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Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 07: Scent of a Woman
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who calls what he can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:36Hey, did you think any more about how you want to celebrate your birthday?
00:40It's coming up quick.
00:41Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors-themed sleepover could be fun.
00:45Why do you always like the worst version of everything?
00:48That is not true.
00:50Ooh, I'll be right back.
00:51I forgot I'm out of Tom's of West Virginia toothpaste.
00:53Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth.
00:56Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort's got in here.
01:00One musketeer, bubble yuck, oi Henry, almond content but not quite joy.
01:06Forget that. Check this out.
01:07I can tell you exactly which ailment each of these people in line has.
01:11What? How can you do that?
01:12It's a known fact. Dogs can smell all kinds of different medical conditions.
01:16Watch. She has diabetes. He has migraines.
01:20And that guy's got, um, that thing. What's the thing that Magic Johnson has? AIDS?
01:26Yeah, that.
01:27You forgot about AIDS? It was never a dog thing.
01:35Now there's always one who shows up in their pajamas cause they don't want to change in a strange house.
01:40It's four o'clock, dear. You gotta ruin those slippers walking from the car.
01:44I don't care.
01:46You guys all know Patty, Ruth, and Esther. And since we're a modern teenage friend group, here's our gender neutral
01:52friend Devin.
01:53Lois, what's with that kid? Every piece of clothing's saying something different.
01:57Peter, be nice. You can't freak out like this.
02:00Don't worry. I can be subtle.
02:01What are you? Declare yourself!
02:03Why don't you just go to the garage and mutter while kicking stuff?
02:07Stupid world's passing me by. Everyone needs to be something.
02:11How does anything make sense if everybody's everything?
02:19Ew, Dad. What are you doing?
02:21Sorry, Meg. All dads are required to walk shirtless through any teen party while they drink a canned beverage that
02:27was discontinued in the 90s.
02:28Sip of Surge, anyone? Devin, sip of Surge?
02:31Well, can you please leave? We're about to play Truth or Dare.
02:34Truth or Dare? Is that that game where you hide and go seek?
02:38No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty or do something crazy that people make up.
02:43I went with my version.
02:45But how about I play with you?
02:47Um, sure, Dad. I dare you to get the hell out of here.
02:50Uh, on it.
02:53Check it out, Lois. I'm playing Truth or Dare with Meg.
02:57You're really not, Peter. But hey, I'll play Truth or Dare with you. After all, we've never played together.
03:03Really? Okay, I picked Dare.
03:06All right. Um, I dare you to lick the Swanson's mailbox.
03:14Watch me!
03:21Dammit, if he gets my TV Guide Soggy, I'm gonna be furious.
03:24You still get TV Guide?
03:26There's still TV!
03:30Okay, okay, your turn.
03:31All right. Truth.
03:33Okay, let's see. Um, how many men have you slept with in your lifetime?
03:38Dare.
03:38What? You can't just change.
03:40Peter, it's my right to choose from the two options and I choose Dare.
03:44Ah, it's no big deal. I'll tell you my number.
03:46I'll admit, I was a bit of a Lothario back in my day.
03:49I slept with two whole women. Seven if you count finishing during long hugs.
03:53Peter, I'm not answering.
03:55Come on, it's fine. Just say the number.
03:57Keep it in mind that any number other than zero will send me into a ten-year spiral.
04:01This conversation is over. I'm going to bed.
04:03No, not till this is settled. I mean, now it's a safety issue.
04:07I gotta know if I need to wear this old-timey scuba helmet
04:10before I give you the Michael Douglas special.
04:16Somebody grab the Ouija board.
04:17I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he really killed himself.
04:21Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper?
04:25Headline reads, Chewy defeats Chewman.
04:27No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross toy. Please leave.
04:30Fine.
04:35Not gonna leave completely empty-handed.
04:38You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is coming through.
04:41Hey, how old are you, ladies?
04:48It's him!
04:56Hmm, yeah, that's good chewing.
04:58And this, Emma, is where the magic happens.
05:01I thought you lived alone.
05:03Nice going, Brian.
05:05Do you know how hard it was to go from being duct taped to my seat to bringing her home?
05:08What are you even doing?
05:10Kinda just chewing and sniffing Patty's bra.
05:12Ugh, creepy.
05:13It's not creepy.
05:14I'm a dog.
05:14If I don't chew something every 40 minutes, I go frickin' crazy.
05:18Oh, my God.
05:20That's not good.
05:21What?
05:21I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty's bra.
05:24I think Patty may have breast cancer.
05:26What?
05:27First Celine Dion gets stiff person syndrome, and now this?
05:31It's so damn unfair!
05:32I calm down.
05:33No, Brian.
05:34I'm still processing stiff person syndrome,
05:36which is definitely a real thing and not a way of getting out of Vegas shows that your agent husband
05:40roped you into.
05:41I think we're getting off track.
05:43Maybe.
05:43But if Patty has breast cancer, you have to tell Meg right away.
05:46I can't do that.
05:47Then she'll know I took the bra.
05:49You need to tell her, Brian.
05:50Even though it's hard to break bad news.
05:52And I should know.
05:53I used to be a department store spokesperson.
05:55As of today, Macy's is closing 100 of its stores.
05:59So to be clear, that's 100 places you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a day's notice.
06:04Everyone is going to have to start thinking about their funerals at least two days before.
06:07But where else can shoppers get nice watches that aren't actually nice?
06:11Or take a dump in the mall without having to buy something?
06:14Well, I suppose those will both have to be done at Nordstrom.
06:16After all, Nordstrom is a thriving business that...
06:19Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.
06:22Okay, gang.
06:22This is just a bawdy blow of a day.
06:29Uh, hey Meg.
06:30How was the sleepover?
06:32Good.
06:32The Ouija board really came to life.
06:34Some guy named Rene said to stop making fun of his wife and that stiff person syndrome is a real
06:39thing.
06:39Listen, there's something important I need to tell you.
06:43Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew and sniff and...
06:46I think Patty may have breast cancer.
06:49Oh my God.
06:50Oh, I've got to call her right away.
06:52I mean she's...
06:52Wait a minute.
06:53Patty left here fully dressed.
06:55Let me see that bra.
06:56Do you have it?
06:59Brian, that's my bra.
07:02Oh, cool.
07:02We taking our bras off?
07:05The girls are out to play.
07:08Well, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ.
07:12They don't open till 11 and the Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.
07:21I...
07:22Look, I know this must be stressful.
07:24You sure you don't want to tell Lois about the breast cancer?
07:26No.
07:27I don't want to worry her until I know for sure.
07:29Well, what about telling Peter?
07:31I actually tried.
07:32But he was super distracted because he got one of those dollies that mechanics use to slide under cars.
07:37Dad, there's something important I need.
07:39What is it, Meg?
07:39I'm very busy de-bogeymanning the bed.
07:42Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon.
07:44They don't like cinnamon.
07:45I'm not sure that's gonna work.
07:46Well, that's a very vertical opinion.
07:48I've seen Monsters, Inc. and Monsters University.
07:51I think I know what I'm doing.
07:54Siri, what's another word for jugs?
07:57Breasts.
07:57I understand you may have breasts cancer.
08:00Well, that's what we want to find out.
08:02Hmm.
08:03But you seem young and healthy.
08:04What brought you in?
08:05My dog smelled cancer on my bra.
08:07Oh, a dog smelled it?
08:09They're like never wrong.
08:10We've actually got three of them on staff here.
08:12This guy graduated from Muttgers.
08:14This one from UC Berkeley.
08:16And she went to Bitchigan State.
08:18I'm kidding.
08:19They all went to Texas Christian.
08:20But they're smart.
08:21They're good.
08:22Gur-do is another one.
08:23But what's Meg's prognosis?
08:24We'll wait for her test results as a formality.
08:27But if a dog smelled cancer on her, I'm not optimistic.
08:30Meg, if you have anything on your bucket list, this could be the time.
08:33Are you saying I'm dying?
08:35Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the room?
08:38Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse to leave any room.
08:41Oh, please excuse me.
08:42My phone has diarrhea.
08:48You guys are not gonna believe this.
08:50Lois and I played Truth or Daddy the other night.
08:52But when I asked her how many guys she's had sex with, she wouldn't answer.
08:55I gotta know.
08:56It's driving me crazy.
08:57Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one man, and you're looking at him.
09:01You sure about that?
09:02Yeah, she got chlamydia from a toilet seat.
09:04We talked about it, then the toilet seat sent her flowers because it felt bad.
09:07Open and shut case.
09:14So, is a cancer diagnosis a radio-on or a radio-off situation?
09:20You can turn it on.
09:25Maybe we'll just go without.
09:26You know, part of me's like, I should probably tell Mom and Dad about this, but another part of me's
09:31like, why bother?
09:32I mean, no one in this family even cares about me, anyway.
09:35Come on, I'm here for you, Meg.
09:37We just gotta come up with some way to get your mind off this.
09:40Maybe Dr. Hartman was right.
09:41Is there a bucket list item you've always wanted to do, but you never had the chance?
09:45I don't know.
09:46Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit. No dream is too big.
09:49Anything?
09:49Anything.
09:52Well...
09:53I've always wanted to pig out on Garbage Can Nachos at Chad's Inferno's restaurant in Orlando.
09:58That... that's it?
10:00Yeah, we... we can do that.
10:02Really?
10:03Would we need to contact Make-A-Wish?
10:04Like, how would we even do that?
10:06I think just go there and order them.
10:08Well, can we go right now?
10:10Absolutely. Let's do it.
10:12Talk to me, tell me your side.
10:16You're switching sides like a Gemini.
10:19You're playing games and now you're hitting my heart like a drum.
10:23Yeah, baby.
10:25Well, if lady luck gets on my side, we're gonna rock this town alive.
10:32I'll let her rub me up until she knocks me out.
10:35Cause she walks like she talks like she talks like she talks like she bangs.
10:39She bangs, she bangs.
10:41Oh, baby, when she moves...
10:43Look at that. Atlanta, 20 miles.
10:45You know, they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world.
10:49Okay.
10:50They say NBA players fly in from all over to go to these clubs.
10:54And they can go anywhere. Like Shaquille O'Neal goes to these clubs.
10:57It's been documented in court filings.
10:59And if I'm not mistaken, the Raptors are in town playing the Hawks tonight.
11:02See, Brian? You're the only one who ever pays attention to what I care about.
11:06Let's do it!
11:07Plus, you've got cancer, so you can eat whatever you want.
11:10We don't even have to look at the strippers. They got big trays of ziti in there.
11:20I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine so I can support the strippers.
11:25Ow! What are you doing?
11:26Come on! I'm making it hail!
11:29Damn it! Knock it off!
11:30Hey, that one's a bicentennial.
11:32What? I'm gonna need that back.
11:38Where's Meg and Brian?
11:40I don't know, but he just posted a close-up photo of a big tray of strip clubs, ziti.
11:44And he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they're fine.
11:47Okay, good. They're eating. Then we don't have to wait.
11:50Chris, can you please pass the peas and ask your mother how many peas she's had in her mouth?
11:56Peter, that's enough.
11:57Chris, can you also ask your mother to pass the chicken and then ask her if the number of people
12:02she's slept with
12:03is more or less than the number of herbs and spices in the colonel's secret recipe?
12:07Slow down. I can't keep track of all the foods you want passed.
12:10Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.
12:17Okay, this is us. Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place.
12:20Are you kidding? I recognize the guy who checked us in from Intervention.
12:24Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee pot, so I'm gonna go see if I can swap that out.
12:30Hello? Dr. Hartman?
12:32Hi Meg. You're gonna hear things in the background of this call that make you think I'm at a Dave
12:36& Buster's.
12:37I assure you, I am not at a Dave & Buster's.
12:40What a shot!
12:41We're doing COVID boosters.
12:43Are you calling with my test results?
12:45Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
12:46Long distance!
12:47Ignore that. That's just a medical device.
12:49Oh, my God. Do I have cancer?
12:51Yes!
12:52Oh, no.
12:53Sorry, what?
12:54I have cancer?
12:55Oh, no. No cancer. Your tests all came back negative.
12:58Oh, thank God. What a relief.
12:59Do you not have any paper menus? It's only a QR code.
13:03Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.
13:05Yeah, yeah. Mazel Tov. I just want mozzarella sticks. Why are you making this so hard?
13:11Brian, I have great news to tell you.
13:12Perfect. Thanks again.
13:14I actually have great news too, Meg.
13:16Get this. I managed to get your story to Chaz Inferno himself.
13:19And not only is he gonna personally make you garbage can nachos,
13:23he's also giving us a $35 dine-in credit,
13:26and he's gonna cut your hair and frost your tips tableside.
13:29What? That's amazing!
13:31And what's your good news?
13:33Oh, um, Brian, look at this plaque.
13:36It's a historic room.
13:38Someone from Girls Gone Wild died in here.
13:40Oh, I remember her.
13:41She didn't want to go wild, but then her friend told her to, so she did.
13:45Whoa.
13:46Yeah. She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.
13:59Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.
14:02Don't know if they told you up front, but in here,
14:04you're not allowed to not wear Oakley's on the back of your head.
14:07Sweet.
14:08I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet a man
14:11who's never driven a car with a roof.
14:13Before we make these nachos, how about we cut that hair and frost those tips?
14:18Whoa. Your hair is so hard.
14:20And it's super hot, I can't tell if you're 30 or 60.
14:24Oh, good thing we're doing this first, so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.
14:27Eh, there's tons in there already.
14:29Oh, right on.
14:34All right, Lois, we're just gonna do this one by one.
14:36Did you sleep with Arthur Aronson?
14:39Peter, come on.
14:40Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?
14:43Look, I thought we were past this.
14:45You still gotta finish our Truth or Dare game.
14:47I licked Joe's mailbox, but you never took your turn.
14:50Okay, fine, I'll finish the game.
14:52But I'm only doing a dare.
14:54Okay, dare, huh?
14:56Then I dare you to roll a blade off the Swanson's roof and into their pool.
15:00And that'll finally shut you up?
15:02Yep.
15:09Oh, God, it's higher up here than it looks.
15:11You chose dare.
15:12This is the dare.
15:14Peter, stop doing Truth or Dare stuff to my house.
15:17This doesn't concern you, Joe.
15:18I feel very unsafe.
15:20That's it, I'm calling the cops.
15:24Hello.
15:25There's a woman on my roof.
15:26Sir, I can't really help you right now.
15:28I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.
15:32I'm going, Peter!
15:38Oh, my God!
15:39Ah, damn it!
15:41Oh, it hurts so much!
15:42Oh, God!
15:43Oh, your leg hurts.
15:45What's that like?
15:49Well, we almost polished off those garbage can nachos.
15:52Dirt?
15:53Mmm, no thanks.
15:54I'll have a little dirt.
15:58Oh, feels like those nachos are making a run for the border.
16:01I better hit the bathroom stat.
16:03Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food?
16:05Definitely.
16:06Nachos travel great.
16:13Hello?
16:14Dr. Hartman?
16:14It's Brian.
16:15Are you calling with Meg's test results?
16:17What?
16:17No, I told Meg yesterday her results were negative.
16:20I was just calling to see why she hasn't given me a Yelp review yet.
16:23Yesterday?
16:24Oh, and can you do me a favor and put my name in Meg's phone as The Hammer?
16:28I'm trying to get that going.
16:29No, I'm not doing that.
16:30Okay, hammer out.
16:33Why wouldn't Meg have told me?
16:39Meg?
16:39It's Brian.
16:40Is there something you want to tell me?
16:43Ugh, yeah.
16:45There's an adult changing station in here, and the weight limit is 500 pounds.
16:51I just talked to Dr. Hartman.
16:52Oh, The Hammer?
16:54He's gonna be psyched you said that, but he told me he called you yesterday with your negative test results.
16:58Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away from being able to have this conversation.
17:03Meg, you lied to me.
17:05I was super worried, and I thought you were gonna die, and you took advantage of me.
17:08Why would you do that?
17:11I guess I just saw a chance to live out one of my dreams and realized it might never happen
17:16again.
17:16I can't believe how selfish that is.
17:18You know what?
17:19As far as I'm concerned, you can find your own ride home.
17:22Are you the one in the Prius?
17:23Yes.
17:24Why?
17:24Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some terrible things to your car.
17:28You're not Jewish, are you?
17:30No.
17:30Okay, then they got some of it wrong.
17:37Oh, Lois, you're awake.
17:40By the way, this lighting makes you look old.
17:42Did I break my leg?
17:45Yes, and it's all my fault.
17:47I should never have hounded you so much.
17:49Lois, we've logged a lot of miles together.
17:52We've raised a family, and you're my life partner.
17:55I don't need to know how many guys you've been with.
17:57The fact is, I love you more than any number.
18:02It's okay, Peter.
18:03I want to tell you.
18:04I don't want any secrets between us.
18:07The number is 60.
18:09Whoa.
18:10Okay.
18:11A little higher than what I thought it would be,
18:13but I guess 16 ain't so bad.
18:15No, no, Peter.
18:1660.
18:176-0.
18:22We've got a code orange!
18:23What's that?
18:24It's when a husband finds out his wife has slept with way more guys than he thought.
18:28She's a 60.
18:29Holy crap, that's like all the presidents for 250 years,
18:32plus a softball team and a half.
18:34I'm sure glad they covered this at Texas Christian.
18:58How'd you get ahead of me?
18:59A trucker picked me up.
19:01He asked for ass, gas, or grass, so I gave him ass gas, and he got mad and tossed me.
19:06This is why I always say commas matter.
19:09Get in.
19:11I still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.
19:16What?
19:16What are you talking about?
19:18Brian, when I said one of my dreams, I wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's.
19:22I was talking about, for the first time ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking
19:29me,
19:30or farting in my face, or telling me I'm ugly.
19:33I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this amazing trip we've been having to last a little
19:38longer.
19:39You know what?
19:40I've had a really good time with you too, Meg.
19:43And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said I might die,
19:46all I could think about was spending the rest of my life with someone who really loves and cares about
19:50me.
19:51And that was you.
19:53Of course, Meg.
19:54We're family.
20:00But wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer?
20:03Yeah, you know, I was thinking about that.
20:05Maybe because I buy all my undergarments at thrift stores?
20:08Ew, bro, you gotta wash them Johns.
20:10Hey, is that... is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?
20:13It is!
20:16Dad, what are you doing?
20:17I blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida.
20:21I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had 60 men.
20:30We now return to 60 Minutes.
20:32I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 from this house.
20:35Are you still upset about this?
20:38I told you one of them was just so I could get cast in Shakespeare in Love.
20:42That doesn't help.
20:43Well, what if I said you were bigger than all of them?
20:46Huh? Would that help?
20:47Actually, yes.
20:49Lois, truth or dare, of all the guys you've been with, am I the biggest?
20:53Definitely, Peter.
20:59Marriage! Just lie, it's not that big a deal.
21:25Tonight is really tough.
21:26Well, for everyone, nothing.
21:30Anyway, one of them doesn't help, you will never get everything.
21:30I'm soul ì–´ë–¤BERT 혼ющÃas, isn't that what?
21:31I believe that they do have to do with your estranged sides.
21:31Thank you, Leung, what?
21:33This is the godAhP in Loveri, in You, we have to do it.
21:33Let's go for coordination, everybody, everybody.
21:34Oh, please, bear inavambalwide.
21:35To be able to sleep.
21:36After all time, let's jump in.
21:37You
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