- 13 hours ago
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00:00:01Flu epidemic at peak, paper, thousands away from work, paper...
00:00:09Just a minute, what's your trouble?
00:00:11Boom, and his mudguard smashed against my arm, like this!
00:00:13Constable, this is really important, of national importance!
00:00:16Now, just a moment, please. You said you're right, Henry.
00:00:18You were walking with your back to the car.
00:00:19Oh, what if I was?
00:00:20Well, you shouldn't have been. Always face the oncoming...
00:00:21It was dangerous driving just the same, and I'd like to report that...
00:00:24Suggestion!
00:00:25Oh, just a minute, all of you!
00:00:27Six down was flu now. Difficult days, eh, Sergeant?
00:00:31Yes, sir. Very difficult for some of us.
00:00:33What do you mean, some of us? It's difficult for all of us, isn't it?
00:00:36Well, for those of us who have to carry on, sir.
00:00:39Those of us who have to carry on?
00:00:40It can't be difficult for those who have flu. They're in bed in the section house.
00:00:44I don't get your meaning, Sergeant.
00:00:45All I'm saying is that these are difficult times for those of us who have flu.
00:00:50Now, you said these are difficult times for those of us who haven't got flu.
00:00:54Oh, yes, you're right. All right, I'm sorry. Anyway, look, there's too much arguing goes on here, and it's bad
00:00:58for discipline.
00:00:59And discipline has been bad in the station lately. Now, I've warned you once, haven't I? I shan't warn you
00:01:03again.
00:01:04Yes, sir. This time it's final. Again.
00:01:09Would you care to have a look at Marsha Bunkin?
00:01:12If it'll give you any satisfaction.
00:01:16That's him with her three stripes up. For her.
00:01:19What about that plain one there?
00:01:20What, the copper? Well, I'm hoping that's, you know, the opposite of what the other one was.
00:01:25Haven't got much room, have they?
00:01:27Oh, they don't need much room, you know, for... Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer them to a garden pond.
00:01:33Oh, who's gonna dig that for you, sir?
00:01:35I am. I see.
00:01:36Hard work never hurt anyone, Wilkie.
00:01:38Yes, I feel very well myself.
00:01:39Yeah, you surprise me.
00:01:41Anyway, look, let's see that my orders, concisely given, are smartly carried out.
00:01:45Yes, sir.
00:01:46Well, go on, what are you waiting for?
00:01:48You haven't given me an order yet, sir.
00:01:50What?
00:01:51You asked me to come and see you about the replacement, sir?
00:01:53I did?
00:01:54On account of the flu epidemic, sir.
00:01:56Oh, yes, all right, all right. You thought I'd forgotten it, didn't you?
00:02:02Three temporary replacements.
00:02:04Three?
00:02:05From the police school.
00:02:07Anyway, chase them, show them what discipline is.
00:02:09I mean, after all, these men are volunteers.
00:02:11You've only got to start giving them half a rousing and a hand in their notice.
00:02:14Oh, don't argue. Get on with it.
00:02:16But remember my warning.
00:02:17If there's not a change around here, I am going to ask for you to be transferred.
00:02:22Yes, sir.
00:02:23Thank you very much, sir.
00:02:26Paul, if I was...
00:02:27Well, you shouldn't have been.
00:02:28I just faced the oncoming traffic.
00:02:29It was dangerous driving just the same, and I want to report that...
00:02:31Certition!
00:02:33Well, Sergeant Moon, what's happening?
00:02:36Threatened to transfer you, has he?
00:02:38Oh, that crafty little...
00:02:40If you weren't a lady, I'd say it.
00:02:42If you weren't a gentleman, I'd expect you to.
00:02:44What a marvellous technique he's got.
00:02:46Shove all the work onto the sergeant.
00:02:48Then when it looks like the sergeant's gonna get credit for it,
00:02:50chase the sergeant from ear holes to breakfast time,
00:02:53panic him into making a mistake, moan to HQ, and bingo.
00:02:56The sergeant's transferred.
00:02:57Sergeant Wilkins, can you lend me a hand here, please?
00:02:59Come in.
00:03:00Excuse me.
00:03:01Look, all I want is my provisional driving licence.
00:03:03Post office.
00:03:04About time we had a few purges in this country.
00:03:06I was here before him.
00:03:08It's my neighbour's radio.
00:03:09And before him?
00:03:10He played it too loud, driving me crackers.
00:03:12What can I do?
00:03:13Move.
00:03:14Next.
00:03:14Stick it, Thurston.
00:03:15Relief's on the way.
00:03:16Replacement, Sergeant?
00:03:17Three.
00:03:18Three keen, alert, helpful, raring-to-go constables.
00:03:22I hope.
00:03:34Hurry up.
00:03:35It's nearly closing time.
00:03:37Good afternoon.
00:03:38Good afternoon.
00:03:46Just a moment.
00:03:48Could you possibly direct me to the police station?
00:03:51Certainly.
00:03:52Er, just cross over and it's up there on the left.
00:03:54Oh, thanks awfully.
00:03:55I'm new round here.
00:03:57So sorry to have delayed you.
00:03:58Well, that's quite all right.
00:04:04Any luck?
00:04:05Round there.
00:04:06Thank goodness for that.
00:04:07All this tramping about.
00:04:08My feet are killing me.
00:04:10Oh, what a nice fellow.
00:04:12He said it's this way.
00:04:17Now what?
00:04:18A cross-eyed man crossing our path.
00:04:22Cool.
00:04:22Shocking bad luck.
00:04:24Utter twaddle.
00:04:25Primitive superstition.
00:04:27You may sneer if you wish, Benson.
00:04:29But I know that cosmic forces rule our lives.
00:04:32And a cross-eyed man,
00:04:33seen when the moon is in its third quarter.
00:04:36It's just about the worst omen there is, that is.
00:04:39It means two misfortunes.
00:04:41You can tempt fate if you like, mate.
00:04:43But I'm not crossing this road here.
00:04:51That's one misfortune.
00:05:01That's two misfortunes.
00:05:03All right.
00:05:04We can cross now.
00:05:05Oh, oh.
00:05:07Thanks, chaps.
00:05:28Just a minute.
00:05:29I'll have a constable to you right away.
00:05:31Why?
00:05:31Want to make up a male voice quartet?
00:05:35Shhh!
00:05:37Sergeant.
00:05:38It's our replacements.
00:05:42Welcome.
00:05:43Welcome!
00:05:45What a lovely sight day, Thurston.
00:05:47Not half, Sergeant.
00:05:48At ease. At ease.
00:05:50I am Benson, Sergeant.
00:05:52This is Constable Potter, and this is Constable Constable.
00:05:56Who?
00:05:58Charlie Constable.
00:05:59Oh, I get it.
00:06:00That's your name.
00:06:02Yeah.
00:06:02And I'm fed up with it.
00:06:04Everybody keeps taking the mickey.
00:06:05Nobody will do that here, Constable, Constable.
00:06:08I'm very pleased to hear it, Sergeant, Sergeant.
00:06:13Yes.
00:06:14Well then, let's hear all about you then.
00:06:16What delayed you?
00:06:17Couldn't you find your way to the station?
00:06:18That's right.
00:06:19Oh, sense of humour, eh?
00:06:21Well, that's good.
00:06:21You need that in this job.
00:06:22So, you're just out of police school, are you?
00:06:24How'd you do?
00:06:25Fragically fit, thanks, Sergeant.
00:06:27Now, how did you do at school?
00:06:29Horrible.
00:06:31Achoo!
00:06:33You're pulling my leg, aren't you?
00:06:35You didn't really do badly at school.
00:06:38Tell me you didn't.
00:06:39Well, Sergeant, we... we did pass.
00:06:41Only just.
00:06:42In my case, it was sure of prejudice.
00:06:44The instructors...
00:06:45Instructors?
00:06:46Hopelessly old-fashioned.
00:06:47All uniformly housed out of my advanced forensic theories.
00:06:50That had nothing to do with it.
00:06:53Sergeant.
00:06:55On the day of the finals, a black cat fell off the roof.
00:06:59And Mars was in conjunction with Uranus at the time.
00:07:02I ask you, Sergeant.
00:07:05How could we possibly do well?
00:07:08Approximately 100 trainees did very well.
00:07:11Well, they must have been under the influence of Piskies.
00:07:14Oh, Piskies yourself.
00:07:15You septic.
00:07:17The word is sceptic, you ignoramus.
00:07:20Boys.
00:07:20Boys.
00:07:21Don't get so rattled.
00:07:22After all, exam results aren't everything.
00:07:24Hmm, ha, ha.
00:07:26You just put us on the beat, Sergeant.
00:07:29We'll show those school instructors a thing or two.
00:07:31That's the spirit.
00:07:32Now, the first thing you do...
00:07:34Jewel shop robbery off the main street.
00:07:35Yeah, good.
00:07:36Subjects picked up outside our area.
00:07:37Yes, lovely.
00:07:38Get on with it.
00:07:38Sergeant.
00:07:39When apprehended, they were in hysterics.
00:07:41Psychopaths.
00:07:42Fascinating.
00:07:43That case is very sad.
00:07:45When you...
00:07:45No, Sergeant.
00:07:46They was laughing because they thought it was worth a stretch.
00:07:49To be helped into their car, not 20 yards from the crime, by a constable.
00:07:52A posh-talking fellow with a little moustache.
00:07:54Well, I tell you, in that case, there's no constable answering to that description.
00:07:58Stationed...
00:08:01I, um...
00:08:02Them.
00:08:03Robbers.
00:08:06The wall-eyed man.
00:08:09What wall-eyed man?
00:08:11An omen.
00:08:12I knew it was an omen.
00:08:15Mark my words, Sergeant.
00:08:18Jupiter's behind all this.
00:08:19Jupiter?
00:08:20Jupiter.
00:08:24Now, are you convinced?
00:08:25No, I'm not.
00:08:26If you think the sight of a cockeyed pedestrian can possibly make Potter any more congenitally
00:08:30stupid than he already is, you are very much mistaken.
00:08:33Benson, step outside.
00:08:35Yeah, Benson, step outside.
00:08:37Delighted.
00:08:37I'll be just about to.
00:08:39Look here, look here.
00:08:40Hello.
00:08:41Hello, Goose.
00:08:42Sorry I'm late, Sergeant.
00:08:43But I just couldn't leave home without bringing something bright and gay for the poor indisposed
00:08:48constables.
00:08:49So, it was off to my greenhouse, and with a little snip here, a little snip there, snip snip,
00:08:54and here we are with my love.
00:08:57Oh, what have I said?
00:08:59With my very best floral greetings.
00:09:02Can I have to do something with that?
00:09:04Now then, as you weren't strictly on duty at the time of the crime, we'll forget about it.
00:09:07A crime?
00:09:08Oh, goody.
00:09:09Where?
00:09:10Well, you see, I was going down the road.
00:09:11I said we'd forget about it.
00:09:13I want you to meet Special Constable Goose.
00:09:15Benson.
00:09:15How do you do?
00:09:17Him?
00:09:17How do you do?
00:09:19What the?
00:09:19How do you do?
00:09:20And how do you do?
00:09:22And now you must all meet Bobby, my budgie.
00:09:24Say hello, Bobby.
00:09:25Hello, Bobby.
00:09:28Isn't he the greatest thing?
00:09:29I just couldn't leave him behind.
00:09:30Yes.
00:09:31Well, Goose will be working full time with us, as from today, on account of this flu trouble.
00:09:35You'll all sleep together.
00:09:37Charmed, I'm sure.
00:09:40Harrison!
00:09:46Yes, Sergeant.
00:09:48Show these constables to their quarters, please.
00:09:51Certainly.
00:09:51This way.
00:09:52With you?
00:09:53Anywhere.
00:09:55Flu or no flu, I take it we've got some time off, please, woman Harrison.
00:09:58How do you like to spend it?
00:10:00Cinema?
00:10:01Dancing?
00:10:01Or, uh, just talking?
00:10:07The dog.
00:10:09Symbol of Pluto.
00:10:10The darkest, most evil planet of them all.
00:10:15Oh, Ikey.
00:10:17Dry up.
00:10:18What's that animal doing here?
00:10:20She's a police dog, of course.
00:10:21Her handle is off with flu.
00:10:23Why wasn't that dog tied up in his kennel?
00:10:25Would you be noshing any seat balls?
00:10:27Oh, don't tell her off, Sergeant.
00:10:29She's very fictional.
00:10:30I think she's taken to me.
00:10:31Harrison, get these men out of here.
00:10:33Yes, Sergeant.
00:10:36Come on, ladies, this way.
00:10:37Lady.
00:10:38This way.
00:10:41Lady.
00:10:44Sergeant Wilk!
00:10:46When you can spare a moment.
00:10:47Come on.
00:10:50It'd be rather fun to spend our off time together, eh, policewoman Harrison?
00:10:53We might get acquainted, eh, policewoman Harrison.
00:10:55I can't keep on calling you that.
00:10:57It's such a mouthful.
00:10:57What do your friends call you?
00:10:59Policewoman Harrison.
00:11:00Oh, that's a nice name.
00:11:01My name's Potter.
00:11:02Tom Potter.
00:11:03Hmm.
00:11:03None hotter.
00:11:05This is it.
00:11:07This is our accommodation?
00:11:08All that's available.
00:11:10The men off-sick are in their rooms.
00:11:11I don't like it.
00:11:13There's an old saying, it says.
00:11:15Spend your first night in a strange bed below ground level.
00:11:19And bad luck will haunt you.
00:11:21Straight from the devil.
00:11:23There are the keys.
00:11:24Sort yourselves out and report back to Sergeant Wilkins.
00:11:26Yes, sir.
00:11:28Bless you.
00:11:33Uh, policewoman Harrison.
00:11:35Yes, what is it?
00:11:35I'm busy.
00:11:36Not too busy to get acquainted, I hope.
00:11:39I'll think about it.
00:11:41Achoo!
00:11:43Don't take too long.
00:11:50I say, chaps, I think I'm gonna like it here.
00:11:53Like it here?
00:11:54How can you say that, Potter?
00:11:56When all the old men stacked up against us like a wall of doom.
00:12:00I've warned you.
00:12:01Yes, yes, we know.
00:12:02When Mars is in conjunction with Uranus, it's gonna be a bumpy night.
00:12:05Come on.
00:12:09I never said that.
00:12:14You sent for a Sergeant?
00:12:15And here we are.
00:12:16Keen, aren't you?
00:12:17You're out there.
00:12:18Right, we'll put you to work right away.
00:12:19Gorse, you patrol area five.
00:12:21Too relieved?
00:12:21I, uh...
00:12:22Vincent.
00:12:24I've got something special for you.
00:12:26It's harsh.
00:12:27Until my first day, too.
00:12:28This way.
00:12:33Willie!
00:12:36Willie!
00:12:38Police!
00:12:40Police!
00:12:41Police!
00:12:43Police!
00:12:44Police!
00:12:45We've got a little coppers!
00:12:47Get out of my way, you fool!
00:12:49I want a policeman!
00:12:51Madam!
00:12:51I am a policeman!
00:12:53Oh, so you are.
00:12:54Oh, thank heavens!
00:12:55Oh, what a blessed release.
00:12:58It's my little boy officer!
00:13:00He's caught!
00:13:01I'm my little Willie!
00:13:02Madam! Panic not. I must have your full particulars.
00:13:07Oh, hurry up them, too! I'm pity on the mother's agony!
00:13:11Madam, I assure you I shall have him back here before you can say Jack Robinson or Gus!
00:13:15Ooh! Where you been, you perishing little stop-out?
00:13:19Giving me a turn like that, I'll skin you alive!
00:13:22Madam, you've known you...
00:13:23You shut up! And buzz off and mind your own business, bluebottle!
00:13:28I'll tell your dad he won't half have your guts!
00:13:30I'll tell your auntie's arm it, too!
00:13:33I say, madam, wait!
00:13:53Lady!
00:14:04Heal, lady!
00:14:06Heal!
00:14:07Heal!
00:14:11Heal!
00:14:12Lady, wait!
00:14:16Lady, wait!
00:14:19Lady, come back!
00:14:22Lady!
00:14:23Lady!
00:14:25Lady!
00:14:26Lady!
00:14:26Oh!
00:14:29Oh!
00:14:30Oh!
00:14:31Where's the doggy gone?
00:14:32Oh, confound the creature!
00:14:33I think I've done myself an injury!
00:14:35I nearly broke my neck!
00:14:37Right, they started it?
00:14:38Yes.
00:14:38Okay.
00:14:40All right, first question, ready?
00:14:42Right.
00:14:43What's the shortest route between, er...
00:14:45Waverly Square and the south end of the High Street?
00:14:48I don't know.
00:14:49I'm a stranger here myself.
00:14:52Let's be serious, shall we?
00:14:54Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh sometimes, or even smile?
00:14:57Oh, life's a very serious business, my friend.
00:15:00Of powerful forces of destiny.
00:15:01If only you knew, the world's most powerful force is the sparkle in a Popsy's eyes.
00:15:06Oh, please, let's study our routes.
00:15:08I'm only interested in one.
00:15:10The route to policewoman Harrison's heart.
00:15:12Oh, my God.
00:15:14Yes.
00:15:15Okay.
00:15:21WPC password, the sergeant.
00:15:23Reporting on temporary attachment.
00:15:25Oh.
00:15:25As a connoisseur of police personalities, let me state that I have never before been arrested
00:15:32with such charm.
00:15:34Never!
00:15:34I salute her!
00:15:36I salute her!
00:15:37You mean, you arrested Mrs. May on your way here?
00:15:42I wasn't yet officially on station strength, sergeant, I know.
00:15:45But, er, I was in uniform.
00:15:47I was called to the public house, the coach and horses, by a barman with a bleeding head.
00:15:50Yes, well, I can imagine the circumstances.
00:15:54Mrs. May is a regular customer of ours.
00:15:57Oh, charming.
00:15:58You're all so charming.
00:16:01Okay, Buzzworthy, you did well.
00:16:03Good start.
00:16:04I'll charge her.
00:16:06The usual, drunk.
00:16:07And disorderly.
00:16:09Er, take her to the cells.
00:16:11They're just...
00:16:12I can find my own way, thank you, sergeant.
00:16:14Aha, you see?
00:16:15You watch out, sergeant.
00:16:16She'll have your job from you within a week.
00:16:19Ha-ha!
00:16:20Bye-bye!
00:16:23I usually have that nice cell with the southern exposure.
00:16:28Peaceful and pathway.
00:16:30Oops!
00:16:34My dear girls, there's no need for you to trouble to take me anywhere.
00:16:36I mean, I know my way perfectly well.
00:16:38No trouble, Mrs. May.
00:16:39It's my job.
00:16:40Ah-ha-ha!
00:16:42Me old friend number five.
00:16:44You really ought to be ashamed of yourself at this time of day.
00:16:47If you're referring to the fact that I had eight or nine grandies to help my digestion,
00:16:51and also to the fact that that crude fellow of a bomb and insulted me by asking me to leave,
00:16:56well, all I can say is that I did what any lady would do in the circumstances.
00:17:00I hit him on the head with the siphon soda.
00:17:04Yes, well, just settle down and behave yourself, Mrs. May.
00:17:07Sleep it off.
00:17:08I don't like your tone, my girl.
00:17:11I don't like it at all.
00:17:13I'm going to write to my close friend, the Home Secretary, about you.
00:17:17Overwrought I may be.
00:17:19But here you go on.
00:17:20Anyone will think that I've seen things.
00:17:23It's not nice.
00:17:27Oh!
00:17:28Heavens, I'm seeing things.
00:17:30Look in that cell, policemen.
00:17:33Now, now, Mrs. May, I can see them too.
00:17:36If we've heard policemen in a cell.
00:17:38Now, fetch a doctor from Harley Street.
00:17:44No, no, no, keep away.
00:17:45Now, I swear I'll never put another drop as long as I live, I swear it's never.
00:17:48Come back here, Mrs. May.
00:17:51Look.
00:17:51See?
00:17:52They're real policemen.
00:17:54I grant you they may not look it, but...
00:17:57Do you mind?
00:17:59Voice speaks.
00:18:00Please, Mrs. May.
00:18:02How do you do, Mrs. May?
00:18:03My name's Potter.
00:18:05No.
00:18:06Not one of the Hertfordshire Potters.
00:18:09Oh, yes.
00:18:10I'm the youngest son.
00:18:11Thomas.
00:18:12But I, dear boy, had a nightfall.
00:18:15I came out with your mother.
00:18:17Did you?
00:18:19You never told me your mum had been inside?
00:18:22Now, look.
00:18:22If I can do anything to help both of you knock around, I should be only too delighted because
00:18:27I'm a close personal friend of the Home Secretary.
00:18:30And I...
00:18:31I know.
00:18:32But you're also very tired.
00:18:35Better get a kip, madam.
00:18:36Kip?
00:18:37Oh, kip!
00:18:41Goodbye.
00:18:41See you later.
00:18:44Peacewoman Passworthy.
00:18:46I say, when's Peacewoman Harrison next off duty?
00:18:50Oh, right now.
00:18:51She's off with flu.
00:18:51I'm her replacement.
00:18:53Oh, what a shame.
00:18:54Poor old Harrison.
00:18:57Still, life must go on, I suppose.
00:18:59I hate going to the Fricks on my own.
00:19:01Would you care to...
00:19:02I am here to work.
00:19:04This is my first assignment since training school and I intend to work and work and work.
00:19:09I hope that's clear.
00:19:10Now, I suggest that you get on with whatever you're supposed to be doing.
00:19:13Oh.
00:19:14Well, I am.
00:19:16Right now, I'm familiarising myself with the, uh, uh, prominent points around here.
00:19:30She's beautiful.
00:19:33Policewoman Passworthy.
00:19:37Beautiful.
00:19:37Hmm.
00:19:38Nicely stacked.
00:19:39Passworthy.
00:19:40Hmm.
00:19:41Interesting name.
00:19:42Not quite my type, I'm afraid.
00:19:43You know, she's too regimental.
00:19:44Too, um...
00:19:48Charlie.
00:19:49You mean you?
00:19:51You've seen the old sparkle at last.
00:19:53Oh, congratulations.
00:19:54I never thought I'd see the day.
00:19:56Me neither.
00:19:57Oh, it's terrible.
00:19:59What?
00:19:59You don't understand.
00:20:00You see, I...
00:20:03I can't.
00:20:05Of course you can.
00:20:07There's always the first time.
00:20:09No, no, no.
00:20:10No, I can't.
00:20:12I've got to be very careful with girls.
00:20:13Who hasn't?
00:20:15There...
00:20:16Ah.
00:20:16Here you go.
00:20:17Taking the mickey.
00:20:17I knew you would.
00:20:18No, I'm not.
00:20:18Honestly, Charlie.
00:20:19Honestly.
00:20:20What's your problem?
00:20:23You want to take the mickey?
00:20:23Those boys.
00:20:25Those jar boys.
00:20:28Those jar boys.
00:20:28Thank you for being so real.
00:20:32You were saying?
00:20:33Shh.
00:20:35Not now.
00:20:36Let her sleep.
00:20:42I suppose that dog will find its way back all right.
00:20:45Oh, yes.
00:20:46Ladies.
00:20:47Absolutely marvellous.
00:20:48Hmm.
00:20:48Not the adjective I'd have chosen.
00:20:51However, you know the local regular police staff quite well, I take it.
00:20:55Yes, I do.
00:20:56A fine body of men.
00:20:57By which you mean they are mentally constipated, I suppose.
00:21:01Why do you say that?
00:21:02Because criminology is in its infancy, and infantile minds are in charge of it.
00:21:07Really?
00:21:07Yes, really.
00:21:08What is the true function of the policeman on his beat?
00:21:12Um...
00:21:12To cat criminals?
00:21:13No.
00:21:14To prevent crime.
00:21:16Huh.
00:21:16Easy to say.
00:21:18Easy to do, if you know how, if you study.
00:21:20Study what?
00:21:21Physionomy.
00:21:24I'm not altogether with you.
00:21:25Neither with the instructors at the school.
00:21:27There are signs, you see, in the face, if you know what to look for.
00:21:31I can tell at a glance if a man is of criminal inclination.
00:21:35Good heavens.
00:21:36How very useful.
00:21:38Useful.
00:21:38Don't you realize that if all that stuff we were taught at the school was scrapped,
00:21:42if every constable was taught forensic physiognomy,
00:21:45it would revolutionize police practice.
00:21:47That's what I'm interested in.
00:21:48Not a lot of hidebound tripe and taking dogs for walks.
00:21:53We're stuck with all this old-fashioned...
00:21:55Oh, I'm most terribly sorry, officer.
00:21:57I do beg your pardon.
00:21:58I was thinking of something else.
00:21:59Yes, that's quite all right, sir.
00:22:02Go on, then.
00:22:03Do it on him.
00:22:04Whatever you mean.
00:22:05You know.
00:22:07Fizzy...
00:22:07What do you call it?
00:22:08Do it on that man.
00:22:09Oh, on him.
00:22:10He's as honest as the day is long.
00:22:12I say.
00:22:13Can you really tell as quickly as that?
00:22:15Yes, at a glance.
00:22:16Of course, one has to study.
00:22:18It means years of research.
00:22:20But then, as I say, the signs always show in a criminal's face.
00:22:25Turned rather chilly all of a sudden, isn't it?
00:22:27Do you think you've got flu?
00:22:29That man, he pinched my braces.
00:22:50Morning, Bobby.
00:22:52Ready for break hours?
00:22:53Uncle's coming.
00:22:54Changing and walking.
00:22:55Oh!
00:22:58Naughty, rude...
00:22:59Quiet.
00:23:00Naughty, rude Bobby.
00:23:02Laughing with poor Uncle Timothy.
00:23:04Hurt his footy.
00:23:05You're a bad bird.
00:23:06He-he-he.
00:23:07Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
00:23:12Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
00:23:14Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
00:23:15Wakey, wakey.
00:23:16Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
00:23:18Bum, bom, bom.
00:23:20Ah!
00:23:27Rise and shine.
00:23:46Up and out, up and out.
00:23:48Don't you make that flaming row?
00:23:50Now, restrain yourself.
00:23:52I know someone who didn't get out of the right side of their bed.
00:23:55Up and out.
00:24:03All ready, then?
00:24:04Oh, yes, come on, hurry, darling.
00:24:06Oh, I'm fine, pretty sorry, I remember, now.
00:24:11It only comes on hot at certain times.
00:24:13You maniac!
00:24:15We'll all catch.
00:24:17Get out of here.
00:24:24Gentlemen, really!
00:24:36It's a disgraceful.
00:24:38One of the Harpertshire Potters!
00:24:40It utterly disgraceful!
00:24:42Well, you did ask for a cell with a Southern Exposure.
00:24:53No time like the present, Charlie. Go to it. Remember, delay is fatal.
00:25:13Hello there. Oh, good morning, Constable, Constable. My name's Charlie. Oh, Charles, actually.
00:25:21It's against regulations for us to be as familiar as that. Didn't you learn anything at your training
00:25:26school? Yes, I did, Policewoman Passworthy. I learned what constitutes an obstruction,
00:25:33parking regulations, rules of evidence. I came out top with me truncheon. Well, that's
00:25:39a great comfort to us all, I'm sure. Um, please, Policewoman Passworthy, what's your birthday?
00:25:46My what? Your birthday, I must know. It's vital to me. You see, I can't take a single step until...
00:25:49You take a few steps over to inspection and don't be so silly. No, please tell me. You
00:25:53don't understand. I can't do a thing before... Look, here comes the sergeant. Go away.
00:26:00Oh, dear. Good morning, sergeant. Good morning. I noticed, sergeant, that I'm not down for the
00:26:06patrol today. Well, I'm glad to know you're so keen, Passworthy, but you really must have
00:26:10a better knowledge of the district first. Pick up a map and study it. Yes, sergeant.
00:26:25Any luck? I should never have tried. My tea leaves at breakfast were all clotted.
00:26:32You'd better call in at Mrs. Bottomley at number 24. She's complaining about suspicious
00:26:35activities in the rear of her premises. Yes, sergeant. You're late, constable.
00:26:42Yes, sergeant. Why? We had a bit of trouble with the shower. Looks like I'm gonna have a bit of
00:26:45trouble with the shower, too, doesn't it? Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty. Quiet,
00:26:49course. No more talking now. Full present corrector. Show your appointment.
00:27:02Excuse me, sir.
00:27:04Hmm? Constable Benson, sir. Well, what is it? In the absence of the station dog handler yesterday,
00:27:09sir, I took the animal a lady walking, sir. What, on a job? Routine, sir. Oh, just for a walkies.
00:27:15Well,
00:27:15what about it? I wish to protest at being sent out with a brute that, far from being trained, as
00:27:20I've
00:27:21been led to believe, seems to me barely advanced from the wolf pack. Sergeant, don't send this man out
00:27:26again with lady. No, sir. Thank you, sir. Can't have lady upset. No, sir.
00:27:34Where's your uniform torn, Gorse? I fell down a flight of stairs, sir. How? Quick? Oh, yes, indeed,
00:27:40sir. Very quick. I was on a scooter. On a scooter? Well, why wasn't I told about this? Thanks,
00:27:46Gorse. I was proceeding in an easterly direction. And that insane canine misfit was proceeding in a
00:27:53westerly direction. Quiet, Bunsen. Quiet, Wilkins. You were there? Was I not? We were both nearly
00:27:58killed, weren't we? And it was all the fault of that stupid bitch. Well, there was a third party
00:28:03involved. Oh, no, no, sir. Lady. Lady? Lady, the dog, sir. She's a bitch, isn't she, sir? Lady,
00:28:10dog's a bitch. Well, I know that, don't I? Yes, sir. Gracious, what, what are you? We're all
00:28:14naturally like a lot of old women. Let's have some discipline in this place. Yes, sir.
00:28:19How do you do, sir? How do you? Yes, sir. Well, I've seen you before somewhere,
00:28:24haven't I? I don't think so, sir. I couldn't forget your face. What do you mean? Well, I mean,
00:28:30you have such an arresting face, sir. Very swift and arresting face. You merry quipper, you.
00:28:37Gorse! Where have I seen you before? Perhaps you met him in a previous
00:28:43existence, sir. Who's this lot? Constable, sir. Constable who? Constable, sir. And now I say
00:28:54constable who? Constable, constable, sir. That's unusual, isn't it? Yes, sir. Innate. Well,
00:29:03explain yourself, constable constable. Constable. Reincarnation, sir. Who? Reincarnation,
00:29:11sir. It accounts for some of our more uncanny experiences. Get away. Yes. If you cooperate with
00:29:18me, sir, I think I could uncover where it was that you and Potter met in a previous life, sir.
00:29:24I don't nonsense. No, sir, please. Close your eyes and relax. Certainly not. Please, sir. Yes.
00:29:37I can see a pond. A beautiful, artificial pond in a garden, sir. Any fish? The fountains are plain.
00:29:50I said, any fish? No, no fish. Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you and Potter. You're in the
00:29:57garden.
00:29:58You're centurions together, sir. Two thousand years ago in ancient Rome.
00:30:05Wait a minute. I can see the Vestal Virgins.
00:30:12Oh, they've gone indoors. Never heard such poppycock in all my life. Please,
00:30:19don't make another heredity wave. Please. Let's try it again. We're very near. Shut your eyes, sir.
00:30:26You shut your trap. I've had enough of this. And I remember where I've seen you before, too. You're a
00:30:30society playboy. Lothario. One of the siphon squirters and waiter-dee beggars of this world.
00:30:38Happy days, sir. Happy days. You lot won't know what's hit you soon. Horrible. Disgusting.
00:30:46I don't want trouble. You can't afford trouble, right? Right, sir.
00:30:54Right.
00:30:57You four, do you know your roots? Yes, Sergeant. Well, concentrate on them and on nothing else.
00:31:02This is a police patrol, not a protest march against crafts, a scooter demonstration,
00:31:08boat race night, or a reincarnation seance. It's just a routine police patrol.
00:31:17Yes, Sergeant. Just stay here, you lot. And remember, you're still on parade.
00:31:30Well, why don't you ask me how it went? All right. How did it go? Don't ask.
00:31:35Do me a favor. Tell Thurston to meet me at the last patrol point in a car. Anything to help.
00:31:39And my voices tell me you do need help.
00:32:10Potty-poos! Potty-poos! Potty-darling!
00:32:18Honoria, old thing.
00:32:20Haven't seen you since Fruity Father of Gill's pyjama party.
00:32:24I say, what are you doing here? What is this? A rag?
00:32:29Oh, rather not. I'm in the force.
00:32:31What are the cops? What fun!
00:32:33I'd like you to meet my new chums. Timothy Gorse, Charlie, Stanley Benson, Sergeant Wilkins.
00:32:40Sweet. Just sweet, all of you. Especially Wilkie-poos.
00:32:46I'm terribly sorry, Sergeant. I, uh...
00:32:48Oh! Have I done something madly illegal?
00:32:51Oh, no, Miss. You're just obstructing the police in the execution of their duty, that's all.
00:32:56It's my fault, Sergeant.
00:32:57Oh, no, don't blame dear potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.
00:33:03You will forgive me, won't you? Everybody does, you know. Bye-bye, potty-poodles.
00:33:12It's entirely my fault, Sergeant. I, I shouldn't...
00:33:15Back to work, potty-poos.
00:33:18Yes.
00:33:37Of course, you still there?
00:33:39Yes.
00:33:40Why? Your beat starts here.
00:33:44Does it? Oh, so it does. Thank you.
00:33:58I know, I know. This is where I'll get off.
00:34:09Good morning, madam. Can I help you at all?
00:34:11Well, I certainly need a copper, and that's a fact.
00:34:17You're my first customer this morning, madam. Have this one on me.
00:34:20Ootah!
00:34:21Oh, my God.
00:35:09By Jove, a Simeon Amoris with paralyzed conscience.
00:35:29Don't do it, my friend.
00:35:31Don't do what?
00:35:31You know what?
00:35:34I don't know what.
00:35:35Pause.
00:35:36Consider.
00:35:37If you can resist the temptation to steal that car, it'll be easier for you to overcome the urge to
00:35:43rob that post office.
00:35:44You'll need skilled help, of course.
00:35:46To do the robbery?
00:35:48No, to recover from your sickness.
00:35:50Oh, you think I'm ill?
00:35:51I know you are desperately ill.
00:35:53Crime is an illness.
00:35:54Its symptoms show in the face.
00:35:56What you need is understanding help to recover from it.
00:35:59Come to me anytime, even when the temptation seems overwhelming.
00:36:03Ask me at the station.
00:36:05My name's Benson.
00:36:06Constable Benson.
00:36:08My name's Liddell.
00:36:09Liddell.
00:36:10Detective Sergeant Liddell.
00:36:11C.I.D.
00:36:13Not a very good start to your reform.
00:36:16No fantasies now.
00:36:17You know as well as I do, no police officer would behave so suspiciously coming out of the post office.
00:36:21Oh, he might, you know, if he'd just drawn a few pounds to buy his wife a surprise present.
00:36:24And he didn't want to bump into her knowing full well she was in the area shopping at the time.
00:36:27Oh, ingenious.
00:36:29You're a card.
00:36:32I'm not, but, uh, this is.
00:36:39Oh, dear.
00:36:40But you look such a standard criminal type.
00:36:43Oh, don't be misled by appearances.
00:36:44I'm not.
00:36:45After all, you look quite sensible.
00:36:50Charming.
00:37:00Charming.
00:37:03Charming.
00:37:05Charming.
00:37:08Charming.
00:37:12Charming.
00:37:17Charming.
00:37:20Charming.
00:37:22Charming.
00:37:22Charming.
00:37:24Charming.
00:37:25Charming.
00:37:25Charming.
00:37:27Charming.
00:37:29Charming.
00:37:29Charming.
00:37:30Charming.
00:37:34what's up sergeant thurston what would you do if you wanted to make sure that patrol was keeping
00:37:38an eye on the district i'd keep an eye on that patrol get cracking
00:38:0313
00:38:12You need to stay there, Alistair. Don't hurt him. I can't bear him.
00:38:16Oh, my doctor, he's a muscular.
00:38:30Follow me.
00:38:37Oh, you fool.
00:38:44Alistair! You killed him!
00:39:02Hey, what do you think you're doing?
00:39:06Well, I heard... I thought I heard. What's going on here?
00:39:12I thought I heard a murder, Sergeant.
00:39:14It was only the radio.
00:39:16That excerpt was from tonight's play in the Home Service.
00:39:20Do you want to make a complaint, Miss?
00:39:22Oh, no. He was only doing what he thought was right.
00:39:25Thank you very much, Miss.
00:39:27Has it hurt?
00:39:29Not at all, Sergeant.
00:39:31Get back on the beat!
00:39:32Yes, sir. Thank you very much, Miss.
00:39:35Thank you, Sergeant.
00:39:39Thank you, Nick.
00:39:58I...
00:39:59Want to cross the road, Ma?
00:40:00Very heavy load, yes.
00:40:02Oh, I see. Well, never mind!
00:40:04What? I... wait!
00:40:06that's all right mother you're all right with me what do you want with me key I
00:40:10know I was trying to help you what's going on here speak up speak up my
00:40:33battery's running out not a second before time the ungrateful virago what
00:40:38happened madam he forced me to over here when I've taken ten minutes to get to
00:40:44over there all of a sudden he grabbed me behind and I did not lying old witch
00:40:51Cardi don't interrupt that's enough of that do you want to make a complaint what
00:40:56do you mean it ain't I tell you it's the gospel truth
00:40:59he grabbed me behind and sergeant I assure you I did not Benson I don't care where
00:41:06you grabbed her the point is she didn't want to be grabbed anywhere now get those
00:41:09crumbs off and get back on your patrol yes sergeant and remember in future helping
00:41:13old ladies across the street should be left to the boys cast kindly don't sneer
00:41:16that fine organization I was a rover well rove police station calmly and clearly
00:41:23madam please miss Horton near as you're speaking from 33 33 Nathaniel Road intruder
00:41:34next door do you mean 31 or 35 35 telephone number four five seven three thank you
00:41:44madam we'll send a car immediately what I said that's all right I've just seen a
00:41:48policeman outside sergeant
00:41:54nathaniel road
00:41:58call in car four calling car four constable potter investigating report of intruder 35
00:42:05Nathaniel Road over to Nathaniel Road thanks right Durston move mr. and mrs. Barry 35
00:42:14they're in Canada seeing their first grandchild their daughter Sally she's in
00:42:17corner visiting her fiance's family the house should be empty but just now I
00:42:21heard somebody moving about I see thanks well go in and get him I'd sooner wait
00:42:26till he comes out better still catch him in the act the Barry's left them with me
00:42:29fortunate eh back way over the garden fence we're supposing he's armed well if I
00:42:34hear a shot I'll ring the station 10 4
00:42:37that's I'll ring the line
00:42:38that's what I was and don't ask I'm sorry I'll ring the estrogen
00:42:44to the road
00:42:44the road
00:42:44the road
00:42:46the road
00:42:49the road
00:42:49the road
00:43:06and
00:44:29Oh, it's Eric. An accident.
00:44:36Hello. I'm a police officer.
00:44:45Come on, Thurston Foster.
00:44:48Potter may be struggling for his life with some murderous tear-away.
00:44:51If only Eric was as considerate as you are, Constable.
00:44:55What's your name?
00:44:56Just call me Tom. Tell me all about it.
00:44:59Well, last night, Eric and I were talking about furniture.
00:45:02I want contemporary things and he doesn't.
00:45:04We had a terrible row.
00:45:06He said he wasn't going to have chairs like toadstools.
00:45:08So I said if he's going to exaggerate, there wasn't much point in talking.
00:45:11So he said perhaps we ought never to talk to each other again.
00:45:14Whereupon I said, that suits me fine.
00:45:16Threw his ring back and got here at three o'clock this morning and...
00:45:20Oh, Tom, we haven't even got a flat.
00:45:22Oh, is that all? It's just a little lover's tiff.
00:45:25Tiff, it's finished.
00:45:28I'm never going to see him again.
00:45:30Oh, of course you will.
00:45:34There, there, there, there.
00:45:35Now, listen.
00:45:36It's quite simple.
00:45:38You and Eric are both tense about getting married.
00:45:41You can't wait for it.
00:45:42What do you mean?
00:45:44Well, I, um...
00:45:46You know.
00:45:49Don't you see?
00:45:51At present, you're both a bundle of nerves.
00:45:54Naturally, you're going to fly off the handle at the slightest thing.
00:45:56But believe me, once you're married...
00:46:00We'll not be married now.
00:46:01It's all spoiled, finished.
00:46:04Of course it isn't.
00:46:05You phone him.
00:46:07Say you're sorry.
00:46:08Cry a little.
00:46:10Now, wait.
00:46:12Trust your Uncle Tom.
00:46:14He'll come running, you'll see.
00:46:17Oh, just imagine that moment, Sally.
00:46:21The bliss of the reunion.
00:46:25How could any man resist your lovely, innocent eyes?
00:46:27Your...
00:46:30Your yearning look?
00:46:33A man's heart must melt.
00:46:35Well, come on!
00:46:36That boy's in danger!
00:46:37Sally.
00:46:39Oh, Tom.
00:46:40Potter!
00:46:42Oh, hello, Sergeant.
00:46:44How nice of you to drop in.
00:46:46Hmm.
00:46:46I don't need your help with this sort of case enough.
00:46:49Run along a phone now, Sally.
00:46:55Oh, well.
00:46:56Better get back on the old beat, I suppose.
00:46:58Potter, Tom.
00:47:04Help!
00:47:05Help!
00:47:05Oh, help!
00:47:07I say, Constable, I know you'll think I'm an awfully silly girl, but I've lost my pussy.
00:47:12The name's Fluff.
00:47:13Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Fluff.
00:47:16It's the cat's name.
00:47:17The cat's name.
00:47:19So sorry.
00:47:20Silly me.
00:47:22When did you last see Fluff?
00:47:24Oh, only a moment ago.
00:47:25I was bringing him back from the vet.
00:47:26But the catch on the basket must have been loose and he jumped up.
00:47:31In here and up there.
00:47:33Ah-ha.
00:47:33I see, madam.
00:47:34Just leave everything to me.
00:47:36Oh, I just couldn't get up there in the skirt.
00:47:39Oh, Lord, do be careful.
00:47:40Don't be alarmed, madam.
00:47:44Fluff, Fluff, Fluff.
00:47:45Fluff.
00:47:46Where's the naughty pussycat?
00:47:47Fluff.
00:47:48Ah-ha.
00:47:49There you are.
00:47:50Shh.
00:47:52Oh, naughty old man-ered pussy.
00:47:54Not to spit at Uncle Timothy.
00:47:56Now, don't go away.
00:47:56Stay there.
00:47:59Fluff.
00:47:59Don't go up there.
00:48:00Come down.
00:48:01Fluff.
00:48:01Fluff, come down.
00:48:02Fluff.
00:48:03Oh, you naughty pussy.
00:48:04Where are you now?
00:48:05Fluff.
00:48:06Fluff, Fluff, Fluff.
00:48:07Fluff.
00:48:08Ah.
00:48:09There you are.
00:48:11Now, how am I going to get you down?
00:48:13I know this will frighten you.
00:48:15No.
00:48:20Help.
00:48:21Help.
00:48:22Help.
00:48:23Help.
00:48:24Oh.
00:48:26This is good enough.
00:48:29Help.
00:48:30Help.
00:48:31Oh, my goodness.
00:48:32Come on.
00:48:33Oh, dear.
00:48:34Help.
00:48:37Stop.
00:48:37Stop.
00:48:38Oh, stop.
00:48:39Stop.
00:48:40Stop.
00:48:44What is it, madam?
00:48:45A policeman.
00:48:46I think he just shot to the top of the tower.
00:48:49Was he wearing glasses?
00:48:51Why, yes.
00:48:51Thank you, madam.
00:48:52Here we go.
00:49:02Call these reports.
00:49:03I've never seen anything like them in my life.
00:49:06Look at this one.
00:49:07I thought I heard a murder.
00:49:09Heard a murder, I ask you.
00:49:11Have you ever smelt a burglary?
00:49:13Yes, sir, I have.
00:49:14When a sense door got broke into.
00:49:16Yes, all right, all right.
00:49:17Smell it up a stream.
00:49:20She looked as if she was thinking of crossing the road.
00:49:24How do you know what anyone's thinking?
00:49:26Might have been thinking of buying a pair of thicker knickers.
00:49:30I pulled the rope and flew into the air like Peter Pan.
00:49:33I mean, Peter Pan's great aunt, don't you?
00:49:36The young lady was in the bath.
00:49:38You were looking through the keyhole, I suppose.
00:49:39Oh, no, sir, the door wasn't locked.
00:49:42What have you got to say for yourselves, anything?
00:49:44Yes, sir, I want a transfer.
00:49:47Do you really?
00:49:48To Scotland Yard, I presume?
00:49:50Yes, sir.
00:49:51I joined the force to prevent crime,
00:49:53not to be assaulted by demented old women.
00:49:55My speciality is forensic physiognomy,
00:49:57and I feel my proper place is in the photographic records department at Scotland Yard.
00:50:01Not now, Benson, use your loaves.
00:50:03Please, don't mention loaves to me.
00:50:05Shh, Benson, please.
00:50:07It's all very well for you, mate.
00:50:08Let me tell you something. I was boshed to...
00:50:09Don't go talking.
00:50:10Might I be permitted to say a word at this juncture?
00:50:13Yes, sir.
00:50:15When I was a young constable, we were fine for being one minute late, right?
00:50:19Right, sir.
00:50:20We weren't allowed to go to our own front doors and our shirt sleeves, right?
00:50:23Right, sir.
00:50:24Seems immaterial to me how you answer the front door,
00:50:26as long as you're capable of doing your job properly.
00:50:29Benson.
00:50:29I'll handle this, thank you, Wilkins.
00:50:31I've been watching you and listening to you very carefully, Benson,
00:50:34and I think you have a future.
00:50:37Oh, thank you, sir.
00:50:38Selling lace table mats.
00:50:42But regarding your ability as a policeman,
00:50:45I personally wouldn't send you down to the corner of the street
00:50:47for me to buy a bag of aniseed balls.
00:50:49You stupid constable.
00:50:52Do I make myself clear?
00:50:53Crystal!
00:50:54Pardon?
00:50:55No one could accuse you of not being explicit, sir.
00:50:59However, your misreading of my potential is sublime in its totality.
00:51:04Get them out of here, Wilkins!
00:51:05Get them out!
00:51:06Right, sir.
00:51:07All right.
00:51:08Yes, me?
00:51:11Straighten yourselves out there!
00:51:21Sergeant, ha!
00:51:22You stand there like a stuffed dummy.
00:51:24You're unable to control this rabble.
00:51:26I thought you said you could handle them, sir.
00:51:29The sooner you are transferred, Sergeant Wilkins,
00:51:31the better for all concerned.
00:51:33Yes, sir.
00:51:34Now, don't you honestly think that us old-timers
00:51:36ought to have a little more patience with these youngsters?
00:51:38Gah!
00:51:39When I joined my first station at Sidcutt North...
00:51:42Here we go again.
00:51:43We had a sergeant there.
00:51:45He didn't start to inquire whether we were Greenhorns or Old Sweats.
00:51:48We had to be on the ball the whole time.
00:51:50I've seen some of the young lads there
00:51:52sobbing their heart out there in the wash house.
00:51:54At least, I think that's what they were doing.
00:52:00Sergeant Wilkins!
00:52:01Oh, sorry.
00:52:08And as for that inspector, he was a holy terror.
00:52:10I remember him saying...
00:52:13Roll on my penchant.
00:52:28Going on patrol, Sergeant.
00:52:29Right, pass with you.
00:52:56Why aren't you typing?
00:52:57Oh, my fingers are...
00:52:59Can I do something else?
00:53:01I don't know.
00:53:02Can you?
00:53:17Come in.
00:53:23Oh, you.
00:53:24Yes, sir.
00:53:25Sergeant Wilkins sent me, sir.
00:53:27Said you wanted to the constable.
00:53:28So I did.
00:53:29Look what I've got.
00:53:31Shall I go, then, sir?
00:53:32No, look.
00:53:33I've got a very complex, coordinated report to make out here
00:53:36and I need some assistance.
00:53:37My secretary's off.
00:53:39Flew?
00:53:39No, having a baby.
00:53:41Oh.
00:53:41Makes a change.
00:53:42Well, not for her.
00:53:43It's her fourth.
00:53:44Oh, honestly, sir.
00:53:45Some of these girls.
00:53:47You've only got to sneeze at them.
00:53:49Look, you didn't come here to talk about my secretary.
00:53:51You're a distracting personality, Potter.
00:53:53Sorry, sir.
00:53:54Well, you will be if you don't concentrate.
00:53:56Yes, sir.
00:53:58What do I have to concentrate on, sir?
00:53:59Yes, well, I'll finish with those, Burnham.
00:54:02Oh, sir.
00:54:05Potter!
00:54:06What?
00:54:06Not those!
00:54:07But you told me to, sir.
00:54:08No, they're my consolidated notes!
00:54:10Oh, Potter!
00:54:11I'm on fire!
00:54:12No, you're not, sir, but you're only nearly, uh, you're lucky to escape this.
00:54:16The coffee!
00:54:16Get the water!
00:54:17Don't panic!
00:54:18Don't panic!
00:54:19I've got, I've got...
00:54:19Stand clear, sir!
00:54:29But, uh...
00:54:36Morning, officer.
00:54:39Yes, sir?
00:54:40Reporting.
00:54:41What for?
00:54:42Myself.
00:54:43Why?
00:54:44Well, the terms of my release.
00:54:46From prison?
00:54:48How exciting!
00:54:49I've never met a real criminal before.
00:54:51Who do you think you're calling a criminal?
00:54:52Just a minute.
00:54:54Ah, it's bone structure.
00:54:55I can tell at a glance.
00:54:56You're going straight, I'm sure of that.
00:54:59There are signs, you know.
00:55:00You'd, uh...
00:55:02Trust me?
00:55:03Unhesitatingly.
00:55:04With my life.
00:55:05Constable,
00:55:06you don't know what it feels like to be trusted again.
00:55:09To meet someone like you could make all the difference in the world to me.
00:55:11I know, that's my entire purpose, my whole point.
00:55:14I want to help, not persecute and punish.
00:55:18Now, it's...
00:55:18Exactly.
00:55:19Well, um, take my case.
00:55:21My father's estate is worth 492,000 pounds.
00:55:26By rights, it's mine.
00:55:27Yet our family solicitor, who's never liked me, has had it tied up in Chancery for years.
00:55:32Now, if I could only get hold of, um, 50 pounds for legal expenses, I'd be able to make a
00:55:38case of it.
00:55:3950 pounds!
00:55:40That's all that stands between me and my inheritance.
00:55:4250 pounds?
00:55:43I've got just that in the post office.
00:55:46Earning 2.5%.
00:55:48If you lend it to me, I could give you 5,000 when I win the case.
00:55:51That's 500%.
00:55:52Oh, he's far too generous.
00:55:54I feel I was taking advantage of you.
00:55:56Believe me or not.
00:55:58Is it a deal?
00:55:59Done!
00:56:01You're being done, all right, Benson.
00:56:02Meet Herbert Hall, the craftiest confidence dictator outside the Nick.
00:56:06Sorry, son.
00:56:07I wouldn't have taken your money.
00:56:08But somehow I couldn't resist you.
00:56:10You're such a born mug.
00:56:12It's written all over you.
00:56:13There are signs, you know.
00:56:15Bone structure.
00:56:17What a nerve!
00:56:19Coming in here and trying a thing like that on.
00:56:21Me, a policeman.
00:56:22Policeman?
00:56:23Look, son, you haven't got the taste of the chin strap yet.
00:56:32There we are.
00:56:33That's a good job done.
00:56:36I certainly feel like me cup of char now.
00:56:39I'm sure you do, but you're not through yet.
00:56:43Thanks.
00:56:46Oh, no.
00:56:48All them hours bashing away and the carbon's the wrong way around.
00:56:55Well?
00:57:15Thanks, Oopie.
00:57:18Thank goodness Mills has gone off this afternoon.
00:57:20What do you mean this afternoon?
00:57:21He's been off for months.
00:57:24How's that post with your girl shaping?
00:57:26Oh, she's shaped.
00:57:28Her weights and measures, a road safety, and a breach of a piece, all on her first patrol.
00:57:33When's she bringing in Jack the River?
00:57:35Strange, don't you think?
00:57:36The only efficient rookie's a woman.
00:57:39Oh, I wouldn't say that.
00:57:41Potter's on a job right now.
00:57:42That must go right.
00:57:43I mean, after all, the landed gentry, they're all good with dogs.
00:58:03I'm frightfully so...
00:58:05Sir, let me help you out.
00:58:16Me, who hasn't had a cold for 23 years, Wilkins.
00:58:19Look, go and get Potter.
00:58:20I'm going to...
00:58:21Now, calm down.
00:58:22You'll only send your temperature up and you'll feel worse.
00:58:25There you go again, Wilkins.
00:58:26Protecting these incompetent dinkum poops with the consequences of their own...
00:58:30Leave it to me, sir.
00:58:31I'll tell him off.
00:58:32Why don't you take a few days sickly?
00:58:34And what would happen to this station without me?
00:58:38I'd rather not say, sir.
00:58:42I will not have them go out unless they're accompanied by someone compass-mentis to go with them.
00:58:46Even though we're understaffed, sir?
00:58:49Those are my orders, Wilkins.
00:58:51You always want to argue.
00:58:54What a stinker I have got.
00:58:56What about Potter? Has he got a...
00:58:58No, sir. Not a sniff.
00:59:01Injustice of it.
00:59:02Why don't you look on the bright side, sir?
00:59:03You know, I mean, you think of all the times you've torn a strip off certain constables and said they
00:59:07couldn't even catch a cold.
00:59:09Now, you could say that to Potter and be right.
00:59:12For the first time.
00:59:24Good morning, constable.
00:59:26Uh, uh, good morning, Sergeant Moon.
00:59:28Let's not beat about the bush, eh?
00:59:30All right.
00:59:31You're in love with Passworthy, yes or no?
00:59:35Well, I suppose I am.
00:59:38What's it to do with you?
00:59:39I'm concerned with the efficiency of the force.
00:59:43You in a daze, her wondering why you're in a daze, means two units of personnel at less than maximum
00:59:48efficiency.
00:59:50The sooner you two get sorted out, the better for the force.
00:59:52Right?
00:59:53Uh, right.
00:59:55Well, then do something about it.
00:59:57Can't.
00:59:59I can't till I know whether she's a Virgo.
01:00:01I beg your pardon.
01:00:03Astrology.
01:00:04You see, my horoscope says I stand my best chance of romantic happiness with a Virgo subject.
01:00:09So, I've got to know her birthday.
01:00:11I can't make a move.
01:00:12It's vital, it's significant.
01:00:13It's here.
01:00:15Eh?
01:00:16Would you like me to look it up?
01:00:25Passworthy, Gloria.
01:00:30Gloria.
01:00:31Date of birth, August the 24th.
01:00:38Virgo.
01:00:41Oh, Gloria.
01:00:43Oh, Gloria.
01:00:58Oh, I'm so happy to be out on patrol with you.
01:01:02Oh, do stop that.
01:01:04It's not good for a police officer to be seen chortling on patrol.
01:01:08Oh, quite right.
01:01:10Must be more dignified.
01:01:16Ho, ho.
01:01:18What is the matter with you?
01:01:20I can't help it.
01:01:22I'm happy.
01:01:23I'm about to become an efficient unit of personnel.
01:01:26Oh, Gloria.
01:01:27Constable, kindly address me properly and...
01:01:31Don't look at me like that.
01:01:34Right.
01:01:36Policewoman, Passworthy.
01:01:41But listen to me.
01:01:43You've got to listen to me.
01:01:45I'm happy.
01:01:46And I want to make you happy too, my dear.
01:01:49Policewoman.
01:01:51I love you, policewoman Passworthy.
01:01:53I'm crazy about you.
01:01:55I couldn't tell you until now because of the stars, policewoman, my sweetheart.
01:01:59The stars, you see.
01:02:00Instinct can be misleading, but the stars never.
01:02:02And they say that it's all right.
01:02:04Policewoman Passworthy.
01:02:06Oh, do return my love, policewoman Passworthy.
01:02:08Gloria.
01:02:09Virgo.
01:02:18Kindly get that vehicle off the road, madam.
01:02:38Of course, I've got an idea.
01:02:40I'm fed up with being cooped up like this, treating us like children.
01:02:42It's humiliating.
01:02:43We're not allowed out on our own today, Inspector's orders, and there's nothing we can do about it.
01:02:47Oh, yes, there is.
01:02:48We could show that Inspector.
01:02:49He couldn't even inspect gas meters.
01:02:52Absolutely splendid.
01:02:53But how?
01:02:54Come with me.
01:02:54Out the back way.
01:02:55Oh, we dare not.
01:02:57Dare nothing, achieve nothing.
01:02:59Are you with me?
01:03:00Yes, Benson.
01:03:01Come on.
01:03:02Right.
01:03:09You say this is the department where most of the trouble occurs, isn't it?
01:03:13It's dreadful.
01:03:13What with I being so busy now, and so many of our assistants away with flu.
01:03:16Ideal conditions for shoplifting, in fact.
01:03:18And for observation, too.
01:03:20Yes, exactly.
01:03:21Just leave this to ourselves.
01:03:22Gladly, but excuse me.
01:03:23I hardly think anyone's likely to steal something while two policemen marching about.
01:03:27Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought of that.
01:03:30Had you, Benson?
01:03:31Yes.
01:03:32Yes, of course I have.
01:03:33We shall require, sir, just a little help from you.
01:03:49Get them away.
01:03:54Do you know, I haven't done this since I was in the army, at a camp concert.
01:04:00This is no laughing matter, Gorse.
01:04:02I say, you mustn't call me that.
01:04:05Not when we're on special duty.
01:04:06Oh, yes.
01:04:07Well, um, Agra for them.
01:04:11And I shall call you.
01:04:12Now, let me see.
01:04:14Call me Ethel.
01:04:15It was my grandma's name.
01:04:17If Grandma Mark could see you now, she'd be so proud.
01:04:21Well, to work.
01:04:22To work.
01:04:24Are you ready, Agra for?
01:04:26If you are, Ethel.
01:04:30Let's go.
01:04:42Do you have to keep your glasses on?
01:04:44Why?
01:04:45You don't look pretty enough.
01:04:47Well, really.
01:04:48You're no Bridget Vardy.
01:04:55I beg your pardon, Agra for.
01:04:58Granted, I'm sure.
01:04:59Ethel.
01:04:59Can I help you, ladies?
01:05:05Young girl, we are not ladies.
01:05:08We are police men.
01:05:11Special investigation.
01:05:13Carry on working, as usual.
01:05:20Alice, the manager, quick.
01:05:22Gone out?
01:05:23Oh, well, all right.
01:05:23Get anyone.
01:05:25Sir?
01:05:25There are a couple of loonies up here.
01:05:30Pretend to look at these.
01:05:32Look at her.
01:05:33That's a criminal type.
01:05:34If ever I saw one.
01:05:35Watch.
01:05:41Did you see that?
01:05:43Can I tell at a glance, or can I not?
01:05:46The brazen hussy.
01:05:48Let's apprehend her.
01:05:49No, wait.
01:05:50To make a shoplifting charge stick, you must challenge the suspect outside the store.
01:05:54But, of course.
01:05:55Come on, then.
01:06:02Hello?
01:06:03Hello, sir.
01:06:04They're leaving.
01:06:06Just a moment, madam.
01:06:09Show us your girdle.
01:06:11I beg your pardon?
01:06:12Do you deny that you took a girdle from that store without paying?
01:06:16No, ladies, please.
01:06:17Aha.
01:06:18The corpus, delecti.
01:06:21Name and address, please.
01:06:22We are the police.
01:06:22Prove it.
01:06:23Don't be ridiculous.
01:06:24What's a mistake?
01:06:25A dreadful mistake.
01:06:27They all say that.
01:06:28Name.
01:06:29I am the Lady Maris of this borough, and I have an account at this store.
01:06:34How likely.
01:06:35An account?
01:06:36These are the two.
01:06:37See?
01:06:38Now, now, what's all the fuss about?
01:06:39Now, there's been a mistake.
01:06:40Oh, yes, they all say that.
01:06:41We call it stealing.
01:06:44Cripes.
01:06:45Stealing?
01:06:46Fetch the police.
01:06:47Wait, you fool.
01:06:47We are the police.
01:06:48Ask the manager.
01:06:50Hasn't he told you?
01:06:50No, he hasn't, and he's gone out.
01:06:52You better come quietly.
01:06:53Our uniforms.
01:06:54They're in the ladies.
01:06:55Changing room?
01:06:56A likely story.
01:06:57Come along, now.
01:06:57Gorse, run for it.
01:06:59Wait a moment.
01:07:12Now, Potter, you've got to try and pull yourself together.
01:07:14Yes, Sergeant.
01:07:15Every single thing you've done up to now has been a mess.
01:07:17Yes, Sergeant.
01:07:17Hello there, Constable.
01:07:18Oh, hello, Mrs May.
01:07:20Oh, jolly good show.
01:07:21All due to you, dear boy.
01:07:26Potter, are you listening?
01:07:27Yes, Sergeant.
01:07:28Well, you're lucky you're not on report.
01:07:30Oh, good morning.
01:07:31Hello.
01:07:31Will you pay attention, Potter?
01:07:33Whatever you have been associated with has gone wrong.
01:07:35Yes, Sergeant.
01:07:35Well, you've got to watch it.
01:07:37Hello.
01:07:38Oh, hello, Miss Barry.
01:07:39Eric, I presume.
01:07:40How do you do?
01:07:41I want to thank you.
01:07:42Oh, not at all.
01:07:43Not at all.
01:07:44We've got a flat.
01:07:45And we're buying furniture.
01:07:47Contemporary.
01:07:47Oh, only if you want it, Eric.
01:07:49I want what you want, darling.
01:07:51In that case, name him Tom, after me.
01:07:58Well, almost everything you touch seems to have been screwed up.
01:08:01Come on.
01:08:03I don't know how many times I've got to tell you.
01:08:05And there I was.
01:08:07Seventeen yobs in that pub, they were.
01:08:09All standing around there, watching, waiting.
01:08:14So I took off my duty, Armlet.
01:08:16Yes, Sergeant.
01:08:17And I said, right, I'm off duty now.
01:08:20Anybody cares to come outside, I'll take you on.
01:08:23One at a time.
01:08:24What happened, Sergeant?
01:08:25They knocked my head off.
01:08:29Let that be a lesson to you.
01:08:30Never take your duty, Armlet, off at the wrong time.
01:08:34That van shouldn't be there.
01:08:35Obstruction?
01:08:45Wages?
01:08:48Look.
01:08:48In your drive?
01:08:49Rather.
01:08:50After him.
01:08:59Porter!
01:09:03Did you get that number?
01:09:04Afraid not.
01:09:27Get out.
01:09:28I'll try.
01:09:30I'll try it.
01:09:31I'll try it.
01:09:31Try it.
01:09:31Try it.
01:09:47I'm putting you all on official report. Have you got anything to say?
01:09:50Yes, sir. I didn't ask you, thank you, Sergeant.
01:09:53If I had my way, I'd suspend the whole lot of you from duty immediately.
01:09:57Unfortunately, it's out of my hands. It's got to come from higher up.
01:10:00Well, I'll tell you what I will do. I'll send you all out today in pairs, so that you can
01:10:05watch each other's step.
01:10:07And my report goes in sharp at three o'clock. That's all, Sergeant.
01:10:11Yes, miss.
01:10:17And as for you, Sergeant Wilkins, this is the limit. I'm applying for your transfer.
01:10:22Yes, sir. Now, what about these boys? They're only beginners, you know?
01:10:25Still trying to protect them. Why? Now, I want a straight answer this time, and that's an order.
01:10:30All right, sir. I'll give you an answer.
01:10:32I have been in the force a long time, but I still remember the bloomers that I made when I
01:10:36was also as green as grass.
01:10:38What's that got to do with it?
01:10:39It's got everything to do with it.
01:10:42Sir.
01:10:43Now, what's the use?
01:10:44I don't believe in wet nursing them either, but I do believe that we should forget about the rulebook sometimes,
01:10:49particularly when it's an emergency like this.
01:10:51And that, sir, is all.
01:10:53And that, Sergeant, is quite enough.
01:10:55Now, if you don't mind, I'll get on with writing my report.
01:10:58Sir.
01:11:02And you.
01:11:10Don't worry. It may never happen.
01:11:12It has happened. I'm on me way.
01:11:14Oh, I'll miss you.
01:11:18You're a very fine colleague.
01:11:20Thanks, Laura.
01:11:22You never called me that before.
01:11:24I have, hundreds of times.
01:11:25No, you haven't.
01:11:27You know something?
01:11:28What?
01:11:29All of a sudden, I'm going to miss you, too.
01:11:32Do you really mean that, Frank?
01:11:33No, you never called me that before.
01:11:35I've wanted to, hundreds of times.
01:11:38Well, how about that?
01:11:39All this time, I didn't even know that you thought I was alive.
01:11:41Ah, what's the use?
01:11:43In a couple of days, he'll have me posted miles away
01:11:45to some dead-and-alive hole helping cows across the village street.
01:11:48Oh, it's a scandal.
01:11:50An officer of your experience being sacrificed
01:11:52to the incompetence of that conniving little...
01:11:54Oh, why ask for it?
01:11:55I can't complain.
01:11:56I've had me say.
01:11:57I've had a run for me money.
01:11:58Oh, but Frank, it's...
01:11:59How's the roster going in?
01:12:00You still trying to get a quart into a pint pot?
01:12:03Something like that.
01:12:04Let's see if we can work something out together.
01:12:07All right.
01:12:08Let's do that.
01:12:11Suppose we made a lot of arrests during the day.
01:12:14Do you think we'd make old Mills change his mind?
01:12:16What mind?
01:12:17Oh, Benson.
01:12:18We've got to do something.
01:12:20I need this job.
01:12:24Motorists.
01:12:25I bet we could bag a dozen if we really tried.
01:12:28That wouldn't help, Potter.
01:12:29We are for it.
01:12:30That's all there is to it.
01:12:36Benson.
01:12:36Benson, oh, ma'am.
01:12:37The car.
01:12:38What car?
01:12:39You mean the thieves' car?
01:12:41How could you possibly know, yes, that you couldn't even describe it?
01:12:44Bent on rear left, my guard.
01:12:46Suddenly, it all came back to me.
01:12:48Potter, I beg you.
01:12:49This is a critical moment in our careers.
01:12:51Are you sure?
01:12:53Positive.
01:12:54Right.
01:13:01This doesn't prove anything except they dumped it here.
01:13:04Oh, gosh, that's right.
01:13:05They must be well away by now, out of the country.
01:13:08No, wait, Potter.
01:13:09That's exactly what they want us to believe, that they're out of the country.
01:13:13The cunning bounders.
01:13:15What'll we do?
01:13:16I've got it.
01:13:18I know exactly where those crooks are hiding out.
01:13:21Benson, where?
01:13:23Here, in this very area.
01:13:26Of course.
01:13:27They want us to put out a nationwide search, when all the time they're...
01:13:30Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.
01:13:33Brilliant.
01:13:34I have to hand it to you.
01:13:36But we are not handing it to anyone else.
01:13:38Now, listen.
01:13:38This is ours.
01:13:40We need the kudos of capturing them by three o'clock.
01:13:43Capturing them?
01:13:43Oh, Lord, if only we could.
01:13:45You call the station.
01:13:48Only tell them about the car.
01:13:49They'll have it towed to the yard for a lab test.
01:13:51I'll get Charlie and Gorse off the beat, and we'll meet you back here.
01:13:54Roger.
01:13:54Right.
01:13:56Police station?
01:13:57Yes, Potter.
01:13:59Right.
01:14:00They found the car in Church Road.
01:14:02Sergeant, they found the car.
01:14:05Yep, they found the car.
01:14:06Then take it away from them, before they smother it with fingerprints.
01:14:08All right, Zoe.
01:14:09Then I'm away.
01:14:12Police station?
01:14:13Michael.
01:14:31Right.
01:14:31Now we can get cracking.
01:14:32No, we can't.
01:14:33Don't be ridiculous.
01:14:34We'll never find them.
01:14:35Beside, the omens are all against us.
01:14:36Oh, shut up about your omens.
01:14:38Gorse.
01:14:39Have you thought of anywhere they might be hiding?
01:14:40Why, yes.
01:14:41There's a street not far from here.
01:14:43It's full of tatty lodging houses.
01:14:44Awful thoroughfare.
01:14:45Well, what's it called?
01:14:47Well, it's known locally as the street of a thousand mouse holes.
01:14:52Follow me.
01:15:02A hundred and fifty houses checked, not a sausage.
01:15:05I told you this with the wild goose chase, didn't I?
01:15:07The omens.
01:15:08If you say one more word about the supernatural...
01:15:10Now look here.
01:15:11You cannot silence a voice of truth with empty threats, Benson.
01:15:14I told you, all of you, that this assignment was doomed from the moment we arrived.
01:15:18And now we're done.
01:15:20Done proper.
01:15:22Done crisp.
01:15:25Fault and hush a moment.
01:15:27Look yonder.
01:15:28That house been empty for years.
01:15:30They're going to pull it down.
01:15:32If it doesn't fall down first.
01:15:34Gentlemen, look rather more closely.
01:15:37There.
01:15:38It could be.
01:15:39Oh, never.
01:15:40Somebody just backed in to turn around, that's all.
01:15:43We've simply got to check on it.
01:15:44I'm game.
01:15:45Come on then.
01:15:46Shh.
01:15:51Shh.
01:15:54Shh.
01:16:30You and your mastermind.
01:16:32I told you we was crazy to hide out of you.
01:16:35Tired of the stately home already, are you?
01:16:36Am I?
01:16:37Then how about leaving?
01:16:38Very soon.
01:16:39And copper's you to fall.
01:16:44Sticky-y.
01:17:10Shh.
01:17:12Shh. Yes, all right.
01:17:48Shh. Really, do you have to...
01:17:52Hmm?
01:17:53Big part.
01:17:53Damn it!
01:17:56Oh!
01:17:58Oh!
01:18:00Oh!
01:18:00Oh!
01:18:04Oh!
01:18:05Oh!
01:18:05Oh, boy, drop the unipost.
01:18:07Let's get out of here.
01:18:10Ah!
01:18:11Ah!
01:18:13Ah!
01:18:14Ah!
01:18:14Come on!
01:18:16Whoo!
01:18:18Ah!
01:18:20Ah!
01:18:20Whoa!
01:18:25I've got him.
01:18:26I've got him.
01:18:29Why, you?
01:18:30Come back here.
01:18:31Come back!
01:18:31You fool!
01:18:39Ridiculous!
01:18:40The whole thing is absurd.
01:19:15He wasn't afraid, Edmund.
01:19:17I was rushing in like that.
01:19:20Actually, the real turning point was when I found out that your birthday was August the 24th.
01:19:25August?
01:19:26Whatever gave you that idea?
01:19:32You... you mean that you're...
01:19:34Passworthy! Switchboard!
01:19:36Yes, Sergeant.
01:19:43Sergeant, you told me August the 24th.
01:19:46Oh, well, does it make any difference?
01:19:49Surely you're not that superstitious.
01:19:57Superstitious?
01:20:00Me?
01:20:02Just one moment, sir.
01:20:03Connecting to NASA.
01:20:07Hello?
01:20:08Shh!
01:20:09Listen!
01:20:10Oh, hello, Chief Constable.
01:20:12Hello, Mills.
01:20:14Well, you've certainly shown you can inspire recruits.
01:20:17Oh, thank you, sir.
01:20:18So much so, I've decided to transfer you immediately to the area college in charge of morale and discipline.
01:20:24I don't know what to say, sir.
01:20:26Tell Sergeant Wilkins to take over the station, will you, Mills?
01:20:29Temporarily, sir, of course.
01:20:30No, he's being promoted to inspector at once.
01:20:33I'm so glad, sir.
01:20:35He's just a man for the job.
01:20:36Goodbye, Mills.
01:20:37Goodbye, sir, and thank you.
01:20:44I want everybody in here immediately.
01:20:45I've got some news for you.
01:20:47All right, line up behind, Thurston.
01:20:55What this station needs is a bit of discipline.
01:20:57Right, then!
01:20:59We go!
01:21:07Harrison!
01:21:08What?
01:21:09Over here, sir.
01:21:12Harrison!
01:21:19What?
01:21:21Apparently!
01:21:21Something everywhere.
01:21:21Oh couple people.
01:21:24Pronunciation ISSue.
01:21:24This has one thing together.
01:21:25Give us an object specification.
01:21:25Go,Will.
01:21:25Oh, no!
01:21:26I'm kidding.
01:21:26I don't know who comes else.
01:21:26This is a weird story.
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