Normal Service. (1988)

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 2nd February 1988.  A Scottish TV station prepares for the broadcast of the 1964 election results.  Kenneth Cranham - Peter Richard Wilson - Max Martin Cochrane - Murray Frederick Warder - Ferdi Alex McCrindle - Wilf Tony Roper - Bruce Katy Murphy - Ishbel Stuart Davids - Michael

Transcript

00:00:00Has anyone seen Eric? This pen needs gassing.

00:00:06We'll be talking to you, the Scottish electorate.

00:00:09Join Mario Cosimado on...

00:00:11That's okay for live home.

00:00:14Sparks!

00:00:16Sparks, get my phone, please!

00:00:17I've had you a phone, come on!

00:00:20Find that lamp there for me.

00:00:23My pan's all right.

00:00:26Hold it.

00:00:30This is Murray

00:00:34And Wilfred

00:00:35Bernie

00:00:37Peter the Boss

00:00:40Bruce Moody

00:00:41Ishmael

00:00:43Who's pregnant

00:00:43Keep your eyes on old Maxwell

00:00:46Bobby Bruin

00:00:47Michael

00:00:49Who's your boy

00:00:53Who'll save it

00:00:57Tonight

00:01:08Tonight

00:01:09Now look, I don't care what Mr High and Mighty says. I'm not parading up and down underneath these lights

00:01:14with this coat on.

00:01:16I hear a smell of it

00:01:19It's honking

00:01:21Stick your nose in it

00:01:25What point was that one again?

00:01:27Does that not remind you of something?

00:01:28Thanks

00:01:30Do you remember that day we all went to Calder Park Zoo?

00:01:34Remember one of the llamas had diarrhea and you were feeding chocolate biscuits?

00:01:40Gavin, I'm talking to you. Would you stop footering with those goblets?

00:01:45Sit up straight

00:02:08What do you mean about your rays, Wilfred?

00:02:13Last time I take over one of our t-shirts?

00:02:15What?

00:02:16What do you mean about your rays, Wilfred?

00:02:16The lip you get from these directors?

00:02:20Bunch of incompetent Nancy boys

00:02:24Any phone calls, mate?

00:02:26One or two

00:02:27All wishing me bon voyage

00:02:28Nice of your ass for them

00:02:30Don't you stop

00:02:31I've had a belly full for one morning

00:02:34I've got to take these joiners out and shoot the lot of them

00:02:36Bunch of card-carrying buried Buckner lights

00:02:39Peter in, yeah?

00:02:42Not surprised friend Archie went off sick

00:02:45You there, Peter?

00:02:46You know his wife's laughing him, don't you?

00:02:48It's no excuse for being late

00:02:51Mine left me six months back

00:02:53My tanky bean's never been in question

00:02:54No, no, Archie's wife

00:02:57Washed all his medication down the toilet

00:03:00Set fire to the carpets

00:03:02Bunged the TV and the freezer out the back for the bin men before she helped her

00:03:08According to one source that is

00:03:11Design Jack and Ellie speaking

00:03:12Hello, graphics

00:03:16There's supposed to be a workshop man with this bloody contraption

00:03:19Oh, really?

00:03:20No, it must be a fault in my life

00:03:22No, no, the boss man's not around you

00:03:23Do you want a word with the ego?

00:03:25Who is it?

00:03:25Like she's a special studio bean

00:03:27Beverly, what's her name?

00:03:29Workshop man, don't worry

00:03:30Aye, something like that

00:03:31She wants to know what's happened to that swing-o-meter you promised her

00:03:33What's swing-o-meter?

00:03:35Vulcan junior

00:03:36Heated metal oblique

00:03:38Foil caption printer

00:03:42Oh, sweetheart Ferdy

00:03:44Anything's knackered?

00:03:46I don't care what Bob Mackenzie's got on the BBC

00:03:48You're not working for auntie now, gorgeous

00:03:51It's the first I've heard of any swing-o-meter

00:03:53What's it look like?

00:03:54You haven't attacked her to wear one of your suitcases for something to read in the boat, have you?

00:03:57Put your horny metza out of there, you nosy old geek

00:04:00Aye, well, that sounds to me like the fanciful product of a sick mind, honey bunch

00:04:03I've got a full range of Archie's working drawings laid out in front of me and there's nothing remotely resembling

00:04:08what you've just described on any of the sheets

00:04:11What's his precise function this key got?

00:04:15That's what you're looking for?

00:04:16Beat it, you

00:04:16Well, doesn't you ring any bells, Bertie?

00:04:19Like I say, Archie's famous in here for shooting a line

00:04:22Where'd you get this?

00:04:23Why am I on top of your desk? Surprised you didn't see it

00:04:32Are you still there, beautiful?

00:04:33One of my colleagues has just backed up what I've been telling you

00:04:36Same thing happened about a month back on Kalyard Kitchenette

00:04:39Only that involved a phantom pressure cooker

00:04:41I'll let you guess who wasn't too popular at the scene shifters tea break that morning

00:04:45Murray's nodding away here

00:04:46You're hoping to get a set of insulated tongs you could let us have, Jack and Ernie

00:04:49No, no chance of that, darling

00:04:50Nobody could reach a bugger since he went off sick

00:04:53He checks directly

00:04:54Yes, one or two wires hanging down underneath here to see them

00:04:58Look, just tell whoever's front in the show that Archie has screwed up yet again

00:05:02and would they mind very much making do with the forecasting facility we've always provided them with in the past

00:05:09No, no, animated captions

00:05:13Animated captions, Murray

00:05:14Insulated tongs, Ferdy

00:05:15Hold on, darling

00:05:16Don't mess me about, Murray

00:05:18I've got a newly appointed ex-BBC staff director

00:05:21now working for us from choice on the line

00:05:25Animated captions, yeah?

00:05:26Not me, mate

00:05:27You wouldn't have a word with Michael

00:05:30Michael? Who's Michael?

00:05:31Replacement for years, truly

00:05:33Started last Friday

00:05:35You must have seen him

00:05:36He's about 14

00:05:37Can't be much longer

00:05:38Just been informed that young Michael's been up all night working on them

00:05:42The animated captions

00:05:43You know his wife's left him, don't you?

00:05:45Morning, Murray

00:05:46Good Lord, I hadn't realised there were that many boxes in the country

00:05:49No, no, no

00:05:50Archie's wife

00:05:51Set a match to the family home, poisoned all the pets and took a hatchet to the furniture

00:05:55Morning, Ferdy

00:05:57I want a word of you, Peter

00:05:59Oh, really?

00:06:00I thought the whole place knew about it

00:06:02How did you find your respective polling stations?

00:06:05Ours was like a mausoleum

00:06:07Aye, fine

00:06:08Well, next time the buggers go to the country, we'll get you two swingometers

00:06:11How's that?

00:06:12Ciao

00:06:16Hey, Peter

00:06:16Have you seen the price of pitty sandals, Ferdy?

00:06:20It's outrageous

00:06:21Never hit her bloody sandals

00:06:24I've just had that hyphenated girlfriend of yours

00:06:27Chew my ear off about some fictitious apparatus that prodigy of yours promised her before he went off sick

00:06:32Be with you in a tick, Ferdy

00:06:33Have you done these Bobby Bruin captions of Bruce Mooney, Murray?

00:06:37How was that, Max?

00:06:39Now, as you were, my mistake, it was Michael

00:06:41I'm perfectly willing, even at this late stage, to cover for Archie and knock out some working drawings

00:06:46It's the joiners that are the real niggers in the woodpile

00:06:50Well, they are

00:06:51What are you looking at us like that for?

00:06:53Oh, Christ, aye, sorry

00:06:55Your latest one's black, isn't he?

00:06:57It's a he, isn't it?

00:06:58Dominic happens to be Tahitian, which is neither here nor there, Ferdy

00:07:02I try to run a liberal ship

00:07:05What do you mean, my hyphenated girlfriend?

00:07:07I've no deuce getting through to this bastard

00:07:10Not just now, Wilfred

00:07:11Is Michael out there? Peter Haig?

00:07:14Would you want a tear of coffee?

00:07:15Oh, hello, Beverly

00:07:16I'll get you a coffee

00:07:17A what, sorry?

00:07:18Workshop manual

00:07:20Ferdy?

00:07:21Is Ferdy out there, Murray?

00:07:23Can't see him, Peter

00:07:30Morning, Murray, son

00:07:36Making good the old escape kit, I see

00:07:40Sorry I'm late, Pietro

00:07:41Well, the old dear got a walking frame jammed in one of the booths

00:07:45Had to get the returning officer to cut her free with his blowtorch

00:07:47Shut up you, Max

00:07:49Compton to marry a hunchback in the downstairs lobby

00:07:51He was showing me his new catalogues

00:07:53Some very nice goose-down leggings in one of them, ladies and gents

00:07:57Don't you get yourself a pair?

00:08:00Old Archie's still in absentium, I notice

00:08:03Max

00:08:04Big place to Canada

00:08:05I was just saying to the old dear last night

00:08:07If she and I were ten years younger

00:08:09We could persuade the post office to airmail our pension out every week

00:08:12We could do a lot worse than joining you in the missus in the land of the caribou and maple

00:08:16jelly

00:08:18Morning, Peter

00:08:19I just had Studio B on the blower

00:08:21Hold on a sec, little son

00:08:23There's a lad with very bad impotigo standing in your constituency

00:08:26He was on the box last night

00:08:27Used to be our milk boy

00:08:29Short of sawing his face off

00:08:30There's not a lot they can do about it

00:08:32Don't, whatever you do, vote for him

00:08:36The old losses and gains captions, Pietro

00:08:39That'll be young Michael's brief

00:08:42Not arrived yet, the lad

00:08:44I'll see he gets a good tongue lashing when he does get here

00:08:48Old Murray used to be a great deal later than this when he first started

00:08:51Now hang about

00:08:52I don't suppose you and the missus even bother casting your votes, Murray, son

00:08:56Quite right, complete waste of ballot papers

00:08:59Waste waiting till you sat down in the Dominions

00:09:03What was she doing with her day off to school?

00:09:05It was a cross-visit to Archie

00:09:08I thought it was woodwork she taught, that's interesting

00:09:10She and Betty her chums, are they?

00:09:12It doesn't have to be overly grand, Mac

00:09:14Family across the back green from us, they all went out there in the fifties

00:09:17Couple of big caption boards bodged together

00:09:19And some kind of pointed thingy that sort of swings

00:09:22Big squad all the name of Murray

00:09:23Sorry Pietro, they're standing by for these shinty results

00:09:26Young Eric Murray, he got trampled to death at the Calgary Stampede

00:09:30And two of the older lads are on to make a lot of money from boiled sweets

00:09:33Murray, if I did a little thumbnail sketch, do you think you could possibly...

00:09:37Yeah, definitely a land of opportunity

00:09:39I realise it's your last day, but if one of us did a little thumbnail sketch

00:09:43Look, you're caught this ringing, or do I hear a telephone?

00:09:45Making a wise decision, Murray son

00:09:47Nothing to keep you in this country

00:09:49Never had it so good to solve us, never had it at all

00:09:52Right, Wilfred?

00:09:54Did you ever get any word about that post you applied for out there?

00:09:59Um, paste-up artist, wasn't it?

00:10:02Remind me not to mention you in my farewell speech

00:10:05It was for art director in a top agency in Toronto

00:10:08Sounds very much like a matching tie in hanky position there, old son

00:10:12Talk to Mario Hunchback, he'll kick you out all right

00:10:15Cheers

00:10:16As long as the missus has got a job to go to, that's the main thing

00:10:19Let you have a scout around at your leisure, doesn't it?

00:10:41Morning, Ishmael

00:10:45My God, when did this happen?

00:10:47If I left this and fixed soon, I'm going to do this in the landing

00:10:50Hold on love

00:10:52Oh, thanks, you're a pal

00:10:55We don't want these to cockle, do we?

00:10:57Is that you, Michael?

00:10:58We never got the chance to say hello to you and Moira

00:11:00She was on the same bus

00:11:01It's me, Peter

00:11:02Here's your nice tailor

00:11:04Michael

00:11:04Does she do it herself, or do you get the corporation in?

00:11:07You and hubby vote this morning, sweetheart

00:11:09Yeah, I voted to stay in bed when he voted

00:11:11I should get up and cook him his breakfast

00:11:13I lost in a recount

00:11:14Yes, I did realise there's a double helping of Bobby Bruins shows today, Bruce

00:11:18I do have a note here

00:11:20Morning, Peter

00:11:21No, don't get up

00:11:22If that's the dawn of your phone, Peter

00:11:24Would you ask the wee chap with a missing thumbs if he's got a Yankee screwdriver he's no using?

00:11:29No, I'll let young Michael take care of those, Bruce

00:11:31New chap, terribly keen

00:11:34Max has got all the tartan sport captions to finish

00:11:36You know, you've got a big bulky spot on top of your head

00:11:39It kind of lights up when you touch something alive

00:11:41Hang on, Bruce

00:11:42What sort of time do you call this, Ishbell?

00:11:44I've got Mooney on the phone, he's having a fit

00:11:45Why didn't someone let me know he's doing two Bobby Bruins this afternoon?

00:11:48Because someone didn't know herself, did she?

00:11:51Sorry about that, Bruce

00:11:52Young Michael just strolled into the office, brandishing the fistful of captions

00:11:56What time did you first run to?

00:11:58To talk you off, find a chip-a-lattie

00:11:59Stand fast there, get one of the chipies to chit about this rise we're getting

00:12:03We've got this lodger, Peter

00:12:04I'll have to give him the heave-ho, his feet are freezing

00:12:07Let me pass those times on to Michael

00:12:09Hang on

00:12:11Go away, Wilfred

00:12:12I'm just away at the prop store, be done

00:12:14Just in the nick of time, Murray, son

00:12:15I'll have a dish of the old Lapsang shoeshine

00:12:18Just a wee spindle

00:12:19Now, behave

00:12:20I'll put your chin back on

00:12:26Making a big mistake, the lad, don't you think so, Wilf?

00:12:29Old Murray, big mistake

00:12:31Ankle deep up to your waistband and snowdress all the year round out there, so I'm told

00:12:35Stay

00:12:36You and Robert ever thought of immigrating Isbell?

00:12:39Yeah, we could dump this at the customs

00:12:41What's keeping you, Isbell?

00:12:42Do you think they'll make a go of it, Chris, there, him and Moira?

00:12:44You want to have seen the hairdo

00:12:46Couldn't have picked a wuss time, Isbell, love

00:12:47I was talking to a wee chap at the bus stop

00:12:49He's just got back

00:12:50They're eating uncooked huskies in the streets of Toronto at this very moment, apparently

00:12:55Shut up there, Max

00:12:55Did he get that job he was after?

00:12:57What was it he called?

00:12:58Pasta partners, no idea, love

00:13:00All I know is he's giving up a very cushy number in here

00:13:02And a very nice flat on the south side

00:13:04You've ever been up there, Pietro?

00:13:05Didn't you hear me calling?

00:13:06Nipped down to the canteen, bring me up a bacon roll and a black coffee

00:13:09There's a good girl

00:13:11Oh, sorry, I was looking for this girl you were talking to

00:13:15Used to be Mario Hunchback's weekend apartment

00:13:17Prior to his cartilage operation

00:13:19All right, all right

00:13:22The old Tear and I get married up there for one of the Hunchback autumn sales

00:13:25We want to see the way Mario had the joint

00:13:27Brick effect wallpaper, sunken lounge, eye-level WC

00:13:30I'm in the prop store if anyone's looking for me

00:13:32How's that, Pietro?

00:13:35The lettering isn't normally that big, is it?

00:13:38It's the hard of hearing, old son

00:13:39I quite often refer to Winnie in that way

00:13:42She's never objected

00:13:43Of course, Murray and his missus have done it over since they moved in

00:13:45It's all jaggy carpets and day-glow beanbags nowadays

00:13:48If young Michael hasn't showed up, I...

00:13:51Good grief, that's number the time, is it?

00:13:54I'm in the prop store

00:13:55Have you ever eaten your supper off a beanbag, Welford?

00:13:58It's indecent

00:13:59Going to get that for me, Max?

00:14:01Yeah, what is, Belle, love?

00:14:03Seems to be under a bit of pressure at the moment, old Pietro

00:14:06Seen a lot of that in the wrath

00:14:08The inevitable consequences of premature upgrading

00:14:10Don't you think so, Welford?

00:14:13Like taking a sprog off bullying cat badges

00:14:16And putting him in charge of Bomber Command

00:14:17Treat her head's office

00:14:19What the hell, you bastard?

00:14:21Would you hold on, please?

00:14:23Is there a part for rompers out there?

00:14:25Unless Wilfred's got it, Ish-Bell

00:14:27I'm afraid Peter's not available just at the moment

00:14:29Try the canteen, bye

00:14:32It had a wee rabbit in the front

00:14:34It's got a wee rabbit in the front, Wilfred

00:14:35Just put it down the next thing, it's vanished

00:14:38Oh, those'll be nice, Ish-Bell

00:14:39As long as you weren't happy enough to take his dungarees off during the tea break

00:14:43You've got to see that canteen

00:14:44It's full of prospective candidates, huxlers and comic singers

00:14:48Well, those'll be nice, love

00:14:50As long as you weren't happy enough to take...

00:14:51Cedric, have you seen it?

00:14:52Wouldn't a living it cost me?

00:14:53Just saying to Wilfred you couldn't have timed it better, Murray son

00:14:57You and big Moira

00:14:58He was talking to a chap at the bus stop

00:14:59Tell him about the husky bankers

00:15:01You'll not find whatever you're looking for in there, sweetheart

00:15:03Tell him about the what?

00:15:05I think I'll take a trip to the prop store

00:15:07You take my calls, Wilfred

00:15:09Could you bring me back a launch sausage and some pineapple chunks?

00:15:11Thanks, I'll get you some money

00:15:14If that's Bruce Mooney, I've got these two Gisha paintings they ordered

00:15:18Thanks, Murray son

00:15:20Graphics, Murray Henderson

00:15:21Would you ask him just to butter the underside of the bread

00:15:24And put the chunks on top of the sausage?

00:15:26Oh, you rotter

00:15:27Look, pull yourself together

00:15:28Look, here's Ish-Bell, okay?

00:15:31Who am I talking to?

00:15:36Hello?

00:15:39Hello?

00:15:41Sounds like there's somebody crying at the other end

00:15:43It's, um, Michael

00:15:45Michael?

00:15:46Oh, our Michael

00:15:48Hello, is that you, Michael?

00:15:50What do you suppose he's crying for?

00:15:52Is it because you're late?

00:15:55He says he's phoning from the hospital

00:15:58Are you hurt?

00:15:59His wife's having one of them things that you're having

00:16:01What is that, a craze or something?

00:16:03Oh, I see

00:16:05It's his wife

00:16:06She's having a baby

00:16:07Don't tell her to hurry up

00:16:08Has she had it and you've seen it and you don't like the look of it?

00:16:10Is that what you're crying for?

00:16:13I see

00:16:15It's due any minute between nine and six o'clock tonight

00:16:17He's crying with excitement

00:16:19Don't tell me

00:16:20Hello, Michael

00:16:22When she does have it, ask her if it's sore, will you?

00:16:26Hi, Murray

00:16:27All set, are we?

00:16:28God, I wish it weren't me

00:16:30No, really

00:16:31I'm Spearman Green at your striking out for the great unknown

00:16:36Hi, Toots

00:16:37Oh, Michael

00:16:39As far as I'm concerned, this is the great unknown

00:16:41It's not the Yukon we're going to

00:16:43Isn't it?

00:16:44Someone said they'd spotted your missus standing at the bus stop in some sort of beaver skin headgear

00:16:48Hey, listen

00:16:49Have you heard about poor old Archie's latest misfortune?

00:16:51You remember Betty, don't you?

00:16:53Betty Drinkwater

00:16:54Used to be my PA

00:16:55Betty got married to Archie

00:16:57Wedding of the year it was

00:16:58We had a stag night at the Royal Infirmary

00:17:00Stan Fyfe drank two bottles of beaver

00:17:03Well, she's left him

00:17:05Old Archie

00:17:06She's left him

00:17:08Betty buggered off and left him

00:17:10I could give up

00:17:11Hi, Bruce

00:17:12How's it going downstairs?

00:17:14No, don't ask

00:17:14Eric and Shona at each other's throats

00:17:17And Dobbins just relieved himself into Bobby's brand new cream booties

00:17:21Hey, listen, you don't fancy a pony skin travelling rug, do you?

00:17:25All right, where are they?

00:17:27Save on the parcel there

00:17:28I'm directing a show in Studio D, Murray, not some far front outpost of the Empire

00:17:32We'll be getting him on a cleft stick next

00:17:35This is someone's idea of a lark, I take it?

00:17:38Murray hunchbacked his pair for under a tenner

00:17:40Just thought I'd let you know

00:17:42Better what?

00:17:43No

00:17:44Pantaloons

00:17:46I'll have some of the lavender when you get the chance

00:17:4734 waist, long leg

00:17:49A pair of geishas

00:17:51He'd have sworn he said geishas just then

00:17:53No, really, I could

00:17:53Yeah, we got to pay for a wedding present

00:17:55We gave them to Robert's mum

00:17:56She steamed the butterflies off and lined the kitchen drawers with them

00:17:59This is welded, is it?

00:18:00Not the butterflies, the geishas

00:18:02That's a lid back on

00:18:04Bruce, the very man

00:18:06Let me get the paper off of those and you dispense the teas

00:18:09That's your bromide, Wilfred

00:18:11These normally retail around the 40 mark, Bruce

00:18:13But I'll break the rules of a lifetime and let you have them for 25

00:18:17Guineas, that is

00:18:18I take it he's addressing you

00:18:20You've got to be joking

00:18:21Having those hanging on the wall, Murray would have a leery

00:18:23Note that genuine tropical butterflies sanguished between the layers

00:18:27Clever race the nips

00:18:28You wouldn't see these in Timothy White's

00:18:30Terms are strictly cash, old son

00:18:32Steady on, I thought

00:18:33He told me

00:18:34I thought

00:18:34Smile, Bruce

00:18:35You're in candid camera

00:18:37All that intricate costume detail's been authenticated from library books

00:18:41I had to don special goggles for it

00:18:43Excuse me a sec, Max

00:18:44I don't recall ordering those

00:18:46Nobody ever does

00:18:48Peter Haig's office

00:18:50These are pictures, Max

00:18:51I paid these, old son

00:18:53After Hosukai, the highly thought of Nipponese artist

00:18:55This life story was serialised in a while, it's not so very far back

00:18:59Adrian Hill done the voiceover

00:19:00The wood blocks of Hosukai

00:19:03You don't mean Hokusai by any chance?

00:19:08I know who I mean, Bruce

00:19:10There's a check, make it out to cash

00:19:12Twenty-six pounds, six and six

00:19:13The brown paper's extra

00:19:14Aye, Ferdy

00:19:15Working hard, are we?

00:19:16Federation

00:19:18She's boldly with the local SNP candidate

00:19:20That's official

00:19:21That doesn't need polish him off, nothing will

00:19:23He'd have died in a wool unioness, our Archie

00:19:26My God, a director

00:19:27What can I do for you, Monet?

00:19:29I normally deputise when the big white chief goes and it's in

00:19:32He's not in there, is he?

00:19:34No, no, don't tell me

00:19:35I'm a full-scale mock-up of you Banks and Brays

00:19:38For that puppet show of yours

00:19:39Well, you cannae have them

00:19:40The joiners have run out of Harbour

00:19:42Don't sneer, Ferdy

00:19:43It's a tough little number, Bobby Bruin

00:19:45Small wonder Archie flaked out after the pilot

00:19:47I'm on six tranks a day myself

00:19:49And it is not a puppet show

00:19:51Derek and Shona are highly skilled at marrying her tears

00:19:54With her lifetime's manipulative experience behind them

00:19:56Cheeky bastard

00:19:57Talk about small wonders

00:19:59How's that fancy man?

00:20:00Are you still winching that dwarf from the Bluebell band dance?

00:20:03Oh, what's his name?

00:20:04You know what I mean, Murray

00:20:04He was sitting on your Moira's knee at the Tufty Club graduation party

00:20:07The Hague's had for their eldest

00:20:09Like Peter Brough and Archie Andrews

00:20:11Oh, where was it?

00:20:12If you're referring to Dixie, he is not

00:20:14That's it, that's Dixie the Fixie

00:20:15He's the only meant to be dancing he does

00:20:17Oh, that's a complaint he's got

00:20:18Oh, I see this guy

00:20:19It's like something you trip over in a grotto

00:20:21He happens to be well over five foot

00:20:23Now, don't call it

00:20:23What do you measure against a toast, though?

00:20:25Well over five foot, do you hear that, Murray?

00:20:27What do you mean Peter Brough and Archie Andrews?

00:20:29Moira's just about hair done

00:20:30I've got these out of safe for you, old son

00:20:33Thank you, Ferdy

00:20:34I'd like my captions

00:20:34As long as you don't want a swing-o-meter

00:20:37Has Tudor's girlfriend been on the phone lab?

00:20:39What?

00:20:39I've got an ACTT handbook kicking round here

00:20:43Beverly Blowhard, Studio B or Pregnant One

00:20:45I don't mean in ten minutes, I mean right now

00:20:48I'm waiting

00:20:49View next to it, Wilfred

00:20:51Union Road book

00:20:52Come along, I've got a camera rehearsal all lined up

00:20:55Hiya, bugger

00:20:56What's that, Peter?

00:20:58There ain't this safety-pickled bamboo wood

00:21:00If you absolutely brass it right now

00:21:02I'm sure we can arrange something in the installments brand

00:21:04A ten of down and five of a week

00:21:06How does that suit you, old son?

00:21:07Ah, Bruce

00:21:08What brings you up here?

00:21:10How's Winnie?

00:21:10Winifred, your wife Winnie

00:21:11How's Winnie?

00:21:12Winnie's a...fine

00:21:13And a brood?

00:21:14The family, Peter, how's the family?

00:21:15Family are all fine, thanks

00:21:16As a matter of fact, Winnie's just enrolled Kyoto in the Life Boys

00:21:21If you harbour a death wish for Winnie and your little League of Nations

00:21:25You will continue to run this department the way you're doing

00:21:28And very much like my captions, please

00:21:30Hasn't Michael handed them over yet?

00:21:33Are you there, Mike?

00:21:33Oh, drop this foolish charade, Peter

00:21:35Admit that you're nothing but an incompetent prat

00:21:38Who couldn't organise a chimp's tea party

00:21:40No, I take that back

00:21:41Tell Winnie she still owes Dixie six shillings and nine pence for dry cleaning

00:21:45We never did get the dung stains out of his gabardine shorty

00:21:49Following that picnic we had at your place

00:21:52I shall expect my first lot of captions in exactly 40 minutes

00:21:55Good day

00:21:55Oh, will you?

00:21:56Well, we'll see about that

00:21:58Hang on, Bruce

00:21:58Yes, Peter, we'll let him sort out, okay?

00:22:01Peter?

00:22:02Bruce?

00:22:03You gonna come and talk to this bloody woman?

00:22:06Look, I know it's a bit early, but come and have a drink, Murray

00:22:09One of the graphic boys will lash something up, what would you like, old son?

00:22:12What did he say?

00:22:13I hear him right

00:22:13What would you like, Ferdy?

00:22:15We've got white wine, champagne, or squash

00:22:18Which one's the champagne-ish belt?

00:22:19You talk about demarcation here, pal

00:22:21Champagne-ish belt?

00:22:22Don't be daft

00:22:23There wasn't nearly enough in the kitty for champagne

00:22:25I took it all these chip-a-latties

00:22:27What's Danfite's number, Max?

00:22:295474, Ferdy

00:22:29They want you to have that robbing poop down

00:22:32That's disgraceful

00:22:33Sherry, all right, will you, Ferdy?

00:22:35I've just poured you a small one, may

00:22:39That's our number, you clown

00:22:41If anybody's looking for me, I'm in the prop store

00:22:44Mastery Ferdy, when he's just had a cup

00:22:46I'm in the prop store consulting Stan Fyfe, our shop steward

00:22:49What about?

00:22:49Cheers, Murray

00:22:50She'll let one of these jockers turn their hand to cobbling up a swing-o-meter

00:22:53You're in deep trouble, Peter

00:22:55It's not that far off one of these Yankee ones, except for hasn't he got a wee bulb on the

00:22:59handle

00:22:59Deep trouble!

00:23:01I have to wait till the old dear's gone to bed to Borrard by focals for this sort of work

00:23:04Has he gone?

00:23:06Excuse me

00:23:07Sorry about that, Murray

00:23:08It won't be quite such a shambles when we wish you godspeed a bit later on

00:23:12Right, Max?

00:23:13We shall all miss you

00:23:15Right, Wilfred?

00:23:16No, please

00:23:16Don't ask me to cancel at this stage of the game, Peter

00:23:20I take it that's what you asked me at the office for

00:23:22Well, no, not exactly, Murray

00:23:25You see, now we've got Michael

00:23:26I'd love to do your favour and climb back into Harvest

00:23:29But it's her

00:23:30Not that you can blame her

00:23:32Not when some young upstart with a bubble cut and an honours degree in applied sycophancy

00:23:36Gets rewarded with the radiator seat in the staff room

00:23:39And an extra 200 quid a year special responsibility, Lance

00:23:42That is rich

00:23:43All he's been responsible for in that school is the second year dinner monies

00:23:47And setting Moira's remedial class back about a decade with his advanced reading list

00:23:52Can you blame her for wanting to bugger off?

00:23:54Well, can I

00:23:55No, please

00:23:57Unless it is a dire emergency

00:24:00I don't see how I can accept my job back

00:24:04Right, Murray, thanks

00:24:06Yeah, I can remember when I got my call up papers

00:24:09Cold feet

00:24:10I had to skit us for a fortnight

00:24:14Is that you, Michael?

00:24:16Thank God for that

00:24:18We're all right, Murray

00:24:19I'm terrifically grateful to you

00:24:22But I think that we're all right

00:24:24Are you still there, Michael?

00:24:26Well, get yourself over here right now, you bloody crasset

00:24:31Thank you

00:24:36Thank you

00:24:39Thank you

00:24:48Thank you

00:24:51Well, what do we have for you this month?

00:24:53Kathy will be joining me shortly with some items of special interest for you ladies

00:24:56Such as these beautifully churned goblets available in box sets of three from Norwich of Kirk and Tilloch

00:25:02And this very attractive roasting tin and serving tray at 21 and 11 from Christine Dainty's shop in Cardona

00:25:08But I'll let Kathy tell you all about those herself

00:25:12Have you ever been asked to put up shelves for the wife?

00:25:15Or maybe she's asked you to freshen up the paintwork in the bathroom

00:25:18Well, here's just the job

00:25:21Maccavoys of 2568 Dumbarton Road have just taken a large consignment of these

00:25:26Do-it-yourself drill and decorator kits

00:25:29It's a combined drill and paint spray that Maccavoys tell me anyone can master in just a couple of hours

00:25:36So if you're like me and thinking about putting up those shelves this weekend

00:25:40That one's for you

00:25:41And that particular item carries a full six months guarantee

00:25:45Ah, Kathy, in you come

00:25:47Here, I like your coat

00:25:49That's really smashing

00:25:50That's, uh, musk wash, isn't it?

00:25:52No, it just looks like musk wash, Gavin

00:25:56It's got that same luxurious feel to the pelt

00:26:00In fact, it's just one of the marvellous range of new season spurs

00:26:04At Gillespie and Simon of New City Road

00:26:06This particular item's in Coney

00:26:09But they've also got beaver lamb and British ocelot in the same style

00:26:16Prices start at £47

00:26:19So hurry while stocks last

00:26:22Gavin

00:26:26If you're anything like me and you've thought about hiring a tent for that family holiday

00:26:30But weren't sure what defined the best value

00:26:32That problem's now a thing of the past

00:26:35For the very keenest terms, your best bet's bunty's are Bell's Hill

00:26:38For bell tents, bunting and bargains, you can't beat bunty's

00:26:42Ring this Bell's Hill number now

00:26:47Bell 2199

00:26:50Kathy

00:26:51Well, that's all for today

00:26:53Oh, there's just one more thing before we go

00:26:55Gavin

00:26:57What's that, Kathy?

00:26:58Cheers

00:27:01Join us again next month when Kathy and I will be here with lots more useful and attractive items on

00:27:06Shelf Talk

00:27:14Cheers

00:27:15I swear to God, Peter, they were here last night

00:27:32Max just saw me working on them, didn't you, Max?

00:27:34I'm closing it, I'm closing it

00:27:36Look, I'm closing it

00:27:38Thank you, Ish Bell

00:27:39Somebody must have seen them

00:27:41He's on the phone to Archie

00:27:42How is the lad? Managing to hold his own, is he?

00:27:46We think they're going off with some guy from the National, but I don't

00:27:48Hold on, love

00:27:49Beat it, you

00:27:51Did they say they'd let you know, Michael?

00:27:52You didn't have to come across them, did you both?

00:27:54The hospital, did they say they'd let you know, I'm asking?

00:27:56God, I was supposed to phone

00:27:59How's that first anniversary present working out Ish Bell, love?

00:28:02Young Robert managing to get a close enough shave with it

00:28:04Where's the telephone got you?

00:28:05He says he'll wait a few more years till his down toughens up

00:28:08I brought it in to exchange it

00:28:09Do you want to give it a try?

00:28:11No, I was just curious, what if he's bought one for Mamie?

00:28:15What are you looking for now, Michael's son?

00:28:17They've got a job locked from an abattoir, apparently

00:28:19There used to be a phone here

00:28:20From an abattoir? My God

00:28:22For shaving pig meat, Ish Bell

00:28:24Big Marxist lad in make-ups, threatening to sue the hunchback he's taking

00:28:27He got a very bad dose of mild anthrax off of his

00:28:30They had to graft the soles of someone's feet onto his throat, he was telling me

00:28:34Not without some difficulty, am I?

00:28:36The phone's in the basket, old son

00:28:38In the basket?

00:28:40That was when you left him

00:28:41Well, Fred, you'd better chuck doing that

00:28:43Michael's wife's going into labour

00:28:45Don't stand there like a dooly fish it out

00:28:47What hospital is she in?

00:28:48At St Saviour's Maternity

00:28:49Who knows where I'll be going?

00:28:51Do you hear that, Max?

00:28:53Michael's wife's having her baby at St Saviour's?

00:28:55Run by the little sisters of the Holy Woomish Bell, love

00:28:59Peter gets all his kiddies there

00:29:00They say it's very good, don't they, Wilfred?

00:29:02They might not have the latest gas and air equipment

00:29:04But all the nappies are blessed

00:29:06And any confusion over the infant's identity

00:29:08Is sent for arbitration to the next Vatican Council

00:29:11Be in good hands there, sweetheart

00:29:13Oh, hello

00:29:14Could you put me through to Our Lady of Perpetual Sucker Ward, please?

00:29:17You're not religious, are you, Max?

00:29:19Not me, I spelled up

00:29:20Gave all that up when the old man passed over

00:29:21He was a chiropodist

00:29:22Just tuning in to the Tokyo Olympiad, all, sir

00:29:26Hold on, love

00:29:26I believe we've got a British hope on the egg and spoon

00:29:29It's not Horsekai, is it?

00:29:31...weather at 1.35

00:29:33Well, we apologise to younger viewers

00:29:35For this delay to our advertised premium

00:29:37This is entirely due to a technical fault at our Black Hill transmitter

00:29:42I'll talk to you later

00:29:43I'll bring you Bobby and Dobbins

00:29:45Bob a job just as soon as we can

00:29:47No, Pinkerton

00:29:48She came in this morning

00:29:50Sorry?

00:29:51Oh, Olive

00:29:52No, Olive

00:29:53As in stuffed

00:29:55God, I'm shaking

00:29:56Look

00:29:56Summer

00:29:58Bet you it is sore

00:29:59Most natural thing in the world, I spell love

00:30:02It's only now a so-called sophisticated society

00:30:04That childbearing holds any fears

00:30:05Right, Wilfred

00:30:06Look at the tribesmen of the Kalahari

00:30:09They've been known to give birth while frying up their menfolk's teas

00:30:13Wouldn't you say you were phoning Murray's son?

00:30:15Right

00:30:16Yes, right

00:30:17Thanks

00:30:19They've taken her along to the theatre

00:30:21Oh my God

00:30:22They've taken her along to the theatre?

00:30:25That's nice, Michael

00:30:26Oh

00:30:26That'd make a pleasant change from watching television

00:30:38You should have over this

00:31:01Somebody better answer that

00:31:02I will if I'll have it in a hamper

00:31:14Five bob, you don't make it

00:31:25Hello, Graf

00:31:30Time for up Murray

00:31:37Oops

00:31:46You're needing a bed, old son

00:31:54That's it fixed

00:31:56There's a mass meeting in the car park at 1500 hours.

00:32:00Stan Fyfe will be in the driving seat.

00:32:02You can see if that hem's hanging down at the back, Murray.

00:32:05A bit early to be going out for your Halloween, no?

00:32:07I'd never have believed you at the length of that, Ferdy.

00:32:09Come and have a gather the jacket nearly gams, Wilfred.

00:32:11It's not another winny silver paper for distressed Harlanders nights.

00:32:15Chuck it.

00:32:16This is a very outfit the Lord Provost wore

00:32:18when the nationalist candidate got pipped at the post at Govan last time out.

00:32:23Stan Fyfe was our agent.

00:32:25We'll show that bugger hag how to run our own affairs.

00:32:30He's not in there, is he?

00:32:34Oh, Christ, he is.

00:32:40We saw Edward off, didn't we?

00:32:42King Edward.

00:32:44The potato, you mean?

00:32:46Not that.

00:32:50Not that potato.

00:32:53If I catch you or any of your cronies collaborating with him in there,

00:33:00you're for it.

00:33:01Do you hear?

00:33:08Up to date with your subs, Murray.

00:33:10Get the lassie to circuit out a memo.

00:33:13How familiar is she with the continental clock system, do you know?

00:33:18If Peter asks you where I am, you have nae seen me.

00:33:23Okay.

00:33:27Don't forget Wilfred and the rookie.

00:33:31Every vote's a pledge for solidarity.

00:33:35Remember Govan!

00:33:40Be back, Caledonia!

00:33:43A bit over the top, no?

00:33:45What the hell was all there about having a clue, old son?

00:33:48Thought I heard Ferdy.

00:33:50I promised Moira I'd see to your welfare, just as she's seen to Archie's.

00:33:56No, no, please take it.

00:33:58It's one of Winnie's specials.

00:33:59I told Moira I'd stand over you till he finished it.

00:34:03Just one bite of the supply, soldier.

00:34:11Well done.

00:34:14I'd like everyone's attention, please.

00:34:16I've just been on the telephone to Archie's home.

00:34:18I'm afraid the news isn't all that good.

00:34:19Die, has he?

00:34:20He's had a relapse.

00:34:21Probably all that scoff he had at you and Nipper's christening do, Pietro.

00:34:24We don't know how bad it is, but Moira, Murray's Moira, is with him and medical help has been summoned.

00:34:29Yeah, that's where the lads can die with his struggle.

00:34:31He was seen getting torn into a big ball of daisy-leuton shellfish, apparent lax.

00:34:34If you have anything to discuss, do you think you could step inside and discuss it quite?

00:34:38Not that I was there to see him wolfing it down.

00:34:40I'm only going by eyewitness reports.

00:34:43Any luck yet, Michael-son?

00:34:45Thriveling on about, of course you were there, weren't you?

00:34:48Never got the invite, Peter.

00:34:49Didn't you?

00:34:50Not that I'm the least bit bothered, the old dear, and I spent a very pleasant day at the Transport

00:34:54Museum.

00:34:55You and Big Murray want to take a stroll along there first thing in the morning before you set foot

00:34:59in your aeroplane, Murray.

00:35:00Some very interesting tandem and sidecar combos on display.

00:35:03Look, I'm terribly sorry, Max.

00:35:04Winnie must have thought that I...

00:35:06We made that separate list.

00:35:07You'd have to catch old Archie munching his way through this alfresco purvey, don't you, Wilfred?

00:35:13Wouldn't he had all this stuff laid out in the greenhouse?

00:35:15The nippers' christening do.

00:35:17What's his name again?

00:35:18Dominic.

00:35:18Listen, Max.

00:35:19Dominic.

00:35:19Nice name.

00:35:21Dominic.

00:35:22Nice name.

00:35:22He's a dark child, I believe.

00:35:24Tibetan, did you say, Wilfred?

00:35:26Ha-ha.

00:35:26Right.

00:35:27I told you I'd done them.

00:35:28How on earth did they find their way down there?

00:35:30It's a lot, sir.

00:35:31Never mind about that now.

00:35:32Let's get them downstairs.

00:35:33Put you there, Wilfred.

00:35:34Archie was getting stove into this greenhouse for her, Murray.

00:35:37Studio D, if anyone's looking for me, well done, Mike.

00:35:40Yes, but most of my time in the toilet.

00:35:41What in God's name are you waiting for?

00:35:43Studio D at the double, even up Winnie's junket.

00:35:47There's further slight delay to the Bobby Bruin show.

00:35:50Everything's being done by our engineering staff to get things moving again.

00:35:54In the meantime, here's a clip from last Sunday's Bluebell Barn Dance, featuring the much-admired

00:36:00footwork of Dixie Little in the Bluebell Barn.

00:36:04Yes, that's been the cause of Archibald's complaint.

00:36:09The greenhouse provender.

00:36:23It's amazing the number of people that are allergic to sea foods.

00:36:35The old dear only has to look at a fish cake to break out in Verrucas.

00:36:39Put it on there. Put it on there.

00:36:41Capses! Capses, feet, feet!

00:36:44Did you just throw three of them downstairs, Murray?

00:36:46Or is that something else entirely?

00:36:48No, I think that was the chip-a-laters.

00:36:50It's about Jack with Wilfred.

00:36:51Would you care for another keek at these geishers?

00:36:53Help refresh your memory, old son.

00:36:55Wilfred!

00:36:56You bastards!

00:36:57What did I say again?

00:36:58Twenty-five, was it?

00:37:02There's no way, is it?

00:37:03Don't forget to pop up for your chip-a-latter, Bruce.

00:37:06I thought the canteen was meant to stay open for lunchtime.

00:37:09I went along to collect your party stuff.

00:37:11If not, I'm sorry to serve you at any of the tables.

00:37:13I'm starving as well.

00:37:15How about that?

00:37:15What's it got in there?

00:37:17The entire contents of the North Sea,

00:37:19with a possible exception of the baggy many.

00:37:21The Winnie Hague special.

00:37:23No, no, give me it.

00:37:26Oh, there's a big chunk out of it.

00:37:29You're at Peter's most recent acquisitions christening to you, aren't you, Isbell?

00:37:32Yeah, me and Robert, why?

00:37:34But either of you noticed anyone gorging themselves

00:37:36in a big bowl of greenhouse limpets?

00:37:38Big bowl of what?

00:37:39Shrimps, limpets, crabs, a sort of marine cocktail.

00:37:41Wilfred Swayze was giving it big licks, the lad.

00:37:44What is it we're talking about?

00:37:44Probably set off an irritation in the bowl.

00:37:48The Hague's baptismal thrash

00:37:50to which some of us were invited

00:37:51and others some weren't it.

00:37:53Seen a lot of that in the rap.

00:37:55I remember this warrant officer

00:37:56showing some of the lads myself a poison bowl

00:37:58that had moved out of a big land up in Huddersfield

00:38:00and preserved in a bell jar.

00:38:02He copped his lot from a surface of clam chowder, this chap.

00:38:06Wouldn't let you shut up for a minute, would you?

00:38:08I believe they've got the tapeworm on display

00:38:10in a vacuum-sealed bottle of aspic

00:38:12at the RAF Medical Monstrosities Museum at Hendon.

00:38:16Have you ever come across a suppurating barley spell, love?

00:38:19That was delicious this morning.

00:38:21About what?

00:38:22They made a particularly gripping urine life

00:38:24in their hands, I always thought.

00:38:27Do you get all your meals aboard the aircraft tomorrow, Murray?

00:38:36Yeah, I remember my first overseas flight.

00:38:38There was 14 of us cramped into the Bombay

00:38:41of this Lancaster one Sunday morning.

00:38:42No idea where we're headed.

00:38:43I was lying next to big Trevor Phyllis from Salkerts.

00:38:47Him and a cop on the green jackets

00:38:48had been out of the town the night before.

00:38:5117 pints of Grosset's heavy-duty scrumper, they scoffed,

00:38:54along with 37 raw eggs each.

00:38:57It was a bumpy flight.

00:38:59All right, what have you been up to?

00:39:00By the time we landed,

00:39:01all the keyholes in the bomb hatches were clogged up.

00:39:04We were in there for seven hours.

00:39:06I don't know if you've ever tried inhaling raw sewage

00:39:08through an oxygen mask,

00:39:09but it's not something I'd recommend.

00:39:11What's who been up to?

00:39:12You've just sent him off to tug his entire entrance

00:39:13down the toilet.

00:39:14He must have been up to something.

00:39:16You never met Archie's wife, did you?

00:39:18I was introduced to her at the christening.

00:39:20Should have a very limp handshake, I remember.

00:39:22No, I mean, before she got spliced to Archie,

00:39:25when she was Bruce Mooney's PA,

00:39:26nice wee lassie,

00:39:27Betty Drinkwater as was,

00:39:30good sturdy set of pins on her,

00:39:32well-rounded calf,

00:39:33nicely turned ankle.

00:39:36We all used to go swimming together,

00:39:37big crowd of us.

00:39:39Even Wilfred used to tag along.

00:39:43I'm just telling Ish-Bell about our swimming parties.

00:39:46When they wouldn't let you in the pond,

00:39:47then you'd go in the huff and blow your nose in folks' towels

00:39:49and go under the shower with your boots on.

00:39:52He did.

00:39:53He used to go under the shower in the bare buff

00:39:54with his boots and his water wings on.

00:39:56Never felt the slightest shame.

00:39:58Have you and this Betty ever,

00:40:02you know...

00:40:03romantically clovenish, Belle?

00:40:07Yes, I suppose we were.

00:40:09At least, people used to look on us as an item,

00:40:12even the old dear.

00:40:15I seem to recall us exchanging pen pals.

00:40:19Two of my Bavarians for one of Betty's Hawaiians,

00:40:22a young chap in Waikiki.

00:40:25He had the England tricycle franchise

00:40:27for the whole of the South Sea Archipelago.

00:40:30I wrote him, asked him if any of his trites

00:40:32were equipped with stormy archers,

00:40:34thinking it'd be a nice surprise

00:40:35for the old dear's Christmas that year.

00:40:38Never heard from him again.

00:40:41Funny, isn't it?

00:40:42I mean, all they had to do was

00:40:43wrap it in oilskin,

00:40:44put it in an order sheet

00:40:45and stick it aboard a lugger.

00:40:47I'd have settled up at this end.

00:40:50Never looked on to Betty.

00:40:52She'd have been black-affronted.

00:40:55I did eventually get the old dear

00:40:57some transport,

00:40:58a second-hand javelin

00:40:59customised conversion.

00:41:01Local fishmonger was trading it in

00:41:03for a set of garden furniture.

00:41:05Took us all over the joint.

00:41:07Great old jalopy.

00:41:11In fact,

00:41:12wee Betty came on a trip up north

00:41:13of me, old Joward.

00:41:14I'm going back a number of years now.

00:41:16I was still wearing my de-mob suit.

00:41:19I remember we pulled into this

00:41:20wee Highland Glen,

00:41:21got the provisions out the boot,

00:41:23started a fire with some old picture posts

00:41:25and what was left of my Air Force underwear

00:41:28and brewed ourselves a dish of tea.

00:41:32You know, that was one of the most

00:41:33refreshing mouthfuls I'd had in a long time.

00:41:36Even the old dear drank hers.

00:41:40There we were, the sun just dipping below the bend.

00:41:44A flock of stags lowing in the far distance.

00:41:49The entire countryside bathed in a golden light.

00:41:54Betty and I held hands

00:41:57and the three of us sang Jerusalem together

00:41:59while we each took a turn with the foot pump.

00:42:03That would be in the hip period at the time, was it?

00:42:16God knows who she ever did see in Archie.

00:42:20Or in that bugger Murray, for that matter.

00:42:22Do you know, I don't think I'm going to miss him at all.

00:42:24Lance, who was whispering sweet nothings to

00:42:26down the phone, was it?

00:42:28I wondered.

00:42:29I knew it couldn't have been Moira.

00:42:31He really wouldn't have seen his hair, do you know, Kevin?

00:42:33I don't think they'll let her anywhere near Canada.

00:42:36Couldn't have been that baddish, Belle.

00:42:37No.

00:42:48That guy Moira's a lunatic.

00:42:50What's about to finish another lot of captions

00:42:52before four o'clock?

00:42:53What am I going to do?

00:42:55Don't you worry yourself about that, young Michael.

00:42:57If the worst comes to the worst,

00:43:01Wilfred will knock it.

00:43:02What was that?

00:43:03Please don't do that, Wilfred.

00:43:05There you are, Mike.

00:43:06Thought we'd lost you again.

00:43:07Where's Ferdy?

00:43:08Max, drop whatever it is you're doing

00:43:09and step into the office.

00:43:10There's something I'd like you to be getting on with.

00:43:12Excuse me, Peter.

00:43:12Shouldn't you be pressing on?

00:43:13In you go, Max.

00:43:14I don't think they're going to be very pleased, Peter,

00:43:16for these gents' netball results are late again.

00:43:18I'll accept full responsibility, Max.

00:43:20That'll be a first day, Murray.

00:43:23Close the door, please, Ishmael.

00:43:48No, go outside and then close the door.

00:43:52Oh, for God's sake.

00:44:12Thank you, Ishmael.

00:44:14Wish someone had told me

00:44:15there were two Bobby Bruins this afternoon.

00:44:17Shh.

00:44:17What's that door doing shut?

00:44:19Stop spinning my good frog, you old midden.

00:44:22Well, they're telling you

00:44:23that she gave my Easter egg to the ledger.

00:44:25It's true, she gave my Easter egg to the bloody ledger.

00:44:27You didn't, did you?

00:44:28They're coming.

00:44:30I'm pretty sure I did.

00:44:32I'll just check that, Peter.

00:44:33Did you fill in those union forms I gave you?

00:44:35What union forms?

00:44:37I'll put it to the vote, old son.

00:44:39Well, you and him talking about this rise.

00:44:41Do I have to join?

00:44:42It's a closed shop, stupid.

00:44:44It's nice, Murray, son.

00:44:45Will you get in the cargo hold, do you think?

00:44:47How come I'm not a member?

00:44:49Will someone come and lead Wilfred back to the Balkan, please?

00:44:52Max, how come I'm not in the union?

00:44:53You're a womanish, Bill, love.

00:44:54Peter's friend Beverly's got her ticket.

00:44:57She's a director, sweetheart.

00:44:58That's a man's job.

00:44:59Only needs water he wants a fortnight.

00:45:01Any tickles?

00:45:02Anyone seen a pink sheep for these?

00:45:04There was a requisition, Michael.

00:45:06Inside, please.

00:45:07I'm just about to find the pink sheep for Michael.

00:45:09Oh, chup, nip it is!

00:45:10Close the door behind you.

00:45:11You've got a nice crop of hazelnuts every Christmas.

00:45:15No, quietly this time.

00:45:16How am I supposed to know what goes on these if I don't have a pink sheep?

00:45:19Sorry, requisition.

00:45:20Is it yourselves?

00:45:22I'd like you all to gather round for a moment.

00:45:24Ah, cheers, dear, does it?

00:45:26You two, Murray, Wilfred, gather round, would you?

00:45:28Frederick will come back at any minute.

00:45:30You know that, don't you?

00:45:30Let me take care of that as well.

00:45:33Now, I'd like you all to listen carefully.

00:45:36Are you paying attention, Max?

00:45:39I'm all ears, Pietro.

00:45:40Right.

00:45:41As you're all, no doubt, aware...

00:45:47Start again, shall I?

00:45:48As you're all, no doubt...

00:45:49Believe it, the bloody gaskets are away now.

00:45:52As you're all, no doubt, aware...

00:45:53None of us all perished, you see that, Peter?

00:45:57Yeah, a couple of gas bills in the old double team.

00:45:59What do you reckon, Murray?

00:46:00I shall be getting danger money on top of this rifle, isn't it?

00:46:03Shut up, you old mess!

00:46:05Thank you, Murray.

00:46:07As you're all, no doubt, aware...

00:46:08We are in the throes of a general election today, and we, and I do mean...

00:46:13Each and every one of us in the communications media are in the front line.

00:46:21Yes, I know you've heard it all before, but I do sincerely believe that we, each of us, in our

00:46:25very different ways,

00:46:25has his or her own contribution to make towards the gathering and dissemination of information

00:46:31before, during, and after this momentous event.

00:46:37We also have the Bobby Bruin show in Studio D.

00:46:40Two Bobby Bruin shows.

00:46:41This second lot of captions...

00:46:43If you don't chop wine in, mate, you are going to get a belt around the mouth.

00:46:46Carry on, Peter.

00:46:47I think we all recognise that the election special, coming as it does from Studio B,

00:46:52can be either a triumph...

00:46:55or a nightmare.

00:46:59More especially, when it's one's first big show,

00:47:03and one isn't quite getting the service, design-wise, that one might expect.

00:47:09Which is not to say I wouldn't be putting my neck on the line if it were a chap at

00:47:12the helm.

00:47:13The fact that Beverly happens to be...

00:47:15What's the word?

00:47:16You know fine well what the word is.

00:47:18We all do.

00:47:18The fact that Beverly happens to be an old and much-valued colleague from Lime Grove days.

00:47:24I'm really worried about these captions, Peter.

00:47:25You are asking for it.

00:47:26That'll be quite enough, Murray.

00:47:29I've consulted with Max over this,

00:47:31and although he's absolutely snowed under at the moment,

00:47:34he has, not without a great deal of soul-searching, I must add.

00:47:38You still want to tell me what's going on here?

00:47:39He has agreed to waive certain previously adhered-to union procedures,

00:47:44so if we could have a show of hands.

00:47:47Gentlemen.

00:47:49Is that you, Miss Sonic, meeting finished now?

00:47:55Show of hands, please.

00:47:57Stick your mitt at, Wilfred.

00:47:59Just living back at school, isn't it?

00:48:00Sigma what up?

00:48:01What are you playing at? You haven't got a vote.

00:48:03Is your hand up or down, Murray?

00:48:07Right, I think that's pretty conclusive. Thank you, gentlemen.

00:48:11It's all right. Needle.

00:48:11If you just bodge these two big boards together, Michael...

00:48:15Murray, did I see you with some double-sided tape, old chap?

00:48:19No, wait a minute, Peter. I've got all these capsules straight.

00:48:21It needn't be too complex.

00:48:22In fact, the simpler the better, in a funny sort of way.

00:48:24As long as you leave, plenty of room for the pointer thingy

00:48:27to swing well to the right.

00:48:28What is it, Wilfred?

00:48:30I want you to see where the blast scorched my scalp.

00:48:32You'll be seeing Stan's wife. I've got my comp, and I take it.

00:48:35My heat's all burnt, you see?

00:48:37Ferdy's going to go bananas.

00:48:39Can you not give him a hand, Max?

00:48:41Lad can manage perfectly well on his own-ish, Bill.

00:48:44Murray and I used to batter that stuff out by the barrel load in the old days.

00:48:48Right, Murray?

00:48:49Make sure you leave plenty in the row.

00:48:51There's still quite a lot of packing to get through.

00:48:54You can manage without a drawing, can you?

00:48:55Clever lad, eh, Max?

00:48:56Uh-oh.

00:48:57The Bolsheviks are milling around in the car park, I see.

00:49:00Do you see where I'm pointing, Peter?

00:49:02This one over, Peter.

00:49:03Yes, well done, Wilfred.

00:49:04Do him a sketch, for God's sake, Max.

00:49:06Get a move on, Michael.

00:49:07They'd like it on camera by half-last at the latest.

00:49:10Ferdy's gone to his pups, Peter.

00:49:11I'm perfectly capable of handling Ferdy's belt.

00:49:16Um, say it's a big clock for the Bobby Bruin show, if anyone asks, Michael.

00:49:21Why don't I tell people you're away to this time?

00:49:23Who come I got all this to do?

00:49:24I want to be here for a week.

00:49:25Could someone not give me a hand?

00:49:28Christ.

00:49:29What's the matter with the boy?

00:49:30He's learning his trade, old son.

00:49:32Oh.

00:49:33I've got a baby due any minute.

00:49:40Oh, dear, thought Bobby to himself.

00:49:44Oh, dear.

00:49:45Oh, dear.

00:49:47Whatever was he going to do?

00:49:49He'd never made a kite before.

00:49:52He looked down at the great big sheet of white paper that Uncle Alistair had laid out on the grass.

00:50:00Then he looked up.

00:50:03At the great big sky.

00:50:05He didn't even know what a kite looked like.

00:50:08A hot tear rolled down his cheek and fell with a plop on his brand new cream booties.

00:50:18Fiona, the friendly rabbit who was hanging out her washing in the next door garden,

00:50:25looked over the little white fence and wondered to herself what could possibly be the matter.

00:50:33Just as she was about to ask Bobby Bruin, who should come trotting past?

00:50:38But Bobby's special chum, Dobbin.

00:50:42Hello, Bobby, chuckled Dobbin.

00:50:45You're in a proper pickle about something, aren't you?

00:50:49Come on.

00:50:50You can tell, old Dobbin.

00:50:52What is it?

00:50:53Bobby sniffed and wiped away the tears.

00:50:57Oh, Dobbin, I'm so glad you came trotting past.

00:51:02I've got a bob a job from Uncle Alistair.

00:51:05He's asked me to make a kite for Ichabod, who's not very well, so that Ichabod can fly it in

00:51:12his garden.

00:51:12And that rascal, wee, McPhee, and his awful friend, Dodger, drove up in old Reekie's motor car, and Dodger said,

00:51:21Stop, stop, cried Dobbin.

00:51:24I'm getting all confused.

00:51:27Start at the start, and I'll sit here and listen.

00:51:33So Bobby Bruin did start at the start, while Dobbin sat with his hooves crossed and his head on one

00:51:44side.

00:51:46And neither of them noticed the little bunny who was leaning over the little fence with her floppy bunny ears

00:51:55sticking up.

00:52:13How's that?

00:52:18You realise I could be taking downstairs and beating senses with a rolled-up copy of the Racket Trouser Philanthropist

00:52:23for this, don't you?

00:52:27How daunting that!

00:52:28What are you doing? My fingerprints will be in this now.

00:52:44All right, where is he?

00:52:47Where is this scab that's trying to...

00:52:51Holy Christ, he's done it.

00:52:53He's made one.

00:52:55I thought you told me the rookie was a Corrie-fisted idiot, you clown.

00:53:00You are up in front of a tribunal for this.

00:53:04And you never came to that meeting. I was standing down there freezing the death of my bloody tod.

00:53:09What's on the road, but Christ is at that time already.

00:53:13And you should know better than to be a party to this at your age, you traitorous vermin.

00:53:19Do you know what that is?

00:53:21That is your death knell.

00:53:27Peter?

00:53:28What?

00:53:29It's in Xavier's maternity for Michael. What'll I tell them?

00:53:33Where is he? Where is that shite?

00:53:34Quit shooting. I'm on the phone.

00:53:36I think it's about his wife's baby.

00:53:38Give me that.

00:53:39Oh, yeah.

00:53:40Don't run, Michael, son, but that's maternity factory in the line for you.

00:53:48In Pietro's room.

00:53:49Xavier Iver's bloody twins.

00:53:51Where's that telephone sheet? He was here a minute ago. Where is it?

00:53:53It's about your baby.

00:53:54Christ is at that.

00:53:56What do you play that? Give me that.

00:53:58Shut that. This is urgent.

00:53:59So it's this.

00:54:00I found Stan Fyfe's number.

00:54:02Give him that back, you hooligan. Take it off him, Michael.

00:54:04I'm warning you. If you don't give us that phone back, I'll...

00:54:10You'll what?

00:54:13I'll...

00:54:13Don't be fair. He's a tally, for God's sake.

00:54:17Come on.

00:54:18You'll what?

00:54:21You'll what?

00:54:24On you go.

00:54:26I dare you.

00:54:27It's about your baby. What are you waiting for?

00:54:29Baby? Him?

00:54:30You couldn't impregnate a clappy dude with custard if you gave him a shoe on.

00:54:34Take that, you bastard.

00:54:36Good God!

00:54:40Hello?

00:54:41St Saviour's. It's Mr Pinkerton.

00:54:44About the baby.

00:54:45Has he killed him?

00:54:46I sincerely hope so, I spell love.

00:54:48Nah.

00:54:49It was a wee micka.

00:54:50Hard lines, Michael.

00:54:52Oh, my God.

00:54:54Let's let a chair, I spell love.

00:54:56Steady, old son.

00:54:57What have you been feeding this one, Murray?

00:54:59Are you sure?

00:55:01Christ a boy.

00:55:02Oh, well done.

00:55:05Hello?

00:55:07Yeah, I'm sorry.

00:55:09They don't like you to swear.

00:55:11That's wonderful.

00:55:14A boy.

00:55:16Thanks.

00:55:18I can't believe it.

00:55:20I've just become a boy for the first time.

00:55:22Do you hear that, Murray?

00:55:23Michael's a wee boy.

00:55:25How are they both?

00:55:26No, just the one.

00:55:27A boy.

00:55:29I'll get you a sherry.

00:55:37Oh, my God, I'm really envious.

00:55:39I've got another six weeks of lugging Junior around.

00:55:42Ask Ferdy if he'd like a drink.

00:55:44Care to wet the nippersnapper, Ferdy?

00:55:47Just put him a wee snifter-ish bell.

00:55:50That's your real problem stab now, mate.

00:55:52Thanks.

00:55:53Hey, Maxie, what was that way we were all sticking our mitts up for?

00:55:56I got my scalp burned.

00:55:57It wasn't about this rise, was it?

00:55:59That's young Michael there, he'll tear you.

00:56:01Not long to go now, Murray's son.

00:56:02By this time next to you, who knows, big boy,

00:56:05that could be a mountie.

00:56:06Oh, boy.

00:56:07Can I get away with it?

00:56:08Oh, boy.

00:56:09Well, hurry up.

00:56:09I've got to go around and see the nurse.

00:56:10How much was it?

00:56:11Almost eight pounds.

00:56:13How much?

00:56:14Eight pounds?

00:56:15Not bad, eh?

00:56:16There's some of these that are cooked

00:56:18and some that aren't.

00:56:18Try and eat the cooked ones.

00:56:20A man that said it was a license to print money

00:56:22wasn't so far out, eh, Murray?

00:56:24Eight pounds?

00:56:25I'd have been happy enough with eight bob.

00:56:27I was talking about a runt, you dighted old imbecile.

00:56:30Here, give us a drink, for God's sake.

00:56:32Tell him he quit referring to Michael's firstborn as a runt

00:56:34and chuck calling him a dighted old imbecile.

00:56:37It's all your fault, Ederson.

00:56:38I've lost a gold fillet in here.

00:56:40Oh, look, Michael.

00:56:41Design it in a basket.

00:56:43I'm really sorry, Kirby.

00:56:44I don't know what to get into.

00:56:45I do.

00:56:46A bit of spunk.

00:56:47Stop apologising to him.

00:56:48You'll take all the good out of it.

00:56:49Well, come here and we find it, will you?

00:56:52Oh, look, a swing-o-meter.

00:56:54My leg!

00:56:56I'll wait to have a chat with Dan Fyfe

00:56:58about this colossal rise we're getting.

00:57:00See if he can't get it backdated for us, eh?

00:57:04Yeah, a handful of nails in the old drinking chocolate.

00:57:06What do you think, Murray?

00:57:07Where are you, Heddleman?

00:57:09I've got my dentist to put these fillers in privately.

00:57:12A boy?

00:57:14I've just had a boy, Max.

00:57:15Yes, that's all very well, Michael, Sandra.

00:57:17When you start screaming for these Bobby Bruins,

00:57:19that's not going to be at all helpful.

00:57:20Good grief, you haven't even started them.

00:57:22Look at this, Ish-bell.

00:57:23Don't wander too far, Murray.

00:57:25We've still got your presentation

00:57:26and all the speeches to get through.

00:57:28Oh, my God.

00:57:28I've never in all my life

00:57:29seen such a bunch of reprobates

00:57:31gathered together in one studio.

00:57:33I said, please, Zach, if you had to.

00:57:34The old dear and I were out in the hustings the other night.

00:57:36Won't you have seen this assemblage of creeps?

00:57:38One of them had a bow tie on.

00:57:40On the Bobby Bruin show, Max,

00:57:41I didn't dare venture anywhere near Studio B

00:57:43until Michael's done that.

00:57:45Oh, I say.

00:57:47Don't mind if you congratulate me.

00:57:49Well done, old chap.

00:57:49No, no, I mean it.

00:57:50Not bad, eh, Max?

00:57:51Right, hot-footed downstairs to Studio B.

00:57:54Never mind if the red light's on,

00:57:55they can't switch it off.

00:57:56Come along.

00:57:56Chop, chop, Michael.

00:57:57I think Olive wants to call them Cliff.

00:58:00After Cliff Bennett and the Rebel,

00:58:01where am I going?

00:58:02Studio B.

00:58:03Tell Beverly we're keeping everything crossed for her.

00:58:06I had a strong hand.

00:58:07She wouldn't let us down.

00:58:08Nice lad.

00:58:09Right.

00:58:11Very bright.

00:58:11Will somebody please answer those points

00:58:13after all these triple-ass-a-ture you read?

00:58:15Why is this floor in such a mess, Max?

00:58:18Hello, what's this?

00:58:20Ah, don't you care to explain this to me, Ferdy?

00:58:24Oh, my God.

00:58:25What clan is that?

00:58:26The Mac Matthew?

00:58:27You filthy missile-

00:58:28Eddie Ferdy, I should hate to have you dragged

00:58:30out of that hamper and your bottom smacked.

00:58:32Oh, my God, that kilt.

00:58:33You look exactly like that little dancer chappy.

00:58:35What do you call him?

00:58:36You know who I mean, Max.

00:58:37It's Mooney's boyfriend.

00:58:38Do you know the Jack and Ellie's fell at the barrack bar?

00:58:40What, off their ice cream carts?

00:58:42I'm warning you.

00:58:43When I get this stuff back in,

00:58:45I'm coming up here to smash your stupid foreign features

00:58:48in your toy-wick spittle.

00:58:49Point, Ferdy.

00:58:50It's rude.

00:58:51You bastard.

00:58:53Well, he just found her.

00:58:54Well, I think we can forget all that nonsense

00:58:56about demarcation, don't you, Ferdy?

00:58:59You'll never find it now.

00:59:00Lift your feet, will you?

00:59:01We've got Murray's presentation ready, Ish-bell.

00:59:04I wonder what I did with my notes.

00:59:06He's not having a presentation, is he?

00:59:07We're not getting to present them with.

00:59:09I thought someone put round a sheet for him.

00:59:11Didn't someone put round a sheet?

00:59:12Yes, someone did put round a sheet,

00:59:14but all someone got in a sheet was a lot of filthy remarks

00:59:16and a half-crown from Wilfred.

00:59:18Do some of these look burnt too, Max?

00:59:19What are you talking about?

00:59:20I put in ten bob.

00:59:21Only because your old and valued ex-BVC colleague

00:59:23happened to be in the office.

00:59:25You took it back when she left, remember?

00:59:26What is it you've seen her?

00:59:28She's hackit-looking.

00:59:29Here, I have no recollection of such an incident,

00:59:31but what do you mean, she's hackit-looking?

00:59:34We'll just put the 12 and 6 in an envelope

00:59:35and if he opens it, we'll tell another 40 quid

00:59:37must have fallen out of it.

00:59:38Do you realise your bloody phones are out?

00:59:39I've got an entire cast and crew and standby downstairs.

00:59:42Hang on a second, Bruce.

00:59:4312 and 6 might well get him something quite serviceable.

00:59:46There's still time to nip round the large stores.

00:59:48Are you listening to me?

00:59:49Yes.

00:59:51Yes!

00:59:52Yes!

00:59:53Is that all you can say?

00:59:54For Christ's sake, Peter, we're on the air.

00:59:57We're actually on transmission.

00:59:59A bloody satellite's bouncing everything

01:00:00back to the Olympic Stadium.

01:00:02We're being taken live by the rest of the country.

01:00:05Where are they?

01:00:06Murray's gone to census halfway to Canada by now.

01:00:08As for young Michael, I've sent him downstairs to...

01:00:10My bloody captions, you idiot!

01:00:12Hang about, hang about.

01:00:13Don't take that tone with me, Mooney.

01:00:15No, don't put those there, Ishbel.

01:00:16They'll only get knocked over in the rush.

01:00:19You may not be aware of this, Peter,

01:00:21but I have not lowered an eyelid in 36 hours.

01:00:25I'm fatigued and I'm famished.

01:00:27Stay right where you are.

01:00:29I'm not finished yet.

01:00:31I'm under strict medical instructions not to drink, drive, or in any way get upset,

01:00:36which in itself is upsetting, since Dixie's got a massive hernia and I'm having to travel

01:00:41in by subway.

01:00:44But we'll forget about that.

01:00:46I told you not to move.

01:00:49Shona, my number one, Shona, has sprained a wrist relaxing between shows.

01:00:55So Derek, Derek the Lush, has the responsibility of handling Dobbin, Wee, McPhee, and Uncle Alistair,

01:01:00in addition to all of his own people.

01:01:02Get a look at me when I'm talking to you, damn it!

01:01:04I've got one camera completely US, Bobby's little cars, knackered as a ton of MPs,

01:01:09pseudo-MPs and has-been MPs, traipsing through the studio, harassing my floor manager,

01:01:14who happens to be female and a practicing Methodist.

01:01:18And you've got the almighty gall to say,

01:01:21don't take that toll with me!

01:01:23Yes, perhaps that was putting a bit strong, old chap.

01:01:25Isbel, an amantillado for Mooney.

01:01:27I'm sure I'll take to you, you pompous overbearing millimark twat!

01:01:31The hell am I done with it?

01:01:32Hi-ya!

01:01:33Here's your screwdriver, Mooney.

01:01:36Good Lord, you were going to use that on me.

01:01:38Look at this, Isbel.

01:01:40He was actually going to use this on me.

01:01:44Hi-ya!

01:01:47How dare you?

01:01:49Put up, what are you doing?

01:01:50No!

01:01:51Please, no!

01:01:53Oh, yeah!

01:01:56A glass of something, quickly, Isbel.

01:01:59Ferdy, quickly, Isbel.

01:02:00I'm telling you I'm pregnant, I can't go any quicker.

01:02:03Have yourself to drink, Bruce.

01:02:04How could you, Mooney?

01:02:05Quite happily.

01:02:07Next time you mock the afflicted,

01:02:10it won't be just the front curtains.

01:02:12It'll be your entire bedroom suite.

01:02:16That's your bruise.

01:02:17Bruce!

01:02:20My calling card, gentlemen.

01:02:23Here.

01:02:24I hope it chokes him.

01:02:25Drink this, old chap.

01:02:30What happened?

01:02:31Steady on, chap.

01:02:32You just had a little accident, that's all.

01:02:34Try me one of these.

01:02:36Oh, when I'll end a second there.

01:02:38I thought I'd lost my...

01:02:39This is what you're looking for?

01:02:42I don't think that's the least bit funny, Mrs. Crickwell.

01:02:45I don't know.

01:02:46It made me laugh.

01:02:48Excuse me.

01:02:52Haven't missed anything, have I?

01:02:55I did have a bit of a speech scribbled down.

01:02:58Well, not exactly a speech as such.

01:03:03I'd just like to say...

01:03:04I just want a figure.

01:03:05Shut up, you old dunce.

01:03:06Carry on, Peter.

01:03:08Well, all I wanted to say really was, er...

01:03:12Well, you know.

01:03:14No, I don't, Peter.

01:03:16Could we have a bit of order here, please?

01:03:20Well, spit it out.

01:03:21I'm waiting.

01:03:22You could always deliver the one you done for that big night

01:03:24who was here just prior to Mary.

01:03:26That went down very well, didn't it, Wilford?

01:03:28All those references to missing paper clips and late coming

01:03:31took a very good part.

01:03:33Of course, they are inscrutable, your Orientals.

01:03:36He was part Lasker, this fellow.

01:03:39I don't believe I ever saw him again.

01:03:41You didn't have a doctor, did you, Pietro?

01:03:43Do you mind, pal?

01:03:45This happens to be a special moment.

01:03:49The floor is yours, Peter.

01:03:50Thanks, Murray.

01:03:56Well, um...

01:03:57Well, Fred, would you like to say something?

01:04:00Yep.

01:04:01I had a whole sheaf of notes, Murray, old chap.

01:04:05I think Perry said it all, old son.

01:04:07Haste ye back, here's your bullet.

01:04:10I've had just about all I can take from you, you brainless bastard.

01:04:15If you had two grey cells to rub together,

01:04:17you'd have realised a long time back

01:04:19that I'm only too delighted to get shot of this dump

01:04:22and more especially get shot of you

01:04:25and you

01:04:27and him

01:04:29and that manky old pig up there.

01:04:31Why don't you have a sherry, Murray?

01:04:33You're overwrought.

01:04:35Overwrought!

01:04:36Overwrought!

01:04:37And underappreciated!

01:04:38Take your hands off me, Peter!

01:04:40And don't look as though this is some kind of revelation!

01:04:43You must know how much I despise the lot of you!

01:04:47You with your wrinkled brow and your twin-set trousers!

01:04:51Max from there with his pinhead philosophy

01:04:53and his dighted old mother!

01:04:56I hope she drops dead on you!

01:04:59Steady on, old chap.

01:05:01Don't old chap me, Peter!

01:05:03I am up to hearing old chaps, old chums

01:05:06and old old man!

01:05:10Money was right.

01:05:12You are a prat!

01:05:14I could have told you that three days after I started it.

01:05:17No, sorry.

01:05:18Tell a lie!

01:05:19Two days after I started here!

01:05:21That's the phone for you, Murray.

01:05:23It sounds like a woman's voice, but I think it's Moira.

01:05:29Four years, Peter.

01:05:30Never once was my leproset squeegee.

01:05:33Never once was my aspect ratio squinty.

01:05:38Four years, Peter!

01:05:41Sorry, Peter.

01:05:42Robert's mum's coming round to watch the election special tonight.

01:05:45I want to make sure we're out.

01:05:46What have I done with my knitting bag?

01:05:48What about Murray's farewell?

01:05:51I hadn't forgotten.

01:05:56Farewell, Murray.

01:06:09I can't for the life of me think we can't have ever done to deserve you.

01:06:12It must have been something pretty dire here.

01:06:15Works off the mains.

01:06:17Use it yourself or better still.

01:06:18I'll get Murray to run it over that hairdo.

01:06:20It's hard so it's gruesome.

01:06:22Night, Max.

01:06:22I'm sure Michael will bail you out when you have your baby.

01:06:25Night, Wilfred.

01:06:27Beverly, what's-their-face?

01:06:28He's got a swing-o-meter.

01:06:29Make sure that's all you give him.

01:06:31Hard loss when he's gained.

01:06:32I'm sure that'll be the other way about.

01:06:34You just got home to the baggy minutes.

01:06:40Right, kiddo, let's go.

01:06:42Fingers crossed for a bright new tomorrow.

01:06:45If you've got any sense, you'll stay put.

01:06:48Good night, boys.

01:06:50Good night, Ish-bell love.

01:06:53They go a bit funny when they're about to pod Murray's son.

01:06:57You're looking a trifle drawn.

01:06:59It's not bad news, is it?

01:07:00That'll be too much to hope for.

01:07:03She went along with him in the ambulance, she was saying.

01:07:06She's nice, Murray.

01:07:07Did you see this, Max?

01:07:09God, talk about naive.

01:07:12You don't go and get a hairdressing appointment just because you're emigrating.

01:07:15How true, old son.

01:07:18Tattoos, yes, but a shampoo and set.

01:07:21Of course, she may well have had some tattoos done while she was under the dryer.

01:07:25A couple of entwining serpents and a big head and shoulders of Archie in his deathbed.

01:07:30I'm surprised you never drink, Murray's son.

01:07:33Old Wilfred was over there the other night, caught that pair off an inflagrante delicto.

01:07:39Huh?

01:07:40Archie and you and Moira.

01:07:41They were playing Monopoly.

01:07:43Isn't that so, Wilfred?

01:07:45She had Archie's utilities off of while Wilfred would still shoot him in the dice and his egg cup.

01:07:52Well, I wouldn't advise that, old son, not unless you want your trotters to drop off.

01:07:56Shouldn't need anything that I'm upset.

01:07:58Just welcome to the bloody count.

01:08:07Andy!

01:08:08You are new.

01:08:10Found it.

01:08:11Found Studio B.

01:08:13I've got Beverly gave me.

01:08:15Just step over him, Mike.

01:08:17Sorry, Murray.

01:08:18You were talking to me.

01:08:20No.

01:08:22No.

01:08:22Just say whatever toodle-oo is in Esperanto to Winnie and the wee ones for us.

01:08:27I'll drop them a line from Gerard to tell them.

01:08:29Yes, I shall.

01:08:30Terribly fond of you and Moira.

01:08:32Winnie was getting them to make you a big card with a potato print of the Rockies on it and

01:08:37a verse or two in Quebecois.

01:08:40But I'm afraid they'll make the potato.

01:08:42Poor little bugger was ravenous.

01:08:45Well, what would she do about Ferdy?

01:08:48Michael!

01:08:49What's this I hear about you just becoming a dad?

01:08:53I might have said.

01:08:55What do you have?

01:08:56That was all of it I had.

01:08:58A boy?

01:08:59Just get the missus to wheel him in when they're up and about.

01:09:02We'll have a celebration.

01:09:04That's right.

01:09:04We'll all celebrate.

01:09:07I'll ask Winnie to bake a little cake for him.

01:09:09Nothing fancy.

01:09:11I got her to chuck one together for Wilfred's retirement a couple of years back.

01:09:16Lots of sponge fingers.

01:09:18Went down very well.

01:09:20You thought of her name, yeah?

01:09:22I suppose I'm Archie.

01:09:23That's proven very popular.

01:09:26Somewhere.

01:09:27Did I ask you to work late tonight, Max?

01:09:33Good night, Wilfred.

01:09:35Another day, right now.

01:09:38One more faltering footstep closer to the great abyss.

01:09:43Election special.

01:09:44We need two traffic personnel to be on constant standby through the night.

01:09:49If you're back into camera shot, don't forget to claim your appearance money, young Michael.

01:09:54Wilfred will keep you right.

01:09:57I'll get that.

01:09:59He's setting a precedent if you do, old son.

01:10:02So it's up to you.

01:10:31Save me letting some Bond Street dealer have them, old son.

01:10:34I'd only squander the little tight trousers and loose schoolteachers.

01:10:38How long?

01:10:39Is that you, Ben?

01:10:40Forget it, old son.

01:10:42She once came with the old dealer on a trip up north.

01:10:46This drink water as was.

01:10:49Definitely not lumberjack material.

01:10:53Meet till it's quiet and give Mario Hunch back a tinkle.

01:10:56He's still got one or two inflatable Christine Keeters in stock, I believe.

01:11:02Here.

01:11:06Wilfred's taken up low football.

01:11:13God!

01:11:14Where am I?

01:11:16Here's your answer, old son.

01:11:19Night, old son.

01:11:28Has anyone seen this sound like that?

01:11:30No there, boy.

01:11:32We know there, son.

01:11:33Down, good.

01:11:34See you, come on, sir.

01:11:40Oh, here.

01:11:42Here!

01:11:43One police studio.

01:11:45Going through the hassle.

01:11:49Ooh, what the ooh

01:11:54Mac's a hero, very hard to conceive of

01:11:58Tell her tales and don't be dares to believe

01:12:01Said maybe for Peter, who couldn't be sweeter

01:12:05He really was a yellow fellow

01:12:09Toodle-oo-ish pal, whom all of us wish well

01:12:13Now she's off to have that baby

01:12:15Yeah, or maybe

01:12:17They're on to Fergie

01:12:19He's a little bit nerdy

01:12:21He waved his chip a lot of time

01:12:24Bye, bye, bye

01:12:25Cheerio Murray

01:12:28A man in a hurry

01:12:30He had to get off to Toronto

01:12:31Pronto

01:12:32And then there was Wilfie

01:12:35His habits were filthy

01:12:37The dirty old mess and captain's gassum

01:12:41Bruce Moon is a chancer

01:12:43He's venting a dancer, know what I mean

01:12:45He's having a play with Dexie

01:12:48The Pexie

01:12:49So long to the rookie

01:12:51He's so tall, so kooky

01:12:53So pleased to be a ga-ga-ga

01:12:56Da-da-da

01:12:57They made us feel nervous

01:12:59He had to preserve us

01:13:02Preserve us

01:13:03From the gang you met

01:13:05On normal service

01:13:16We'll be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage of the results

01:13:25Up-to-the-minute coverage for the whole of Central Scotland in the run-up to the result itself

01:13:29We'll be talking to the candidates

01:13:31We'll be talking to the party leaders

01:13:33But above all, we'll be talking to you, the Scottish electorate

01:13:36Join Mario Cosimado on 4th and Clyde tonight at 9

01:13:41Scotland's future is in the balance

01:13:42And you are in a ringside seat for the battle of the parties

01:13:45Election special 64 tonight at 9 on 4th and Clyde Television

01:13:53FNC-TV

01:13:55FNC-TV

01:14:05FNC-TV

01:14:06FNC-TV

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