- 7 minutes ago
Clarksons Farm S05E02 Storming- Byse
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:29Satsang with Mooji
00:39It's easy to be distracted by stuff you see on the farm.
00:45Barnels especially.
00:50But the fact is, I had two big jobs on my to-do list.
00:56Number one, work out how we'd celebrate Christmas at the pub.
01:03And number two...
01:07Decide what to do about the London rally that was being planned by farmers
01:11to protest about the budget.
01:19It's March.
01:21Next week, Tuesday.
01:22The question is, do we go?
01:27Because if it turns ugly, you know, people start flinging, you know,
01:32some people turn up to muck spreaders and things
01:34and start covering public buildings in slurry like the French do.
01:38Do you want to be associated with that?
01:40And if you don't go, does it look like you're not backing the farmers?
01:45Oh, God.
01:47I don't want to be in a riot.
01:49I don't want to be in a riot.
01:50And quite a few people are saying that I should make a speech.
01:56I mean, I'm going to have to go.
01:58I don't like big crowds and I'm literally going to be in the middle of a big crowd.
02:02I'm going to be the worst person there.
02:03I don't mind a crowd.
02:04And, you know, it's nice to go down to London.
02:06I'll be able to talk about Al Pacino and people will know what I'm on about.
02:10So, are you going?
02:12I think I'm going to go and I'm going to lay on a coach.
02:18So that if, well, for two reasons.
02:21One, it's a nice thing to do and the other thing, this is for farmers to go to London.
02:25And the other is, if there's a coach going, it will stop a farmer taking a tractor and a muck
02:31spreader.
02:31All right, I'll be on the bus then, yeah?
02:34And I'm going to make a decision on speaking, kind of, when I'm there.
02:38Because, you know, if you're standing in the middle of flares going off and a slurry being flung around the
02:43place...
02:44You don't want to be doing a speech then, do you?
02:45It's haste to retreat.
02:46I'll be off then.
02:47Well, you won't because you don't know your way around London.
02:49No, I'll stick with you.
02:50Stick with me.
02:51Yeah.
02:54Discussion over, Caleb and I went to see the unround-uppable Easy Care sheep.
02:59How are you?
03:00Because their new Easy Care boyfriends were being delivered.
03:05They're mice. Why have I got two mice?
03:08Wooly mice.
03:09Yeah.
03:10Also, quite small testes.
03:13It's only because it's cold.
03:15Oh, is it?
03:18Once Caleb had slathered their chests in marker paints,
03:22so we'd know which sheep they'd serviced,
03:24the rams trotted off to meet the ladies.
03:31That one is tiny.
03:33But again, you know, Easy Care,
03:35they're more feminine, they don't look like your average really big rams.
03:40I then told Louise that one of the ewes had died
03:43and she had a rather surprising theory about why.
03:48You know what?
03:49Well, I think I'd maybe left the sister or something at home
03:53and it's just gone into a complete spiral of despair
03:56that its sister wasn't with it.
03:58Really?
04:00Pointing?
04:01Yeah.
04:02Actually, you don't have a broken heart then?
04:04Yes, yes.
04:05Who knew?
04:07Oh, look, they're off.
04:09They're off.
04:10But the women are running away.
04:12Well, they always do, to be fair, at first.
04:19Leaving the rams to the romancing,
04:22I headed over to the pub
04:24because, apparently,
04:26there'd been a disturbance in the force.
04:31Annie tells me somebody has had an accident in here.
04:55No way.
04:58I was so astonished I had to get a second opinion.
05:04For fuck's sake.
05:09And even a third...
05:11That's vile.
05:13That's actually vile.
05:15I can't be one person.
05:17That's got to be, like, five people.
05:20This...
05:21event...
05:22could not have happened on a worse day.
05:26Because some very special guests were inbound.
05:31I'd always been keen for the pub to host live music evenings
05:35and Lisa, having trawled through her Irish address book,
05:39had managed to book the cause.
05:45And a couple of hours later,
05:47with the car park hosting a full-on hazmat clean-up operation,
05:52they arrived.
05:55Hello.
05:55Jeremy, I'm Sean. How are you?
05:57Hi there, very well. How are you?
05:58So, here we are.
05:59We're very happy, yes.
06:01When was the last time you played at a venue smaller than this?
06:06Oh.
06:07Oh!
06:09Once inside, they began the soundcheck.
06:12So, go on, go on.
06:15Come on, you're leaving me breathless.
06:20And as I was taking in this surreal moment,
06:24this cheerfulness arrived.
06:26Amazing, isn't it?
06:27It is.
06:28But I have been thinking.
06:30Health and safe notes, Alvin.
06:32What?
06:32It's going to be quite difficult to go to the loon
06:34while they're singing.
06:38Why?
06:41Because they're right there.
06:44Oh.
06:45I'll cancel it.
06:47I know.
06:48And, you know power's not perfect here.
06:51No.
06:51So, there's some worry that, you know,
06:53we're going to have to turn stuff off in there
06:56when they start singing.
06:58The problem is, well, the problem is,
07:02we've got people booked in, you know,
07:05right away, 8.45 onwards.
07:09So, we're still going to be serving food.
07:11So, what you're saying is we can't serve food
07:13and have a gig on at the same time.
07:16Do you want Andrea Corr to be giving you a bollocking?
07:19Or a sausage roll.
07:21Yay!
07:22Let's have the cause.
07:31This seems very exciting.
07:32Once the sound check was over...
07:34Those acoustics aren't bad, are they?
07:36They're really good.
07:37They're really good.
07:38I showed the cause to their dressing room.
07:40It's actually my office, which I've given over to you.
07:43That's very nice.
07:45Oh!
07:46Yeah, mind the steps.
07:48This is...
07:48Oh!
07:49Wow.
07:50Yeah, it smells a bit.
07:51Who did the decor?
07:53Oh, the Smarties are particularly...
07:55No, no, no.
07:56Not Smarties.
07:57What are they?
07:58M&M's?
07:59Yeah, but what have we done?
08:01Just to show...
08:02You've taken out the brown ones!
08:03There.
08:04We took out the brown ones.
08:04That was the Prince.
08:05I thought it was Van Halen.
08:08Yeah, it could have been.
08:09I thought it was Prince.
08:10Anyway, this is your name.
08:13There's my office chair.
08:14You're more than welcome.
08:15Wow.
08:16So I'm sorry it's not bigger,
08:18and I'm sorry that there's a beam in it,
08:19but just, well, you're on at, what, eight?
08:22And it's now five.
08:25Anyway, I'll leave you to it.
08:26I'm just going to go out and close the door.
08:27Do you think we could get a heater?
08:28You don't lock us in there.
08:29Fan heater?
08:29Yeah, like a heater.
08:30Are you sure?
08:31The problem is we haven't got enough electricity.
08:34Oh.
08:35We're genuinely worried.
08:36It's either cooking tonight or singing.
08:39Okay.
08:39And you won't be disturbed in here.
08:41That's the important thing.
08:42Okay.
08:42See you later, guys.
08:44Thanks, Jeremy.
08:45Bless it up.
08:51Two hours and 55 minutes later,
08:54the cause were, understandably, quite keen to get on stage.
08:59Oh, God.
09:03I do love you touring with James May.
09:05I think that's great.
09:06It's nice to see you.
09:07He's a painful employee.
09:10Ladies and gentlemen.
09:14Thank you very much.
09:15Next week, they will be performing at the O2.
09:20But tonight, they will be performing in The Farmer's Dog,
09:24the first band to do so.
09:26Ladies and gentlemen, the cause!
09:49The cause then delighted the room with some of their biggest hits.
09:53So, go on.
09:56Go on.
09:57Go on.
09:58Come on.
09:58Believe me.
09:59Breathless.
10:01Take me.
10:01Teach me.
10:03Until I can't deny this, I would run away with you.
10:21Do you remember the cause?
10:26No.
10:27No, there they are.
10:36By the end, Charlie had stopped worrying about electricity
10:40and laboratories and had even taken to the dance floor.
11:01Thank you very much.
11:04Thank you very much.
11:06Thank you very much.
11:09Afterwards, their biggest fan of many years standing
11:12couldn't wait to congratulate them.
11:15Lovely to meet you.
11:16That was amazing.
11:18That vibe, honestly, it was, for me, tonight is the full pinch pinch.
11:23When you go, we had this idea of what the pub would be like,
11:27and then you look at this and go, we've done it.
11:30We've actually done it.
11:40A couple of days later, it was time for another big event.
11:45Only this one was much more serious.
11:49Look at this.
11:52Because today was the day of the farmers rally in London.
12:09Morning, all.
12:11Hello.
12:12Hello.
12:13James.
12:14James.
12:15Charlie.
12:19The diddly squat convoy thundered down the M40.
12:26And once it reached London, I sought advice on the conundrum running round my head.
12:34Right, to speak or not to speak, do you have a vote?
12:39What, just generally speak or not to speak?
12:41Well, the doctor told me not to speak. Amazon's told me not to speak.
12:53There it is, Caleb, look.
12:55What's that?
12:55That's the Royal Albert Hall.
12:57Is that a museum?
12:58No.
12:59Is that it?
13:02At the end of this street is Parliament Square, where the House of Parliament are.
13:07Right, let's get kitted up.
13:11Morning, morning.
13:13Are you all completely lost now, I'm guessing, aren't you?
13:16Yes, yeah.
13:16Sorry, I lived here 30 years. Follow me, I know where we're going.
13:21None of us fancied being part of a riot-hungry mob,
13:25but when we reached Whitehall, the location of the rally,
13:29veteran broadcaster Andrew Marr sort of put that worry to bed.
13:34It's early in the day.
13:36It's only 11 o'clock or so, and it's wet.
13:38There's been lots of comments about
13:39this was going to be overtaken by the far right.
13:41It was going to be extremist.
13:43And I've come down to look, and this is mainstream, patient,
13:46weather-beaten, decent Britain on the streets.
13:50It's really impressive.
13:53Isle of Wight, Hertfordshire, Devon.
13:59We're quite a small farm, only about just over 200 acres,
14:03but it's going to hit us hard.
14:04We're arable.
14:05We'll never ever be able to afford what they want us to pay,
14:08and we will have to sell up.
14:11How can you ask people to give up a lifestyle
14:14and punish them for producing food
14:17and looking after the countryside?
14:20Meanwhile, Charlie had been asked by a reporter
14:23for a quick comment,
14:25and she was indeed getting his version of quick.
14:29And out of those 1,500, there will be a minority
14:32that are not impacted by the combination
14:34of business and agricultural property.
14:36You know, it has a massive impact.
14:38But, yes, financially, but also on confidence
14:41to invest in future production.
14:44And you've just, you know, that confidence has just been pulled away.
14:51Dairy cows worth 2,000, that's 1.2 million.
14:53So they'll have a tax liability on the actual asset
14:57that they're producing milk from.
14:58We're two minutes open to line now,
15:00so if that's OK to wrap, that'd be great.
15:02Thank you so much.
15:05By noon, with Whitehall absolutely packed
15:08by thousands of farmers and their families,
15:11the speakers took to the stage.
15:13This week in the Lords, I spoke against this proposal
15:17from the Labour benches,
15:18and from every bench in that house,
15:21Conservative, Liberal Democrat, cross benches
15:24and even the bishops.
15:25The speakers condemned this policy.
15:29You have the backing of the nation
15:34for what you are doing here today.
15:37Very good.
15:40I'm Olly Harrison.
15:42I'm just an arable farmer from near Liverpool.
15:45My family has farmed in Tarbuck for 175 years,
15:50with me being the fifth generation
15:53and James dreaming of being the sixth.
16:01Why do we farm?
16:04Why do we accept low prices?
16:08Why do we put up with low wages and long hours?
16:12I'll tell you why.
16:15We farm for our children.
16:18We farm to feed the nation.
16:22We farm because it's in our blood.
16:26And we farm because we love it.
16:30No one does it for the money.
16:33There is none.
16:36Do they know what it's like to get up at 4am to feed cows?
16:40No!
16:42Do they know what it's like to give CPR to a weak lamb?
16:46No!
16:49Do they know what it's like to unblock a combine at 2am
16:52with bleeding hands and knuckles because of the thistle in it?
16:55No!
16:56No!
16:57Do the government even know where food comes from?
17:00No!
17:03Today we come together to show the government we will be heard.
17:07Downing Street, if you can hear us, you need to fix this.
17:20I couldn't possibly match the emotional power of Ollie's words.
17:26But I did think there was one point I could make.
17:29Hello everybody!
17:32Now I know a lot of people all across the country and all walks of life
17:36took a bit of a kick on the shin with that budget.
17:40You lot got a knee in the nuts!
17:44I know you've heard a lot about it today and I'm not going to dwell on that.
17:49I will just say this.
17:51Rachel Reeves has told us, what is it, 72% of farms are going to be unaffected by this.
17:59Let's see if we can educate her here.
18:02How many people here, if you'd raise your hands, are from a family farm?
18:06I want to see, right.
18:08That's a lot of hands.
18:10Now, I want you to lower them, if, if, you think, and you've had time to work this out,
18:16you think you're going to be unaffected by the changes to APR and BPR.
18:20Put your hands down if you're going to be unaffected.
18:25My case rests.
18:30Thank you everybody!
18:31APPLAUSE
18:41In the end, I was glad I'd gone to the rally and spoken.
18:46But not everyone shared that view.
18:50Doctor went berserk with me last night.
18:54What for? What, just...
18:56She went...
18:58You know, we told you to have six weeks rest.
19:01She said, I meant sitting by the fire drinking minestrone soup.
19:06Reading a book.
19:10I haven't been doing that.
19:14What can I do, Kate?
19:15Caleb and Lisa obviously agreed with the doctor.
19:18Because when I tried to help them with the cow weighing,
19:22I was immediately fired.
19:25No, no, no, don't. Stop it.
19:27Just don't.
19:29OK.
19:29You're going to hurt your back, and then you're going to...
19:32I love this.
19:34This is great.
19:35I know you don't want me helping, but who would do this without me?
19:38Well, I think Caleb and I could manage it.
19:41Go on.
19:43592.
19:44Having been shooed away, I did some irritating government paperwork.
19:50But this quickly became boring.
19:53So I went down to the woods to cut down a Christmas tree for the pub.
19:59Where are they?
20:01Yes, there's a tree.
20:03It's a beauty.
20:05I must be careful not to cut myself, because I'm on blood thinners.
20:12As it turned out, this wasn't the medical issue that mattered.
20:23Oh, my goodness.
20:29Let me see what's happening.
20:31Oh, dear.
20:32Oh, dear.
20:40She's not done there.
20:43Oh, dear.
20:45Oh, dear.
20:46Oh, dear.
20:54I'm not doing that again.
20:57After this, I decided I needed a proper rest.
21:05But that night, Mother Nature decided otherwise.
21:10Storm Dara has left thousands of people without power
21:13across the UK and Republic of Ireland.
21:15A rare red warning for strong winds has been issued,
21:18meaning there's a danger to life.
21:31The sound is terrible.
21:45My big worry is the tree.
21:53Ah, jeez.
22:10In the morning, I met with Annie for a damage report.
22:17It swung twice.
22:19It went really high, 90 degrees, cracked and straight down.
22:23Missed the bonnet of a car by centimetres.
22:26Bang.
22:27That's a weighty item, isn't it?
22:28It's caught me a bit.
22:29It's too heavy.
22:30Oh, God, yeah.
22:31I know.
22:33Shit, look at it.
22:34Yeah, it is ripped.
22:37Morning.
22:38Morning.
22:42So there's a beam come down there, look.
22:44And because we've lost the structure of the outside,
22:47these could now come down.
22:48Shit.
22:51Outside, there was more carnage in the car park.
22:56All of the festoon lighting's been ripped.
22:59And some of the trees had indeed taken a battering.
23:03The one that's most precarious is, um...
23:05Oh, yeah, shit.
23:06That's not good.
23:10Yeah.
23:15Back at the farm, Lisa was surveying what, ten hours ago,
23:19had been the house where her faceless sheep lived.
23:24Oh, my God.
23:30Jesus Christ.
23:32I know.
23:32Yeah.
23:33Luckily, the sheep weren't in it when it tumbled.
23:36So we built a little pen for them out of store,
23:39but I've got to get them to the barn, the cow barn.
23:42No, we can put them in the newborn.
23:44No, the cow barn's better.
23:45No, put them in the newborn.
23:45We can't put them in the newborn.
23:47Why can't we put them in the newborn?
23:48Because I've got some snails in there that I'm breeding.
23:52I'm going to shoot them out.
23:52Snails?
23:53Yeah.
23:55Every time we have a barn that's empty for five minutes,
23:58you fill it out.
23:58It was totally empty for about a month.
24:01Look.
24:02Oh, my f... What the hell?
24:04Nice, right?
24:05What's this?
24:06Ta-da!
24:07Behold.
24:09So, I've got 1,000 snails.
24:11They're going to breed.
24:12Well, why have you got them?
24:13OK, so when the mucin starts coming down...
24:17The mucin, you know, the slime that comes out.
24:19It's called mucin.
24:20And it's anti-inflammatory.
24:21It's anti-aging.
24:22So, so, just...
24:23We're going to have to start from the beginning.
24:25I'm utterly lost.
24:26OK.
24:28Snail slime...
24:28Yes, is a thing.
24:29...is what you're farming.
24:30Yes.
24:31A lot of beef on it.
24:33Yes.
24:33And the slime...
24:34And then what do you do with it?
24:35Well, I put it on my face and it's amazing on the hands.
24:38It's really good.
24:39And it's not...
24:40Hyperallergenic.
24:41You can't get an allergy from it because it's totally pure.
24:43Vegans can have it because no animals have been killed.
24:46And it's anti-inflammatory as well.
24:48So, if you've kind of got joint stiffness, it's incredible.
24:50It's so good.
24:51So, hang on.
24:52They go along and they lose slime.
24:53We know this.
24:54Yes.
24:55And then, let me just see if I've got this clear.
24:58Yeah.
24:58You take it to the farm shop and you sell snail slime.
25:03No, I make...
25:03No, I make it into cream by using the slime.
25:07So, how many have you bought?
25:08There's about...
25:08Only 1,000.
25:10There's 1,000?
25:10So, we'll have 80,000 once they meet.
25:13What?
25:13Good, right?
25:14Prolific.
25:19And the snails weren't the only livestock that Lisa had on the go.
25:27Back in the summer, she'd taken delivery of a flock of geese.
25:32Right, girls.
25:33And boys.
25:34Geeses.
25:35Which had thrilled the diddly-squat goose expert, Gerald.
25:40It's going on, the big wooden end with the thing on the top of that, yeah?
25:43Oh, yeah.
25:45Over the following months, she'd worked tirelessly...
25:50...in all weathers...
25:52Oh, fuck, fuck.
25:55...and round the clock...
25:56See you in the morning.
25:58...to rear and fatten them.
26:01Morning, morning.
26:03Morning, morning, morning.
26:13One, two, three, four, five.
26:16And now, on a cold December evening, all that hard work was set to pay off, as she prepared to
26:22put on the first in a series of festive geese nights.
26:27So these, this is what...
26:28You should be proud, actually.
26:29I am, they look beautiful.
26:30I thought it might be weird looking at them.
26:32But they do look perfect.
26:34And look, they've been well-stuffed and there's no little hairs and stuff. They look great.
26:39Wow.
26:43I hope tonight works well, actually.
26:46I'm not going to... I'm going to leave it to Lisa. It's Lisa's geese's night.
26:50And anyway, I had some festive plans of my own.
26:54So I asked Charlie to join me in my office for a briefing.
26:58We need a grotto.
27:00What?
27:01Well, we need a Christmas grotto.
27:05I've had a brainwave, don't worry.
27:06You mean with, as in...
27:08You know...
27:09Elves and Santa and...
27:10Yes, exactly.
27:12Because we don't need the goose hut at the moment, because the geese's aren't in it, because they're all...
27:18So we'll bring the goose hut over here.
27:21OK.
27:22Then we'll use that as the grotto.
27:25So we'll put Father Christmas in it.
27:27Children come.
27:28Father Christmas gives them a little present.
27:30You know, some little toy.
27:33And we'll have a nativity scene outside.
27:36Where are we going to find the Santa?
27:38It's December.
27:43We need to check them.
27:45Background checks.
27:46They need...
27:47DBS check.
27:48Just to make sure there's their...
27:49What? Sorry?
27:50DBS.
27:50Just to make sure they're safe.
27:52What?
27:52I don't know what DBS means.
27:54DBS.
27:54Have they got a criminal record?
27:56Oh.
27:56You know, if they have got a criminal record, what's it for?
27:59Well, every single year, Santa breaks into about a billion houses around the world.
28:04I should imagine he has got a criminal record.
28:05Well, so we need to check that.
28:08How...
28:09You know, I mean, what happens if he doesn't turn up?
28:10Well, you could say that if you were running a...
28:13British Airways could say, well, there's no point buying all these planes.
28:16What if the pilot doesn't turn up?
28:17How long do they get with Santa?
28:20I don't know, five minutes.
28:22So it's 12 an hour?
28:23Mm.
28:24OK.
28:25And...
28:25Six hours a day.
28:2612 sixes.
28:2772 sets of presents.
28:30And make sure there's somebody in there with the child as well.
28:34Who has to?
28:36Either parent or an elf.
28:37Or an elf.
28:38So I'm going to put an advert in the local paper saying wanted men or women to dress up as
28:44an elf for minimum wage.
28:46No, national living wage.
28:48So you're saying that we've got to get a Santa, we've got to make sure he's not a...
28:53an elf.
28:54And all it means is bringing the goose hat over, hosing some of the faeces out.
28:59Well, actually all of them.
29:00All of them.
29:01All of the faeces out.
29:02All of the faeces.
29:02Disinfected.
29:06While Charlie was fully supporting my plans upstairs, Lisa was in the kitchen getting some rather unwelcome news.
29:15We're just salting them, just to bring a bit of moisture out and make that skin nice and crispy when
29:19they get roasted.
29:20And when will you bring the rest in?
29:22The rest, they're all here.
29:24But no, we're not, we're just...
29:26I think, aren't we going to have them throughout the weeks up until Christmas for lunch and dinners?
29:31Do you have more geese?
29:33Or what...
29:34No, I think this is for tonight for the big banquet, right?
29:37This is all of them.
29:38I have 30.
29:40This is...
29:41This is all the geese?
29:42The whole lot's going tonight.
29:44Yes.
29:45But I thought we could have them for lunch and dinner up until Christmas.
29:50No.
29:51The geese that you sent will cover us for tonight.
29:53No more.
29:56Reindeer.
29:57Are there any reindeer near here?
29:59Are there any reindeer near here?
30:02So we get a normal deer.
30:04Which will freak when a kid goes near it.
30:06How high does the fences have to be for deers?
30:09Like six feet?
30:10Eight feet?
30:10Okay, so we put six foot...
30:11It looked like a prisoner of war camp.
30:13I know.
30:14I went to Stella Glove 3 the other day.
30:16It's interesting.
30:17Which is impressive, but I'm not sure it's the right theme.
30:21Plastic animals.
30:23That would look great.
30:25I mean, it wouldn't, but it would be great.
30:28That's the first good idea you've had.
30:32Later that night, Lisa decided that all her geese guests should be made to share her pain.
30:39Yes, and I thought all these geese would last from now until...
30:43Christmas Day.
30:45No, no, no.
30:45You've eaten them all tonight, apparently.
30:51As for me...
30:54Charlie had eventually signed off on my grotto plan, but I couldn't start on it just yet.
31:02That's it.
31:03Because with winter now upon us...
31:06Hello, cows and endgame.
31:08The time had come to move our four-legged residence.
31:12Sorry, cows.
31:14Into the warmth of their barn.
31:17What are you doing that for?
31:19You're not boxing.
31:20You might come at me.
31:22Good endgame.
31:23Yes.
31:24My friend, aren't you?
31:28That's good.
31:32And that, my dear, is how you move sheeps.
31:38Once the animals were sorted, I could get cracking with my grotto.
31:46And having advertised in nearby villages for a Santa, a local chap had applied for the job.
31:55I can learn again when I can, but, you know, I've got four dogs.
31:58And you're not a paedophile.
32:00Not a paedophile, no.
32:02Right.
32:04With the cheques done and Santa hired, the next job was to move the goose hut up to the pub.
32:13And once that was done, I could start turning it into a grotto.
32:19Erm, here's my plan.
32:23We're going to have the aminals and the nativity scene in there, with straw on the floor.
32:28And then in here will be Father Christmas's grotto, so we'll have to carpet this.
32:34And this will be Snuggie.
32:38And lo, the geese shall go, and there shall be rugs.
32:44Right.
32:47Presents.
32:50Now, technically, these aren't reindeer, but...
32:55Yeah.
32:59And there shall be light.
33:03Elf of the week.
33:06His writing desk.
33:13Santa's weed.
33:15Once I'd furnished Santa's grotto and laid out the nativity scene...
33:20This is amazing. Look at this.
33:22I thought it wise to refresh my memory about the birth of the baby Jesus.
33:29So I've got myself, from the local church, a Bible.
33:35And in Matthew, it says that Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph.
33:42I thought they were married. Okay, they were engaged.
33:45But before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.
33:49Now, he presents that as a fact. No checking, no back-up.
33:53She's pregnant with the Holy Spirit.
33:56And because Joseph, her husband, was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace,
34:02he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
34:04What?
34:08I'd never read that before.
34:09But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said,
34:14Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife,
34:18because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.
34:23Then the Virgin, well, she isn't, will be with child and will give birth to a son,
34:29and they will call him Emmanuel.
34:32What?
34:35Emmanuel? Why...
34:38Why would they name the child after a 70s porn film?
34:42Honestly, Matthew, he writes like I do.
34:46It's just all made up as he's going along.
34:48Besides Matthew's baffling version of events, there was a more immediate issue,
34:53as I explained to the Reverend Cooper upon his arrival.
34:59What worries me, Caleb?
35:01Yeah.
35:02This was what we rented as the infant baby Jesus.
35:08Look at the hair.
35:09That's quite a lot of hair.
35:11That's taken some growth in that...
35:13I mean, that is basically, this is the son of Barry Gibb.
35:17Who's Barry Gibb?
35:19For me, the offspring of a beegee simply didn't work as the baby Jesus.
35:24So, I'd bought an alternative.
35:27It looks awful.
35:28Well, it looks better than this.
35:30Will you get some swaddling clothes on that?
35:33It's got a hat on it.
35:35It's a cabbage patch Jesus.
35:38Is it a cabbage patch? I think it is.
35:40It's not a cabbage patch.
35:41Isn't it?
35:42Basically calling it a vegetable, saying that.
35:43It wasn't born with a hat, back in whatever BC it was or something.
35:48Whatever BC it was?
35:49I don't know. When was it?
35:51Nought. That's the point.
35:53Well, it's not BC.
35:55Oh, God. It's true, Caleb.
35:58Do you know what BC stands for?
36:00No, I thought it was...
36:01Before Christ.
36:02So, there were people before Christ?
36:04Yeah, there were people before Christ.
36:06So, I thought the whole intention of the Bible was that God come along, created Jesus and that was like
36:12the birth of people.
36:14No?
36:16No.
36:17Well, where do you think Mary and Joseph were? How did they happen?
36:20I don't know. I thought they were once a T-Rex and then all of a sudden there was a
36:24monkey and then they come to this.
36:25There was a T-Rex and a monkey and then Mary and Joseph had...
36:29I just thought evolution come along and, you know, we were once a monkey and then we started talking and
36:33then all of a sudden we started becoming humans.
36:35Yes, that's evolution. That's what happened.
36:37Yeah, so, that's why I thought this happened.
36:39No, no, the Bible tells us that...
36:42No, it's fake because she can't get pregnant without having a penis inside her.
36:46Well, she did.
36:47It's impossible.
36:48Well, he believed her.
36:49Anyway, let's not get bogged down in that.
36:52Who's Gloria?
36:54It's actually the angel Gabriel who's brought a towel along with Gloria written on it.
36:57She's obviously got the sex of the infant wrong.
37:00It looks great, isn't it?
37:01Yeah.
37:01The kids are going to love this, eh?
37:03I know they are.
37:06And I still hadn't finished.
37:08Because despite Charlie's enthusiasm for the animals being plastic, I thought my grotto would be better if it had some
37:16real livestock.
37:18So, while I decorated the outside...
37:21Lovely job.
37:22...Charles Darwin went off to get some.
37:28Welcome, ghost, your new home.
37:32Come on.
37:33In you go.
37:34Come on, you.
37:36Look round the corner like, what the fuck is that?
37:39Well, that's their nemesis.
37:40I mean, this is the symbol of the devil.
37:42And in there is the baby Jesus.
37:47Look at them happy goats.
37:50Oh, he's having a piss already in there.
37:53Oh, what's he done?
37:53He's eating the fairy lights.
37:56Is that actually powered by electricity?
37:58We should...
37:58Yeah.
37:58I need to stop that.
38:00Shit.
38:01They're going to electrocute themselves.
38:02We have an emergency.
38:04Here you go.
38:06Is that the mistletoe?
38:08Huh?
38:08Right.
38:09No, it's the holly.
38:10Okay.
38:11Isn't it?
38:12I don't know.
38:13Huh?
38:14Oh, fuck!
38:20There's glass here.
38:23Oh, fuck!
38:23It's to stop the goats coming in here, mate.
38:26It wasn't there earlier, though.
38:28Yeah, well, it is now.
38:29I put it in to stop the goats coming into our Santa scene.
38:34Yeah.
38:34Oh, no.
38:35Don't eat baby Jesus.
38:38Oh, my goodness.
38:40Oh, my goodness.
38:44Eventually, I had to break away from the grotto, because Dillwyn was coming over to check and vaccinate the Easy
38:50Care sheep again.
38:53And up at their field, where clearly a lot of ram action had been going on, Caleb had nearly done
39:00a good job of rounding them up.
39:03The fence is on.
39:06Why is that one not in, Caleb?
39:07Can't get it in.
39:09What?
39:09She is an arsehole.
39:11Why won't you go in?
39:13Hey, can you go and open that gate? I've got it.
39:15Go and open that gate. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
39:17I can't do quick.
39:18Hold that, hold that far end.
39:20Shush your noise.
39:21Stop it.
39:22Ow, you fucking sheep.
39:24Oh, my God.
39:26Stop.
39:27For fuck's sake.
39:30Hello, sheeps.
39:31With your triangular Easy Birth heads.
39:36Vagina-friendly head shapes.
39:38That's what you've got.
39:39Jeremy, Jeremy.
39:41Hey, hey, hey.
39:42Oh, just slowly.
39:44Ow.
39:45I've got to go again.
39:47Ah, fuck.
39:49Ah.
39:51It's electrified.
39:52Ah.
39:56Holy shit.
40:00You let one out.
40:02Oh, don't.
40:02I think this just broke my finger.
40:04These Easy Care sheep.
40:06Yeah.
40:07Are proving to...
40:08Well, they've damn nearly turned him into...
40:11Both my arms.
40:13Oh, my finger is really painful.
40:16Being a vet, Dillwyn wasn't really interested in our human injuries.
40:21He just wanted to vaccinate the sheep against a rather nasty new disease.
40:26Blue tongue.
40:27Am I right in saying it's like a little midge, a little mosquito-y thing?
40:31Blue tongue is caused by a virus, which is carried by midges.
40:35Midges.
40:35Midges.
40:36And they started in Holland, blue across the channel.
40:39Yep.
40:40And blue tongue also kills sheep.
40:42Okay.
40:43Well, let's get on and inject them.
40:49Pinch of skin?
40:50Yeah, pinch of skin.
40:51Working in there.
40:54Are you marking them?
40:56Yeah.
40:57It's not a brilliant look.
40:58They look like Adam and the ants.
41:01Dillwyn then decided, as we'd finally got the sheep in a pen,
41:05he should clip their toenails.
41:07Is this going to stop them being laid?
41:10That is the plan.
41:11Just sit still.
41:13Be like a cow.
41:14Normally, when you have them on their back, they just sit there.
41:18Oh, wow.
41:18It's like you're doing a nail salon.
41:21One down, 58 to go.
41:24Is this sheep number three you're doing now?
41:26Two.
41:28We're going to be here all day.
41:29Yeah.
41:34With all the sheeps fully manicured, we could get back to the grotto,
41:38which still needed some finishing touches.
41:42Starting with my snow machine.
41:45All right, I think this is how you do it.
41:52Look at that.
41:53That's wicked.
41:58We are not going to feature in the Daily Mail's annual
42:01shit Christmas grotto photo, are we?
42:04But it's sticking to the trees, though, it looks...
42:07And then, to complete the nativity scene...
42:12Come on, Brittany.
42:14Whoa, now what do you think of this, goats?
42:18Something else to eat.
42:20I love donkeys.
42:27Oh, no, no.
42:29Oh, shit.
42:31Jesus is having a tough time, I must be honest.
42:34Over in the Santa section of the grotto,
42:37I then spotted another problem.
42:40We're going to need a cameraman in here
42:41so we can film the scene of Santa with the children.
42:45But that would rather spoil the mood if you put that in here.
42:49I then had a brainwave,
42:52which required the help of our camera assistant.
42:55Joey?
42:57Joey?
42:59Mate.
43:00This is a big ask.
43:09Are you serious?
43:16An hour later, everything was ready in the farmer's dog Christmas grotto.
43:22Even the cast of characters.
43:26This looks amazing.
43:27Santa!
43:28Hello, little boy.
43:30Well, that's debatable.
43:34As the first of the families turned up...
43:37Oh!
43:39Hello!
43:42Charlie arrived, and even he was impressed.
43:46You know I have my doubts about this thing.
43:49I know, you have your doubts about everything.
43:51I know, well, we're...
43:53It's really good, actually.
43:54And the business plan?
43:56£10 a ticket.
43:58The presents were £4.
44:00Yeah.
44:00Father Christmas.
44:02Can't remember how much we're paying him.
44:03Not much.
44:04We're using a camera assistant as an elf.
44:06Yeah.
44:07So, of your £10, have you taken 20% off...
44:10Oh, I don't know.
44:11Why are you bringing accountancy into the festers?
44:15Of the ten, we only keep eight,
44:16because we have to give 20% to the government.
44:19Anyway, listen.
44:20This is the biggest problem,
44:22and never mind your accountancy.
44:24What? No!
44:25Why?
44:26Jesus is being tossed around like an empty pair of pyjamas.
44:31Are you ready?
44:32Oh, no!
44:32Oh, no!
44:34Oh, no!
44:37Get away!
44:41While the endlessly comedic goats laid waste to the grotto,
44:45it was time for the rest of us to down tools
44:48and, in our own diddly-squat way,
44:51celebrate Christmas.
44:55Out on the roads,
44:57we joined all the local farmers
44:59who'd temporarily forgotten about Rachel Reeves
45:02so they could entertain the children
45:04with their annual Christmas tractor run.
45:12How are you?
45:16Meanwhile, at the farmer's dog,
45:18we hosted a Christmas lock-in
45:20for all the people who'd helped us make it a success.
45:25Right, guys, help yourselves.
45:27The bar is open.
45:31Along with all the familiar faces,
45:36there were diddly-squat alumni from previous years.
45:41Look who's here.
45:43Like Kevin and Ellen, the sheep people.
45:47I was reading you had shedding sheep.
45:49Yeah, we've got easy care.
45:51One of them was so easy to care for, it dies.
45:55Even Mr. No No No Tom turned up,
45:58proudly announcing he was now a published author.
46:02Is this your book?
46:04Yeah.
46:04Yeah, I used to go out with local grapes
46:07and do most dogs and stuff.
46:09It's fantastic.
46:11I thought it sent a guide to finding Moses.
46:12Oh, my God.
46:18Look at the light.
46:19Oh, my God.
46:19Harriet's waters are present.
46:20No way.
46:22Did you make that?
46:22Yes.
46:23You made it?
46:24Aw, thanks, Harriet.
46:25It hangs that way.
46:27It's Christmassy and violent.
46:30And my sister and my dad shot them all
46:32and killed that person.
46:33Oh!
46:35That's brilliant.
46:36You have to put it all.
46:39I actually do.
46:41You all right?
46:43You like that?
46:44Yeah.
46:45And then you pick it up with your mouth.
46:46What?
46:47Okay.
46:47How could it be Mick Jagger to get that?
46:51No.
46:52Hang on.
46:52Okay.
46:54Right, so...
46:55No, no, no, not on your knees.
46:56No hands and no knees.
47:01Ha-ha.
47:05You ready, Gerald?
47:06Yeah.
47:08Right, 101, yeah?
47:09Double out.
47:10Who do you do maths?
47:11I'm quite good at dark.
47:12Nothing in.
47:13There's no light on the dark board, are you?
47:15I can't see it.
47:16You're getting closer every time.
47:17You should get your head torch and put it on it.
47:20Yay!
47:22That was good.
47:22What's the price, anyway?
47:24I'll buy you a drink.
47:26It's a free bar.
47:27I know, that's my point.
47:32It's a free bar.
47:36Could you do that?
47:38Absolutely zero, Gerald.
47:40I couldn't...
47:40Absolutely...
47:41Ridiculous.
47:42I was on my hands and knees.
47:43Come on, Charles.
47:44I'll do health and safety for you.
47:46Oh!
47:46Jesus!
47:48Hang on.
47:48God!
47:49No way!
47:50That's not gonna happen!
47:52No, I'm 21.
47:54What?
47:54You didn't get 12, you got 9.
47:57You got 9, 7 and a 5.
47:58Have yourself a merry...
48:02As the drink flowed and the fire roared...
48:06Make the Yuletide gate...
48:12There was no doubt we'd made a really good pub.
48:16Our troubles will be miles away...
48:21But in the new year, I knew we had to make a really good farm as well.
48:27Merry...
48:27Little...
48:29Christmas...
48:31Now...
48:33Sort of a weird leave in England.
48:36This is what abroad is like.
48:38Wow.
48:39Bloody hell.
48:41This is the future of farming.
48:43Holy shit.
48:44This is just...
48:45My mind is in overdrive right now.
48:48It...
48:48It's about to blow up.
48:49From Grey.
48:55Next up.
48:55Coming in.
49:08Next up, there's a house.
49:08Keep going...
49:08You can leave it in England.
49:11Exactly.
49:11This is what for you.
49:12...The nutrition side of theanı...
49:13Oldremo music...
49:14And the business side...
49:14Boimi pan.
49:14Couple.
49:14Queimon //ipe
49:14side! réser.
49:15Nevermind. Finstipency
49:25We'll see you next time.
Comments