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Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 06: Viewer DMs
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who finds what he can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy.
00:31Here at Family Guy, about every ten years or so,
00:33we do an episode called Viewer Mail,
00:35where we try out story ideas that fans have submitted in the mail.
00:39Lately, we've been getting a lot of DMs from fans asking what mail is,
00:43and also suggesting story ideas.
00:45Like this one from viewer Derek.
00:47It's usually dudes.
00:48Who writes,
00:49Didn't Chris used to wear an earring one time? Where'd it go?
00:52Well, Derek, thank you for your question.
00:54And as it happens, we have an answer for you.
00:56An answer in the form of three epic films crammed into six minutes.
01:00Enjoy!
01:06It all began in the land of Mordor.
01:09Forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts,
01:13Sauron created the one earring to rule them all.
01:16What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs that will someday cost Amazon Studios $2 billion just to
01:25get review bombed by racists.
01:27And also, this happened.
01:37Call of gardening.
01:38Modern shrubbery.
01:40Begin.
01:41Yeah.
01:41Awesome.
01:42I'm growing the crap out of this fruit.
01:44You have unlocked.
01:45Barley.
01:46Sweet.
01:47I'll share it with my neighbors,
01:48because hobbits are a friendly peaceful folk you could root for.
01:51Also, the last people who would ever go on an adventure.
01:54That's for sure.
01:56Frodo!
01:57I need you to go on an adventure.
01:59It's a very heterosexual quest with guys who call each other my dear a lot.
02:04Where's your season one earring?
02:06Hang on, Gandalf.
02:07I think I got it here somewhere.
02:09Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.
02:11Hmm.
02:12But it's the hole I was given in birth.
02:15Just, uh, just get that earring, please.
02:18Truth is, my hole doesn't get many visitors.
02:22How we doing on that earring?
02:24Here it is.
02:26Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil talk at me.
02:30And there's stuff on here about unlimited dark power.
02:33Ah.
02:34Go pack your underthings while I practice saying,
02:36you shall not pass in the mirror.
02:45Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Council of Elrond.
02:48A meeting that I called and then named after myself.
02:50Cool.
02:51If there's one thing that's awesome to show in a big action movie,
02:55it's meetings.
02:56Where are we on the agenda, by the way?
02:58And also, what's the Wi-Fi password?
03:00Just use Rivendell Public.
03:01Okay, is that what you're on?
03:03Don't worry about what I'm on.
03:04Use Rivendell Public.
03:05I feel like you're probably on a faster one.
03:07Look, we're here because Frodo has the one earring.
03:09And it must be destroyed by returning it from whence it came.
03:13Into the fires of Mount Doom.
03:15Yeah, Rivendell Public is super slow, man.
03:17Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo get there.
03:19I think we're all in agreement that one simply walks into Mordor.
03:23But aren't there...
03:24I like that reference, by the way.
03:25Aren't there giant eagles in Middle-earth?
03:28Can't Dandalf just fly me to Mordor on a giant eagle?
03:32Nah, you gotta walk.
03:32Hey, I like being part of this group, but I don't like that y'all put your backpacks on my
03:37lap.
03:38I'm not a chair.
03:39I'm...
03:40I'm kind of a chair.
03:49Thanks for escorting me to Mordor, everyone.
03:52You bet.
03:53And what's great is that since the soundtrack in these films is so forgettable, we can basically run any movie
03:58music we want here.
03:59Holiday Road
04:05Holiday Road
04:06Holiday Road
04:10Holiday Road
04:12Well, you're on your own from here.
04:14What?
04:15You're leaving, Viggo Mortensen?
04:17Yeah, sorry, I gotta go be in two more things and then no more things.
04:20I'll also have to leave, but not to go check in with my parole officer, if that's what you're wondering.
04:26Yeah, and my beard kinda got caught in the spokes. I think I have to unspool it all the way
04:30back to where we started.
04:32Ah, that's worse.
04:34And I can only poop in my own apartment in Los Lorien. Didn't know we were gonna be out this
04:38long.
04:41Oh, hey, I can tag along with you and the precious. I mean, that earring that I don't have big
04:46feelings about one way or the other.
04:48Friggin' great. So, how do we get there?
04:50Well, let's check the map.
04:52This, um, this map is not very detailed.
04:55Okay.
04:56No, seriously, why are there no roads? And I guess these three wavy lines are supposed to indicate a lake?
05:02I mean, there's really no detail on here. This is basically a child's menu. Who would be helped by this?
05:08Look, this is the map, okay? At least we know we go that way.
05:15Why is they playing the theme from Stripeses, my precious?
05:19It's just... it's just a joke from earlier.
05:23Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map.
05:26Alright, listen, I wanted to keep this a secret, but I do know a shortcut into Mordor.
05:31What? Where is it?
05:35You just go through that tunnel. See where it says giant spider hole?
05:40Is a giant spider in there?
05:42No, that's just some kids messing around.
05:53I'm this!
05:55Ah, frick.
05:58What the hell, man? You tried to get me killed!
06:01That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more chances, and then you can't be in my quest anymore.
06:14There it is! Mount Doom!
06:17Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there? This valley's full of trolls and orcs and...
06:21Oh God, Mork from Orcs!
06:24Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley!
06:27Don't be cruel to the Hobbit's crew!
06:30Fine girl, thank you very much.
06:31Oh-ho! Gandalf the Grey or Gandalf the Gay!
06:34Hey, watch where you put that staff, mister!
06:38Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
06:39I can't go on. I'm exhausted from all the riffing. Plus he did a gay voice, and that's not okay
06:46anymore.
06:46It's over, Gollum. We're not gonna make it. We're all alone and our path is blocked.
06:52And I forgot to turn on my step counter before we left the Shire. Perfect!
06:56We could probably estimate it.
06:57Oh, what? Using the map?
06:59Alright, if you're gonna keep being like this, I don't wanna be your quest buddy.
07:02Wait! Look!
07:07Where are all the Robin Williams's going?
07:09I wonder if maybe there are some private school kids somewhere not seizing the day.
07:13Oh, Sauron! My Sauron! Ho-ho!
07:14Okay, yeah, I think it's that.
07:18Should I watch these Hobbits who are probably coming to destroy me?
07:23Oh, Galadriel's showering!
07:30We finally made it!
07:32I know! And our faces and clothes are much dirtier than when we started, so that means the journey was
07:37lengthy and difficult.
07:46Oh, no!
07:48Oh, no! It's the one true Lord of the Earrings! Harrison Ford!
07:57Oh, no!
07:58Oh, no!
07:59Oh, no!
08:00Oh, no!
08:00Yes, Harrison!
08:01Throw it into the fire!
08:03That's the last thing Sauron wants, which is why he built the convenient land bridge to the fire!
08:09Then comes the earring when it's off of my plane!
08:13What?
08:13He's so stoned.
08:19It's done.
08:24Hey, so I kinda need to go die with the pressures. All I ask is that my death scene be
08:29accompanied by a piece of very dramatic film score.
08:38Oh, come on, man!
08:43Oh, come on, man!
09:02It's the first time we found Quahog in the first place. Funny story. The Griffon's pioneer ancestors actually traveled to
09:07Quahog on the Oregon Trail. The other way. Let's watch.
09:19good evening and welcome to channel 5 news oregon coming up moss and lots of it but first in summer
09:26trends there's an all-new race to be unjustifiably prejudiced against and it's called chinese man
09:33oregon sucks so bad for a state called the beaver state this place is a sausage fest i'm with
09:39pioneer chris having to pay for everything in otter pelts is a hassle also the megs keep dying
09:47you you're the inside meg now the rest of you come bury your sister very shallowly you know i hear
09:53tell of a majestic territory somewhere out yonder called quahog rhode island oh i've heard the same
10:01they say there's a whole small world out east with minimal land just ripe for the taking why it's the
10:07american destiny manifest retreat now oregon's not so bad guys what about the micro bruise
10:15silly beer we're staying in oregon and finally tonight in sports hope is high for oregon's
10:22premier athlete steve pre pre pre pre fontaine we're leaving
10:33ah the journey begins and we've already lost a meg to dysentery please just don't put the cause of
10:41death on my tombstone nah people need to know you died gross explosive feels like an unnecessary detail
10:53how's the oregon trail going for everyone so far huh are we having a good oregon trail let me know
11:00when you need snacks brian does this stewie want to kill lois uh i don't know yeah i'm not really
11:06sure what the rules are i think i'm just gonna kind of lay low until this one finishes oh no
11:11we
11:11weren't counting on this river but is there some way around it i don't know maybe we could check the
11:16map oh yeah let's check the very helpful map chris hey guys while you've been bickering we lost another
11:22three megs i mean i guess we could use the dead megs as a raft and float across the river
11:29i'm being
11:30facetious of course i don't think we should use the men one meg raft later
11:40we're lost what are we gonna do hey i think chris is starting to lose it he's over there hosting
11:45a
11:45real housewives reunion with snowmen okay let her talk we're gonna let her talk and then we're gonna
11:51hear what you're trying to say we're in real trouble guys if we don't find a way off this mountain
11:56like
11:56now we're gonna die up here all right give me one second i'm gonna go pray on this because human
12:00brains are stupid back now god it's me peter griffin's pioneer ancestor my family is lost and
12:11we need your help please send an angel who will deliver us to safety in rhode island god if you
12:17do
12:17this for us i promise to stop kicking over grave markers i see on the side of the trail amen
12:22peter
12:26oh boy okay god if you could just send one more angel look i'm putting the gun down
12:31and maybe he could come out in front of me where it's not a surprise hey hey man look just
12:38be cool
12:38all right i'm just gonna do a pioneer miracle for you and your family all right nobody else needs to
12:44get hurt you already shot jerry oh he had a name now i feel worse he didn't have a family
12:50though right
12:50angels don't have families let's just do this
13:02there that's quahog rhode island sweet hey guys come on i found quahog all by myself
13:1210 points for peter griffin that puts griffin at 620 points total a new oregon trail record
13:24well family we made it and with just one meg to spare welcome home everyone
13:29peter doesn't this house belong to someone else not for long hey guys you had a thousand years to
13:36invent guns and you didn't so sorry i know i know this sucks but all of america did this so
13:44it's not
13:45just me so it's okay ah terrific let's never teach about that in our schools oh that's kind of a
13:51sad
13:51ending for native americans that's not so bad in 200 years what's left of the doobie brothers is
13:57gonna play at their casino well it's good to finally be settled in new england yeah but you better get
14:02going why because the only profession in 19th century new england is being soaking wet on a whaling boat
14:11it is a whale that's not the one specific whale that made me angry a few years back
14:17oh god new england stinks until tom brady
14:25welcome back the dms from viewers are still rolling in javier writes hey guys since the
14:31cleveland show was such a big success i wonder if you've considered giving quagmire a show of his own
14:36well javier big success might be overly charitable but as it happens quagmire actually did have his
14:42very own variety show back in the 1960s we've tracked down the only existing episode let's check it out
14:51hey gang i'm glenn quagmire and this is the giggity good time hour let's open the show as we always
14:57do by
14:57totally ruining a current song this one has got some very large boobies that one has got a very nice
15:07can they all are dancing very close to me that's why i say giggity
15:18thanks hon keep them coming till the 70s get here whoa how'd you all get in my house
15:25the implication being that i've had so much to drink i don't know where i am but no i i
15:29don't i
15:30don't have a pricking problem a drinker problem
15:40oh we got a great show for you tonight now stay tuned while i vamp with this piece of on
15:45-set
15:45furniture and that somehow counts as entertainment
15:50have you ever seen such furniture oh boy we are having a wild time tonight
15:58hey won't somebody help me with this crazy couch
16:03you're watching the glenn quagmire giggity good time hour with special guests orson wells
16:08tiny text the little person cowboy the giggity good time gals
16:13and the winner of the man booker prize for narrative non-fiction professor sherrod
16:17fineblatt of cornell university brought to you by dupont chemical dupont thank god you can't google us
16:24yet
16:28thanks doll this is almost it for me just 18 more okay because i drink so much 18 drinks
16:35feels like not that many drinks stop saying the premise of a joke you just said just tell the joke
16:40up somebody's at the giggity good time door i'm sure it's not something wild and outrageous
16:48what oh this is the last thing i expected to see
16:51they just keep coming oh look at all this
17:00this is the wild hey freaking easy buddy idiots
17:04oh so many bad people noise equals fun what could possibly be zanier
17:12we hope you're enjoying the glenn quagmire giggity good time hour sponsored by housewife screaming bags
17:19we know you're frustrated ladies scream into this bag and now here's glenn with the only reasonably
17:25attractive zookeeper in the western hemisphere now who's this guy this is chloe she's seven years
17:31old and don't worry she only panics around cigarette smoke and hair tonic oh boy this reminds me of my
17:38weekend at lake george with ava gardner go to break take it away smoky the sock puppet the glenn
17:44quagmire giggity good time hour we'll be back in just a minute no ifs ands or buts
17:57and we're back with the lovely dr sharon feinblatt here to talk about her new book
18:01now what is it sharon it's called days of disorder weimar germany and the birth of modernity
18:07fascinating get up and give us a little spin would you uh um what now i'm just joshing please go
18:14on
18:15while i bite my fist in a caricature of sexual longing so um my book posits that on its own
18:21merits
18:21weimar germany was a fascinating laboratory of cultural innovation great and can you share some
18:27of the recipes from the book excuse me the joke being that if a woman wrote a book in these
18:32times
18:33it's obviously a cookbook you're doing it again this was a mistake i am leaving yeah and you should
18:38see a doctor about your sweating it's a real problem oh come on you haven't even danced in the giant
18:43bird cage yet uh please uh please give dr feinblatt a big hand while i scream at an off-screen
18:48producer who booked that person no no roy you can't just show me a picture and i say yes and
18:55then you
18:55don't tell me what she's about roy do your job roy stay tuned for more of the glenn quagmire giggity
19:00good time hour brought to you by milk at dinner it's still the 60s so wash down your dinner with
19:06a big
19:06glass of milk like a psychopath mr quagmire dr dentist orson wells will see you now my god i
19:17played king lear in the west end yeah well i'd like to lear at her west end
19:25hey guys guys not this one okay this is my niece she's in this sketch as a favor to my
19:30brother
19:31all right go ahead denise i brought the patient's bill can you imagine oh this will be so expensive
19:40oh my god it just keeps going oh have you ever oh it's just the craziest well ladies and gentlemen
19:47our time is up and not just our time for this episode the entire 1960s have concluded and the
19:5270s will have no time for this so for now how drippy can one guy be three pints of moisture
20:01on me
20:02and you're asking i bet why is he looking so wet these lights are very hot ladies and gentlemen
20:09good night thanks for watching the glenn quagmire giggity good time hour brought to you by stepson
20:15beating belts he's not your son but he'll do what you say with stepson beating belts
20:23well we've had a good time tonight but as you can see our bow ties are now undone and our
20:28shirt
20:28collars are open which indicates the end of a long crazy night i said stop doing that thanks to
20:33everyone who sent in dms and to any female fans who got direct responses from me last night i was
20:38hacked
20:39we hope you enjoyed the show and what who could possibly be knocking at the stewie griffin super fun
20:45door oh this better not be something crazy what a delightful surprise oh my goodness they just keep
20:53coming and coming and coming oh there's so many of them have you ever been so entertained
20:58oh
20:59oh
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