- 7 hours ago
First broadcast 9th September 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Sandi Toksvig
Lee Mack
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Sandi Toksvig
Lee Mack
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight,
00:07once again, the eyes have it. I spy with my little eye, the illustrious, Sandy Toxvig.
00:19The indubitable, Jimmy Carr.
00:26The incorrigible, Lee Mack.
00:31And the hilarious Alan Davies.
00:40And I hear with my little ear, they're buzzers, Sandy goes.
00:45Aye, aye.
00:47Jimmy goes.
00:48Aye, aye.
00:50Lee goes.
00:51Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
00:53And Alan goes.
00:55I've got a lovely birthday to go.
01:00Now, don't forget your nobody knows joker.
01:03Yeah, nobody knows.
01:05That's the one, like that.
01:06There is a question tonight to which the real answer is, nobody knows, and if you can predict which that
01:11question is and wave your banner, then you'll get points.
01:14And so, to question I, I mean question one.
01:17No, I was right the first time.
01:19What's the difference between an I and an I-I?
01:24Have you heard of an I?
01:25It's a very useful word in Scrabble.
01:27A-I.
01:28It's yes.
01:29Oh yes, that's a yes.
01:30A sloth.
01:31A sloth, exactly.
01:32But what about an I-I?
01:34Two sloths.
01:37All right, so we've got the I. Where does the I live, this sloth? Where does it-
01:41In a tree.
01:43Yeah, in which part of the world would you expect to find it?
01:45South America.
01:46South America is the right answer.
01:47They're wonderful things.
01:48They look like humans dressed in a sloth costume, as a matter of fact.
01:52They're really-
01:52Yeah, but to be fair, you could say that about any animal, couldn't you?
01:54No, but they-
01:55A giraffe looks like a human dressed in a giraffe costume.
01:56You look at a picture of an I, and I think you'll see what I mean.
02:01That does look like a person in a costume.
02:03It looks like he's climbing up a tree, which looks like a man dressed as a tree.
02:09He also looks like he's made of that stuff they used to make dishmops out of, doesn't he?
02:13Their heads are very disproportionate, aren't they?
02:14They are, and they are, they live up to their name, they're very lazy, they spend most of their time
02:18up.
02:18They only come down to defecate, in fact.
02:20Sorry, they come down from a tree to defecate?
02:22Yes.
02:22The whole benefit of living in a tree is you can just-
02:24Poo on him, whomever you like.
02:26Maybe they've got a downstairs toilet.
02:28Yes.
02:29I thought that, I'd-
02:30Once you've had it put in, you want to use it, don't you?
02:33Also, very unusually for mammals, they need to bask in the sun to warm up their metabolism.
02:39So that's the I.
02:40You've got the I, but tell me about the I-I.
02:43Is the I-I spelt the same as the I?
02:45No.
02:45Obviously there's more letters.
02:46It's A-Y-E hyphen A-Y-E.
02:49I happen to have been and seen one.
02:52Very few people on earth have, because it's one of the most endangered species.
02:55Is it a Geordie version of that?
02:57No, that's the Y-I.
02:59Are we in the same, are we in the same part of the world?
03:02We're not in the same part of the world.
03:03Is it a sloth?
03:04An I-I, it's not a sloth.
03:05It's more closely related to us, it's a primate.
03:08Primate.
03:09But it's not an ape or a monkey.
03:11So what other kinds of-
03:12Is it the I-I-E or Angitac?
03:14Lemur?
03:14Lemur.
03:15It's a lemur.
03:16Therefore, it must come from only one place on earth.
03:18Oh!
03:18Bradford.
03:19Ah!
03:22It looks like someone's put some water on a gremlin.
03:24Yes, it does.
03:26That's exactly right, which you know you mustn't do.
03:29Never do that, ever.
03:29I would think that the animal on the left has an easier job getting a well-fitting hat.
03:34And the girlfriend.
03:35Yes.
03:37That may be why the I-I is so indented.
03:39It's Madagascar.
03:40Madagascar is the only place you get lemurs.
03:42You can't actually see in that photograph, but they have the most extraordinary middle finger,
03:45which is fully extended.
03:46It looks like a dried twig.
03:49It's really unusual.
03:50They tap with their finger on the barks of trees and bring out little worms and grubs,
03:55which they catch and eat off their fingers.
03:58It's like a piece of cutlery.
03:59So nature has designed them to eat hula hoops.
04:01Basically.
04:03That's extraordinary.
04:04Yes, zoologists would say they fill the niche that woodpeckers fill in other environments.
04:08But there are superstitions, are there not, about them?
04:10That if you, if you, pardon me if I did this to you, or this, and if one of those
04:15did that to you, that would be...
04:17That's right.
04:17It's called the Fada, which is the Malgash taboo system of the local people.
04:21And unfortunately, they regard them because they're nocturnal creatures, and because they look so weird, I suppose.
04:25They regard them as a curse, and they have a habit of killing them if they see them.
04:29It does look like a really bad hair transplant, doesn't it?
04:32It does.
04:33Well, I'm not surprised people kill them.
04:35That's one of the idea that, I mean, never mind superstition, but if you walk across the street doing that,
04:38you're going to go...
04:39People are going to go, well, I could take him on.
04:42And also, I'm not surprised they're endangered, because they're clearly not mating, are they?
04:46They look at each other and go, I'd rather not.
04:49They might need to go over to get the eye.
04:50It is dark, remember?
04:51All the ugly ones come out of the car.
04:53They do.
04:54That's how Jimmy made it.
04:57I'm happy to do it, love, but it's going to have to move the lights off.
05:05I can't believe your wife told you that still.
05:15It's like watching two 1970 Northern comics having a round.
05:19Well, because your wife said, yeah?
05:21Well, your wife doesn't exist.
05:22You what?
05:24They do that on the streets of New York with your mama, don't they?
05:27There's a whole series of...
05:28They do what with my mama?
05:31Why don't you say one's mama?
05:32One's mama.
05:33Yeah.
05:34I'd love you to do that on the streets of New York, Stephen.
05:37Oh, one's mama to you.
05:38Yes.
05:39That'd be a jolly old show them.
05:41Anyway.
05:42But you didn't get that right, so let's try it again.
05:44What's the difference between an eye and an eye-eye?
05:48It's the same question?
05:49Yes, but with different answers.
05:51Ay-ay-ay!
05:52Yeah.
05:52Is it different answers?
05:53Yes.
05:54Oh, I don't know.
05:57In the Navy this time.
05:58Oh, I know.
05:59Aye-aye, sir.
05:59Aye-aye, sir, and aye-aye, sir.
06:01Two different things.
06:02Yes.
06:02That's the difference.
06:03In the Navy, that's Kennedy's...
06:08You know how they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?
06:10Oh, do tell us.
06:10With a crowbar.
06:13Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
06:14Oh, dear.
06:15Oh, dear.
06:16Oh.
06:17As you know, they say aye in the Navy, but they also say aye-aye.
06:20Aye-aye.
06:21And there is a difference, and I want you to tell me what that difference is.
06:23Ah, does aye mean, yes, as in what do you want, and aye-aye, so you go, you, aye, go
06:29and mop the floor, aye-aye.
06:30Well, basically, yes.
06:31I mean, aye is an agreement or an assent.
06:33So the captain might say, it's a nice morning this morning, isn't it, sailor?
06:38And the sailor would go, aye, sir.
06:39But he might say, order hands to bathe, and then he'd go, aye-aye, sir, meaning I've heard your order,
06:44and I will carry it out.
06:45Well, no, it doesn't mean wash my hands, hands to bathe.
06:47What does it mean?
06:48All hands overboard?
06:49It sounds like everyone jumping in the water.
06:50Hands, because hands are what you call the ship's company.
06:53All sailors have a bath together now.
06:54Yes, in the sea, hands to bathe, there are times when you're in nice waters, and they say, oh, right,
06:58let the men swim in the sea.
06:59But don't take your hats off.
07:01Don't take your hats off.
07:02Whatever you do.
07:04Because don't take your hats off, the seagulls might need somewhere to land.
07:07Are they singing a song while that's going on?
07:10If synchronised swimmers dressed like that, you'd think more of the sport, wouldn't you?
07:13You would, wouldn't you?
07:14Get on TV more, that's pretty.
07:15And also, you could combine it with Total Wipeout, because you could run across the top as they're doing the
07:20synchronised.
07:22More eyes now.
07:23Why won't this woman stop staring at you?
07:27What?
07:28She's only human.
07:32Well, she's got her needs, like anyone.
07:36Are we being suggested to say, because their eyes are following you around the room?
07:39Yeah, they do.
07:40No, they actually, I mean, not they don't literally follow you around the room, but that experience is, wherever you
07:45are, in relation to that painting, she is looking at you.
07:48What if you're behind her?
07:49Behind the painting.
07:50That only works on paintings of owls, surely.
07:54There are other paintings.
07:55What's the most famous painting in the Wallace Collection in London?
07:58You know you're looking at the wrong person, don't you?
07:59Yes, yes.
08:02Certainly.
08:03I mean, you don't, it wasn't because your eyes are following you around the room, Steve.
08:08Certainly, the Wallace Collection is.
08:08I honestly thought someone stood behind me, then.
08:10I think I might notice that.
08:11Yes, Jimmy?
08:12Is it, is the Cavalier, is it the Cavalier?
08:13Yes, the Laughing Cavalier.
08:14The Laughing Cavalier.
08:15My friend's house.
08:16Very good.
08:17That, that has the same quality as well.
08:19I mean, it's true of a lot of portraits.
08:21Well, surely it's true of any painting where the person is looking at the, the artist.
08:25It's not unique to that painting, is it?
08:26No, it isn't.
08:27Any painting where the subject is looking towards the camera, for want of a better word.
08:31It's looking straight out, is the point.
08:32The strange thing is, if you have a painting where someone's looking down, even if you
08:35get down to where the eye level is, it will never look at you.
08:37You would look mad in an art gallery doing that.
08:41Look at me, look at me.
08:43But it doesn't look at you, that's the thing.
08:45You only look at you when they're looking straight out like this.
08:47Well, it's not like that with Scooby-Doo, though.
08:48Scooby-Doo, right.
08:50There's always somebody behind the painting, isn't there?
08:52Oh, that's true.
08:52And the eyes are moving.
08:54They really are following you around.
08:54And there's horror films, yeah, exactly.
08:56If you were to look at me now, and I walked over there, and you carried on fixing your
09:00gaze forward, you wouldn't be looking at me.
09:01So you would think it would possibly be true of the painting.
09:04But you're not looking at the eyes of the painting, you're looking through the eyes of
09:09the artist.
09:09So wherever you stand, you're looking through the eyes of the artist, not through your own
09:13eyes.
09:13Good night.
09:14That's rather beautiful.
09:15You said the Stephen is three-dimensional and the painting is two-dimensional.
09:18Yes, the painting, exactly.
09:18So that doesn't work.
09:20But because you're, I'm looking at you through my eyes, so if I walk over there, I'm still
09:25looking at you through my eyes, so it doesn't work.
09:26But I'm not looking at his eyes, the subject's eyes, am I?
09:29I'm looking through the artist's eyes, and they stay fixed at all times.
09:33Sorry, can I just ask Stephen?
09:34So it's like bending light.
09:35It's like having a telescope that bends round, and you're doing that looking through the artist's
09:41eyes.
09:42I'm going to say, I don't think you've fully understood it.
09:47I'm going to change the word nice to patronise.
09:51Well, I mean, yeah.
09:53And you're very kind with the word fully, because I don't think I understood any of it.
09:57Anyway, we've got this little example of a sort of optical illusion here.
10:03But if you photograph it in the right way, as you're about to see, the eye plays extraordinary
10:08tricks on you.
10:08So there it is.
10:09It's Einstein.
10:10There he is in profile.
10:11And there's the inverted bit.
10:14But hello, your eye tells you that's poking outwards.
10:17And yet it isn't.
10:19That's the inside bit.
10:20And your eye refuses to believe it until you get to that.
10:24That's great.
10:25Oh, you're twisting my melon, man.
10:27Isn't that extraordinary?
10:29Why does it do that?
10:30Well, it does that because your brain is programmed to recognise human faces.
10:34And it's one of the first things babies do is look at faces.
10:36And you expect to see a face.
10:38And even though you know it isn't a real face, your brain fills in the...
10:42I did it again.
10:43It's an astonishing illusion.
10:45And does this, Stephen, does it only work with Einstein?
10:47No.
10:48Would it work with another man?
10:49It would work with any human being.
10:52It is really creepy.
10:53It's amazing, isn't it?
10:54But it's done it.
10:55I can't believe it did the same trend twice.
10:57I know.
10:57The point is...
10:58Listen, we're not going to fall for it this time.
10:59And yet...
11:00Okay.
11:01No way.
11:01You've got three times on the road.
11:02Outside, outside, outside, outside.
11:04Outside, outside, outside.
11:05Outside, outside, outside, outside.
11:06This is going to be inside, Lee.
11:07Inside, inside, inside, inside.
11:10It's outside!
11:12Oh!
11:13How'd he do it?
11:13Wow.
11:14How'd he do it?
11:15It's so clever, isn't it?
11:16He's so clever.
11:17It is literally...
11:18We literally filmed this.
11:19I mean, you can see...
11:20That's all it is.
11:21This is a great trick.
11:22I might cut my head in half and scoop out my brain.
11:24I think somebody's beat.
11:28What a wonderful thing.
11:30It would make the most wonderful blancmange or something, wouldn't it?
11:32Wouldn't it?
11:32It would.
11:34Are we going to bother with the rest of the show?
11:36Because I could happily just...
11:37I know.
11:38I could...
11:38I mean, it was lovely chatting and everything,
11:40and I love what we do, but let's just...
11:43You're hypnotized.
11:44Have you got any others about my time?
11:46No, I tell you what we can do.
11:47We can make the Queen happy or sad.
11:49Oh.
11:49We've got a five-pound note.
11:50You can do this with your own five-pound notes,
11:51but we'll give you the demonstration.
11:53Okay.
11:53There it is.
11:53You do a little fold.
11:54This is five.
11:55Five-pound note.
11:55Oh.
11:56Oh.
11:58Oh.
12:00Oh.
12:00Oh.
12:01Oh.
12:02Oh.
12:06Do you remember when they were in the derby?
12:08Horse Carlton House came.
12:09It was winning.
12:10It was winning.
12:10He's winning.
12:11He's going to win the double.
12:12Bollocks.
12:15A Frenchman one.
12:16Does it only work on a five, though?
12:17Does it work on a bigger money?
12:18I think it'll work on most denominations.
12:20Any money?
12:20And will it actually work on the Queen if you tilt her?
12:22It will also work on the Sovereign herself.
12:25Is that why she looks so sad when she's bowing?
12:27It's not that the Queen bowed up as much as she's...
12:29Well, not...
12:30She's probably never bowed in her life, has she?
12:32Oh, no.
12:32No, I've met her.
12:33Yeah.
12:33Do you think she's ever bowed?
12:34Does she bow?
12:35She does, yes.
12:38Another thing is to find out where and how we look.
12:40And there is a whole science called gaze detection.
12:43No, I do not.
12:46Don't even look at me.
12:47Oh, it's a science, is it, Stephen?
12:50It's actually a dar, I believe.
12:52No, not the gay dar.
12:54Gaze detection.
12:56G-A-Z-E.
12:57And the tests are obviously done between men and women in the different way they look at bodies.
13:02When women look at a human being, they look at their faces.
13:05When men look at a human being...
13:08I know this.
13:08Yes.
13:10Yes, they...
13:11It's the...
13:12I'm afraid they look at their faces and their groins.
13:14Their personality.
13:16Ah, yeah.
13:16And their groins.
13:18And the American Kennel Association, even more disturbingly, found that when human beings look at animals,
13:22women look at the dog's face, men look at the dog's face and genitals.
13:27There's some things you can't hide.
13:29And gaze detection is most important commercially, though, for...
13:34For what?
13:35For the new idea that I've just had of writing advertising slogans on ladies' groins.
13:39No!
13:40We're going to be rich, Stephen.
13:42We're going to be rich.
13:44It's not just ladies' groins.
13:45Men look at men's groins.
13:46I'm afraid they do.
13:47That's the point.
13:48Yeah.
13:49You wouldn't get much of a slogan on a chihuahua, would you?
13:53You wouldn't get much of a slogan on me.
13:54Never mind the chihuahua.
13:55Oh, no.
13:56But why, though?
13:57Why do boys look at dogs' genitals?
13:59This is news to us.
14:01This is news to all of us.
14:03There's not one man in the room thinking this is a bit of observational comedy.
14:05You go, that's right.
14:07We're all going, what?
14:09You may not...
14:09You look at dogs' genitals?
14:10You may not know you do it, but you do it.
14:13These are what the experiments have shown.
14:14It's most useful in merchandising in supermarkets, basically, to see that there are certain areas
14:20in any store where people are automatically drawn, and therefore they're the most valuable,
14:25and therefore the items that go on there are the ones that are most being pushed.
14:28So if you really wanted to sell something to men, you should have a beautiful woman walk
14:32past, and you look at the things that are right by her eye, and she's got to have a dog
14:35with her with large genitals.
14:36Yeah.
14:37Well, yes, you're conflating the various things that I've said, but...
14:41I'm still horrified by men looking at dogs' genitals.
14:44I'm just...
14:44I feel even the same with horses.
14:46It's...
14:47Probably...
14:47It's news to men.
14:49I'm telling you...
14:49Horses don't do anything for our self-esteem.
14:51Yeah.
14:54I went to a wedding in a beautiful country church, and it was in the middle of fields,
14:59and so on, and the couple were having their pitch taken, and not one of us had noticed
15:02that there was a horse in the field just behind the happy couple.
15:06who had the biggest area of expertise I've ever seen.
15:12And that's all you can see in the photographs.
15:14They couldn't...
15:16They couldn't actually crop it out.
15:18It was so nice.
15:20Well, we must move on.
15:22Charming as this is, the way to get the eyes to follow you around the room is to paint them
15:25looking straight ahead.
15:26Next, a question about infancy.
15:28Which best-selling children's author has something to say on rabid dogs, suicide victims,
15:34slaughtering cattle, and how to tie your shoelaces?
15:37Aye, aye, aye!
15:38Yes.
15:39Katie Price.
15:42It's a wild stab in the dark.
15:44That was the title of her second book.
15:46Was it How to Slaughter Cattle?
15:48Yeah.
15:49Yeah, this is probably sold 150 million copies since its first publication.
15:52Sorry, is it in the children's book?
15:54It's written for children, yeah.
15:55Look at the boys looking around at the dog genitals.
15:57Which part of Timmy are you looking at?
15:59He is.
16:00Dick.
16:01That's Dick there on the left.
16:02That's Dick.
16:02Dick, Ann, and Julian.
16:04And Dick is looking at Timmy's bits.
16:05Both the bands.
16:06Girls, eyes forward.
16:07Boys going, hello.
16:09You see, even he did like you knew.
16:11So.
16:11It's an old English book?
16:13Published in, yeah, the Edwardian era.
16:16We're looking at the name of the book of the author.
16:18The name of the author was Robert Layton, Lord Baden Powell.
16:23Scouting for Boys.
16:25Scouting for Boys.
16:25Scouting for Boys is the right answer.
16:27Scouting for Boys?
16:28Yes.
16:28Something on suicide?
16:29It has.
16:30It has an amazing entry on suicide.
16:32Maybe you'd like to hear it.
16:33I would love to hear it.
16:34When a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide, women for some reason, a scout should know what
16:39to do with him.
16:41In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison, give milk and make him vomit.
16:45Which is done by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather.
16:48In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once, taking care to support it with one
16:53arm while cutting the cord.
16:54A tenderfoot, which is scouting for novice.
16:56It's hard to make that sound very simple.
16:58It does, doesn't it?
16:58A novice is sometimes inclined to be timid about handling an insensible man or dead man
17:03or even seeing blood.
17:04Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense.
17:09There you are.
17:12Slaughtering cattle?
17:13Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle.
17:15If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife, it's sometimes useful to first drop
17:21the animal insensible by a heavy blow with a big hammer or the back of a felling axe on
17:26top of the head.
17:28Kindest thing to do, Willie.
17:30Stopping a runaway horse?
17:32He doesn't give advice on that, does he?
17:34He does, yes.
17:34Lie down.
17:36That would stop the horse.
17:37Oh, no, they don't tread on you.
17:38No, they don't.
17:39Oh, I don't.
17:39Play dead.
17:41How would that stop the horse?
17:43Punching a ferocious grizzly bear again, aren't I?
17:45What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms.
17:48That's the mistake to make.
17:49What you should do is go to the side and basically just ease it towards the side of a wall
17:53or
17:54the side of a house.
17:54Oh, yeah.
17:55Not yet.
17:55When it's running, you ease a running horse to the side of a wall.
18:00Go with that.
18:01I'll just ease this running horse to the side of a wall.
18:03Yeah, you'll see it out of the corner of its eye and it will be pushed towards and it
18:06will slow it down naturally.
18:07According to Baden-Pack.
18:08Give us a hand.
18:09I can't.
18:10Uncle Pete's hung himself.
18:11What about seeing someone who's fallen in front of a train?
18:14Oh, don't worry.
18:15Oh, well, I know this.
18:15You ease the train up against a wall.
18:19If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails, make the man do the same till the
18:24train passes over while everyone else will be running about screaming and excited and
18:28doing nothing.
18:29You're supposed to jump on the track with him?
18:31Yeah.
18:31And push his head down?
18:32Yeah, lie flat.
18:33Does that work, though?
18:34Is there such a big gap between the wheels?
18:36Some people have done that.
18:36It does in movies, but I wouldn't be the one to try it.
18:39That'd be great if you hung yourself and then a scout cut you down and you went, oh,
18:42well, don't worry, I'll jump under a train.
18:44And again.
18:44He's here again.
18:47Hi, mate.
18:48I was given, I was once given a book that was given to women in the 17th century and
18:52it was advice for young ladies and the advice for the marriage bed.
18:56It says, of the marriage bed, you can't speak of a husband's appetite, so we will describe
19:01it in terms of food.
19:02And what it said is, you must feed your husband whenever he's hungry.
19:05You must feed him a variety of meals.
19:08We will soon find his eating next door.
19:11I like this book.
19:12Was it called The Good Old Days?
19:15Goodness gracious me.
19:17Well, with that in mind, here's an initiative test.
19:18What should you do if you were to meet a friendly jackal?
19:23Well, I know where my eyes are going.
19:28Do they use their friendliness to lure you into a terrible trap?
19:31Well, they sort of do.
19:33But how can it be friendly?
19:35I don't understand the concept of...
19:36That's the point.
19:37What does he tell you?
19:37They're only friendly under one circumstance, because they're wild animals.
19:40They're not tameable like normal dogs.
19:41If you're offering them the children.
19:42No, if they have rabies.
19:44Oh.
19:44One of the symptoms of rabies in wild animals is that they become very docile.
19:49And they'll approach humans and look rather submissive.
19:51And the great mistake, of course, would be to sort of pet them.
19:54It's the hint not that they're frothing at the mouth, usually.
19:57They don't always froth at the mouth, unfortunately, so you can't always tell.
20:00I did a trip for the BBC in which I canoed the Zambezi, which I don't recommend.
20:05You get a condition I can only describe as trench bottom.
20:08It's very, very hard.
20:10I was told all the way down to avoid all dogs because of rabies, I think.
20:13And I was very surprised to see that most of the local people in canoes had a dog with them.
20:17And I thought it was that nice.
20:18They've all got a pet.
20:20But it turns out that's not the case.
20:21They've got the dog in case they're attacked by a crocodile.
20:25Oh.
20:25So what they do...
20:26They throw the dog at the crocodile.
20:28They throw the dog at the crocodile.
20:29There's a piece offering.
20:31There's a sort of a tapas.
20:32And, um...
20:38Your husband.
20:39And sorry, did you both have a dog or did they just...
20:41No.
20:41They had you.
20:42No, I...
20:44We've got a small lady from the BBC we're using.
20:47Don't tell anyone.
20:49Have a toxic.
20:49Perfect.
20:50If you meet a friendly jackal, you should probably give it a good kicking to be on the safe side.
20:55The next question requires a bit of intelligence.
20:57Who finished off Russia's greatest love machine?
21:00Oh.
21:01Oh.
21:02Aye, aye, aye!
21:03Boney M.
21:06No, I can't believe that hasn't gone off.
21:10How's he go away with that?
21:12Unbelievable.
21:12That's amazing you've got away with that.
21:13Oh, we're talking about Rasputin, isn't it?
21:14We are talking about Rasputin.
21:15Okay, so let's go through the lyrics.
21:17This is all I know about.
21:18Ra-ra Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine.
21:20Lover of the Russian Queen.
21:22Yes, this is how I learnt history.
21:25If he doesn't rhyme, it can't be true.
21:28Do you know what?
21:28He killed him.
21:29Yes.
21:29Because that is what we don't really know.
21:31Oh, yes.
21:32Is it that moment?
21:34Well, except everybody tried, didn't they?
21:36There was a prostitute who tried it.
21:36I've had the way, Sandy Leonard's into that.
21:38Don't really know.
21:39We all do it together.
21:40But I do, you fools.
21:43There's...
21:44There's a man who's given credit for it, who claimed to be responsible.
21:47Who was Prince Felix Yusupov.
21:49Yeah.
21:49It seems historically that he wasn't personally responsible for it.
21:52He claimed to have poisoned him several times and the poison didn't work.
21:56And then they shot him.
21:56Then they shot him.
21:57There's Gregor Rasputin.
21:58And he was just plain shot in the forehead.
22:00But except that it goes on.
22:01It goes on, Stephen, because they tried to poison him and then he was shot and then he was drowned.
22:05And then they got him out of the river and they decided to burn him.
22:08And my favourite bit, which is not true at all, I'm sure, is that he then sat up in the
22:11fire.
22:11Yes, I know.
22:12He sat up.
22:12It's all part of kind of demonising this extraordinary man.
22:16I mean, what was his importance to Russia?
22:18Why was he worth killing?
22:19Do you know anything about him?
22:20Because he had the ear of the Tsarina.
22:21Because he had the ear of the Tsarina.
22:23I think he had more than her ear.
22:24Yeah, that's possible.
22:25Well, there were rumours, certainly, amongst...
22:26If that song is true.
22:27If that song is true, he certainly shagged a lot of women because he had a peculiar theological
22:31belief that the more you sinned, the more holy you were.
22:34Which is rather, rather, rather handy theology.
22:36But he basically had the freedom of the palaces.
22:38And this was around the time that Russia was about to join the First World War.
22:42And he tried to persuade the Tsar and Tsarina not to go to war with Germany.
22:46So, one of the countries that had a great interest in the death of Rasputin was Britain.
22:50Because we were at war with Germany.
22:52And we wanted at least half the German army to be occupied on the Eastern Front fighting the Russians.
22:58He doesn't look like a love machine, does he?
23:00It so happens, the last bullet that went into the brain of Rasputin was from a gun that could only
23:05have come from an MI6 operative.
23:07We don't know if, in fact, it was a British plot.
23:10But certainly it benefited Britain that Rasputin was killed because it kept Russia in the war for that little bit
23:15longer.
23:15He must have had a good chat-up line, because if you saw him at a party, you wouldn't think,
23:19I bet he pulls by the end of the year.
23:22But anyway, the point was, Prince Usupov arranged a party, and he claimed his autobiography,
23:26in which he gave cakes and drinks to Rasputin, which were filled with cyanide.
23:31And he didn't seem to move at all.
23:33And then they stabbed him, and then they shot him, and he got up again.
23:37So then they eventually threw him into the river, and they found when his body was exhumed that he'd drowned.
23:42But autopsy showed that this just isn't true.
23:43You know what? If I was at a party, and they gave me cakes full of cyanide, and then they
23:47stabbed me, I'd leave then.
23:49I would make my excuses no matter how rude it appeared before they got the gun out.
23:53I think I'd go, do you know what? I've got an early morning. I've got a thing.
23:57Well, what about the durable Mike Malloy? Have you heard of him?
24:00Now, here's a man who really wouldn't die. This is a very extraordinary story.
24:04The durable Mike Malloy. We're in the age of prohibition, and we're in New York City, and we've got a
24:13gang of criminals,
24:14because obviously anyone who runs a speakeasy is a criminal by definition doing prohibition, and they hit on a scam.
24:19They thought, we'll get some drunks, we'll get them to sign life insurance forms to our benefit,
24:25and then we'll just feed them so much alcohol that they'll die, and we'll get all the money.
24:32What can go wrong?
24:33Had they never met Irish people before?
24:37That's the problem.
24:38They ran out of booze. That's what happened.
24:41The owner, Anthony Marino, hatched this plan, got this Irishman, he was an Irishman, called Mike Malloy,
24:47and they befriended him, they plied him with free drinks, and they got him to sign three different life insurance
24:52policies,
24:53amounting to nearly $2,000, which was a lot of money in those days.
24:56After several weeks of free booze, they started to get a bit impatient, because he wasn't turning the hair.
25:00He kept singing the same song.
25:01So they started...
25:04God, he's doing that one again.
25:07Oh, daddy boy!
25:10The vibes, the vibes!
25:12They started adding antifreeze.
25:14He collapsed a bit, but he kept coming back for more drink.
25:17So they then gave him drinks that were filled with turpentine, horse liniment, rat poison, rotten oysters in wood alcohol,
25:24and sardines mixed with carpet tacks.
25:27Do we have any record of what he's...
25:28None of these have any effect.
25:30I suppose if it's on the house...
25:33He's downing that.
25:34So next, they got him drunk, they stripped him naked, this is midwinter in New York,
25:39and they poured five gallons of cold water on him before dumping him on a snowbank.
25:44If you've ever been in New York midwinter, it is seriously cold, it gets to minus 20 degrees sometimes.
25:48Why didn't they just shoot him?
25:50I think a bullet hole might have been, you know...
25:51Yeah, might have been a bit of a giveaway.
25:52Oh, I don't know, I think naked on a mound of snow is quite a giveaway, isn't it?
25:55Well, he was freaking...
25:56Drunk having sex with a snowman.
25:58Yeah, that's all right.
25:59But the police found him, and he turned up the next day saying,
26:01You'll never guess what happened, they found me in Central Park on the snow naked.
26:05I don't know how that happened.
26:06But they took me to a hostel and I got me these nice new clothes.
26:09And so, he carried on drinking.
26:11And they were really getting desperate.
26:12They paid a cab driver 150 bucks to knock him over.
26:16After two attempts, they left him sprawled in the road, awaiting news of his death.
26:21Several weeks later, he came fresh out of hospital, turning up looking for a drink.
26:26So, finally, they challenged him to a rigged drinking contest.
26:30They got him really, really pissed and then pushed up a gas hose in his throat and gassed him to
26:34death.
26:35So, they cheated.
26:37Yeah.
26:37But a few months later, don't worry, they started squabbling amongst themselves.
26:41And they all went down the river to Sing Sing and got fried in the electric chair, the whole gag.
26:47The thing that I find interesting about that story is when you said they put a gas hose in his
26:50mouth and cheated,
26:51the audience went, ah.
26:53But before that, when they were trying to kill the man,
26:57you'd be going, well, that just sounds like bloody good fun.
27:00And then the gas hose, you went, nah, that's not playing straight.
27:03No, it's not cricket.
27:04Not cricket.
27:05It's an interesting morality you're working with.
27:08Take a good, hard look at yourself.
27:12There he is.
27:12Well, that's the story of durable Mike Malloy.
27:15A hero of his time in some ways.
27:17Did he tell you that story?
27:18No.
27:19And he's here tonight.
27:22Comes in naked, full of gas.
27:25Oh, they didn't get me at all.
27:28He's up there.
27:31Now, how many things, beginning with eye, are there in this picture?
27:38Are we looking at insects?
27:40We are, Alan, you're spot on.
27:43So, we don't know?
27:44No, I think they will know.
27:45I think it's going to be like a square metre of sky and there's going to be a hundred thousand
27:50insects.
27:51There's billions.
27:52I mean, millions and millions.
27:53We couldn't count it.
27:54They take a square kilometre and they use little entomological radars to see how many there are.
27:59And the fact is, high up in the air, at all times, there are billions of insects.
28:04So, did they find this on the first space shuttle when they didn't have windscreen wipers because they went, well,
28:08Gary, we're really high.
28:09Well, actually, those is.
28:10The early days of flight, Lindbergh and various others, they started to do tests and they put sticky things on
28:15because they think, why are there insects so high up?
28:17As we got to go higher and higher.
28:19And the record was they found a termite at 19,000 feet.
28:22It was on an aeroplane.
28:24No.
28:24It wasn't going up.
28:25Boy, he was stuck.
28:26Yes.
28:2830 million large insects, which is larger than a ladybird, were discovered by this radar.
28:32But take into account smaller insects, like aphids or parasitic wasps, which outnumber the large ones by a factor of
28:39hundreds or so.
28:40You're talking about a serious quantity that are constantly in flight.
28:43Oh, there's like an insect belt around the world.
28:46So, how many insects do you eat a year while we're on the subject?
28:49Oh.
28:50Oh.
28:50Not on purpose, you mean?
28:51Not on purpose.
28:52Are you inhaling them all the time?
28:53Well, yeah.
28:54When do they get stopped by your systems?
28:56There are a few myths on the internet that, you know, most people might eat eight spiders a year.
29:01Well, the myth is that when you're sleeping, spiders crawl into your mouth.
29:05Please tell me that's not.
29:06Please, please tell me that's not true.
29:07Oh, it is not true.
29:09It's not true.
29:09It's hedgehogs.
29:11You wouldn't hide the hedgehogs.
29:13That wouldn't be so bad.
29:13It's coming.
29:15There's an oft-quoted internet thing about it being a pound a year, which is probably ever doing it.
29:19But to give you an example, in the USA, there are laws about how much insect matter can be sold
29:25in food, right?
29:26I would think so, too.
29:27So, the average jar of peanut butter is legally permitted to contain 30 insect fragments per 100 grams.
29:35Well, that's what makes it crunchy.
29:38And get the smooth stuff.
29:39There's nothing in it.
29:40You're not allowed any in the smooth, are you?
29:41And one rodent hair.
29:43No!
29:44No!
29:45There's also...
29:46That's an allowable limit.
29:48There's a weird thing on food safety where there's an acceptable amount of faeces allowed in food.
29:52That's right.
29:53Which is really distressing.
29:54Yes.
29:55I'll give it to you that.
29:56Tomato juice is allowed to contain 10 fly eggs, or two maggots, from the drossophilia fly, per 500 milliliters.
30:04Ginger is allowed 3 milligrams of mammalian excreta per 100 grams.
30:12Food paste is allowed to contain 13 or more insect heads per 100 grams.
30:18Ground marjoram, the kind you find in a little spice jar, can contain 1,175 insect fragments per 10 grams.
30:27Hot noodles, do what you like.
30:28Yeah.
30:30The point is there are allowable levels of tiny bits of insect in most food.
30:34They should put on the ingredients.
30:35It certainly wouldn't be pounds a year.
30:36But we have bits of insect inside as whether we like it or not.
30:39They never write that.
30:39You know when the ingredients on the side of things, because people are obsessed by calories,
30:43and what are the ingredients?
30:44Does it have any e-numbers in it?
30:45Is it fresh?
30:47That whole thing.
30:48Yeah.
30:48They never write...
30:49Mammadi excreta.
30:50Yeah.
30:51Tiny bit of shit in this.
30:53I mean, not much.
30:54No.
30:54But your recommended daily allowance of shit is tomato juice.
31:00Yeah.
31:00May contain a bit of crap.
31:02Now, eyes front, eyes by, general ignorance up ahead.
31:04What can you tell me about the lifespan of this lobster?
31:08Aye, aye, aye!
31:10I don't know, but look at the size of the fish he's just caught.
31:12He's...
31:13Not...
31:13Hey!
31:15I don't think...
31:16I don't think the fish was that big.
31:18I think he's given it all that.
31:19Yay!
31:20In theory, a lobster can live forever.
31:23In theory?
31:24It's not one of these, is it?
31:25Yes, it is.
31:27The point is you can't tell the age of a lobster.
31:30Just don't know.
31:30Well, Dave.
31:31Don't.
31:32Nobody knows.
31:32Oh, no.
31:32Thank God.
31:38So you say you can't tell the age of a lobster?
31:40No.
31:41Well, they shed their actual...
31:42The whole skin comes out, the whole case.
31:45Did you say lobsters can live forever?
31:47Well...
31:47In theory, we don't know.
31:48The trouble is we don't know, but in theory...
31:50And because they're benthic, because they're so far down on the ocean's floor, there may
31:53be giant submarine-sized lobsters for all we know, but we've never seen them.
31:57Yes, and they have a special sort of protease-type DNA enzyme called telomerase, which basically
32:03replaces lost DNA during cell division so that their cells remain young and pristine each
32:09time they divide, unlike with us where they just get flabbier and flabbier and flabbier.
32:14The largest on record was caught off Nova Scotia in 1977.
32:17It was, oh, three and a half foot long, from tail to claw.
32:20That's a lot smaller than a submarine.
32:22Yes, it's a lot smaller than this studio.
32:25It's a lot smaller than many things, but it's the largest lobster that's ever been caught.
32:29Yeah.
32:30But Sandy did say they could be as big as a submarine.
32:33Oh, sorry, I missed that bit.
32:34That's all right.
32:35I didn't just randomly say, three and a half foot?
32:39I've got an interesting fact about three and a half foot, but smaller than a submarine.
32:43Back to you, Stephen.
32:45Sorry.
32:45See, that was your interesting fact.
32:47It wasn't relevant to what you said.
32:49That would be a bonkers writing.
32:52I've got slightly too used to you saying rather stupid things.
32:58I apologise.
33:00I'm bending these.
33:01What, you mean stupid things like lobsters can live forever and grow to the size of submarines?
33:04That kind of thing.
33:06That kind of nutty thing.
33:06What makes sense in the picture is that it's red.
33:08Yes.
33:09It shouldn't be red.
33:10Why not?
33:10Because it's in the water.
33:11It should be black.
33:12Are they not only red?
33:13No.
33:14No.
33:16You thought it was dead.
33:17No.
33:18The vast majority of lobsters are a sort of darkish colour with little bits of sort of iridescent-y colours
33:24on them.
33:24But you can't get red ones.
33:25Have you ever seen a blue lobster?
33:28I'm not falling for this again, Stephen.
33:30Have you?
33:31I don't think I have seen a blue lobster.
33:33Would you like to see a blue lobster?
33:34Oh, here we go again.
33:35Go on.
33:36Are you going to hurt?
33:36Have a look behind you and you'll see a nice blue lobster.
33:39Look at that.
33:40Oh, yes.
33:40Just every now and again, you get a really blue lobster.
33:42You know, I just think BP have got a lot to answer.
33:46It's been sprayed by a vandal.
33:47It does look like it.
33:48But Sandy was quite right about this business of detaching itself from its old shell.
33:52And it does that 25 times the first five years of its life.
33:55And each time it does, it grows by 50%.
33:58But it's a really odd business and it's quite dangerous.
34:00It has to detach itself from its old shell.
34:03It has teeth inside its stomach.
34:05And they're part of the exoskeleton.
34:07So the lobster has to pull out the lining of its throat, stomach and anus
34:11every time it gets rid of its shell in order to keep that part of itself.
34:15I've had hangovers where I felt like that.
34:20They also, rather like the people of Doncaster, they communicate with each other by urinating.
34:30I've been there with a TV crew on a Friday night.
34:32And there was a lot of weaving all over the place.
34:34And at Wembley in a cup final.
34:36Oh, it was all on the terraces when it used to cook.
34:38It used to rush down the terraces.
34:39Yeah, go down the terraces.
34:40You know that thing where they get the champagne glasses and do that?
34:43Yes, exactly.
34:43That's where they got the idea from.
34:45Or chocolate.
34:46Or bubbling at the bottom.
34:47In America you can buy a stadium pal.
34:50A stadium pal?
34:50Do you know about this?
34:51Yes.
34:52It's the things you attach to yourself and it goes into a bottle.
34:54You've attached to your leg.
34:55Oh, how clever.
34:56And they've now developed one for women, which I think it looks a bit more like a gravy boat.
34:59I'm not really sure.
35:02That would be quite good for long journeys in the car too.
35:05There is one for the car though, isn't it?
35:06There's a thing you can pee into in a car.
35:09You can pee in a bag.
35:09You pee in a bag.
35:10You can pee in a bag anyway, then no one's stopping you.
35:13If you're not allowed to use a mobile phone in a car, you're not allowed to urinate in a bag.
35:17You pull over.
35:18You pull over, why don't you get out of the car and go in the tree?
35:20Well, you might be, I don't know.
35:22Go in the tree.
35:22In the tree.
35:23Against the tree.
35:24Against the tree.
35:25Against the tree.
35:25I don't think Carrie would peck around with you at all times.
35:28Tap all in there for a second.
35:32Fill it in and on your way.
35:34I really need to pee now.
35:35We've talked about that.
35:36No, you've seen it.
35:37Not long.
35:38Oh, hang on.
35:39Why do you always need to pee?
35:41I drink loads of coffee before the shower.
35:42I don't like pints of coffee.
35:44I'm run on caffeine.
35:45Okay.
35:45Let's get on with it and then you won't have to pee.
35:47Want that?
35:47Don't do that to him.
35:48That's cruel.
35:50All right.
35:53Which side is it?
35:55He can't tell.
35:56Which side do I kiss it?
35:57Get it the right way round to me, for God's sake.
36:01Don't do it the wrong way round, be like Wembley again.
36:04Don't you dare.
36:05Do you know, I never thought I'd see...
36:08Never thought I'd see Einstein in that position.
36:12You're not so clever now, are you?
36:16Suddenly it's P equals MC squared.
36:21So, the fact is, it's impossible to eat a lobster.
36:24What would they have called this shop in the olden days?
36:29Well, I'm guessing not an old Popeye shop.
36:32How do you pronounce it, you mean?
36:35How do you pronounce it?
36:36Aye, aye, aye!
36:37Ye olde pork pie shoppie.
36:40Oh!
36:42No!
36:44It's not, that's not pronounced ye.
36:46Okay.
36:47Aye, aye, aye!
36:49Yay!
36:50Olde pork pie shoppie!
36:51No, you said it.
36:52It's the.
36:52Why is it the?
36:53I think it's just the way they wrote it down, isn't it?
36:55Well, it's because it's actually, the letter is not a Y.
36:57It looks like a Y and they used Y's when printing came in.
37:00It's an old English letter from Anglo-Saxon called the thorn,
37:03which is the letter for a TH, like a Greek theta.
37:06And when printing came in, a lot of them didn't bother to make a separate thorn.
37:09They used the Y because it was so similar.
37:12So when they were writing the, they would put a Y in.
37:14But it, they knew to pronounce it the.
37:17And that, because much as we do in texts and tweets these days,
37:20it's been very common for human beings to abbreviate.
37:23And they abbreviated that to YT, tht.
37:27And so whenever you see in old churches ye this or ye that,
37:30or you see a ye olde pork choppie, it's actually the.
37:32What about olde?
37:34The olde, you don't pronounce the silent e on the title.
37:36Shopee?
37:37Or Shopee.
37:38I haven't got one word right.
37:39Here we go.
37:39I've got one.
37:40I've got one.
37:40Pie.
37:41Yes.
37:42Spot on.
37:43Get in.
37:43Yes.
37:44Get in.
37:44Now, how do you say that tricky one in the middle?
37:47How northern is that?
37:48If someone's just flicked onto this show,
37:49and say, oh look, Lee Maxon, and you just go pie,
37:51and there's a round of applause.
37:54In which war did both sides fight under the Union Jack?
37:57Aye aye aye aye!
37:58Ye second world war.
38:01Both sides fought under the, what, the Germans?
38:03I just wanted to get, I wanted to get a gag in about ye.
38:05Oh, I see.
38:05Can't think of any other wars.
38:07I'm just, I'm panicked.
38:08The only war.
38:09I panicked after the ye.
38:11Because what's happened is I've said the ye,
38:12it hasn't got a laugh, I think back it up with a fact,
38:14and I've gone in with the worst possible war.
38:17Everything about the joke was wrong, historically inaccurate,
38:20everything about that was totally terrible.
38:23But the explanation was brilliant, I have to say.
38:25Which war is most likely to both sides fight?
38:28Civil war.
38:29Not, I'm afraid he was a flag, no.
38:31Ah, no.
38:33Oh, I know this.
38:34It hadn't come into existence as a flag by then.
38:36Is it?
38:37No, the American War of Independence.
38:39The American War of Independence is the right answer, yes.
38:41Because the British flew the Union Jack,
38:43or the Union flag as it was then known,
38:44and George Washington designed the Stars and Strikes,
38:47only in fact the canton, the important quarter of the flag was,
38:50was the Union Jack.
38:52So you can see an example of an early American Union flag
38:55with the Union Jack in its corner.
38:57But the strike, the stars, Betsy Ross hadn't made that yet.
39:01That's right.
39:01There is one state in America that has a Union Jack still in its state flag.
39:06Do you know which state that is?
39:07I would say, er, Alaska.
39:11Who are you going to ask?
39:12Sandy?
39:14It's Kentucky.
39:15It's not Kentucky, is it?
39:16I don't know, but I would guess Virginia for some reason.
39:18No, it's not.
39:18It's actually Hawaii.
39:19Oh, is it?
39:20Hawaii has the Union Jack in it.
39:21Ooh!
39:22Ooh!
39:23What went up by 57% during the Blitz?
39:26Oh!
39:27Oi, oi!
39:27Yeah.
39:28House prizes?
39:30I don't think they like, but no.
39:31Was it Mother Brown's Knees?
39:35By 57%?
39:38Oh!
39:38They were always up listening to the cottoners during the Blitz.
39:41Always up.
39:42The birth rate?
39:43No.
39:44Grave robbing?
39:45Crime.
39:46Oh!
39:46Crime went up a huge amount during the Blitz.
39:49Sorry, do you count crime as dropping bombs?
39:51Because if that...
39:52No.
39:53Because if that's listed as a crime, then there was a lot of that going on.
39:56It's not a crime in actual war, in fact, to do that, unfortunately.
39:58But no, I'm talking about Londoners' crime, yeah.
40:01Mad Frankie Fraser actually said,
40:03it was just terrible, it was a tragedy when Hitler surrendered,
40:07because wartime London was a criminal's paradise, is the way he put it.
40:11It was.
40:11I mean, all you had to do was get an ARP warden, you know, like Hodges in Dad's Army.
40:16Napoleon, all that.
40:17You put one of those on, and people would just obey you.
40:19And a tin hat with a W on it.
40:21And people would actually help them load their cars with stuff they'd stolen.
40:25Say, here, come here.
40:26Help me load this car.
40:27They'd go, oh, yes, yes, because you're a warden.
40:29I mean, it was that...
40:30Are you suggesting that's what the Queen Mother was doing in the East End?
40:32Well, not...
40:33No, I'm not.
40:34My granddad was one of those.
40:35Was he an ARP warden?
40:36Well, he says that.
40:38Oh, I'm sure he was.
40:39So, was it mainly bombed out, looting?
40:42It was looting.
40:42But it was also scams.
40:44There was one fellow called Handy who made a claim for his house being bombed out, for
40:48which he got £500, 19 times before they caught on to him.
40:54And, of course, ordinary people also were committing crimes through ration books.
40:57People who didn't think of themselves as criminals were, you know, black marketeering
41:01or involving themselves in the black market.
41:03But, yeah, generally speaking, it was a very good time to be a criminal, because the police
41:07and everybody were concerned, obviously, with bombs falling on houses and people dying
41:11in incendiary bombs.
41:12Is there truth in the...
41:13Because I've read a thing about the...
41:15Well, the house would be bombed, and people would be dead, and then people would come
41:18and steal watches and...
41:19Oh, yes.
41:20I'm afraid so, yeah.
41:21It's really sort of grisly...
41:22I'm afraid it is, because we think of it as our finest hour and, you know, the blitz
41:25spirit and so on.
41:26But, unfortunately, there's always human nature.
41:27There's always another side to it.
41:28And, of course, there was a huge amount of bravery and camaraderie and communal spirit
41:32and so on.
41:33But, there was also, sadly, the darker side.
41:35Now, I spy with my little eye.
41:37The scores and how interesting they are.
41:40In first place, by really quite a long way, is Sandy Toksvig with 12 points.
41:50And in second place, with minus four, Jimmy Carr.
41:56Oh, very happy to know.
42:00Only just in third place, with minus five, Lee Mack.
42:04I'll tell you that.
42:05That's all.
42:06That's not good.
42:08And a proud fourth place, with double eye, minus 11, is Alan Davies.
42:21So, it's thanks to Sandy, Jimmy, Lee and Alan.
42:24And, as Yogi Berra said, you can observe a lot by watching.
42:28Good night.
42:29Good night.
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