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00:12My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy, but this is one thing I'm sure of, everybody needs a best
00:22friend, I'm happy I'm yours.
00:35B-7. Miss. Again? Yep. Jesus, it's eight misses. Yes, it is. Did you put your ships in? No, I
00:44did not. What the fuck, dude? While you were militarizing, I allocated my funds toward infrastructure, roads and bridges, schools
00:51and hospitals, John, the needs of my people. That's not how the game works. It's not a game, you son
00:56of a bitch. Jesus, okay.
00:58Hey. Sorry, I think I've been watching too much mash. Boys, come upstairs. It's cooking frosting time.
01:06We gonna do this? Well, Lori Loughlin's on Oprah at three, so I was gonna jerk off, but I guess
01:11I can tape it.
01:11You're a good son.
01:15Oh, hey, Sarah.
01:24Hey, Ted.
01:25How's the pot business?
01:26Uh, the crock pot business is doing just fine, thanks.
01:31Sarah, I don't think you've met my cousin John.
01:33Hi.
01:34Hi.
01:35Sarah's Blair's friend from college. Her trip to California was canceled, so she's staying with us for Christmas. She's Indian.
01:43Oh, and soon as you, you don't have to say that.
01:46Oh, I don't mind. Sarah shouldn't have to tell people she's Indian.
01:52Aren't you glad you're safe for this?
01:54Okay, tools for my little assistants here.
01:58Do you want to make the colostomy bad joke, or should I?
02:00Well, Sarah is the guest. Sarah, would you like to make the colostomy bad joke?
02:05I'm all good, thanks.
02:08Johnny, I need you outside. There's a raccoon frozen in the ice next to the driveway. I gotta chip him
02:13out of there.
02:13Well, what do you need me for?
02:15I need you to bag up the pieces for the homeless.
02:17Wait, do you only give stuff to the homeless when you don't want to go to the dump?
02:20Maddie, honey, this is Sarah, Blair's Indian friend.
02:24Aunt Suze, you really don't have to add that.
02:26I had Indian food once, blew right through me.
02:29I'll pass that on up the ladder.
02:31Do what you want to do. I'm just telling you what happened.
02:33All right, John, let's go.
02:34Well, actually, I'm helping Mom frost the cookies.
02:37Well, you can do that later.
02:38She asks him first, Maddie. You can wait your turn.
02:41Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ, when I was your age, I would have killed to shovel ice with my
02:45dad.
02:46Yeah, I can see how chopping up a dead raccoon would be a father-son memory maker.
02:50So you're not gonna help?
02:52Well, I got a lot of cookies to frost, Dad.
02:55Huh, spoken like a real man.
02:57Which means what?
02:58No, no, no, no, it's fine. You know what? Stay here and frost your cookies with the ladies.
03:03Maybe we can go see a Broadway show after.
03:05Oh, Maddie, could we?
03:07So your implication is that John is, what, gay because he's frosting cookies?
03:13Susan, help me out here.
03:15Look at that. Is that an elf with his big candy cane?
03:19No, it's a barber pole. The elf just got a haircut.
03:22Oh, I love it. Oh, Maddie, come look at the elf's haircut.
03:26Fuck, Jesus Christ.
03:28You know, when I was just a little bit older than you, I was in Vietnam.
03:31Did I ever tell you about the time I thought I saw a clown in a field, but it was
03:35just an inside-out guy?
03:37You know what? Forget it. Frost your gay cookies.
03:42Did he just call you gay and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder?
03:47Yep. Maybe he's still figuring shit out.
03:50Well, it is always the homophobes.
03:52You know, I never understood that word.
03:53What word?
03:54Homophobe.
03:55It's prejudice against gay people.
03:57Yeah, but, like, shouldn't it mean, like, scared of gay people?
03:59Yeah, I've always wondered that, too. Like, every other phobe is, like, scared.
04:03That is what homophobe means.
04:04No, no, but it is different, right?
04:07Like, in arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels is scared of spiders because he thinks they're gonna, like, hurt him, or, like, kill
04:12him or something.
04:13Yeah, it's not like, oh, I'm scared of spiders because I think they're gonna make me a spider.
04:17Or they're gonna take over the school and teach spider stuff.
04:21Stop talking.
04:21I mean, if I was a homophobe, wouldn't I see a gay guy and be like, ah, a gay guy,
04:25run!
04:28Is the bear always like this?
04:30I'm so sorry.
04:31Whew.
04:33Whew.
04:34Didn't even run that far.
04:39So, Bollywood.
04:41Say, you guys?
04:49Come on, Matty, we're gonna be late for church.
04:52No, I'm taking the week off.
04:53Pat's a play in Buffalo.
04:54But it's the last Sunday service before Christmas Eve.
04:58And Father O'Dell says that if you don't cultivate a relationship with God, you're going to hell.
05:03Can't be worse than one of his sermons.
05:05Well, if he's that boring, then why's the Boston Globe spotlight team doing a big story on him?
05:11Matty, Susan has a choir solo today.
05:13I'll be at the next one, all right?
05:14I promise.
05:14Jesus, it's 45 fucking minutes.
05:16You can't do this for her?
05:17Oh, it's all right.
05:18He works hard all week.
05:20If he wants to rest on a Sunday, let him rest.
05:22It's what the Lord did.
05:24No, it's not all right, though.
05:25He's acting like a selfish jerk.
05:26I'm selfish?
05:28Wait a minute.
05:29I work 60 hours a week so that you guys can have a fridge full of Eggos and Fanta.
05:34He's right.
05:34We do take the Fanta for granted.
05:37Here you go, Mom.
05:38Oh, thank you, sweetie.
05:39Here.
05:40Hey, what's that?
05:41Oh, it's the toys for the Toys for Tots gift drive.
05:45That's Dennis the dump truck.
05:47Uh-huh.
05:48You can't give him away.
05:49It's been in our basement for years.
05:52Yeah, but I've had him since I was a kid.
05:53That means a lot to me.
05:54You named your dump truck Dennis?
05:56Keep my truck's name out your mouth.
05:58Oh, honey, but you never play with it.
06:01Well, I'm going to start playing with him.
06:04Oh, you're going to start playing with it now at fucking 50?
06:06Yes.
06:07I'm going to start playing with him all the time.
06:10Starting right now, see?
06:11Rum.
06:12Rum.
06:13Oh, yeah.
06:14We'll deliver that peat moss.
06:16Yeah, we will.
06:17Rum.
06:18Hey, that looks fun.
06:19Yeah, can we play?
06:20No.
06:21Ah.
06:22Rum.
06:22Rum.
06:23What the fuck is happening?
06:24Rum.
06:26Why are you still here?
06:27Her flight was canceled, so she's staying with us for Christmas.
06:31Hang on a second.
06:32We got company here for the whole holidays and nobody even asked me?
06:37I can find somewhere else to stay if it's a problem.
06:40No.
06:41Please, no.
06:41No, absolutely.
06:42Please not.
06:43Don't worry about him.
06:44What?
06:44I don't get to stay in my own house?
06:45Oh, Maddie, I think you're being a little silly about this.
06:49Nobody ever takes my side in this house, ever.
06:51It's always me against everybody else.
06:53Well, maybe somebody would take your side if you weren't always spreading your shitty
06:56mood all over the house.
06:57Fine.
06:58Your friend can stay for the week.
06:59Go have fun at church, see?
07:01I'm nice.
07:01Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge, and God bless us, everyone.
07:05Well, at least Scrooge was a good businessman.
07:08Yeah, and Tiny Tim's condition was pre-existing.
07:10Scrooge shouldn't have to cover it.
07:12Exactly.
07:12Can I play with the truck?
07:13No.
07:14No.
07:26Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright.
07:44Round yon virgin, mother and child.
07:52Oh, living so tender and mild.
08:01Wait, who describes an infant as mild?
08:03Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender.
08:05Yeah, somebody's eating this baby.
08:11Sleep in heavenly peace.
08:20Thank you to the choir, and to Susan Bennett for that wonderful solo.
08:25Where's Matty?
08:26In this world of material...
08:26Oh, uh, he wasn't feeling well today.
08:29It's important that we remember just why we celebrate Christmas.
08:34We observe the holiest of all days to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, born not
08:42from the seed of man, but from divine origin.
08:46Never before or since have we, God's children, been blessed by such a miracle.
08:53Um, uh, excuse me.
08:55Yeah, I, over here.
08:57Hi, Ted, local bear.
08:58Um, you're talking about a guy who came alive out of nowhere, right?
09:02Yes.
09:04Uh, yeah, me.
09:05I'm sorry?
09:06I'm just saying, he's not the only one.
09:08I don't think that's the same thing.
09:11Well, you said never before or since, but, you know, this guy.
09:16The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle.
09:19Well, I mean, what do you call this?
09:20I mean, I don't see any pound puppies or munchie cheese walking around.
09:24Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, marked by the star of Bethlehem, a miraculous beacon from the heavens.
09:32There was a...
09:32There was a star there.
09:33There was a star, right?
09:34Yeah, no, it was a shouldn't star.
09:35I had a star.
09:36Yeah.
09:36Jesus had a divine purpose.
09:38God sent him to us to spread the word that he loves us.
09:42I love you.
09:43Your move, Friar Tuck.
09:45I just want to finish the sermon.
09:46I'm just saying, I might be Jesus.
09:48Might.
09:49I'm not saying for sure.
09:50I'm just saying it's a possibility.
09:51I might be Jesus.
09:53That is incredibly disrespectful.
09:55Says the guy eating babies.
10:05Fucking patriots.
10:06You see that, Dennis?
10:09Why couldn't I have been born in Buffalo?
10:11I'd be winning every year.
10:13God!
10:13Buffalo has it all.
10:15Let's leave something special for Santa this year.
10:18Jello Pudding Pops!
10:21Santa's gonna love it!
10:23Happy holidays from Jello Pudding Pops!
10:28Bet Bill Cosby's having a good Christmas.
10:31Bet he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of women telling him he's a jerk.
10:38You know, used to be the man of the house said his piece.
10:42Everybody just fell in line.
10:44Now it's like fucking Jerry Springer in here.
10:49Bet if you could talk, you'd take my side.
10:52Have another beer, Matty.
10:54You've earned it.
10:55Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.
10:56I think I will.
10:59And, and, and take your socks off, Matty.
11:02I don't mind the smell of your feet, because I know that's not something you can control.
11:07Well, I appreciate that, Dennis.
11:10Hey, Matty.
11:11Yeah?
11:12Shouldn't there be a white history month, too?
11:14Well, Dennis, you said it, not me.
11:26Ha.
11:27Ha.
11:27That was a hell of a floss.
11:33Nothing, nothing feels better than getting stuff out of places, right?
11:41Let me know when you, when you want to take a run at that ingrown hair on my neck.
11:48Am I, am I still getting a silent treatment?
11:51Look, I already said I'm sorry I missed you solo.
11:53You know I can't sit on wood.
11:55It aggravates my hemorrhoids.
11:59Oh, so, so my hemorrhoids are my fault, too, I guess, huh?
12:04It ain't the post office down there, Susan.
12:06Stuff doesn't just show up on its own.
12:09There's effort involved.
12:15Might get one of those, one of those donut pillows.
12:18No.
12:18You know what?
12:19You don't get to hear about it.
12:47You don't get to hear about it.
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39:02How?
39:03Where there was only one set of footprints, that's where I carried you.
39:07You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.
39:10When it most appears I'm not Jesus, that's when you need faith.
39:14Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?
39:16Yeah, he gave back the gobstopper and they gave him the chocolate factory.
39:20I mean, I think that's what happened. I'm reading like two books at once.
39:23They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.
39:25Wait, what?
39:26It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn't it?
39:30They killed him?
39:31Yeah.
39:32Oh, shit, yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
39:34Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?
39:39This is a lot of good shit. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
39:43Aw, you're welcome, John John.
39:45Hey, thanks for this, Johnny. I've been wanting to talk, boy.
39:47Now I can record all my thoughts.
39:50Douche.
39:52Douche.
39:53Now I won't forget.
39:55Blair, open that one up. That one's for me.
40:01Gingerly.
40:08Oh, wow.
40:10I know how much you girls love those Beverly Hills 90210 boys.
40:14I am Ziering.
40:18It's for your room.
40:20Yeah, no, I know what it's for.
40:22Thank you, Aunt Zeus.
40:23Should we go hang it up right now?
40:25Oh, you know what?
40:26Um, I want to think really hard about where I want to put it.
40:31You know, it's just too special.
40:32All right.
40:34You happy, Susan?
40:35Oh, Maddie, I'm so happy. I love it.
40:37Yeah, they said this one had the most sucking power.
40:40I'm sure it sucks wonderfully.
40:44Oh, you know what?
40:46I almost forgot.
40:49There's one more.
40:50There's one more.
41:01Merry Christmas, Susan.
41:21A karaoke machine.
41:23Yeah, I figured you could sing.
41:27You know, your solo.
41:32I love you so much.
41:34Oh, honey, thank you.
41:38Oh.
41:49Silent night, holy night.
41:56All is calm.
42:01All is bright.
42:06Round the young virgin, mother and child.
42:16Holy infant, so tender and mild.
42:24Sleep in heavenly peace.
42:33Sleep in heavenly peace.
42:44Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful.
42:49And yet, alas, that's someone to doze you.
42:54Everybody needs a best friend.
42:57I'm happy I'm yours.
43:00I'm just a clown.
43:03And I'll bring you down.
43:07But you just don't care for the old.
43:13Best friend is me.
43:16All is nothing.
43:35All is nothing.
43:36All is nothing.
43:42We love you.
43:42Let me tell you,
43:42I'm a liar.
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