00:01Previously on How I Met Your Mother.
00:02She was completely amazing.
00:04She was amazing and funny and...
00:07You have feelings for Ted.
00:09Maybe.
00:10I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany.
00:14Do you want to try long distance?
00:16Yes.
00:16This long distance thing sucks, huh?
00:18And I really need to talk to you tonight.
00:20She's going to dump me.
00:21She's not going to break up with you, Ted.
00:23Hello?
00:25Do you want to come over?
00:40Kids, your grandma always used to say to me,
00:42nothing good happens after 2 a.m.
00:45And she was right.
00:46When 2 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep.
00:49Case in point.
00:54Hello?
00:55Hi, Ted.
00:56It's Robin.
00:56Um, listen, I know it's light, but do you want to come over?
01:02Let's back up a little bit.
01:16Sit.
01:17Good boys.
01:19Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.
01:23See the night.
01:25So, the life of a television reporter is very rewarding,
01:29and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career.
01:36Yeah.
01:37Do you have a fiancé?
01:40Marshall was here yesterday.
01:42They just learned the word fiancé.
01:43Oh, um, no, I don't have a fiancé.
01:46And who do you live with?
01:47Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
01:51Don't you get lonely?
01:52No, I've got five dogs.
01:55My girl has five cats, and she gets lonely.
01:58Well, yeah, that's cats.
02:00I'm not some pathetic cat lady.
02:02Not that your grandmother is...
02:04Does anyone else have a...
02:06Yes.
02:07Are you a lesbian?
02:08No, are you?
02:09Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a lesbian.
02:11Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin, the reporter.
02:15All right, our next guest is another...
02:18So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks?
02:20Because I just saw one.
02:21Oh, tiny five.
02:25Laugh now.
02:26Those kids are monsters.
02:27They're going to eat you alive.
02:29He has a job doing...
02:31What do you do?
02:33Please.
02:34Kids, let's wrap.
02:36You guys don't give half a brown crayola what I do for a living, do you?
02:39No.
02:40No, no.
02:41I know what you want.
02:44Magic.
02:44Yay!
02:47Hello.
02:48Why hasn't she called yet?
02:49Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
02:51It's Saturday night.
02:52Go out and do something.
02:53Not what's the point of going out.
02:54I got a girlfriend.
02:56For now.
02:57Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news?
02:59I'm like half your viewership.
03:00Ah, I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.
03:05And we're clear.
03:07So, Shabatsky, got a boyfriend?
03:09No.
03:09And why does this keep coming up today?
03:12Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with...
03:13What?
03:14Oh, no, that was Ted.
03:15He's just a friend.
03:16I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated, but we want completely different things.
03:22Anyway, now he has his girlfriend in Germany, and he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight,
03:25but I don't think she is.
03:27And besides, we want completely different things.
03:30We should have sex.
03:32What?
03:32Why not?
03:34We're both available.
03:35We're both attractive.
03:36We're both good at it.
03:37At least, I'm good at it.
03:39And even if you're not, don't worry.
03:40I'll have a good time either way.
03:42Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard,
03:47I don't get involved with people I work with.
03:50Get involved?
03:51Who said get involved?
03:53I'm just saying we should have sex.
03:54It'd be fun.
03:55We're all in fun.
03:56Having sex is fun.
03:58Home number.
03:59Call me any time.
04:00A lot of local teams in action tonight.
04:05Hey, guys.
04:08Miss me?
04:12I miss you, too.
04:14I miss you, too.
05:03Hi, Ted.
05:04It's Robin.
05:06Listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?
05:22Ted?
05:23Uh, yeah.
05:24Uh, hi.
05:24I'm here.
05:26Do you want to come over?
05:28Why?
05:28What's up?
05:30Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer, and I was going to make some juice, and I
05:36was
05:36like, you know who likes juice?
05:38Ted.
05:41I love juice.
05:42Great.
05:43So, you want to come over and make juice?
05:46When it's after 2 a.m., just go to sleep, because the decisions you make after 2 a.m.
05:52are the wrong decisions.
05:54Okay.
05:55Sure.
05:55I'll come over.
05:56We'll juice.
05:58Yes.
05:58We'll juice.
05:59Okay.
06:01Okay.
06:02Bye.
06:03Bye.
06:10This is fine.
06:11This is totally fine.
06:13What's fine?
06:14Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice.
06:18Nice.
06:19No, it's not like that.
06:21We're juicing as friends.
06:23See, I have this girlfriend, uh, I would never cheat on her.
06:26She lives in Germany.
06:29See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk.
06:33I still haven't heard from her.
06:34I don't know.
06:36Sorry to bug you with my problems.
06:38Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh?
06:42You ain't kidding, kid.
06:45Want a nap?
06:46You can just let me out right up here.
06:49Where are you going to, buddy?
06:51Park slope, eighth and eighth.
06:55Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy.
06:57See, I have a girlfriend, but going over to this other girl's house...
07:00And you're wondering if I'd be upset.
07:02Gah!
07:03I tell you.
07:04Remember me?
07:05You're a girlfriend.
07:05Okay, relax.
07:07Robin's just a friend.
07:08Right.
07:08You're gonna go and make some juice.
07:10Yes.
07:11Yes.
07:11Juice is perfectly harmless.
07:13In fact, it's healthy.
07:14Oh, yeah?
07:15Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked?
07:17I am not wondering.
07:19Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only because you put it in my head.
07:22Ah, but I am just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually you put it in your own head.
07:27Damn it!
07:28Nothing's gonna happen.
07:29Right.
07:30Okay, okay.
07:31You want a second opinion?
07:32Fine.
07:38Hey, did she call?
07:40No.
07:40I need a ruling.
07:42Um, I'm not...
07:43Yeah, this is stupid.
07:44It's not even a big deal.
07:45But I'm on my way over to Robin's right now.
07:48She got a new juicer, whatever.
07:50We're gonna test it out.
07:52Let me call you back.
07:59Honey, there's a situation developing.
08:02Do you remember the huge secret that you told me that you weren't supposed to, but you did?
08:06The thing about Robin?
08:08Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted?
08:10What?
08:11Yeah, she told me already.
08:12Go on.
08:13Wait, so I'm the only one that she didn't tell?
08:15She told you and not me?
08:17Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.
08:20Oh, well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
08:23That is a lie.
08:24It is not a lie.
08:25Okay, that's it.
08:26You and me.
08:26Oh, you think you...
08:27Take me, come on.
08:28I'll show you things you've never seen before.
08:30I used to box in the army.
08:32You're a dox in the army.
08:35Come on, pick up.
08:37Damn it, Victoria.
08:38Where are you?
08:38Pick up, pick up.
08:40Cupcake.
08:41Okay, sorry.
08:42Where are you?
08:43Why haven't you called?
08:44Oh, I'm out hooking up.
08:46Oh.
08:47With three other guys.
08:49Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now.
08:53Yeah, why do I doubt that?
08:58Hello?
08:58Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulfuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house.
09:06And it's melting through the sidewalk.
09:07You can see straight down into hell.
09:08It's bad.
09:09You should go home, dude.
09:11Marshall, it's fine.
09:13Nothing's gonna happen.
09:14Ted, what does your mom always say?
09:17Nothing good ever happens.
09:18Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.
09:20Go home.
09:20It's too late for juice.
09:22Dude, Robin and I are just friends.
09:24She doesn't even like me that way.
09:25Yes, she does.
09:27She likes you, she told me.
09:29What?
09:30It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you.
09:33But she's very vulnerable right now, and you have a girlfriend.
09:37Go home, Ted.
09:39She likes me?
09:40Yes.
09:41So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there.
09:44Go home, Ted.
09:47She likes me?
09:49Go home, Ted.
09:52Uh, you're right.
09:53I'll, uh, I'll see you at home.
09:57Good.
09:58He's going home.
09:59He is so not going home.
10:01I cannot believe you just told him.
10:03What do you mean?
10:04Lily, here's what you just said.
10:06Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there.
10:08There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you.
10:10And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice.
10:14No, he's not going up there.
10:16He has more sense than that.
10:18I did have more sense than that.
10:21Keep the change.
10:22But after 2 a.m., my good sense was sound asleep.
10:42So you're doing this?
10:43You're going up there?
10:44You want to get out of the way?
10:46I'm not in the way.
10:48You know, if you had just called me, I would...
10:57Hi.
10:57Hey, uh, um, I got some vegetables.
11:00I got carrots.
11:01I got beets.
11:01Or we could just drink wine.
11:03Wine not.
11:04Wow, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said.
11:06Oh, I'm sorry.
11:09Make it a big glass?
11:10Sure.
11:12So how's it hanging?
11:16Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens,
11:20but by the end of it, you have no idea who you are anymore
11:25or what the hell you're doing with your life?
11:27Do you ever have one of those days?
11:29Uh, about once a week.
11:31I don't know.
11:32It was just a rough day,
11:34and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you.
11:41So, um, how was the big phone call with your girlfriend?
11:44When the clock strikes two, just go to sleep.
11:48We broke up.
11:51What?
11:52Yeah, yeah, she finally called.
11:54Uh, we talked for a while.
11:55How hard long distance is, and then she dumped me.
12:00Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
12:02That's just terrible.
12:04I feel awful.
12:06You're smiling.
12:08Am I?
12:09No, I'm not.
12:10Oh, I'm a news anchor.
12:12Smiling's a part of the job.
12:14Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today.
12:17See?
12:20You're smiling, too.
12:24Yeah.
12:25I have no idea what that's all about.
12:31There's got to be a morning after.
12:35How much does Korean Elvis rock?
12:38I'll answer that.
12:39Infinity.
12:40He rocks.
12:42Infinity.
12:44Okay, it's time for bed.
12:45What?
12:46No, it's 2.30.
12:48Then nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.
12:50You know, I have found in my travels that all the best things in life happen after 2 a.m.
12:58When I look back at the best stories of my life, the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got
13:03in at the Russian embassy, the almost four-way.
13:06You never had a four-way.
13:06I said I'll post.
13:09All those things happened after 2 a.m.
13:11Because after 2 a.m. is when things get, audience, say it with me, legendary.
13:19What's that?
13:20Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof?
13:22Okay.
13:26Korean Elvis, how would you like to have a drink with me and my friends?
13:31Rock and roll.
13:33And it begins.
13:37So, um, hey, I got a new phone.
13:41Same as yours.
13:42Look.
13:42Oh, yeah.
13:43Uh, do you like it?
13:45Yeah.
13:46Yeah.
13:47This is some solid small talk.
13:49I had that other phone, and it was good, but I think the whole time a little part of me
13:55wanted this phone instead.
13:57This phone, um, feels right.
14:03Wow.
14:04Weird.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Uh.
14:07I should probably take this.
14:09I'll be here.
14:16Hello?
14:17Ted, this is your main man, K.E.
14:19I want you to shake your tail, feathered down, hey, ASAP, you dig?
14:22Okay.
14:23Sorry about that.
14:24Was that Korean Elvis?
14:25I'll explain later.
14:27I'll explain later.
14:27Hey, we're heading down to McLaren's.
14:28Um, actually, I met Robbins.
14:33Yeah, and, um, I might have done something bad.
14:36I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria.
14:41Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
14:47Expect from me, it's Robin.
14:49I mean, Victoria's great, but it's Robin.
14:53I've made up my mind.
14:54I'm gonna end it with Victoria.
14:55Gonna?
14:55Anna?
14:56Yes.
14:56First thing tomorrow.
14:57Okay, but as of right now at 2.45 a.m., you still have a girlfriend.
15:05Ted, I love you.
15:06I love Robin.
15:07But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime.
15:13Just go home, Ted.
15:14Don't do this the wrong way.
15:16I hate how you're always right.
15:18It's my best and most annoying treat.
15:24I'm coming home.
15:24I'll see you soon.
15:30Hey.
15:31Hey.
15:39I should probably get going.
15:41It's pretty late.
15:44I'm sorry.
15:45Oh, no.
15:46I understand.
15:46It's fine.
15:50Can I call you tomorrow?
15:52Totally.
15:53Totally.
15:54Call me tomorrow.
15:54Okay.
15:55Good night, Robin.
15:56Good night, Ted.
16:28Good night.
16:31Oh, my God.
16:33We're making out.
16:34Right?
16:35This is crazy.
16:36Right?
16:39Should we go to my room?
16:41I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
16:43Yeah.
16:44Yeah?
16:44Yeah.
16:48I just, um...
16:50I have to run to the bathroom real quick.
16:55Okay.
17:08Josh!
17:09Stop doing that!
17:11Whatcha doing?
17:13I'm calling you.
17:15We're breaking up.
17:16I'm doing this right now.
17:17I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man.
17:19Okay.
17:20Hey.
17:21Say, Ted.
17:21How long do you think that conversation's gonna be?
17:24Length of an average pee?
17:25No.
17:26We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes.
17:29Robin's out there.
17:30She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive...
17:32What do you want from me?
17:33People break up.
17:34It happens.
17:36Not like this.
17:37Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.
17:42It's not ideal.
17:45Meanwhile, back at the bar, Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2 a.m.
17:50Come on, Lily.
17:52How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
17:59I think you just spout him.
18:01Barney, you tried.
18:03I think that's great, but we're going.
18:04No!
18:05No, come on!
18:06Yes!
18:06Dude, we haven't hit legendary yet.
18:08We're only at the left.
18:09We still got the gen.
18:10The death.
18:11The reed.
18:12Okay.
18:13If we're at the lads, then I say we follow it up with it.
18:16Go home.
18:17Oh, wow.
18:18You just got burned.
18:19Phonic style.
18:21No, no, no, no, no.
18:23Baby, baby, baby, don't go.
18:25Just one dance, huh?
18:27Okay, seriously.
18:28Hey, I know what you like.
18:37And so, Barney was right.
18:40The night was legendary.
18:41It would come to be known as the time Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards.
18:45Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?
18:52You're right.
18:53I owe you a real breakup call.
18:55I'll call you tomorrow.
18:57Good.
18:58So you're going to go home?
19:00Why should I have to go home?
19:03You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry.
19:06Ten.
19:07It could happen!
19:08And so, really, what's it going to matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?
19:13Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but it's Robin.
19:19And I'm exhausted.
19:20I am.
19:20I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her.
19:22I think that makes this okay.
19:24Oh, please.
19:25You just want to get laid.
19:27Yes, I do.
19:28You got me.
19:29That is exactly what I want right now.
19:31And so what?
19:32I want this.
19:33She wants this.
19:34It's happening.
19:35And if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany.
19:38It's been nice pretending to talk to you.
19:40Thanks for not calling me, and good night.
19:44That's not your phone.
19:47This isn't my phone.
19:55Okay.
19:56Bye.
19:59I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
20:03Was it?
20:04It was your girlfriend.
20:06You might want to call her back.
20:30I called Victoria from the cab, and we broke up.
20:34Yes.
20:36And there you have it, kids.
20:38The stupidest thing I've ever done.
20:41In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about.
20:45And none of it would have happened if I had just listened to my mom.
20:50Saying I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face.
20:57Leaves me empty.
20:59So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this.
21:02When it's after 2 a.m.
21:05When it's after 2 a.m., just go to sleep.
21:07We promise to have.
21:10We promise to have.
21:11Oh, we promise to hold.
21:17How does a promise ever grow old?
21:29What's that promise ever?
21:31And the good number?
21:33Well, I'll see you later.
21:43We'll see you later.
21:47You'll be the best way.
21:48I'll see you later.
21:54You still have a new episode of the Longсwide.
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