- 6 hours ago
مسلسل According to Jim مترجم - Episode 1
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00:01Hey, I thought you were playing with the girls.
00:03I am.
00:04But they're outside, and you're in here.
00:08Well, we're playing Frozen Guy.
00:10You see, I'm frozen, and the only way I get thawed out is by the girls playing in the backyard.
00:16That sounds a lot like Hammock Guy.
00:20No, Cheryl. Hammock Guy, I'm outside, and they play in here.
00:28Whoa! Whoa!
00:29Are you fed up yet, Daddy?
00:31Oh, cold, brr.
00:34Play harder, play harder.
00:35Oh, it was so cold.
00:38It's frozen.
00:44So when are we going to eat?
00:46I don't know.
00:47You better ask your wife, because Frozen Gal is going to sit her ass down and read the paper.
00:59It's fun playing with the kids, isn't it?
01:14Hey, Ruby, how do you like my new tie for my first day of kindergarten?
01:18It's my first day of kindergarten.
01:19Hey, maybe you're in the same class.
01:22Cool.
01:23Morning, everybody.
01:24Hey.
01:25Dana.
01:25Hello.
01:26Do I look tired?
01:27More haggard than tired.
01:30Because I was on the phone half the night with our little brother.
01:33Yeah, Dana.
01:34Today is my first day of kindergarten.
01:35I know.
01:36It's so exciting.
01:37What a big girl you are.
01:39I have a vagina.
01:42Me, too.
01:43That means we have to work twice as hard as a man to earn the same money.
01:50Hey, do you girls want to go watch TV?
01:53Yeah.
01:53Yeah.
01:55So you're on the phone with Andy.
01:56Yeah, he and Carrie had a huge fight.
01:58She said he broke her hair dryer.
02:00He said it was normal wear and tear.
02:01Fight, fight, fight.
02:02Now she's back in her own apartment.
02:03It's turned into one of those stupid couple fights, like the time you closed the car door on me.
02:07You told me to shut it.
02:08Why would I tell you to shut the car door when I'm still getting out of the car?
02:12I have no idea, but you told me to shut it.
02:14Okay, focus.
02:16We love Carrie.
02:17Carrie, she's great for Andy.
02:19She's smart.
02:19She's sweet.
02:20She's caring.
02:21She's great in a sack.
02:24Andy's got a big mouth.
02:26I don't know.
02:26He told me.
02:27I mean...
02:28All right, so what are we going to do?
02:29All right, how about this?
02:32How about we try to get through today the best we can?
02:35And then try to get some sleep tonight, if we can.
02:40And then in the morning we get up and do the same thing over and over again.
02:45They'll Carrie and Andy work this thing out for themselves.
02:50Let's ignore Jim.
02:52If we can.
02:57Honey, would you please talk to Andy for me?
03:00You're saying that like a question, but it really isn't, is it?
03:04No.
03:06All right, I'll talk to Andy.
03:08Will you do something for me?
03:09Anything.
03:10All right.
03:11I got all day to think about it.
03:16Andy, I've been going over your plans for the Patterson house.
03:19Is there a problem?
03:21Well, kind of.
03:22There's no door.
03:24So, unless the Pattersons were actually born in the house...
03:28I'm sorry, Jim.
03:30I'm all screwed up from this Carrie thing.
03:32Thrown up twice already.
03:35Need a Tic Tac?
03:39All right.
03:41Okay.
03:43Your sisters want me to talk to you about Carrie.
03:45I really miss her.
03:48What are you going to do?
03:49I don't know.
03:52So, we've had our talk, right?
03:53Yeah.
03:53Okay.
03:57So, how did Ruby's first day of school go?
03:59Oh, not good.
04:00When I tried to leave, she ran after me sobbing.
04:02Really?
04:03Yeah.
04:03What happened to the Andy?
04:04Ah, pretty much the same thing.
04:06And then he threw up.
04:09You know, the guy misses Carrie.
04:12Where did I put the screwdriver?
04:16No.
04:18No.
04:19Sharp.
04:22Here.
04:29You know, I really think we need to get Andy and Carrie in the same room together.
04:33Hey, how about we have them over for dinner?
04:34Great.
04:35You don't need me here for that, do you?
04:38Okay.
04:39Settle down.
04:40Inside voices.
04:41Inside voices.
04:43So, what did you end up doing with Ruby?
04:45What could I do?
04:46I stayed.
04:47I sat outside her classroom on a tiny little bench until three.
04:51Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
04:53You know what?
04:53It's just her first day.
04:55It's not like she's going to be hanging on to your skirt the rest of her life like me.
05:02Come on, stop.
05:02Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
05:05Sit up.
05:05Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
05:07Time out.
05:07Time out.
05:08Everybody, time out.
05:10You on the couch.
05:13You on the chair.
05:14Oh.
05:15Oh, yeah.
05:16Someday you're going to beg for five minutes alone in a chair with nothing to do.
05:27Oh, look at us.
05:29Eight o'clock at night and we're Arnie in our pajamas.
05:34Yeah.
05:37You want to have sex?
05:41Yeah.
05:44That's good to know.
05:50Oh, what am I going to do about Ruby?
05:53I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
05:56I don't know, but honey, we got to do something.
05:58Because I can't keep taking the kids to work with me.
06:00I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day.
06:02And the little one?
06:04Gracie.
06:04Right.
06:06She keeps answering the phone.
06:08Hello, I have a vagina.
06:12Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
06:15And yet her teacher said, starting tomorrow, I'm not allowed to stay anymore.
06:19I mean, my daughter is screaming bloody murder and I'm supposed to just leave?
06:22I can't do that.
06:24Then I'll do it.
06:27You're going to take Ruby to school?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Well, yeah, she needs somebody tough.
06:32Somebody who can say adios and walk away.
06:34Oh.
06:35And that's you.
06:36Yeah, that's me, honey.
06:37Come on, let's face it.
06:39It's a scientific fact.
06:40I mean, I read it in an article in Playboy.
06:44Men are better at separating than women.
06:47I mean, look at how many of us walk out on our crying wives.
06:52You know what strength that takes?
06:55You know, that's interesting because I read just the opposite in last month's issue of
07:00Jugs.
07:05Nobody reads the articles in Jugs, honey.
07:09Now, come on, I'm serious here.
07:11Men are tougher.
07:12I mean, honey, I know you did the best job you could, but you got too emotional.
07:16But that's okay.
07:17You're a woman.
07:19That's what we love about you guys.
07:22But in a situation like this, you got to be a rock and walk away.
07:26I'm not leaving.
07:27You're not staying.
07:28I can stay here.
07:29What's the matter, staying in the hall?
07:31It's no big deal.
07:31Oh, what's this about?
07:33Oh, you need support, don't you?
07:34I'm not leaving, baby.
07:35I'm not leaving.
07:36I'm not my daughter.
07:37Hey, let's just talk about this for a second, okay?
07:46Gotta hand it to Jim.
07:48He really handled this whole school thing, just like he said he would.
07:51Dishes for the ladies.
07:54For the last couple of days, he's been taking Ruby to school and leaving
07:58work to pick up at 3.
07:59What?
08:00He doesn't show up to work till after 3.30.
08:04He's not coming into work till when?
08:09I must not speak when I'm with people.
08:13Why would Jim be coming into work late every day?
08:17Maybe he's having an affair.
08:26Oh, my God.
08:293 o'clock.
08:31Taking Ruby to school and picking her up to lighten my load.
08:36Jim's ever worried about my load before.
08:39Dana, he's been sitting outside Ruby's classroom.
08:41Just like you did?
08:43Yes.
08:43Oh, my God.
08:44Let's go bust it.
08:46No, no, no.
08:46This is all mine.
08:50Dana, if you ever get married, you will come to realize that these are the moments you savor.
08:59Cheryl, you said if.
09:01I meant when.
09:04All right.
09:05The embalmers removed the stomach and other organs through a cut in the lower abdomen.
09:12Did that.
09:14They then inserted hooks into the nostrils and pulled out the brain.
09:20Did that.
09:23Oh, hey, girls.
09:24Here.
09:25We didn't do this yet.
09:26Then they stuffed the mummy's mouth with exotic Egyptian stuff, which we now know as corn chips.
09:35Can we stuff your mouth with corn chips, Daddy?
09:38Well, okay.
09:40I mean, we're trying to keep it real and everything.
09:45Okay, go get the chips.
09:48Get the big bag.
09:55Why are you looking at me like that?
10:00Because I love you?
10:03No, I know that look.
10:06This is not that look.
10:09Maybe it's a look of gratitude.
10:12Well, yeah.
10:13Could be that.
10:14I wouldn't recognize that.
10:17You know, honey, I just never thanked you enough for taking over Ruby's school problem and handling it so well.
10:24Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
10:25It's no big deal, really.
10:26Sweetie, you seem nervous.
10:28Oh, I'm not nervous at all.
10:29Yeah.
10:30No, I just, I, it's, well, I'm a little nervous.
10:32It's about this dinner tonight.
10:34I want it to work.
10:35I mean, Carrie's so great, isn't she?
10:39You are so cute with your brain sucked out.
10:46Here you go, Daddy.
10:49The big bag.
11:02Oh, Carrie, don't worry.
11:04Andy'll be here soon.
11:06Right, Dana?
11:08I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
11:09It's a little noisy down at this end of the table.
11:15He's not coming.
11:17It's over.
11:19I blew it.
11:20Oh, sweetie.
11:30What?
11:32Is there a rule that says you can't eat when someone's crying?
11:36Hey, everyone.
11:37Andy.
11:38Hey, Andy.
11:39Sorry, I'm late, but I had to go to three different stores to find the right one.
11:44I don't want us to fight.
11:45Oh, neither do I.
11:49Oh, my God.
11:50It's exactly like the one you broke.
11:54Well, yeah, but...
11:57Yeah.
12:01Oh, lasagna, huh?
12:04I gotta tell you, Cheryl, your lasagna, I didn't break it.
12:09Yes, you did.
12:10No, I didn't.
12:11It was normal wear and tear.
12:13Normal wear and tear.
12:15Everything is wear and tear.
12:16I suppose Abraham Lincoln died from normal wear and tear.
12:20Well, he sure didn't die from being used 20 minutes on the high setting.
12:24Knock it off.
12:25Knock it off.
12:27This whole thing is upsetting my stomach.
12:29I can't eat.
12:32I mean, I can finish what's on my plate.
12:36I'm worried about dessert.
12:39Man, you know what?
12:39This is gonna be one of those fights you're gonna have your entire relationship.
12:43I mean, like Cheryl and I, we still fight about the time she asked me to close the car door
12:47on her, and I did.
12:48Jim, for God's sake, why would I ask you to...
12:50You see, she can't let it go.
12:53But we don't break up over it.
12:56You know, we talk.
12:58Communication is the key here.
13:01Donnie, you were right.
13:02Isn't he, Dana?
13:03Hmm.
13:06I can't think of anything we don't share.
13:09Can you?
13:13No, not off the top of my head, honey.
13:17Yeah, well, maybe you need to look a little deeper than the top.
13:21You know, maybe just below the sports scores, but right above the lyrics to Louie Louie.
13:28This is not that look of gratitude, is it?
13:31No.
13:33No.
13:33This is the look of you are totally busted for sitting outside Ruby's school.
13:39Oh, man, all right, all right, all right, all right.
13:42You were so full of it.
13:44You should have heard him.
13:45Women are so emotional.
13:46Men are so tough.
13:47He was quoting Playboy at me.
13:49Look, I got very emotional.
13:51You know, it was hard for me to leave.
13:52I was a big old girl.
13:56I have to know, honey.
13:58How did you get Mrs. Carter to let you stay?
14:00Mrs. Carter was my teacher at my old school.
14:03Mrs. School is my teacher now.
14:15Oh, yeah.
14:22Here's something you may or may not find funny.
14:26Uh, Ruby doesn't go to Havenhurst anymore.
14:30She goes to Emerson.
14:34What?
14:37Emerson is a very good school, honey.
14:46Well, thank you.
14:46Hey, who wants to go out for ice cream?
14:48Yay!
14:51Thanks, Cheryl.
14:53What flavor do you want?
15:03Honey, this lasagna is really good.
15:07Even the burnt pieces.
15:11Jim?
15:12Yes?
15:14You changed Ruby's school without telling me.
15:18Okay, honey.
15:20Ruby was hysterical, okay?
15:22Mrs. Carter told me to leave.
15:24I wouldn't.
15:25There was a struggle.
15:28Drinking fountain was inadvertently broken.
15:31They threw me out, and I took Ruby with me.
15:34I mean, what was I supposed to do?
15:35Walk away from a screaming child?
15:37You do it all the time around here.
15:41Honey.
15:42Honey.
15:44Honey.
15:44So, let me get this straight.
15:47Not only have you been lying to me,
15:49but my daughter's been lying to me?
15:51Whoa!
15:52Hold it right there.
15:54I did not tell Ruby to lie to you.
15:57All I said was, don't tell your mother.
16:01And I gave her some money.
16:05You bribed our daughter to lie to me?
16:07Honey, it was a dollar.
16:08You can't bug anything with a dollar.
16:11Oh!
16:11What?
16:12What?
16:13Ruby's happy at her school,
16:15and so I fixed the problem.
16:17How did you fix the problem?
16:19Ruby still can't stay at school alone.
16:21You're still sitting outside her classroom all day.
16:24It's just a different room.
16:29Hey, honey.
16:30Honey, I finally figured out what I want you to do for me.
16:35Do it yourself.
16:50Okay, baby.
16:53It's bedtime.
16:55Is Mommy mad?
16:58Well, yeah.
17:00Kind of.
17:01I'm sorry.
17:02I forgot.
17:03Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
17:06But you're probably going to have to give me the dollar back.
17:11No, really.
17:16Honey, I can't stay at school with you anymore.
17:20Can Mommy?
17:21Mm-mm.
17:22Why?
17:23Well, it's kind of like that stone song.
17:25You can't always get what you want.
17:27And what you want is Mommy and Daddy to be around you all the time,
17:30like when you were little.
17:32But you can't.
17:34You know, you've got to kind of do some things on your own.
17:38And one of those things would be to stay in school by yourself.
17:42What's the stones?
17:44The Rolling Stones?
17:46Brown sugar?
17:47Jump and Jack Flash?
17:48Anything for the devil?
17:51Oh, baby.
17:54You've got a lot of great music ahead of you.
17:59So, the dollar?
18:08Good night.
18:26Uh, I didn't know if you wanted me to do the dishes or not.
18:32So, I didn't.
18:33I meant to be a lot of great music.
18:33It's all that.
18:38I mean, I didn't know if you wanted me to do the dishes.
18:38Yeah?
18:45Oh, and I'm not going to do the dishes.
18:53No, and I don't know.
18:55I'm going to have a lot of great music.
18:55Oh, man.
19:10Well, I guess it's time for a drum solo.
19:19Now we're going to slow it down, little Spice Girls.
19:24Stop right there.
19:26Thank you very much.
19:28I just want a huge...
19:41All right.
19:43I was going to tell you about changing Ruby's school,
19:47but it just kind of snowballed, you know?
19:49And then a couple days went by, and it was just...
19:55I could have told you, honey.
19:59Jim, we're partners in this thing.
20:02It's not just you.
20:05I know.
20:07You know what, though?
20:07But, you know, Ruby's going to have days where she's going to be on her own,
20:13and she's going to feel alone and scared, and we're not going to be there.
20:16And this time I was there.
20:19You know, I did the same thing you did.
20:22I mean, you probably wouldn't have broke the drinking fountain, but...
20:31I don't know, honey.
20:35The secret is to hold on to the lockers while they're dragging you away.
20:45You're always smarter than me.
20:49God, you're a beautiful woman.
20:53God, you're a lucky man.
20:58Lucky?
20:59You're lucky.
21:05Honey?
21:06Hmm?
21:07Why would I ask you to close the car door on me?
21:13Honey?
21:14Hmm?
21:14Why would I shut the car door on you if you didn't ask me?
21:20Okay.
21:23But why would I ask you?
21:25Honey, I really don't care if you ask me.
21:28I'm not that stupid, honey.
21:30If you said close the car door on me, I was trying to be...
21:38lots of cool moments I'd be so at home.
21:38And then let's go, and stay back in my face.
21:38Maybe the answer can be okay.
21:39But then I'm sure some people aren't saying from what I'm asking.
21:39Oh, hi.
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