- 8 hours ago
Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 01: The Edible Arrangement
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who finds a human can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:24He's a family guy!
00:36Welcome to Quahog's first recreational dispensary.
00:40Now, as you all know, I was against this. I fought at tooth.
00:44Maybe I should also fought at nail, but that time is gone.
00:51Settle down. There's enough drugs for everybody.
00:55Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys with blonde dreadlocks than I thought.
00:59And a fair number of black ladies with the blonde dreadlocks guys.
01:03Cleveland, what do you think about that?
01:04We don't like to talk about it, Peter. It's a big problem in our community.
01:08It's just, you should know, in the white community, these guys are kinda considered like big-time rascals.
01:13We're aware. It's being handled. There was just a big Zoom about it.
01:17Maybe you could-
01:18We're gonna go ahead and deal with this one in-house.
01:22How you doin'?
01:23There is a plan.
01:25That's all I need to know.
01:32Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in Witness Protection when I'm at breakfast?
01:38Susie and I saw you unloading groceries and wanted to let you know, if you need to borrow reusable bags,
01:45I have a bunch.
01:47And you know you can't soak cast iron skillets, right? It strips the seasoning.
01:52Oh, Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.
01:54It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.
02:01Oreos. Here we go, baby.
02:03Ah! I want Oreos!
02:06Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.
02:09Besides, they're not for babies.
02:11They're for rewarding good behavior in developmentally slow adults.
02:27So then I was like, what if I've also been the mailman the whole time?
02:32Yeah, you were saying that in the car.
02:34I know, but you didn't respond.
02:35Let's, uh, let's lock these guys up in a cabinet for a while, huh?
02:38Yeah, I think that'll be best.
02:53Bingo!
02:59Oh, baby! Bonus candy!
03:02Hm. Not really feeling the sugar rush.
03:08I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
03:16A good idea, Rupert. Music will help me relax.
03:21Okay, this is good. This is helping.
03:25The wheels of the bus go round and round.
03:29Why should I be afraid of dying?
03:31Wait, what?
03:32With a lunatic on the grassy ground.
03:38If you hear the lunatic's howl.
03:43The wheels on the bus may start to growl.
03:48The lunatic is in our head.
03:52And very soon, we'll all be...
03:55dead.
03:56I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.
04:04Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.
04:09I think I may take a gap year.
04:11You know, hit the road.
04:12There's something I've been searching for for a while that I need to find.
04:15A little guy named Stewie Griffin.
04:17Can you hear any of this?
04:19I'm not even trying to listen anymore.
04:21I'm thinking about soccer.
04:22Guys, what are you doing up here?
04:24Big no-no. The roof is off limits.
04:29Stewie, are you... high?
04:32Yeah, so are you. We're on the roof.
04:34Okay, I heard that. That was funny.
04:40We now return to a dateline with a beloved town dentist.
04:44He did it. It was him.
04:48Peter, we got a big problem.
04:50It appears Stewie was high on pot at school.
04:54Excuse me for one second.
04:55Lois, someone's at the door for you.
04:58Joe, why do you have Stewie?
05:01I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois, but apparently Stewie was high at school.
05:05What?
05:05It's the worst thing I've seen in my career, and I've seen four dead bodies.
05:09Though technically, that was a ziplining accident in Costa Rica.
05:13Okay.
05:13Maybe not the best idea having 13-year-olds securing those carabiners.
05:18Joe, I...
05:18You know, they wouldn't even let me bring my own camera on the zipline.
05:21Odd, right?
05:22Well, turns out they just want to sell you their photos.
05:25I'll take it from here, Joe. Thanks for bringing him home.
05:27This is a serious offense, Lois.
05:29I have a court order to remove him from your custody.
05:32What? No! Please!
05:35I'm sorry, Lois.
05:36No! My baby! Please!
05:40Oh, I gotta keep Stewie entertained, so I'm gonna need your iPad.
05:42What? No! My baby! Please!
05:54Hey, what's gonna happen with Stewie?
05:56He's at the Swanson's until I complete court-ordered online parenting classes.
06:01Throwing this out there, if you want a new baby in six months, let me know.
06:04You gotta tell me within five months.
06:08Five and a half, Max.
06:13So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty funny guy, but I'm kind of the your dad around here.
06:19Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk about being funny. He just is.
06:23Yeah, Stewie comedy's pretty big in this house, too. In fact, I recently submitted a packet to get into the
06:28Capitol Steps.
06:30Nobody knows what that is, Joe.
06:32They're pretty well known in the political satire off-center comedy world.
06:36Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is a generous tipper?
06:39I make a bit of hay about that in the packet.
06:42Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.
06:46Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!
06:48Hey, Joe. This is Clarkie.
06:50So sorry, but we're gonna pass.
06:53We're looking for someone more off-center, more skewed, if that makes sense.
06:56That's what I am!
06:58There's plenty of other comedy groups.
07:01Oh, really? Like the Capitol freakin' Steps!
07:04What about-
07:05If you say the words Ocean State Follies, I swear to God, I'll empty my bag all over the floor.
07:15Meg, please, I really need the laptop.
07:17I'm just about done with my parenting classes, and then I can get Stewie back.
07:20One sec. I gotta finish this mandatory sexual harassment course today, or I'm not allowed around the janitors.
07:26True or false, it's okay to slap a man's bottom if he knows you.
07:31That's gotta be true!
07:32False.
07:33I'm done.
07:34Thanks, Meg. This has been so hard for me.
07:37A mama just can't be separated from her kiddos.
07:39Well, I'm off to Denver with the guy from the magic shop.
07:42Okay, see you at dinner.
07:44Only if you're in the greater Denver area there, Hoss.
07:50I'm just gonna give you the title of the sketch.
07:53It's called the Dan Quill Spelling Bee.
07:55The jokes write themselves.
07:57Do one.
08:00Here it is.
08:01I'm done with my parenting class.
08:03Where's my baby?
08:04I'm happy for you, Lois, but don't let this happen again.
08:07He ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.
08:10Oh, Stewie, I am so happy to have you back.
08:14Mama's never gonna let anything like this happen again, okay?
08:17This place is a nightmare.
08:19They don't even have a xylophone on a string that you can drag behind you.
08:24Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll just go again.
08:32Now that Stewie's back, we're gonna have some new rules to keep us safe.
08:36First, it is no longer sufficient for our pet to look after our baby.
08:41Probably, probably the right call.
08:43Second, kids' bedroom doors are not allowed to be closed all the way.
08:47I am happy to do this, but I need you to be absolutely sure you've thought it out.
08:51You don't win this one, Mom.
08:53I'm striking that last rule.
08:55We are gonna start using the buddy system.
08:58If you leave, you go with your buddy.
09:00You're okay with all these rules, Dad?
09:02Sorry, Bud, but I agree with Mom on this stuff.
09:05I learned a lot from the Dad's version of the parenting classes.
09:16I also do dishes on holidays.
09:22Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen time, so I'm gonna read you a book.
09:26This one is called, There's a Monster at the End of this Book.
09:30Ah!
09:34Peter? Stewie?
09:35Where'd you guys go?
09:37Lois, you need to very carefully remove that book from this room.
09:43Why bring it into the house? Why take that chance?
09:46Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.
09:48I'm an introvert. I gotta recharge.
09:49You know the rules. One of us has to be with him at all times.
09:53Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.
09:55Why does Meg get to live her best life in Denver?
10:03Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there?
10:07I'm a woman. My pants are just bunched up.
10:13If I'm going to live under Lois' rule, I've gotta take a little mental escape.
10:17Brian's gotta have some loose gummies in here somewhere.
10:22Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.
10:26Ooh, sativa.
10:27That means nothing to me or anyone.
10:36Whoa.
10:40Peter? Where are you?
10:43Relax, I just went to the bathroom.
10:44Relax? Stewie is unattended in front of the TV.
10:48He could easily turn into something terrible.
10:50Like, Paramount Plus.
10:52Lois, you gotta relax.
10:53What would Dr. Cosby do in this situation?
10:56You put the plop in the drink, go fizz-fizz, and make her go slippity-floppity-floop.
11:04Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.
11:11May I go to the bathroom, Warden?
11:13You just went.
11:14I do different stuff every time.
11:16I do different stuff every time.
11:18Hmm. This chewy zen is excellent.
11:28It's close to hitting that corner.
11:30Yeah, it's gonna hit it on the next one.
11:35You can talk?
11:37You can understand me?
11:39Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this.
11:42Here goes.
11:43Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes.
11:46They tear me up.
11:47Oh, great.
11:48Your first words to me are a grocery critique.
11:51Hey, guess what?
11:52I think Baby Shark is a terrible song.
11:55And Dora sucks.
11:56All right, all right.
11:57We've clearly gotten off on the wrong foot here.
11:59Let's start over.
12:01Hi, Stewie Griffin.
12:07I just...
12:08I can't believe you can talk.
12:11Not only can I talk.
12:13I am the very model of a modern major general.
12:15Live information, vegetable, animal, and mineral.
12:17I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical.
12:20From Marathon to Waterloo, it order categorical.
12:23I love this.
12:25Did Peter do this once?
12:27He mumbled his way through it, but yeah.
12:29I don't understand how we're talking.
12:32Probably because we're both zonked.
12:34I would never do that in front of my baby.
12:37Okay, then tell me something about the Dave Matthews band.
12:40Carter Beaufort is the best drummer of his genera-
12:43Oh, my God.
12:44I am zonked.
12:45So I found some gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.
12:49Are you mad?
12:50I should be, but this is kind of awesome.
12:54I'm talking to my baby.
12:56Honestly, if I were you, I'd do this all the time.
12:58You put up with a lot.
13:00Really?
13:01You think so?
13:02I mean, yes.
13:02Look at Peter.
13:03He treats you like garbage and does zero to help out.
13:06Why do you let him do that?
13:07Oh, you are getting right in there.
13:09Well, it's tough.
13:11You know, you commit to somebody for life when you're like 19 and you know nothing.
13:15Damn.
13:17Yeah.
13:17And it may be hard to believe, but when he was 19, Peter was stunning.
13:23I mean, weirdly, I can see it.
13:25Besides, he's gonna be dead in a couple of years anyway.
13:28By then, my trust fund will vest and I'm gonna be playing in a whole different league.
13:34Oh, that's good.
13:35Okay, good.
13:35You got a plan.
13:36That's cool.
13:36That's cool.
13:40Hey, what's the story with Chris?
13:42It just doesn't seem like he's, how do I say this, thriving, you know?
13:46I fell down an escalator when I was pregnant with him.
13:50He totally has an escalator head vibe.
13:53Yeah.
13:54We tried to sue the mall, but then the mall just closed.
13:59Remember malls?
14:02You know Brian loves you, right?
14:04Yeah, I know.
14:05No.
14:06No, like he really loves you.
14:08I know.
14:08I know.
14:09I don't quite know how to handle it, but he's such a good boy.
14:14And he'll be dead in a couple of years, so.
14:17Oh, you are one twisted lady.
14:21You should try out for the capital steps.
14:23What's that?
14:23I don't know.
14:24It's weird at the Swansons.
14:26Oh my God.
14:26What if we did an adventure together?
14:29Oh yes, I know the perfect thing for this vibe.
14:31Watch the big Lebowski at a small theater by a college.
14:35Okay.
14:36Do you think I'll like it?
14:37You'll think it's fine.
14:39All women think it's fine.
14:44Huh.
14:45Wouldn't you think John Goodman would be the big Lebowski?
14:48Oh yeah.
14:49That's good.
14:50I have a million of these thoughts a day.
14:52Who am I supposed to tell him to, freaking Bonnie?
14:55Can I, can I say something?
14:56Bonnie's not pretty enough to be as mean as she is.
14:59Yes!
15:00That!
15:01That!
15:01I'm really enjoying being on drugs with you.
15:04I don't know why people say drugs are bad.
15:06Oof, ooh, bad time for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.
15:09I can't stop thinking about the girl who sold us the tickets and then had to run and make the
15:13popcorn.
15:14Yeah, and I saw a broom by the popcorn maker, so you know she's putting on one more hat.
15:21I'm still hungry.
15:22I'm starving.
15:23We gotta go to IHOP, right?
15:25Have to.
15:26Thank you so much.
15:29We had such a nice time.
15:35You know our waitress was the girl from the movie theater, right?
15:38Yeah, I couldn't look up.
15:39Nobody's rooting for her harder than me, but you just know she's not getting our order right.
15:43Yeah, just write it down.
15:44God.
15:44Okay, real talk.
15:48Sometimes I get the feeling that I might love you more than you love me, which is fine.
15:53You're not wrong.
15:55Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this, but there was a time when I actually wanted to kill you.
16:00What?
16:02Why would you want to do that?
16:04Maybe because you're such a doormat.
16:06You let everyone walk all over you.
16:07Your husband, your kids, Bonnie.
16:09I don't understand why that would make you want to kill me.
16:12I thought it was because I hated you, but maybe I just wanted to put you out of your misery.
16:18I think I wanted to kill you because I came from you.
16:22Whatever is in you must also be in me.
16:26I wanted to kill the part of myself that scares me the most.
16:31Wow.
16:34You're mad at me.
16:45IHOP must be a rabbit's favorite restaurant, right?
16:49You're gonna get us kicked out of here.
16:51Thanks for sharing.
16:53That was hard to hear, but it's okay.
16:57I'm your mom and my job is to love you to the moon and back no matter what.
17:02Do you feel that?
17:05Yeah.
17:06I do.
17:07Good.
17:07Then I'm doing my job and all you gotta do is just be a kid.
17:12We ordered omelettes.
17:14Oh no, this is good though. This is good.
17:16Better than what we ordered. Yay!
17:22Step on the crack, break your mama's back.
17:25No, I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.
17:28No, you can. It's just a silly game.
17:31Okay.
17:32Ow!
17:33Mama! Mama! I'm sorry!
17:35Ha ha ha! Gotcha!
17:37Mom! Whoa! Where has this Lois been?
17:41Yeah, I should let her come out more.
17:43I didn't used to be so uptight, you know? I used to be crazy and fun.
17:48Really?
17:49I shouldn't be telling you this, but once in college...
17:52This is nuts.
17:54Okay.
17:54But my friends and I, we stayed up till one in the morning playing Jimmy Crack Corn with spoons on
18:00the bathroom sinks.
18:02Ha ha ha!
18:03Uh, okay?
18:04Yeah!
18:05It was just like, really crazy.
18:09Hey, we should get back at Bonnie for how mean she always is to you.
18:12Yes!
18:13I'll go get spoons.
18:15Do you know Jimmy Crack Corn? I can teach you.
18:17We'll sing it so loud.
18:19No, no. Just follow my lead.
18:24Bonnie gives you crap, we give her crap.
18:27Griffin style.
18:29I'm not gonna be able to go.
18:31Mom, I've known you since I was a baby.
18:34You try too hard with everything.
18:35You're wound so tightly.
18:37Just let it go, babe.
18:38Just let it...
18:39Ha ha ha!
18:39I did it!
18:40I just let it go!
18:42Yes, the movie Popcorn and IHOP probably get an assist.
18:48What a night!
18:50We should go on a trip, like to Tuscany or something.
18:52Oh, like an eat, pray, love.
18:54Yeah, like a mom and son Paschetti trip.
18:57Want another Oreo?
18:59Ah!
19:00Ha ha ha!
19:01Gotcha!
19:03Ah!
19:04Come on, you remember your Oreo tantrum earlier?
19:06You know, my tantrums are never about the thing they're about.
19:10What do you mean?
19:11It's a generalized lack of control.
19:13I have no autonomy.
19:15I'm on everyone else's schedule.
19:17Stewie, I see you.
19:18I hear you.
19:19And I feel the same way.
19:21All adults do.
19:23They do?
19:23I mean, I'm not strapped in a car seat, but I may as well be.
19:27Every day, it's shopping, chores, cleaning, repeat.
19:30So it's not just me?
19:32Thanks, Mom.
19:34Oh, I love you, sweetie.
19:41So, you're not gonna kill me, right?
19:44Not anytime soon.
19:49Ah!
19:50Joe!
19:50Why are there three human poos on our lawn?
19:54Two of them aren't mine!
20:13Why am I on the floor?
20:14Why are you here?
20:16Why am I in Stewie's room?
20:18I don't remember anything.
20:19This is like The Hangover with Justin Bartha.
20:22Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.
20:24Oh, there you are.
20:25I have no memory of what happened last night.
20:28Yet, I have the strangest feeling that Stewie and I, we shared something special.
20:34Pancakes, please.
20:35Yes, it's strange, Rupert, but I feel the same way.
20:38Something changed with us.
20:40I think this is a whole new beginning.
20:43Uh-uh-uh.
20:44Too early, little guy.
20:46Wah!
20:47Wah!
20:48Wah!
20:49Oh, my God.
20:50What is wrong with you?
20:51It's just Oreos.
20:53Well, I guess we'll always have whatever last night was.
20:57Or out of your Tom's of Maine rough and dry baby wipes.
21:00I'll order more.
21:02I'm gonna kill her.
21:04Eh.
21:32It, huh?
21:33That's right.
21:33Ah gratitude, naive.
21:33in the future with a Fishery V transhuman1.
21:33And all of the Fraucionals in Grand Theftakes is special.
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