- 20 minutes ago
First broadcast 30th January 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Marcus Brigstocke
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Marcus Brigstocke
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome, welcome one and welcome all once again to Nevermind the
00:10Buzzcocks.
00:11I'm Natasha Kapinski and I'm not wearing any pants.
00:15No, no, I fooled you. Actually, I'm Stephen, really, and this is QI, though I'm not wearing pants.
00:21Tonight, we're playing footloose and fancy-free with the facts as we filter the fabrications of fakes, frauds, and fakirs.
00:30Let's meet our four finagling fraudsters. We have world heavyweight boxing champion, Sean Locke.
00:44We have the president of Mauritius, Jimmy Carr.
00:54His identical twin sister, Marcus Brinkstock.
01:04And the late Hugh Montgomery Massingbird.
01:15All right, now you might like to reveal who you really are.
01:18But before I sell you all, thank you, you can bring that down.
01:21Thank you very much.
01:23Before I sell you all a pup, let's hear your suspicious noises.
01:27Sean goes...
01:33Jimmy goes...
01:38Marcus goes...
01:41And Alan goes...
01:45Which brings me on to my first sleight of hand.
01:47Can you tell me all what your buzzer noises are?
01:50Jimmy first.
01:53What's that noise?
01:54A camera.
01:55Like a light.
01:56Oh!
01:57No, actually, it's a...
02:01It's a...
02:01Yeah?
02:04That's a phone.
02:05Is it not?
02:07Is it not?
02:08It's a bird that can mimic sounds, and it learned how to do the camera shutter.
02:14So what sort of bird would that be?
02:15A Kodak bird.
02:19It's not that.
02:20It's from Australia?
02:22Oh, the, uh, kookaburra?
02:23No.
02:24Sheila?
02:25No.
02:26The audience does say it get loudly.
02:28Liar!
02:29Liar!
02:29They're all shouting liar at you.
02:31You've robbed my point.
02:33You get one, the audience gets five.
02:42Jimmy's...
02:42The Kodak bird was indeed, in fact, a specific breed of liar bird called the superb liar bird.
02:48It can mimic anything?
02:49Almost anything.
02:50I'd make it woof.
02:52How funny would that be if you had a bird that woofed?
02:54It's hot.
02:56I'll get it to do limericks.
02:57It does dogs.
02:59I'll probably get it to do beer lardy.
03:03Surely that should be a bearded tit if it was anybody
03:08You're thinking of Rory McGrath
03:09Yours was a superb liar
03:14Marcus, let's hear yours
03:19It could easily be a builder, couldn't it?
03:22Seeing a lady go past
03:25But it sounds like a car alarm
03:30Yeah, I just wanted to see that happen
03:34Yeah, liar, bird
03:35Yes
03:46And here it is making that noise
03:52It's liar, incidentally, L-Y-R-E
03:55I knew that
03:55No, I've got a point if I'd said that
03:57No, because its tail is said to resemble the shape of a Greek lyre, the plucking instrument
04:02A lyre
04:03And let's hear your buzzer, Sean, if we may
04:06It's a lyrebird
04:11Well, I don't know what it's mimicking
04:14It's doing a sword, isn't it?
04:16It's doing logging
04:16It's mimicking logging
04:17It is indeed doing a chainsaw
04:19Is it a lyrebird?
04:20It's a lyrebird!
04:22You seem to have got the hang of this
04:23It's very annoying
04:24So, Alan
04:25The thing about
04:27That's a lyrebird
04:28No!
04:31No!
04:32No!
04:33No!
04:33No!
04:34Oh, dear!
04:35Even as I said it, I knew it wasn't
04:37Even as it was coming out of my best story of my life
04:39That was a telephone
04:40Yeah?
04:50I can't see that bird surviving for much longer
04:52If it's doing impressions of the chainsaw that's coming towards it
04:55I do, I can do chainsaws
04:57How does it benefit it in the wild?
04:59How does it benefit being able to mimic the noises of other things?
05:02It does a lot of kids' parties
05:05It seems to be a useful mechanism for it
05:09And for other birds, like parrots, as we know, and minor birds
05:11And something called the drongo
05:13The drongo imitates the alarm calls of other birds
05:17And cleverly, it knows which birds it's with
05:20And only will do the alarm call of the kookaburra if it's with the kookaburra, say
05:24That's clever, but it's also an insult in Australia
05:27To be called a drongo
05:28Do you know why?
05:30No, I wish I did
05:31I've been called it several times
05:32By an Australian friend of mine
05:34It is actually, it's the proper name for a bird, and always was
05:38But in the 1920s, there was a racehorse called drongo
05:40Who seemed to lose every single race that he was put in
05:44That explains in Australia, the word drongo
05:47You don't get any horses called Fred, or Sam
05:50Gerard?
05:51There was a dear Gerard
05:53There was one called Simon in the Grand National this year
05:55Just Simon?
05:56Yeah, that had my 40 quid
05:59Simon the horse
06:01You, she's not anymore
06:03Dog food now
06:04Yeah
06:07There's one called Eric in a joke
06:08Oh, a lovely joke, one of my favourites
06:10Would you like to share it with us just for a second?
06:12Yes, white horse goes into a pub
06:15And er
06:17He goes to the pub and the ladle says
06:18We've got a drink name after you
06:19And he says, what, Eric?
06:22It's simple and mature
06:24I told it quite well
06:26I like the way you threw it away
06:27Yeah
06:29The world record for any talking bird appears to be
06:321,728 words
06:35Which is the same vocabulary as it happens as an estate agent, apparently
06:39And it was a birdry guard named Puck in 1995
06:42Who sold three semis
06:44Yeah, who sold three semis
06:45Can he do sentences or just words?
06:48I don't know
06:49I don't know
06:49I simply don't know
06:52Sorry, do you know this one or not?
06:54I don't know
06:54You don't know?
06:55I don't know
06:55Well, do you or not?
06:58They're not really words though, are they?
07:00They're not words, are they?
07:02What aren't?
07:03Well, when birds say words, they're not words
07:05They're not words to our ears, they are
07:06You know, people want to learn to talk to the animals, don't they?
07:09People say, I'd like to talk to the animals
07:10That should be quite dull, wouldn't it?
07:12Talk to the animals, what you do
07:14Eat grass
07:15Grunt and squeak and squawk
07:16Didn't get killed
07:17Turn out all right
07:19Got out of bed
07:20Shack, right next to the bed
07:21Got back in the room
07:24It's the sort of thing they do
07:25Yeah, disgusting
07:26You're right
07:27Anyway, moving on
07:28The first three were, of course, all the work
07:30Of the finest fibre in the forest
07:31The superb lyrebird
07:33Which can imitate just about any sound it hears
07:36So now, what was unusual
07:38About the pig-faced lady?
07:41She ate tits
07:43As well
07:44She wasn't really a lady, she was a pig
07:47Yeah, if that's her, that is a pig
07:49No, no
07:50There was a very famous
07:51In fact, there were a number of famous pig-faced ladies
07:53In the 19th century
07:54So be a curiosity in a tent
07:56Thank you
07:57That's it, say that again
07:58So the ladies and gentlemen
07:59A curiosity in a tent
08:00Exactly right
08:01My favourite sort of curiosity
08:03Yeah
08:04Tented curiosity
08:05Tented curiosity
08:06It was a big draw in the 19th century
08:08For people to go
08:09Pay money to see the pig-faced lady
08:11The thing I was thinking about those freak shows is
08:13Rather than pay
08:13Yeah
08:14To go to the tent
08:14Why don't you just wait till they finish work
08:16And they go down the shop?
08:18You don't get all the build-up though, do you?
08:20If they're just down the shop
08:21You don't get someone saying
08:23Prepare for the wonderful
08:24Oh, she's just buying biscuits
08:26Yeah
08:27It's not the same thing
08:28Was it a bearded lady that they shaved?
08:31No, but it was a shaved
08:33Pig
08:34Pig
08:34No
08:35Monkey
08:36Not a monkey
08:37Monkeys would have to be huge
08:38It would have to be a gorilla
08:39Horse
08:39A gorilla
08:40Cow
08:42Not a cow
08:43A pig
08:43No, a pig would be too small
08:45To be convincing
08:46A woman
08:46A donkey
08:47You're thinking about little pigs in cartoons
08:49Two legs though
08:51And look like a human
08:53You put a dress on most things
08:54They can pull it off
08:56I look like one
08:57I put a dress on
08:58I think I heard
08:59Is it a bear?
09:01Yes, thank you
09:02It's a bear
09:03They shaved
09:04They would get a bear drunk
09:06Shave the bear's face
09:07Get a bear drunk
09:08And shave it
09:09They've got to show backwards
09:10That's what you want to see
09:12Don't worry about a pig-faced woman
09:13I see a man trying to shave a bear
09:17Have another drink
09:19I'm not going to do anything to you
09:21That's insane
09:22And then they stick his arm in a beehive
09:27When they call them drunk
09:28Was this like paralytic
09:31So it would then pass out
09:32And they'd shave it
09:33Or drunk enough to persuade it
09:34That this will work?
09:36One or other
09:37Drunk enough for it not to wipe your face off
09:39With it's claw
09:41Hot towel sir
09:45Oh God
09:46Oh God
09:48Oh God
09:48Oh God
09:49Oh God
09:50Here's a quite interesting thing
09:51Yeah?
09:52Water softens beard bristle up
09:55Better than shaving foam
09:57That's it
09:58Yeah
09:59Shaving foam
10:00Is a con
10:02I think there's a current advert on
10:04For some skin preparation for men
10:08That goes on about how your skin can get stronger
10:10Obviously they don't want to mark it moisturise the men
10:13So they call it face protector
10:14Yes
10:15Like it's
10:16It's stopping bullets
10:17Hitting
10:19Put it on
10:20Not to do with making me all soft and lovely
10:22It's actually bang and biting off
10:25People are throwing kettles at me
10:27I don't even feel it
10:30They have of course bearded ladies you've mentioned
10:33There's been a long tradition of those
10:34There was one rather sweet story of a bearded lady
10:37Who fell in love with the contortionist
10:39And
10:40This sounds like an old joke
10:41I know
10:41It does sound like a joke
10:43But it was a joke
10:44He wouldn't marry her
10:45Because he couldn't really face the idea
10:47Every morning of staring at a bearded woman
10:49But also if she shaved
10:51They couldn't get married
10:52Because they wouldn't have enough income
10:53Because her income came from the fact
10:55That she was a very successful bearded lady
10:57So he shaved a bear and married that?
11:00No
11:00Someone else suggested that she shave
11:02And cover herself in tattoos
11:04And she became the first tattooed lady
11:07Right
11:07And they married and lived very happily ever after
11:09Which is rather touching
11:10If he was a contortionist
11:11They could have had sex
11:12And he could have been in a different room
11:14That's indeed the nature of exactly that
11:17Samuel Gumperts was considered the king of the freak show
11:20People at Coney Island
11:21He had a 1911 show that included Ursa, the bear girl
11:25Bonita
11:26Is that just a naked lady?
11:28No
11:28The bear girl is misleading I think
11:30The E-A-R
11:31A lot of people paid their money and went
11:32No, this is rubbish
11:34She just looks like a bear
11:35If anything I'm turned off
11:37There was
11:39Bonita
11:39I don't know why this is funny
11:41The Irish fat midget
11:44You don't know why that's hard?
11:45Yeah, yeah, yeah
11:46I was just like that
11:46I like that
11:49Lionel the dog-faced boy
11:51And um
11:52Shreif Athendal the human salamander
11:55Salamanders can go in fire, can't they?
11:57That's the
11:58The legend
11:59Presumably that's what happened
12:00Well, how long can a salamander go in fire?
12:04That it's cooked
12:08Well, there you have it anyway
12:09The pig-faced lady was
12:11Neither pig-faced nor a lady
12:13She was in fact
12:14A drunken bear with a shaven head
12:17Now, what was Count Victor Lustig's
12:19Dastardly scheme
12:21For Guy de Maupassant's favourite restaurant in Paris?
12:24Did he put a creepy black and white cardboard cut out of himself
12:28In the middle of the place?
12:30Guy de Maupassant
12:31Nineteenth century French writer
12:34Like many French writers
12:36A surprising number of French writers and artists
12:39In the nineteenth century objected to something new that hit Paris
12:43Eiffel Tower
12:43In 1889
12:44The Eiffel Tower
12:45They absolutely loathed it
12:47Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much
12:50That his favourite restaurant was
12:53The Eiffel Tower is crap bistro
12:56No, it was in the Eiffel Tower
12:58Oh, so he didn't have to look at it
12:59So exactly
13:00The one place in Paris
13:02Where he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower
13:04Was inside the Eiffel Tower
13:05Could he not just ask for a
13:07Perhaps a chair facing the other way?
13:10He was a French writer trying to make a point
13:12And therefore a git
13:15Well, that's only half the story
13:16What did Count Victor Lustig
13:19Do to the Eiffel Tower?
13:21He sold it to someone
13:22Oh, you're on fire tonight
13:24I'm on fire
13:24I'm a salamander
13:25You're on fire
13:26You are a salamander
13:28You are a salamander
13:28He did indeed sell it
13:29Congratulations
13:30I'm a salamander
13:31I'm a salamander
13:32You are a salamander
13:32I'm a salamander
13:34I'm a salamander
13:35It's quite a good salamander
13:37They do that foot thing
13:38They probably do
13:39Cooling foot
13:40Cooling foot
13:44Salamander is amongst us
13:45So he sold the Eiffel Tower
13:49To a gullible tourist or something
13:50Well actually in this case
13:51It was scrap metal dealers
13:52He claimed that he had the single right
13:55Given to him by the Ministry of Posts and Telegraphy
13:58To the sale
13:59And that he could personally decide
14:02Who would get the scrap metal rights
14:03And he told this to two scrap metal dealers
14:05And they both realised that as he was a French official
14:08He could be bribed
14:09And so they paid him a large bribe for the rights to it
14:14He told them that it was going to be pulled down
14:16And that he had the rights to dispose of the scrap metal
14:17It was never a permanent thing was it
14:19They put it up for like a couple years
14:20So it was quite convincing fun
14:21It's like that big wheel on the South Bank
14:23That was meant to be up for two years
14:24And they went
14:24You know what I like it let's keep it
14:26There were fairground people
14:28The new labour when they came in
14:29They went
14:30What we need is a millennium dome and a big ferris wheel
14:33Come on
14:33You want to go faster you've got to scream loud
14:37And there's loads of pregnant teenagers knocking on number 10
14:40They go
14:41Where are you? You've moved on
14:44There was a great former actor from Glasgow called Arthur Ferguson
14:48He sold Nelson's Column, Lions Included
14:51To an American tourist for £6,000
14:54And on a trip to Paris he managed to sell the Eiffel Tower as well
14:57Also for scrap to another gullible American
14:59I love these people
15:00He then moved to the US
15:01I think they try lots and lots of people and eventually someone buys
15:05He sold the White House to an American
15:07Just brilliant
15:07You know
15:08Er
15:09Sell me, sell me
15:10He then tried to sell the Statue of Liberty to an Australian
15:13And that's where it fell down
15:14But er
15:15He went
15:16Oh look, come on mate
15:18He didn't even have the keys
15:21Where am I going to get him home?
15:26We need to guarantee
15:27Hey
15:28Well in case we think this is something that's gone away
15:31Only this year
15:322008 ladies and gentlemen as we go
15:34Two businessmen
15:35Called Terry Collins and Marcel Buchhorn
15:38Were conned out of £1 million
15:40By an unemployed bankrupt lorry driver
15:43Named Tony Lee
15:44Who claimed to be acting for the real owners
15:47In the sale of the Ritz Hotel
15:51And they paid £1 million for a sort of down payment on the Ritz
15:55A million
15:55Now, what kind of animal might be interested in buying some snake oil?
16:01I have some here
16:03Oh
16:03Yes
16:03Pig face lady
16:06Good point
16:07Is it made from snakes?
16:09Yeah
16:09Oil from a snake
16:11I imagine you just wring them out, they're quite long
16:13Yeah
16:14Someone at the other end like doing the towel
16:16Just keep turning it
16:18Plenty exactly
16:19Like a
16:19Is that a vile de mop you were doing there?
16:21What?
16:22It's not venom
16:22Is it taken from the venom?
16:24No, not from the venom
16:25No, it's an oil from the snake
16:27But there's a particular animal that is shown to benefit from it
16:30Maybe we would too
16:31Oh is it
16:32Is it a snake with bad joints?
16:36No, Jimmy
16:37Not a snake?
16:38No
16:38What do we mean by snake oil when we use the phrase these days?
16:42It means it's something that's not what it says it is
16:44It's a con
16:45It's a fraud
16:46Yeah, a sort of patent medicine
16:47Snake oil salesman
16:47In the 19th century when the Chinese arrived in America in large numbers
16:52They used it as a kind of potion of health thing amongst themselves
16:55And the snake oil salesman as it were had their own nostrums, their own tonics
17:01And they dismissed snake oil as precisely what they said
17:04You know, don't listen to people who try and send you snake oil, this is the real stuff
17:07But in fact, the irony is snake oil has been shown to be rather good
17:11Particularly Chinese snake oil because it's full of omega 3
17:15And on mice it's shown that it's improved their ability to negotiate mazes and strengthened their muscles
17:22And increase they can swim better
17:23In real life, of course, they're probably not in mazes
17:25No, in real life
17:26They put them in mazes
17:28They put them in mazes
17:28They look, they're better at getting out of mazes
17:31And they're just going, get out of the mazes and stop giving me this stuff to drink
17:36The idea of saying to mice in nature, yeah, what you want is more, eat more snakes
17:41The mouse is going, yeah, the thing is
17:43Yeah
17:43They can be a bit aggressive
17:45Yeah
17:45I'll tell you what, I'll get this one from the inside
17:51The most famous woman's face, some believe, in the 19th century was a woman called Lydia Pinkham
17:58Who was responsible for a very famous patent medicine called her compound
18:02No, is that where Lily the Pink comes from?
18:04It's where Lily the Pink comes from, the 60s song by the scaffold
18:08And it's her vegetable compound
18:10It was a huge success, and her face was on it
18:12And of course, most of these things had alcohol in
18:15Which, by the early 20th century, meant they were very popular in prohibition
18:18It turns out, ironically, that snake oil, empirically, has been discovered to be good
18:22At least for mice, it comes from the Chinese water snake
18:26And it's a source of omega-3, highly healthy acid
18:30Now, let's move on
18:32Describe the scandal of Mrs. Pankhurst and the rhubarb jam
18:37Pankhurst, she was a, she now, suffragettes and jams?
18:40We don't say suffragettes anymore, we say favours the flatter shoe
18:47Did she make her own jam? Pankhurst's own rhubarb jam?
18:52Well, no, but actually, in the 19th century, in the early part of the 20th century
18:56There was an enormous industry involved around making fake jams, I believe
19:01Fake jams?
19:02Fake jams, there was a particular kind of jam that was very popular
19:05You know, but rather expensive for ordinary people
19:07Yeah
19:07And so, fake versions of it were produced
19:10And it was a particular fruit jam
19:11Strawberry?
19:13Raspberry?
19:13Raspberry is the answer
19:14Raspberry is very popular, very, very popular
19:16But rather expensive
19:17So, instead people used, rhubarb was your best chop, your worst chop was sweetened turnips
19:25And, as Mark has said under his breath there
19:27Yes, did they?
19:28And I caught it
19:29Yes, they did put wooden pips in, not real pips, but fake pips
19:33Mmm, a lovely word
19:34Mmm, a lovely word
19:35To make it look more like
19:37And, this is why it gets so weird
19:40So prevalent was this habit of making false raspberry jam out of sweetened turnips and rhubarb and adding the wood
19:48bits
19:48That there was a trade of making little wooden pips
19:52Right
19:52And it was sweated labour that Mrs. Sylvia Pankhurst, one of the leading women's movement people
19:59Who, you know, fought for votes for women and rights for women and so on
20:02That she made an enormous fuss about this and indeed opened her own jam factory during the first world war
20:07Selling real jam instead of this
20:09It does sound like a euphemism for something else
20:12No
20:13Yeah, she's opened her jam factory
20:14Oh
20:15It's awful
20:16You're just disgusting
20:18No, it's just
20:19It sounds
20:20Quite wrongly
20:21I like the idea that you can have a job as a pit maker
20:23Yeah, I know, that's exactly what a pit maker
20:26Five years apprenticeship
20:27Mmm
20:27Making pits
20:28Still have the great big pits like that
20:30Where they're smaller and smaller
20:31And, and being very badly paid
20:33At it
20:34Anyway, they
20:35Presumably they, they got away with it if it lasted that long
20:38So it must have been raspberry-ish
20:40I guess
20:41It was sugary
20:42It was sweet and it was red
20:43What do they call jam in America?
20:46Jell-o
20:47Jell-o
20:49Jell-o
20:49No, no
20:49Jelly
20:50Jelly
20:51I want some jam
20:52Jell-o
20:53Put some jam on my pancakes
20:56Jelly
20:57They call it jelly
20:58I'm still saying jam
21:00Yes you are
21:01You're still saying jam
21:02In your way
21:04I think it's funny when I say jam
21:07They make it with, they mix it with peanut butter as well
21:10Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
21:11Got an interesting fact about peanut butter
21:12Tell me
21:13You know when they make those commercials using chimps
21:15Like for tea and things
21:17For tea and stuff
21:17So what they do is they get a little bit of peanut butter and they put it on the top
21:20Oh yes they do
21:21The roof of their mouth for the monkeys
21:22And a little bit they go
21:23And that is also how they make Hollyoaks
21:29Very good
21:31Very good indeed
21:33So it's done
21:34There we have it
21:36The pips in fake raspberry jam often made from rhubarb with little bits of wood processed by sweatshop female labour
21:43Now you are the detective for these questions coming up
21:47We all think we can spot a con but tell me how you would have dealt with these situations
21:52You've become suspicious of three buxom young women who are coming out of the telephone exchange
21:57Carrying heavy suitcases and jangling
22:01Where is the jangling coming from?
22:02Is it coming from
22:03A. The telephone exchange
22:04B. The suitcases
22:06Or C. Their bosoms
22:09D. My trousers
22:13Right
22:13And we are in Miami in 1950
22:15This was a very well known scandal at the time
22:17These women were responsible for the money that got collected from the phone boxes
22:26And their job was to put the money into these counting machines
22:31And they worked out that as long as they stole the money before it went into the counting machines
22:37The phone company had no idea of how much money there was
22:40So they would take money and put it into their breasts
22:43And then put it in the counting machine
22:45Once it's in the counting machine it's accounted for
22:47But over a number of years
22:49No one quite knows how much they got away with
22:51Maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars
22:53In their breasts
22:55And eventually they got found out
22:57There we have a picture
22:59It looks like she's gone to a really bad strip club
23:03People have only got change
23:04There you go love
23:06That'll do you
23:07Might be cold sorry about that
23:08I have one note
23:09The headline on the day that this happened was
23:11Justice as elastic as the items in which they carried their loot
23:15Snapped back today
23:16On members of Miami's brassiere brigade
23:19That's what
23:20That was a headline
23:22That was a headline
23:22It was a huge story
23:23You go money in their tits
23:25Yes
23:26I'm afraid it would be exactly as that
23:28Titty cash
23:30Tit bag grabs
23:32Yeah
23:34And then there'd be a girl on page three
23:36And it would say
23:37Zoe is very disappointed by the Brazil
23:40She thinks it's wrong to steal
23:43Do you seem to know their ways very well?
23:45I know
23:46She's delighted that Saddam Hussein has been found in a hole
23:49That was one of my favourite part
23:52I don't think she knew what that meant
23:56Stephanie is delighted that Saddam Hussein has been captured
24:02In fact
24:04When I found out he'd been captured
24:05A little moment
24:08Just celebrate
24:09I'm ashamed of you
24:11It's not real
24:11It's your imagination
24:12I'm just doing that
24:14That will not answer
24:16I wish I could do that
24:18In no
24:19I can oddly
24:21But unfortunately
24:22You have to celebrate
24:23My nipples are going in the wrong direction
24:25They're dropping an inch a year
24:26It's terrible
24:28However
24:29I have
24:30Can you get a pencil underneath them?
24:32I can get Colin Montgomery under
24:40He must have been livid about that
24:44In 1950
24:45The Brazier Brigade defrauded the Southern Bell Telephone Company
24:48By hiding the takings in their bra
24:51This is your next question
24:52You're in the bath when the king of Syracuse calls
24:55He's got a dodgy tiara for you
24:57What do you say?
24:58Always when you're in the bath
24:59Yeah
25:01Well my first rep
25:02Is it a trick question?
25:03Because if I'm in the bath
25:03I've already got a tiara on
25:07Indeed this diadem
25:08This coronet
25:09That the king of Syracuse
25:12Wants you to have a look at
25:13Sorry and he's called me
25:14And I've got reception back to the 13th century
25:17No it's a lot earlier than that
25:19How early is it?
25:19Oh it's way back
25:20Oh way back
25:21Okay
25:22I don't want to get too specific
25:23That's enough information
25:24About 200 BC
25:25200 BC and he's called me in the bath
25:27He's going do you want to buy a tiara?
25:29No he's got a dodgy gold crown or tiara
25:32Right
25:32And he needs something from you
25:35He needs information from you about this crown
25:37See whether it's the real crown or not
25:40See whether it's gold or not
25:41Yeah
25:41So were you saying how would I prove it's gold?
25:44Something to do with the bath?
25:45Yeah
25:46I put it in the bath?
25:47Yeah
25:48Does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath?
25:52It's actually crown jewels
25:53Oh so
25:59There's something to do with the density of it
26:02The density of gold is unique to itself
26:04So that if you had two crowns that weighed the same
26:06You couldn't tell whether one was gold or not
26:08Just by their weight
26:09Even if they were the same size
26:10But they would displace different amounts of water
26:13When placed in the water
26:14And so this particular man Archimedes
26:16Pondering this problem that had been given by the king
26:19Gets in the bath
26:20Sees the water rise
26:21And leaps out of the bath shouting
26:23Eureka
26:24Exactly
26:26I really thought you were going to say Arsenal then Alice
26:30Yes Eureka
26:31Archimedes famous bath time moment
26:33Came from trying to think of a way
26:34To check how gold a gold crown really was
26:38Now let's see how well you know yourself
26:40I'm going to describe one of you
26:42And I want you to buzz in when you think you know which one it is
26:44That I'm talking about
26:44You tend to be
26:46Well that's me
26:48You tend to be too critical of yourself
26:50You have
26:52Considerable unused capacity that you have not yet turned to your advantage
26:56At times you have serious doubts about whether you've made the right decision
27:00Or done the right thing
27:02Some of your goals are rather unrealistic
27:05You have a need for other people to like and admire you
27:08Stop looking, keep looking at me
27:11We're all
27:12We're all
27:13We're all
27:13We're all
27:13Comedians
27:14Everything you've said is
27:16Exactly
27:16All of us
27:17Exactly
27:18Not just comedians but of course everybody else
27:19It's an example of what
27:20No no no we are special
27:21Well you are obviously
27:23Particularly special
27:24It's an example of what's known as Barnum statements
27:27Or cold reading as used by fraudulent psychics clairvoyance and so on
27:31Real ones don't need it, they contact the dead
27:33Yes
27:33You look like you've been arrested at a foreign airport for drug dealing there
27:38There's that
27:39Trying desperately to look innocent
27:41There's someone just put them in my bag
27:42Yes
27:43And this bear, I didn't shave that
27:46That's my wife
27:49There are classic types of Barnum statements like rainbow statements which describe
27:55So many people they cover all the bases
27:57You have a very generous and giving nature
27:59Although if you're honest about it there have been times when you've acted in a rather selfish way
28:04There's the vanishing negative
28:06Where they say you don't work with children do you?
28:10So that whatever the person says
28:11I don't know what you've heard
28:12If they say
28:13Why are you wrong?
28:15If they say yes
28:17You say yes I thought so
28:18If they say no no I didn't think so
28:20No I thought not
28:20But people fall for it all the time
28:22How do you do that?
28:23Yeah exactly
28:24What if you said have you ever laid an egg?
28:27Just once
28:28Yeah they go no
28:29Oh I've got that wrong
28:32That'd be a much better accent
28:33It's really out on a limb
28:34And then there are escape hatches
28:36Does the name Wendy mean anything to you?
28:38Yes it does
28:38Yeah I thought so
28:39Exactly
28:40I've got a cousin called Wendy
28:41No you see I thought so
28:42I thought so
28:43And of course
28:44If you say no
28:45Say it to Alan
28:46Have you got a wedding in life?
28:47No
28:47You will have very soon
28:50There is
28:51I'm getting a Wendy
28:52There will be a Wendy
28:53People have just tuned in from living TV going it's the same show
28:58Exactly
28:58It is
28:59This is on again it's brilliant
29:01There are two called Forer questions as well
29:03There was a man called Forer who died in 2000 who was a sort of psychologist and so on
29:07He got his students to mark out of five various statements that he gave for each one of them
29:13And they were of course all identical
29:15I'm going on the road with this
29:18They all got the same one
29:29Yes what the hell
29:31Turns out
29:32Oh Roman
29:33Roman your mum
29:35She loves it
29:38She's actually married the devil
29:43They never say that
29:44No they tend not to do
29:45Yeah but I will
29:49Forer effect or personal validation fallacy is a technique used by astrologers and fortune tellers and other liars
29:56To create apparently specific but in fact almost universal statements
30:00Some things are obvious trickery though
30:02What's the trick behind sword swallowing?
30:05Wipe it first
30:07Yep
30:08Stop when you reach the handle
30:11Never use a scimitar
30:14Doesn't it just fold up?
30:16No no there are people who believe
30:19There are people who insist on believing that it is a sort of fake summer but it is genuine
30:23People do
30:23I wonder if if it comes out it's got a bit of meat on the end
30:28I think the actual secret of doing it is to do it really quick and if it gets caught on
30:32anything just jab it
30:36What do you think the most common complaint is when they go and see doctors?
30:39I imagine it's gastric
30:41It's a sore throat
30:43Is it?
30:44Pretty obviously but they genuinely do suffer from sore throats
30:46And they pop it down and there's a limit
30:4961 centimeters
30:50Any longer than 61 centimeters
30:52You could gravely injure yourself but anything less than 40 centimeters
30:56And you are not recognized as a sword swallower by the association of sword swallower
31:02What if you're short?
31:03I mean surely height
31:04You'd think but unfortunately the the society of sword swallowers has laid down 40 centimeters
31:10Yeah because if you're a midget you've got to stab yourself through the ass
31:14Nice
31:18How do you not just gag immediately?
31:21That's that's the point if there's a trick to it not a trick to it but the secret of it
31:24is you have to learn how to overcome your gag reflexes
31:27The first thing
31:27That's a very horrible hard thing to do
31:29I have that with their eyes so I can't make content
31:31I just actually gag when I touch my eye
31:33You're putting them in wrong
31:33Do you?
31:34Yeah
31:40Put them in the front
31:42You know like
31:42You know if you
31:43If you pull a Pekingese's tail his eyes pop out
31:46You know that?
31:47Yeah
31:48What?
31:48That's a fact
31:49Oh
31:50That's the rest of my week sorted
31:51I buy the Pekingese
31:52Oh I line them up
31:54I line them up
31:55No no no
31:59It's like that
32:00I touch my
32:00Touch my eye
32:01I actually go
32:02Really?
32:03It's a 4,000 year old art
32:06It seems sword swallowing
32:08It's not a trick at all
32:09It's a real skill
32:11That's the point
32:12Now what is?
32:14Tell me what about the vegetable lamb of tartary
32:16Anybody?
32:18Is it the
32:19The bastard child of a lamb and a turnip?
32:22Not a turnip
32:24Wandered lonely until it was
32:26Came across a pig faced lady
32:28There were many people
32:30Well sheep didn't have a go on a cauliflower
32:32When it was pissed or something did it?
32:35Is it a kebab?
32:36Not a kebab
32:37No but
32:37When
32:38If you ever put like this
32:40Might be made of wool suit
32:41But the shirt would be made of
32:43Cotton
32:44Cotton
32:49Cotton
32:49Bless you Sean for trying
32:54Cotton
32:54And there were a lot of people
32:56Who thought the idea
32:58And indeed if you ever stood in a cotton field
32:59You can understand it
33:00Thought the idea of
33:02A plant that exploded
33:04With that kind of fabric
33:05Was just ridiculous
33:07And that it must really be a sheep
33:08A sheep plant
33:10And so was born the legend
33:13Which was much
33:14There you see drawing
33:15And that was believed by
33:21Some people to exist
33:22But then when you
33:23Consider in the 16th century
33:25As people were discovering new animals
33:27Some of them astounding
33:28And new plants
33:30That is by no means as odd
33:31As some of the things that nature does throw
33:33I think that's sort of
33:34The equivalent of creationism isn't it?
33:36People going yeah
33:37That's probably how it happened
33:37Yeah
33:39Exactly
33:39One moves the other
33:40She might just have wandered on top of that plant
33:42And then it grew really fast
33:47It's a very surprise
33:53What's tartary?
33:54Tartary is the sort of far east
33:56Where the tartars come from
33:57Sort of Mongolia area
33:58Is that where cotton comes from?
34:00No
34:00I don't think it's where it comes from
34:03It might be
34:04I thought a tartary was a brothel
34:06Very good
34:07Very good
34:08A tartary
34:08But the vegetable land of tartary came from nowhere
34:11It was believed to be a cross between a sheep and a plant
34:14And was used to explain where cotton came from
34:16And so we reach
34:18The toast of conmen fraudsters and swinders everywhere
34:21General ignorance
34:22What's new London Bridge doing in Arizona?
34:27Yay
34:30It was bought as a tourist attraction
34:34And er
34:35And it's the third most popular tourist attraction in America
34:38And it acts as a dry way of getting across some water
34:42That sounds pretty good to me
34:44Nothing's gone off
34:45No
34:46Sometimes the obvious answer is the truth
34:48Is it true that they thought they were buying Tower Bridge?
34:56No
34:56No
34:57No
34:57No
34:57No
34:57That was the wrong one
34:58It was Michael McCulloch of McCulloch's Oil who bought it
35:01And he bought it after much negotiation
35:03And er
35:03Indeed there are photographs of him
35:05Looking round it and working out how to transport it
35:07So he knew perfectly well what bridge he was buying
35:10It was called New London Bridge because the old London Bridge had been crossing the Thames at that point for
35:15how long?
35:16A million years
35:17300 years or so
35:19Since the time of the dinosaurs they built it
35:22600 years
35:22It was big enough for a blue whale to go under
35:25It held good for 600 years and was covered in shops and buildings
35:29It was much quicker to get a ferry across than to try and walk across the bridge
35:33It was so filled with entertainment and shops and all
35:36I wanna bridge that again
35:37And pubs
35:38I know isn't it wonderful?
35:39I wish it was still like that
35:40Anyway, Robert McCulloch his name was
35:42He took New London Bridge to Arizona to promote his new settlement at Lake Havasu
35:47Where it's been a huge success
35:49Contrary to the myth he never thought he was buying Tower Bridge
35:53Er
35:54A lot of what we eat seems to be faked these days
35:57If I send you down to the shops for some butter and they don't have any
36:00What could you get me instead?
36:02Some beer
36:02Get some beer
36:03Yes you could
36:04But instead of butter
36:05Margerine
36:05People get margerine
36:07Ah
36:08Yeah
36:10You can't palm me off with margerine I was about to say
36:12But that sounds rather weird
36:13Er
36:14Er
36:14Er
36:16You can
36:17Er
36:18No, you can't
36:19You literally cannot buy margerine in England anymore
36:22Can you get it on the internet?
36:24Possibly but not from Britain
36:25Yeah
36:26There's dodgy, dodgy margerine sites
36:28Yeah
36:28The UK Spreads Association
36:31They used to be called the Margerine and Spreads Association
36:34We would like to make it clear their spokesman told a startled QI researcher
36:39We would like to make it clear that there are no brands of margerine on sale in Britain today
36:45Is it because margerine contains
36:46Change the name
36:47Because it contains 80 to 90% fat
36:49Its natural colour margerine is
36:52Blue
36:54White in fact
36:55And in America the dairy industry was so horrified by it in the 19th century when it was invented
37:00That they had various laws insisting that it not be coloured yellow to look like butter
37:05So it stayed white or indeed in some extreme states where the dairy industry was very powerful like New Hampshire
37:10They insisted that it be coloured red
37:12So it really put people off spreading it on their toast
37:14Now, how many commandments are there?
37:17Oh!
37:18Yes
37:19Are we talking about the commandments that God dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai?
37:24Yeah
37:24Literally none, never happened
37:29How many are there?
37:31How many are there?
37:34Oh, yeah, well now you see I've buzzed but I fear if I said 10
37:42That might happen
37:44I think the Catholic Church have just added some new ones
37:48No, I'm talking about the original
37:50The original ones
37:51Nine
37:52Eight
37:53Oh
37:57There used to be that story where the angel is sent down and he goes to the French and says
38:03to them
38:03I've got some commandments and the French say we'll give an example
38:05They say, well, thou shalt not commit adultery
38:08He says, I'm not interested, go away
38:10He goes off then to the Germans and says, look, I've got these commandments I'm trying to shift
38:14And the Germans say, what do they say?
38:15He says, well, for example, thou shalt not kill
38:17I don't think so
38:19He goes to the Italians and says, look, would you like some of these commandments?
38:22He says, what do they say?
38:23He says, well, here's one saying thou shalt not steal
38:24Ah, go away
38:26Then he goes to the Jews and says, like, we've got these commandments, how much are they?
38:28They're free, I'll take ten
38:32It's quite interesting, if you look at the ten commandments, thou shalt not kill
38:36Which should be the major one, really, should be the top, comes in about number five
38:40It's got quite low billing
38:41And it should be in bold
38:43You think that's in bold
38:44A lot of stuff is just like nicking, staring at other people's wives
38:47Well, in the list of those commandments that were taken down from the mountain
38:51There were actually fourteen in both Exodus and Deuteronomy
38:54Not ten
38:55But in Exodus, generally speaking, there are six hundred and thirteen commandments
38:59Including the really important ones that should be, as you say, put in bold
39:02Like, you shall not suffer a witch to live
39:05Or, you shall never vex a stranger
39:09Well, this show should be taken off
39:11Yeah
39:12Whomsoever lies with a beast shall be surely put to death
39:15Well, especially when it rolls over
39:17Yeah
39:18Well, exactly
39:19In the night
39:20Did it say anything about it?
39:21I didn't know she was a bear
39:25I thought she was a pig
39:27No, that doesn't do
39:30Why do we think there's ten, then?
39:31It's referred to as ten in other books
39:33But no, there's a list of ten
39:34I mean, there is a list of ten, can't
39:35Yeah, but the list you go to Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5
39:37It's not ten
39:38They're actually divided
39:39Some of them are divided
39:40Doesn't mention anything about smoking, does it?
39:43It doesn't
39:43It doesn't
39:44Where can you say
39:46Be good
39:46If you can't be good, be lucky
39:50Always wash your brushes and put your ladders away
39:52Yeah
39:53So anyway, in the book of Exodus chapter 20 there are 14 commandments
39:58If you include the rest of the book we get up to 613
40:01When I flip this coin that I have handily perched here
40:06What are the chances of it coming up ahead?
40:0950-50
40:09Oh
40:12You just keep walking into that lamppost, Alan
40:14I'm with Alan
40:15Everything's 50-50, isn't it?
40:17Winning the lottery is 50-50
40:19You either win it or you don't
40:21Roll in a six
40:22You either roll a six or you don't
40:2450-50
40:24Yeah
40:25Naturally tossed coins obey the laws of mechanics and their flight is determined by their initial conditions
40:31And it's been discovered that if a human is flipping them as opposed to a machine
40:35And you do it thousands and thousands of times rather than exactly 50-50
40:40It will actually be 51% the one that's upwards in this case heads
40:46I mean if you did it a hundred times it would never come down 51-49
40:51Never?
40:52Are you saying that?
40:53I think most people would say 100 isn't enough for 50-50 to establish itself
40:58It could easily be 50 heads in a row
40:59This is true
41:00But what are the chances?
41:02But you are the chances
41:03It's like I don't
41:04I still can't get my head around the notion that it's just as likely to have one, two, three, four,
41:09five, six on the lottery
41:10Yes
41:10And I still go
41:11It just wouldn't happen
41:14But you know why? You know why sir? Because it's a lottery
41:17Yeah
41:18I mean the clues in the title
41:19It is, yeah
41:22And after all that I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that that's all we have time for
41:26Our 100% guaranteed authentic winner this evening
41:32Wow, this is so close, it's very exciting
41:34With minus 16 points it's Sean Larkov
41:37Thank you
41:40Yes
41:41Thank you
41:42this is the night's first
41:43Still as sound as a pound
41:45With minus 18 is Jimmy Carr
41:55But, in third place, far from last, with minus 21, Alan Davis
42:01Wow. You probably think you know who is coming last. I will tell you, in fourth place with
42:14minus 26, it's Marcus Brickstock. So it's goodbye from Jimmy, Marcus, Sean, Alan and
42:28myself. We hope that this show has been a warning to you all against choosing the
42:31powers of fraud and fakery. As Groucho Marx said, the secret of life is honesty and
42:37fair dealing. And if you can fake that, you've got it made. Good night.
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