- 8 hours ago
Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 05: Dear Francis
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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:35Well, Lois, the socks got destroyed
00:38Don't worry about me driving
00:39The cops don't have jurisdiction over yards
00:42It's like international waters
00:44Lois?
00:45Peter, in here!
00:47Peter, I've been up here for three hours
00:49Oh, this happens to me all the time
00:51The floor isn't lava, that's just a show
00:53Now I saw a huge disgusting spider on the floor
00:57You should have heard her before going on and on
01:00About how she'd definitely win on Survivor
01:02Pathetic
01:03Oh God, kill it before it goes back behind the fridge
01:07Wait, wait, wait, actually don't
01:09But spiders are precious for some stupid reason that I can't remember
01:12Just put it outside
01:18Wow, who is this guy?
01:20I know, right?
01:21I was very brave for a boy my age
01:24No, Peter, I'm talking about the heart
01:27All turned around
01:29You look like LL Cool J when you do that
01:32Captain Patrick Zevo from Toys?
01:34Oh, Peter, your cultural references are a mess
01:37Just toss the spider and meet me upstairs
01:41Thanks for getting me sex, spider
01:43Now go, be free!
01:49Aw, that's sad
01:50But at least whenever a nature thing happens
01:52David Attenborough has to narrate it
01:54The spider becomes a tragedy
01:57In nature's cruel circle
01:59Unmoved, the obese mammal returns to his den for procreation
02:12No, leave it on
02:16Aw, yeah, you like this hat?
02:21Oh, Peter, it's like I'm doing the Lincoln Park guy who killed himself
02:25Chester Bennington?
02:27No, no, don't say the name, the name ruins it
02:31Oh, Peter
02:33Oh, Peter
02:36Francis
02:39Did you just say Francis?
02:41I don't know what I said, Lois, it was the 90s
02:44It was 10 seconds ago
02:45Oh, right, I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that
02:49Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?
02:53Holy crap, I think you're right
02:55I guess I must have thought about my old man Francis for a second while we were doing it
02:59Wow
03:02So where were we?
03:05No, Peter
03:05I just...
03:06I need a minute
03:09Leave the hat
03:14Hey Peter, wanna see a meme that everyone but me saw 10 years ago?
03:18Look, now what color do you think this dress is?
03:21No thanks, Joe, not in the mood
03:23There you go, boys
03:24Thanks, Francis
03:25Thanks, Francis
03:26You're the best, Francis
03:27Thank you kindly, Miss Francis
03:28If you need me, just yell my name
03:32That Francis sure is something else
03:36Hey, Peter, what's the matter?
03:38Well, Lois and I were having drunk backwards hat sex last night
03:41And right in the middle, I yelled out Francis
03:43I was thinking about that new waitress
03:45Oh, boy
03:46But Lois thinks I meant Francis, as in my dead dad
03:49Well, I suppose that was a fair assumption, your dad was pretty odd
03:53I should probably come clean, huh?
03:55Just tell her that I wasn't thinking about my dad
03:57But rather a very attractive younger woman who I often see in an unsupervised setting
04:01And to whom I've often lied and said I'm unmarried
04:04Lois'll get it, right?
04:05No way, Peter
04:06I saw gold, some saw blue
04:08Yeah, you're much better off with Lois thinking you yelled out dead dad, Francis
04:12As sick as that is
04:13As sick as that is
04:14Than her knowing you were thinking about hot chick, Francis
04:16You guys are right
04:18I guess I can never tell Lois the truth
04:20But that's okay
04:21I'm not the first person with a dirty sex secret
04:23Wow, I can see why they call you Catherine the Great
04:28Thanks
04:29And hey, do you mind not telling your friends about this?
04:33I mean, if this gets out, it'll be the only thing I'm remembered for
04:35Oh, for sure, totally, I got you
04:43That better be the sound of normal trotting and not horse high fives
04:47It's normal trotting
04:48Normal trotting
04:49Normal trotting
04:49I was in a parade
04:54We now return to Wonka, starring Timothee Chalamet
04:57This Chalamet kid thinks he's hot stuff now, but just wait
05:00He's gonna be one of those actors who never takes his shirt off like Patrick Dempsey
05:04Yeah, I...
05:05What?
05:06I'm just saying, a guy never takes his shirt off
05:08But Chalamet has taken his shirt off
05:10Yeah, he takes his shirt off now, but trust me, in a few years he's gonna stop doing it
05:14Just like Dempsey
05:15So, are you saying you want him to take his shirt off?
05:19No, I just... Chalamet's just...
05:20I'm just saying, he's being a total Patrick Dempsey
05:23What?
05:23I don't know, he confuses me
05:25Peter, there you are
05:26Look, I need to talk to you about what happened last night
05:28You know, saying, Francis
05:31I think you should see a therapist
05:33What? Why?
05:34You might have some feelings about your father that you still need to process
05:38After all, you did fall off a unicycle and crush him to death
05:42It sounds far-fetched, but that's literally what happened
05:45Plus, he was always very distant
05:47Lois, I don't know what mental health TikTok has led you to believe, but I swear to you
05:51It was just your run-of-the-mill dead dad named during sex brain fart
05:54I'm totally fine
05:55Well, hold on there, Peter
05:57Therapy could do you worlds of good
05:59For example, thanks to my therapist, I no longer need a bowl that says good boy on it to know
06:04that I'm a good boy
06:05Would I like one of those bowls? Sure
06:07But do I need it? I don't know
06:09I...
06:11I don't know
06:12Fine, Peter, if you won't do therapy, then maybe we can get to the bottom of it with my tarot
06:17cards
06:18Okay, let's see
06:19A knife, an open field, and Lorena Bobbitt
06:24Oh, I wonder if that means...
06:26Oh, no, no, no, I'll do the therapy, you win
06:28Wonderful
06:29This is a big step, Peter
06:32Brian, what are all these petco-links?
06:34I need the good boy bowl, or I'm bad
06:41So, basically, I realize that there's some big feelings inside Peter about his deceased father that he's clearly trying to
06:47work through, and that's why he's here today
06:50Alright, well, with the two minutes we have left, maybe he can speak? Peter, can you tell me a bit
06:55about yourself?
06:56Oh, boy, uh, what is there to say? I met an astronaut once, not a good one, not one on
07:01the moon once
07:01Now that I think of it, was he an astronaut? He may have been a firefighter
07:05You know what? He was a firefighter
07:06He had the day off on 9-11, that I remember
07:09And you know what? He drove a Chevy Astro, that's what was confusing me
07:12But to sum up, met a firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro, didn't help on 9-11
07:16Uh, oh, and I guess I wanna bang my dad
07:19Hmm, interesting, may I see a picture?
07:25Oh, wow, and do you have any shirtless pictures of him?
07:28Or was he more of a Patrick Dempsey?
07:31What?
07:31Total Dempsey, zero shirtless pics post-40
07:34I see, well, this is very serious
07:36This kind of outburst suggests major unresolved feelings surrounding your father, as well as around your role as a father
07:42yourself
07:43Called it!
07:44For starters, you'll need to build much stronger relationships with your own children
07:48That'll be the first step towards finding closure
07:51Ugh, just tell me the absolute least I'm allowed to do, and I promise I will almost do it
07:56No Peter, you'll need to treat this like a second full-time job where nobody pays you and your family
08:01members are all your boss
08:03Perfect, thank you doctor, we'll get right to work
08:06I stored my number, in case you need to reach me
08:09I've also signed you up for my joke of the week newsletter
08:11Oh, hmm, okay, I'd like to opt out of that
08:15Yes, I bet you would
08:16Oh, and Peter, before I forget, are you just... gay?
08:20I'm not gay
08:20Okay, you'd be surprised how often that happens
08:23Twenty minutes in, we figure that out, and boom, we're done
08:32Kids, we have an announcement
08:35Your dad is on a journey to deal with his father issues
08:38So, as part of his treatment, he'll be spending some quality time with each of you
08:43And just as a goof, I think we should all do name tags
08:46Or is this gonna be stuff you wanna do, or stuff we wanna do?
08:51It's gonna be whatever's funniest, Chief
08:53Unsubscribe
08:53Chris, this isn't the internet, it's our kitchen
08:56Downvote
08:57Oh man, I can think of so many fun things we could do
08:59Go to the park
09:00Yeah, this is gonna be real family only
09:02Your last name is more of a courtesy thing
09:04www.bustylatinowives.org
09:07Chris, again, this is not a computer
09:10Sorry, I might have clicked some spyware
09:21You seem busy, I'll leave you to it
09:26Alright, I guess I'm supposed to do whatever it is you like to do
09:29Well, what'll it be? Dressing up dolls, braiding hair?
09:35Get him, Peggy! Peck his little eyes out!
09:38Meg, I can't tell if these people are very poor or very, very rich
09:43Meg, who is this tall man without petua?
09:50For you, no one. You didn't see anything
09:52And now, smile, as if I said something funny, and leave
09:56Ha ha ha ha ha!
09:58Smile louder!
10:04So, uh, what's new in your life?
10:08Not much. I guess I'm just really upset people are paying so much for home insurance
10:12What?
10:13I've heard anecdotally that places like Allstate are charging $2,000 to $3,000 more than State Farm
10:19Is that true?
10:20In the unreliable anecdotal world, yes, it's very true
10:24Chris, are you working for State Farm?
10:26I'm not working for State Farm. I'm having the time of my life for State Farm
10:30Yeah, listen, I'm not really looking to buy insurance
10:32Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Mrs. Griffin is Mr. Griffin available
10:40Okay, I'm supposed to read you a bedtime story, but all your stories are lame
10:44So instead, I'm reading the Applebee's menu
10:46Chapter 1, Sizzlin' Starters
10:49This is why doctors call your cholesterol level clinically impossible
10:53Yeah, it's a good menu
10:54You can tell by how laminated it is
10:56If it's possible to wet the menu in any way, you have failed as a restaurant
11:01Oh God, he's not even reading it, he's just riffing
11:03We're gonna skip the salad chapter, but it doesn't affect the story at all
11:11I tell you, if you have a water pick, you basically have a bidet
11:14Anyway, it was good connecting with the kids
11:16Oh, that's great, honey
11:18Yeah, I think it meant a lot to them too
11:20Yeah, that fat one, the other one, the girl, I wanna say
11:25Nobody did name tags
11:26I think they thought I was joking, I wasn't joking
11:29But in any case, yeah, I think I'm cured now
11:31Eh, not so fast, Peter
11:33You know, I've been texting with the therapist
11:35You have?
11:36Yeah, ignore the penis pictures
11:38He said he sent them by mistake unless I liked them
11:41Okay, here we go
11:42Dr. Snelling says
11:44Peter needs to write a letter to his dead father to help him properly grieve and move on
11:49But won't a letter make me sleepy?
11:52My point is, Peter, that the hard work has only just begun
11:56Tomorrow, I think we should take the whole family to your father's grave so you can read the letter to
12:01him
12:01Doesn't that sound healing?
12:03It does, and it doesn't
12:06I mean, it does and it doesn't
12:08It doesn't
12:13I think this is gonna be very cathartic for you, Peter
12:16There's Grandpa
12:21It's all gravy, baby?
12:23Oh, yeah, he never said that
12:25He was dead, so I told the tombstone guy to go nuts
12:27We were just laughing and laughing
12:29We are losing sight of the purpose for today's visit
12:32Which is for Peter to read a letter to his dead father
12:35I didn't write the letter
12:36Oh, what is the point of spending $40 for mini mall therapy if you're not gonna do the work?
12:42Just, just say something
12:43Uh, kids, come on, let's, let's give your father some space
12:50Okay
12:51Apples and pears, apples and pears, sibilance, sibilance
12:58Peter, come to the clam, quick
12:59Frances lost a bet and she's coyote ugly-ing on the bar
13:05And three-time People's Choice Award winner Patrick Dempsey is here
13:11Uh-oh, those t-shirts are clicking on something terrible
13:14But what are they gonna do about it?
13:17Ready, Patrick?
13:18Ready, Frances
13:20Oh, my phone is dead
13:23Dead
13:26Wow, will you look at that? A breakthrough
13:29I, and to a far lesser extent, Peter did it
13:31I guess nobody's gonna mention my suit
13:38Well, Meg, this was a very inappropriate time to call shotgun on your father
13:41But Peter, we are all very proud of you
13:44You finally let yourself grieve
13:47Thanks, and all good about the shotgun
13:48I'll just kick her seat every three seconds
13:50Dad, I'm just glad you're feeling better, and we all love you
13:54Yeah, way to go, Dad
13:56Thanks, guys
13:57I feel like I've done the work
13:59You sure have
14:00And as a reward, we have one last surprise for you
14:04You do?
14:05Ah, crap
14:07Isn't this great?
14:08Your whole family at your favorite place
14:10This is, like, undoubtedly my future, huh?
14:14Yeah, you'll probably go to Arizona for a year or two, but you'll be back
14:18It'll be too much
14:19So, do we order with the waitress here or-
14:22No, no, no, let me handle this
14:23Jerome?
14:24I would like to make an anonymous bomb threat
14:26Peter, for the last time
14:28That doesn't work face to face
14:31How about now?
14:33Oh, here's someone, miss
14:34A round of drinks for my wonderful cured husband
14:38Oh, hey there
14:40Peter, I didn't know you had a family
14:41Francis, we need silverware for table four
15:00Dad?
15:07Coming at this straight, you only hung out with us in order to not have to confess to Mom that
15:13you weren't actually shouting out Grandpa's name during sex, but rather the name of a woman to whom you are
15:19not married?
15:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, Chris
15:21That is exactly right
15:23All that big work on yourself I thought you were doing
15:26Peter, this is a new low
15:27Yeah, I can't even look at you
15:29Come on, kids
15:29We're leaving
15:30Now, if you'll excuse me, the sounds you're gonna hear as I angrily slide out of the vinyl seats, not
15:36farts
15:43Don't bother coming home tonight
15:47She was way out of the booth for that last one
15:49Not gonna sugarcoat it, Peter, that was brutal
15:51Well, I guess I gotta get my family back
15:54You know, Bond's been making some great sea glass jewelry lately
15:57Great way to say you're sorry with some sad hobby sea glass
16:01No thanks, Joe
16:02I know just what I gotta do
16:03I just need a boombox and some Peter Gabriel
16:07Tell you what, Joe
16:08I will buy Bonnie's sea glass in exchange for you purchasing 60 bottles of Donna's Tahitian Nani juice
16:14Let's do it
16:15We gotta keep them happy
16:16This is a sad little micro-economy we've created to stay married
16:36We're long a razor's edge
16:38But don't look down, just keep your head or you're finished
16:47Open up the limit
16:51Past the point of no return
16:54We've reached the top
16:55We've reached the top but still
16:56You gotta learn how to keep it
17:03Hit the wheel and double the stakes
17:06Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell
17:09You can crash the gate
17:12Crash the gate
17:15Going for the back of beyond
17:18Nothing gonna stop you
17:20There's nothing that's strong
17:21So close now
17:23You're nearly at the brink
17:24So push it
17:26Oh yeah
17:27Oh yeah
17:39Peter, what are you doing?
17:41I'm doing Say Anything, but that Peter Gabriel song is too expensive
17:45So this is 1001 wacky sound effects
17:50You see Dad's quivering delts?
17:52That's why we don't skip delts day
17:54What do you think, Lois?
17:55I hate it
17:56That's okay, that's okay
17:57What about the butt kite?
17:59The butt kite makes it worse
18:01It's an egregious waste of tickets
18:07Leave me alone
18:11I guess we both struck out
18:13Yeah, would you mind driving me to a series of appointments?
18:20Sorry, the couch doesn't pull out, Giggity
18:22But seriously, you're gonna sleep bad
18:24That's okay
18:25Thanks for letting me stay here, Quagmire
18:27No problem
18:28Just know, a woman's coming over later to hurt me
18:30And I didn't pay her to hurt you too
18:32But if you wanna pitch in like 15 bucks, she could probably noogie you on the way out
18:36Aw, that's nice
18:37Peter, Lois is only gonna forgive you if you man up and you actually do the work
18:42Oh, my escort's here
18:44Ni ha
18:45Ow!
18:46And we're on the clock
18:53So, are you gonna apologize to me or what?
18:56That's not what we're doing, Peter
18:57Oh, right, for once it's on me
18:59I'm shutting the door now
19:00Wait, I've got something to say
19:01I wrote that letter to my dad like you wanted
19:04Y-you did?
19:34Dear Dad
19:35I don't realize now that I never wanna be that kind of dad
19:37I'm not perfect
19:39But I'll always be proud of my idiot kids
19:42So, turns out the one thing you did right was showing me the kind of dad and husband I don't
19:47wanna be
19:48So, goodbye, dad
19:49I hope I'm better than you
19:51But also, please answer my ghost questions
19:54Amen
19:54Peter, you did it
19:56You actually did the work
19:58I love you, Lois
20:00I love you too, Peter
20:04Sorry I yelled the hot lady's name
20:06Oh, it's alright
20:07If it makes you feel better when we're doing it, I'm mostly thinking about Chris Hemsworth
20:12Is that why you whispered Chris that one time? I thought you just meant our son
20:16Oh, now I'm upset
20:23Well, it's good to be living at home again
20:24But I appreciate you letting me stay with you, Quagmire
20:27No problem, Peter
20:28By the way, you left your minions' pajamas at my place
20:31Keep them
20:31Lois says I'm not supposed to wear them because they keep me up laughing too much
20:35Thanks, Jerome
20:36Hey, whatever happened to Frances?
20:38I don't know
20:39She just suddenly stopped coming into work last week
20:45There you go, Frances
20:46Jerome told us it was your dream to go to nursing school, so go
20:50Uh, I wanted to be a tattoo artist
20:52Eh, tattoo artist, nurse, it's all gravy, baby
20:55Got it, Bon
21:16Stay with me
21:35In Green
21:37Let's be
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