleb doesn't like sheep
10:08No he doesn't
10:09But I've been trying to convince him
10:11That these are sensible sheep
10:12Very sensible
10:14They are
10:14Very sensible sheep indeed
10:15And they lamb really easily
10:18It's basically a wedge-shaped sheep
10:20With a long neck
10:21So what it does
10:23Is it sort of
10:24The lambs just dive out
10:26So what
10:28Because it's pointy
10:29Because it's more pointy
10:30So the lamb is like an arrow
10:32Yes
10:33Something like that
10:34Yeah
10:34Listen, you're in for a good adventure with these sheep
10:36No generally
10:37Yeah
10:37As soon as I saw the words easy care sheep
10:39I thought
10:40Count me in for some
10:41Because I've got a dicky ticker
10:43Yeah
10:43So I need
10:44I didn't mention that
10:45Easy care
10:45I don't mention it much
10:47To be fair
10:47I've been being serious
10:49My mother dropped dead of a heart attack
10:50At 67
10:51Yeah
10:51There you go
10:52You see
10:53Cheery news
10:53I haven't
10:54My ticker's fine
10:55So
10:55No
10:56They said her heart was fine
10:58It was her arteries
10:59Yeah exactly
11:00That's what
11:00And she'd walked around
11:02With a little thing in her chest
11:03For yonks
11:04That's what I've got
11:05And
11:05And she dropped dead at 67
11:07And they said
11:08You're absolutely fine
11:09What until
11:09I dropped dead
11:10No because you've had your stents
11:12I do love
11:12Honestly
11:13People from Yorkshire
11:14I do like
11:15You'll be fine
11:15Yeah
11:16You'll be here forever
11:17Fuck
11:18Well why is the doctor
11:24Besides lamb
11:25The pub also needed more beef
11:27So with that in mind
11:29I went off to scan my cows
11:30To see if Endgame the bull
11:32Had managed to get them pregnant
11:35Morning Endgame
11:36How are you my darling
11:37To be honest
11:39I wasn't sure
11:41Clearly
11:42He enjoyed the company
11:43Of the lady cows
11:45But more as a sort of
11:46Gay best friend
11:49Even when the cows
11:51Were plainly in the mood
11:52He never seemed
11:53To take the hint
11:57He's a character
11:58He is in the Endgame
11:59He's a bit playful
12:00Well playful is one way
12:02Of putting it
12:03Well he is like
12:04Freddie Mercury is another way
12:05George Michael
12:06On that note
12:08On that note
12:08Dilwin lubed up
12:09So we could find out
12:12If Endgame had actually
12:13Been up to anything
12:14How come it's a double crush
12:16That weighs it
12:17And then that's the weight scale
12:19On that one
12:21That's more attention
12:22Than she's had from Endgame
12:27In came the result
12:29Of the first scan
12:30And there he is
12:31Yes
12:33Endgame's not gay
12:35Well done cow
12:36Number one
12:42There's a calf
12:43Oh yes
12:44I can see it
12:45That is so good
12:46That's two out of two
12:47Yes
12:51Wow look at that one
12:52Look at that
12:53You can see his hat beating there
12:54Yeah
12:54Well that's good news
12:56You're up the duff
12:57All in all
12:58Endgame had got five
13:00Of the seven cows pregnant
13:01So Endgame is fertile
13:04Excellent
13:05Benga you are a superstar
13:11With the animals sorted
13:14My convalescence went back
13:15To its humdrum cycle
13:17Of dog walks
13:19Hansa
13:20How are you
13:20And Greek yogurt
13:23Oh
13:24I'm back
13:27There was the odd
13:28Distraction though
13:29Such as the day
13:31When F1 driver
13:32Oscar Piastri
13:33Dropped by
13:35Yeah
13:36There's a lot of gears
13:36There's a lot of gears
13:37Yeah
13:37Yeah
13:38To make content
13:39Through social media
13:40He wanted to try his hand
13:42At reversing a dolly trailer
13:44Into a bar
13:45Yeah
13:46Alright
13:46Come on in
13:48So Caleb
13:49Who naturally
13:50Had never heard of him
13:51What did you do?
13:53I drive car
13:54Gave him a quick lesson
13:57Alright
13:57Don't need to clutch
13:58Don't need to start it up
13:58Yeah
13:59Handbrake
14:00So let's park here
14:01Now if you're in neutral
14:02Like this
14:02It'll roll a little bit
14:03But as soon as you pick a gear
14:04Yeah
14:05Like a verse
14:05It'll stop
14:06We'll open the back window
14:07So it's much easier
14:08So you can see
14:09Yeah
14:10Now
14:10I like to sit like this
14:11Yeah
14:12So you're looking over
14:13Your right shoulder
14:14And then I can use
14:15My left hand to steer
14:16That's why I said
14:17About relaxing
14:17Yeah
14:18You've got to simply
14:18Relax in the cab
14:19And make this whole space short
14:21Okay
14:24So of course
14:24As soon as you start reversing
14:26And you're spinning the tractor
14:27Up this way
14:28Yeah
14:28That dolly's going to start
14:29Turning that way
14:30But the back
14:30Goes up the other way
14:31Does that make sense?
14:33Yes
14:34And then I'm going to spin it the other way
14:39Just gently feather that
14:41Just gently feather that
14:42It's all right
14:43It's very rushed
14:44Do you know what I mean?
14:45Okay
14:46And then into the shed we go
14:49All right?
14:50Okay
14:50Like that
14:51With the Caleb-splaining done
14:53Oscar took over the controls
14:57Okay
14:58In reverse
15:00Handbrake's off
15:01We're off to a good start
15:01Do you know who he is?
15:04No
15:04Who is he?
15:05He's a Formula One racing driver
15:06Oh okay
15:07So he should piss this
15:09Go this way
15:11And I'm going to go this way
15:13Try and get it that way
15:17I feel like this is a restart job already
15:22I mean you can go through
15:23A Rouge flat out
15:24Which is a corner at Spa
15:27And Oscar Piastri goes through A Rouge
15:35Which is incredibly difficult
15:37And brave thing to do
15:40No
15:41That's a real way
15:44But he is from the city
15:45Yeah I'm going to go that way
15:50The shed's over that way
15:52I need to go that way
15:59The city probably doesn't have to position his car on the grid like this
16:02Put a trailer on it
16:06Oscar
16:07We're going to go and get a cup of tea
16:09We'll come back out when you finish
16:10I think you can probably get dinner to be honest
16:13It does go dark soon
16:15No you bastard
16:18I think we've established he can't reverse the trailer
16:22Oscar however hadn't got that memo
16:24Alright let's start from the very beginning
16:27And the bully was no quitter
16:29Okay
16:31I went too early
16:35With the afternoon light fading
16:38How have I ended up that sideways?
16:41I had to immerse myself in some exciting government paperwork
16:46And Caleb had jobs to do
16:50So we left Oscar to it
16:52No
16:54Fuck me
17:00A few days later
17:03With the Easy Care sheep settling in
17:06Dilwin had come over to give them a checkup
17:09Which meant we, well, Caleb
17:13Had to herd them into an inspection pen
17:16Go on then girls
17:18Come on
17:19Do they reckon they need a hand?
17:20I'm not allowed to do manual labour
17:22Are they not?
17:23Six weeks
17:24Because they all ticker
17:25Yeah
17:27No
17:27The doctor said
17:29I've got to do nothing
17:31Just watch him
17:32That's good
17:33Not a cow or a horse
17:35I would have put it down my dog
17:36Would I?
17:38Given the name of the sheep
17:40We were expecting the round-up to be a doddle
17:43Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
17:45Hey, steady, steady, hello
17:47I fucking hate sheep!
17:51Why?
17:52You
17:57They're not Easy Care, are they?
17:59They're not
18:00They're impossible to catch sheep
18:03Clearly, Caleb needed help
18:05And since the sheep drone I'd used in the first series had turned out to be useless
18:11I decided to use my car instead
18:15Where are they?
18:16In the fort
18:17Oh, you're kidding
18:21It's not good we've ever been in here the whole time we've been filming on the farm
18:24This is a Neolithic fort
18:26I can see now
18:28I mean, it's just a bund in a rectangle
18:30Which used to house town
18:33We are now entering the ancient city
18:36Which is home now to my sheep
18:40I don't know, you see, you're surprised, aren't you?
18:43Because I'm going to use technology to round you up
18:46Come on
18:47Out of the fort
18:49Yes
18:51Out you go
18:53That, that, that way
18:54Get on you
18:57Hey, we're getting him, guys
18:58With the inspection pen just yards away
19:01Come on
19:02Success was a certainty
19:04But then, a splinter group jumped over the electric fence
19:10Shit, shit, shit
19:11And the rest sold as a dummy
19:14And broke free as well
19:19Don't go back in, you stupid things
19:24Should we kill him?
19:31Yeah
19:32No, we're not killing them, but
19:34I mean, look
19:36Now they've gone back in the bloody fort
19:41With the sheep very much not in the pen
19:45We were forced to deploy every resource we had
19:49Close that gap a little bit, Ben
19:51The film crew
19:52Everyone squeeze up
19:54Right, with the entire production crew on it
19:56We got it, we got it
20:03Don't be an arse
20:06We tried every formation we could think of
20:09On the far right hand side, please
20:11Hey
20:12Come on
20:13Come on, close that gap again, mate
20:16But it was like trying to outfox Real Madrid
20:19Hey, hey, hey, hey
20:21Oh
20:24Look at them
20:24Back in again
20:28Let's go, Ames
20:29Try again tomorrow
20:32Well, that was a complete waste of an hour
20:36Yeah
20:36And a waste of your bill
20:38Well, we tried
20:39Yeah
20:40Yeah
20:42Right
20:43You may have a point, Caleb, about these sheep
20:46I'm blaming this on you
20:49I vowed there and then
20:51Never to buy any more sheep
20:53Ever again
21:01Which made my visit to the barn the following morning
21:05Rather disturbing
21:09What the fuck are they?
21:11I don't know
21:12They're not sheep
21:13What are they?
21:14They are sheep
21:14Unless they're a game
21:15What are they?
21:16Look, they've got a completely
21:17Like, they've run at very high speed into a wall
21:20And smashed their snout
21:21Look
21:23That's not a sheep
21:24They've got no eyes
21:26But who's, I mean, who's are they?
21:27I don't know
21:28Soon, the mystery was solved
21:31Aren't they gorgeous?
21:33They're my little valois
21:35You bought them
21:36Yeah
21:37You put them in here?
21:38Yeah
21:38Well, they have to settle down for a couple of weeks
21:41Because they've just arrived
21:43No, no, sorry, Lisa
21:45Why have you bought five flat-faced eyeless sheep?
21:49Because, um, I thought we could put them in the copse
21:52And I could breed them
21:55Because they're quite expensive
21:56You breed them?
21:57Yeah, they're quite expensive to buy
21:59How much are they?
22:00They're two
22:01Two hundred quid?
22:02Two hundred quid each
22:03A thousand
22:07Each?
22:08Yeah
22:10Yeah
22:11But, I thought if I could throw these
22:14Okay, listen to me
22:15Whoa, whoa, whoa
22:15There's ten thousand pounds worth of sheep just here
22:19Diddly squat
22:20Hobby farm
22:22It is, literally
22:24Ten thousand pounds, Lisa
22:25I know
22:26Can you imagine what I can sell the babies for if they breed?
22:28And I will breed them
22:29So these have all been blood tested
22:30So I'll get an AI
22:32Where are they from?
22:34From, um, up in Cheshire
22:36Oh, Cheshire, there we go
22:38Every single Manchester United footballer's wife has these as a pet, don't they?
22:43They will be
22:44They will be when I sell it to them
22:45Wilmslow sheep
22:47Well, I'll leave you to
22:48Can you
22:48You're going to have to deal with this
22:50Yeah
22:51We could skin them and put them on the bath
22:53Moon floor
22:55Don't tease them
22:59One of the things the doctor had especially banned me from doing was going to my pub
23:05Partly this was to stop me drinking in it
23:08But mostly it was to stop me stressing about it
23:12I had to ignore her though because the list of problems was becoming huge
23:20Power is one of the biggest problems
23:22To get enough electricity up here to run the pub
23:26We'd need new cables which would cost 200,000 pounds
23:31And obviously that's ridiculous
23:32So we've had to hire this generator
23:35And it costs 100 pounds a day
23:38A day
23:38To fuel it
23:40Mind you, that's nothing compared to the cost of theft
23:44Just last night, somebody stole 200 pounds worth of cooking oil
23:49And that's not the maddest thing that gets nicked from here
23:52Every single day, somebody steals the light bulbs
23:57And the orinal traps
23:59We've had to screw these down to stop them being nicked
24:02Who steals a orinal trap
24:05Glasses
24:05Want to hazard a guess at how many of these are stolen every week?
24:10No, you're quite wrong
24:12It's 400
24:15400 glasses a week
24:17A nicked from here
24:19For some reason we don't have enough water pressure up here
24:22So we've had to install this 6,000 litre tank which fills up overnight
24:27And even this isn't big enough
24:29I mean, we just keep running out
24:32This is the overflow car park
24:34And we've had to put hardcore down because, as you can see here, everyone was getting stuck
24:39We even got a fire engine stuck the other day
24:42Then there's the tent
24:43Every morning the roof is lined with condensation
24:46And if it's windy, it gets shaken loose
24:48So it's raining in here
24:51Then you've got staff problems
24:53Complaining to HR, which is basically me
24:55Charlotte, for example
24:57Charlotte runs the butcher's counter
24:59And you moaned, with some justification
25:02That customers were saying he looked like Caleb
25:04There was a comment that I was Caleb after transition
25:11See, this is what you have to deal with as a landlord
25:16There was, however, a more immediate problem to take care of
25:20Because with November 5th fast approaching
25:25Caleb and I needed to build a bonfire
25:27We're back up
25:28And before getting stuck in
25:31I had to lay out the terms of my employment
25:35Sadly, I can't help you with this
25:37Go home
25:38No, I need to be here to advise you
25:41But don't argue, because I can't have stress
25:44So, first of all, we need to get a triangular shape
25:47Oh, not necessarily
25:48What we do now, look, is just put the pallet
25:51Either side over the top of this
25:53We just literally keep that in the centre
25:55You can't have a cube-shaped bonfire
25:57You can
25:57You can't
25:58You can
25:59You just can't
26:00You can
26:01No, what you need is a pole down the middle
26:03A tree log
26:04Down the middle
26:05And then you stack things up like a wigram
26:07That has to be the shape of your bonfire
26:10Once we'd agreed that I was right
26:13The first job was to find some logs
26:17Have to get over that way a little bit
26:18Well, you pull it that way
26:21Just pull it
26:22Well, you're going to get out and pull over
26:23No, I'm not
26:24Well, you're going to have to
26:25If you're going to get out and pull over
26:26My doctor says I can't pull logs
26:28Well, you can't do anything
26:29You can pull a log
26:30So, I can't
26:30You?
26:31Stand in there
26:32Or just go over that way a little bit
26:33Just don't give me stress
26:35God's sake
26:38I really do like working in these new conditions
26:41When I can just point at things
26:43You're loving this, aren't you?
26:44Yeah
26:45I don't like this new you
26:46Well, you didn't like the old me very much
26:48I did do failure right there
26:53I do love this little sport
26:54It's good, isn't it?
26:55Yeah
26:55It is great
26:57You do look abnormal, though
26:58I'm in a mobility scooter
27:02This is what I would get you
27:04On the farm
27:05The mobility scooter of JCBs
27:09It's a quiet scale of precision
27:11Both of which are now in abundance
27:14Fucking useless
27:15You stupid idiot
27:17What?
27:18It's the worst loading I've ever seen
27:21Don't worry, Caleb
27:22With anything
27:22It'll look like you know what you're doing
27:24I'm just getting it, you asshole
27:30That's a good long
27:31Long, straight, long
27:32That's what you need
27:33Is the spine
27:41That's hard work, Pernadden
27:43Right, now it's time to take shape
27:45Look, our bonfire is good
27:47What are you doing?
27:48I didn't do anything
27:49You just pushed it out
27:50I didn't push it out
27:51I was talking to you
27:53You did that on purpose
27:54I did not do
27:55You did
27:56Give me a reason
27:57Why I'd knock our bonfire down
27:58I don't know, but you're pushing the boom out
28:01For fuck's sake
28:02Stress
28:04Fuck me
28:05It's like talking to a fucking brick wall
28:06It's funny, you can feel it
28:07You can feel it building
28:10Caleb
28:11You know a lot of farmers
28:13Have bonfire nights
28:15Yeah
28:16Is that because they can get rid of certain things on the farm?
28:20Absolutely not
28:20It's to get the family together
28:21Yeah
28:23Eating um
28:24But if you could see the colour of the smoke coming off the bonfire
28:27Which can't
28:27Because it's night, obviously, on bonfire night
28:30No, I do think a lot of farmers do like bonfire night
28:32I love bonfire night
28:33Because
28:33Yeah
28:34You can just get certain things
28:35Your farm's a lot tidier the next day
28:37100%
28:39That's going to the skip
28:40Don't look at that
28:40Of course it is
28:42Keep coming
28:45With the centre pole and the pallets in place
28:48Perfect
28:49The next job was to dress it with the bushes
28:53If I get the sports telehandler
28:55And I'll simply push this onto there
28:57That won't work
28:58You'll make a mess over that side
28:59I promise I won't
29:00It won't work
29:01It will
29:02Just watch and then you'll see
29:12Come on
29:15That went well
29:18Really well
29:20What was a car park
29:21It's now a fucking mud bath
29:27Eager to get the thing finished
29:30We continued working into the darkness
29:34And progress was made
29:37If you knock it all down now
29:38I would literally cry
29:40How brilliant is that?
29:42Yeah
29:44Shall I tell you what's funny?
29:46You know this programme's watched in America
29:48Yeah
29:49They're going to wonder
29:50What the bloody hell we're doing
29:52They don't know what bonfire night is
29:54We ought to
29:55Actually, you explain it to them
29:59Go on
30:00Explain to our American audience
30:02Why we do this every year
30:05Who do we put on top?
30:11Guy Fawkes
30:12Okay, so
30:13Guy Fawkes
30:14Back in the 17th century
30:16Tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament
30:18Blow up the government
30:19He failed
30:21He was caught
30:22And every single year
30:24And every single year
30:24We commemorate his failure
30:26By burning an effigy of him
30:28On a bonfire
30:29And everyone does it
30:30Everyone
30:31There's fireworks
30:32And we celebrate his failure
30:33How did he fail?
30:35They stacked the basement
30:36Of the Houses of Parliament
30:37With gunpowder
30:38And then the guy
30:39He'd appointed to look after it
30:41Fell asleep
30:41And the guards found him
30:43Hey, but you don't have to have
30:45Guy Fawkes
30:45On the top of the bonfire
30:46What do you have?
30:47A tyre
30:48Anything you don't like
30:51Good?
30:52All right
30:52I'm knocking it on there for tonight
30:53Yeah
30:54It's pretty good from here
31:01A couple of days later
31:03Dillwyn was due back
31:05To try once again
31:06To check over my new
31:08Easy Care sheeps
31:11Right
31:12Second attempt to
31:13Get these sheep in the crush
31:15Made doubly difficult
31:17Because Caleb
31:18It being November
31:20Has taken his family
31:21On holiday to Cornwall
31:23So I'm going to try
31:24And use the dogs as well
31:26Right, ready
31:30Dogs, you need leads on
31:32Santa, Arria
31:33Heel, heel
31:34Oi, you need your leads on
31:38Nope
31:40Well
31:42Right
31:44It's me then
31:47Right, these Easy Care sheep
31:49Have positioned themselves
31:51At exactly the wrong end of the field
31:54Except as it turned out
31:56For one of them
31:59Oh God above
32:03It's dead isn't it
32:08There's a big wound in its neck
32:12Fortunately
32:13Dillwyn then arrived
32:14How you doing?
32:16Hello there
32:16Ah
32:17I don't know
32:18The ear's gone
32:19There's no ear
32:21Well who would eat a sheep's ear?
32:23Dogs
32:23Dog worrying is a terrible problem
32:25When I was in Herefordshire
32:27Working in Herefordshire
32:28The police would bring a dog in
32:30And say
32:31We're worried about this dog
32:32Has been worrying sheep
32:33And we'd make that dog vomit
32:36And if it vomited up wool
32:38It would put down there and then
32:40No way
32:41It was
32:42That was in 1990
32:45Right, so
32:46Yes
32:47Also I think the crows have had a go at her
32:49The eyes
32:50I see that the eyes
32:51The crows have taken the eyes
32:52Yeah
32:52And the backside here
32:54What, the crows have eaten their anus?
32:56Yeah
32:56It's just they tend to poke in there
32:58What?
33:00Yeah
33:00They can poke there
33:02And literally pull the lining
33:03The gut out
33:04Through the anus
33:06And then the crows have thought
33:07Here we go
33:08Let's have a feast
33:11How come I don't come back as a crow?
33:13And the other thing I can see
33:14She's also quite swollen
33:16In her right hand there
33:17Quite what?
33:18Quite swollen
33:18Well, isn't that rigor mortis?
33:21No
33:21Well, that's all gangrene
33:23That's set in there
33:24Gangrene?
33:25Yeah
33:25What manner of death is this?
33:28A dog tears your ear off
33:29And then you get gangrene
33:30Yes
33:31OK, look
33:32We could sit and discuss this all day long
33:34But
33:34It's not going to bring her back, is it?
33:36No
33:36If we can find her
33:37Dilwin said that to be sure
33:39He wanted to do a post-mortem back at the yard
33:42Which meant I had to convert my Range Rover
33:45Into a hearse
33:47I won't pick it up myself
33:50No, I'll give you a hand
33:51Do you want to swing it in?
33:52Please don't let the doctor see me doing all this shit
33:55All right
33:55Mind yourself, dog
33:57One
33:59Two
33:59Two
34:01Three
34:02There you go
34:05There you go
34:07Look at that
34:07Dog thinks he's great
34:08Jesus Christ
34:14God, I'm glad I'm not in there
34:17Back at the yard
34:18Dillwin Dexter set to work
34:20I'm jumping
34:21Getting the legs out of the way
34:23I was going to say
34:24I'll sit in the car while you do this
34:25But that's worse in there
34:27Oh, God
34:28What?
34:29Well, it's just rotten, isn't it?
34:32What is?
34:33Little carcasses
34:35That's the stomach, isn't it?
34:36The intestines
34:38That's
34:38That's his fourth stomach
34:40That's his third one
34:42Because they've got four stomachs
34:44We did say we'd show farming warts and all on this show
34:47But this is really stretching it this morning, isn't it?
34:50Oh, Christ
34:51Now the faeces is all coming up
34:53Yeah, I've made a whole
34:54It's shitting into its own stomach
34:55Oh, for Christ's sake
35:00I don't want to come across as metropolitan here
35:03But I still win
35:04I've nicked its power
35:06What are you learning from this?
35:08Yeah, this is well dead
35:09Yeah
35:15Well, I wasn't expecting it to get up and run off
35:19I'd like to apologise
35:21On behalf of the entire Clarkson's Farm team for this scene
35:25I promise
35:27We will try to
35:29Lift the mood
35:33Sadly, however, this wasn't possible
35:35Because over at the pub
35:37There'd been a problem with our bonfire
35:44Right
35:49Shit
35:51There was no time to worry about which vandal was responsible for this, though
35:56Hi, guys
35:57Hello
35:58Because with bonfire night looming
36:00The pub team and I had to get cracking on the rebuild
36:05Flip it forward a bit, crowd it over
36:07There you go
36:08Just pulled down there
36:10But I need to get the straw to go in the middle
36:14Which enables people to set fire so that we're not looking
36:19As we beavered away, Annie revealed the arson attack had been an inside job
36:24Involving one of our own car park attendants
36:28He texts me and confessed
36:31The guy has confessed?
36:32Yeah, he sent me a message
36:34It's just his final parting gift
36:36Had a couple of pints on us and then set fire to us
36:39What, we gave him a couple of pints?
36:40I think he went to the pub
36:41He was drinking in the pub with his friends
36:43And then came down here
36:44Lit something in the woods
36:45Walked through here and stood back and enjoyed it
36:47What did he light in the woods?
36:48I don't know
36:49You can see on the CCTV
36:50He carries something from there
36:52Into here
36:53Chucks it in
36:55And then retreats
36:57Did anyone get any footage of the fire?
37:00Yeah
37:00Have you?
37:01Yeah
37:02Really, can I see it?
37:04Oh wow, is that it?
37:05Yes
37:07So it's actually a very good fire
37:10Albeit 72 hours early
37:11Yes
37:12Well I hope he was pleased with himself
37:17We're on the edge
37:19What I hear
37:22It's walking past your butcher's shop
37:24And you can't eat meat
37:25I mean, that is
37:26You've got a pub and a butcher's
37:28And you can't have anything from
37:29No
37:30I can't get high on my own supply
37:38As dusk fell
37:39We'd broken the back of the rebuild
37:43Do you know that's better
37:45Than the first one
37:46Yeah
37:47I didn't see the first one
37:48Until it was burning though
37:53I think we can be proud of that
37:55It's good
37:57Good, good
37:58What are you having for dinner tonight?
38:01Erm, I haven't thought
38:03I've noticed there's a steak in your pocket
38:07And
38:10Alright, I've been shoplifting
38:11I admit
38:14Well, well spotted
38:15This is a good training course for you all
38:18Right, I'll see you all tomorrow then everyone
38:19And thanks ever so much for this
38:21It's brilliant
38:23Cheers
38:24Onwards
38:25Thanks guys
38:28As the big day dawned
38:30Charlie came back from his holiday
38:32And immediately headed over for an urgent chat
38:36Not surprising given the cataclysmic event that had hit farming
38:41While he'd been away
38:45The Chancellor unveils one of the biggest ever tax raising budgets in history
38:50From 2026, farmers whose agricultural assets are worth more than £1 million
38:55Will have to pay 20% inheritance tax
38:59Of course, up until now, farms have been exempt
39:02This will ensure that we continue to protect small family farms
39:07With three quarters of claims unaffected by these changes
39:16Now, she's claiming only 70, well, 73% of farms won't be affected by the changes
39:21Which is nonsense
39:22I mean, it's just not true
39:25Yep
39:25She's claiming it's, you know, it's only a tiny
39:27It isn't
39:28Anyone whose land and assets are worth more than a million is hit
39:32So, well, if you've got 100 acres in Huddersfield
39:36If you've got a tractor and a combine harvester
39:38You're being clobbered
39:40Yeah
39:40So, page three of the Sunday Times
39:41Other papers are available
39:43Some chap called Stephen wrote about
39:46A herd of cows that have been there for five generations
39:49They're a dairy herd in Leicestershire
39:52Farmed by the Eccleston family
39:53They've got 600 cows
39:55Their 600 cows alone take them over the threshold
40:00Yeah, just the cows?
40:01Just the cows
40:01That's not the dairy parlour
40:03That's not a tractor
40:04That's not any of the implements
40:06Everything
40:07Just the cows gets them over Rachel Reeves
40:10And she's sitting there with a straight face
40:13Saying only 27% of farms are affected
40:16It's not true
40:18No, but I mean, if you have a rich person
40:21Who's made a lot of money in investment banking
40:22And buys land
40:24So that they don't have to pay inheritance tax
40:26I can understand
40:27I don't agree with it
40:28But I can understand why people would say that was unfair
40:31I get that
40:32And I can see why Rachel Reeves would come after people like that
40:35You know, the rich people who bought land in the countryside
40:38I.e. me
40:38Yep
40:39But what she's just got a blunderbuss
40:41And fired at, you know, the investment bankers
40:44Or James Dyson
40:45Who's got countless
40:46You know, the Hoover man with a billion acres
40:48She's aimed for him
40:50But she's hit all the farmers
40:52Well, I haven't finished my bad news
40:56That's the headline of the budget
40:57You read down into the budget
40:59You're going to have a carbon tax on your fertiliser
41:032027
41:03She's going to tax fertiliser
41:06We're going to be paying between 50 and 75 pounds per ton
41:11On fertiliser
41:12But, you know, the strange thing is
41:14When you import wheat from somewhere else
41:17It doesn't have all this on it
41:19You know, it'll be
41:20UK farmers will have these taxes
41:23So people will
41:25Bakers will just say
41:26We can't afford to buy British wheat
41:28Canadian red wheat
41:28We'll buy Canadian wheat
41:29When none of this applies
41:30None of this
41:30Yeah
41:32And then
41:33DEFRA released a statement
41:35On the same afternoon
41:36Saying that the 2025 basic payment
41:39Would be cut by 76%
41:42You're going to get 24%
41:44So next year
41:45Hold on
41:45The basic payments
41:47Were supposed to be phased out over
41:49Three years
41:49She saved half a billion next year
41:52From farming
41:53Alone
41:54In cash flow
41:56Pick-up trucks
41:57They've reclassified pick-up trucks as cars
41:59So farmers using the L200s and Ford Rangers
42:03That's now a car
42:04So you've got to pay proper tax on those
42:06And that hasn't been mentioned
42:08I'm going to be a non-dom
42:10If only I knew someone I could marry who was Irish
42:15Yeah, you can't even eat your
42:17That could cost you a lot more
42:28Meeting over, we headed to the pub
42:30To get ready for the bonfire party
42:34And job one was deciding whose effigy should be burned
42:41There we are
42:43I'm Lord Ali
42:44You have free spectacles
42:46Free suit, free tie
42:49And the opportunity to go for a little ride
42:52In a telehandler
42:53Look at that, Keir
43:01Come on, Keir
43:02It's going to lift you up by your own testes
43:16Once darkness fell
43:18The pub garden started to fill with the locals
43:23Ladies and gentlemen
43:25Welcome to the first ever bonfire night party
43:29At the farmer's dog
43:30We've got pulled pork burgers
43:32With homemade apple sauce
43:33We've got toffee apples
43:34And for the children
43:35We have sausage sandwiches
43:37And everything, as is always the case
43:40At the farmer's dog
43:41Was grown or reared
43:43In Britain
43:45By British farmers
43:47Before Rachel Reeves
43:49Sit up for everybody
43:51Right, here we go
43:52Before the traditional celebrations began though
43:55I'd laid on an extra treat
43:57In the shape of a drone show
44:00Okay, ladies and gentlemen
44:02Hope you enjoy
44:09What's happening?
44:10Oh, Peppa
44:13Peppa the cow
44:15Oh, that's so clever
44:18What's this going to be?
44:19What's it going to be?
44:21Oh, look, it's the sheep
44:23Sheeps
44:23Oh, wow, look at that
44:27Wow
44:30Now
44:34Pig
44:34Is it a pig?
44:36Yeah
44:41I think there might be a crash on the A40
44:44When they look up at that
44:47Combine, combine
44:48It's combine
44:49Gerald's combine
44:50Wow
44:52That's gorgeous
44:54The pump in the glass, isn't it?
44:56That's
44:57I was filling up
44:58Oh
45:00Oh, what's it becoming?
45:05Oh, Gerald's
45:06Oh, Gerald's
45:09Good girl
45:10Wow
45:11That's your Christmas part sorted
45:16Then the part I'd been looking forward to even more
45:19Look at this
45:22We have smoke
45:23We have fire
45:25Look at it go
45:28Look, he's smoking
45:29That guy is getting a warm posterior
45:32His suit has caught alight
45:37His hair is burning
45:40His crotch is on fire
45:46That is one burning man
45:58Given the strength of feelings round here post-budget
46:02It felt good
46:03It felt good to make fun of the government
46:13But all of us knew that to try and stop this astonishing attack on British farming
46:18Fun wouldn't cut it
46:24And that soon
46:26We'd have to get serious
46:36Why do we farm?
46:38Why do we accept low prices?
46:40Does the government even know where food comes from?
46:43No!
46:44When was the last time you played at a venue smaller than this?
46:50Oh
46:51Oh, that's our game!
46:52Oh, that's our game!
46:55We need a Christmas grotto
46:57Oh, no!
46:59Get away!
47:30Choose your privacy now!
47:32A Christmas grotto
47:48A Christmas grotto
47:51A Christmas grotto
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