- 2 minutes ago
Watch How I Met Your Mother () Bachelor Party ( AMZN WEB DL x265 Silence) Season 2 Episode 19 online in HD on Dailymotion (2005).
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01It took me a while to figure out,
00:03but the key to understanding your Uncle Barney is this.
00:06When times are hard, it's impossible to keep him around.
00:09Like when your Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were broken up.
00:12Hey, what are you guys talking about?
00:14Lily.
00:15I gotta go.
00:18But when times are good, it's impossible to get rid of him.
00:21What are you guys doing?
00:22We just finished planning Marshall's bachelor party.
00:24Good, you haven't started yet. Let's talk logistics.
00:26Now, have you laid out ground rules with Lily?
00:28Where you are or aren't allowed to touch or be touched?
00:31Show me on ten.
00:32Actually, we're thinking of skipping the strippers.
00:36You wanna have a party without strippers?
00:39This was the worst thing I could have said.
00:41You see, Uncle Barney loved cooking up bachelor parties.
00:43And it was always the same recipe.
00:45You start with a slightly cramped hotel suite.
00:49Arrange the chairs in a circle.
00:51Fill them with your closest friends.
00:53Turn the heat up to about 90.
00:56Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.
00:59And then, right in the middle of the room, you throw in a girl.
01:02But not a beautiful girl.
01:04No, if this girl was ever beautiful, it was two kids, three tattoos,
01:07and one pesky substance abuse problem ago.
01:11Which one of you is Stuart?
01:13Please, I really don't wanna do this.
01:15Shut up.
01:16Put in your mouth guard.
01:22Then she proceeds to do things that demean the groom, herself, and really the entire human race.
01:28Disgusting.
01:30Horrifying.
01:31Classic.
01:34I don't want anything like that happening to me.
01:37Stuart's still trying to forget that night.
01:38It's my bachelor party.
01:40We're not having strippers.
01:41Oh, he thinks he has a say in it.
01:43So strippers it is!
01:45Now, just tell me where we're gonna be, and I'll make some calls.
01:48I think I can get the fourth one for free.
01:50Quick question.
01:51Prosthetic arm.
01:52Gill breaker?
01:53Barney, there it is.
01:54Before you say no, it has attachments.
02:13Look, I know you have some stuff planned for Marshall's basketball party.
02:16But he really doesn't want strippers.
02:18Yes, he does.
02:18Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
02:20Uh, well, he told me he does.
02:22When?
02:22Every minute of every day as his inner animal thrashes against the cage of his own puritanical upbringing.
02:27Would you guys not like naked girls?
02:30Um, we love naked girls.
02:33They're one of the best things in the world.
02:35It goes, naked girls, democracy, the scene in every which way but loose where the monkey gives the guy the
02:40finger.
02:41We just don't like your naked girls.
02:43What, my girls aren't hot enough?
02:44I mean, all right, fine.
02:46The stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.
02:49She was 15?
02:50Uh, 15.
02:52Like, in blackjack.
02:53As in, not sure whether you'd hit it.
02:56Exactly.
02:58Nice.
02:59This is important to Marshall, so promise me, no strippers.
03:04All right, I promise.
03:07I'm serious.
03:09So am I.
03:09No strippers.
03:12Now say it without winking.
03:15No strippers.
03:18You just winked.
03:19No I didn't.
03:23So when the day arrived, we all climbed into a rented escalade and set out.
03:28Now every bachelor party is usually made up of the same stock characters.
03:32You've got the groom.
03:33The best man.
03:35The guy who speaks only in cliches.
03:37Dead man walking.
03:40The guy who disappears at the beginning of the night and doesn't show up again until the end.
03:43All right, so who's up for a little blackjack before we check in?
03:47No.
03:48No.
03:49See you guys back at the room then.
03:51And of course, well, Barney.
03:54Every bachelor party has a Barney.
03:56Oh, what's this?
03:58This car is a DVD player.
04:00You mean we could have been watching these pornos the whole time?
04:05This one's in HD.
04:07This one's in HD.
04:10Oh!
04:11That same night, Aunt Lily was having a wedding shower.
04:14And Robin showed up gift in hand.
04:17Funny story about that gift.
04:18Hey, Barney.
04:20Check out what I got Lily for her shower.
04:21It's kinda racy.
04:22Think you can handle it?
04:24Uh, I've been in a ten way, so yeah.
04:32It's kinda see-through.
04:33Whoa-ho-ho!
04:35You weren't kidding.
04:36You know when you should give that to her?
04:391850!
04:40Robin, it's her bridal shower.
04:43All her friends are gonna be there.
04:44They're gonna be drinking.
04:45You need to get her something daring, something outrageous.
04:47Well, what do you think I should get her?
04:50There's a store on 8th Avenue that specializes in...
04:54How to put this delicately?
04:56Uh, battery-powered adult recreational fake penises.
05:03And so Aunt Robin went to a store on 8th Avenue
05:06and bought a battery-powered adult recreational...
05:09Well, it was something inappropriate.
05:10And we're back in.
05:17Robin?
05:18Oh!
05:19I'm so glad you're here.
05:21Come in, I want you to meet everybody.
05:23Robin, this is my Grandma Lois.
05:25And my Aunt Lauren.
05:26Oh, nice to meet you, dear.
05:28They put this whole party together.
05:30Oh!
05:31It's different from what I expected, but lovely.
05:34Lovely.
05:36Oh, look, there are little kids here!
05:37Yeah, my cousins.
05:38Listen, I, uh, I forgot something somewhere,
05:41so I'm gonna just go and...
05:41Robin, this is my mom, Janet.
05:43Oh!
05:44Oh!
05:44I'm so glad to finally meet you.
05:47Oh, me too.
05:47I've heard so much about you.
05:49Oh, here.
05:50Oh.
05:50Let me take your gift.
05:53Um...
05:54Guess what it is?
05:55Is it a, uh, a mini food processor?
05:58No.
05:59No.
05:59Oh, give me a hint.
06:00What color is it?
06:02Black.
06:03Black?
06:05I guess I'm just gonna have to wait and see.
06:08Oh.
06:10Robin?
06:11This is my cousin Margaret.
06:13Oh, finally someone our own age.
06:15Wait.
06:16Do I introduce you as cousin Margaret or sister Margaret?
06:19Well, I'm not officially confirmed as a nun until next month,
06:22and I don't want to tick off the big guy,
06:24so stick with cousin for now.
06:27God's watching.
06:28Excellent.
06:33Man, they spent a lot of money on this porno.
06:36Whoa!
06:37Morgan Freeman?
06:38Man, that guy's in everything.
06:41Man, I grabbed the wrong deep impact.
06:44Well, leave it in.
06:45It's a good movie.
06:46But, dude, there's no sex in it.
06:48Yeah, just like marriage.
06:49Huh?
06:49Right?
06:52Oh, oh!
06:53Hey, piss out.
06:53Don't ask how, but I procured for us five loco bueno,
06:58hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.
07:01Seriously, you can go to jail for smoking these things.
07:03The marriage is like jail.
07:04Right, fellas?
07:07At least in jail you get to have sex.
07:12But we're not lighting these babies up until we get to the A.C.
07:16A.C.?
07:17Oh, Atlantic City.
07:18Try to keep up, Brad.
07:20We're not going to Atlantic City.
07:23Just a second, Brad.
07:29Hi.
07:30Hi.
07:31Um, we're still going to Atlantic City, right?
07:34Oh, did I not tell you?
07:35Yeah, we switched it.
07:36We're going to Foxwoods.
07:38Foxwoods?
07:38But I've got an Ipper Stray waiting in Atlantic A. Itty-say.
07:45What the heck's in Foxwoods?
07:47Well, we got five third row seats to the Popinski-Salazar rematch.
07:50They've set aside our very own craps table.
07:52And I reserved a private room for us at Connelly's
07:55where the five of us are going to be sharing a hundred and two ounce steak
07:57from a cow that I picked out on the internet.
08:00Yeah.
08:01Great.
08:01The night's ruined.
08:03All right, Barney.
08:04It was an honest mistake.
08:09This is going to be great.
08:12Meat.
08:13Violence.
08:13Throwing money down the toilet.
08:15America won.
08:16Every other country, zero.
08:17Thanks, guys.
08:20You okay, Barney?
08:21What can I say, Ted?
08:22You won.
08:24Hi.
08:26You won.
08:27Sad.
08:28Pathetic.
08:28Loser.
08:29Boys, say hello to treasure.
08:32Hi, treasure.
08:34I can't believe that you did this.
08:36I have to.
08:37I'm your best man.
08:37Ted's my best man.
08:38You've yet to make a decision, and that's fine.
08:40But as your best man to be, it's my job to make sure, at your bachelor party, you see a
08:44woman take her clothes off while dancing to White Snake's Here I Go Again.
08:51All right, fine.
08:52But let's make it fast, all right?
08:54The fight starts in an hour.
08:55We don't want to miss it.
08:56It's a girl taking her clothes off.
08:57How long can it take?
08:58Yeah, it's a bit more complicated than that.
09:00I need two grounded sockets, a large sterile pot filled with hot water, and you all need to sign these
09:04releases.
09:09An egg beater!
09:11Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia.
09:14I love that it's cordless.
09:15Well, at least I got that part right.
09:18All of these gifts are so thoughtful.
09:22Lily, I need you to look at me right now and read my mind.
09:26Oh, my God, you're hearing me.
09:28Yeah.
09:29Sorry this party's so boring.
09:31What's up?
09:32Do not open my gift.
09:34See what I'm doing here?
09:36I'm looking over at the gift, then back at you.
09:40And I'm shaking my head.
09:42No.
09:43Gift.
09:44You.
09:45No.
09:46Are you getting that?
09:48I totally got it.
09:53Oh!
09:56Here you go.
09:59Lily said it was your time of the month.
10:03You're welcome.
10:10What are you doing?
10:12Oh.
10:12Just, um, rearranging the gifts.
10:15The pile looked a bit precarious.
10:17So, don't worry.
10:18I'll keep an eye on it.
10:20Great.
10:21You do that.
10:22You're gonna make a damn good nun.
10:29As many times as Robin told this story over the years, she would never quite be able to explain the
10:33logic of her next move.
10:42Is this a strip show or a kiss concert?
10:44Shh.
10:45She's starting.
10:47Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, and sense of shame.
10:51All right, boys.
10:52Lie back, get comfortable, and enjoy the show.
11:01Of course, there's no way I'm gonna tell you about her show, so let's skip ahead a little.
11:05Ow!
11:07Oh, my God.
11:08Are you all right?
11:09No, I am not all right, you idiot.
11:11My ankle is broken.
11:12Take me to the hospital.
11:13Um, actually, we have tickets.
11:15Uh-huh!
11:17You know what?
11:18Thanks a lot, Barney.
11:19She told you at the beginning of the show not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity
11:22hop.
11:22Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my bachelor party in a hospital.
11:25Well, hey, maybe we'll get to see her x-rays.
11:27The ultimate strip show.
11:29X-rays.
11:30They're like triple x-rays.
11:31Just stop.
11:37Which exits the hospital?
11:38What if she doesn't make it to the hospital?
11:40Barney, please calm down.
11:42Maybe we should just take her to the desert, bury her, and wash our hands of this whole thing.
11:45Dude, what is the matter with you?
11:46I'm just trying to illustrate to Marshall that as his best man-
11:49You're not my best man.
11:49As his best man, I would help him bury a hooker in the desert.
11:52I'm not a hooker.
11:53And you're not my best man.
11:54You've ruined my bachelor party.
11:56I don't know why you wouldn't just listen to me when I said I didn't want this.
11:59Well, the fight started ten minutes ago. Maybe we should listen.
12:02Oh, Doctor, what a fight.
12:04That knockout will be talked about for years to come.
12:06Anyone lucky enough to be in the arena tonight, just witness boxing history in the Mickey.
12:12Thank you so much, Margaret.
12:14I can't believe you've carved that crucifix yourself.
12:17Sleep tight.
12:18It's good.
12:25This one's from Grandma Lois.
12:30Oh, my God.
12:33Before you open this, I want to say a few words.
12:36Okay, something you need to know.
12:39Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter an antique sewing machine.
12:44And we're back in.
12:45Honey, this handy little device has been in our family for generations.
12:52I used it.
12:53Your great-grandmother used it.
12:55Now, her mother didn't use this one, but she used one just like it.
12:59Of course, back then, they were made out of wood.
13:02And, uh, just before that, you just had to do it by hand.
13:07Would you pass the wine, please?
13:08No.
13:10Hey, Marshall.
13:12While we're here, you may as well go down to the morgue and climb into a drawer,
13:15because that's what marriage is like.
13:17Can I get an amen?
13:21Is everything all right at home, Stuart?
13:22No.
13:32It's broken.
13:33Oh, damn it, this is bad.
13:35I really can't lose this job.
13:38My daughters are about to start school.
13:41And my fiancé, well, ever since he got back from Iraq, pretty much all he does is drink.
13:47I think about leaving him, but I don't want my girls growing up without a dad like I did.
13:54I don't want them to know what that's like.
14:00So, showtime?
14:01What is the matter with you?
14:03Her ankle's broken.
14:05I know for a fact that the second half of her act takes place largely in a seated or supine
14:10position.
14:10Well, that's true.
14:12Treasure, please, don't worry about the show.
14:15Uh, we'd feel bad.
14:17What does that mean?
14:19No, we just mean, uh, you're off the hook.
14:21You don't have to do it.
14:22I don't have to do it? Well, guess what?
14:24I know I don't have to do it.
14:27I do it because I am good at it.
14:30Look, I don't need your pity.
14:32All I want to do is give you a great show because you're getting married.
14:35Is that too much to ask?
14:37Is that such a major inconvenience?
14:41Oh, wow.
14:51Oh, that is wrong.
14:53Oh, it's just so wrong.
14:56Well, the doctor did say for her to keep it elevated.
15:04When I was a girl, my mother taught me and my sister to use it.
15:08We used to have contests to see who could finish faster.
15:11It was so exciting.
15:13The whole family would gather around to watch.
15:16And when I was a new bride, this is what kept me busy.
15:21All those long nights when your grandfather was in Korea.
15:25And speaking of your grandpa,
15:27though I don't think he'd care to admit this to any of his army buddies,
15:31but he'd have a go at it every once in a while.
15:36And he enjoyed it.
15:39Oh, open it up, sweetie.
15:41May this gift bring you as much joy as it brought me.
15:45Oh, jeez.
16:08Kerma, um...
16:11Well...
16:14take it out, honey.
16:15I want to show you how to use it.
16:19No, no, no, don't take it out.
16:22Lily, that's not your grandma's gift. It's mine.
16:24I panicked and I switched the cards because I was embarrassed.
16:28Well, what is it?
16:40It's just like the one Miranda gave to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
16:44Oh, I love that show. I always watch it on TVS.
16:47Well, you would. You're such a Samantha.
16:50Oh, I'm not caring for you, Samantha.
16:54And then the night became a whole new kind of uncomfortable.
16:58So, where do I get one of these?
17:00Mom!
17:01Mom!
17:05Man, what a show, huh?
17:07You did some disgusting stuff. It really sticks with you.
17:11I may be done eating.
17:13Me, too.
17:14I mean, like, forever.
17:17Me, too.
17:18I miss my wife.
17:21Hey, let's go around the table and say what our favorite part was.
17:25Mine was that thing with the typewriter.
17:28I mean, she made some spelling mistakes, but still.
17:32And you guys are all,
17:33Barney, put out the cigar. It's a non-smoking room.
17:36And I was all, hell no, this is a Cuban.
17:39Of course, eventually, I did put it out.
17:42Did I put it out?
17:44I put it out.
17:46Did I put it out?
17:49Did I put it out?
17:53It was a small fire, not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel,
17:57but definitely big enough to get us kicked out
17:59and bring Marshall's Bats the Party to an early end.
18:02Is that it?
18:05It is.
18:11Hey, guys.
18:15That was a fight.
18:20Hey, what are you guys doing here?
18:21What happened to the bachelor party?
18:23We missed the fight.
18:24Dinner was ruined.
18:26We spent half the night in the hospital and got kicked out of the hotel.
18:29What do you think happened?
18:30Barney.
18:31Barney.
18:31Hey, I was just trying to be a good best man.
18:34You know what a best man does, Barney?
18:36He does what the groom wants.
18:37But all you ever think about is what you want.
18:39What's best for you, best man.
18:41I'm not even sure I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point.
18:43You don't mean that.
18:45Why should I invite you?
18:46You don't even want us to get married.
18:51That's not true.
18:52Lily, don't.
18:54What?
18:57I'm sorry, Barney.
18:59It happened last summer when we were broken up.
19:03Hey.
19:04What are you guys talking about?
19:06We're leaving.
19:07Uh, I gotta go.
19:14Newer care book, please.
19:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:25Barney, what are you doing here?
19:26I can't believe it's really you.
19:27Come in, have a seat.
19:27Do you want some tea?
19:28I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space.
19:30Let me show you some of my paintings.
19:31I think it's some of my best work ever.
19:32Just stop it.
19:34Lily, you have to come home.
19:35You and Marshall belong together.
19:37The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for and never find.
19:41I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now,
19:43you wouldn't be here for one more second.
19:46I bought you a ticket home.
19:48Marshall is one of the best people I know,
19:50and it won't be long until someone else realizes that,
19:52and you'll lose him forever.
19:54I can't stand the thought of that happening,
19:56and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever.
19:59Never, ever tell anyone I was here.
20:01I will deny it tooth and nail.
20:03This trip never happened.
20:07Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do?
20:10Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?
20:16You really did that?
20:23Marshall, I think Barney's your best man.
20:26Yeah.
20:27Yeah.
20:28Yes, he is.
20:28See, Lily, this is why.
20:30I didn't...
20:31Really?
20:32Really.
20:35In your face, loser!
20:38Take it easy, alright.
20:40Ted's still my best man, too.
20:41You guys are co-best men.
20:43Right.
20:44Yes, we're both best men.
20:47No, um, seriously, you guys are co-best men.
20:50Of course.
20:55It's a win, it's a win.
20:56Well, I'm saying, I'm agreeing.
20:58And we'll both be best men.
21:02I can't believe you got me this.
21:05Oh, I only did it as a joke.
21:06I can return it for you if you want.
21:08Oh, no, it's okay.
21:09You don't have to go all the way back down there.
21:11I'll just throw it away.
21:12Well, I mean, if you're gonna throw it away, maybe I'll take it in case I get invited to
21:16another wedding shower.
21:17It's a great gag gift.
21:18Yeah, it's really funny.
21:21You know who would get a kick out of it?
21:23Marshall.
21:23So maybe I'll just hold on to it.
21:26I would be embarrassed if Marshall found out that I bought it for you.
21:29So I better just take it.
21:30Robin, leave it.
21:55I'll see you next week.
21:55We'll be present week and then we'll be there for the
21:57We'll be back.
Comments