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Watch How I Met Your Mother () The Scorpion and the Toad ( AMZN WEB DL x265 Silence) Season 2 Episode 2 online in HD on Dailymotion (2005).
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00:01Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years until she dumped him and ran
00:06off to San Francisco. The healing process was taking a long time. Then one night, he
00:13made a giant leap forward.
00:15All right, I'll see you guys later.
00:17I'll walk you out.
00:18See ya.
00:23You just checked out Robin's ass. What? No, I... Barney, I was...
00:27Dude, that's awesome. You're finally forgetting about that short redhead.
00:33Lily. Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was gonna drive me crazy all night. Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your
00:38girlfriend's ass.
00:39I did not, Ted. I never...
00:40That's awesome. You're finally getting better.
00:43This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I am gonna teach you how to live.
00:48Ted, you had your chance. You're out, Marshall's in.
00:50Yes!
00:51Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like...
00:56What's something everybody likes?
00:58Candy.
00:59Yes! It's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers.
01:05Yeah.
01:07Is Whoppers the best one?
01:09Bounds.
01:10Milk duds.
01:11Gobstoppers.
01:13Um...
01:14This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end.
01:17Double bubbles.
01:18Nice!
01:19Marshall, we're doing this. I am not taking no for an answer.
01:23Fine.
01:24Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass.
01:26Ted, what's wrong with you?
01:28He checked out my ass?
01:29Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day.
01:33Cool. See ya.
01:38Billy.
01:40It is a great ass.
01:57None of us had seen Lily in three months. There were so many unanswered questions. So many things to say.
02:03Your hair is adorable.
02:06Look at you.
02:08Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17.
02:13Hi. Have you met Marshall?
02:16Hi.
02:20Look how sweaty my hands are.
02:23It's weird, right? Uh, sweat?
02:25Like this smelly water coming out of your skin?
02:31It was nice meeting you.
02:33I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, um, do you like magic?
02:38Um, I guess.
02:40Cool.
02:41Oh, my God!
02:48Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag? His idea.
02:53Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming. You were funny. You were totally working that girl.
03:00You went home with her.
03:01Yes, I did.
03:03But she told me that if it wasn't for me, you would have had a shot with her.
03:08So, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. All right!
03:12Hypothetical high five.
03:15Nice!
03:16All right. Tonight, we're gonna go to the bar.
03:19Barney, no, I'm not going out with you ever again.
03:22Come on! I'll-I'll teach you all of my strategies.
03:25Oh, really?
03:25My favorite, number seven. Create a mystery about yourself.
03:29That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night.
03:33Oh, come on. Does that really work?
03:35Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't.
03:41Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in.
03:46I will not believe what just happened.
03:48I have something you brought in here. You go first.
03:51I found a 1939 penny on the subway.
03:54Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy has seen.
03:57Lily's back in town.
03:59And you let me go first? Have you seen her?
04:02Uh, yeah. I actually went apartment hunting with her today.
04:06How's she doing?
04:07You're not gonna like it.
04:09I am doing great.
04:11Oh, this summer, best thing ever. San Francisco is so happening right now.
04:16She's happy?
04:18Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy.
04:22Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever.
04:26Oh, the art program, best thing ever.
04:29Oh, my God.
04:31This is your best work.
04:33In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so...
04:37Needless to say, this is art.
04:42I can't teach you anything.
04:48What, the best part of SF?
04:50Oh, that's what we call San Francisco.
04:52The people.
04:54Even just riding around on the bus all summer,
04:56it was like a human tapestry.
04:59Hi, I'm Mike.
05:00I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer.
05:04I'm Paula.
05:05I sing in a punk dance for children.
05:07Yeah.
05:08I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.
05:10You are stunning, by the way.
05:15Wow, I'm so happy for you.
05:18Oh, jeez, such a...
05:21After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated,
05:25crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret.
05:29You never chose sides.
05:30I respect that.
05:31She's unbelievable.
05:32Unbelievable.
05:33Unbelievable?
05:34What's unbelievable?
05:36Listen, Marshall.
05:37Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting.
05:44Way to go.
05:48Okay, first of all, that is interesting.
05:51Second, we have to tell him.
05:53No, we don't.
05:53He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney.
05:56I mean, how do you think he's gonna feel when he hears Lily's moved on?
06:00She's moved on?
06:01It happens.
06:02I've fallen out of love faster than that before.
06:04Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever.
06:07One day we're in love, the next day he's dead to me.
06:11But we're great.
06:13Honey.
06:17Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating.
06:20Lesson two, corollary five.
06:23Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive, and she'll be putty in your
06:27hands.
06:27Excellent.
06:28Have you chosen your entree?
06:30I have.
06:31Sweet brunette.
06:32Eight o'clock.
06:33Nine o'clock.
06:34Ten.
06:34Thirty.
06:34She's walking to the bar.
06:37Her?
06:38Really?
06:38Yeah.
06:39No, you're right.
06:40Ambition is the enemy of success.
06:42Okay.
06:43Hit it.
06:48What's the matter, Four Eyes?
06:49You got a stigmatism or something?
06:50I'm sorry.
06:51I was trying to playfully disarm you, but I just got out of a long relationship.
06:54I have no idea what I'm...
06:57I'm Marshall.
06:58Hi, Marshall.
06:59Amy.
07:00Don't worry.
07:01I've been there.
07:02Hold on.
07:03Nice recovery.
07:04I think it's working.
07:06Um, Amy.
07:07This is my friend Barney.
07:08Barney.
07:09This is Amy.
07:10Hi, Barney.
07:11Nice to meet you.
07:12Hi.
07:13Nice to meet you.
07:15Amy, do you like magic?
07:18I hate you.
07:19I am so sorry.
07:21It's a sickness.
07:22I'm the real victim here.
07:24Twice.
07:25Twice in a row you took my candy.
07:27That was my candy.
07:29I know, but tonight...
07:31No, forget it.
07:32You're such a jackass.
07:37I thought you were gonna call me a jerk.
07:40All right, I'm sorry, but I will make it up to you.
07:43Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU.
07:46The Scorpion and the Toad.
07:48I figure in a younger crowd, you'll see more mature,
07:50more worldly, and as a third-year law student,
07:53more smarter.
07:59Okay, but no magic.
08:04How did you do that?
08:05I'm taking a leak, dumbass.
08:09The next day, Robin and I went apartment hunting with Aunt Lily.
08:12But I need the freedom to really chase my passion,
08:15which was painting, but now I think it's music.
08:18Or spoken word.
08:19Maybe both.
08:20God, isn't life amazing?
08:21No.
08:22It is so great to see you, Ted.
08:24Oh, I'm gonna get the key from the lockbox.
08:30What?
08:31She's miserable.
08:32She's realized she's made a huge mistake.
08:34Her and Marshall will be back together in a week.
08:36I love it!
08:36Um, no, you just want Lily to be miserable.
08:39The truth is, she's happy.
08:40Trust me.
08:40I've known Lily for nine years.
08:42Trust me.
08:42I'm a girl.
08:43Yeah, but you're Canadian.
08:45Why do you always have to bring that up?
08:47You bring it up every time.
08:48No, all right.
08:48Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
08:51You're on.
08:53Five American bucks.
08:54Damn it.
08:56Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her?
08:58Tequila.
08:59It's her weakness.
09:00Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything.
09:03I hope this is my new home.
09:08Yeah, I'm gonna take that first apartment.
09:13Marshall Erickson, suit up!
09:15No way.
09:16Yeah, you're good in that.
09:17Let's go.
09:18Wait.
09:19Empty your pockets.
09:22Come on.
09:28Come on.
09:29Ahem.
09:30Sleeves?
09:31There is nothing in my...
09:32Oh, is that right?
09:38Huh?
09:40Huh?
09:41Let's go.
09:42Ahem.
09:43Behind my ear.
09:44Oh, there is nothing behind your...
09:46Oh.
09:48Oh.
09:52Yeah, I'm in pre-law.
09:54The workload's killing me, though.
09:55Oh, tell me about it.
09:56I'm, uh, third year at Columbia Law, so...
09:58If the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction.
10:03Yeah.
10:04You must be majoring in chemistry,
10:06because what I'm picking up between us is, uh...
10:10College lesbian phase.
10:16Listen, I gotta go, but it'd be great to see you again.
10:21Yes, it would.
10:23It really would.
10:25Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime.
10:28Tch.
10:29Probably not.
10:29I'm never here, so...
10:31Huh.
10:31You know, I do have a phone number.
10:33Great.
10:35Nice.
10:37Hi.
10:38I'm Barney.
10:39Oh, no.
10:39Do you...
10:41mind giving my friend your phone number?
10:43Sure.
10:46Woo!
10:48I did it!
10:49I got a girl's phone number!
10:51Oh, and her handwriting is so cute.
10:53Look.
10:53Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinese food,
10:55and then maybe we'll walk through the park.
10:57It'll be so...
10:57What?
10:59Sorry, buddy.
11:00I'm taking this one, too.
11:07Don't kill you!
11:08And then I discovered this area in North Beach.
11:11Best beach ever!
11:12Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer.
11:16How are you guys doing?
11:18And, hey, how's Marshall?
11:19Give me the card!
11:20I'm not giving you any card!
11:21I swear they're on in the face of the...
11:23Terrific.
11:24That is so good to hear.
11:26Oh.
11:26Hold on.
11:27This could be about the apartment.
11:30Okay, we're way past truth-telling, Lily,
11:33and about to hit Cinco de Mayo 1998, Lily,
11:35and I'm not cleaning that up again.
11:36So, congratulations.
11:39You win.
11:40She's happy.
11:42I didn't get it.
11:44That first apartment, I...
11:46I waited too long, and...
11:48somebody else got it.
11:54Interesting.
11:56Wow, Lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction
12:00to losing an apartment.
12:01I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost
12:04because you couldn't commit.
12:06No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding
12:09and the real hardwood floors.
12:11There's no deeper meaning.
12:12Right, Lily?
12:13And just quit crying and tell him.
12:16The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall.
12:20Marshall!
12:27Stop it!
12:28You don't want to see what I'm like when I'm angry!
12:31Hold on!
12:32If we can't settle this like gentlemen,
12:34then no one gets the number.
12:35Ah!
12:36Stop, Kev!
12:39No, wait, come on!
12:40Wait!
12:40Marshall!
12:4281st and 1st, please.
12:45Oh, she does have cute handwriting.
12:51The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
12:55Morning, guys!
12:56What can I get you?
12:56Shh!
12:57Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna mout you got.
13:00And a milkshake.
13:01For you, sir.
13:05Gravy.
13:07You want that gravy on something?
13:10Surprise me.
13:11I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here.
13:15Just kidding.
13:16I'm good.
13:19What are you so chirpy about?
13:21She's still drunk from last night.
13:23I don't think so.
13:26Whoa!
13:30Look, you want Marshall back so bad,
13:32how come it took you two days to even ask about it?
13:34I was dying to ask.
13:36I was just trying to play it cool.
13:38But really?
13:39But it's good.
13:40I mean, work is great.
13:41Come on, say something about Marshall.
13:43Where's Marshall?
13:43How's Marshall?
13:44What's Marshall doing right now?
13:45Shut up and talk about Marshall.
13:46Shut up and talk about Marshall.
13:48Shut up and talk about Marshall.
13:49Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall.
13:51I gotta ask.
13:52And hey, how's Marshall?
13:54It was such an awful summer.
13:56I just wanted to get back here and see him.
13:59But I thought your summer was great.
14:01Not exactly.
14:03Oh, my God.
14:05This is your best work?
14:08You know, my years teaching,
14:10I've never seen anything so needless.
14:13To say this is art.
14:18I can't teach you anything.
14:21So, all those interesting people you met on the bus?
14:25Yeah, um...
14:28Hi.
14:28I'm Mike.
14:29I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer.
14:33I'm Paula.
14:35I sing in a punk band for children.
14:38Hey!
14:39I'm Dan.
14:40I'm a neurosurgeon.
14:41You are stunning, by the way.
14:45I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed.
14:48I screwed everything up.
14:50I have no job, no place to live.
14:53I lost the love of my life.
14:56Look, I know I have no right to ask this,
14:58but do you think Marshall would take me back?
15:02In a heartbeat.
15:03If you called him up, yeah,
15:04he'd take you back with open arms.
15:07Wow.
15:07So, maybe I should call him.
15:10Maybe.
15:12No!
15:13Is it...
15:13Ah!
15:15Hold on.
15:17Look, if you're gonna go back to him,
15:19I don't want to hear the word maybe.
15:20Maybe cannot be in your vocabulary.
15:22This breakup almost killed him,
15:24and he cannot go through it again.
15:27So, unless you're absolutely certain,
15:29stay the hell away from him.
15:35This guy likes pennies.
15:41Hi, Marshall.
15:42No, go away.
15:43I don't want to talk to you.
15:44Okay.
15:45I know what I did a couple nights back
15:46is in a moral gray area,
15:48but the great news is she loved you.
15:52If things had gone your way,
15:54you'd gone out a couple times,
15:55I think she definitely would have had sex with you.
15:57There's no wood in sex.
16:03I'm just no good at this, Barney.
16:05I'm good at being in a couple.
16:06I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend,
16:08being single.
16:09Forget it.
16:10Come on.
16:10You can't give up now.
16:11What if I told you that you could relive that night
16:14with the exact same conversations,
16:15the exact same jokes,
16:17only this time,
16:18you get her and I don't?
16:20That's not possible.
16:21Oh, but it is.
16:23She has...
16:24Wait for it.
16:26Here it comes.
16:28Almost there.
16:29An identical twin.
16:31Yes!
16:33A twin isn't the same person.
16:35Of course it is.
16:36What do you think identical means?
16:37Ident, same, ickle, person.
16:39Same person.
16:41Hey, we could double date.
16:44Fine.
16:46But you have to promise me
16:47you're not gonna steal my new twin
16:49and leave me with your old used up twin.
16:53Used up?
16:55They're a human being, Marshall.
16:59So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney
17:01went out on a double date with the twins.
17:05How you doing?
17:06Great.
17:07Amazing.
17:08This is so much fun.
17:09And I think me and the girl are really clicking.
17:11You are.
17:11You definitely are.
17:12Listen, you're gonna have to leave now.
17:14I just talk with the twins and, get this,
17:16I'm going home with both of them.
17:19Yeah.
17:21That's happening.
17:23It is impossible that you're doing this to me again.
17:26But they're twins.
17:28You, you said to me that being single
17:30would be like being in a candy store.
17:32Well, it's not.
17:33It's not like a candy store.
17:34It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
17:37I may be your best friend.
17:38Actually, Ted's my best friend.
17:39But in this world, it's every hombre for himself.
17:43That's what being single is.
17:45And after nine years in captivity,
17:47that is the single greatest lesson
17:48I can teach you about surviving in the wild.
17:51Now, if you'll excuse me,
17:53I have two unique breasts
17:54and two duplicates waiting for me.
18:02Bad news.
18:03Marshall got food poisoning.
18:05What?
18:06That's so bad.
18:07I really liked him.
18:08Yeah.
18:09Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight.
18:23Lily.
18:24What are you doing here?
18:26Oh, I was just walking by.
18:28I wasn't...
18:29Oh, you mean New York?
18:31My program ended.
18:32It was just great.
18:34Just lots of fun.
18:35It was awful.
18:35It was the worst mistake I ever made.
18:38I'm so sorry, Marshall.
18:40And...
18:44Lily, this was the worst summer of my life.
18:46I know.
18:47It was the worst summer of my life.
18:49It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through.
18:53Can we please get back together?
18:57Lily, you were right.
18:57All that crap you said to me about we need to figure out who we are outside of us and
19:04we need to learn to do things on our own.
19:08It broke my heart.
19:11Three months ago you broke my heart.
19:16Can we please get back together?
19:20Lily, you were right.
19:23All that crap was right.
19:27So, no.
19:30No, we can't get back together.
19:32We shouldn't.
19:34At least not right now.
19:38Wow.
19:40Okay.
19:43Yeah.
19:50Will we still see each other?
19:53Yeah.
19:54Yeah.
19:55I think so.
19:58I don't know.
20:01This is all really new to me.
20:05I just got out of a long relationship.
20:12I like your hair.
20:14Thanks.
20:16Oh, yeah.
20:17Figured new city.
20:19New color.
20:22It was love to us.
20:26It was all that we had.
20:32And the pizza there.
20:34Worst pizza ever.
20:36I'm so glad to be back in New York.
20:38Yeah.
20:39Yeah.
20:41Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you.
20:49Actually, there may be something that you can do for me, but you can never, ever ask me why.
20:55So, then, I was promoted to assistant menager.
20:59Manager?
20:59Why do I keep doing that?
21:03Lily?
21:04You gave me chlamydia, you jerk!
21:11So, where was I?
21:13Ah, yes.
21:13Assistant menager.
21:15I did it again.
21:15I can't believe it.
21:17Ahem.
21:18Shit.
21:18You gave my twin sister chlamydia, you sly!
21:26What?
21:26What?
21:27I know magic.
21:32Well played, Erickson.
21:34Well played.
21:48Here.
21:49I know.
22:04I know magic, he's missing out.
22:05It's a Purolhurt.
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