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00:00.
00:02Brace! Brace!
00:03I'm bracing!
00:11No, no, no!
00:18No!
00:23Ah!
00:25What?
00:31APPLAUSE
00:36Hello!
00:37Here we go again. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41I'm Greg Davis and I love the smell of a new series in the evening.
00:44Five fresh competitors entering the arena, their hair done all fancy,
00:48the light dancing off their new outfits. Just nice.
00:50But we all know that no amount of cosmetic tinkering can disguise
00:54the fear that rips through their naive bodies.
00:56Oh, maybe I won't be one of those ones that humiliates themselves
01:01on this programme. Grow up!
01:03It's this misplaced optimism that wakes me up in the morning,
01:06sustains me throughout the day, and, I hope this is appropriate,
01:10is the source of my virility.
01:12LAUGHTER
01:16So, let's meet five successful comedians happy to put it all on the line
01:21to win a trophy that remains to this day truly worthless.
01:24Please welcome Frankie Boyle,
01:28Ivo Graham,
01:31Jenny Eclair,
01:33Kyle Smith-Prinnel,
01:36and May Martin.
01:40And now it's over to Prictionary Corner.
01:44It's the direct result of a trust between Postman Puth and Chewbacca.
01:48It's...
01:49Little Alex Horne!
01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53Hi. Hi, Greg.
01:54You all right?
01:55I'm just so ready for this.
01:56I've had my pre...
01:57Well, my new pre-show fuel.
02:00Yeah.
02:00Got a new system.
02:01OK.
02:01I have a quick Scotch apple.
02:04I've got one here, actually.
02:06Obviously, yeah.
02:07There's a Scotch apple.
02:08Yeah.
02:09You want... you want... you want...
02:11No?
02:12Have a little nibble on it.
02:13Gonna have a little nibble on it.
02:17Mmm!
02:19That is awful.
02:21Mmm! Mmm!
02:23That is lovely.
02:24It genuinely looks disgusting.
02:26Oh, it really is.
02:28Walter?
02:29Hopefully you'll be physically sick during the show.
02:31OK, it's time for Alex to reveal the first prize category of this series.
02:36Yes, here it comes.
02:37You've asked them to bring in the most dependable thing that weighs about one kilogram.
02:42So, about the same as a ferret, but much more trustworthy than a ferret, please.
02:47Greg will give five points to the most dependable thing that weighs about a kilogram
02:50and at the end of this episode, the overall winner will take home around 5kg of dependable things.
02:55That's me done and it's back to you, Greg.
02:57OK, as tradition dictates, we start on the left for the first episode.
03:01So, Frankie, welcome to the show.
03:03What's your dependable thing that weighs around a kilogram?
03:06I have brought in something that reliably makes me smile and laugh, which is a painting my children had made
03:13up of me for my 50s birthday.
03:16Here it is.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:21Are the two people by the horse your children?
03:23Yeah, they are.
03:24They've blurred their faces out.
03:25They weren't just moving while the painter was...
03:28Frankie, it's a really strong opener.
03:30I would like that in my house.
03:32That's creepy.
03:33Yeah.
03:34Good.
03:34Ivo, welcome to the show.
03:36Thanks for having me on the show.
03:37Obviously, very hard to follow Frankie's beautiful family-orientated art.
03:42But I would argue...
03:43Are you all right?
03:45LAUGHTER
03:47Are you playing a Radio 4 panel game where you can't say certain words?
03:53Even on Taskmaster, I'm still auditioning for Radio 4 panel shows.
03:57I brought in the most dependable thing there is.
04:00I brought in a four-pack of non-branded toilet roll.
04:05Yes, he has.
04:05Oh, reliable.
04:06There's his item.
04:08And I would say the four-pack, as well as weighing pretty much exactly a kilogram,
04:12pretty much any bowels are provided for.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:15It's the sense of security that comes with bringing home a sweet four.
04:20I'm a nine-pack girl.
04:22Can I pull Ivo up on this slightly?
04:25If you look up loo rolls on Wikipedia, which I imagine you've done,
04:28it says the average weight of a loo roll is 227 grams.
04:31Yes.
04:31But that is completely wrong, as is some of Wikipedia.
04:35They weigh about 100 grams each.
04:37So he's brought in less than half a kilo of loo roll?
04:40Yeah, yeah.
04:40Is it too late to switch it up to a sweet nine?
04:43No, no.
04:44Not when you've been singing the virtues of the sweet four.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:49Jenny, welcome.
04:50I have brought in...
04:53..21 eggs.
04:54You can't...
04:55..you can't go wrong with an egg.
04:57These are Jenny's 21 eggs.
04:59The 21 eggs come in at 1,022 grams.
05:02Are eggs dependable, though?
05:03They go off.
05:04They break.
05:05So reliable and dependable.
05:06They go off.
05:07They're fragile.
05:08They can be gelatinous.
05:10Oh.
05:10If cooked incorrectly.
05:12Oh, you're putting me off eggs now.
05:13Think of the people at home who've lost loved ones to salmonella poisoning.
05:16Yeah.
05:17Two.
05:17Yeah.
05:19OK.
05:20All right.
05:20Kyle, welcome to the show.
05:22I'll smash this.
05:22What have you brought us?
05:24I've brought a toaster.
05:25Here it is.
05:26Not just...
05:27Any old toaster.
05:28Look at that.
05:29Ooh.
05:30It's a fine toaster.
05:30It's a bit modern, it's a bit retro.
05:32It's a nice bit of kit there, isn't it?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Ooh.
05:35Talk us through your love of the toaster, Kyle.
05:37It...
05:37Every time you put it down, it burns a thing and pops it up.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43Once bread has become toast, it can never be bread again.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:52That is poetic.
05:54Hello, May.
05:55Welcome to the show.
05:57What have you brought in?
05:57OK.
05:58So, there's been a lot of breakfast content.
06:01I feel like if you're in a fragile state, what's more dependable?
06:05Go the whole hog than a kilogram worth of a full English breakfast.
06:09That's what May's brought.
06:10One kg of breakfast.
06:12May is talking my language.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15Let's have a look.
06:17That's exactly a kilogram.
06:18It is exactly one kg.
06:20Five sausages, three bacon rashers, three hash browns, beans, mushrooms, scrambled eggs.
06:24I've never, never not been delighted by the sight of a full English.
06:27A full English includes toast.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31Sure.
06:32And a full English will ultimately be shut out.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:36There are connections.
06:38Yeah.
06:38But it's a majestic sight.
06:40Right, let's give some points out, shall we?
06:42OK.
06:42Oh dear.
06:43Let's start with the one pointer, shall we?
06:45Which is the least dependable?
06:47Bear in mind that Frankie's weighs two kilos, and Ivo's not even half a kilo.
06:52You've just absolutely shafted Frankie last minute.
06:56Are you including the frame?
06:57I think without the frame, it's barely 200 grand.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01You could have the frame.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:05OK, it's nowhere near the weight, and loo roll isn't that dependable,
07:09cos your fingers can go through it.
07:10One point to either.
07:11Oh, I feared that would happen.
07:13They just don't think eggs are very dependable.
07:15Well, they don't think you are either.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19No, I'm giving Jenny two points.
07:20OK.
07:21Three points.
07:21Weird, isn't it, that I would give it three points,
07:23where it's not even the right weight,
07:24and it's a painting of Frankie Whirl on a horse.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28But that's the intrinsic unfairness of this show.
07:30You want to play like that?
07:31Right.
07:32Three points, there it is.
07:33Well done, Frankie.
07:33So it's between the breakfast and the toaster.
07:35Toaster's one of the most boring things anyone's ever brought in.
07:38It fits the criteria, but it's unforgivably dull.
07:40But I can't deny it takes the four points.
07:42But who isn't made happier by a fryer?
07:45No, no, no, no.
07:47Five points to Maybach!
07:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:51OK, let's go.
07:52What's first, Alex?
07:53Well, I've been proposed to many times,
07:56and I've had a good couple of stag-dos,
07:57but now, finally, it's time for this.
08:00MUSIC PLAYS
08:13Ah!
08:14Hello, mate.
08:15Hi.
08:16Ooh!
08:17Are we getting married?
08:19Hello, Jenny.
08:20Hi, Frankie.
08:22Hello, Igloo.
08:25Great speed.
08:28Hello.
08:30What?
08:30Yes.
08:31Good.
08:32Can't wait for this.
08:33Yeah?
08:34This is a big day.
08:35Yeah, a huge day for me.
08:36It looks nice, doesn't it?
08:38Well, it's hideous, really, but, you know...
08:40No.
08:40No, it's lovely.
08:41It's really lovely.
08:42They smell great.
08:44Hmm.
08:50Have the best first dance at a wedding with Alex.
08:53With Alex?
08:53You can choose whatever music you want.
08:55But must be wearing these headphones throughout.
09:00Your first dance must last no more than a minute, thank God.
09:04No, not because of you, but you have 20 minutes to prepare.
09:08Your time starts now.
09:10Finally, my chance to choreograph.
09:13I'm not a good dancer.
09:14Oh, nor am I.
09:15I have no musical ability whatsoever, but God, I can dance.
09:18I have already a vision.
09:20Okay.
09:21It's pretty acrobatic.
09:22Acrobatic?
09:23Yeah, dangerous.
09:25It needs to start majestically.
09:28There's nothing majestic about a clipboard.
09:32Oh, okay, you can get low.
09:34All right.
09:36Okay.
09:37There we go.
09:38We've got quite a lot of choreography to do.
09:40Um, but the first thing I like to get on the stage is a cow.
09:44Are we going for party?
09:46Disco?
09:47Or are we going for romance?
09:49Quite a bit of, like, Stormzy.
09:51Yeah?
09:52A bit of a dramatic first dance.
09:54Lift up with a tail.
09:54There we go.
09:56Yeah, it's a standard way of carrying a cow, I think.
09:59I might have to go somewhere dark and cool to think.
10:02Okay.
10:02It's hot in there.
10:03It's dark and hot.
10:04The caravan's quite dark and cool.
10:06Okay, I'm going in there.
10:07That gives me trenched vagina.
10:09I'm sorry about that on our wedding night, but...
10:11You're going to get a dance.
10:20I don't know why I said it out loud.
10:22I was coming on to trench in the vagina as well.
10:25There's a lot we don't know about the First World War.
10:27Oh, lest we forget.
10:31Okay, so we're going to begin the dancing with Kael Smith-Bino.
10:37Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the bride and groom,
10:43Mr. and Mrs. Alex Horne.
10:46Yeah!
10:47Wow!
10:48You're the best one I've ever been to!
11:03Hit it!
11:05But...
11:15Watch your ear head.
11:16We need to be the best to do.
11:17Maybe.
11:18Turn it down down.
11:19There you go, the woman's Sheila.
11:21What's your heart...
11:21Oh!
11:21Yeah.
11:34You just wanted to abandon her.roitin
11:34.
11:35.
11:35.
11:36.
11:39.
11:41.
11:47.
11:48.
11:48.
11:48I've got nothing negative to say.
11:50That's the best thing you've ever done.
11:53Feel free to watch that at home with Earth, Wind & Fire's Boogie Wonderland.
11:57Is that what it was?
11:58That's what it was.
11:59Could you not tell?
12:00That was great, Kyle.
12:01Thanks.
12:02I was definitely going to win.
12:04Or is it?
12:05Next.
12:05Or is it?
12:06It's his big chance to choreograph, yet this is what he came up with.
12:09It's Frankie Boyle dancing to Today's Your Day, in brackets,
12:15what you're going to do by Fatlip.
12:17Oh, Fatlip.
12:20.
12:20.
12:21.
12:21.
12:21.
12:21.
12:22.
12:23.
12:24.
12:25.
12:33.
12:34.
12:54I found the dance to be rubbish.
12:56.
12:57.
12:58.
12:59Always nice when a brides looks at their watch in the middle of a wedding
13:02.
13:02.
13:03.
13:03I wanted to get it bang on tame.
13:06.
13:06There was no choreography.
13:11It was just a man, heavy breathing in a dress.
13:15And then the most stomach-churning kiss that's ever been televised.
13:19He just said to me, watch it and feel it.
13:27.
13:29Now it's time for me to dance with Jenny Eclare.
13:32Woo, lucky!
13:58BUZZER
14:00BUZZER
14:02BUZZER
14:04BUZZER
14:05BUZZER
14:06BUZZER
14:17BUZZER
14:19BUZZER
14:19BUZZER
14:21BUZZER
14:21BUZZER
14:22APPLAUSE
14:25Well... Did you guess the music?
14:28Is it Bride of the Valkyries?
14:30But I was calling it Bride of the Valkyries.
14:32Yes, you were, yeah.
14:32Well, the first thing I wrote down is,
14:34this looks like a scene from a Victorian insane asylum.
14:36Yes.
14:37But then I thought a narrative did emerge.
14:39I thought there was some kind of courting ritual going on.
14:41Yes, there was.
14:42Involving an asthmatic bride.
14:44Yes.
14:44Trying to get the attention of her husband,
14:46only to scare him off with an aggressive sexual advance.
14:49Yes.
14:50And that was the intention.
14:52All right, you want to see who's next?
14:53Yep!
14:53Next to dance with me for the fourth first time
14:56is Ivo Graham.
14:57See if you can guess what song we're listening to.
15:26Yeah, you can guess what song you are.
15:41Vigilante...
15:42É uma de suas canções, Greg.
15:44Oh, é?
15:45Sim. Eu estiver làm de um filme.
15:47Foi o Dizzy by The Wonderstuff.
15:48Esa é a Dizzy by The Wonderstuff.
15:50O que outros songes são?
15:52O Size Of A Cow.
15:53Há uma cabra at sua festa.
15:56...sóis que se tornou bem.
15:58...sóis que se tornou bem.
15:59É o motivo para a co-cow.
16:01Durante a série Ivo tentou ingratiante ele com você.
16:03Oh, mas isso realmente worked!
16:06Eu sou amado de mim.
16:08Porque o dano é um pouco, mas eu acho que ele vai dar mais points.
16:13NEXT!
16:14Just uma pessoa left e, antes de a dança,
16:17eu disse, ''May I?''
16:18E eles disse, ''I may.''
16:20''You may,'' eu disse, e eles disse, ''I...
16:22''I may.''
16:23E ele vai ter muito mais divertido como isso durante a série.
16:27É o ''May Martin'' e ''Zorba the Greek''.
16:30SORBA THE GREEK
16:33SORBA
16:34SORBA
16:34SORBA
16:35SORBA
16:36SORBA
16:36SORBA
16:42SORBA
16:42SORBA
16:43SORBA
16:45SORBA
16:45SORBA
16:46SORBA
16:49SORBA
16:49SORBA
16:50SORBA
16:57SORBA
17:02SORBA
17:04SORBA
17:05SORBA
17:05SORBA
17:06SORBA
17:08SORBA
17:08SORBA
17:08SORBA
17:09SORBA
17:09SORBA
17:10SORBA
17:11SORBA
17:11SORBA
17:12SORBA
17:13SORBA
17:13...and I'm alone again.
17:18So that's such a great dance.
17:21Thank you. It's like mathematical almost.
17:24You've got far more skills than I thought when you're in the hands of the right choreographer.
17:29Did you find it emotional?
17:30That's the one place you lost me was when you started crying at the end because I thought,
17:34OK, well, May's lost their fucking mind.
17:35I was engaged once.
17:37And it triggered you?
17:39Yeah, our dance wasn't going to be Zorba, but...
17:41...a sort of Cossack clock dance with this goon.
17:44Yeah, I suddenly thought this would be nice.
17:47I feel like I've really been on an emotional journey.
17:50Yeah.
17:51It's made me feel sick.
17:52Ah.
17:53Do you want some points, then?
17:54Yeah, OK.
17:54Do you want me to go bottom or top first?
17:57Or middle. Start with middle, if you want.
17:58OK.
18:00Who was the most average?
18:01Well, I don't think it was average. I thought it was really good.
18:04I just think there were two dances better than it.
18:05Jenny's.
18:06Oh!
18:07Three points.
18:08Average. Thanks.
18:10No, I'm happy. I'm happy with that. Thank you very much.
18:14Where would you like to go next?
18:15I'd like to go down by one, please.
18:17OK.
18:18Ivo's.
18:19Even though he'd successfully sucked up to me,
18:21all he did was jump over a cow and spin round in circles.
18:24Well, you get two points. Well done, Ivo.
18:28I feel like I know the one-pointer, so correct.
18:31Yeah.
18:32It.
18:32It.
18:33Kael.
18:34I'm joking.
18:36What?
18:36Thank you.
18:37Thank you, boy.
18:37You get one point.
18:38Thank you.
18:39Yeah.
18:40So, it's between Kael and May for the five points.
18:45I very much enjoyed the emotional content of May's.
18:47I really did.
18:48But the dance I wanted to be part of was Kael's.
18:51OK.
18:51Kael will get five points.
18:52There he goes.
18:53Awesome.
18:55Let's see how that all looks on a scoreboard.
18:57Of course.
18:58Yes.
18:59Well, Ivo's in last place with three.
19:00But we have joint leaders with nine, Kael and May.
19:04APPLAUSE
19:08Another tap, please, my little toy.
19:10Of course.
19:11And this one involves the patron saint of Ring.
19:14Saint Ring.
19:15Often known now as String.
19:17Here we go.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:31Well, hello.
19:33Hello, Jenny.
19:33On a red cushion.
19:34Hello, Alex.
19:36Clock started already?
19:38Yes.
19:38Right.
19:41Hello, Ivo.
19:42Oh, straight on.
19:43Nice to see you.
19:45Nice to see you too, May.
19:46Ball of String.
19:48Cushion.
19:49Task.
19:50Mm-hmm.
19:53Completely unwind this ball of string.
19:55Your time started when you said Alex's name.
19:57Your time started when you said Alex's name?
20:00Damn and blast you!
20:02Your time started when you said...
20:06Alex's name.
20:07Oh, phew.
20:09Hello.
20:10Hello.
20:11Frankie.
20:16Oh, twine.
20:17Twine.
20:18Twine, yep.
20:21Yo.
20:22Hello, Kael.
20:24Are you all right, Kael?
20:25Yeah, man.
20:26You?
20:27Yes, great.
20:29Mmm.
20:31What's that feel of it?
20:32Completely unwind this ball of string.
20:36Your time started when you said...
20:40Hmm.
20:41...name.
20:41I said your name.
20:43I don't think I said yours.
20:45I was hoping you were going to say hello, Alex.
20:50You haven't bargained with Scottish rudeness.
20:55Time started when you said...
20:59Hmm.
21:00I kept saying hello, Kael.
21:05What did I say?
21:07Yo.
21:08Yeah.
21:14I really like it when people guess your system.
21:16They break your system straight away.
21:19It's one of your favourite things, isn't it?
21:20It's one of my favourite things.
21:21It was Frankie and Kael who were the problems.
21:24Let's see how they...
21:25The rest of the problem children did.
21:27OK, well, the rude Scotsman is up first.
21:29His words, not mine.
21:30It's Frankie Boyle.
21:32I don't suppose there's a quicker way to do it than simply throwing it back.
21:38Oh, you can see what cats get out of this, really.
21:40It's very entertaining.
21:43Are you going to say my name at all, do you think?
21:44I am, yeah.
21:45Right.
21:46Oh, yeah.
21:46Don't worry about that.
21:49There we go.
21:51Alex.
21:52Right.
21:53Definitely done everything on the task.
21:56Put in mind this ball of string.
21:57Your time started when you said Alex's name.
22:00Yes.
22:00You happy?
22:01Thanks.
22:01Thanks Frankie.
22:03Bye Alex.
22:25You can't just hide bits of the task.
22:30I'd say at your task some of it's written under the chair.
22:33Listen, I couldn't agree more.
22:35Do you think that would stand up in court?
22:37We've never had a litigation on this show, but I would welcome it, Frankie.
22:41Nay, financially support you suing it.
22:44I never put it on the cushion, so my clock is essentially still going.
22:48Six months.
22:50One hundred and seventy-two days.
22:52Nearly a whole school year.
22:55I've said it before.
22:56I've said it again, Frankie.
22:58The guy's a prick.
23:01Did the next two competitors look?
23:03Well, we've only just met them.
23:05But I doubt it.
23:05It's Kael and Ivo.
23:10You know what my name is?
23:12Yeah.
23:13Mr Horn.
23:15The Curse of Politeness.
23:19And it is a curse.
23:22This is fun though.
23:23Ooh!
23:25It's okay by what most people like know you as.
23:29And I guess...
23:31I'd love you to say it.
23:33Alex.
23:33Right, I've started the clock.
23:34Done.
23:35Have you?
23:36Yeah.
23:37It's completely unwinded.
23:38It's completely unwinded.
23:39Have you done everything?
23:40Yeah.
23:41What?
23:42Ah!
23:44No!
23:45Put a neat ball...
23:50Put a neat ball of string on the cushion.
23:52Fastest wins.
23:53You did not have to unwind the ball of string.
23:57Why did you put that on the front?
23:59It's optimistic to think there's another one in the house.
24:01You think we've only got one ball of string?
24:03I don't...
24:04I don't know.
24:06Plus there's so much string there.
24:08Ah!
24:08Yes, look how purple my...
24:10My fingertips are going.
24:11I can't unwind it to release my fingers.
24:16And the dog's head.
24:19Damn, Leslie.
24:22Still the clock's on a clock.
24:23Oof!
24:24I think that can just all go in one dig.
24:27Yeah.
24:28That's actually great.
24:34It did slip smoothly off the dog's face.
24:37That was a really good bit of an otherwise terrible experience.
24:44APPLAUSE
24:45Um, very similar systems initially.
24:48Mm-hm.
24:49Although Ivo was a little more enthusiastic about casting his string asunder.
24:53He was the quickest to unwind.
24:55Kyle was spending a lot of time congratulating himself for not saying your name.
25:00Ivo, 7 minutes 24 to put a ball of string on a cushion.
25:04It's actually ages, isn't it?
25:06This is ages.
25:07Yeah.
25:08This is ongoing ages.
25:10Well, what I took from that is that English people know not to trust other English people.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17We've got a Canadian next.
25:18Do you think a Canadian will trust an Englishman?
25:20Shouldn't do.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:23Well, there are only two people left and there's still a chance they might be the smart ones.
25:27It's May and Jenny.
25:30Is this your normal technique?
25:31Yeah.
25:32There's no other way than this.
25:34No tricks?
25:35I mean, the awful trick would be if at the end of all this you said,
25:38now wind it all back up.
25:40And then I say, fuck off, you sod.
25:43Ah.
25:44Oh, bloody hell.
25:49I feel like I've achieved something which is pathetic.
25:53Done.
25:54I've finished it. I've done it, Alex. I've done it.
25:56Have you? You sure?
26:01Oh, no.
26:02Put a neat ball of string on the cushion. Fastest wins.
26:05Why did you do that to me?
26:08Why would anybody do that?
26:10You didn't say look at the other side.
26:12You should always look at the back of the tongue.
26:13Oh, God in heaven, I don't...
26:16It's not going to get me.
26:19Could I...?
26:20Is there another ball of string?
26:22It doesn't say how big the ball of string has to be.
26:28It's not that.
26:32Off the top of the clock, that is a neat ball of string.
26:34It's a neat ball of string.
26:39Oh!
26:42Stop the clock.
26:44Why don't I look right there first?
26:47Yes.
26:48You didn't know there was a secret drawer there?
26:49Yeah, well, basically, there's only two that have handles that stick out.
26:53Well done, mate.
26:53Thanks.
26:54Bye.
26:54Bye, mate.
26:57I really loved your quote.
27:01How would anyone want to do that to someone?
27:03It felt really picked on.
27:05But I thought she was good.
27:07I put that May lost their goddamn mind, is what I wrote down initially, but then, that's how this game
27:13can turn on a sixpunce.
27:14It was a real sixth sense from May.
27:16I genuinely felt like the Lord was involved.
27:20I had, like, a flash of, I just knew it was, it came from the Lord.
27:29It's good that he's sparing the time from all these people who are dying in natural disasters and whatnot.
27:35So, Luke getting on this show.
27:37He's got to have a hobby, hasn't he?
27:40He's a fan.
27:41Yes.
27:42Well, we know that Ivo took 7 minutes 24, Kael 5 minutes and 7 seconds, Frankie currently 247,680 minutes.
27:51May Martin placed a ball of string on the cushion in 2 minutes 35.
27:56Oh, my gosh.
27:57Jenny, 1 minute 19 slower than May.
28:01Slower than May. Slower than May.
28:033 minutes 54.
28:0654 seconds.
28:07That's cruel.
28:08Why would you do that to me?
28:11Why would anybody do that to me?
28:16Which means that Ivo gets 2 points, Kael 3, Jenny 4.
28:19Frankie does get 1 point, but May Martin gets 5 points.
28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:25Flaming out of the tusk my way, please.
28:27Well, let's see if this one floats your boat,
28:29because we're about to see our first location task of the series.
28:44I can't see him.
28:46Ahoy!
28:46What are you wearing on your hat?
28:48A safety hat.
28:49Ah, yes!
28:51Ahoy!
28:53Let's wait up.
28:54Yeah.
28:57Get all the rubber rings on your barge pole.
29:00Get all the rubber rings on your barge pole.
29:04It's like a narwhal thing.
29:07You may not touch the barge pole or rubber rings at any point with my hands.
29:12You have a maximum of half an hour.
29:15Your time starts now.
29:20Have you ever driven a barge before?
29:22Pfft.
29:23Yeah.
29:23Barge?
29:25Have you driven a barge?
29:26Have you driven a barge?
29:27No.
29:28Have you driven a race before?
29:31No.
29:32I've never driven a car.
29:33Are you ready to go?
29:34I'm sort of ready to go, but I know this isn't a very good idea.
29:42It looked like Ivo was interpreting for Frankie.
29:47Get all the rubber rings on a barge pole and then get all the rubber rings on a barge pole.
29:55Ready?
29:56Ready.
29:57Here we go.
29:57Just to explain, this was a supervised barge trip in a safe, private area,
30:01and we begin with everyone's favourite chain of modest celebration restaurants.
30:06It's Frankie and Jenny's.
30:07The clock has started.
30:11I'm full steaming ahead.
30:12You are.
30:21One rubber ring.
30:27I'm so sorry.
30:29Are you all right, Hallie?
30:31It was quite a heavy crash.
30:33I might have broken the boat.
30:34OK, we're going for number two.
30:38We're going to come back for that one.
30:41Oh!
30:42Wrong way!
30:43Wrong way!
30:45Oh, yeah!
30:46We're lining up with this bad boy.
30:51Go the other way.
30:52Right.
30:52Go that way, go that way.
30:55Just hitting that tree, I think.
30:59Think of it back up a little.
31:00Hmm.
31:02Ah, here we are again.
31:03Watch that tree.
31:06Oh, dear.
31:07Oh, dear.
31:07Watch your head, Alex.
31:08Watch your head.
31:09I'm very, very sorry.
31:10Very sorry about this.
31:11Very, very sorry.
31:16I think we'll get them all the way back.
31:20It's not fair!
31:21I can't see you missing this one.
31:34Why?
31:35No!
31:37No!
31:38No!
31:39Oh, my God.
31:42One.
31:43The final minute, Jenny.
31:45OK.
31:46OK.
31:46You bastard.
31:54We're going quite...
31:55We're going quite fast towards the wall.
31:57So close.
31:58We're going to hit the wall quite fast.
31:59Brace!
32:00Brace!
32:01Brace!
32:02I'm bracing.
32:06Er...
32:08I'm so sorry.
32:09No, that's all right.
32:10I'm not sure this was a very good idea.
32:13Yeah, there we go.
32:15I don't think you're a natural.
32:16I've maybe discovered a new way of doing it.
32:22There were three crashes, right?
32:24We showed three.
32:25Yeah.
32:27The most spectacular of which involved you knowing you were going to crash,
32:32not attempting to stop or steer away.
32:34You just simply shouting,
32:37At that point, I forgot what you could do.
32:41Entirely.
32:42Like the worst pilot of all time.
32:46Brace!
32:48We're going down!
32:50Some of the other things she said was,
32:51Back, back.
32:52Come on, pony.
32:53Calm the flip down, Jenny.
32:54Spin, bitch, spin.
33:00Yes, they both got one.
33:01They had a maximum of half an hour.
33:02We thought, well, that would be plenty.
33:03Good.
33:04Both awful.
33:05OK, one...
33:06One watermelon each.
33:08Next up, it's one man on his own.
33:10And I'm going to use his full name to introduce him this time.
33:12It's Kael Smith Binoculars.
33:16How are you feeling?
33:17Like a sailor.
33:19Wait, what am I doing?
33:20Collecting it.
33:21On the pole.
33:23Come on, Kevin.
33:24Nyaaah!
33:26Oh, man.
33:27OK.
33:28That's OK.
33:29We're just going to reverse, aren't we?
33:32Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
33:37OK, here we go.
33:39This is it.
33:43Yeah!
33:44One on a bar's pole for me.
33:47That took three minutes.
33:49Not bad.
33:54Two on a bar's pole for me.
34:00How many have I got to get?
34:02Five.
34:02Oh.
34:03So I don't need this one at all.
34:05Why not?
34:06Because I can get that one down there.
34:07OK.
34:11Yeah!
34:12Four on a bar's pole for me.
34:16Nine minutes gone.
34:17Right, this one.
34:18One take.
34:19I'm not messing about.
34:20He's like bloody Popeye.
34:22Popeye's a sailor, right?
34:25Yeah!
34:26Let's go, baby!
34:28Four.
34:29Four?
34:30Is that not five?
34:33One.
34:34Two.
34:35Three.
34:36Yeah, four.
34:36Four.
34:37It's reversal time.
34:39Look at that.
34:40Watch him go.
34:43Oh, you feel the wind in your hair.
34:45Woo!
34:46Yeah!
34:47You've got seven minutes.
34:48I don't think you're counting in real minutes.
34:51I can see the ring.
34:58You've got four minutes to get the last ring.
35:00I only need one.
35:02Yeah!
35:03I'll start the clock.
35:11You know how you hear like an earworm song like Saturday Night by Wigfield and you hear it a few
35:16times and after sort of the eighth time, ninth you've heard it on the radio, it starts to irritate you.
35:21I was irritated on the first verse of one on a barge pole for me.
35:28For me, for me.
35:31However, an exemplary performance.
35:34Well, the thing was, I thought that I'd already got all five.
35:39One, two, four, five.
35:40That was a problem.
35:40Some hotels don't have the number 13, so maybe you just don't have the number three in your vocabulary?
35:44Is that a thing?
35:45I'd say so, yeah.
35:46Try counting to five now.
35:47Now?
35:47Yeah.
35:48One, two, four, five.
35:50For me.
35:54So we did eventually get all five within the time frame.
35:5626 minutes and 30 is the time to beat.
35:59Two people left to see and their surnames sound like two reliable friends.
36:03It's Graham and Martin.
36:07Oh, no.
36:09Oh, he's done it!
36:13I feel so alive.
36:19One rubber ring.
36:20And that took one minute.
36:25Two rubber rings, May.
36:26In two minutes.
36:27I'm reversing.
36:29I'm on a boat.
36:31Yes, you're on a boat.
36:34Two rings.
36:35Two rings.
36:36Now we reverse.
36:40It's been quite serene so far, May.
36:43That's three.
36:47Yes!
36:52Yes!
36:53Piece of piss.
36:55Yes!
36:57He has taken to the task.
37:00Right.
37:01Photo finish.
37:08Okay.
37:09This is bad.
37:10Here we go.
37:12Oh, no!
37:13No!
37:14Yes!
37:14No!
37:16No!
37:18This has come off.
37:21I've broken the steering wheel.
37:29I've never been so focused.
37:32No, nor have I.
37:39Yes!
37:41Oh, stop the clock!
37:42Yeah!
37:44You've done it, mate.
37:45You made it look really easy.
37:46Yeah, I love that.
37:51Ivo.
37:52Hello.
37:53You've got 11 minutes left.
37:55Well, hang on.
37:56I thought I'd use four minutes.
37:58We're back in?
37:59We're back in.
38:00Clock back on.
38:08Yes!
38:09I've stopped the clock!
38:11Put it in reverse!
38:12Put it in reverse!
38:13Oh, no!
38:15A lot happened.
38:17My hat came off.
38:18Broken the boat.
38:20Won the tar.
38:25It's very early for me to be saying this, but it seems to me that anything May takes on is
38:29done with poise.
38:31I don't know.
38:31I've never said piece of piss.
38:33That's so English.
38:34I don't know why I said that.
38:35Even piece of piss felt dignified.
38:39How am I ranking on the old poise front, Greg?
38:42There's a reason I led with May.
38:45I mean, it was just carnage, wasn't it?
38:47Well, it was great.
38:48Broken the boat.
38:48Won the task.
38:49I doubt it.
38:51Broken the boat.
38:52Lost my hat.
38:53Won the task.
38:53And in the words of Meatloaf, two out of three ain't bad.
38:59Do we include the whole time in his time or do we stop the clock when he broke the barge?
39:04Ivo had the barge after Frankie and me.
39:07He shouldn't be punished because I think we'd broken it already.
39:10That's exactly...
39:10Thank you so much.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:12That's exactly what happened.
39:14Yeah.
39:14I think it is...
39:15It is fact.
39:17And it's exactly that sort of gesture that will see me punish him.
39:21LAUGHTER
39:22The tiller was loose.
39:23We can't punish him for that.
39:24OK, so we will just pause the clock when it broke and then restart it when it was mended.
39:28Yes, because the tiller was loose.
39:29In which case both May and Ivo pierced all five watermelons in under eight minutes.
39:35May, seven minutes and seven seconds.
39:37Ivo, seven minutes and 41 seconds.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:41So, May gets five points.
39:43Ivo, four.
39:43Kael, three.
39:44And Jenny and Frankie share two points each.
39:48APPLAUSE
39:49Let's have a quick look at the scores.
39:51Frankie, I'm afraid you're at the bottom of the table with seven points.
39:53A long way above you is May with 19 points.
39:57APPLAUSE
40:00They can't be caught.
40:02OK, everyone.
40:03Please, make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.
40:07APPLAUSE
40:15Five pots on a stick.
40:17For me.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:21Anyway, let's dance.
40:22I'd like May Martin to read the task, please.
40:25All right.
40:28Throw your items into your bucket.
40:29You must select one item when Alex blows his whistle.
40:33You must then throw that item when Alex blows his whistle again.
40:36If your bucket falls, you are disqualified.
40:39You must stay on your spot and you must not move your spot.
40:42Most items in a standing bucket wins.
40:45Yes, so you will end up throwing all your items.
40:48I'm going to blow the whistle, so please hold up your first item.
40:51WHISTLE BLOWS
40:53WHISTLE BLOWS
40:53Right, we've gone.
40:54Baby, baby, brick.
40:55Book.
40:56Book.
40:57Baby, baby, brick.
40:58Book.
41:01And...
41:02WHISTLE BLOWS
41:04Oh!
41:06Oh!
41:06HURR!
41:09Wow.
41:13That made me want to hump a bard.
41:17So, Ivo 1-0 up with his baby.
41:19You can now select your next item on the whistle.
41:21WHISTLE BLOWS
41:23WHISTLE BLOWS
41:23You cannot change now.
41:25So, it's brick, book, baby.
41:27Brick, brick this time.
41:28Nowhere near as catchy.
41:30WHISTLE BLOWS
41:31WHISTLE BLOWS
41:32WHISTLE BLOWS
41:33Oh!
41:35Yes!
41:37Yes!
41:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:41Who did you throw that brick into that bucket for?
41:44For me.
41:47Please select your next item now.
41:50WHISTLE BLOWS
41:51Whoa, it's first balls.
41:53Ball.
41:54Brush.
41:54Ball.
41:55Baby, baby.
41:57Ready to witness the next round?
41:59Here we go.
42:00And throw.
42:00WHISTLE BLOWS
42:02WHISTLE BLOWS
42:03Oh!
42:05Yes!
42:06Yes!
42:07Me too.
42:08Yes.
42:10I'm just going to say, yes!
42:12All the buckets are still standing.
42:14Yeah.
42:15It's me versus you, Kyle.
42:16No, it's you versus everyone still.
42:18There's nothing.
42:20LAUGHTER
42:20Please select your penultimate item.
42:23WHISTLE BLOWS
42:26WHISTLE BLOWS
42:26We have three balls in play.
42:27It's book, ball, brush, ball, ball.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:31You sound like a malfunctioning robot.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:35Let's play.
42:36OK, good luck, everyone.
42:38WHISTLE BLOWS
42:39Oh!
42:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:48Oh, my God.
42:50Wow.
42:50I've never seen gameplay like that as long as in 15 series.
42:55I resign!
42:56Yeah.
42:58So Ivo killed Kyle, Kyle killed Ivo, May killed themselves, I think.
43:01Is that correct?
43:02Oh, my God.
43:03Somehow, Jenny and Frankie are going to take away the points.
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08It was like reservoir dogs.
43:10LAUGHTER
43:11This is the most exciting I've ever been!
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14It's just Jenny and Frankie to throw.
43:16It's a brush for Frankie.
43:17It's a book for Jenny.
43:18If you get it in and the other doesn't,
43:20you take away five points and four points.
43:22And if this isn't an anti-climax, I'll eat this trophy.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:26LAUGHTER
43:31On my whistle, please try.
43:34WHISTLE BLOWS
43:35LAUGHTER
43:38Sensible from Jenny, but it means they share the five points.
43:41We're done!
43:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:44Come back and we'll see if that's effective.
43:46The final score!
43:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:53They were such naughty boys, I was thrilled by the instinct of Ivo
43:57and by the lightning-quick response of Kyle.
44:00It does, of course, mean that Ivo is now in last place for the episode.
44:03Yeah.
44:04I've been referred to as a bad boy for the first time in my life.
44:06Don't care where I come!
44:08LAUGHTER
44:08It's not all about winning, it's just glory, isn't it, sometimes?
44:11The curse of politeness is lifted!
44:14LAUGHTER
44:15So Ivo in last place in the end.
44:17Jenny, you're in second place, but the winner of the first episode
44:20is May Martin with 19 points!
44:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:24May Martin wins!
44:26Please both collect your dependable kilos!
44:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:31Week one complete.
44:33See you all next time, but for now, let's applaud once more
44:35our winner, May Martin!
44:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:50MUSIC
44:57APPLAUSE
45:01MUSIC
45:06MUSIC
45:07MUSIC
45:08MUSIC
45:08MUSIC
45:08MUSIC
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