- 17 hours ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 6
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Do you know anything more stupid?
00:01If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:03But not us.
00:04I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own life.
00:07I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:08I'm brilliant at this.
00:09I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:11Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:12We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:16As someone who has received bad reviews,
00:18I will always try to look to the good.
00:19So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
00:21They were so busy typing in their phone only
00:23that they forgot to look out.
00:25And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
00:27Come closer. It's nothing to be afraid of.
00:30My review is 100 stars.
00:32But will this journey of salvation be a five-star fun fest?
00:36I'm an absolute killer.
00:39Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
00:55Yeah.
00:55Benidorm, baby.
00:56But you've been here before.
00:58Yeah, I came when I was 18.
00:59Any stories? Any news?
01:01I don't know what I can repeat.
01:02A lot of the things I've seen.
01:05Things I've seen in Benidorm.
01:07I'm expecting our trip to be cheap, cheerful,
01:10lots of characters who know how to have a good time.
01:13That pub over there, look.
01:15Two euros for an amp store.
01:17That's cheaper than a latte.
01:19I've heard lots about it and its reputation.
01:22But I know lots of people, older people who go.
01:24So I've sort of come with an open mind.
01:26An open mind, an open heart, and a very tight handle on myself.
01:33Benidorm, the ultimate party town.
01:35The jewel in the crown of the Costa del Get On It.
01:40There are 32 British pubs and more skyscrapers per person than anywhere else in the world.
01:46But is there anything here for two ladies in their 40s, one vegan, one teetotal, to have large?
01:52Here we go.
01:53This is us.
01:57Aquarium 2.
01:58This is it.
01:59Don't call it a comeback.
02:02I've got reviews.
02:03Hit me.
02:04Everything about this apartment screams, someone please burn me with fire.
02:09We expected to be able to cook basic lunches, but honestly, don't bother.
02:11It was so vile.
02:12I chanced warming up a Burger King in the microwave.
02:15OK, I'm judging this person.
02:16That's on them. Yeah, that's a mad choice.
02:17OK, let's go. Find out.
02:19Time to test the aquarium waters ourselves.
02:21Oh, nice lobby.
02:23Forbidden to walk with wet feed.
02:26But I always walk with wet feed.
02:28It's forbidden to use the lifts as well.
02:30It's been a crime here.
02:31What floor are we on?
02:3314, is it?
02:34Are you serious?
02:35Oh, no, there is another lift. Thank God.
02:41How bad is this going to be?
02:44Do you know, lady?
02:46Oh, !
02:46That's a little bit frightening, but...
02:48OK.
02:49I nearly had a full-on panic attack.
02:52I'm looking for H.
02:54E-F.
02:55Oh.
02:57Well, we'll just presume it's H, I guess.
02:59It doesn't even have a handle.
03:01This better be the right door.
03:03If someone's in bed.
03:04Oh, God.
03:04If someone's in the shower.
03:07Oh, really?
03:11I mean, it looks all right.
03:13It's depressing.
03:13If you're coming here, you're probably going out, drinking, getting in.
03:18You've got a washing machine to wash the vomit off your clothes.
03:21You've got the fridge.
03:22The fridge for your beers.
03:23Sometimes you sit down too vigorously.
03:25So what?
03:28Our place in the sun for the next two days is this charming 1990s two-bed, one-bedroom property,
03:34boasting exposed vintage pipework and bathroom wall, complete with dry snot effect wallpaper.
03:42It's compact, it's roasting, it's clean-ish.
03:47I think the toilet lamp is my favourite.
03:52Oh, that is a heavy...
03:53Well, I won't be able to open that.
03:54It's good because it means that no one can come in.
03:57The cracks in the balcony over there make me a bit edgy.
04:00Let's not go over there.
04:01The review did say it was character building.
04:03Yes.
04:04But it does look so lovely.
04:05Yeah.
04:06I feel very holiday-y now.
04:08What are you looking forward to on the itinerary?
04:10Well, I never had a hen do when I got married, so I would be quite excited about gate crashing
04:15someone else's hen do.
04:16Oh, my God.
04:17See what the chicks get up to out here.
04:19I think this is a place where adventures happen.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Isn't it?
04:23Yeah.
04:23People are away from home.
04:24Yeah.
04:24What happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm.
04:27That's why Vegas got the idea.
04:30Now, let's get out there and hit the town.
04:34That's if our dodgy lift ever arrives.
04:37I mean, when are we going to accept when I have to walk down the stairs?
04:41Well, one of them must have come, doesn't it?
04:43We've been here for ten minutes, Sarah.
04:47This would be dangerous if I was pissed, which I'd like to be.
04:52At least we get a nice tour of the hotel.
04:54Oh, yeah.
04:56I mean, I don't think we anticipated this bit at all.
05:00Who knew that our first day in Benidorm would be leg day?
05:05Okay, here we go.
05:06Reception.
05:08Well, that was hellish.
05:09Half hour of TV we weren't expecting to film.
05:11I forgot my sunglasses.
05:13I'll see you in a sec.
05:15Well, we've definitely got our steps in, so I've signed us up for a Segway sightseeing tour.
05:21One reviewer has complained that the equipment was old and in disrepair.
05:25Sounds like mine.
05:26I'm excited about this.
05:28I'm sort of excited, but I've got a feeling.
05:29Have you done it before?
05:30No.
05:30Have you not?
05:31But I've always wanted to be on a stag do.
05:32And this is what stag do's do.
05:35Ooh, well, we handcuff each other to a lamppost and get a lap dance.
05:38Nice to meet you.
05:39I'm Kay.
05:39Nice to meet you.
05:40We'll probably just do what this guy tells us.
05:42So, have you been on them before?
05:44You know what to do, how to do?
05:45How we have it.
05:45We're a Segway version.
05:46Basically, it's everything about your balance, all right?
05:48So, once the machine is activated, you just need to lean slightly forwards to go, to lean
05:52slightly backwards to slow down.
05:54Like Michael Jackson.
05:55Exactly.
05:55This is the...
05:56But he died it.
05:57We will not.
06:00The reason I wanted to do a Segway tour is because it's a quick way of seeing more
06:05of Benidorm.
06:06One, two, three.
06:07And also, I'm an old tour guide.
06:09So, I always want, you know, to meet the local tour guides and to learn things that
06:13way.
06:13It's like you just think of moving and you move.
06:16We didn't know if we were going to be any good at it.
06:18Incoming!
06:19Incoming!
06:19Collusion, collusion.
06:20We've never, ever, either of us been able to tell our left and right or be in charge of
06:24any machinery.
06:27Woo!
06:27I haven't gone backwards yet.
06:28Get out of my way!
06:29Be very careful, okay?
06:34All right.
06:35Always remember, do not be overconfident, okay?
06:38Talking to the wrong women.
06:39Talking to the wrong women.
06:40Yeah, overconfident, do not try to be...
06:41Overconfidence, how we got this show, okay?
06:45It's staggered clock, baby.
06:54And now we're getting into the natural part.
06:56Lean forward a little bit more.
06:57Lean forward a little bit more.
06:58Lean forward, take a bit more of speed, more of speed.
07:00Go very fast now.
07:01Perfect, perfect.
07:02Go very fast now.
07:03Beautiful.
07:04I'm not even looking at the view.
07:05I'm concentrating too much.
07:09Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.
07:12Beautiful views from here.
07:13You can see all Benidorm on your right-hand side, the Benidorm Island, just in front of you.
07:18This is White Lotus, not White Lightning.
07:21This is, I'll be honest, not at all what I was expecting Benidorm to be like.
07:26Oh, I'm completely converted.
07:28Yeah.
07:29Try to keep just over here, but not so.
07:32Oh, yes.
07:32Do you know the guy who invented segues?
07:33He died going off a cliff.
07:35Yeah.
07:35Are you serious?
07:36Yes.
07:37Well, what a place to tell me, Sarah.
07:39What a place to tell me.
07:41Has anyone ever proposed on a segway?
07:45On a segway?
07:47I don't know, maybe.
07:48Would you like someone to propose to you on a segway, Raj?
07:50I think if it's a no, you've got to, you know, at least, so imagine, I'll ask you and you
07:54say no.
07:55Okay.
07:56Will you marry me, Sarah?
07:57I don't think so, no.
07:59At least you haven't got the shame of having to be, you can just get away quite fast.
08:03Unless they're like, let me tell you my reasons.
08:05I think you've got a body odor problem.
08:07And then they'll clear off, you know.
08:10This point is mythical.
08:12It's a very historical point.
08:14Our guide is like a very, very on it dad.
08:19We have this inclination because of the collision of the Tytonic Lake.
08:22I don't know if the stags get as much historical context as we got.
08:25There's lots of chat about volcanic stuff.
08:30This used to be the same rock.
08:32I learned so much more than I wanted to.
08:34I mean, this guy could teach geography A-level definitely.
08:38I love it here.
08:40I love the segway.
08:41But it has had a bad review.
08:43Can you believe it?
08:43Yeah.
08:44Segway tours.
08:44Do you want to hear this?
08:45I'm glad I've experienced it first.
08:46Yeah.
08:47All right.
08:48One star.
08:48Did not like.
08:49Tell a point.
08:50When we finished the tour, the guide asked 101 times to give a good review.
08:55I think this is wrong and very intrusive.
08:57So everyone looks at, you know, reviews.
09:00So the guy said, can you give me a good review?
09:02And they've given him a bad review because of that.
09:04That's the worst.
09:05I'd give him five stars.
09:08Yeah.
09:09For the mythology.
09:10And also he taught us how to ride segways.
09:12We couldn't walk in a line earlier.
09:13No.
09:14He's family now.
09:15You want to take him on, you're taking us on.
09:18Benidorm has gone through the roof points-wise.
09:21The scoreboard has absolutely blown up with the segway tour.
09:25My review, honest review, capital letters, absolutely amazing.
09:30Didn't want it to end.
09:31You don't need to be drunk.
09:34And the selfie.
09:35Hey, hey, hey.
09:39Love it.
09:40It's dangerous because you could feel like a bit omnipresent.
09:42That you could just show up to your enemy as like,
09:45heard you've been chatting shit.
09:50See, that's what happens.
09:52Hmm.
09:54I don't know how to get on it on my own.
10:00Is there another Benidorm where sophisticated business ladies can holiday in style?
10:05We've cancelled our tickets to the bare knuckle boxing and decided on an alfresco dinner.
10:10So we're browsing Benidorm's answer to a farmer's market for the finest ingredients.
10:15Ooh.
10:18You know what? I'm having for dinner.
10:19Are they going to fill you up?
10:21Do you get anything else?
10:21They never fill you up.
10:23And I'm determined to broaden my culinary horizons.
10:26Pot noodles.
10:28Look, I've never had a pot noodle.
10:29Are you joking?
10:30No.
10:30Do you want this one?
10:31I think that's the best flavour.
10:32Yeah, go on then.
10:33You don't mind a little bit of milk powder.
10:35There's rice.
10:36We don't want to cook.
10:37Because that's sort of what you do when you go to Spain.
10:39You don't have big hot dinners.
10:40Do you have, like...
10:41I always used to just have, like...
10:42Fags.
10:43Have a fag and a beer.
10:45Blue meat crisps.
10:47Blue meat, not blue meat.
10:51OK.
10:51I don't know what meat people like.
10:53Chips and pizza crisps.
10:54Yeah, there you go.
10:56That looks good.
10:57Yeah, really good.
10:58This is living.
11:01Hola.
11:02Hello.
11:03Hola.
11:04My first pot noodle.
11:05I can't believe that.
11:07I know.
11:07Isn't it wild?
11:08Is it your first dick knowledge?
11:10Come off it.
11:13There you go.
11:14How much, please?
11:1581.50, please.
11:1681.
11:17We're playing the 100 quid, huh?
11:18Christmas.
11:20Do you want anything back?
11:22Not this.
11:23OK, then we're buying it all.
11:26I got it.
11:27I got it.
11:29I would have bought a bigger bag
11:31if I thought we were going to get that big a mes, eh?
11:33Yeah.
11:3514 flights of stairs later,
11:37we're back in our kitchenette
11:38and it's time to get our Nigella on.
11:40Roasting, I'm going to do the first ever pot noodle,
11:44but there's no kettle.
11:47I think it's destiny.
11:48I'm never meant to taste them.
11:49Oh, found one.
11:50Oh, damn it.
11:51It does look very...
11:52I thought I heard it better than that.
11:53It's very dirty.
11:55Sorry.
11:56Yeah, that's no good.
11:57I'll just do water with a saucepan instead.
12:00That'll be better.
12:02Oh.
12:03It's dirty.
12:03It feels disgusting.
12:05We haven't washed it.
12:06No.
12:07Give enough of it.
12:08Also, I mean, this cooker's all smashed.
12:10I don't even...
12:10Oh, God.
12:11Sarah, put it back.
12:12I don't even know how you do that.
12:13First rule of Benidorm.
12:14Don't open the cupboards,
12:15don't look in the pots,
12:16don't lift the marble surfaces.
12:18Don't try and cook anything.
12:19We've got a nice mes, eh?
12:20Yeah.
12:23If there was something we were drunk
12:24when we went shopping,
12:25it looks insane.
12:26It does look like a decision
12:27someone else made for us.
12:30This cheese isn't my favourite.
12:32No.
12:33I've not really had bad cheese.
12:35And that's the first time
12:36I've had bad cheese.
12:38Wow.
12:38Do you think that's also been here
12:39for ten years, then, maybe?
12:40I think so.
12:42No-one's bought much of any.
12:43That shopkeeper was like,
12:44these are all prop foods.
12:46No-one's ever bought any.
12:47People have only ever gone to the cider.
12:50What are these women doing?
12:53Do you know what?
12:54It's not a five-star hotel.
12:55No.
12:55But it's all sort of working in our favour.
12:57All the things that are really fun
12:58about going on holiday,
12:59you don't need to go to a five-star hotel
13:01to have those things.
13:02In terms of, like,
13:03being with the people that you care about,
13:05looking for adventures,
13:06trying new things.
13:07Sometimes a five-star hotel
13:08is too comfortable.
13:10They wouldn't let you in.
13:11They'd confiscate it.
13:12They'd say,
13:12you tacky bitch,
13:14throw it in the bin as you go in.
13:16And I'd say, no thanks.
13:17No thanks.
13:22It's a beautiful morning in Benidorm,
13:24and after our intimate soiree last night,
13:26I've decided we need to go where the action is.
13:31Wow, it's busy.
13:32It's very busy.
13:33First thing in the morning.
13:35I brought us to the town's worst-reviewed beach.
13:38Why not?
13:39You only live once.
13:45I'll put a little chair up for you.
13:48Then you can sit in the shade.
13:51Like a happy little Irish potato.
13:53There you go.
13:57It's very soft sand.
13:59I'm not mad about sand,
14:00but if I had to get involved in it,
14:01this isn't bad.
14:02That's why all these people come here.
14:03It's a lovely beach.
14:05You only have to share it
14:06with one or two million people.
14:08Right, Sarah,
14:09do you want some reviews for this beach?
14:11I bet they're all just five stars,
14:12this is heaven, aren't they?
14:13Let's see.
14:14Mobile internet are not working here.
14:17Lots of people on a beach.
14:19Right, okay.
14:20So many people, no Wi-Fi.
14:22One star.
14:23One star, that's harsh.
14:25What, because of other people?
14:26Talk to the people,
14:28you don't need the internet.
14:29I'll tell you where there's loads of people,
14:30online.
14:31If you like a really busy,
14:33lively-ish beach,
14:35this isn't bad.
14:36Yeah.
14:37It's not IB for lively,
14:38like no-one's sort of dancing around.
14:40It's friendly northerners going,
14:41what part of Macclesfield are you from?
14:43Yeah.
14:43Yeah.
14:45For some reason,
14:46I'm feeling adventurous.
14:48And that reason is,
14:49I've been handed a leaflet
14:50about novelty water sports
14:52by a man called Carlos.
14:54I think I know what you're going to say.
14:56Hmm.
14:57There's something called a crazy sofa,
14:58and I think I'd like to have a go on it,
15:00if you'd like to have a go.
15:02This is where
15:03our paths divide, Sarah.
15:05There is room for more than one person.
15:07You go out there.
15:08Do you mind?
15:08You love it, you love the sun.
15:09Would you be right here by yourself?
15:10Yeah, I've got a book.
15:12You've colour-coordinated your book?
15:14Yeah.
15:16Did you get a stylist to go to the library?
15:18Absolutely.
15:20The crazy sofa ride
15:22is a classic stag and hen do activity.
15:25In many ways,
15:26the ultimate Benidorm water sport.
15:28Fast and furious
15:29meets furniture village.
15:35I don't think the man in the office
15:37had ever had a solo booking before.
15:39The stags and hens were all still asleep,
15:42but that just means
15:42there's more room for me
15:44to definitely not feel self-conscious.
15:46This is going to be wonderful.
15:48I can just feel it.
15:49Roisin will be really jealous
15:50when she finds out.
15:53Ah.
15:54I've looked at some reviews.
15:56The activity was a little scary.
15:58Sensitive souls should refrain.
16:00If you like really strong sensations,
16:03go for it.
16:05One star.
16:07Oh.
16:08OK.
16:09Oh, oh.
16:10This is very thrilling.
16:12Oh.
16:12I wonder what Roisin's doing.
16:14I bet she's bored.
16:17Got a nice coffee.
16:18It's a lovely breeze.
16:20Oh.
16:23I'm gripping up for dear life.
16:25Oh, oh.
16:26It's a high-five.
16:27They literally bought everything from Essex
16:29to put it in Benadol.
16:30Ah!
16:31Woo!
16:32Woo!
16:33Woo!
16:34Woo!
16:35Water's lovely.
16:37It is different also
16:39being on your own on a beach.
16:40You look like a killer,
16:41a spy,
16:42or you're going for
16:43a really big divorce.
16:44In this outfit,
16:46I look like
16:47I've got the money,
16:48but I'm heartbroken.
16:53Just a 44-year-old woman
16:55on a crazy sofa for herself.
16:58I thought it was only
16:59going to last 12 minutes.
17:00We've been out here
17:01for three hours.
17:04Sure, I've had fun,
17:05but I can't feel
17:06my bum cheeks anymore.
17:07It's time for this fishy
17:08to get reeled in.
17:11I feel like I've been
17:12in a washing machine.
17:15Accidentally tumble-dried myself.
17:17It was really fun.
17:18This is the kind of thing
17:19I might have done
17:20had I had a hen-do
17:21when I got married.
17:23And if I ever get married again,
17:24I'm definitely booking.
17:27Hi.
17:30Yeah, that's what you need
17:30when you're on a banana boat.
17:31Someone going,
17:32Tossa!
17:36I have returned from the sea
17:37in need of sustenance
17:38and a gal pal's get-together.
17:40And I've heard
17:41that there's a lunch
17:41happening nearby
17:42for sophisticated ladies
17:43like us.
17:45I'm excited about this.
17:46I'm excited about,
17:48what's their name?
17:49Ding Dong Val.
17:50Ding Dong Val.
17:51Best name you've ever heard.
17:52I'd love it
17:52if people called me
17:52Ding Dong Sarah.
17:53Don't you worry,
17:54we do, we do.
17:56We're going off
17:57to meet Ding Dong Val.
17:58That's her name.
17:59I don't know
17:59why she's called that.
18:00I know she's got
18:01a little lunch
18:01organised for some local friends.
18:03We can ask them
18:03about Benadour
18:04and whether it's nice
18:04to live here.
18:06It should be
18:06a nice quiet morning.
18:13This isn't a lunch
18:14or she's a rally.
18:20Hello, nice to meet you.
18:22Hello, Sarah.
18:24It was absolutely insane.
18:27We joined,
18:28I don't want to exaggerate,
18:29900 women.
18:30It was a club.
18:31We went to like
18:32a lunch club.
18:34How often do you
18:35have these lunches, Dave?
18:36Every second Friday normally.
18:37Are they always
18:38as busy as this?
18:39So, initially,
18:40it was just like
18:41half a dozen of us
18:42went out for lunch
18:43and then people would say,
18:45can I join?
18:46Now, there's 406
18:48on the group, I think.
18:49Oh!
18:50It's called
18:51Ding Dong Val's
18:52Ladies Lunch
18:52and Social Events.
18:54OK.
18:54So, why do people
18:55call you Ding Dong Val?
18:56Well, I'm a cosmetic seller.
18:59Cosmetic seller?
19:00Ding Dong, Avon Lady, yeah.
19:02In the last two years,
19:03I've been number one
19:04in the country.
19:05Congratulations.
19:06So, I beat all the Spanish.
19:08Yeah.
19:08Do you sell to these women
19:09as well?
19:09Yeah, not all of them,
19:11but a majority,
19:11if I have anything
19:12to do with it.
19:14Come for the friendship,
19:15leave with the mascara.
19:18Val's worked damn hard
19:20to get to the number one spot
19:21in this country
19:22for selling Avon,
19:23and she's an incredibly
19:25charming person.
19:26It's dry body oil.
19:27You put it on,
19:27makes your skin lovely.
19:29She slips into her sales pitch
19:30so naturally,
19:32so elegantly.
19:33It's lucky I didn't
19:33bring my debit card.
19:34Do you go out
19:35without your make-up?
19:36Oh, yeah.
19:36Do you?
19:37Yeah.
19:37I mean, I wish
19:38you were so horrified.
19:39Do you?
19:43Hello, everyone.
19:44How you doing?
19:45I want to join this gang.
19:48I thought it was really sweet
19:49that all these women
19:50have moved out here
19:51away from home
19:52and they do these lunches
19:53every couple of weeks.
19:54Of course,
19:54Ding Dong Val
19:55sells them a lot of make-up.
19:57Are you all friends
19:57of Ding Dong Val?
19:59Yeah.
19:59Wow.
20:00She gave me a few ideas,
20:01actually,
20:01because I've got a lot of friends
20:02and I think they could be
20:03paying a bit more for my time.
20:04Next time Sarah texts me,
20:06fancy a curry,
20:06I'll be like,
20:07£11 and a mascara
20:08and I might show up
20:09by one of my DVDs.
20:14Do you think there's
20:15more community here
20:16with stuff like this
20:17than there is in the UK?
20:19There's more stuff?
20:20There's more free time here.
20:21In the UK,
20:22people do visit working
20:24or if they are pensioners,
20:26there is smaller groups
20:27or there's old people's homes
20:29where they get together
20:30whereas here,
20:30everybody looks after
20:31everybody else,
20:32don't they really?
20:33Everything's an old people's home.
20:35The white wine fumes
20:37have got to me.
20:37I'm about to go rogue.
20:41Ladies and gentlemen.
20:43So ladies.
20:44Ladies.
20:44Just ladies.
20:46Ladies.
20:47Sarah would like
20:48to make a speech.
20:49Oh.
20:51Thank you so much,
20:53Roisin.
20:54We just wanted to say
20:55what a lovely community
20:56this seems like
20:57and how much fun
20:58you're all having.
20:59Thank you for having us
21:00be part of it.
21:02To Ding Dong Bow.
21:03Ding Dong Bow.
21:08It's time to leave
21:09before the inevitable
21:10fight club begins.
21:11Thank you so much.
21:12Come on, we'll never get out
21:13otherwise.
21:18We've left Ding Dong Bows
21:19with full tummies,
21:20inspiration
21:21and a really good deal
21:22on some eyeshadow.
21:23So now we've decided
21:24to spread our wings
21:25and hit Benidorm's
21:27world famous
21:27Calle Jorona,
21:29a.k.a.
21:30The Strip.
21:32It's our first night
21:33out in Benidorm,
21:33so we're going to go crazy
21:35within limits.
21:36We're going to go crazy
21:37at a darts tournament.
21:39Sport.
21:40Sport.
21:40Lads.
21:41We've been around
21:41so many women.
21:42My God, you're right.
21:43Now we need some testosterone.
21:45Look at that.
21:49Just along from an area
21:50known to locals
21:51as English Square
21:51is Sue's Darts Bar.
21:55It's been described online
21:56as a shambles
21:57of a darts bar,
21:58so we think it'll be
21:59perfect for us.
22:01To be fair,
22:02we've got no idea
22:02what a well-organised
22:03darts bar's like.
22:05Ladies and gentlemen,
22:07welcome to the
22:07world-famous
22:08Sue's Darts Bar.
22:11Before we step up
22:12ourselves,
22:12we've got a chance
22:13to check out
22:14the competition.
22:15I think we can
22:16take them.
22:16Do you?
22:17Yeah.
22:18I'm not feeling
22:19very confident,
22:19Mosheen.
22:20That's what they want.
22:20They're trying to
22:21psych us out.
22:22They're trying to
22:22psych us out
22:23by doing good.
22:24Yeah, that's what
22:25they're doing.
22:25They're playing
22:26darts well,
22:28so that we think
22:29they can play
22:29darts well.
22:30I'm not going to
22:31put them all for it.
22:32I won't.
22:33After all,
22:34how good could our
22:34opponents be
22:35in a shambles
22:36of a darts bar?
22:37I've played
22:38country darts
22:38for Lincolnshire
22:39for about 15 years
22:40and I'm
22:41absolutely awesome.
22:45Oh, no.
22:49Ladies and gentlemen,
22:50please welcome
22:51to the stage
22:52Grosin,
22:53the gunslinger
22:55Kennedy.
22:59Pow, pow, pow.
23:01And Steve
23:03the man
23:04Hamill.
23:05OK, well,
23:05I beat him on nicknames.
23:07Going in,
23:07I knew we wanted
23:08to destroy them.
23:09But when your
23:10competitor gets up
23:11and he's wearing
23:11a t-shirt with
23:12his own name
23:13on the front,
23:13you know you're
23:14in trouble.
23:16Grosin,
23:16it's row first.
23:17Come on,
23:18Grosin.
23:19Woo!
23:19Roshi!
23:20Roshi!
23:21Roshi!
23:23I don't need
23:24that.
23:24They're very
23:25serious darts
23:26players and
23:27they didn't
23:27sort of like,
23:27they weren't
23:28patronising,
23:28they were sort
23:29of like,
23:29not letting
23:29us off the
23:30hook.
23:31That was,
23:31what is that?
23:33120.
23:38Trouble with
23:38Steve is,
23:39not only is he
23:39good at darts,
23:40he's a nice guy.
23:41That's your
23:41kryptonite.
23:41I know,
23:42so you need
23:43to start
23:43pretending he's
23:43an ex,
23:44he's someone
23:44we don't like,
23:45it's Trump.
23:46Think of him
23:46as a bad man.
23:48I heard he's
23:49not kind to
23:49his cat,
23:50just go with
23:51that.
23:55I'm really
23:55hoping I'm
23:56better at darts
23:57than I am
23:57at pep talks.
23:59And the match.
24:00Steve Hamill.
24:01Well done,
24:01Steve,
24:02well done,
24:03well done.
24:05It's time
24:05for me to
24:06salvage our
24:07honour.
24:07Go on,
24:08Sarah.
24:08So I picked
24:09up those darts,
24:11here I
24:11was in front
24:12of the dartboard,
24:13a sport I
24:14don't know.
24:15Watch this,
24:16everybody.
24:16But felt like
24:17I was finally
24:18home.
24:20And it
24:21turns out
24:21I'm not
24:22terrible.
24:2379 scores.
24:24Yay!
24:30Thank you,
24:31my friend.
24:31Punishing.
24:32Punishing.
24:34I feel like
24:34a showbiz mum.
24:37Roisin got
24:38the crowd
24:38behind me.
24:41I feel good.
24:47It seemed like
24:48my new fan club
24:49were distracting
24:50my nemesis.
24:51Sorry,
24:51that four left.
24:52Double two down
24:53there, right?
24:54Maybe it's the
24:55vino blanco
24:55talking.
24:56Oh, my God.
24:57But am I about
24:58to become the new
24:59king of Sue's
25:00darts bar?
25:01Go on,
25:02Sam.
25:06No score,
25:07sorry.
25:07I am not.
25:12We got a winner.
25:13Yay!
25:14Shot.
25:16I lost,
25:17I had a lot
25:17of fun.
25:18I really like
25:19the energy of this
25:20place.
25:21It's a mixture of
25:21people who live in
25:22Benidorm,
25:22people who are here
25:23on holidays.
25:23They all love darts.
25:25I couldn't help
25:25but get overwhelmed
25:26by that,
25:26carried away
25:27with their passion.
25:27I'm giving it
25:284.5 out of 5.
25:32Should have been
25:33more nibbles.
25:34It's my only
25:34criticism.
25:39We're in Benidorm
25:40and after spending
25:41most of yesterday
25:42large in it,
25:43we've decided to
25:44head out of town
25:45for today.
25:46Benidorm's great
25:47but we're not here
25:47to party,
25:48we're here to be
25:49cultured.
25:49We are here to
25:49party a little bit.
25:50All right,
25:51okay.
25:52But let's get
25:52some culture today.
25:53We are going to
25:55torture museum.
25:56Torture museum.
26:11We're off to the
26:12picturesque village
26:13of Guadaless,
26:14home to the
26:15region's only
26:16torture museum.
26:19With reviews like
26:20this,
26:20we have to take
26:21a look.
26:22No pain,
26:23no gain.
26:25Do you think
26:26it would be like
26:26London dungeons
26:27then going to
26:28this torture museum?
26:30Out of work
26:30for Spanish actors.
26:32I absolutely
26:32hope so.
26:34I would tour the
26:35world watching
26:36people who've been
26:37to drama school
26:37pretend to be
26:38from the olden
26:39days.
26:39Only if in the
26:40torture sense as
26:41well.
26:42Oh, yeah.
26:43If they're not in
26:43the stocks,
26:44I don't want to
26:44know.
26:46I say that because
26:46I've worked at
26:47these attractions
26:47in London.
26:48Where did you
26:49work?
26:49London Bridge
26:49Experience,
26:50the enemy of
26:51the London dungeon
26:52and we outlived
26:53them.
26:53Come on,
26:54give us a bit.
26:55The year is
26:5890 BC.
27:00My name is
27:01Boudicca.
27:02Say my name,
27:03Boudicca.
27:05I was the
27:07queen of the
27:07Iceni tribe.
27:08The Romans
27:09tried to take
27:09my land.
27:11I got my
27:12revenge.
27:13Sounds like real
27:13housewives.
27:14Yeah.
27:17In the tiny
27:18village of
27:18Guadalest,
27:19there are only
27:20250 permanent
27:21residents but no
27:23fewer than nine
27:24museums.
27:29There are so many
27:30museums that we've
27:32run into one
27:32straight away.
27:33Here we are.
27:35The Salt and
27:36Pepper Shaker
27:37Museum.
27:37I hope the queue
27:38to get in isn't
27:39too long.
27:40Warming up.
27:40Warming up for
27:41the torture.
27:46Oh, God,
27:47hellish noise.
27:49Zero stars.
27:53I was sort of
27:53hoping it would
27:54be about Salt and
27:55Pepper.
27:55The trio.
27:57The hip-hop.
27:57The rap band?
27:58Can you call them
27:58that?
27:59You can if you're
28:00a white middle-aged
28:00woman.
28:02I got bored
28:04instantly with some
28:05of the shittest
28:05Salt and Pepper
28:06Shakers I've ever
28:07seen.
28:07I'm talking worse
28:08than charity shops.
28:10I'm talking they
28:12should go into an
28:12Oliver Boner,
28:13they'd lose their
28:13minds.
28:15The Salt and
28:15Pepper Shaker
28:16Museum is one
28:17of only three
28:18Salt and Pepper
28:18Shaker Museums
28:19in the world,
28:20believe it or
28:21not, and it is
28:22a collection of a
28:22woman called
28:22Andrea from
28:23Belgium.
28:24Good for you,
28:25Andrea.
28:26Life's not a
28:26rehearsal.
28:28What makes a
28:29museum different
28:30from a room of
28:30stuff?
28:32Well, the
28:33arrogance to
28:33call it a
28:34museum.
28:35Right, so it's
28:35just what you
28:36label it.
28:37Yeah, I mean,
28:37on a different
28:38channel, this is
28:39hoarders.
28:42I'm sort of
28:43fascinated by it.
28:44Are you?
28:44Yeah.
28:46I'm not.
28:47Roisin's reaction
28:47to the Salt and
28:48Pepper Shakers has
28:49made me sort of not
28:50trust her, actually.
28:51Next time she comes
28:52to a show and tells
28:53me that it was
28:53really great, I'll
28:54be like, salt and
28:55pepper great?
28:57We're going to the
28:58Torch Museum.
28:58Going to the Torch
28:59Museum.
29:00You big creep.
29:06That is unbelievable.
29:08I never thought it
29:08was anywhere near
29:09Benidorm.
29:10Maybe I could live
29:11here then.
29:13Buses, though, I don't
29:13drive.
29:14I'll have to check the
29:14buses.
29:15Yeah.
29:16Well, segue.
29:17I'll have to work at
29:17that museum.
29:18Yeah.
29:19Here it is.
29:20Torch Museum.
29:21Look at you, you're
29:21nearly skipping, you
29:22sicko.
29:23I'm so excited.
29:24I bet there's no
29:24salt and pepper shakers
29:25in here.
29:26Well, it smells
29:27lovely, not
29:28torturing at all.
29:29Well, within our
29:30budget of five euros
29:32each, this creepy
29:33place in the shade
29:34boasts several lounge
29:35areas with seating
29:37options like shaming
29:38barrel, spiky deck
29:39chair or this anal
29:41pyramid if you're
29:42into Satan worship.
29:44This statement one
29:46bed will give you
29:46nightmares for weeks.
29:49Do you want to hear
29:50some bed reviews?
29:51Hit me.
29:52The real torture is
29:53paying to see this
29:54museum.
29:55It is shabby and
29:56scarce.
29:57You can finish it in
29:58ten minutes and they
29:58charge you five
29:59euros.
29:59How much torture did
30:01they want?
30:01Sorry, there wasn't
30:02enough torture.
30:03I want four hours of
30:04pure devilment.
30:06Yeah, also, I don't
30:07want a museum that
30:07lasts more than ten
30:08minutes.
30:08No one does.
30:09No.
30:10Oh, the owners
30:11responded.
30:12What's he say?
30:13Torture is putting up
30:14with clients like you.
30:17It's unprofessional,
30:17isn't it?
30:18I don't think so.
30:20I think we've all had
30:21comments under our
30:22stuff where you want
30:23to comment back and
30:24he's probably had a
30:24glass of wine and
30:25just...
30:25He forgot he even
30:26did that.
30:27Yeah.
30:29Well, I guess it's
30:30torture time.
30:31This is an electric
30:32chair.
30:32They let kids in
30:33here.
30:33That's a colander
30:34behind you, my love
30:35of a shower hose,
30:35isn't it?
30:35Yeah, but it's nice
30:36to have a sit down.
30:37Someone's husband or
30:38wife's like, how am I
30:39going to rinse this
30:40bath stuff?
30:44Is it weird to say
30:45it suits you?
30:47I'll take a compliment.
30:48Sarah, I don't want you
30:48to take this the wrong
30:49way, but you suit it.
30:51It's a shame I'm about
30:51to be killed.
30:54Oh, dear.
30:57Oh, dear.
30:58Stretching rack.
31:00Spanish Inquisition.
31:01This is classic Spanish
31:02history.
31:04Yeah.
31:05I mean, I'm not good at
31:06secrets at the best of
31:06times.
31:07I'll be like, what do you
31:08want to know?
31:08Don't put me in it.
31:10Get me a glass of white
31:10wine, I'll tell you
31:11everything.
31:15Who's in my garden?
31:17I think all windows
31:18should have armrests.
31:20The thing is, you look
31:21really comfy there, not
31:22like you're being
31:22tortured.
31:23That's how they get
31:24you.
31:24It feels so comfortable
31:26and then you're dead.
31:29Someone's given me a
31:29weapon.
31:30Found it.
31:31That seems dangerous.
31:34Take a photo of me and
31:35I'll send it to the boys.
31:36Once it really fit, like
31:37Instagram.
31:38Yeah, you do look really
31:39fit.
31:39Do you know why?
31:40The red matches your
31:41lipstick.
31:41You're looking like
31:42you're having too much
31:42fun.
31:43Pretend you're sitting at
31:44a wedding by yourself
31:45and that's your outfit.
31:46That is torture.
31:48OK, let's go.
31:49I am going to find
31:49somewhere to put this.
31:52You brought that
31:52yourself.
31:53Why are you bringing
31:53it back in there?
32:01It's day three in
32:02Benidorm and finally time
32:04to have the hen-do I
32:05never had by gate
32:06crashing someone else's.
32:08Hen-do's come to
32:09Benidorm and I never
32:11had a hen-do when I got
32:12married so it was really
32:13exciting to me the
32:14opportunity to gate crash
32:15one.
32:15Hello.
32:16After some drunken
32:17texts, we locate our
32:19premarital party posse.
32:20Hello, everyone.
32:22Molly.
32:22I'm Molly, the bride.
32:24It was classic hen-do.
32:26You know, loud, dicks in
32:28glasses, you know, off,
32:30off, off kind of vibes.
32:32But what made you come to
32:33Benidorm for your hen-do?
32:34We just want it in some way,
32:35you know, it's like pure
32:38cringe.
32:39Yeah.
32:40Crash.
32:41Crinking.
32:42And here we are.
32:43And here we are.
32:44And so what is it, like
32:45activities, then drinking,
32:46dancing, are you going to go
32:48for meals?
32:48Is it all drinking?
32:49Yeah.
32:49As soon as I met the
32:50hens, it became clear we
32:51were out of adept.
32:52I've definitely got pre-wedding
32:54nerves.
32:55The hens have assured us that
32:56this event is the tamest thing
32:58they've got planned, an
32:59hour's gentle life-drawing
33:01class.
33:01Let's draw some willies.
33:07For Molly and Darren.
33:09Cheers.
33:11Oh, yes.
33:12Cheers.
33:14Molly, what did you say
33:16when I asked you?
33:16You said Benidorm was...
33:18Shit, but it's good shit.
33:21It's a great line.
33:23It's a great line.
33:24Have you seen other hen-dos?
33:26Uh, yes.
33:28We've seen so many.
33:29So many hens, so many stags.
33:31And what's the vibe when
33:32you see a rival hen?
33:33Everyone is majorly over-the-top
33:37trash.
33:38It's what we love.
33:39That's so good.
33:41Bring in the penis now.
33:42We're ready.
33:48Magical.
33:51I'm so intrigued by the
33:52holding the hair.
33:55What I think's happened is
33:56people have forgotten to draw
33:57his hair before, and he's
33:58going, do not forget my
34:00favourite part.
34:01Do you like being drawn by
34:02a hen-dos, Wolf?
34:04What?
34:04Do you enjoy this?
34:06People drawing you.
34:08Yeah.
34:08I wasn't asking you to turn that
34:09up.
34:10Woo!
34:13Careful what you're saying to him.
34:15We're drawing a man called Wolf who
34:17couldn't speak English.
34:18Every time he spoke to him, he
34:19just thought he meant shake his bum.
34:20How many of these do you do a week?
34:22Was I this?
34:23Yeah.
34:25So by the end, you just stop making
34:26small talk.
34:27You just sort of go, Wolf, how long
34:29you've been called Wolf?
34:30And he's like...
34:32The hens are very much there to
34:33party.
34:34Woo!
34:35I love it.
34:36They didn't really care about the
34:37drawing element of life drawing.
34:40Woo!
34:40None of us learned any sort of new
34:42artistic techniques.
34:43They enjoyed penises.
34:45Woo!
34:45The idea of penises, celebrating the
34:47penis, and I'm nonplussed about
34:51genitals.
34:54Has everyone finished their drawing?
34:57Show me, show me on the ground.
35:01My favourite is...
35:02Yeah.
35:05Everything.
35:12Who do you think should have won?
35:15I think I should have won.
35:16What do you mean, who do you think
35:17I should have won?
35:17Look at it.
35:18And I signed it.
35:20Wolf, Benidorm, 2025.
35:22Take that, Emin.
35:24Thank you, Eddie.
35:24Brilliant.
35:29I have had a lovely time.
35:31I've learned that one of the main
35:32reasons people come to Benidorm
35:33for a hendu or sardu is to lean
35:35into the trashiness of the whole
35:37thing.
35:38That's what's really fun about it.
35:40What did she say, Molly?
35:40She said, Benidorm's shit, but it's
35:42good shit.
35:46I've left the children to their
35:47alco pops and happy slapping, and
35:49decided to take us to a way more
35:51enticing hot spot.
35:54Friday night, Benidorm.
35:55Where are you taking me?
35:56Salsa?
35:58Yes.
35:59We're going to go crazy.
36:00Come on, let's get into Benidorm vibes.
36:02That's it.
36:02We're ready.
36:03We're right.
36:04British people on holiday.
36:06Where are we going?
36:08Yorkshire Pride.
36:09Roast dinner.
36:10Three.
36:14I want to be sort of sneering about
36:16British people who have British food
36:17on holiday, but now I get it.
36:19It's a relief, a little bit.
36:20Yeah.
36:21Cheers.
36:21Friday night.
36:22Cheers.
36:22Cheers very much.
36:23Bebe.
36:25Roisin.
36:26Yes.
36:27I know how much you loved it there
36:28today.
36:29Here you go.
36:30A little memento for you to use.
36:33From the house.
36:34I know you'd rather have 5,000 of them.
36:37Oh, I do really love them.
36:40Look at this.
36:41They're nice little guys, aren't they?
36:44Salt and pepper.
36:46I love them.
36:47I've got you the electric chair in the car.
36:51I'll sit on it on the plane.
36:53I'll be like, don't worry, EasyJet.
36:55Put me in the aisle.
36:56I brought my own one.
37:00Sarah, they do a Sunday dinner every day.
37:03That's the right amount of days a week
37:05that that should be available.
37:06Exactly.
37:07It's the best food.
37:09Do you want to hear some of the reviews?
37:10Love to.
37:12Okay.
37:13Worst chips in Benidorm?
37:15I sent them back.
37:16Oh.
37:17Wait for this.
37:18Chicken was well overcooked.
37:20My nan had to put it in her bag.
37:23I don't understand.
37:26What?
37:26She had to put it in her bag?
37:27It was so overcooked.
37:29She had to put it in her bag.
37:31It's the worst kind of politeness,
37:33to your face politeness.
37:34Yeah.
37:34She had to put it in her bag,
37:35but when we got home,
37:36I absolutely ripped them a new one.
37:37Why's nan got a chicken in her bag?
37:39Oh, you couldn't eat it, nan?
37:40I'll do a bad review.
37:42The worst chips in Benidorm
37:44and bag-worthy chicken,
37:45we have to know the truth
37:46of these outrageous boasts.
37:48Normal chicken.
37:49Thank you, my love.
37:50There we go.
37:50Oh, amazing.
37:51And we've got the vegan chicken for you.
37:52Thank you so much.
37:53There we go.
37:54Wow, it's huge.
37:56The roast certainly looked the part.
37:58It all came down to the chips.
38:00Wowee, now that's a fucking bowl of chips.
38:02Oh, I'm excited about those.
38:04Yeah.
38:05Excuse me, sorry.
38:06And the curry sauce.
38:08Wow.
38:09That's what all bowls of chips should look like.
38:11Yes.
38:12They said they're the worst in Benidorm.
38:15It's time to bite down on the truth.
38:21Amazing.
38:22They're fantastic.
38:25Proof that nothing you read on the internet is true.
38:27I'm not the worst female comedian
38:29who's ever been on live at the Apollo.
38:31What the fuck are they on about?
38:32Right?
38:33Yeah, right.
38:34Right?
38:35Let's track them down.
38:35A sabotage.
38:36A rival jibby or something.
38:38That's what it is.
38:38Maybe it's Yorkshire Pride 2.
38:40Trying to do them down.
38:43I'm going to have all the sweats.
38:45Really?
38:46Yeah.
38:47Look at the size of the bowl of chips.
38:49I don't sweat because I do yoga in 40 degrees.
38:53All right, Prince Andrew.
38:54On your boat.
38:59Sarah, it's time.
39:01How many stars are you going to give it?
39:02Oh, I'll give it five stars.
39:04I'm going to give it five stars.
39:05Ten stars.
39:07Cheers.
39:08Cheers.
39:09It's one of my favourite meals I've had out here.
39:13Oh, no.
39:13I just got food all over my dress.
39:17OK, nine stars, then.
39:19The food's very messy.
39:20I'll blame them for it.
39:21Went to the restaurant.
39:22Too much gravy.
39:23Too much gravy.
39:24Too much gravy.
39:27This trip has inspired me.
39:29From now on, every time I see my friends,
39:31I'm going to sell them one of my DVDs.
39:33Some parts of Benidorm are really stunning.
39:36And yes, I'm talking about the Yorkshire Pride.
39:39They put stuffing in the Yorkshire Pud.
39:41Stuffing.
39:42Come on.
39:43Five stars.
39:46My trip here has given me so much.
39:49Driving skills, a taste for pub sports,
39:51and then the hen do I've always wanted with my best pal.
39:55One that was really short and ended with a roast dinner.
39:57And I didn't even have to join a WhatsApp group.
40:03I had very low expectations for Benidorm.
40:05I've been pleasantly surprised, Sarah.
40:07Yeah, I was dreading this,
40:08and now I've actually had quite a lovely time.
40:10I'm giving it a 3.5.
40:11I don't care.
40:12That's very generous.
40:13I'm giving it a 3.
40:14Solid.
40:15I don't want to sneer at it.
40:16It's a great holiday, very cheap destination,
40:19if you're into that sort of thing.
40:21I'm into very cheap.
40:22But I'll still sneer at a bit of it.
40:24What bitch will you sneer at?
40:25We'll talk about it on the way to the airport.
40:27Let's go, baby.
40:373.5 stars, Benidorm.
40:40Bye, Benidorm.
40:42Run over these teenagers.
40:44I've gone full bloody Benidorm.
40:45I've got really Larry.
41:14I've got really Larry.
Comments