- 8 hours ago
Free Bert - Season 1 - Episode 01: The Crowd Pleaser
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TVTranscript
00:05Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rob, happy birthday to
00:22you.
00:31Thank you guys so much for celebrating me tonight, it means the world to me.
00:36But now, the entertainment part of the night.
00:41America's favorite party boy comedian, the genius Burt Kreischer!
00:53Rob Lowe, everybody.
00:55Right?
00:56Whoa!
01:05Thank you, thank you, it's so nice to celebrate Rob's birthday with you guys.
01:10I absolutely adore this man, he is one of the greatest guys I've ever...
01:13Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:18Do it again.
01:20Do what?
01:21The shirt thing, just put it back on, take it off again.
01:23You want me to do it again?
01:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26It's my birthday.
01:27It's your birthday.
01:28Yeah, right?
01:29Who's with me?
01:30cheers!
01:30I completely did it again!
01:33OK.
01:38Whee!
01:42Whee!
01:42Whee!
01:43Whee!
01:44Whee!
01:44Whee!
01:44Whee!
01:45Whee!
01:45Whee!
01:46Whee!
01:47Whee!
02:04it's all they wanted on they flew me out here for this so i can take my shirt off 15
02:08fucking
02:08times i'll catch up with y'all in a second i'll see a drop off brief hi girl are you
02:12even listening
02:12to me what are you doing right now i'm at new parent orientation bird this place is so incredible
02:18especially the ld department isla is going to thrive here this is what i'm talking about
02:22i should be there with you guys helping the girls get situated partying with other dads and shit
02:27no it's okay really i got it and i'm missing it for this to be a stripper for rob low
02:31hey dosha
02:33leanne are you sure we met at drop off the other day no did you just get dissed by another
02:38mom yeah
02:38these bitches don't mess around i hate to say it honey but we might have to up our game if
02:43we want
02:43to fit in here up our game oh we are who we are and we have to embrace that if
02:48they don't like us for
02:49who we are then fuck them i don't know sometimes you gotta get along to get along honey but we
02:53gotta
02:53maintain our dignity right pretty boy you got one more shirt rip in you jesus christ this guy's
02:58insatiable yeah sure thing rob give me one second i'm just wrapping up all right i gotta go i love
03:02you yeah hello man thank you so much for coming up you crushed it of course dude happy to do
03:09it oh my
03:10god you are a funny funny man if you take that shirt off oh my god thank you how did
03:17you come up with
03:18it the shirt yeah yeah well i you know i i guess i'm more comfortable without a shirt why makes
03:31no
03:31sense right here's what i'm wondering what if you cut all the other stuff way down
03:38i mean the jokes the filler yeah i mean is it really necessary i mean it's it's really just
03:45a race to get the shirt off no and then a race again to put it back on so you
03:49can take it off again
03:50yeah i don't i don't know if i ever looked at it like that i mean i don't know why
03:54you're not
03:54busting that motherfucker off 20 times a show i don't i don't know if my whole set could be that
04:00could it not i mean that's what's got them rolling in their seats and you know why because
04:06it's universal shirtless fat guy i mean it transcends language transcends culture it's funny in china
04:15it's funny in indonesia it's funny in a random mud hut in mozambique yeah yeah that's true but i i
04:23think
04:24people are coming to see me for more than me just taking my shirt off maybe but i think you
04:30need
04:30to ask yourself would they still come if you didn't anyway food for thought
04:37to go
04:56to go
04:59leeeen
05:13All right, girls, come on, get your stuff, let's go.
05:16Hey, what the fuck's going on here?
05:18Where are you guys going?
05:19Uh, we have school.
05:20Oh, wow.
05:21I heard Rob Lowe treated you like a piece of meat.
05:24He didn't treat me like a...
05:26Who told you that?
05:27Mom.
05:28Well, I didn't say it in so many words.
05:30I think I used more of like a dancing monkey analogy.
05:32Thanks, hon.
05:33You're not so upset about that, are you?
05:35I'm not upset, but I'm just in my head about it.
05:37It's like, he flew me out, we had drinks, he laughed hysterically.
05:41He says I'm his favorite comedian, but I don't think he knows I do stand-up comedy.
05:45Hey, hey, hey, don't let Rob Lowe get in your head.
05:48But is that how people see me?
05:49Is that why they come to my shows?
05:51You know what?
05:51You're spinning out.
05:52You just need to get out of your head, take a break, focus on something else.
05:57Like what?
05:58I don't know, anything.
05:59Like you guys?
05:59No.
06:00I mean, yeah, sure.
06:01Yeah.
06:02Hang on, that does make sense.
06:04When you think about it, there's a lot going on in this house.
06:07New school and stuff.
06:08Well, I don't know if that's the specific.
06:10No, when you're right, you're right.
06:11It's a good point.
06:12Here's what I can do.
06:12Get more hands-on with the family, right?
06:14Dump all this manic energy on you guys.
06:16Oh, what?
06:17Yeah.
06:17Wait, why do you look hot?
06:19I told you I'm up in my game.
06:21We need to fit in at this school, okay?
06:24I'm going to get involved.
06:25We're going to make friends.
06:27We're all going to play nice.
06:28What's the fun in that?
06:30Do you want to learn how to read?
06:31Yeah, like ever.
06:34Wow.
06:34We're going there.
06:36I have a learning disability.
06:38Oh, here we go.
06:39And you guys are shaming me for it.
06:41What the actual...
06:42Hey, hey, hey.
06:43We got to tone that back and we got to go.
06:45We don't want to be late for drop-off.
06:46Hold on.
06:47Can I do it?
06:48Let us leave.
06:49Please, I need this.
06:50Okay, I've got it.
06:52Look, you're exhausted.
06:53No, I want to go.
06:55Oh, you don't want me to go.
06:57You guys didn't even wake me up.
06:58You were going without me regardless.
07:00You think I'm going to fuck it up, don't you?
07:02I just don't want to mess up a good thing, you know?
07:04It's like with any relationship.
07:05You leave with your pissed off and then once you get in,
07:07you slowly reveal the ugly side.
07:10On the ugly side?
07:11Obviously.
07:12Guys, guys, what are we talking about right now?
07:14This is fucking drop-off.
07:16How can I fuck up drop-off?
07:17I'm sure I can find a way.
07:18Yeah, you'll figure it out.
07:19Stop it.
07:20I'm going.
07:21I'm doing drop-off.
07:22I can do this.
07:23I will do this.
07:24Can I please do this?
07:26Please, can I do drop-off?
07:27No.
07:27Please, come on, come on, come on.
07:29I should drive at this point.
07:30Give me the keys.
07:32No, no.
07:34Are you fucking serious?
07:35Do I need a shirt?
07:36Yes.
07:37Yes.
07:37Yeah, you need a shirt.
07:42Oh, wow.
07:43This school is fucking nice.
07:45Isla, how much is tuition?
07:46Mom told me not to tell you, so I can't.
07:48Sorry.
07:49Should I follow this around?
07:51Yeah.
07:51Oh, cool.
07:52There's a black kid.
07:54Oh, all right.
07:56Do I get out or is this it?
07:57This is definitely it, Tash.
07:59Okay.
08:00I'm getting out.
08:11What's going on with her?
08:13Why is no one talking to her?
08:14Because she's a major loser and has no friends.
08:16Really?
08:17Mom didn't tell me about that.
08:19Oh, Mom.
08:20Bless her heart.
08:20She tries her best, but she doesn't have your fastball.
08:22No.
08:28The fuck?
08:33Who's this bitch?
08:36That's Kirsten Vandersal.
08:38Pretty much runs the joint.
08:41Miss Barkley, it's three years running.
08:43Sounds important.
08:45Who's the stud with her, 12 o'clock?
08:48Zach Hotchkiss.
08:50Model looks, but personality, total dead.
08:52Oh.
08:53They've been together since 6th grade.
08:54Hmm.
08:56Wow.
08:56Blowing right past her.
08:58Does anyone at this school know I'm her dad?
09:00Maybe I should take a lap.
09:01No, no.
09:02I don't think that'll move the needle at all.
09:04Is there any other dad here that's been on Kimmel 6 times?
09:07Look, obviously, I love your shit.
09:09I talk you up in every circle.
09:11But these kids, man, they live in a different world.
09:14Operate on different platforms.
09:15Okay.
09:16I'll call my agent.
09:17Get on a Twitch, get on a livestream, talk her up, make her popular.
09:20Bob's your uncle.
09:20It's not that easy.
09:21Even if you could get on one, you'd have no idea what you're doing.
09:24It's a whole different animal.
09:25Please.
09:25You don't think I can handle it?
09:26Hmm.
09:27Say I didn't warn you.
09:28Okay.
09:28Hey, have a great day.
09:29I love you.
09:30I love you!
09:31I fucking love you!
09:33I fucking love you!
09:36Drop off successful.
09:40The Nappy Boy Radio Podcast, live with your boy on TV.
09:48So have we started?
09:50Huh?
09:51Is this it?
09:52Is it streaming?
09:53Oh, yeah, for about 30 minutes now.
09:55For real?
09:56Oh, yeah.
09:56I appreciate you putting me on, man.
09:58You're really big over at Park Ridge Academy, where my daughter's at.
10:01Who's that?
10:02My daughter's just, we should probably talk a little bit about her.
10:04Oh, shit.
10:05I just got a text.
10:06Eighth grade, Georgia Chrysler.
10:07Hold on, hold on.
10:08Yep.
10:08Send him in.
10:09Hey, send him in.
10:10We got a guest coming in.
10:12Woo!
10:13Hey!
10:14What's up with my boy?
10:15Oh, my God.
10:16How you doing?
10:16How you doing?
10:17Absolutely.
10:18Yes, sir.
10:20Hey, man, y'all already know Pac-Man up in there, big for real, though.
10:23Smell me!
10:24Hell, yeah.
10:25Pac-Man, you know Park, right?
10:26Hell, yeah.
10:27How you doing?
10:27I'm a comedian.
10:28You know what I'm saying?
10:28Nice to meet you, brother.
10:29Big fan.
10:30I'm a huge fucking fan.
10:31You guys got kids?
10:34My daughter just transferred into Barclays, eighth grade.
10:37Cool.
10:37Remember those days?
10:38Good luck, my boy.
10:39Right.
10:40Walk right in there.
10:41Handjobs.
10:4113th and break.
10:44That's the way it starts.
10:45You know what I mean?
10:46I don't know about that.
10:47I don't know about that.
10:47Can we edit this?
10:49No, this is live.
10:50This is live.
10:50Just give me a second, because we got to switch gears.
10:52I got to ask him a question.
10:54Like, what's the shirt situation?
10:55God, it's so funny.
10:57I'm actually going through, like, a little bit of a questioning.
11:01I did a private party for Rob Lowe, and he just had me take my shirt off.
11:06Who the fuck is Rob Lowe?
11:08He's from St. Elmo's Fire?
11:09I have no idea who the fuck that is, but do not listen to fucking Rob Lowe.
11:13Don't listen to Rob Lowe.
11:14Yeah, fucking Corey Feldman told me to stop doing cocaine.
11:16You think I did that?
11:17No, the fuck you talking about?
11:18The fuck is wrong with you?
11:19Hey, but on the real, though, don't question that shit, bro.
11:22It's fucking gangsta.
11:23For real?
11:24Yes, bro.
11:25That's what I need to fucking hear.
11:26You ain't got no fucks to give.
11:28Zero fucks.
11:28No fucks.
11:29Zero game.
11:30No shirt game.
11:31I'm fucking fucking fucking kidding.
12:01Hi.
12:02Hi.
12:03Georgia, is it?
12:04Um, yeah.
12:06Kish and Vanderthal.
12:07This is Cameron, Lexi, and Fiona.
12:08Hi.
12:09Some hot gossip going around about you.
12:12Word is you've never given a handjob.
12:15What?
12:15What are you talking about?
12:17Where'd you hear that?
12:18Oh, my God.
12:20Wait, she doesn't know.
12:23Know what?
12:26Handjobs in the fuck.
12:28No, no, no, no, no.
12:31I don't think so, guys.
12:32That's too young.
12:33No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:34Joy to Christ, my daughter does not jerk dudes off.
12:37I can promise you that.
12:38If someone broke into our house and was having a gun in my head,
12:41they're like, I'm going to kill every motherfucker in here.
12:43Unless someone give me a handjob.
12:44We're dead.
12:51Wow.
12:52There's a lot of rules.
12:54What is this, Mein Kampf?
12:56I know, but it's so good for them.
12:58Especially Isla.
12:59They have this mindfulness mobility program
13:02where they teach them how to meditate.
13:04Isla?
13:05Yes.
13:05Meditate in complete silence.
13:07Yes.
13:07Good luck with that.
13:09You went on a live stream and said I've never given a handjob.
13:12Are you kidding me?
13:13Oh, boy.
13:14Well, you haven't.
13:16Have you?
13:16That's not the point.
13:17Baby, it was a joke.
13:18Yeah, I think as a comedian, he should be free to go there.
13:21Painter's got to paint.
13:22Thank you, Isla.
13:23Okay.
13:23Well, I hope it was worth it
13:24because Kirsten Vandertal and all her little friends
13:26are crushing me about it.
13:27A lot of my friends are laughing about it, too.
13:29Really?
13:29It's playing with the younger crowd?
13:31Fuck yeah.
13:31Nice.
13:32Well, no, Vandertal is in the Vandertal Foundation,
13:35the Vandertal Equestrian Center.
13:37Yes, yes, yes.
13:39My life is over, okay?
13:41You think any guy's going to want to talk to me now?
13:43Well, it's actually not the worst thing in the world
13:44if guys are looking elsewhere for handjobs.
13:46This is such bullshit.
13:47Kirsten posted to fuck with me,
13:48and now everyone's sharing it.
13:50Wow, wow.
13:51Thank you, Dad.
13:52Well, hang on.
13:53That's crossing a line.
13:54No, no.
13:55You crossed a line with your big, fat mouth.
13:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:00I think we're all crossing some lines here.
14:02No, babe, this is a clear violation
14:04of the school's cyberbullying policy.
14:06It says so right here in the handbook, hon.
14:08What do you think of, big man?
14:09How should we fuck with her?
14:10Start an online campaign
14:11and turn all her friends against her
14:12and trash her reputation?
14:13No, no.
14:14Papa Mom Steyers.
14:15I like that.
14:16No, he's done enough.
14:17I can find out where she lived
14:18and let's go TP your house.
14:19No, no, she's right.
14:20We've got to do something.
14:21Hila, stop encouraging him.
14:22Or, hey, hey.
14:24Maybe we just leave it alone.
14:26We don't want to rock the boat.
14:27The whole thing will probably just blow over.
14:29Since when has Bert Kreischer left anything alone?
14:31We're cutting his balls off here, guys.
14:33Hila.
14:33You don't even know what that means.
14:35So?
14:35Okay, listen.
14:36Please just stay out of it, okay?
14:38I'm begging you.
14:39The last time you got involved,
14:41you got us kicked out of the school.
14:43No, we didn't get kicked out.
14:44They asked us not to return.
14:46Very different.
14:46Well, after they threatened us
14:47with their lawyers and stuff.
14:48No, no, no, no.
14:49The family threatened us with lawyers.
14:51I remember.
14:51The school was totally fine.
14:52Not really.
14:52We had lawyers also.
14:53This is so, what?
14:55Make the call.
14:57They're obviously too emotional,
14:58but they're not thinking, clearly.
14:59Thank you, Hila.
15:00Wow.
15:00No, she's right.
15:01She's right.
15:02She's right.
15:02Yeah, she's right.
15:09I'm always right.
15:11You know what?
15:13We're going to play this one by the book.
15:15I'm going to call the school,
15:16get the principal, parents, kids,
15:18sit down,
15:19and we'll get that little shit
15:20to take that fucking post down.
15:21That's how we're doing it.
15:22No, no, no.
15:22Don't, actually.
15:22Hey, hey.
15:23You don't need to go in.
15:24Yeah, that's a pussy mess.
15:25No, that's not why I love it.
15:26Guys, they wrote the rules.
15:29All we're asking them to do is follow them.
15:34New science lab looks good, Miriam.
15:36Thanks to your generous donation.
15:38Oh, we feel beyond blessed
15:40to be able to give back
15:40in such a significant way.
15:42It's humbling.
15:43Oh, so humbling.
15:44And the tax write-off doesn't suck either.
15:46Oh, I bet.
15:48I totally do.
15:49I bet.
15:49Okay, let's get to it.
15:50I don't want to waste any more
15:51of Dr. Vanderthal's time.
15:53Yeah, we certainly don't want
15:54to delay someone's ass lift.
15:57He's joking.
16:00Well, thank you both for meeting with us.
16:03We wanted to talk to you
16:05because your daughter has maybe been
16:08approaching the line
16:09of what some might consider bullying.
16:12Might consider?
16:13Bullying?
16:15Please.
16:15Okay.
16:16Let's call it what it is.
16:17I mean, if we're okay with it.
16:18And not write some rule in the handbook
16:20that we're not going to enforce
16:21because then what are we saying then?
16:22Really, rules are just suggestions
16:24and we get to pick which ones
16:25we give a fuck about
16:26and don't give a fuck about
16:26because, lady, I cannot give a fuck
16:28way quicker than I can get you
16:29to give a fuck.
16:31I can assure you
16:32no one's okay with bullying,
16:34Mr. Kreischer.
16:34No, of course.
16:35No, he wasn't suggesting that.
16:36All I did was post a clip
16:37of my favorite comedian.
16:39Okay, how is that bullying?
16:40I'm having a hard time
16:41seeing that as well.
16:42Wait, I'm your favorite comedian?
16:43I was talking about T-Pain.
16:46T-Pain's not a comedian.
16:48Hold on, what are we doing here?
16:49This is a bullshit.
16:49I'm wondering if there might be
16:52some sort of a compromise here.
16:55Compromise?
16:55Yeah.
16:55On rules?
16:57That's the whole point of a rule.
16:58If we don't follow the rules,
16:59then what kind of message
17:00are we sending to our children
17:01that if you're white
17:02and you donate a library
17:03and a Pilates studio
17:04that your daughter gets to do
17:05whatever the fuck she wants?
17:08His jokes just kill me.
17:09Um, Miriam,
17:10I'm feeling a little triggered
17:12by all the money shaving.
17:13Yeah, it's pretty egregious.
17:15Is that a violation in the handbook?
17:16It might be.
17:17I'm starting to think
17:18I'm the only one that read
17:18the goddamn handbook.
17:20If I may,
17:21I think emotions are running
17:23a little hot
17:24and maybe we should take...
17:25Who the fuck's this guy?
17:26This is Dr. Jeff,
17:27our school therapist.
17:29Oh, sorry.
17:30He specializes in unhinged parents.
17:32Excuse me?
17:33What's up?
17:33Did you hear that?
17:34I missed it.
17:36The point is,
17:38your daughter has unintentionally,
17:41I'm sure,
17:42humiliated Georgia.
17:43Hmm.
17:44Well, actually,
17:45I think your husband
17:46might have beat her to it
17:47when he talked about her
17:48waxing knobs on a podcast.
17:50No, I said she had never
17:51waxed a knob.
17:52That's what I said.
17:53And that is what I do.
17:54I'm a comedian.
17:55Well, you're not much of one
17:57with your shirt on anyway.
17:59No, seriously,
18:00it's a great gimmick.
18:01You know, so much easier
18:02than relying on something silly
18:03like Talon.
18:04Yeah.
18:05Oh.
18:07You're trying to bully me now.
18:08Swing away, sister.
18:10You've never seen skin this thick.
18:11Well, that's for sure.
18:12Was that a fat joke?
18:13No, no, no, no.
18:14I'm sure she didn't mean it like that,
18:17did you, Kirsten?
18:17No.
18:18No, your mom's right.
18:19I mean,
18:20I was just being honest.
18:21You know,
18:22I've literally never seen skin
18:23that thick on a person before.
18:25Like,
18:26ever in my life.
18:27I'm sorry.
18:27You think that I am his mom?
18:29Oh, okay.
18:30I'm a little lost
18:31on what the issue is.
18:33It seems like Kirsten
18:34simply posted something
18:35she found amusing.
18:36I don't see any reason
18:37why she has to take it down.
18:38Okay.
18:39I think we're done here.
18:40Yeah, we're definitely done here.
18:42I feel like this could have been an email.
18:43Let's go, sweetie.
18:44Bye.
18:45They're just gonna leave?
18:46She's in that valet here.
18:47Yeah, great job, Dad.
18:48You really sold that.
18:49That was really good.
18:52Oh, Georgia.
18:53Georgia.
18:54Georgia.
18:56Georgia.
18:57You okay, Mr. Kreischer?
18:59Yeah.
19:00Gangbusters.
19:01It looked like
19:02Kirsten rattled you there a bit.
19:04Please.
19:04I don't get rattled
19:05by middle school girls, okay?
19:07Okay.
19:08Maybe I'm off.
19:09Yeah.
19:09But if I'm not,
19:12my door is always open.
19:13I'm cool.
19:14I'll start therapy at 50.
19:15Well,
19:16I don't think
19:17it would be
19:17a terrible idea for you.
19:26I don't think it would be
19:37So, how'd it go today, guys?
19:39Get Kirsten and take down that post?
19:41Not yet, Ilo.
19:42Not even close.
19:43He just made everything worse, actually.
19:45I haven't even been at the school,
19:46what, a week?
19:48And you've already managed
19:49to ruin my life.
19:50Twice.
19:50You think you're the only one hurting?
19:52They called me fat.
19:54They trashed my career.
19:55And they insinuated
19:56that your mother was, what,
19:57in your mid to late 70s?
19:58Yep.
19:59Something like that.
20:00Those animals.
20:02Look,
20:02I really think
20:03that we just need
20:04to drop it
20:05and try not to draw
20:06any more attention
20:07to ourselves.
20:08I am all for that.
20:09As soon as we get
20:10little Miss Vanderkunt
20:11to come to her senses.
20:13And if she doesn't,
20:14what then?
20:15You gonna call her down
20:15to the headmaster's office again
20:17to make more of a joke
20:18of yourself?
20:18Maybe.
20:19Maybe I will.
20:20You got some problems, dude.
20:22You need to talk to somebody.
20:24Work your shit out.
20:28They're all running
20:28to train on me
20:29in the principal's office
20:30and it's all led
20:31by this prick plastic surgeon.
20:33Dude,
20:33you ever see
20:34a plastic surgeon's wife?
20:35Holy fucking shit.
20:36What a cheat code.
20:37You go to fucking school
20:38so you can marry a four
20:39and turn her into an eight.
20:40You ever see a guy
20:41who has a passion project
20:42like a truck he works on?
20:43That's his wife.
20:44You know this guy
20:45who goes home
20:45and tinkers with her titties.
20:46There's not enough.
20:47Just a little more.
20:49And tight fucking lips.
20:50I guarantee you
20:51when she sucks his dick,
20:53tight lips,
20:53and a hallway
20:54of a throat.
20:55I think it's sad
20:58that she got
20:58that much work done.
21:00Because if you come
21:00in her face,
21:01there's no surprise.
21:02Just...
21:04No expression.
21:05I bet sex with him
21:05is like getting
21:06your ears pierced.
21:07You feel a little prick
21:08and it's over.
21:09What is she?
21:09Jerk him off like this?
21:12Just grab it
21:13and rub the top.
21:16Just staring at him
21:17with that dead thing.
21:20How can you tell
21:21if she consents during sex?
21:23She can't move
21:24her fucking face.
21:26Is it okay
21:26if I fuck you in the ass?
21:29Can I put a finger
21:30in your ass?
21:33I'm sitting
21:34in the principal's office
21:34with these two fucking cunts
21:36thinking,
21:36where's a school shooter
21:37when you need one?
21:38See ya.
21:39See ya.
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