- 8 hours ago
Free Bert - Season 1 - Episode 03: Nutless
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00:12Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:17Got my face in McClare, I'm a new look set
00:20I'm a place we can share, put you on the A-list
00:24Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:28Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:32Alright, is this the thing?
00:36I gotta say, I'm questioning this shit out of the whole move
00:39Uh, what are your concerns?
00:41Just the overall neutering of yourself, conforming purely for acceptance
00:45Is spineless a word?
00:46It is, but it does not apply here, okay?
00:50You trying to sell me on that or yourself?
00:54Do my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
01:01Well, it's definitely different
01:04Well that was the whole point, right?
01:05I'm all for change, it's obviously needed, but maybe we're over correcting here
01:10Yeah
01:10Are you bumping on the shorts with the button down? Because I can swap them out with white slacks
01:15No, that's not what I was saying at all
01:17So you're saying that it's the button down then? Because I can switch out the button down
01:20For this salmon polo, two salmons
01:23And you bought all this for brunch with the Vanderbilt
01:25Right, the way you're saying that makes it sound like it's nothing
01:28Randy Hoskus stuck his neck out to get us this invite
01:30And? Zach Hoskus is gonna be there
01:33Oh, would you like to go now?
01:35Why? What's the point?
01:36Yeah, he's made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with her
01:39It went from texting all day, every day
01:41To total darkness
01:43Just like that
01:43Aw
01:44Maybe he's playing hard to get
01:45Don't forget, the kid's got fucking game
01:47Yes
01:47And you're convinced that you have to completely sell out to get them to like you?
01:51Hey, excuse me, we are not selling out
01:53The Vanderthals have a lot of sway at this school
01:56We can't afford to have them as enemies
01:58Okay, zero chance that's gonna work
02:00It's literally like putting lipstick on a pig
02:02Okay
02:03If we have any chance of patching things up with them
02:06The pig requires a little lipstick
02:08Alright
02:09The pig needs a little more than that
02:10Mascara, blush
02:12Guys, guys, guys
02:12Can we stop saying the word pig?
02:13I think that the pig should just be proud to be a fucking pig
02:16Thank you, Isla
02:17But once again, I think there's a better analogy for this whole thing
02:19I don't
02:38Alright, let's talk game plan
02:39I'm thinking classic divide and conquer
02:41I grease up Landon
02:42You play nice with Chanel
02:44Ooh, yes
02:45Done
02:45Kill her with kindness
02:47I will have that bitch wrapped around my finger in no time
02:50And then
02:52Once we smooth that over
02:55I go full core press on Zack
02:57There he is
02:58Hey
02:59Look at you, all dressed up
03:02You remember Mayumi
03:03Yes, of course
03:04Mayumi
03:05How you doing?
03:08And you must be Leanne
03:09Yes
03:10Hi
03:11Leanne, Randy, and Mayumi Hotchkiss
03:14Yes
03:15Oh, it is so nice to meet you both
03:17Leanne, you are one lucky lady
03:19Aw
03:19I was just saying to Yumi this morning
03:21Wait till you hang with Bert
03:22He is gonna blow your panties off
03:24Aw
03:27Have you seen Landon and Chanel?
03:28No
03:29No, we just got here
03:29Wait, are you sure it's cool we're here?
03:31Oh, absolutely
03:32I spoke to them
03:33Got them all lubed up
03:34All you gotta do is drill at home
03:36Something I get the feeling you're comfortable with, right?
03:38Am I off, Leanne?
03:40I
03:41I
03:41Come on, come on
03:43Okay
03:43I'll bring you to him
03:44Thank you
03:47Yes
03:47Yes
03:59Yes
04:00Yes
04:00Yes
04:13All right
04:14Yay
04:14Let's play nice today, kids
04:16Yes
04:16What do you say we start over?
04:18Bert and Leanne Kreischer?
04:20Dr. Landon and Chanel Vanderthalm
04:22Hi
04:23Uh, thank you both so much for having us
04:25Oh, it's our pleasure
04:26We really take pride in giving people second chances
04:29Oh, that is so generous
04:31And what a lovely home you have
04:33Oh, don't even get me started
04:34I wanna redo every inch of it
04:36Oh boy
04:36No, yeah, sure
04:38Yeah, I can see that
04:39What do you mean?
04:41Oh, no, I was just agreeing
04:43Let me start by saying, first and foremost
04:47I was so wrong for the way I behaved
04:49I went way too far and that wasn't me
04:52It wasn't either of us
04:53Well, um, thank you for saying that
04:56No, thank you
04:57Honestly, I'm a little ashamed of some of the things I said
05:01Understandably
05:02Who am I to suggest that you couldn't orally pleasure him
05:04Because of all the lip injections you've had?
05:07I was wrong
05:08And for that, I apologize
05:11Yeah, apology accepted?
05:13And to imply that the work you've done on her face
05:15Is anything less than perfection
05:17Was clearly said out of spite
05:19So, seriously
05:21Got it
05:21Letting it go
05:22Moving on
05:23Great, hey, you know what?
05:24Let's go grab a drink
05:24I'm sure there's plenty of movement on her face
05:26When you ejaculate onto it
05:27Uh-huh
05:29I was wrong to insinuate otherwise
05:32Okay
05:33And good
05:34And we thank you for saying that as well
05:36Don't we?
05:37Uh-huh
05:38You know what?
05:38I, for one
05:39I'm so glad that we were all able to just
05:41Put that behind us
05:42Yes, us too
05:43Sooner the better
05:44Hey
05:44Hey
05:45Water under the bridge
05:46Mm-hmm
05:53Okay
05:53Great
05:54Awesome
05:54Welcome to our home
06:00All right, gentlemen
06:02Here we go
06:02Thank you, thank you
06:03Yeah, thank you, sir
06:04Okay
06:06To new beginnings, huh?
06:08Hey
06:08New beginnings
06:09You assholes starting without me?
06:10Oh-ho
06:11Well, we thought you were still parking cars out front
06:15Sorry, but we like to, uh, pepper a little racism in our humor
06:18You cool with that?
06:19Actually, no
06:21Yeah, I'm afraid I'll have to leave now
06:25Can you pull my car around, Capitola?
06:28Burt, Glenn Darvish.
06:29Hey, it's good to meet you, man.
06:31Glenn's the managing partner over at Stratum.
06:33Yeah, he runs the, it's the largest, right?
06:35Yeah, Private Commercial Real Estate Debt Fund.
06:38Just in North America, yeah.
06:40Number two in Europe.
06:42Private Commercial Real Estate Debt Fund.
06:43That's crazy.
06:44I have a huge chunk of my new hour about that.
06:46This fucking guy.
06:48I swear to Christ.
06:50Hey, that's some funny shit right there.
06:52Right? I told you.
06:53Is that the kind of thing you bring to the table in a friendship?
06:57Yeah, I try to.
06:58Huh, well, I love it.
07:00Right?
07:00Yeah.
07:00I told you, we had them all wrong.
07:02Yeah, well, it might be that I'm not good at first impressions.
07:05Oh.
07:06Yeah.
07:07No question.
07:08There's definitely that.
07:09100%.
07:10No, no, no, but beyond that, there's a different energy here, right?
07:14You guys feeling that?
07:15Yeah.
07:15No, no, definitely.
07:16Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's working.
07:20Keep it up.
07:21Yeah.
07:22I'll definitely try to.
07:24Good.
07:29Wow.
07:31This is your closet?
07:33Just for my purses and shoes.
07:35Could you imagine if this was it?
07:37It was so gross.
07:38It was so embarrassing.
07:41It's so funny, I grew up in a trailer the same size as this.
07:45Yes.
07:46What do you mean?
07:47Why is that funny?
07:48Oh.
07:49No, um, not funny like a joke.
07:52I was just commenting.
07:53Commenting on what?
07:55Just, uh, the irony.
07:58Hmm.
07:59How is it ironic that my closet is the size of your child at home?
08:04Yeah.
08:05Yeah, no, it's ironic, so I'm not the right word.
08:08You know what?
08:09This is probably just me.
08:10Yeah.
08:10I'm overly sensitive to women not supporting other women.
08:14So.
08:15Right.
08:21And that's when I made the decision to start working on myself.
08:24Huh.
08:24Dude, so inspiring.
08:26Yeah.
08:26It really is.
08:27Glenn, you really feel the need to tack on like that?
08:30Yeah, no, that was unnecessary.
08:32Completely.
08:32No, but honestly, though, uh, you know, change, it does start from the inside, but there's
08:35no reason it can't find its way to the outside.
08:37Oh, shit.
08:38As a matter of fact, if I want to just get you down to the office, look, look at this.
08:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:43There's no reason that I couldn't just, look at that.
08:45You see what that just did right there?
08:46Oh, dude.
08:46Look at that.
08:47See that?
08:47Oh, yeah.
08:48See what I did right there?
08:49Bring that up just like that.
08:51You should have seen the gals on me before I met this guy.
08:53Uh-huh.
08:54The maestro.
08:55Oh, yeah.
08:56I could also, if I may, get in there and just get rid of those guys right there.
09:00See what I did right there?
09:01Oh, yes.
09:01Feel it.
09:02Feel it, yeah.
09:02Feel the difference?
09:03See you, like, one more time.
09:03Wait, it looks good?
09:04Oh, yeah.
09:05Here's the best.
09:05What do you think?
09:05Should I have Tony reach out, set an appointment?
09:08Maybe take a beat?
09:10Think it over?
09:10You want to take a beat?
09:11Take a beat.
09:12Seriously?
09:13What's to think about?
09:14Hey, can you guys give me one second?
09:15I'll be right back, okay?
09:17Okay.
09:17Just a phone call away.
09:21They fucking love me.
09:23I am killing it.
09:24How you doing on your end?
09:25I don't know.
09:26She's fucking brutal.
09:28She reamed me her closet.
09:29Yeah?
09:30Well, maybe it's you.
09:31No, wait.
09:31Well, you know how when you try too hard you get that sweaty energy?
09:34You're blaming me.
09:35Like, I tried.
09:36How is this my fault?
09:38Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
09:40There's the kid.
09:41Solo at the omelet station.
09:43It's go time.
09:44Wish me luck.
09:45Hey, do you want me to come with you?
09:51What's up, fuckboy?
09:52What do you want?
09:54I stopped DMing her.
09:55Buddy, relax.
09:57You still chapped about her running at school?
09:59I mean, yeah.
10:01Kinda.
10:02I was just busting your...
10:04I was just messing with ya.
10:06It was pretty extreme.
10:07Okay.
10:08I overreacted.
10:09One day you're gonna be my age and you're gonna understand.
10:12Dude, it is tough when your daughter starts dating.
10:14Especially a stud like you.
10:18I felt threatened, bro.
10:21I'm like a kid.
10:22Dude, you're Zach fucking Hotchkiss.
10:25You're handsome, athletic.
10:27Think I noticed a little sense of humor in there.
10:31If you wanna date my daughter, you have my blessing.
10:36Are you fucking with me?
10:37No, I'm not fucking with you.
10:38So what do you say we give it a go?
10:39You come by the house.
10:40You hang out with Georgia.
10:42See if that spark's still there.
10:43And if it's not, you walk away clean.
10:45No questions asked.
10:49Okay.
10:49Yeah.
10:51Saturday.
10:51Yeah?
10:52Let's lock you in for Saturday.
10:54Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if we didn't lock it in.
10:56Okay.
10:57Just trying to keep things fluid.
10:58I totally get that.
10:59I fucking love fluidity.
11:00So we'll put it on the calendar.
11:02We'll try to keep it.
11:03And if we gotta slide it, we slide it.
11:06Sound cool?
11:06I guess.
11:07Yeah, so Saturday.
11:08Yeah, unless something comes up.
11:10No, no, yeah, obviously.
11:11Unless stuff comes up.
11:12But if it doesn't, Saturday.
11:25That was fucking amazing.
11:27I am really good at this.
11:28Let me tell you something.
11:29I told a joke at one point that wasn't even really a joke in structure.
11:33It was basically a racist statement.
11:35Mm-hmm.
11:36And they laughed so hard.
11:37Honestly, at one moment, I thought Landon wanted to blow me.
11:40I wish I could say the same.
11:42I can't say anything to this fucking woman without her just jumping down my throat.
11:46Can I give you a suggestion?
11:48What?
11:48Have you tried listening?
11:49Oh.
11:50Because it's working gangbusters for me.
11:51And you don't even have to listen.
11:53You just have to say you're listening and then make faces and say things back to them like,
11:56um, how so?
11:57I did it with Randy the other day.
11:59It was like a magic trick.
12:00God.
12:01Why do I even care?
12:02These people suck.
12:03At least one of us did his job.
12:04You got Zach to come?
12:05No, he doesn't have testicles, baby.
12:07That's why we're doing all of this.
12:08No!
12:08To the house, dummy.
12:09Oh.
12:10You think I was asking if you got a boy to ejaculate at the Alma station?
12:13I don't know.
12:14How am I supposed to know at this point?
12:15Yes, Zach is coming to the house on Saturday and dude doesn't stand a chance.
12:19I'm pulling out all the toys.
12:20I've said it before and you know this is true.
12:22I could be a world-class pedophile if I wanted to be.
12:24Oh, yes.
12:25Yes, you said that.
12:26I'm gonna put on a fucking clinic, lure him into my van, give him a little candy,
12:30drop his pants down to his ankles and hand him over to George.
12:32Okay.
12:33Your analogy's gone a little far, but I like the overall concept.
12:36What can I say?
12:37It's a gift.
12:47So what, they bought your bullshit?
12:49Fucking ate it up.
12:50Yeah, on the salmon polo?
12:51I got three separate compliments on it, thank you very much.
12:54He's not kidding, I witnessed it.
12:55Wait, so that's all you had to do?
12:57Put on some fancy shirt and pants and now they like you?
13:00It's a little more nuanced than that, Isla.
13:02The shirts opened the door, but I had to walk through it, you know what I mean?
13:05Not at all.
13:06So how'd you do, Mom?
13:07She shut the fucking bed.
13:08I got along with everyone, you're the acquired taste.
13:11Not with this crowd.
13:13I don't get it.
13:14But let's talk about the real victory here.
13:18Zack motherfucking Hotchkiss.
13:19Oh, no, Dad, what did you do?
13:21Nothing, I just hung out with him.
13:22He's a really chill dude.
13:23Mm-hmm.
13:24And he likes you a lot.
13:25Oh, yeah?
13:25Then why did he ghost me?
13:27I don't know, I think he got scared, right, hon?
13:29Yeah, and he feels really bad about it.
13:31Sure he does.
13:32No, he does.
13:32As a matter of fact, he feels so bad about it, he wants to make it up to you.
13:35Mm-hmm.
13:36So he's coming over to the house on Saturday.
13:38What?
13:40How'd you pull that off?
13:41You bribe him?
13:41No, I just, I opened his eyes a little bit.
13:44And then got out of the damn way.
13:47Wow.
13:48Uh, I mean, thank you.
13:52That's what dads do.
14:01Georgia!
14:02Georgia!
14:08Have I ever told you?
14:11I couldn't miss it for you.
14:16It isn't easy.
14:19Whoa!
14:20Where we're playing.
14:22Oh yeah.
14:29I think I may start crying.
14:34My heart can't wait another minute.
14:39When he kisses me at the sky.
14:42Kisses me at the sky.
14:44Kisses me at the sky.
14:46Kisses me at the sky.
15:13So, is it working?
15:16Are you kidding? It's a fucking layup. I just left them alone in the hot tub.
15:20Wait, you left them alone?
15:22Yeah, that's the beauty of this. I have never felt better about leaving two half-naked teenagers alone in a
15:27hot tub in my life.
15:28This is nice.
15:29Yeah.
15:31Are you bringing a beer?
15:32No, these are for me. I'm celebrating. I'm calling it right now. This scrotal surgery might be the best thing
15:37that's ever happened to this family.
15:38God, it is pretty great.
15:40Yeah.
15:41But on our partner, we terrible.
15:43For what?
15:43A whole thing. Using your pedophile powers to persuade this boy with no scrotum to go out with our daughter
15:48just because we know we can't inject him.
15:50Don't tell me you're having second thoughts. You want her to be happy, right?
15:52Oh, of course.
15:54Oh, fucking look at her. Have you ever seen her that happy?
15:56Right. Oh, it's kind of based on you.
15:59Based on what? Something other than sex? Is that so bad that they're going to get to know each other
16:03first?
16:03Well, no.
16:04And then in a year or two when his sack is healed, then we can start talking about handjobs maybe.
16:10Okay.
16:11Come on, guys. Handjobs again.
16:13Okay, hey, hey, hey. Those are for Chanel, a peace offer.
16:16And are you packaging them to look on me?
16:18Yes, I am.
16:19And you're doing that one?
16:21A couple of them always get burnt, right?
16:23Genius.
16:24Are you sure those are chocolate chips? They smell like something else.
16:27What do they smell like?
16:29Uh, oh, I know. Desperation.
16:32Oh, fuck off. I'm doing something nice with this bitch I can't stand.
16:36Yeah, I think you're playing the Chanel thing all wrong. Chanel's a brick wall.
16:40She responds to strength.
16:42Well, who didn't like chocolate chip cookies?
16:44No, no, I'm just saying, I don't want you to panic and fuck this whole thing up for us,
16:49because I've got us in a really good place right now.
16:51Well, since when have I ever been living to fuck something up? Like, ever.
16:54Hold on.
16:55Just because my fuck-ups are usually so big no one sees your fuck-ups,
16:58does not mean you don't fuck up.
17:02Hey, guys, get closer in the hot tub!
17:27Leigh Ann, what are you doing here?
17:29It's Leigh Ann, actually, and I just wanted to make up for the other day. I felt really bad.
17:36Yeah, I totally get that.
17:38I just, uh, it's so silly, I don't even remember what we're mad about.
17:42Really? I do.
17:44Right. Well, I just thought that we could start fresh, like these cookies I made.
17:50Oh, that's so thoughtful. It's so cute that you took the time to bake them yourself.
17:55Well, I bake with love, and I just, I wanted to put that energy into this gift.
18:01In a plastic container, sure.
18:03Yeah, uh, right, sorry about that. I just, I just transferred them right out of the oven.
18:08Yeah, and who needs a cute box and a ribbon when you have old dirty Tupperware lying around?
18:15I don't know, for me, I feel like you lose some of that freshness when you don't have that seal.
18:21Yeah, I get that, but for me, there's a presentation aspect that's hard to completely ignore.
18:27Sure, sure, but for me, I'm more substance over style,
18:31and at the end of the day, it's about what's best for the baked good.
18:35Yeah, understood, but for me, it's more about the person you're gifting, right?
18:39And less about the stupid fucking cookies?
18:45Yeah, definitely.
18:46Yeah, but honestly, so thoughtful.
18:51There's no nuts, right?
18:52Oh, God, no. No, no, no, I hate nuts.
18:54Great. Thanks, Linda.
18:56It's Lee... Anne.
19:00There we go.
19:02And we have fire.
19:05Now, uh, you guys need any sodas? Candies? Something else? What do you want?
19:09I mean, I'm, I'm good. What about you, Zach?
19:13Actually, yeah. Do you have any more red vines, bro?
19:16Dude, we have fucking red vines. Isla, get every fucking red vine in there.
19:19Isla, why do I have to?
19:21Because Zach is here, Isla.
19:22Get it. Go.
19:24All right. Temperature. How we doing?
19:27Zach, are you cold? Do you want a blanket?
19:29That would be cool.
19:30All right. Fuck yeah.
19:31Yeah.
19:34I know a lot of parents have a no blanket policy for fear what might happen underneath.
19:38But not us. We're chill, isn't that right, babe?
19:41Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whatever we just do. Make yourself at home.
19:45Have a good time.
19:46Just have fun. Relax.
19:48It is pretty chill.
19:49Yeah.
19:53What did I tell you?
19:54You have a plan. You execute the plan.
19:57Oh, solid work.
19:59Oh, okay.
19:59That wasn't strongly recommended.
20:01We did it.
20:01Hey, we did it.
20:03Previously on Euphoria.
20:28We built program at New York 555.
20:28I will нужны board's plans for a new year.
20:29You were a manager of a new year to reach out!
20:29Ugh!
20:42Oh boy!
20:48There is no need here for a new year.
20:49I will consider to yourself that you're safe.
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