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00:02Downing Street, May 9th, 2046.
00:11Hello, Nigel Farage here.
00:21Um, I hope this cameo finds you well.
00:25I hear from a friend of yours that it's your special day.
00:28120 years old.
00:30Well, doesn't time fly?
00:32Uh, Sir David Attenborough.
00:35Have a pint on me, and hey...
00:40I think I'll join you.
01:00Ah, I love being Prime Minister.
01:04Good morning, Sir!
01:07Ah!
01:09Kenny Badenow, my trusted deputy, here with my Yorkie bar and morning briefing.
01:15Yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:16Big news day, Prime Minister.
01:18Thanks to our deportations, the population of London is finally down to signal fingers.
01:22Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
01:25Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
01:28Ha ha ha ha ha!
01:30Ha ha ha ha!
01:31Ah, ah, ah, ah.
01:32Excellent, excellent.
01:33Less straight at all resources.
01:35Exactly and one last thing King Trump assures us. He's almost negotiated a ceasefire over the street of Hormuz
01:50Phew for a minute there felt like we were on the brink of World War four
01:56You know Kevin, we make quite a team you and I we disagree on everything very very very slightly. Yeah
02:05Since our parties merged we've been unstoppable. Just like the hantavirus turned out to be
02:11Come on we're late for the straight pride parade
02:21It's a bit chilly summer comes around early every year
02:35I told you that time machine would work
02:38So this is really the future Angela
02:442046 to be precise look today's paper
02:53Crubs for all just been p.m. This whole time
02:57Look at this SNL UK renewed
03:09For series three
03:12Wow big delay
03:14Wow big delay
03:15Yeah series two must have been rough
03:17But why have you brought me here?
03:20You'll remember the 7th of May 2026 the local council elections
03:24I'm not totally sure what those are to be honest
03:28No one is
03:30But the results spoke for themselves
03:32If you don't do the honourable thing this future will come to pass
03:40I see what you're getting at big Ange
03:45If my days really are numbered
03:48Then I should seize every moment
03:51Enjoy every day as prime minister
03:55Because I've only got three years left
03:58Thank you for this wonderful lesson
04:01No that's not what I'm saying
04:04I'm trying to tell you to stand aside
04:06And let me take charge of the government
04:09Oh silly me I forgot my legal gun
04:13Hang on a minute
04:14Who are you?
04:15Who am I?
04:16I'm the blubber prime minister
04:19Excuse me
04:20No I am
04:21I'm the big chungus of this great United Kingdom of England and the middle part of Wales
04:27Security
04:29Seize them
04:30We deported the security
04:31Oh excellent
04:33Excellent
04:35Here we have to go
04:37The prime ministerial time portal is going to close any second
04:40Wait what?
04:41Didn't you know
04:42This secret compartment allows prime minister to travel through time
04:54Greetings
04:54I have come to
04:56Oh sorry
04:58Do you ever walk into a room and completely forget what you've gone in there for?
05:01Oh god
05:02Yeah
05:03Yeah
05:04Meep meep
05:07Oh wait
05:08That was it
05:09Live from London
05:10It's Saturday Night Live
05:19It's Saturday Night Live
05:24It's Saturday Night Live
05:29It's Saturday Night Live
05:30You know
05:47It's Saturday Night Live
05:54While the거�
05:54It's Saturday Night Live
05:57Said
06:00Anya Magliano
06:05Anna Malmallo
06:11Rao Nash
06:16Jack Sheff
06:23Emma Sidney
06:31Hattie Young
06:37Musical guest, Miles Smith
06:43And your host, Hannah Waddingham
06:55Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Waddingham
07:15I am disproportionately excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live UK!
07:23Oh hang on a minute, sorry guys, erm, something's wrong, erm, er, boys are you, thank you.
07:31Oh God, that's better.
07:37Honestly, two minutes out of high heels and my feet really start hurting.
07:42Oh thank you chaps, Larry, Jack.
07:47It is so amazing to finally be here at SNL UK.
07:52It reminds me so much of my beloved Ted Lasso.
07:59Groups and Americans working together, the team spirit, the communal showers afterwards.
08:06I mean that was surprising and excellent.
08:11Brett Goldstein is a very hairy man.
08:15I mean he really is.
08:18Now I have played my fair share of glamorous characters in my career.
08:23Here are some of my particularly attractive early roles.
08:32And of course from Game of Thrones, my sexy little turn as the shame nun.
08:37Oh yeah.
08:40Where I looked like I'd been dug up and then my face needed ironing.
08:44But there are so many parts, guys, that I've never been considered for that I'd really love to play.
08:50What about the male cab driver from Belfast who gives surprisingly good romantic advice?
08:56He violated your identity, sweetheart.
09:00Now put your big girl pants on and remember you are a queen.
09:05Here's your stuff.
09:07Or a character I just like to call Debbie.
09:13Ooh.
09:15I'm so sorry, officer.
09:18I'm Debbie.
09:19I've been a very, very bad girl.
09:22But what has Debbie done?
09:24When we never find out.
09:28And of course the part that I think I was born to play.
09:33Perhaps the sexiest character from the star wars universe.
09:46I have been watching this cast absolutely kill it every week and I am so excited to be part of
09:54the
09:54gang tonight we have got a great show coming up for you including music from the fabulous Miles
10:00Smith I can't believe I'm actually getting to say this finally stick around and watch this
10:15Jason Bentley you are a menace to society I didn't do it your honor you're going down for a very
10:23long time
10:24not so fast you may have read him his rights your honor but we're red and right
10:37some burnt lawyers a searing new legal drama on alibi I don't want to hear any goddamn excuses
10:47just stop falling asleep on beaches once it's peeled it'll go brown it never does
10:54you're so jealous you look mental a wise man once said if you are neutral in situations
11:03of injustice then you have chosen the side of the oppressor fuck off fuck off don't no not
11:11scratchy no don't don't touch me with that wig scream you've heard of law and order it's good
11:19isn't it but this is something different sorry is the lawyer going to sit down I'm scared of what
11:25it might feel like even my ass is burnt to a crisp carry on they're good lawyers don't get me
11:33wrong
11:33they're just really really sunburn ladies and gentlemen of the jury our client is innocent
11:40and we ask of you does anyone have any sour cream because we have read that that can help
11:47anyone anyone with all the emotional stakes you'd expect my skin feels like the sound of bees
12:00they're lawyers they're sunburned it's really it's really that simple she was the love of my life
12:06I'd never lay a finger on her
12:15and get this somehow the sunburn always helps them win the case
12:25you see your honor the fingerprints are not a match
12:32not dilted
12:34oh jesus christ
12:42sunburned lawyers
12:47it's exactly what it sounds like
13:00okay all right all right good morning year 11 here you go
13:08I've got two words for you
13:11and of and I've got two more words for you yeah musical
13:18end of year musical
13:21miss miss did you get the rights for frozen so we can stop doing those weird shows about
13:25your personal lives what I resent those allegations do you janet
13:30I do janet and to be clear we are both called janet
13:33okay yes this original west end standard piece is about two top heavy reading based drama teachers
13:44and those teachers have both just been through vicious divorces almost identical to ours
13:52but get this they're both called amy so there's the difference
14:02must try please
14:04yes just arrived single city my life's a mess and mine is hell
14:14cause the two doors ain't final yet sleeping in an empty king sized bed in single city
14:25he took the kids happy to move on
14:30miss miss when are we gonna get to perform
14:33oh i don't know maybe when you've played mrs teapot in the lincoln drillers unofficial production of beauty and the
14:40beast
14:40pretty girl big dog
14:45so the next number is about a surprising post-divorce trip that the amys take to center park's longleat
15:00there's something in the air at longleat
15:04something we could never foresee
15:08only got one room when i booked on voucher
15:12now it's two of us her and me
15:16we're back from a long day on the rapids
15:20cause we both got stuck on the rapids
15:23for hours
15:24said i sleep on the sofa
15:26i'll tell her no sir
15:28let's dabble in lesbianism for the first time
15:30and ultimately realise it's not for us
15:36it's not for us
15:37come on
15:38miss janet
15:39miss janet we want to do frozen
15:41frozen frozen frozen frozen
15:44right okay i suppose you don't want to hear about the group number
15:49where the amys realise their true love is teaching
15:54inspired by their incredible students
15:57and i mean i just feel bad for robin
16:00who is this year's chosen soloist
16:05we're sorry robin
16:08we know you're different from the other boys
16:11we're not gonna say why
16:15you're gonna have to have a trick your life because of who you are
16:18we're not gonna say why
16:20and we hate to lose you as a soloist
16:23because you are our favourite student
16:26we're not gonna say why
16:29please please
16:30janet
16:31i need this
16:33robin
16:34robin
16:35robin
16:36robin
16:37robin
16:37alright you get up here you horrible lot
16:40come on
16:41year 11
16:43year 11
16:43this song
16:45is about you
16:4830 hopeless children in a classroom
16:51such disappointments
16:5430 nasty
16:5630 nasty ugly little children
16:58what would they do without
17:00two busty ladies showing them the way
17:04show me them the way
17:075 6 7 8
17:10two busty ladies in a classroom
17:13two busty ladies with shitty shitty children
17:16your busty ladies in a classroom
17:19Yeah
17:20yeah
17:21yeah
17:21yeah
17:22yeah
17:23yeah
17:23yeah
17:23yeah
17:23yeah
17:24yeah
17:24yeah
17:25yeah
17:26yeah
17:27yeah
17:27I wish you'd have saved that!
17:28Come on, come on, come on!
17:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:55Right! Listen up!
17:57Welcome to your speed awareness course.
17:59I'm Shannon. I've done it all, seen it all,
18:03and I'm not impressed with notes.
18:06You! Tell me, why did you speed?
18:10Well, Pedro Pascal was being interviewed
18:13by Greg James on BBC Radio 1.
18:15Let me guess.
18:17Listening to that age-appropriate fanny charmer
18:20you forgot yourself and pedal-touch carpet...
18:22That couldn't help it!
18:25He sounded naked!
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28You might think, cos this is the North,
18:31that if you hit someone with a car, it don't matter.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35Well, you're wrong!
18:36All right!
18:37Bang!
18:38Wrong!
18:39You!
18:40Bob Brush!
18:41Join me up here, come on!
18:43Set wheel!
18:45Right!
18:46We are going to do a little role-play.
18:51Picture the scene.
18:53You're driving.
18:54Your name is Martin.
18:56And I am you a passenger.
18:58Street lamps zipping past.
19:00Uh, street lamps?
19:01So that means it's residential, so that's a 30?
19:04Good!
19:05Good!
19:05But!
19:06It's 2am on Bank Holiday Monday, everybody's docked up in bed.
19:10Go on, Martin!
19:11Speed!
19:12LAUGHTER
19:15Who are you meant to be?
19:17Well, I'm your partner of six weeks
19:18and the moonlight's making me feel aroused, Martin.
19:22Speed to the next lay-by and let's do fake taxi style!
19:26Speed, Martin!
19:27Speed!
19:28OK!
19:29Ah!
19:30Fail!
19:32Sit down!
19:33You told me to speed!
19:36You!
19:38Statins!
19:39Get up here!
19:43I shouldn't even be here.
19:45You should be allowed to speed on Poppy Day.
19:48Right, stick it.
19:50Now, start driving.
19:53We are on a ring road.
19:56Everything's normal, but...
19:57Oh, no!
19:59Oh, sod!
20:00I'm nine and a half months preggo wit!
20:02Twins in me waters just broke!
20:04I'll call an ambulance!
20:06No, it's too late, Martin!
20:07Oh!
20:08I'm crowning!
20:09I'm crowning!
20:10Two wet heads are touching the gloved box!
20:14Please speed to the hospital!
20:16Step on it, you fertile Latvian bastard!
20:19Speed, Martin!
20:20Speed!
20:21I'm doing it!
20:22I'm doing it!
20:22I'm doing it!
20:23Fail!
20:25I hope you like prison food.
20:27Sit down!
20:30Sorry, why were both of those men called Martin?
20:33Next!
20:34Er...
20:35You!
20:36Young lady!
20:37Who almost certainly owns a Fiat 500 with eyelashes on it!
20:44Take your time, Jesus!
20:46Right!
20:47In this scenario, we are driving back from hospital with two healthy babies!
20:54Right!
20:55What kind of road is it?
20:57Oh, shit, Martin!
20:59I just got a BBC News alert!
21:00Aliens have landed in Meadow Hall shopping centre!
21:03They've released a gas and it's turning everybody mutant!
21:07What does that have to do with speeding?
21:10What does that have to do with speeding?
21:10The alien fog will either make our babies dyslexic or give them one eye!
21:15In all scenarios, they're going to need extra time in exams!
21:19I'm trying to outside the fog!
21:21Speed, Martin!
21:22Speed!
21:23I don't want to!
21:24You want a cyclops baby, do you?
21:27No!
21:28No!
21:29Fail!
21:30Fail!
21:31Fail!
21:32Fail!
21:33Fail!
21:33You've all failed!
21:34Right, you need to stop this!
21:36Leave her alone!
21:37These role-plays are mental!
21:39None of this would happen in real life!
21:42Mummy?
21:43Yes, darling?
21:53You're almost done with your class!
21:55Me and my twin brother got a six-hour exam to get to!
21:59And then we're going to see our dad!
22:02He's called Martin!
22:04And by the way, he doesn't speed!
22:09Think, don't speed!
22:11Unless you don't, you're going to be cyclops!
22:13APPLAUSE
22:16Happy birthday to you!
22:19Happy birthday to the triplets!
22:24Happy birthday to you!
22:3018 today!
22:32Who would have thought it?
22:33Gone in the blink of a bloody eye!
22:35Well done, love!
22:37Well done, us!
22:39Oh, great!
22:40Oh, God forbid a man fancies his wife!
22:43Right, come on you, let's get up the pub!
22:45Get your first legal rounding!
22:46And your mum will have a pint of pee now!
22:48Actually, Paul!
22:49I'm not coming!
22:51Oh, not this again, Jill!
22:52Tony knows it, won't you?
22:53Has blocked the bog!
22:54No, Paul!
22:55I mean, I'm not coming!
22:58Anywhere!
22:59Ever again!
23:00Is this about them yogurts again?
23:02I've told you, that Tesco Express doesn't do mull a corner!
23:04It's not about the yogurts, Paul!
23:06Oh, come off it, Jill!
23:07It's always about the yogurts with you!
23:08I said, it's not about the yogurts!
23:11Right, Harry, give me them car keys!
23:12You've got to go and get your mum a yogurts!
23:13It's not about the yogurts!
23:17Mum, what's going on?
23:18Oh, my God, are you leaving Dad?
23:20No, of course she's not leaving me!
23:21You're not leaving me, are you?
23:21I'm leaving you all!
23:23You're 18 now!
23:25My work here is done!
23:26But Mum!
23:27I'm not your mum!
23:31I'm...
23:34Daniel Day-Lewis preparing for a role!
23:37You're what?
23:38I'm the Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis,
23:41and for the past 18 years I've been method acting as your mother!
23:45Is this a sort of joke?
23:46I've never joked about my craft, Eleanor!
23:48This is insane!
23:49Did you know about this?
23:50I didn't have a clue!
23:52What can I say?
23:53He's bloody good!
23:54Bless you, Paul!
23:55You've opened my eyes to so much beauty!
23:58Ginsters,
23:59Blossom Hill wine,
24:01the concept of screw fix!
24:03Oh, you're alright!
24:04We've had a laugh, haven't we, Daniel Day-Lewis?
24:06Can I call you a minute?
24:07No.
24:08You sounded just like Jill, then!
24:10Hang on!
24:10If you're our mum,
24:11how have you still been in films?
24:13Didn't you find it curious,
24:14my repeated six-month comas?
24:16Or perhaps my Abraham Lincoln phase?
24:21See, the sex was good back then.
24:23Wait, I'm confused.
24:25Who gave birth to us?
24:26A lovely lady named Debbie.
24:29Last I heard she was doing set design on Young Sheldon.
24:32Whoa!
24:33I think so is such an intense connection to that show!
24:36My simple boy.
24:38Loving you has been my greatest challenge.
24:45Sorry, it's my agent.
24:47Hello?
24:48Yes.
24:49They gave it to Reese Witherspoon.
24:51Shit!
24:52I've been living with this ghastly family for 18 years for that part.
24:55Is there anything we can do?
25:00I'll tell you what.
25:02Hey!
25:03You can buy your mother a pint of Pinot.
25:05I want to get wasted tonight.
25:07Hey!
25:09Mum was so good in Phantom Fred.
25:18Ladies and gentlemen, the dreamy, Marl Smith!
25:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
25:32Time stood still
25:35Just like a photograph
25:37You made me feel
25:39Like these will last forever
25:41Look at me, all right
25:44I saved my whole life
25:50Oh, they say you know, and when you know, and I don't know
25:55Oh, promise that you hold me close, don't let me go
26:03Say, take my heart, don't break it
26:09Love me to my bones
26:12All this time I've wasted, you were right there alone
26:19You and I stargazin' into time and soul
26:27We were never strangers, you were right there alone
26:36I lose my mind, when I'm around you, how I call my life
26:42When I'm without you, I can't ever love you, so Lord
26:47I wanna give you all I've got
26:54Oh, they say you know, and when you know, and I don't know
26:59Oh, promise that you hold me close, don't let me go
27:07Say, take my heart, don't break it
27:12Love me to my bones
27:16All this time I've wasted, you were right there alone
27:23You and I stargazin' into time and soul
27:31We were never strangers, you were right there alone
27:45Oh, Lord
27:47Oh, Lord
27:54Take my heart, don't break it
27:58Love me to my bones
28:02Oh, this time I've wasted, you were right there all along
28:41It's Weekend Update with Anja Magliano and Paddy Young
28:54Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
28:59And I'm Anja Magliano
29:02This week's local elections were a disaster for Prime Minister Keir Starmer
29:07Seen here voting reform
29:10As the Labour Party suffered their worst defeat in decades
29:14In England, Reform UK won just over 1,400 seats
29:18Of course, the rise of reform might seem scary if you're an economic migrant
29:23Or a refugee
29:24Or under 80 years old
29:26Trans, not privately educated
29:28In any way disabled
29:30Someone who uses the NHS
29:31A woman, not white, in a care home
29:33Someone who doesn't like being upskirted
29:35But for the remaining one guy who actually lives in Thailand
29:38It's going to be great
29:44Now, if these local election results were to be carried over to the general election in three years' time
29:50There would, of course, be a significant impact as my body hits the pavement
29:58Now, a lot of young people are worried that the continuing success of reform will affect their future
30:04But you have to remember
30:05You're already fucked
30:13With the left and the right making massive gains
30:16It was a huge clash of cultures at the polls
30:19Reform versus the Greens
30:21Bald men versus bald women
30:26Yes
30:27It was a great night for the Greens
30:29Despite leader Zach Polanski being criticised for falsely claiming he'd been a spokesman for the Red Cross
30:35But who hasn't lied on their CV?
30:38I'd still be a doctor if I hadn't prescribed kissing it better
30:45Already in the past few hours, Labour MP Catherine West has threatened to trigger a leadership contest
30:54Even if Keir Starmer does resign, he's expected to remain very much in the public eye
30:59As a senior mannequin in John Lewis
31:06Following the calls for Keir Starmer to resign
31:08Cabinet Minister Steve Reid has warned Labour against, quote, doom-scrolling through leaders like the Tories did
31:15Well, Steve Reid, you don't know what doom-scrolling is
31:19But I don't know who you are, so one all
31:24By some estimates, Labour's vote share plummeted to 15%
31:28Which has been blamed on Starmer's toxic image
31:31I don't know why
31:33As far as dead-eyed, self-serving, nonce-collecting cowards go
31:36He's quite likeable
31:45The army of new reform councillors have vowed to get started straight away
31:49Leaving no flag unshagged
31:52One of the big features of this election has been the emergence of the shy reform voter
31:57And hold on, I think we have one here now
32:06Stop it, I'm shy
32:09Not me voting for reform, by the way
32:12Stop the boats, did I just say that?
32:13Oh my God, stop looking at me
32:16Take back control, what am I like?
32:20Al Nash appearing as himself, everybody
32:27Put on your masks, lock down your gran and stop spitting in each other's mouths
32:31There's a new virus in town
32:35Yes, a cruise ship has been unable to dock after being hit by an outbreak of Hantavirus
32:40Which is spreading the faeces and urine of rats
32:45The situation was described as deeply stressful by Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper
32:51And the ultimate party boat by a big rat
32:55Now, the virus may have also been spread through intimate sexual contact between humans and rats
33:03That's according to me
33:08Earlier this week, the extravagant celebrity-filled Met Gala was held in New York
33:12This year's theme was people you'd like to see exploded
33:17As usual, the Met Gala featured a lot of high-concept outfits
33:21Beyonce looked amazing
33:23Someone's made the most of the Claire's closing down sale
33:28And Katy Perry wore an eerie mirrored mask
33:32Covering her whole face
33:33Symbolising what it's like to live life as a stupid moron
33:44Nearly half of singles say that dating is no longer affordable
33:48Due to the rising cost of living
33:50Here to comment, it's our dating correspondent, Scrimsh
34:03I've been on seven dates and I'm probably gonna go on more
34:13Well, I hear you have dating tips for when money's tight
34:15I do, because I know it can be hard out there for a Scrimsh
34:21Let's go
34:22Tip one, don't spend money, make money
34:24Take your date to a wishing well, there's pennies in there
34:28Okay
34:33Tip two
34:34On a date, always sing your truth
34:38My name is Scrimsh
34:40Your name is Lady
34:41This is the case of Lady and the Scrimsh
34:46Can I guess your BMI?
34:48It doesn't matter if it's low or high
34:49I just love guessing BMI and please may I use your phone
35:02Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry, where are you from?
35:07Well, I came you from Europe on a school trip and they forgot me
35:10It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
35:13Never feel sorry for Scrimsh
35:17He doesn't need to know his age
35:19Everybody say Scrimsh
35:23Sorry, is it pronounced Scrimsh?
35:25Tip nine
35:27Keep a date short and sweet
35:29At the 15 minute mark, say
35:31Ew, there's ants in here and I got to go
35:42If in doubt, sing again
35:44Feel the rain on your screams
35:46No one else can lie
35:47Because they are not called Scrimsh
36:01What's happening?
36:02Tip 17
36:05Being interesting is street
36:07My favourite sound is an elephant's trunk
36:12It is so charming to me
36:14The way that elephants grieve
36:15I wish my mother grieved
36:17But she never looked for me
36:19Right, okay, I think I get it
36:22Listen, life is a school trip
36:24Sometimes you get left behind forever
36:27So go and kiss a girl on the neck
36:29Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Scrimsh
36:41A member of Donald Trump's security detail
36:44Has been placed on leave
36:45After allegedly masturbating publicly
36:48In a hotel corridor
36:49Close to where Trump was staying
36:50The president was rushed to safety
36:52As soon as they heard the sound of cum shots
36:58On Tuesday
37:01On Tuesday, the trailer for Christopher Nolan's adaptation
37:04Of The Odyssey was released
37:07It's an epic tale about one person's desperate desire to return home
37:11And is loosely based on how I feel
37:13When men talk to me about Christopher Nolan
37:21Blackpool's famous trams museum is shutting
37:23In yet another blow for the trams community
37:35Television personality Scarlett Moffat has revealed
37:38That during her time on I'm a Celebrity
37:40She actually enjoyed eating camel penis
37:43And for those of you interested in showbiz jargon
37:46In TV, we call eating a penis auditioning
37:52It's been revealed that the most sent text in the UK
37:54Is I love you
37:56According to the results of a poll
37:57My dad did not take part in
38:06New government regulations
38:08Could mean that fruit yogurts
38:10Will be classed as junk food
38:11Okay, great
38:12I guess I'll have to find other healthier types of lube
38:21In Italy, new legislation is being introduced
38:25That will ban the selling of horse meat
38:27Last summer I went to Italy
38:29But all I ate was pizza
38:31A pizza this horse, a pizza that horse
38:37Meanwhile in Burnley
38:38A devastating fire at the Warburton's bread factory
38:41Has caused an estimated 2.5 million pounds of toast
38:50And now in traffic news
38:52A lorry carrying 20 tons of Prosecco
38:55Has crashed on the M4
38:57Spilling wine across all three westbound lanes
39:00The next morning the M4 woke up
39:02With a terrible hangover
39:04In bed with the M25
39:07And then, get this
39:08The A406 bursts in
39:10And is like, oh my god
39:11I thought we were exclusive
39:12And then the M4 starts crying
39:14And is like, I don't know what's wrong with me
39:16I must have a problem
39:16And then the A406 is like
39:18I just can't do this anymore
39:19Storms out and now none of them are talking
39:21And that's the traffic news
39:28So David Attenborough turned 100 yesterday
39:34In celebration of his milestone birthday
39:37London Zoo have told him
39:38He's finally allowed to choose and make love to one animal
39:46And now
39:47Here to celebrate
39:49The world's greatest nature documentarian
39:51Is one of his oldest colleagues
39:53A rhino
39:59Thank you Anya
40:00I'm a rhino
40:01And I'm here to say
40:03Attenborough
40:04You're a bitch
40:05What?
40:07Yeah, that sicko's been making a living out of filming my people
40:10For 80 years
40:11None of us ever signed a waiver
40:13None of us ever got paid
40:14Meanwhile, he gets a knighthood
40:16For broadcasting footage
40:17Of my mum getting shot by a poacher
40:19Okay, but
40:20Attenborough
40:21I'm calling you out
40:23I'll meet you anytime
40:25Anyplace to settle this
40:27Mano
40:28A rhino
40:30What's this?
40:32Oh my god
40:32Can it be?
40:35Sir David Attenborough
40:37He's here
40:41There are only 27,000 rhinos
40:45Left in the wild
40:46And when I'm through with this bitch
40:50There'll only be 26,999
40:55Unprecedented scenes
40:56Oh my god
41:00The greatest breath of life is coming from the rhino
41:03It's coming over again
41:04Oh, that's gonna hurt
41:07Oh my god
41:09Oh my god
41:09David Attenborough
41:10He's calling
41:10He's calling
41:11He's calling
41:11Oh my god
41:14They're taking it off the desk
41:15Oh
41:16Oh
41:17Oh
41:17And Attenborough's going down to the gill
41:18God
41:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
41:21Yeah, yeah, yeah
41:22Yeah, yeah, yeah
41:23But wait
41:23What's this?
41:24The big cats are here
41:25Here to finish the job
41:26I've never seen anything like it
41:29Oh
41:31Attenborough's down the lion
41:35And that's the tiger god
41:36My god
41:37I've never seen anything like this
41:38In the world of Weekend Update
41:39For a fellow
41:40Of Weekend Update
41:41No
41:41Not the joke sound
41:43Now we have it
41:45Ladies and gentlemen
41:46Alain has done it
41:47Hundred years
41:48And still
41:50Undisputed champion
41:51Of the national world
41:54David Attenborough
41:58For Weekend Update
42:00I'm Paddy Young
42:01And I'm Anja Magliana
42:02Good night
42:02We'll be right back
42:24We'll be right back
42:36What about these ones, love?
42:38Oh, I know nothing about running shoes.
42:41There must be a shop assistant somewhere.
42:44Oh, here he comes, love.
42:51Oh, God.
42:53Hi, guys.
42:54Welcome to Foot Locker.
42:55How can I help?
43:00Holy shit.
43:03Christine, it's Phantom.
43:04Phantom of the Opera.
43:06Yeah, I know.
43:08Who's this, Christine?
43:09Oh, mate, sorry.
43:10Eric, Phantom.
43:11Some people call me the Angel of Music.
43:13Hey, Christine.
43:15Is this your brother?
43:16What's the relationship here?
43:17No, this is James, my husband,
43:19and that's our little one over there, Daisy.
43:23Eric and I just used to work together.
43:24Well, it was a bit more than that, wasn't it?
43:28Okay, he was my singing teacher.
43:31No, no.
43:31We were absolutely dating, Serge.
43:34Sorry, sorry.
43:35Singing teacher, I didn't know you sang.
43:37Yes, I was a professional singer in opera in France.
43:41You were a professional opera singer in France.
43:45That's the first I've heard of it.
43:47Oh, trouble in paradise.
43:49Why don't you and Daisy go and look at the football shirts?
43:52Okay.
43:53Well, you're not going to reignite your love through the medium of song, are you?
43:56Gosh, no!
43:58I might do that.
44:00Well, all right, that's a relief.
44:04I have waited for this day
44:09That my ingenue might need a pair of shoes
44:13Eric, don't!
44:14Yeah, understood.
44:15Get over it.
44:16Move on, Phantom.
44:18Okay, so, still a size seven?
44:21Oh, I think so.
44:22Changes from brand to brand.
44:24Yeah, that's a common problem, that.
44:26Well, perhaps we should get you measured?
44:30Measured?
44:33Measure me.
44:36Measure me fondly.
44:38Try to find my size.
44:43Examine me.
44:44You're still a very sexual size seven.
44:48So, do you prefer slip-ons or lace-ups?
44:51Oh, lace-ups, I think.
44:53Well, lady likes them laced.
44:55Okay.
44:55So, in terms of running shoes, we have your Adidas, your Solomons.
45:02I actually would recommend these.
45:05Slide your foot in with anticipation
45:14Tie the laces, tightening sensation
45:22Let your feelings grow
45:26As I press upon the toe
45:30I am here to sell you shoes
45:34That you might like
45:37By singing you the music all the night
45:43Let your mind...
45:47Eric, no, I'm sorry
45:51Look, I'm married
45:52Eric, I have a child
45:55Also, not to be a total bitch about it
45:58But you did kidnap me
45:59And kill all those people
46:00And burn down that opera house
46:01Oh
46:02God, you burn down one opera house
46:04You never hit the bloody end of it
46:06Come on, Daisy
46:07No, we're off to Sports Direct
46:13No
46:16It's over now
46:19The music of the night
46:31Once again
46:34Mr. Miles Smith
46:41We dream of jet planes
46:45Freedom
46:46Trying to find escape
46:49From heartache
46:56To you
46:57To feel cold
47:00See it
47:02Worms me up inside
47:04Just your face
47:10Safe in your arms
47:13I can't forget
47:15You saved me from the demons in my head
47:21I keep running in circles now
47:26I've been losing myself somehow
47:29Won't you hold me in the dark?
47:33Won't you hold me in the dark?
47:44Won't you hold me in the dark?
47:48Won't you hold me in the dark?
47:52Long roads ahead
47:56But I know
47:58We'll make it in the end
48:01Make it in the end
48:07And I've been running in the dark?
48:09And I've been running in the dark?
48:11And I've been running in circles now
48:11But only you can fix my soul
48:16So take me home
48:20I keep running circles now
48:24I've been losing myself somehow
48:27Won't you hold me in the dark?
48:31Won't you hold me in the dark?
48:35Yeah, I'm running in circles now
48:38I've been losing myself somehow
48:42Won't you hold me in the dark?
48:46Won't you hold me in the dark?
48:56Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:00Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:05Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:09Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:11Here in your arms
49:13That is where I'll lay my face
49:18I keep running in circles now
49:22I've been losing myself somehow
49:25Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:30Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:33Yeah, I'm running in circles now
49:37I've been losing myself somehow
49:40Won't you hold me in the dark?
49:44Won't you hold me in the dark?
50:14Won't you hold me in the dark
50:16Won't you hold me in the dark?
50:23I am having such a nice time
50:27Me too!
50:27There's just something about my mood
50:29I just...I can't explain it!
50:31I can
50:34Take it away, maestro
50:38I feel so good now, truly at ease
50:44I'm having a great hair day
50:46And past mistakes aren't weighing on me
50:50Not stressed about my mother
50:54Or paying off my clana
50:56And at the end of the day
50:59I'm actually happy for my ex
51:00Who is fully gay
51:02Guys, talking at length about
51:05An app he designed
51:07And I don't even mind
51:09How the stars aligned
51:11Am I nailing my life?
51:14No, I've simply had
51:15Two glasses of wine
51:20That's all it takes
51:21Two glasses of wine
51:24It's all I've been I can legally try
51:29Suddenly fluent
51:30With my conversational German
51:33I want to be my astral program
51:35I want to be a guest
51:37I want to be a guest
51:51Stop them
51:51I just remembered someone I went to school with
51:55Who died
51:56I'm sending story replies
51:58I'm replaying my parents' divorce
52:00Am I having these thoughts?
52:03Oh yeah, cause I've had
52:04Three glasses of wine
52:07We're pushing it down
52:09I should tap out
52:11Three glasses of wine
52:13All my reflection is bringing me down
52:16Too much wine
52:20Oh no
52:21And I'm angry about something
52:25But I can't remember what that thing is
52:30Oh no
52:32Stop it
52:32Stop it
52:33Oh come on, it's jazz
52:37Oh no
52:38No
52:40No
52:40No
52:40No
52:40No
52:40No
52:40No
52:40No
52:41No
52:41No
52:41No
52:41No
52:42We're 검찰
52:42That's a fourth wall
52:42Yeah
52:44My apologies to the fourth wall
52:48Oh come on, mate
52:49Don't film me
52:53Woah, woah, woah
52:55what do we have here?wort
52:58Listen
52:58my dressing room is right next to Ham
53:01Sharon's It
53:03sounds proofed
53:08It sounds good
53:34And I was also a little bit sick
53:39So now I feel totally electric
53:43I'm so drunk, I've gone full circle
53:46And I feel good again
53:47Riding the walkway
53:49It's hard to know how many drinks are
53:51For some people it's four
53:53For some people it's none
53:55It's different for everyone
54:01It can take a lifetime
54:05To know just how much
54:08Is the right amount of
54:13What?
54:14No that's the wrong one
54:15What?
54:17Come on guys
54:18What?
54:28Come on guys
54:28Come on guys
54:43My thanks to Marl Smith, Peter Serfinowicz
54:47And I earn the hugest thanks to this ridiculously phenomenal cast
54:52And writers and everyone working on the show
54:54For making this such a great week
54:57it is my total honor
54:59to host SNL UK
55:01and to my little girl
55:03thank you for letting me be here
55:05I'm coming home
55:06good night
55:08good night
55:42good night
56:09good night
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