- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 22nd October 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Andy Hamilton
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Andy Hamilton
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello and welcome.
00:08It's happy hour at QI because tonight we're all about H for happiness.
00:14Get them in quickly while you can, ladies and gentlemen, because you've got four guests for the price of two.
00:18The happy-go-lucky Andy Hamilton.
00:26The irresistibly chirpy Rich Hall.
00:35That cheerful Charlie, Phil Jupiters.
00:44And someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word lugubrious, Alan Davis.
00:56So, your instruments of pleasure, if you please.
01:00Andy goes.
01:03And Rich goes.
01:08Phil goes.
01:14And Alan goes.
01:21Oh dear.
01:22Right, well, before we start, I want to test our own contribution to the sum of human happiness, the QI
01:30audience pleasure gauge.
01:33Every time the pointer enters the red happy zone as a result of something the audience likes, I will award
01:40one or more of you a bonus.
01:41All right, for example.
01:50That's telling of a sign.
01:55So, now to questions.
01:56What would make Britain a happier place?
02:01No more penalty shootouts.
02:05Hope.
02:06The Pope?
02:07Hope.
02:07Not the Pope.
02:08Not the Pope.
02:09No.
02:09I was going to say, that's in God.
02:10I thought you said a grope.
02:13I'll work on my diction.
02:16Hope.
02:17I think moving Britain slightly south to improve the climate slightly would make us happier.
02:24Could you do that by just putting an outboard motor on Aberdeen?
02:27Yeah.
02:27Probably more than one.
02:29I reckon you need quite a few outboard motors.
02:31But if you had enough, you'd definitely get it going.
02:33I'm waking up.
02:34Britain never wakes up in the same latitude.
02:36Yeah, you never know where you are.
02:37You're just cruising the globe.
02:39Right.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Somali pirates.
02:41Can we concentrate?
02:45Yeah.
02:47We went back to pillaging and looting and raping.
02:50Right.
02:50I'm not sure what pillaging is, but looting and raping.
02:53Fine.
02:54Looting, no rape.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Pillage.
02:57A minor pillaging.
02:58A minor pillaging.
02:59Yeah.
03:00What is pillaging?
03:01It's kind of sacking, ransacking, stealing from, pilfering and taking things.
03:06Burgling, taking, I think, pillaging.
03:08So it's the same as looting.
03:09Yeah.
03:10Kind of is it.
03:11Give everyone a mental age of six.
03:14That would make Britain happier.
03:15It would be very easily pleased.
03:17Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?
03:19We'll do that.
03:23Oh, yeah.
03:26I think you've hit the happiness gauge there.
03:31Yeah, maybe.
03:31That was very good.
03:32Well done.
03:32The maths dumbing down.
03:34Yeah.
03:34But of course, six-year-olds, I mean, probably cry 70 or 80 times a day, which you...
03:40Because they can't go downstairs without falling.
03:43Because I can.
03:4570 or 70 or 80 times a day, where is this Latino six-year-old?
03:49Well, I'm just saying, you know, what does Uncle Stephen do?
03:56I try and teach them Latin.
03:59You just don't seem to be able to like...
04:02Not the British Museum again.
04:31Oh, don't.
04:33It makes me happy.
04:34Yeah, if you're very...
04:35If you see an otter, either way, you just feel happy.
04:38I think if every home had an otter...
04:42An otter in every house.
04:45Certainly in every Vinny Pond.
04:47Well, I mean, if one's empirical about this and say,
04:49which do we think might be the happiest country on earth?
04:52Do you think there's ever been any agreement about...
04:54The Ottoman Empire.
04:55Hey!
04:57Hey!
04:58Have a good one.
04:59Have a good stage.
05:01Very good.
05:03That is great.
05:05One of the things that appears to be a great index of happiness
05:09is not wealth itself,
05:11but a lack of huge disparity between rich and poor.
05:14That in countries where really there isn't much of a gap
05:18of that sort of nature,
05:20that's a famous sketch you may remember from TW3
05:23with John Cleese and Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett.
05:26But where there isn't that kind of differential,
05:28it seems people are happier.
05:31Even in the last 13 or 14 years,
05:34Britain, the gap has widened considerably.
05:3710% since 1997 when John Major's government ended.
05:40The gap between rich and poor has widened.
05:43Well, the point is, of course, it's very difficult.
05:45How do you measure happiness?
05:46Do you ask people if they're happy?
05:48And are they reliable guides of their own happiness?
05:51The things they do to each other
05:53will tell you whether they're happy or not.
05:54That's a very good question.
05:55Happy people, less inclined to glass people in pubs.
06:00There's no unit of happiness, is there?
06:02That's the problem.
06:03No, there's no.
06:04No international unit of happiness.
06:05Feliciton.
06:06Yeah.
06:08There are, apparently, ways of measuring happiness,
06:10but none of them is particularly reliable.
06:12An interesting thing is that if you take someone
06:15who's got enormous reason, apparently, to be very happy,
06:19say they've just won the pools or the lottery,
06:21this was a test that was done in 1978,
06:23and someone who'd had a catastrophic car crash
06:26that might have paralyzed them,
06:27obviously, at the time,
06:29one is extremely happy and the other is unbelievably unhappy,
06:32but within a very short time,
06:34they both level out and return to more or less
06:36the same state they were in before.
06:38So people have a bedroom level.
06:40They kind of do.
06:41Yeah.
06:42Bhutan was the first country
06:44to have a gross measure of happiness,
06:46the GNH, Gross National Happiness.
06:49They made no television there, do they?
06:50They didn't for a very long time,
06:52or indeed traffic, or traffic lights, yeah.
06:54The king declared happiness of the people
06:55the guiding goal of development,
06:57and he banned unhappy TV shows.
07:02Traffic lights never make you happy, do they?
07:03No, they don't.
07:04And they tried it in Slough.
07:07No traffic lights and no television.
07:09They tried, they tried making,
07:11it was called making Slough happy,
07:13including such things as doing good turns,
07:15laughing daily and watching less television,
07:17which resulted in a 33% upswing
07:19in their life satisfaction index.
07:22I think one of the important things
07:23would be to get rid of the name Slough.
07:26I fear you're right,
07:27it's not a very happy name, is it?
07:28Yeah, change it to, yippee!
07:31Do you know, it's a weird thing,
07:32is that would probably work.
07:33It would work.
07:34Where are you from?
07:34Yippee!
07:34We would respond to that.
07:36Where do you live?
07:37Yippee!
07:37It would be fantastic.
07:38What a brilliant idea.
07:41Yippee barks.
07:42Yeah.
07:45Stains is quite close.
07:46Stains, yeah.
07:48It's not right.
07:49It's not right.
07:49You call stains, woo-hoo!
07:50Yeah.
07:51We've got yippee and woo-hoo!
07:54It's a whole.
07:55Bad.
07:56Whole.
07:57Yeah.
07:58Hot diggity would be a good name.
07:59Hot diggity.
08:00Brilliant.
08:01This is a superb movement.
08:03This really could make a difference.
08:05Because we're human beings,
08:06we respond emotionally to things.
08:08And it may seem like a trivial difference,
08:10but wouldn't that be great
08:10if you lived in hot diggity?
08:12Hot diggity.
08:13Right outside of zippity-doo-dah.
08:17The only trouble is
08:18when there's an accident there
08:19and the newsreader has to say
08:23the bus turned over in hot diggity.
08:26Oh, no, no.
08:28I remember this quite vividly.
08:29When I was about 10,
08:30there was a massive mining disaster
08:34in India
08:36and hundreds of people were killed,
08:38but it was at the wanky colliery.
08:41And I just remember me and my mates
08:42finding this hilarious
08:45400 dead miners
08:46at the wanky colliery
08:48in 1972.
08:50It was just awful.
08:51It's like a headline I saw in Ireland
08:52that said,
08:52Corkman drowns.
09:01Oh, happiness.
09:07You are...
09:08You know what?
09:09You guys are bending the needle.
09:11His name was Bob.
09:12Come on!
09:18Well, well.
09:19Well, I think I've won this one.
09:21I'm not going to answer another question.
09:24The fact is,
09:25all the surveys indicate
09:26that economic equality
09:27is what promotes
09:29the greatest good
09:29for the greatest number.
09:30The other things
09:31that make us happy,
09:32of course,
09:32are friends.
09:33But how many real friends
09:35do you have?
09:36Just one.
09:37James Taylor.
09:40What do you have in him?
09:43Moving on.
09:44I've got to four.
09:44Four friends you've counted,
09:45have you?
09:46Well, actually,
09:46I'm not sure about him.
09:48Because he once,
09:49he once spiked my drinks
09:50and stole my trousers
09:51when I was...
09:52No, you've definitely
09:53crossed him out.
09:54He's coming off the list.
09:55Yeah.
09:55Which do you do first?
10:00Drinks first, Phil.
10:02I don't know,
10:02maybe he's an adult.
10:05You say that a friend
10:06will help you,
10:07a friend will come over
10:08to your house
10:08and help you move
10:09and a good friend
10:10will help you move a body.
10:13That's good.
10:15That's...
10:15I have two good friends.
10:20Oh, rich.
10:22Oh, that's disturbing.
10:23There is this thing
10:24called a Dunbar number.
10:25Does that mean...
10:26Yeah, it's about
10:26a hundred and something.
10:28You're right.
10:28There was a professor
10:29of evolutionary anthropology
10:31at Oxford University
10:32called Dunbar
10:33who calculated,
10:35if the calculation
10:35is the right word,
10:36that we can't have
10:37more than 150 friends.
10:39And obviously,
10:40some of us have
10:41a very high doctrine
10:42of friends.
10:42A hundred and fifty?
10:43Yeah.
10:44He defines it this way.
10:45I don't even know
10:46a hundred and fifty people.
10:47It's a network.
10:48It's a network.
10:49Five's going to say five.
10:50Right, well,
10:51I know what you mean.
10:51But he defines
10:52this friendly network
10:53as containing the people
10:54you wouldn't feel
10:55embarrassed to join
10:57at the bar
10:58in the transit lounge
10:59of Hong Kong airport
11:01at 3 a.m.
11:04He's...
11:05Oh, no, thousands of them.
11:06Yeah.
11:07That's kind of something.
11:08I've never been embarrassed
11:08to join anyone
11:09at a bar in my life.
11:10No.
11:11It's a peculiar definition.
11:13That is, yeah.
11:13It's an odd one.
11:14But on the other hand,
11:14there's something
11:15about this particular
11:15transit lounge
11:16of things like that.
11:17I don't know.
11:18But a hundred and fifty
11:18does turn out
11:19to be quite a special
11:20number amongst
11:20peoples and groups.
11:22It's the average size
11:23of traditional
11:23hunter-gatherer communities,
11:25small religious groups
11:25such as the Amish
11:26and the average
11:27English village size
11:28at the time
11:28of the Doomsday Book.
11:29It also occurs
11:30all over the modern world.
11:32It's the number
11:32of Christmas cards
11:33the average person
11:34sends apparently.
11:35A hundred and thirty?
11:36A hundred and fifty?
11:37The size of a company
11:38in all modern armies
11:40is a hundred and fifty
11:41as opposed to
11:42battalion or platoon.
11:42And it's also
11:43close to the average
11:44number of friends
11:44people have on Facebook
11:45which is a hundred and thirty
11:46odd.
11:48So it is strangely,
11:49it seems to be the number
11:51beyond which it's too many
11:52and any less than that
11:53is a closer friend.
11:55But it's also,
11:56when we say friend,
11:57we mean someone,
11:57as you say.
11:58We like.
11:59Who'll bury a body for you.
12:00Yeah.
12:01Someone who'll inspect
12:02a genital wart.
12:03If they come round you
12:03now.
12:08I'm thinking of a doctor.
12:09How do you mean inspect it?
12:11Well, give it a certificate.
12:15Just check that it's
12:16normal or not normal.
12:17Magnifying glass involved.
12:18Yeah, yeah.
12:19I'll tell you what,
12:20that is a very complicated
12:21game of sub-beauty.
12:22I'll have to.
12:23It is, isn't it?
12:24Yeah.
12:25This is where it went wrong
12:26for Sven-Gor and Ericsson.
12:29But, you know,
12:31150 people.
12:32150, it seems to be
12:33a magical number.
12:34Are you all on Facebook?
12:36No.
12:36I don't really go
12:38on the computer.
12:38I read a prediction
12:39the other day
12:39that said that
12:40at the current rate,
12:42in 10 years' time,
12:43one in three marriages
12:44in America
12:44will be people
12:45who met online.
12:46It's already one in eight.
12:47It's amazing, isn't it?
12:49Oh, God.
12:49Is that bad?
12:50You just fill out
12:51a lot of forms,
12:52don't you?
12:52Here's everything I like.
12:54Oh, no, no,
12:54I don't necessarily meet
12:55on dating sites.
12:56Well, some of them
12:57will be, I agree, but...
12:59Alice, do you meet
12:59if you're not on a dating site?
13:01Join a group.
13:01Join a group.
13:03Join a Facebook group
13:03with like-minded people.
13:05Oh, right.
13:05They send you witty remarks.
13:07And which of them
13:07is poppy?
13:08You send them
13:08a photograph of your genitals.
13:11Yes.
13:12You know.
13:13Whoa.
13:19Well, Alan,
13:21that's the most popular
13:22so far,
13:22the genitals.
13:23The genitals
13:24of the genitals.
13:25So it's just like
13:26a normal courtship then,
13:27but...
13:27Yeah.
13:28But down digitally.
13:29Yeah.
13:30Exactly.
13:30I feel quite bad,
13:32you know,
13:32for the Amish
13:33in this situation
13:34because, you know,
13:35they're not going to meet
13:36people on Facebook,
13:36are they?
13:37Unless we create
13:38an Amish Facebook
13:39where you just write
13:40everything you know
13:40about yourself
13:41on a sheet of paper
13:42and put it in a barrel
13:43in the middle of the village.
13:44You can just dip
13:45in and out of,
13:46you know.
13:46It's true,
13:47because they don't have
13:47electricity.
13:48Rage the barn today,
13:49lol.
13:57Drank some cider.
14:00Roe.
14:01And they have
14:01AMG.
14:02Ach, mein Gott.
14:06Yes, nobody can handle
14:07more than 150 real friends,
14:09according to Robin Dunbar,
14:10Professor of Evolutionary
14:11Anthropology at Oxford.
14:13This is the maximum number
14:14of intimate relationships
14:15the human brain can process.
14:17Now, how can you tell
14:19if a friend
14:19is really pleased
14:20to see you?
14:22Well,
14:23hey.
14:25They will
14:27be engorged.
14:28Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:32What kind of...
14:33What if they're really...
14:34They're really pleased.
14:35They wouldn't be.
14:36You know 150 people
14:37who will become engorged
14:39at the sight of you.
14:40Oh, I know thousands.
14:42Oh!
14:43I know, Alan,
14:44well enough
14:44for a light twitch.
14:48Right?
14:48You're not in 150, right?
14:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:51151, Steve.
14:52Hey, there you go.
14:53I would guess
14:54from the picture
14:54that your teeth expand.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59So we're looking at
15:00sincerity.
15:01How do you detect
15:03sincerity?
15:04Body language?
15:04We all work in showbiz.
15:06That's not going to be...
15:07Air kissing?
15:08No.
15:09Smell?
15:09Dylating?
15:10Something like that?
15:11Well, they let off
15:11a pheromone?
15:12Something like that?
15:13Well, it's interpretation
15:14of the smile
15:15is what we really like.
15:16So a few go...
15:18Yeah.
15:19And it's become a sort of
15:20almost a cliche
15:21for us to say
15:22that they smile,
15:22they don't smile
15:23with their eyes.
15:24But this wasn't known
15:25about until the 19th century.
15:26There was a Frenchman
15:27who had nothing better
15:28to do than
15:29to electrocute
15:29people's faces
15:30in order
15:31to make their lips
15:32turn upwards
15:33without their eyes moving.
15:35There we are.
15:38That's what he liked to do.
15:42It's a job.
15:43He's only 10 years old,
15:44that boy.
15:46As you can't have
15:48real sideburns,
15:49have these electric ones.
15:51His name was
15:52Guillaume Duchenne
15:53and he defined
15:54a true smile
15:54as having to involve
15:56the face
15:56and the eyes.
15:58And what he discovered
15:58was that you can't
15:59control your eyes,
16:00you can't make
16:01your eyes smile.
16:02It's involuntary,
16:03whereas you can make
16:04your lips smile.
16:05Here's some rather good...
16:07horrifying attempts
16:09to try and make
16:10people smile.
16:11These are all the
16:11QI researches.
16:14Standing over backwards
16:15for the show.
16:16It's disturbing.
16:17Couldn't he get
16:18a different volunteer?
16:21Poor Barry.
16:23Day 60.
16:26Day 61.
16:29The second one
16:30from the bottom
16:31is really...
16:31Because it looks like
16:32the bloke's coming
16:33from the different side.
16:34He's been surprised
16:36as well.
16:36Yeah.
16:37Yeah, no,
16:38there is actually,
16:38Andy,
16:39a third probe
16:40you can't see.
16:43Mr Duchene
16:44actually gave
16:44the numbers
16:45like,
16:4558 is
16:46I forgot
16:47my mother's birthday.
16:4961.
16:50Left the gas on.
16:53That's not
16:53left the gas on,
16:54that's just
16:54I've just trod
16:55on a cat
16:55and it's died.
17:00the real smile
17:02is called
17:02the Duchene's mouth
17:03and with only
17:05the mouth smiling
17:05it's known
17:06in the trade
17:07of happiness studies.
17:09Gelatology
17:10is known as...
17:11John Brown.
17:12No.
17:16No.
17:19A false smile
17:20is known
17:21in the trade
17:21as a Pan Am smile.
17:23As a Des O'Connor.
17:24Yeah,
17:25or a Pan Am smile
17:26because that was the
17:27airline since defunct
17:29of course
17:30where it was considered
17:31they had the
17:32stewardesses
17:33who had the most
17:34clasticky false smiles
17:35where the eyes
17:36are not smiling.
17:38The Gelatogel
17:39Brown smile
17:40was the frightening
17:41well the weird thing
17:42about it
17:43was you see the moment
17:44where he would decide
17:44to smile
17:45and that is the
17:46that kills any
17:48smile.
17:49You actually see
17:50you hear a clunk
17:51and then there's a smile
17:52and you know
17:54it's not natural.
17:55Yes, I agree.
17:56Meanwhile
17:56the girl on the left
17:57is she wearing
17:58anything under her coat?
18:00That's what it used to be
18:01called a maxi
18:02I think, isn't it?
18:03Do you think
18:03their faces hurt?
18:04I mean if
18:05if you have to
18:06if 300 people
18:07are getting off
18:07a plane
18:08and you have
18:08to force a smile
18:10at every one of them
18:11but at the end
18:11they must be
18:12in agony
18:13by the end
18:15so if somebody
18:16is really pleased
18:17to see you
18:17you can see it
18:18in their eyes
18:19it's hard to take
18:19the involuntary
18:20movements of muscles
18:21that cause wrinkling
18:22around the corners
18:23of the eyes
18:24anything other than
18:25seriously
18:25because you can't
18:26control them
18:26so what would you do
18:28to a waiter
18:29who drew a smiley face
18:30on your bill?
18:31I'm not a fan
18:32of the smiley face
18:33I don't mind
18:34them introducing
18:34themselves
18:35right
18:36but the weird thing
18:37is a waiter
18:38goes
18:38you know
18:39I'm Stephen
18:39I'll be your waiter
18:40if you call them
18:41Stephen
18:42for the rest of the night
18:42Stephen
18:43and they come up
18:44they get quite annoyed
18:46quite about
18:47halfway through
18:47the main course
18:48Stephen
18:49this meal
18:49is really good
18:50you tell them
18:51lots of things
18:51and maintain contact
18:52and use their name
18:53all the time
18:53then you get
18:54a sad face
18:54on your
18:56it's like
18:57it's like
18:57personalised number
18:58plates
18:58if you ever see
18:59a car go by
19:00and it's got
19:00Reg in it
19:00and then you see
19:01him go
19:01alright Reg
19:02they don't like it
19:05idiots then aren't they
19:06I have a friend
19:07who's a producer
19:07on Broadway
19:08and when he's in
19:09Joe Allen's
19:10which is an actor's
19:10restaurant
19:11and he wants
19:12attention at the table
19:13he goes
19:13oh actor
19:14which is very mean
19:17it's very rude
19:18isn't it
19:18they don't like that
19:19the stewardesses
19:20don't like that
19:20on planes
19:20when you go
19:21nurse
19:24I should have
19:25even said
19:26stewardess
19:26they're not even
19:27what are they now
19:27is that a cabin crew
19:28um
19:29attendance
19:30attendance
19:31cabin crew
19:32cabin crew
19:33yeah
19:34you have a stance
19:35there don't you
19:36I recognise
19:36that
19:47we can't see the music
19:49it's going on
19:51because you've always
19:52commanded them
19:53to applaud in this way
19:54this must be what it
19:55was like in Soviet
19:56Russia
19:58every time they went
19:59to anything
19:59ah yes
20:00clap
20:01laugh
20:02I can see the guns
20:04you weren't allowed
20:05to be the first one
20:07to stop clapping
20:08were you
20:08that was one of the
20:09things that would
20:09get you sent to the
20:10gulags
20:10they would just clap
20:11for hours and hours
20:13a nation of people
20:14with bloody stunts
20:22it's a
20:22does the smiley face
20:23mean the wait is
20:24pleased with what
20:25you've done
20:26the way you've
20:26conducted yourself
20:27no
20:28it's a way of getting
20:29a bigger tip
20:30and weirdly
20:31it works
20:32it works
20:32yeah
20:32it should draw
20:33little otters
20:34that would be better
20:35yeah
20:38does that really work
20:39are you saying
20:40that gets some
20:41bigger tip
20:42drawing a smiley face
20:43introducing your name
20:44telling a joke
20:45how about decent
20:47service
20:48wow
20:49I don't think
20:50they've ever thought
20:50of that
20:51is that a suitable
20:52tip
20:52because if it is
20:53I'm going to change
20:54everything
20:54that's fantastic
20:55£1.30
20:56what um
20:58which is the nation
20:59of biggest tippers
21:00America
21:01America
21:02what's considered
21:03the 20%
21:0420%
21:05but if it's bad
21:06service you take
21:07the tip
21:07and you put it
21:08in a glass of water
21:09and you turn it
21:10upside down
21:11and you leave it
21:11on the table
21:12but you still leave it
21:13I mean if you leave
21:15an American restaurant
21:15without tipping
21:16the waiter will chase you
21:17oh sure
21:18they will run down
21:18the street after you
21:19and say sir
21:19you didn't tip
21:21but they really will
21:21they do
21:22they come and say
21:23to your money
21:23and they say
21:24will there be any
21:24change with that
21:26yes
21:26I think
21:27that's a hundred
21:28dollar bill
21:28and I've just
21:29had a cup of tea
21:32but what do we think
21:33in Britain
21:34is the right
21:3410%
21:35but the average
21:36that's left
21:37apparently in British
21:37restaurants
21:38is 8.5%
21:42out of the Welsh
21:43out of the Welsh
21:44and the English
21:45in Britain
21:45who are the bigger
21:46tippers
21:46I'll go Welsh
21:47yes they are
21:48the English are the worst
21:49tippers in the United Kingdom
21:50yeah I'm not surprised
21:51by that in the slightest
21:52no I'm not
21:52they actually resent
21:53the English resent tipping
21:55they do don't they
21:55you know what
21:56I don't think
21:56it's even that they resent
21:57tipping
21:58I think they can't even
21:59be bothered
21:59to do the maths
22:0310% of 80p
22:06it's what
22:085p
22:09here's the thing
22:10that counts against
22:11national happiness
22:12is the process
22:14of splitting the bill
22:15with a bastard
22:16at the end
22:16no I've only had a beer
22:17and a salad
22:20the drunk
22:20at the other end
22:21has had 9 white russians
22:25let's just spit it
22:26yes
22:30that's true
22:31it's so true
22:32today you'll be the one
22:33who's had the 9 white russians
22:34it all comes around
22:37other countries
22:38where there's no tipping
22:38I bet there's no tipping
22:40in China
22:40oh certainly don't
22:42in Singapore
22:43Singapore is actively
22:45wrong to tip
22:46is it in Japan
22:47it's not
22:48well it's Lee Kuan Yeo
22:49there used to be signs
22:51in the little rickshaws
22:51and things saying
22:52no tipping in Singapore
22:53sounds like something
22:54drunk students do
22:55rickshaw tipping
22:56hey
22:59hey
22:59hey
23:07that came out
23:08out loud
23:09I'm sorry
23:11we were all thinking it
23:12but you said it
23:14if a waiter draws
23:15a smiley face
23:16on your bill
23:16you might well
23:17leave a bigger tip
23:18from eating out
23:19to freaking out
23:20why was everybody
23:21in the world
23:21expected to die laughing
23:22in 1910
23:26there's 1910
23:27in case you didn't
23:28know what it looked like
23:28on tour
23:30that is Arthur Smith
23:32on the far right
23:33do we know anything
23:36about 1910
23:371910
23:381910
23:38everyone was expected
23:39to die
23:40well
23:40they discovered
23:41laughing gas
23:42there was a hysteria
23:43about an event
23:44an upcoming event
23:45I bet it was a big
23:46volcano like Krakatoa
23:47it was certainly
23:48a phenomenon
23:49but it was going to
23:50create a lot of pressure
23:51and when it went
23:51it was going to
23:52sound like a big fart
23:55a giant whoopee cushion
23:56kind of caldera
23:58and that would make
23:58everybody laugh
23:59yeah
23:59hysterically
24:00and they would be
24:01frozen in lava
24:02laughing
24:03it's possible
24:04an even more
24:06cosmically
24:06grand event
24:08a natural event
24:09a comet
24:09a comet
24:10the famous comet
24:12Halley's or Halley's comet
24:13yes exactly
24:14well there it is
24:16and because
24:18this is the first time
24:20it had come round
24:20since the science
24:21of astronomy
24:21had really sort of
24:22got itself
24:23together
24:23there was kind of
24:25a little knowledge
24:25being a dangerous thing
24:26there was a chemical
24:27views
24:28and there was a theory
24:29that the nitrogen
24:30in the atmosphere
24:31as the tail
24:31passed so close
24:33to the earth
24:33would turn
24:35the atmosphere
24:36of the earth
24:36into nitrous oxide
24:37which is
24:38laughing gas
24:39and the whole population
24:40would start giggling
24:41and then die
24:44we'd all laugh
24:45ourselves to death
24:46oh that would have
24:47been good
24:48it would have been
24:49it said
24:50so much for laughter
24:51making you live longer
24:52some people put rags
24:56in their doors
24:57and windows
24:57to try and block
24:58the air from getting in
24:59people were very
25:00very convinced
25:01something dreadful
25:01was going to happen
25:02that's a great story
25:03can you imagine
25:03what the daily mail
25:04would make
25:07comment
25:08we'll all
25:08laugh ourselves to death
25:10who's to blame
25:13has anybody ever
25:14laughed themselves to death
25:15do you know
25:15the bloke
25:16watching the goodies
25:17yeah
25:17you knew about that
25:18yes
25:18what was he watching
25:19he was watching
25:20was it the
25:21Kitten Kong episode
25:21it wasn't that
25:22that's the one
25:23we'll remember
25:23actually
25:23it was a
25:24Scotsman fending
25:25off an attack
25:25from a black pudding
25:26with a set of bagpipes
25:34have we killed anyone on
25:36this show
25:36I
25:37must try harder
25:38we must
25:39yeah
25:40he'd laugh for 25 minutes
25:42had a heart attack
25:43died on the sofa
25:45and the audience finds
25:46that very funny
25:47yeah
25:48my goddaughter laughed for 25 minutes
25:50when I showed her
25:51people falling down escalators
25:53on YouTube
25:54you've never seen anything
25:55so funny in life
25:56there's people on the escalator
25:59standing in you know
26:00on the standing bit of it
26:01and then on the walking down
26:02bit of it
26:03someone just falls down
26:04at an incredible speed
26:08she watched that eight times
26:10crying with life
26:12I've seen a funny accident
26:13on escalator
26:14I mean
26:14well
26:15a few people might have
26:16gone to hospital
26:17I'm not sure
26:17but
26:20it was quite crowded
26:21and somebody
26:22down the front
26:23a tourist I think
26:25got to the bottom
26:26and just stopped
26:27so you've got this
26:28fantastic
26:29oh concertina
26:31pure Marx Brothers
26:32fantastic
26:33so we're
26:34the only thing I ever saw
26:35was John McCreerick
26:36fall out of a boat
26:37really
26:39pretend it didn't happen
26:41and I was interviewing him
26:42and so
26:42none of the crew
26:43could laugh
26:44until two hours later
26:48everyone laughed
26:48at the same time
26:49and didn't stop
26:50for half an hour
26:51I kept it in
26:52for two hours
26:53it is possible
26:54that's fantastic
26:55because he was so
26:56sort of
26:57pompously refusing
26:58he's a big blustery guy
26:59and he had his cigar
27:01and he fell right on top of me
27:03and then fell out of the boat
27:04and then got back in
27:05and said
27:06alright where were we
27:08he just fell out of the boat
27:09he was stripping wet
27:11cigars
27:11hanging out of his mouth
27:12and he was like
27:14trying to pretend
27:15it never happened
27:17so we all pretended
27:18it didn't happen
27:18until two hours later
27:21we were driving back
27:23and the guy driving
27:24was almost wrecked
27:28he was laughing so hard
27:29wouldn't it have been awful
27:30if the cameraman
27:31had kept their footage running
27:32and we could now
27:33persuade him to put it up
27:34online somewhere
27:35and then it could be
27:36I have the footage
27:37and you haven't posted it
27:39no I wouldn't
27:40you moral
27:43oh you're going
27:44oh it's going the other way
27:45than either
27:46I'll post it
27:47give it to me
27:49I'll post it
27:51yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
27:59anyway
28:00so in 1910
28:02people worried
28:03and they worried desperately
28:04that Halley's Comet
28:05would turn the air
28:06into nitrous oxide
28:06and we'd all die laughing
28:07what did the original
28:09Mr. Happiness
28:10want to do
28:11to cheer up
28:12his front garden
28:13is that his garden
28:14I don't think that is
28:16his house
28:16fun enough
28:16no
28:17gnomes
28:19oh
28:19oh
28:26when we say
28:27Mr. Happiness
28:28it's a pretty tricky one
28:29we're talking about
28:29a person who
28:30oh
28:31an intellectual
28:32oh
28:33oh
28:33I thought it was going to be
28:34Ken Dahl
28:35who wasn't happy
28:35do we know of a philosopher
28:36who was interested in
28:38yeah the Diddy Men
28:39they were
28:41possibly even greater
28:42than the Diddy Men
28:43well sort of all philosophers
28:44are interested
28:44well they are
28:45this one though
28:45had a calculus of felicity
28:47he calculated how to make
28:48people happy
28:49and he had a phrase
28:50which I've actually used
28:51already today
28:51the greatest good
28:52for the greatest number
28:54oh that's Bentham
28:54Bentham
28:55that's the chap
28:56yeah
28:56tell me what you know
28:57about him
28:58he was a utilitarian
28:59utilitarian
29:00is the name of his
29:01philosophy
29:02this is very impressive
29:02well done
29:03Jeremy
29:03you see Mr. Gostick
29:04I was paying attention
29:07so what did he do
29:08in his garden
29:08he oh I don't know
29:09Jeremy Bentham
29:10yeah he had a belief
29:11about how we should
29:12decorate our gardens
29:14and indeed our public
29:15for the benefit of other
29:16people presumably
29:17for the benefit of
29:18ourselves in a very
29:19strange way
29:20he felt that maybe
29:21our taboos about
29:22death were a bit
29:23corpses
29:24just hang
29:25corpses
29:25nan in the tree
29:27yeah
29:27yeah
29:29but the cast
29:30piping away at her
29:32yeah
29:32he put corpses in his
29:33garden
29:34yeah he called them
29:34auto icons
29:35and he thought
29:36they should be
29:37all around us
29:37but he also
29:39had a view of his
29:40own death
29:40do you know
29:41what happened to
29:41Jeremy Bentham
29:42when he died
29:43someone propriety
29:44been the garden
29:45no it's quite well
29:46known I bet
29:46they know in the
29:47audience
29:47go on
29:48he was stuffed
29:49that's exactly
29:50he's
29:50you can go and
29:51inspect him
29:52he's in a big
29:52cabinet
29:53stuffed in
29:54University College
29:55London
29:55but bits of him
29:56would have been
29:56chopped off by
29:57medical students
29:58well that did
29:58happen to his
29:59head
29:59but there he is
30:00that's his body
30:01he had himself
30:02dressed
30:03he had a group
30:04of friends
30:05around
30:06150
30:06well actually
30:07I think it was
30:07only about 28
30:09but it's a good call
30:11that it should have
30:11been that number
30:12and he decided
30:13that his skin
30:14should be stripped
30:15off
30:15his bones
30:16and things
30:16should have
30:17stuffing around
30:17them
30:17and there it is
30:18he perhaps
30:19invented underpants
30:20he perhaps
30:22well it's very hard
30:23to say
30:24but he was one
30:25of the first people
30:25of his time
30:26and culture
30:26who insisted
30:26on wearing
30:27what we would
30:28now call
30:28boxer shorts
30:29really
30:29most men
30:30just had the
30:31front of their
30:31shirt
30:31sort of
30:32sort of
30:32curved upwards
30:34under their
30:34bits
30:35I know
30:37important man
30:38nonetheless
30:38a great intellectual
30:39that would be a
30:40real test of
30:41friendship though
30:41wouldn't it
30:42that's how you
30:42find out
30:42you might
30:43come around
30:44and stuffing
30:44me when I die
30:46anyway
30:48Jeremy Bentham
30:48founder of
30:49utilitarianism
30:50or the idea
30:51that happiness
30:52equates to the
30:52greatest good
30:52for the greatest
30:53number
30:53once wrote
30:54to London
30:54County Council
30:55asking for
30:55permission
30:56to replace
30:57the shrubs
30:58along his
30:58driveway
30:58with a line
30:59of varnished
31:00corpses
31:01but which
31:02small furry
31:03animal
31:04would you
31:04make happier
31:05by taking
31:06it to see
31:06Bambi
31:08do you have
31:09to be furry
31:10yeah
31:11it's a particular
31:12species
31:12what happens
31:13to Bambi
31:14when
31:15mum gets
31:15shot
31:16and then
31:16what does
31:17Bambi do
31:17then Bambi
31:18hangs out
31:19with the other
31:19animals
31:20and learns
31:20to skate
31:20but before
31:22that he
31:22cries
31:23now this is
31:24weird
31:24this is an
31:25animal that
31:25gets off
31:26on dears
31:26tears
31:28shut up
31:30when I say
31:31get off
31:32I don't mean
31:32it has
31:32you know
31:35drink the tears
31:36it drinks the tears
31:39no
31:41so it's got to be
31:42something small
31:42a bowl
31:43even smaller
31:44it's got to be
31:45something
31:45with a furry
31:46furry
31:46bumblebee
31:47yes
31:47there's a species
31:48of bee
31:49that rather than
31:50going for nectar
31:51goes for the salt
31:53and the tears
31:54of ungulates
31:55like horses
31:55and deer
31:56and I thought
31:58that the gales
31:58tasted a bit
31:59funny that year
32:01I'm definitely
32:02getting deer
32:02tear
32:03I'm getting
32:04I'm getting
32:05I'm getting
32:06misery
32:09they've also
32:09been observed
32:10drinking tears
32:10from human eyes
32:11they're three
32:12species of
32:13stingless bee
32:14you'd be happy
32:15to know
32:15there they are
32:16they're tiny
32:18actually they're
32:18not that furry
32:19to be honest
32:19oh
32:19you meant
32:20blue bottles
32:22there we were
32:23kind of dealing
32:24with the image
32:24of a lovely bee
32:25and swipey
32:26anorexia
32:27oh god
32:29lysotrigona cacchii
32:31and lysotrigonia fervor
32:33and lysotrigona parietrigina
32:34and that's what they do
32:35it's strange
32:36so they suck
32:38on your misery
32:41don't look at me like that
32:42it sounded rather poetic
32:44when it came into my head
32:45that's your cue
32:46to make your first
32:47heavy metal album
32:47and you have to call it
32:48suck on my misery
32:53but from one veil of tears
32:55to another
32:55where did Florence Nightingale
32:57do her most important work
33:00hospital
33:03in a hospital
33:04in a hospital
33:05or a hospital
33:05hospital
33:06hospital
33:06I think it was in her bed
33:08yes
33:08you're right
33:09you know a bit about her
33:10well she
33:11I think
33:12didn't she stay in bed
33:13for about 50 years
33:14or something
33:14see I have to thank
33:15Mr. Gostic for this as well
33:16I think Florence Nightingale
33:18came back from the Crimea
33:19where she'd you know
33:20done a lot of good stuff
33:22and then she took to her bed
33:24in a rather sort of
33:25attention seeking way
33:26and was a bit of a pain
33:27in the arse
33:28I suspect
33:28but she made
33:29the great and the good
33:31come to her bedside
33:31she was such an icon
33:32and she founded
33:33what we
33:34I mean British nursing
33:35was sort of founded by
33:37well the odd thing is
33:39you said
33:39in the Crimea
33:40having done a lot of good
33:41the strange thing is
33:41she felt she didn't do any good
33:43and she's right
33:43she didn't
33:44she was three times more likely
33:45to die in Scutari
33:46the hospital
33:47she ran
33:47than you were
33:48in a rough field hospital
33:50because there was so much infection
33:52it was a disastrous place
33:53and there were reports
33:54that showed
33:55that the outcome
33:56of all the patients
33:57under her care
33:57was terrible
33:59and she thought
34:00this report
34:00would expose her
34:02and she was ashamed
34:03in fact
34:03and she kind of
34:05had a decline
34:05it wasn't
34:07anything other than
34:08just she thought
34:09her life and her career
34:10and her reputation
34:10was over
34:11went home
34:11went to bed
34:12and stayed in bed
34:13but she lived
34:13as you say
34:14over 50 years
34:15in bed
34:16and she would awake
34:17and start work
34:18at five
34:18writing letters
34:19and campaigning
34:20and doing all
34:21the good
34:21that she then did
34:22in laying down
34:23standards of cleanliness
34:24but it was really
34:25to expiate the failure
34:26of her work
34:27in the Crimea
34:28which is
34:29quite surprising
34:29I think
34:30yeah
34:31but if ignorance
34:33is bliss
34:33then prepare
34:34for a torrent
34:35of pleasure
34:35for it's time
34:36for our
34:37general ignorance
34:38fingers on buzzers
34:38if you would
34:39what is Africa's
34:40dominant
34:41animal predator
34:46by dominant
34:47do we mean
34:47the one that
34:48kills the most
34:50things
34:50kills the most
34:51other animals
34:52yeah
34:53I guess
34:54as a predator
34:55hyena
34:56is the right
34:57answer
34:58very good
35:01very good
35:02very good
35:02very good
35:03all right
35:06you're on fire
35:07no
35:07no
35:08because I watched
35:09something where
35:09David Attenborough
35:10said
35:11the hyena
35:11is the biggest
35:12killer
35:13yeah
35:13and most people
35:14and most people
35:15might think
35:15it was the lion
35:15as the most
35:16dominant in that
35:16sense
35:17obviously mosquitoes
35:17kill more
35:18but lions are lazy
35:19buggers
35:20you watch them
35:20they are
35:21and in fact
35:22scavenged kills
35:23it's much more likely
35:24that a lion will
35:25scavenge the kill of a hyena
35:26than the hyena
35:27that of a lion
35:27much more
35:28we think of hyenas
35:29as somehow
35:30kind of sloping away
35:31like jackals
35:32but actually
35:33they're very intelligent
35:34and there they are
35:35spotty
35:35I mean
35:36you wouldn't want
35:37one around the house
35:37necessarily
35:39you wouldn't want
35:39to be chased
35:40by a pack of them
35:41no you wouldn't
35:41you wouldn't
35:42and what's with the laughter
35:43because we're here
35:44with happiness
35:44they laugh
35:45what's that about
35:46what's the laugh mean
35:47they're communicating
35:48with each other
35:49yeah it's a particular
35:50thing they're communicating
35:50it's uh
35:51they're watching mr. Bean
35:54it's popular
35:55in virtually every country
35:56in the world
35:57why wouldn't they like it
35:57I think they're laughing
35:59because they're remembering
35:59something that happened
36:00earlier
36:01oh yes
36:02it's actually
36:03clan submissiveness
36:04supposedly
36:05but would you like to hear it
36:06would you like to hear
36:06a hyena laugh
36:07why certainly
36:08are you going to bring one in
36:09yes I
36:15that is the noise
36:16my god's automated
36:17since you watch people
36:18falling down
36:19shall we hear it again
36:22it's a good turn
36:23yeah
36:24that's it
36:31it's a good noise
36:32do you know
36:33there's a sort of acting trick
36:35if you are asked to laugh
36:36some people find it very difficult
36:38and it's terrible
36:39if it sounds false
36:40haha
36:40I know it's like
36:41but do you know
36:42a simple physical technique
36:44is
36:44to make sure
36:45anyone can then
36:46sound convincing
36:47when they laugh
36:48ice cube in the anus
36:53right
36:55that might do something
36:57I don't know
36:58might make others laugh
37:00but no it's just
37:01something you can do
37:02in public
37:02I'll make you laugh
37:03try it later
37:04no
37:08holding your breath
37:09no
37:09no
37:10what you have to do
37:11is empty your lungs
37:13what most people do
37:14is they go
37:14and then go
37:15and it just sounds false
37:17but if you empty your lungs
37:20it goes like that
37:21because when people
37:23are seriously laughing
37:24they are
37:25you put an ice cube up
37:26your bum
37:27you'll end up
37:29also be that
37:30I grant you
37:35that's a good hyena
37:37that's a very good hyena
37:39that's a very cheap drama school
37:40you went to
37:41it was all done in a room
37:44over a pub
37:45I don't know
37:47we got a certificate
37:49anyway
37:53in many areas
37:54hyena kills
37:55are a lion's main source
37:56of food
37:57so what is the five pound note
37:59made from
38:03paper
38:09let's just get that one out of the way
38:13it's made out of money
38:16they're cotton and linen
38:18they're not
38:19not made from wood
38:20no tree
38:21had any part
38:22in the making
38:23of your five pound note
38:24which is surprising
38:25because we
38:27that's the reason
38:28but it's not very funny
38:30but I thought you'd like to know
38:31but I mean
38:32I just find it
38:32extraordinary
38:34do you
38:34thank you
38:35it sounds like
38:36paper
38:36when you tear it up
38:37and laugh
38:38in the waiter's face
38:42that's for the smiley face
38:46Stephen
38:47it's
38:48apparently called
38:49Stephen
38:49but you were saying
38:50it with a V
38:50I could tell
38:51yeah
38:51tell me
38:51yeah
38:52okay
38:53well well done
38:54that's right
38:54I mean there's nothing more to say
38:55banknotes are made from cotton or linen
38:56because wood based paper is far too fragile
38:59but what happens to your general mood
39:01as you get older
39:07you become more so sedative
39:09oh there's Phil again
39:09look in there
39:11I think
39:12you don't get grumpier
39:14no I think you get happier
39:15but there was a thing in the paper a while back
39:18surprisingly showed people around the age of sort of 81
39:21or something like that were really happy
39:23but presumably that's just smugness
39:25you think I've made it to 81
39:28so I don't know
39:29so I don't know
39:29yeah
39:30nothing
39:31no change
39:31well essentially you just stay much as you were
39:34that your general disposition appears to be more or less fixed
39:37except you wear a newspaper on your head
39:38yes
39:39the actual behaviour can be a little strange
39:41but the idea that men become grumpy or women become grumpy
39:44is apparently absolutely nonsense
39:45I've read that
39:46so I've got that there
39:47I know
39:48is this what that Phil officer's front garden would look like
39:52yeah
39:54Bentham's front lawn
39:57there's been the Baltimore longitudinal study of ageing
40:00which is one of the longest running
40:01it's been running since 58
40:02it's one of my favourite studies of ageing
40:04well it's one of the best
40:05and it's shattered a number of myths about the ageing process
40:07including the persistent belief that people become more depressed and cranky
40:10or withdrawn or rigid or bad tempered as they age
40:13in fact adults change little after 30 in those terms
40:17a grumpy old git
40:19probably used to be a grumpy young git
40:21and now it's time to separate the cheer from the gloom
40:24as we consider the scores
40:25and oh my word and oh my goodness
40:26and oh good gracious me
40:28in the lead with a magnificent four points
40:31it's Phil Jupiters
40:38very happy score
40:39and in second place
40:42with a very positive one point
40:44Rich Hall
40:52and despite his brilliance
40:54in third place
40:55with minus 15
40:56Andy Hanelton
41:04unhappily
41:15well it only remains for me to thank Rich, Phil, Andy and Alan
41:19to leave you with this
41:20at a dinner
41:20for Sir Harold and Lady Macmillan
41:22hosted by the De Gaulle's
41:24at the Elysee Palace
41:25Lady Dorothy
41:26asked Madame De Gaulle
41:28if after all her husband's many achievements
41:30there was anything
41:31that she still wanted
41:32yes said the first lady of France
41:34a penis
41:36which the general leaned over
41:38and whispered discreetly
41:39no my dear
41:40in English
41:41it is pronounced happiness
41:43goodnight
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