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00:00:05All right, all right.
00:00:07There you are, ma'am.
00:00:10There you are. Here is your Washington Redskin.
00:00:13That's a shot of Campari and an empty potato skin.
00:00:16Thank you. To world peace.
00:00:18Yeah, it should be any day now.
00:00:22All right. All right.
00:00:27Incoming.
00:00:29All right, cut the jukebox. Cut it.
00:00:34My man.
00:00:38Drug boat.
00:00:42Secretary Hexer, can I get you your usual?
00:00:45A shot of beer with a pint of whiskey dropped into it?
00:00:49That's right. A reverse Irish car bomb, yes.
00:00:53It's just nice to have my sneaky bar here where I'm not going to run in anyone from work.
00:00:58Because none of Trump's people like drinking as much as I do.
00:01:01Wrong!
00:01:02Oh!
00:01:06What? Come on! Yeah!
00:01:08Yeah!
00:01:09Whoa! Grab it all!
00:01:11What is up? Order. Order in the court.
00:01:15Yes. Order. I find in favor of six Bud Lights and three shots of J-Mo.
00:01:20Yes! Come on!
00:01:22Yep. A 6-3 decision coming right up, y'all.
00:01:26Ah, Pistol Pete. I kind of figured I was going to find you here.
00:01:29Oh, did I include you on a signal chat by accident?
00:01:33No, no. I just saw all the women covering their drinks.
00:01:37Oh! Come on!
00:01:39That could be you, too, buddy!
00:01:40Yeah, that could. I like that. I like that.
00:01:42Ah, it's just great that we share that.
00:01:44Yeah, it is fun. It is. It's fun we share that.
00:01:47Hey, can I just say, we are both kicking ass right now.
00:01:52Right?
00:01:53Dude, can you believe I just, like, started a war?
00:01:56Can you believe I ended abortion?
00:01:59Huh? Hey, your body, my choice.
00:02:01Oh! You knew I'd do it!
00:02:04You knew I'd do it!
00:02:05Oh, how is the war going, by the way?
00:02:07Oh, it's totally chill. It's, uh, it's totally chill.
00:02:11Or at this point, it's like me at a DWI checkpoint.
00:02:14It completely blew over.
00:02:15Oh. Really?
00:02:17I thought I read we were, uh, we were still bombing stuff.
00:02:20Ah, no. Just like a few every now and then.
00:02:22We can stop whenever we want to.
00:02:25Oh, that's cool. Check this out.
00:02:27What is this? What have you been up to?
00:02:29Well, it's a new, uh, voting district that I approved in Tennessee.
00:02:34Oh, wow. That's...
00:02:35Oh, wait. Actually, no. That's, uh, that's a field sobriety test.
00:02:38They told me to draw a circle.
00:02:41Dude, you were really close.
00:02:43Thanks, Kimo Sabe.
00:02:44You knew... you knew it was a shape.
00:02:46Yeah.
00:02:48Appreciate that.
00:02:50Can I be honest with you, man?
00:02:51Sure.
00:02:51It's just that I worked so hard on this, I ran war,
00:02:54and I'm just worried it's gonna end.
00:02:57You know?
00:02:58It's kind of like I took a bunch of blue chew
00:03:01and then didn't bang anyone.
00:03:04Like, okay, I guess I'll just watch Seinfeld bricked up.
00:03:08Yeah.
00:03:09Thank God we got each other, right?
00:03:11Yeah.
00:03:11You know what the real war is right now?
00:03:14The real war?
00:03:15It's the war against...
00:03:18male loneliness.
00:03:21I used to have all my buddies to hang out with.
00:03:25PJ and Toby.
00:03:28Squee.
00:03:30Gang bang Greg.
00:03:32Yes.
00:03:33Dr. William Cosby.
00:03:37Just wish there were more people in this administration
00:03:40who could really hang.
00:03:42Does this bar take care?
00:03:49Oh, yeah.
00:03:49Pass on the table.
00:03:51Pass on the table.
00:03:51Pass on the table.
00:03:53Oh, yeah.
00:03:54Am I touching?
00:03:55Let's go.
00:03:56So what's up?
00:03:57Are we wildin' out tonight or what?
00:03:58Yeah, we always wild, K-pop demon hunter.
00:04:02Yeah, I got nothin' to do tomorrow, you know,
00:04:05cause of the...
00:04:06Cease-fire.
00:04:09oh guys check this out I made my own FBI bourbon with my name on it yes somehow
00:04:19this is a real thing that I the FBI director has made this is real I bring
00:04:27my own alcohol to bars because sometimes they think I'm a kid with the fake ID
00:04:31they say oh no adult would make this face in official photos but seriously we're all
00:04:41living the American dream I'm the first person in my family to go to college
00:04:46parties many years after graduating hey canine is that rumor true that you make
00:04:52everybody in the FBI take a polygraph no I told them to make a graph of everyone in
00:04:59the FBI who's Polly my girlfriend wants to open up our relationship come on yeah she
00:05:06went she said she wants to bring other dudes into the bedroom and for me to stay
00:05:09in the living room hey since we're opening up can I tell you guys something top
00:05:14secret brother everything's a secret when you're blacked out all right we're gonna
00:05:21let Trump do a third term yeah it was but Trump found the original Constitution and at the end he
00:05:33wrote psych we're gonna live forever wow all right sorry gentlemen it's your least favorite words in
00:05:40the entire world last call oh come on come on so what's it gonna be well I guess I'll drink
00:05:48a
00:05:48whiskey drink I'll drink a vodka drink I'll drink a lager drink I'll drink a cider drink
00:05:52I get knocked down but I get up again they're gonna never keep me down I get knocked down but
00:06:00I get up again and live from New York it's Saturday Night Live
00:06:08Saturday Night Live it's Saturday Night Live with Michael Che
00:06:21Mikey Day
00:06:28Andrew Dismukes
00:06:38Chloe Fineman
00:06:49Marcelo Fernandez
00:06:55James Austin Johnson
00:07:05Colin Jost
00:07:10Sarah Sherman
00:07:16Keenan Thompson
00:07:22Featuring
00:07:23Tommy Brennan
00:07:28Jeremy
00:07:30Jeremy
00:07:30Colhane
00:07:33Ben Marshall
00:07:36Ben Marshall
00:07:41Ashley Padilla
00:07:44Cam Patterson
00:07:48Veronica
00:07:51Slawikowska
00:07:54Jane Wickline
00:07:56Jane Wickline
00:08:04Musical guest
00:08:05Noah Kahn
00:08:08And your host
00:08:10Matt Damon
00:08:15Ladies and gentlemen
00:08:17Matt Damon
00:08:19Bill
00:08:20Ben
00:08:20Ben
00:08:24Tom
00:08:25I don't know you are in the party
00:08:46I don't know you are in the party
00:08:49algorithm
00:08:49little low right I mean just considering I've been around for like 30 years but
00:08:54that's okay I'm here now I'm really excited because I have a new movie
00:08:59coming out it's called the Odyssey and it is in theaters not this weekend not
00:09:07next weekend but nine weekends from now mid-july baby so got more good news it
00:09:15is Mother's Day tomorrow and I know normally SNL flies all the cast moms in
00:09:21for the show first class no expense spared apparently that was gonna happen
00:09:25again this year but then Spirit Airlines shut down so for all of you waiting to
00:09:30see the cast moms I'm sorry it ain't happening tonight sorry you said the cast
00:09:35moms aren't coming tonight yeah that's right sir no cast moms this year oh okay
00:09:42but Marcella's mom is here right no she's not here I'm sorry that wasn't in
00:09:48the cards well I'd really like to meet her buddy I don't know what to tell you we
00:09:53got to move on in about 15 minutes it is gonna be Mother's Day and I realize for
00:09:58a lot of you you're probably freaking out because he didn't get your mother a gift
00:10:03don't worry I thought about this I got you guys covered just send her this hey
00:10:09there it's me Matt Damon I bet you thought your kid forgot to get you a
00:10:14Mother's Day gift no this is your gift a personal message for me but wait I'm
00:10:22confused your kid asked me to make a video for their mom but you're their
00:10:26sister right what shut up no way but you don't look a day over you're kidding me I
00:10:36would have guessed like 28 29 well how old am I old enough to know what I'm doing young
00:10:44enough to do it well listen I gotta go but you deserve a night out you tell your partner to
00:10:52take
00:10:52you out on a date not this weekend not next weekend but nine weekends from now there's a movie I
00:10:59think
00:11:00you're really gonna like happy Mother's Day
00:11:06just flip that and send it to your mom you're all set hey dumbass Marcello's mom is here hi Matt
00:11:14Damon
00:11:15okay mom get away from this weirdo okay bye Matt Damon we got a great show Noah Kahn is here
00:11:21so much Marcello's mom stick around we'll be right back
00:11:49you're watching the monster channel yep that's real we now return to Godzilla king of the monsters to dawn of
00:11:55the king of all monsters
00:12:01admiral on deck at ease I just got to sleep this better be good admiral we're tracking a sizable anomaly
00:12:09in the Pacific Ocean heading west towards the northern California coastline
00:12:13you woke me up for a Russian reconnaissance sub this is no sub sir
00:12:18uh admiral you might want to take a look at this the USS Indiana just sent a sonar scan of
00:12:26the location whatever this thing is it's as tall as the ocean is deep
00:12:32deep what's the depth there uh 2 500 feet
00:12:41what there's something the size of two Empire State buildings swimming in our ocean
00:12:47admiral you might want to take a look at this it's making impact tremors on the ocean floor
00:12:54it's not swimming sir it's walking
00:13:01it's walking
00:13:03what the hell is this thing
00:13:05admiral um you might want to take a look at this
00:13:09Jesus what now this dress is drying me out
00:13:11can I get like a thick green juice that I like
00:13:15here you are sir
00:13:16thank you
00:13:22what do we got officer
00:13:24um
00:13:27do you want to
00:13:28do you want to finish
00:13:30the sip that's in your mouth sir
00:13:36you like to savor the taste
00:13:37okay
00:13:38um well I'm looking at the thermal imaging
00:13:43is there pineapple in this
00:13:45no sir just greens and apples
00:13:47oh it tasted like pineapple for a second sorry
00:13:51admiral
00:13:52we just lost contact with our summary
00:13:54all their comms are offline
00:13:56yeah the data showing it suffered total hull failure
00:14:00I'll try and get the video from its clear cam
00:14:02lock in people
00:14:04we're gonna be here for a while
00:14:05I should eat something
00:14:06can I get some of that runny lumpy yogurt that I like
00:14:11I accessed the video sir
00:14:16let me see it
00:14:19oh my god
00:14:20Jesus officer Harris
00:14:21I just saw that thing grab a nuclear submarine
00:14:24and crush it like an empty soda can
00:14:27that cannot be possible
00:14:28so I need you to look me in the eyes right now
00:14:31and tell me that video is authentic
00:14:34your yogurt sir
00:14:36thank you
00:14:45thanks so much in your mouth sir
00:14:51the video is authentic
00:14:55well I lost my appetite
00:14:58can I get a huge ice cold water please
00:15:01here you go sir
00:15:02thank you
00:15:02admiral I'm getting a transmission from Okinawa
00:15:05but it's in Japanese
00:15:06um
00:15:07I know Japanese
00:15:12you speak Japanese
00:15:13yes
00:15:14yes I do
00:15:15I
00:15:16I dated a girl
00:15:18from Japan
00:15:19and I lived there
00:15:19for three years sir
00:15:20was she hot
00:15:21um
00:15:22don't know why that matters
00:15:24not really
00:15:25sorry to hear that
00:15:26now go translate that message
00:15:28of course
00:15:29excuse me
00:15:31okay
00:15:31all right
00:15:34um
00:15:34there's a lot of static
00:15:36hey guys
00:15:37it's really important
00:15:39that everybody stays hydrated
00:15:40this is a high stress situation
00:15:42I need everybody drinking a lot of water
00:15:44thank you
00:15:44thank you admiral
00:15:46um
00:15:47okay
00:15:48okay they're saying
00:15:49uh
00:15:50monster destroyed Okinawa base
00:15:53with laser
00:15:55from mouth
00:15:59my god
00:16:00oh my god
00:16:02oh my god
00:16:02they're
00:16:03they're calling it
00:16:05they're calling it Godzilla
00:16:07no no no no
00:16:09sir please
00:16:09did you just say Godzilla
00:16:16everyone please stop
00:16:18I'm so wet
00:16:20I'm so wet
00:16:22I know a lot of high stakes
00:16:25information is being revealed
00:16:27but please
00:16:28if you can
00:16:29just try and spit away from me
00:16:32please
00:16:34sorry
00:16:35I didn't get to do it yet
00:16:37oh god
00:16:39he's here
00:16:51coming this mother's day
00:16:53a movie especially made for mom
00:16:56kids what are you doing here
00:16:59you know we wouldn't miss mother's day
00:17:01oh come in
00:17:02come in
00:17:03with all the things she loves in movies
00:17:05and none of the things she doesn't
00:17:07actually we have some news
00:17:10we're gonna move back home
00:17:11what
00:17:13introducing mom the movie
00:17:15the only movie completely devoid of conflict
00:17:18suspense and dramatic tension
00:17:21just things that work out for mom
00:17:23oh no mom
00:17:24is the big pickleball tournament at the same time as my baby shower
00:17:28no they're on different days
00:17:31rich
00:17:32because moms have enough stress
00:17:34so why not let them feel good for a day
00:17:37with dialogue like
00:17:39mom
00:17:40you're a really good mom
00:17:41and
00:17:42it's twins
00:17:45that's true
00:17:46and
00:17:46that is a great story mom
00:17:48and I love that you told me the race of all the people involved
00:17:51moms are the hardest working people in the world
00:17:54they deserve a movie where the house is clean
00:17:57the kids are home
00:17:59and the husband is straight up matt damon
00:18:02I just love being married to you matt damon
00:18:04I feel the same way ronda
00:18:07ronda damon
00:18:08remind me again how we met
00:18:09well I was giving a talk back after a movie I did
00:18:12and I
00:18:13noticed your massive necklace from the stage
00:18:17you want to go upstairs
00:18:19to make love
00:18:20no
00:18:21to do a fashion show with everything in your closet
00:18:26okay
00:18:28yes
00:18:29yes
00:18:30yes
00:18:31yes
00:18:31yes
00:18:32yes
00:18:32yes
00:18:32yes
00:18:32yes
00:18:33yes
00:18:33yes
00:18:34a story by moms for moms
00:18:37hey
00:18:37is that the pink puffy purse I bought you with the big old gold chain
00:18:41you were right
00:18:42it goes with everything
00:18:43mom the movie is a hit
00:18:45and audiences are raving
00:18:47I liked when the kids all needed their birth certificates
00:18:49and she had them
00:18:51and it's designed with the understanding that most moms will fall asleep after 23 minutes
00:18:58so after that point the characters just move things around and smile
00:19:03I loved when the entire family watched a full episode of house hunters
00:19:07it was helpful when the characters put on name tags so the audience could track who was who
00:19:12it was a nice touch
00:19:14how about that Mark Damon
00:19:15and rest assured if something bad happens
00:19:18it'll be to someone you don't like
00:19:21mom
00:19:22did you hear
00:19:23your friend is sick
00:19:25oh
00:19:26which one
00:19:28Judith
00:19:28the one who said your porch pillars were ugly
00:19:31oh
00:19:34how sad
00:19:35so treat your mom to a movie so tailor made to her
00:19:39she'll wonder if she wrote it herself
00:19:41you mind if I slip into something a little more comfortable
00:19:49Jason flippin' bored
00:19:52mom the movie streaming now on home goods plus
00:20:00next week our season finale with Will Ferrell and musical guest Paul McCartney
00:20:06this is a special guest
00:20:29with Will Ferrell and musical guest Paul McCartney
00:20:30thanks for that
00:20:32it's a special guest
00:20:34it's a special guest
00:20:35good
00:20:35thank you so much for coming out of the story
00:20:36get the hell out of here oh back to wall street okay what's wrong with this guy huh pushing in
00:20:43here like that you know what it is everybody thinks they're a tough guy these days hey that's
00:20:47true that's true hey hey speaking of tough guys huh listen to this the other day this guy's smoking
00:20:53a cigarette right outside my house he flicks his cigarette right onto my lawn so i go hey pick it
00:20:59up
00:21:01sky looks me in the eye he goes make me oh boy so then what happened i'll tell you what
00:21:07happened
00:21:08he kicked my ass and then he made me pick up the cigarette i did i picked it up with
00:21:14my mouth
00:21:15everybody thinks they're a tough guy these days yeah i had a run in myself recently oh yeah i see
00:21:21this tough guy at the grocery store he's yelling at the checkout girl i go hey jackass your mother
00:21:28ever teach you manners because if not i'm gonna teach you something right now oh boy so what did
00:21:35he say to that nothing he just kicked my ass right away he wheeled his chair over to me and
00:21:43laid me out
00:21:43flat hold on hold on hold on he was in a wheelchair yeah guy was like 100 years old course
00:21:50he was of
00:21:50course anyway he's rolling away and i go that all you got there we go there you go big big
00:21:57mistake
00:21:58on my part he came right back took his little oxygen tube off his face he stuck it right up
00:22:04my
00:22:04ass and he cranked it to full this guy he blows me up like i'm a freaking balloon oh my
00:22:10god that's a
00:22:12unique punishment it sure was man that's what i'm saying you know everybody's got to be a tough guy these
00:22:17days hey tell me about it i'm at church a few weeks back i turned to the guy behind me
00:22:23and i say
00:22:24peace be with you he kicks my ass i say father how dare you oh my god you're ruining my
00:22:32daughter's
00:22:33wedding oh it was it was the priest yes you know the phrase he put his foot in my ass
00:22:38oh he didn't
00:22:39do that did he no no no he put my foot in my ass both of them oh my god
00:22:46not your feet
00:22:48that's terrible but other than that it was a beautiful ceremony it was a beautiful ceremony
00:22:52i'll tell you even the kids think they're tough guys now the other day i asked my son what he
00:22:56wants for breakfast right so he kicks my ass i look at my wife i go what's wrong with this
00:23:03kid
00:23:03and she kicks my ass that's insane some of the tough guys are girls absolutely absolutely no life used to
00:23:10be a little more civilized a few years back i had words with this tough guy but we didn't fight
00:23:15instead he picked up a dirty quarter off the ground and he said i had to keep it in my
00:23:21mouth forever
00:23:23and if he ever saw me he was gonna yell quarter check and if it weren't in there he was
00:23:29gonna kick my
00:23:30ass those days are long gone man listen to this christmas eve right i'm at a bar and i go
00:23:38hey everybody
00:23:38this next round is on me right and this tough guy goes i don't need no charity you a-hole
00:23:46and then he kicked your ass i wish he captured me what do you mean he captured you he captured
00:23:55me
00:23:55i don't know how else to say it that guy captured me he puts me in a dog cage in
00:24:01his basement
00:24:03right and he's giving me a gummy bear every eight hours every eight hours i get one gummy bear a
00:24:09yellow one too not even a red one a yellow gummy bear right and at first i'm pissed off but
00:24:15a few
00:24:15weeks go by and i realize i go i'm actually excited to see him you know when he comes home
00:24:21i'm pumped up
00:24:21because he's finally gonna give me my little gummy bear i'm waiting for my gummy bear you know i want
00:24:27it bad and he's training me is what he's doing i'm like his dog you know and and he even
00:24:32one day he
00:24:33leaves the cage unlocked but i don't run away oh because you're a good boy exactly i'm a good boy
00:24:40now you know i'm learning tricks i'm not having accidents no more i'm peeing where i'm supposed to
00:24:46go i'm doing what i gotta do you know and sometimes i think about leaving you know but then i
00:24:51say to
00:24:51myself don't be a moron if you leave you're not gonna get your gummy bear right and besides by now
00:24:58i'm dedicated to this guy you know what i mean i love him he's my whole world i tell him
00:25:04i go to him
00:25:04i go i belong to you i'm your creature now i would die for you so then what happened well
00:25:14then he kicked my
00:25:15ass he waited until i loved him and then he kicked my ass i'm like what the hell doing hey
00:25:21hey hey
00:25:22watch out tough guy three o'clock oh no hey quarter check oh all right it's right here boss it's
00:25:28still in
00:25:29there good everybody's a tough guy these days i think we should take some classes
00:25:45ever wish you knew how your cat was feeling yes every dang day well now you can how with tidy
00:25:52care
00:25:53kitty litter whoa tidy care kitty litter provides color changing crystals for your cat's health
00:25:58monitoring with new tidy care technology our kitty litter crystals turn orange at the first sign of a
00:26:04health issue and green when your little fur baby is as healthy as can be that's incredible thanks tidy
00:26:10care oh what does blue mean don't uh don't worry about it oh okay great hi honey hi it's blue
00:26:23again it is
00:26:24yeah huh well is the guy still here oh i don't i'm here what does blue mean you don't want
00:26:33to know
00:26:33no no we really do okay but uh okay our color changing crystals change to a bright aquamarine blue
00:26:42at the first sign of human urine
00:26:47what the litter turns blue when people pee on them but why i don't know it just it just does
00:26:55so that means someone in this house hey mom hey dad
00:27:04you don't think our son no i do jesus christ why are you still here come on don't you want
00:27:11to know
00:27:11who made it blue it's the cat brother blue ain't no cat good night mom good night dad night good
00:27:17night
00:27:19well we all know where he's
00:27:20damn it there goes your cat theory dumb ass danny danny get in here
00:27:34yeah dad are you peeing in the litter box what are you peeing in the litter box no don't lie
00:27:41to me i'm
00:27:42not i hate you i hate you i hate this house it's a weird kid why would you ask him
00:27:50something like
00:27:51that dennis he's 16. the crystals were blue megan they were blue you hear yourself right now it was
00:27:56the cat she's just as dumb as the sun stay out of this he doesn't do anything wrong he's a
00:28:02good kid
00:28:02i mean he plays cello for christ's sake and pees in the litter box shut up well then you tell
00:28:07me what's
00:28:08going on megan because it sure as hell wasn't me and if it wasn't him then oh my god it
00:28:17was you
00:28:18how how i am a woman i would have to squat so low it don't make sense i haven't seen
00:28:25you pee for days
00:28:26you've never seen me pee exactly you're nuts i'm nuts i'm nuts then what's this huh this entire litter box
00:28:34is blue you made the whole thing blue what's the cat blue ain't no cat hey guys what is that
00:28:42your dog
00:28:44yeah my bad blue can also mean dog why would you say that tidy care kitty litter it's usually the
00:28:52sun
00:29:05oh
00:29:16ladies and gentlemen noah khan
00:29:18oh
00:29:20how can't we call the last time that we talked
00:29:32about anything but looking out for cars
00:29:38we got cigarette burns on the same side of our hands we ain't friends we're just all
00:29:44wrongs we broke skin in the same spot
00:29:51you know i think about you all the time
00:29:57you know i think about you all the time
00:30:09you know i think about you know how hard it was to keep it all inside
00:30:14i hope you settle down i hope you marry rich
00:30:19i hope you're scared of all the ordinary bitch
00:30:25it's like
00:30:27like monsters and girls with cancer on your skin
00:30:31they're not your soul
00:30:34but what do you might do with it
00:30:37and what do you might do with it
00:30:53I told him to stay along the twin state line
00:30:58I heard nothing but the bass and every ballad that you played
00:31:05While you swore to God the singer in your mind
00:31:11The world is scared of hesitating things
00:31:16Yeah, they only shoot the birds you cannot say
00:31:23I'm finally aware of how petty and unfair
00:31:29Was to stare ahead like everything was fine
00:31:37Oh, I think about you all the time
00:31:43Might need misunderstanding of your life
00:31:49Time that must have been through you back then
00:31:55How hard it was to keep it all inside
00:32:00I hope you settle down, I hope you'll marry rich
00:32:06I hope you're scared of all the ordinaryness
00:32:11Like murderers and ghosts and cancer on your skin
00:32:18They're not your soul, but we might do it
00:32:23Oh
00:32:32Wings, snow waves
00:32:35Did you wish that I could know you, friend?
00:32:46Sometimes I wasn't brave enough to go
00:32:53I hope you'll settle down, I hope you'll marry rich
00:32:58I hope you're scared of all the ordinaryness
00:33:05Like murderers and ghosts and cancer on your skin
00:33:11They're not your soul, but we might do it
00:33:15Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
00:33:24Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
00:33:40I hope you threw a brick right into that stained glass
00:33:46I hope you wish someone who isn't scared to ask
00:33:51I hope that you're not losing sleep about what's next
00:33:58Or about your soul and what he might do with it
00:34:20Thank you
00:34:40Colin Jost and Michael Che
00:34:50Thank you
00:34:52Thank you very much, good evening everyone
00:34:53Welcome to Wicked Update, I'm Michael Che
00:34:55I'm Colin Jost
00:35:00Well, this week, Secretary of State Marco Rubio
00:35:08Traveled
00:35:09Marco Rubio traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Leo
00:35:13In an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship with the Vatican
00:35:16After the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance
00:35:22During their meeting, Marco Rubio
00:35:27Also presented the Pope with the gift of an egg-shaped crystal
00:35:31Which he bought on his favorite religious website, AdamandEve.com
00:35:38The Pentagon on Friday released never-before-seen files on UFOs
00:35:42But don't worry, the most dangerous flying objects have already been eliminated
00:35:48The Supreme Court temporarily restored mail-order access to abortion pills
00:35:53Citing prom season
00:35:59World health authorities are tracking down dozens of passengers
00:36:02Who left a cruise ship where there was a deadly outbreak of Hantavirus
00:36:06Which is typically caused by exposure to rodent droppings
00:36:10Damn it, that better not be you, Mickey
00:36:17That's dumb
00:36:20Officials around the world are tracking passengers potentially infected with the virus
00:36:24Which sounds scary, but let the President calm your fears
00:36:27Have you been briefed on the virus?
00:36:29Yes, I have
00:36:30It's very much, we hope, under control
00:36:33Oh my God, that's such great news
00:36:37But why does that sound familiar?
00:36:39Are there words about a pandemic at this point?
00:36:42No, we're not at all
00:36:42And we're, we have it totally under control
00:36:45It's one person coming in from China
00:36:48And we have it under control
00:36:50It's, uh, gonna be just fine
00:36:54And it was
00:36:57So
00:37:01I didn't need the thumbs
00:37:04President Trump dismissed weapons fire between the U.S. and Iran
00:37:08As a love tap
00:37:09He also called gas prices
00:37:11Gentle sodomy
00:37:15FBI Director Cash Patel
00:37:17Ah, well played
00:37:22FBI Director Cash Patel has reportedly been giving out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff
00:37:29Cash Patel whiskey
00:37:30So strong you won't be able to see straight
00:37:37Jeffrey
00:37:39Jeffrey
00:37:42Even I have limits
00:37:46Jeffrey Epstein's alleged suicide note was released that contains the phrase
00:37:50What you want me to do, bust out crying?
00:37:53Which is apparently referencing a line from a Little Rascals movie
00:37:57And I think this note is real because Little Rascals were Epstein's type
00:38:08Health Secretary RFK Jr. posted a picture of himself holding a bird he caught at Dulles Airport
00:38:15And then a second picture of himself burping feathers
00:38:22The FDA has authorized its first fruit-flavored e-cigarette intended for adults
00:38:27Okay, but if it's for adults, then why is this the commercial?
00:38:32E-cigs!
00:38:35This week, President Trump met at the White House with the President of Brazil
00:38:39A parrot with a BBL
00:38:45I really wanted that one to work
00:38:47Kamala Harris has reportedly told donors
00:38:50That she wants the DNC to release its autopsy
00:38:53Of what went wrong in the 2024 campaign
00:38:56Autopsy? Come on, he's not dead
00:39:05Remember the parrot?
00:39:07The Met Gala took place in New York this week
00:39:10Here to give his thoughts on fashion's biggest night
00:39:12Is conservative political commentator Tucker Carlson
00:39:19Thank you, Colin
00:39:20The Met Gala
00:39:22A night of fashion and fun
00:39:24Huh, really?
00:39:26Yes, come on, everybody
00:39:28Let's all prance around in our $100,000 clown outfits
00:39:31And watch the American Empire crumble
00:39:34What are we doing?
00:39:36What's going on?
00:39:38So you didn't like this year's Met Gala?
00:39:40Oh, no, I loved it
00:39:42Because when I go to a museum
00:39:43I don't want to talk about history
00:39:45No, I want to look at the rock in a skirt
00:39:49Do you smell what the rock is cooking?
00:39:51Because I do
00:39:52It's gender confusion
00:39:53That's the rule
00:39:55That's the goal now
00:39:57I don't think that's the goal
00:39:59I think it's just like meant to be fun
00:40:01Okay, well, what about Madonna?
00:40:03She named herself after the Virgin Mary
00:40:05And you want to know my favorite thing
00:40:07About the mother of Jesus Christ?
00:40:09Oh, I know
00:40:09The big pirate ship on her head
00:40:12And I have to be attracted to this?
00:40:16You don't have to be attracted to any of it
00:40:18I mean, weren't there any outfits you liked?
00:40:20I mean, Heidi Klum's was fun, right?
00:40:21Oh, yes!
00:40:22The left has finally gotten what they've always wanted
00:40:25They put the Statue of Liberty in a burka
00:40:27All right
00:40:35No, you know
00:40:38You know that's not what she was doing
00:40:40Oh, what's next?
00:40:41Does the Chrysler Building become the anti-Chrysler Building?
00:40:44What are we doing?
00:40:46What's going on?
00:40:48Is this the New York we want to live in, Colin?
00:40:51Don't you live in, like, Maine?
00:40:52Yes, and let's talk about Maine
00:40:55M-A-I-N-E?
00:40:58Huh, really?
00:41:00The E is silent
00:41:01But who silenced it?
00:41:02And why?
00:41:05What the hell are you talking about?
00:41:07You're talking about the silent E in Maine now
00:41:11I'm glad you brought it up, Colin
00:41:12I did
00:41:13And what does that E stand for?
00:41:15Oh, I know
00:41:17Euphoria
00:41:18No
00:41:18Oh, yes, euphoria
00:41:20And no, I'm not talking about the feeling I get
00:41:23When I press 1 for English
00:41:29Come on, man
00:41:30Oh, and look who's next coming down the runway
00:41:33It's Jafar Jackson
00:41:34Who had the gall to show up after starring in the Michael Jackson movie
00:41:39Oh, yeah, some people were very upset about that movie, yeah
00:41:41And they should be
00:41:42The movie ends in 1988
00:41:44So obviously they avoided something serious
00:41:47That needs to be acknowledged
00:41:49The part of Michael Jackson's life
00:41:51No one wants to talk about anymore
00:41:53Of course, I'm talking about the part
00:41:55When he was a white man
00:41:56Okay
00:41:56Oh, sorry kids
00:41:58Michael Jackson doesn't get to live a beautiful white life anymore
00:42:01Huh, who does that remind me of?
00:42:03Oh, that's right
00:42:04All of us
00:42:05That's the rule
00:42:07That's the goal now
00:42:09Shimona?
00:42:10Yeah
00:42:10More like shame on ya
00:42:13Oh, Jesus, dude
00:42:16That's just awful
00:42:17And now, a word from our sponsor
00:42:19What?
00:42:19Round bananas
00:42:20You want to eat bananas without looking gay?
00:42:23Try round bananas
00:42:26No
00:42:26No
00:42:27No
00:42:27You can't do ad reads on the show
00:42:29Now let's talk about A$AP's Rocky outfit
00:42:32A$AP Rocky's outfit
00:42:34He was on the red carpet wearing my least favorite color
00:42:37African American
00:42:38No, no, no, no
00:42:39Tucker Carlson, everyone
00:42:41Tucker Carlson
00:42:42Come on
00:42:44Do it
00:42:44Do it
00:42:45Do it
00:42:46Do it
00:42:46Do it
00:42:49Tina Charles
00:42:50The
00:42:52Tina Charles
00:42:53The WNBA's all-time lead and rebounder
00:42:55Announced that she is retiring
00:42:57Charles credits her rebounding success
00:42:59To WNBA players missing a lot
00:43:09This week was Teacher Appreciation Week
00:43:12So thank you
00:43:16Teacher Appreciation Week
00:43:17So thank you to the greatest teacher of all time
00:43:20Dad's Belt
00:43:24Want to take back the applause?
00:43:27Kyle Rittenhouse who opened fire at a 2020 civil rights rally
00:43:31Was being treated after being bitten by a venomous spider
00:43:34And posted this picture from the hospital
00:43:37And you can see where the spider bite left two fat lumps
00:43:45A woman in Florida was arrested after she allegedly kicked a boy at a youth football game
00:43:50But on the bright side, it's good
00:43:55It's so dumb
00:43:57This week military officials would not officially confirm or deny reports of the U.S. using kamikaze dolphins
00:44:04With mines strapped to their bodies against Iranian battleships
00:44:08Here to end the debate are two kamikaze dolphins
00:44:16We're ready to die for your country
00:44:18And that's all you got for us
00:44:19Get on your feet
00:44:23Get on your feet
00:44:24Get on your feet
00:44:24Get on your feet
00:44:25Yeah, alright, alright
00:44:26Get on your feet
00:44:28Get on your feet
00:44:29Okay
00:44:29I gotta say, I'm shocked you guys are real
00:44:32How do you even become a kamikaze dolphin?
00:44:34Go, go, do the same way everybody goes to the army
00:44:37Recruiter came by our reef
00:44:39And he said he had an opportunity
00:44:41And frankly, Colin, I had hit reef bottom at this point
00:44:45And my life had no porpoise
00:44:49Wow
00:44:52So you guys, you guys are cool just like swimming into a boat and blowing yourselves up
00:44:56Yeah, man
00:44:58I mean, there's not a lot of options for dolphins, Colin
00:45:01I mean, what, we go to SeaWorld?
00:45:03I'd rather die than live in Orlando, man
00:45:07Plus, if a dolphin dies an honorable death in heaven, you're rewarded with 72 sturgeons
00:45:15Oh
00:45:16Oh, you long porpoise
00:45:18Hold the hair
00:45:19Oh, my God
00:45:21It's a good park
00:45:23Surgeons instead of virgins
00:45:26Oh
00:45:26Dude, look at my tail, Colin
00:45:28Look at my, look at our tails
00:45:30Look at what we can do
00:45:31Do you see what we do?
00:45:34What, what are you doing while you're waiting to be deployed?
00:45:37Can I ask?
00:45:38Oh
00:45:40What else, man?
00:45:41Having sex as much as possible?
00:45:43Yeah, right
00:45:43Regular dolphins are already mad and horny
00:45:46But dolphins who know they're gonna die soon?
00:45:48Oh, yeah, we're a problem
00:45:50Yeah, dude
00:45:50I got a deep ocean kink
00:45:53You know what I'm saying, Colin?
00:45:55I've been swimming down to the dark zone
00:45:57Smashing some freaky fuglies
00:46:00Angler fish with a light on it
00:46:02Blew its back out last night
00:46:05Oh, no
00:46:05You know that light?
00:46:07Say, you'll love this
00:46:08I put that light on its head in my mouth
00:46:10Blew, blew, blew, blew, blew
00:46:12Blew, blew, blew, blew, blew, blew, blew
00:46:13And I watched
00:46:16I watched
00:46:17I watched it
00:46:19Yeah, but me personally
00:46:21I like a thick bitch
00:46:24I swam my ass up to a big old honey the other day
00:46:28Let's just say
00:46:30I turn that blue whale into a sperm whale
00:46:33Bam, bam, bam, bam
00:46:34Bam, bam
00:46:36Bam
00:46:37I am!
00:46:40Bam!
00:46:40Yep.
00:46:41All right, let's, uh...
00:46:44Let's switch gears.
00:46:46How do you know which boat to even swim into?
00:46:49Can I ask?
00:46:49We don't. We're dolphins.
00:46:51We're just swimming with this stuff, man.
00:46:54But if you have fish, we work for you.
00:46:56That's kind of how it is.
00:46:57So if I have fish, you'll work for me?
00:47:00Yeah.
00:47:00Yep.
00:47:00And you guys can sink any type of boat?
00:47:03Like, let's say a ferry that's a huge...
00:47:07a huge financial drain on its owner.
00:47:09Yep!
00:47:10If you got fish, we'll do it.
00:47:11Well, then, fellas, I think I've got a job for you.
00:47:15Yeah!
00:47:16Very boozy dolphins, everyone.
00:47:22Come out of here. Come out of here.
00:47:29Doris Fisher, the co-founder of The Gap,
00:47:31has died at the age of 94.
00:47:34She has survived by her Gap kids.
00:47:40A group of middle school students in Mississippi
00:47:42kept their bus from crashing
00:47:44after the driver passed out behind the wheel.
00:47:46The town says the kids are heroes who acted quickly,
00:47:50while the bus driver says the kids
00:47:52robbed me of the death I have long begged for.
00:47:57A DoorDash driver in New York
00:47:59has been indicted on charges
00:48:00that she recorded a passed-out naked customer
00:48:03and posted it on TikTok.
00:48:05And even worse, she didn't even get my good side.
00:48:11It's not a very good side.
00:48:14Thanks.
00:48:15Police in New Jersey are investigating a construction site
00:48:17after a port-a-potty mysteriously exploded.
00:48:21Though in New Jersey,
00:48:22that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings.
00:48:27That's beautiful.
00:48:29A recent study found that people
00:48:30who are chronically late
00:48:31are more likely to be viewed
00:48:32by their peers as unpleasant.
00:48:34Here to comment on this is Jane Wickline.
00:48:38Hi.
00:48:40Hello, and I'm so sorry again
00:48:42about being late today.
00:48:43Oh, yeah.
00:48:44You know, just don't take this the wrong way.
00:48:46I just don't understand
00:48:47how you can be late for a job
00:48:48that starts at 11.30 p.m.
00:48:49Right.
00:48:51Yeah, I know.
00:48:52I have a really hard time being on time places,
00:48:54but I know the effects my lateness has on others,
00:48:56so I really want to make things right.
00:48:58I think that's good of you, Jane.
00:49:02This song is dedicated to
00:49:03everyone I've ever made wait for me,
00:49:05and it comes from the bottom of my heart.
00:49:10Everyone's asking my ETA.
00:49:13Everyone has to get off my ass.
00:49:16No one needs to know if I'm on my way.
00:49:18Calm the F down and focus on you.
00:49:25I am late.
00:49:26What are you gonna do?
00:49:28Nothing.
00:49:29I thought so.
00:49:32I am late,
00:49:34and I'm not gonna text you.
00:49:35I'm not even rushing.
00:49:37Maybe I'll walk.
00:49:40Yeah, I thought you wanted to make things right.
00:49:42Oh, I am.
00:49:44Someone texts the chat.
00:49:46They're running three minutes behind.
00:49:47It must be a holiday where we say useless stuff.
00:49:51Dan says the theater doesn't have previews.
00:49:54Take a Klonopin, Dan.
00:49:56You're stressing me out.
00:50:00You wanna know if I'm on my way?
00:50:04Guess what, bitch?
00:50:05I'm gonna show up 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone.
00:50:1040 minutes late with an ice cream cone.
00:50:1340 minutes late with an ice cream cone.
00:50:15I'll look you straight in the eyes, say the trains were slow.
00:50:20With ice cream dripping all down my hand.
00:50:2340 minutes late with an ice cream cone.
00:50:25It just, it seems like you aren't respecting other people's time.
00:50:30Well, it's more complicated than that.
00:50:32It's not that I don't respect your time.
00:50:35It's just that looking at my phone matters more than our friendship.
00:50:40People should build their schedules around me
00:50:43And generally treat me like I am God.
00:50:47Introducing our lovely backup dancers, Lola and Rebecca!
00:50:57Give it up for them.
00:50:58Sorry, where are they?
00:51:00Um, they're late, as is their right.
00:51:04If I were early then I would have to wait
00:51:07And I would rather it be you
00:51:09So I'm gonna show up 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone.
00:51:13I'm 40 minutes late and I'm on my phone.
00:51:1640 minutes late, six melting scoops.
00:51:18I tried like a hundred samples.
00:51:2140 minutes late and I picked vanilla.
00:51:24There was a huge line and I paid with a check.
00:51:30I was born late and I will die never.
00:51:32I will get there when I get there if I get there.
00:51:35I am late and that won't kill you.
00:51:38You can all go to hell.
00:51:39You can go to hell.
00:51:41I'm late.
00:51:42Jane Wickline, everyone.
00:51:47They're here now.
00:51:48If you get an update, I'll call a joke.
00:51:50I'm Michael Sheridan, 94.
00:51:52Where are you?
00:51:53You have one, two.
00:52:15So, again, those are some of the key elements of the Roaring Twenties.
00:52:20And Mr. Connolly will go into greater detail when he's feeling better
00:52:24and he's back in class hopefully tomorrow.
00:52:27Any questions?
00:52:29Okay.
00:52:30Well, we're almost out of time.
00:52:33Just before I go, I just want to say that it has been an honor
00:52:36and a privilege to be your substitute teacher these past few days.
00:52:39And you've all been so attentive and respectful
00:52:41and that's not always the case, I can tell you.
00:52:46So, since you've been so well behaved, I just want to have a little treat.
00:52:52I thought maybe for the last few minutes,
00:52:55I'd give everyone a chance just to kind of let loose,
00:52:58get out of your seats and, you know, dance a little bit.
00:53:01All right?
00:53:03All right.
00:53:04Here we go.
00:53:05Let's do it, guys.
00:53:06Here we go.
00:53:07That's it.
00:53:07We're just going to let loose.
00:53:08Just come on up and dance.
00:53:10Here we go.
00:53:11We don't get to do this every day.
00:53:12I know.
00:53:13Come on.
00:53:14Here we go.
00:53:14We're going to get the wiggles out, you know.
00:53:16Let's just get into our bodies a little bit
00:53:17and we're going to kind of feel that.
00:53:19It just feels good to be in your body.
00:53:21David, I see you.
00:53:22You're ready to let loose.
00:53:23Come on up.
00:53:24Come on, buddy.
00:53:25Don't be afraid to dance with your teacher.
00:53:27It's okay.
00:53:28Come on, David.
00:53:29Come on.
00:53:30Get up here.
00:53:31Wait, Isabel.
00:53:32Wait, Isabel.
00:53:33Hang on.
00:53:34Hang on.
00:53:35Izzy, I know.
00:53:35Look, I know you're shy.
00:53:36You're shy.
00:53:38Okay, but on the dance floor,
00:53:39I have a feeling you're going to be like Shakira.
00:53:41Come on.
00:53:41Let's do some of that.
00:53:43Come on.
00:53:43Hey, Sammy.
00:53:44Sammy.
00:53:45We all know you can dance.
00:53:46Come on, Sammy.
00:53:47Come on up here.
00:53:49Show us what you got.
00:53:50Wait.
00:53:50Wait.
00:53:50I see Franklin's about.
00:53:52He's about ready to jump in here.
00:53:53Franklin.
00:53:54Come on.
00:53:54You're going to come take over my spot?
00:53:56You want to take my territory?
00:53:57Let's go.
00:53:58Move over, teach.
00:53:59You know, let's see some.
00:54:00Wait.
00:54:00Franklin's feeling it.
00:54:01Come on.
00:54:01Wait.
00:54:01Jesse.
00:54:02Hold on.
00:54:02Wait.
00:54:03Is Jesse going to beat Franklin up here?
00:54:05Uh-oh.
00:54:05We got a battle coming, guys.
00:54:07Girl, get up here.
00:54:08Come on, girl.
00:54:09Don't play me, girl.
00:54:10Come on.
00:54:11Let's check.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:12Let's check.
00:54:12Wait.
00:54:12Daphne knows what I'm talking about.
00:54:13Right, Daphne?
00:54:14Huh?
00:54:15Daphne's about to break out some of those botnitzvah moves.
00:54:18Right, Daphne?
00:54:19Come on.
00:54:19We vibing now.
00:54:21And Amber.
00:54:21Uh-oh.
00:54:22I see Amber about to make a move.
00:54:24Oh, look out.
00:54:25It's an Amber alert.
00:54:26It's an Amber alert, y'all.
00:54:27Go, Amber.
00:54:28Go, Amber.
00:54:30Go, Amber.
00:54:31Woo.
00:54:31We are feeling it now.
00:54:32Rick's feeling it, too.
00:54:33Rick, right, Rick?
00:54:34Come on.
00:54:34Let's go.
00:54:35Rick and Franklin are about to tag team up here.
00:54:37Oh, here we go.
00:54:38Now it's about to kick off.
00:54:40Franklin, Rick.
00:54:41Franklin, Rick.
00:54:42Franklin, Rick.
00:54:43Come on.
00:54:44Uh-oh.
00:54:44I'm about to catch a daphne.
00:54:45I'm on a fishing expedition.
00:54:47Oh, here we go.
00:54:48Oh, let's pull her in.
00:54:49Let's pull her in.
00:54:50Wait.
00:54:50She's putting up a fight.
00:54:52But she's about to flop on this dance floor.
00:54:54Come on.
00:54:55Let's get those wiggles out, daphne.
00:54:56Come on.
00:54:57Let's do it.
00:54:57Come on.
00:54:58Let's shake your booty with the substitute.
00:55:00Come on.
00:55:01Let's get some of that.
00:55:02Right?
00:55:03You can't touch this.
00:55:04Can't touch this, right?
00:55:05We know this one.
00:55:06Can't touch this.
00:55:07I'm bringing you back to my days.
00:55:09Come on.
00:55:10Everybody up.
00:55:10Let's go.
00:55:11And five.
00:55:12Come on.
00:55:13Everybody up.
00:55:14Everybody down.
00:55:16Everybody up.
00:55:17Everybody down.
00:55:18Everybody.
00:55:19I champ it.
00:55:19Everybody down.
00:55:20Everybody up.
00:55:21Everybody down.
00:55:22Now free.
00:55:25Woo!
00:55:29All right.
00:55:31All right.
00:55:32Well, that was fun.
00:55:35That was a lot of fun.
00:55:40A lot of fun.
00:55:41Really fun.
00:55:42Wow.
00:55:43It's really a lot of fun.
00:55:50I might actually head out a little before you guys.
00:55:55Um, maybe take the boom box and, uh, just kind of get in my car.
00:56:01Maybe leave.
00:56:03Um, just before you guys.
00:56:04Maybe.
00:56:05Just head home.
00:56:06Stay home.
00:56:07You know.
00:56:08Maybe move.
00:56:09Maybe a different country.
00:56:11Um, but, yeah.
00:56:14It's all good.
00:56:15Feeling good for the summer.
00:56:17What?
00:56:18Hard to complain when it's almost summer.
00:56:21So, yeah.
00:56:23Yeah, that was fun.
00:56:26That was really, really, really, really, really, really fun.
00:56:31Um, okay.
00:56:35Thanks.
00:56:44Did, did that happen?
00:56:50I prefer to pretend that it didn't happen.
00:56:54Hey, guys.
00:56:55I can see him.
00:56:57He's in the parking lot.
00:56:59He's just kind of standing there with his head against a tree.
00:57:05Hey, Rick.
00:57:07Isn't that your dad?
00:57:10Yeah.
00:57:21Yeah.
00:57:22Yeah, that's, uh, that's my dad.
00:57:27Hey, I'm, I'm sorry, bro.
00:57:30These next few weeks are going to be really, really bad for you.
00:57:39Yeah, they really are, huh?
00:58:06You're welcome.
00:58:09Once again, Noah Kahn.
00:58:42I would point them at my dad and he'd get mad, as God forbid I hurt someone, I hurt anyone
00:58:51I could. Anyone who got too close and anyone who wouldn't look.
00:58:59I was born into a 100-year storm. Put a fast across Vermont in that dark and that frosted heart
00:59:11was born. Malcontented and unworn. You were unsuspected, not unworn.
00:59:23You have the trouble ahead. Got to sleep in my sleep. You're putting money on rent. I'm going to show
00:59:32a bed at Illusion Street. I keep showing you doors, but you can't open them up.
00:59:41Cause it gets harder to see me in the closet. Try to look. I just think fear, baby, but you're
00:59:49the one who decided to know. You know.
00:59:55Have you ever stared directly at the sun? Have you ever shared some closeness so exposed to habits fit back
01:00:07by someone?
01:00:08So forgive me if I jump. Have to rattle up your keys. Oh, are you leaving? No, babe, I'm just
01:00:18waking up. Now what? I'm not staring at the ceiling. Listing reasons you should back all your things up.
01:00:30I'm having trouble ahead. I'm having trouble ahead. Watch the screen in my sleep. You're putting money on rent. I'm
01:00:38sure a bed. Losing street. I keep showing you doors. But you can't open them up.
01:00:47Cause it gets harder to see me in the closet. Try to look. I just think, baby, you're the one
01:00:55who decided to know.
01:01:11I'll come so long before the anger comes. I'll be only what you've known of me till now. Oh, I
01:01:22hope you're moving on. I'm in trouble. Hey.
01:01:26I have to scream in my sleep
01:01:30Putting money on red
01:01:32Much so bad than losing strength
01:01:35I can turn you doors
01:01:38She can't open them up
01:01:41She gets harder to see me
01:01:44Closer you try to look
01:01:46I just leave you baby to the world
01:01:49I just leave you baby to the world
01:01:52I just leave you baby to the world
01:01:58Here you are!
01:02:00Here you are!
01:02:47And now, a scene from the crumbling marriage of two auctioneers
01:02:55I'm home!
01:02:56Honey Bunny, Honey Bunny
01:02:57Can I get a smile, can I get a hi
01:02:59Can I get a hello, Honey Bunny
01:03:00Can I get a hug, Can I get a g order, Honey Bunny
01:03:02Well, look who comes crawling home late at Sin
01:03:06Where have you been?
01:03:07Been!
01:03:07Been!
01:03:08Been!
01:03:08Been!
01:03:08Been!
01:03:09Been!
01:03:09Been!
01:03:09Been!
01:03:10Been!
01:03:11I've been waiting here for
01:03:122, 2, 2, 3, 3
01:03:13Do I hear a 4, 4, 4, 5-5, 5-5-5
01:03:165-5-5, 5-5-5 hours
01:03:17You said you'd be home by 8, 8-15
01:03:198 30, 835 with traffic
01:03:21Now it's 11.45, 11.50, do I hear 11.55, 55, 55, 55, 55?
01:03:25It's midnight!
01:03:26Bulls coming from the man past his parameter cowboy hat.
01:03:29I can explain, darling.
01:03:31It was bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper.
01:03:34I took I-10, I-10, I-10, Kinnigan and I-10.
01:03:36I took I-10 to I-20 to I-20, I-20, I-20, I-30, I-30, I-30.
01:03:40I got off at exit 40 and went straight through the Whataburger drive-through
01:03:44and got a honey butter chicken biscuit and took my time.
01:03:47Meanwhile, you got a woman waiting for you at home.
01:03:51Now, folks, this is a fine woman.
01:03:53This woman is lean and mean and wean.
01:03:56She weighs not 80 pounds, not 90, not 91, not 92, not 92 and a half,
01:04:01not 92 and three quarters, not 98, 7, 8, not 98, 8, 9, 7, 9, 7, 8.
01:04:05Much higher.
01:04:05Higher, higher, higher, every single day since the day we were wed.
01:04:09How dare you!
01:04:11Meanwhile, folks, I can smell it, I can smell it, I can smell it from here.
01:04:14You've been drinking, you've been drinking, you've been drinking.
01:04:15Was it one glass, two glass, three glass, four glass?
01:04:17Can I hear a bottle?
01:04:18One bottle, two bottle, three bottle, four bottle, how many bottles?
01:04:20Oh, that's rich coming from you when you rick a perfume
01:04:23and you got lip gloss on your collar.
01:04:25I know you're with them sinful girls.
01:04:27I know you're with Bella, Bailey, Bobby, Bambi, Birdie, Bulla, Buggy, Betsy, Betty, Bonnie, Brenda, and you with Samantha.
01:04:34No, no, no, no, no, no, maybe.
01:04:35You were with Betty Botter and I bet you bought her butter.
01:04:38I would never buy her butter because I know your butter's better.
01:04:40I know you like her butter better because I bet her butter's hot.
01:04:42Now, how can you blame me, folks, when how many times have we had sex in the last year?
01:04:46Was it 20 times?
01:04:4620 times?
01:04:47Can I get a 20?
01:04:4720?
01:04:48Was it 10?
01:04:48Was it 10?
01:04:48Was it 10?
01:04:49Was it 5?
01:04:49Was it 4?
01:04:50No, the winner is zero sex in the last calendar year.
01:04:53Well, folks, there's a reason for that.
01:04:56Reasons I will illuminate presently.
01:05:00I had a headache.
01:05:01I had a backache.
01:05:02I had a toothache.
01:05:02I was cold.
01:05:03I had a magnet.
01:05:04I had a long night.
01:05:05I had a big lunch.
01:05:05I was tired.
01:05:06I had a phone call with my sister.
01:05:08I had a phone call with my mother.
01:05:09I had a fight on a phone call with my sister and mother.
01:05:10And I had a headache.
01:05:11I had a migraine.
01:05:12And most importantly, I'm old.
01:05:14And honey, buddy, the thought of your naked Whataburger body literally disgusts me.
01:05:20I want a divorce!
01:05:24You do?
01:05:26Well, maybe that'd be for the best.
01:05:29Well, folks, it has come to this.
01:05:32It looks as if this marriage is going once, going twice, last, 10, falls in these marriages!
01:05:38Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:05:40Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma,
01:05:42ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.
01:05:43Do I hear you're getting a divorce?
01:05:45Played up, Couch, and Cullinan Amity Department.
01:05:46Is it my fault?
01:05:47It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault.
01:05:49It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault.
01:05:50I'm all four of you.
01:05:51I just said the quiet part out loud, but don't worry, boys.
01:05:52We have a special offer today.
01:05:53Who wants Daddy on weekends?
01:05:54Daddy on weekends, Daddy on weekends.
01:05:56Can I get Daddy on weekends?
01:05:57Nobody, nobody.
01:05:58Okay, who wants Daddy on Christmas?
01:05:59Daddy on Christmas?
01:06:00Anybody want...
01:06:00Do we have one taker?
01:06:02Now, remember, folks, this is Dad on Christmas.
01:06:04We're talking dirt bikes, PS5s, and pizza, pizza, pizza.
01:06:07Yo!
01:06:08The vibes will be worse at Daddy's house, but there will be more TV and a lot more rules.
01:06:13Less rules.
01:06:14All right, yep, I heard y'all yelling next door, and I'd like to make an offer on that little
01:06:18lady who is no longer spoken for...
01:06:21Neighbor Frank, bidding on little old me?
01:06:25Yes, ma'am, I am a freak in the bedroom.
01:06:28We can do it upside down, on all fours, from the front, from the back, from the side, doggie style,
01:06:31piggy style, and country front.
01:06:33Here you all fancy my wife has caused me to re-enter the bidding.
01:06:36Can I get a second chance?
01:06:38Can I get a second chance, second chance, second chance, second chance?
01:06:40How about a third chance?
01:06:41How about a fourth chance?
01:06:41Can I get any kind of chance at all?
01:06:42Because to me, you are priceless.
01:06:45That's right, baby doll, you are priceless.
01:06:49Sold to me, the happiest little lady on earth.
01:06:52Yep!
01:07:12Thank you to Noah Khan and Aziz Ansari, and you to the amazing cast and crew, and happy Mother's Day
01:07:19to all the wonderful mothers out there.
01:07:21We love you!
01:07:23We love you!
01:07:28We love you!
01:07:30We love you!
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