- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:28The End
00:47Bro, learn to make your own food, huh?
00:51I'm telling you, passive income.
00:53You got this from a wealth podcast?
00:55Maybe hosted by, you know, an alpha dude with a shaved head.
01:00Were there a lot of ads for cold plunges?
01:02Because it sounds like it.
01:03No, listen to me, okay?
01:05We buy the old motel next to the college.
01:08We buy it for nothing.
01:10We fix it up.
01:10We de-hepatitis it.
01:12Would you want to be the one to scrub out the blood and semen stains?
01:14Yeah, I'll scrub it down, okay?
01:16We can hose it down with antibiotics for all I care.
01:18I don't, whatever, okay?
01:20We turn them into apartments.
01:22I know carpentry.
01:23I can do most of the work.
01:24Then what?
01:25When you rent these apartments to broke, unreliable college kids?
01:29No.
01:29We rent it to their parents.
01:31Guarantors.
01:32There's no risk.
01:33You need permits, babe.
01:35You need insurance.
01:36Okay, Mr. Reality.
01:38Well, it's just, it's a risk.
01:40Look.
01:41You want to get rich?
01:43Be boring.
01:45Mutual funds, CDs.
01:47Don't buy too many things.
01:48Don't buy too few.
01:50Don't tell your friends how much you make.
01:53Get something expensive for yourself.
01:54Have a good place to hide it.
01:56Oh, I have one.
01:58Maybe, um, cook instead of sushi every day.
02:03I'm kidding.
02:04I'm getting sushi every day.
02:07Being profoundly cute is not a business plan.
02:10You need discipline.
02:14Well, I already put 30% down.
02:20Oh, I didn't know you had the money.
02:22Well, I've been saving.
02:28You really are cute, you know that?
02:32Kind of tragic how cute you are.
02:37So, is that a yes?
02:41Are you in?
02:44Because I really like to do this together.
02:52Well, if it makes you happy.
03:01Are you sure you can't sleep over?
03:02I am very sure.
03:06Like you, handsome, I have a boss and responsibilities.
03:11Call me when you wake up.
03:26Look, it's wearing a scarf.
03:39Smart, it is cold and flu season.
03:46Good night, babe.
04:00Oh, it's too early for Becky.
04:04Yeah.
04:21I believe in miracles.
04:25Where are you from?
04:28You sexy thing.
04:30I believe in miracles.
04:34Since you came out, you sexy.
04:37That's what Billie Eilish feeds her frickin' Abyssinian.
04:43All right, all right.
04:44I'll get you the good stuff.
04:50Why do you come from, baby?
04:54How do you know I need you?
04:58Why do you come from, baby?
05:03How did you know I'd give my love?
05:07At the end of the day, I was one of the lonely people.
05:12Now you're lying close to me, making love to me.
05:17Oh, I've been feeling miracles.
05:21Where are you from?
05:23You sexy thing.
05:25You sexy thing.
05:26I believe in miracles, yeah.
05:29Since you came from, baby.
05:31Since you came along, you sexy thing.
05:40Where did you come from, angel?
05:45How did you know I'd be the one?
05:49How did you know you're everything I prayed for?
05:54Did you know every night and day for?
05:59Every day, needing love and satisfaction.
06:03Now you're lying next to me, giving it to me.
06:08I believe in miracles.
06:11Where are you from?
06:13You sexy thing.
06:16I believe in miracles.
06:20Since you came along.
06:23You sexy thing.
06:39So far, I've gone do it.
06:41I say what you mean.
06:42You sexy thing.
06:45You sexy thing.
06:45You sexy thing.
06:46You sexy thing.
06:46You sexy thing.
06:48You sexy thing.
06:48Why is my horse a life a life a guy that's insane?ely
06:53sexy, freak. If
06:53he's a daddy… You
06:54sexy thing. You
06:55sexy thing. You
07:15Hello?
07:36Hello?
08:01I don't know.
08:39I don't know.
09:22I don't know.
09:25I don't know.
10:01I don't know.
10:09I don't know.
10:14I don't know.
11:01I don't know.
11:10I don't know.
11:29I don't know.
11:33I don't know.
11:34I don't know.
11:35I don't know.
11:47I don't know.
11:50I don't know.
11:59I don't know.
12:32I don't know.
12:35I don't know.
12:37I don't know.
12:57I don't know.
12:58I don't know.
12:58I don't know.
13:05I don't know.
13:23I don't know.
13:32I don't know.
13:36I don't know.
13:47I don't know.
13:49I don't know.
14:35I don't know.
14:37I don't know.
14:38I don't know.
14:56I don't know.
15:05I don't know.
15:06I don't know.
15:07I don't know.
15:13I don't know.
15:30I don't know.
15:35I don't know.
15:38If there's so many new aggravations that I sometimes lose track of where I stand on the old ones.
15:44Yeah.
15:47Hey, is something going on?
15:49No.
15:50No, no.
15:51It's nothing.
15:52This lady, like, caroned out on me at the market.
15:57And I forgot my credit card and I like held up the line and there was some shouting and I
16:02probably could have handled it better but hopefully we don't go viral or anything.
16:06Like I said, it was nothing.
16:08Hey.
16:09Hey, hey, hey.
16:10Don't do that.
16:11It's not nothing.
16:13Ugh, I hate that feeling.
16:17Sometimes, like, if I've had too much wine the night before I can get really foggy the next day.
16:22Like, forget my keys or my phone.
16:24I mean, had you been drinking maybe?
16:27Or is that why?
16:28Like, you have a fun night the night before?
16:31No.
16:32You know I had hazel last night.
16:35Oh.
16:36Yes.
16:37Right.
16:37Sorry.
16:38I cut you off.
16:39So, was this Karen old or young?
16:43Yeah, I better get going.
16:44Wait, what?
16:45Why?
16:46I forgot how committed you are to ruining my life?
16:50I...
16:50Paula?
16:52Look, can we be civil?
16:54What's happening now isn't anyone's fault.
16:57Uh, isn't it yours a little bit?
16:59You think you're the victim?
17:01Carl and I have a different POV.
17:03You and Carl are trying to take my daughter.
17:06That's not...
17:06And move her to fucking Idaho.
17:09So you can take your POV and you can shove it right up your ASS.
17:13Paula...
17:13Get your own daughter, Mal.
17:15Like, let Carl crawl all over you with his big sweaty chest bush
17:18and grind away like he's trying to dislodge a bag of Doritos from a fucking vending machine.
17:22But I gotta tell you, a baby is gonna ruin that sweet little biking bot you've got going on there.
17:26You are gonna be exhausted and you're gonna be boring and you're gonna fucking reek of diapers and breast milk.
17:32And then who knows, maybe Carl dumps you for a different co-worker.
17:38She's my daughter, Mal.
17:40You don't get to fuck up her life.
17:42That's my job.
17:45You're gonna break my hair?
17:58You're not gonna pull her...
18:08You've been descubbing.
18:09I got to feel like I got to find a Grand번hlskin looking on a safe edge.
18:12You're located and they're just standing in an Dorothy way.
18:13She has a piano recital sound.
18:14We can't risk her hurting a finger.
18:29You're so dead.
18:30What?
18:31Susie's been looking for you.
18:32She's in a mood.
18:33What flavor?
18:34Vanilla.
18:36You okay?
18:37Yeah, no, no, no.
18:39Yeah, I cut myself on a tuna can.
18:42Weird.
18:43You're probably going to get Lockjaw.
18:45It was packed in spring water.
18:46I think I'm okay.
18:48Depends whether it's full cut.
18:49Fix your car.
18:51Uh, yeah, yeah.
18:53Uh, yes.
18:54And I will, um, get these pages to you by EOD.
19:00Not EOD, A-S-A-P.
19:01This has to go live in two hours.
19:03I know you have responsibilities beyond this place,
19:07but candidly, I don't care about anything beyond this place.
19:11Look, you ask me for more responsibility.
19:13I am up against the gun on this.
19:15I'm not just a...
19:16I'm not going to...
19:21It requires commitment.
19:24Commitment?
19:25Yeah.
19:25I mean, I'm 100% committed.
19:27I'm 105% committed.
19:30Yeah.
19:43Can you confirm that you did say, um,
19:46that the senator wasn't there on the 4th?
19:49Hello, can I talk to you?
19:51Uh-huh.
19:52Okay, you did say that.
19:54All right.
20:12Yeah, I got unrolled listed.
20:13Sorry, uh, you have a visitor in the conference room?
20:23Thank you for seeing me.
20:26You want some cashews?
20:29No?
20:30Okay.
20:33So, I ran down those addresses you gave me.
20:37Guess what?
20:38A sex worker was found dead in one of them.
20:44The responding officer sent a photo.
20:49Sure looked like your guy.
20:56I'm going to give you one chance here.
21:01If you've got anything to tell me,
21:05you're going to want to tell me now.
21:07Right now.
21:10I...
21:12I...
21:13I know.
21:17You know.
21:19I...
21:20I was there.
21:24I saw the body.
21:28Holy shit.
21:295-0.
21:30Yeah.
21:31You think Paula's getting arrested
21:32for dangling participles?
21:34Seriously?
21:34Do you think she did something?
21:36I don't know.
21:36DUI, maybe?
21:37Loitering?
21:38Kidnapping?
21:39That's a bit much.
21:41Dog napping?
21:43Yeah.
21:44Okay, that I can actually see.
21:46Yeah, she's, like, just sad enough.
21:48Yeah.
21:48Like, she sees a poodle tied up
21:50outside of Starby's,
21:51and, you know, before she knows it,
21:52she's got something to love.
21:56Yeah, I should have called the police.
21:57I was going to,
21:58and then I didn't.
22:00And then when I didn't,
22:01I couldn't, and...
22:03What possessed you to go there?
22:05That was pretty reckless.
22:07He was harassing me.
22:08He called my ex-husband.
22:10Like, I have custody issues,
22:12and Trevor knew about them.
22:14He knew about everything,
22:15and he was going to use it against me.
22:17Okay?
22:18And I didn't know what to do,
22:19and you guys weren't helping me at all.
22:22You had to confront him.
22:23To scare him.
22:24I went there to tell him to leave me alone.
22:27He was threatening my kid.
22:30Okay.
22:32So, you arrive.
22:34You ring the bell.
22:36Kicked down the door.
22:38What?
22:39The door was open,
22:40so I just walked in,
22:42and then I found him.
22:44He was dead.
22:46He was in the bathtub.
22:48Uh, it was 8.15.
22:53What did you do next?
22:55Aside from not immediately call 911.
23:00I heard someone else come in,
23:02so I ran,
23:03and I hid in the closet.
23:06And then I heard a, uh,
23:09a saw.
23:12Like, a power saw.
23:16Was the body, uh...
23:18A little.
23:21Did you see this person?
23:23Old, young, anything will help.
23:26No, I didn't see them.
23:28I, uh, except...
23:30This is weird.
23:31They were wearing Trevor's boots,
23:33uh, with two different colored laces.
23:36Well, maybe he knew Trevor,
23:37or maybe he forgot his murder booties
23:41and used the dead man's shoes instead.
23:45So, you find a dead body.
23:47You think a killer is still in the house.
23:50You get away.
23:51You're safe.
23:52Then you skip off to work?
23:54All la-di-da?
23:57I mean, you have to admit, it's strange.
23:59Why not call 911?
24:02You know, she did weirdly mention porn the other day.
24:05She's not a pornographer.
24:06Even if she was, pornography's legal.
24:08It's free speech.
24:08Good point.
24:09Unless it involves minors.
24:11That's gross.
24:12Bestiality.
24:13Also illegal.
24:14And we're back to the dog thing.
24:15Uh, what if it's an underage dog?
24:18That'd be really bad.
24:27You were scared.
24:31I'll bet.
24:32You must have been terrified.
24:35I was, but not just of the guy.
24:38I kept thinking about my kid.
24:41And how my ex-husband would use this to show that I was unfit if he knew that I was
24:49tangled up with a cam boy or at the scene of a murder.
24:54I would, I would lose everything.
24:58I just, I panicked.
25:01Your ex sounds like a real jerk.
25:05Not always, but yeah.
25:07Lately, yeah.
25:10Marriage is a marathon.
25:13Sometimes you puke.
25:26What was that all about?
25:29Oh, um, nothing.
25:31I just got scammed online.
25:33Oh, shit.
25:35Sorry.
25:36Credit card?
25:38Nope.
25:39Uh, I met a guy.
25:41Uh, he seemed nice and then he scammed me.
25:44Oh, that sucks.
25:45Dating sites can be brutal.
25:47Which one do you use?
25:48The one where you have to show photos of your graduate degree or the one where you have to show
25:51photos of your butthole?
25:55Those are just the two basic prototypes.
25:58It wasn't a dating site.
26:01He was a cam boy.
26:03He was a cam man.
26:05He was an age-appropriate cammer.
26:07Jesus.
26:08This is so embarrassing.
26:10It's not.
26:11It's amazing.
26:12It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
26:13Continue.
26:14Oh, no.
26:15I just, I, I thought he really liked me and, uh, I opened up to him and then he totally
26:22scammed me.
26:24Sorry, Paula.
26:25No, I just keep thinking, like, I should have known.
26:30Like, I have been with a gold medal succession of jerks in my life and, and, like, Carl was the
26:38first
26:38genuinely good guy I ever even met and, and we were happy, you know, like, we, we got married
26:45and we moved to Portland and I got this job at a little local paper, like, they gave me a
26:53diner's
26:53club card, which, like, nobody even accepts diners, but I had it.
26:58I was in the club and then we had a baby and then, and then regular bickering just turned into,
27:06like, real fights about real things and the genuinely good guy turned out to be, like, the
27:10biggest jerk of all and now I get scammed by camboys and you guys think I'm a super freak.
27:36Okay, now you guys tell me your most humiliating sex stories, right?
27:41Okay, uh, I used to pleasure myself to Scooby-Doo.
27:54Hi.
27:56Yes.
27:57Hi.
27:57I'm Paula.
27:58I'm the new coach.
27:59Whoops.
28:02Here, let me help you with that.
28:04Oh.
28:04Oh, yeah.
28:06Donuts for soccer practice, huh?
28:08Yeah, yeah.
28:09I mean, everybody loves donuts.
28:10They are sweet.
28:12They're moist.
28:13They're America's fruit.
28:18Uh, I'm Steve.
28:20Oh, hi.
28:21Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:22Oh, right.
28:23Oh, my God, I'm Paula.
28:24I totally, um, did not text you back.
28:27No, no, it's okay.
28:28I over-texted.
28:29It's just kids' soccer practice, right?
28:32Yeah.
28:32My ex told me I need to be more chill, so.
28:35Be more chill?
28:37Yeah.
28:38Wow.
28:38I think you dodged a bullet.
28:40Mom!
28:40Mom!
28:40She never brought her up.
28:41Where are my cleats?
28:42Your cleats?
28:43Your cleats.
28:45Ow.
28:46Oh, Mom, I hate these.
28:48Okay, okay.
28:50Do you think maybe there's something else that's bugging you, sweetie?
28:53No.
28:56Chloe.
28:57She gave everybody cherry lip balm but me.
29:00Oof.
29:02It's not nice to make someone feel left out, is it?
29:05No.
29:05No.
29:05No.
29:06No.
29:06Sorry that happened.
29:08Yeah.
29:10Hey, you know, on the night you were born, right before you slid out of me...
29:18Ew.
29:19Yeah, it was kind of ew.
29:20But right before that, there was a storm.
29:27Wind was howling, and hail was smashing the windows, and right at the craziest, most intense
29:34part...
29:39You were like, oh, that sounds scary, I'm going to stay safe inside.
29:49You were like, that sounds awesome.
29:51I want to see what that is.
29:53And that's when I knew.
29:54I knew that you were going to be brave and adventurous.
29:57So forget about these lip balm girls.
30:00Because what do I always tell you, Hazel?
30:01Let's brush your teeth.
30:03Yes, but you are a badass.
30:10You're a badass.
30:12You know that, right?
30:17You're a badass.
30:19Yabba.
30:20Wow.
30:21That is totally inappropriate.
30:23And I frickin' love it.
30:26Okay, get out there, badass.
30:28I love you, Mama.
30:29I love you, too.
30:32Yabba.
30:33Yabba.
30:34Yabba!
30:39One, two, three!
30:41Go house!
30:47Great job, coach.
30:48Hey, thanks.
30:49All right, Hazelnut, go get your stuff.
30:51Okay.
30:55I had something that I would love for you to read, if you had a sec.
31:04Feeling a tad under the gun here.
31:07Right, I should leave.
31:08Yeah.
31:08Just be still.
31:20It's not shit.
31:21Uh, yay.
31:23Yes, yay.
31:24Yes.
31:25It's not shit is as good as it gets.
31:27But it doesn't grab me.
31:30Which, if you are an absolute, utter no-one, which, no offence.
31:34No, I'm aware I'm garbage.
31:36You need to overwhelm my central nervous system like some rare tropical disease.
31:41We just need something juicier.
31:44I don't want to lick you all.
31:49Your body is amazing.
31:51You know how fast I can get you off?
31:54I've never been there.
31:55I hear it's, uh, beautiful.
31:57Are you going to come for me, Barbara?
31:58Oh, you're so hot.
31:59You like that?
32:00You like that?
32:01You like watching?
32:02I'll touch my back.
32:02Come on, piggy.
32:03Roll around in the mud.
32:04Crawl for it, little pig.
32:06Come on, piggy.
32:07Roll around in the mud.
32:08I want to lick you all.
32:10That's great.
32:10I'm so proud of you, Todd.
32:12Come here, Barbara.
32:13I want to lick you all.
32:15Show me how you touch yourself.
32:16Does your girlfriend know about me?
32:18Did you tell her what we do?
32:19Show me how you touch yourself.
32:21Oh, I love that movie.
32:22I love you.
32:25I love you.
32:26I want to make you feel so good.
32:29I want to make you feel so good.
32:36Gee, come get dinner with me.
32:39Nope.
32:41Come on.
32:42We'll get those spicy wings you like.
32:44It'll be fun.
32:46I think I'll solve a murder instead.
32:48It's fun, too.
32:49You should try it sometime.
33:02What are you telling me, Paula?
33:04It's fun, brother.
33:08It's fun, Taylor.
33:13It's fun, too.
33:29You should try it.
33:51Have a seat, watch mama get to work
33:53I got the power, know my value and my worth
33:55One time for the girl getting hurt
33:57Two times for the ladies and the mamas
33:59The solution to the problem, adding zero to the commas
34:02Watch you shake up the place
34:04Girl, do it your way
34:09Watch you get to work
34:10Watch you get to work
34:12Every woman who's the key to the power
34:14All together, everybody gets to work, gets to work
34:17All together, everybody
34:19All together, everybody
34:21All together, everybody gets to work
34:36Hello, Hazel
34:40hard to be
34:41The one is
34:42I honestly don't know
34:44Do the room
34:47Only we're getting to work
34:47All together, everybody gets to work
34:57Let's get to work
Comments