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00:12My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy, but this is one thing I'm sure of, everybody needs a best
00:22friend, I'm happy I'm yours.
00:28Thank you, and thank you to Salt and Pepper! Thank you, Bernie Capel! Thank you, Michelle!
00:35Hey, what's the most fucked up host-musical guest combo you can think of?
00:39Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Criss Cross.
00:41Oh, that's good. Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
00:44David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.
00:46Judge Lanceto and the B-52s.
00:48Ted Kennedy and the Dead Kennedys.
00:50Haha, that's the one.
00:51That's good, right?
00:53Another Saturday night, alone in my room.
00:56Why won't you call me?
00:59I'm so lonely, and I want you so bad.
01:03One nine hundred, one hot butt.
01:07Only three ninety-nine per minute.
01:09Oh man, she's so hot.
01:11I wish we could call one of those numbers.
01:14You want to?
01:15What are you kidding?
01:16My dad would kill us if we called a nine hundred number.
01:18Hey, wait a second.
01:19Maybe there's an eight hundred version.
01:20You know, where it's free.
01:22Try one eight hundred.
01:23Okay.
01:29American Airlines.
01:30How may I help you?
01:31Oh.
01:33Wait, are you horny?
01:35Uh, I don't know.
01:36A little, I guess.
01:37Oh.
01:38You might have better luck calling United.
01:40I think they're pretty horny over there.
01:42Okay.
01:43No problem.
01:44Stay hard, man.
01:45Yeah, you too.
01:51Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
01:53This should go well.
01:59Oh, fuck.
02:00Third period.
02:01I fucking hate gym class.
02:02I'm always worried my dick's gonna fall out of my shorts.
02:05And then it never does.
02:06And that doesn't feel good either.
02:07How do you think I feel?
02:09Hey, why don't we go smoke in the supply closet?
02:16Huh.
02:17What the hell?
02:18Oh, yeah, it's cause the janitor hung himself in there last week.
02:22Oh, yeah.
02:23It's weird.
02:24He was so happy when he told us he had 25 grand riding on the Pats game.
02:27Hey, what about the basement?
02:29Anybody kill themselves down there?
02:30Not that I know of.
02:41Hey, look at that.
02:43What?
02:44There's a phone.
02:45Just a random phone down here in the basement?
02:48Yeah.
02:49Johnny!
02:501-900-HOT-BUTT!
02:55There's a dial tone.
03:05Welcome to 1-900-1-HOT-BUTT.
03:08Please stand by for sexy phone fun.
03:12There are two masturbators ahead of you.
03:15Holy shit.
03:16Holy fuck.
03:16Holy fuck.
03:17Hi.
03:18Who's this?
03:21John.
03:21Don't use your real name.
03:22Uh, John.
03:23No H.
03:23Hey, sexy.
03:25I'm Shawna.
03:26Uh, hey, Shawna.
03:28Are you the girl from the commercial?
03:30That depends.
03:31Was she a naughty brunette with huge tits?
03:34No, she was a blonde with more like B-cups.
03:37Yeah, that's me.
03:38Tell me.
03:39Tell me.
03:39What would you do to me if you were here right now?
03:43Y-you mean like sex-wise?
03:45We can do anything you want, baby.
03:48Okay.
03:49Well, I'd touch your boob.
03:51Oh, my God.
03:53And then, and then I'd touch the other one.
03:55Ah!
03:56Oh, God!
03:57Slow down!
03:58Teddy, cut it out!
03:59You're hurting her!
03:59Oh, shit.
04:00Is it too much?
04:00I'm just trying to have fun.
04:02Shawna, teach us how to be good lovers.
04:04Ah!
04:20Call me your collar, baby.
04:24Call me your car.
04:27Call me your collar, darling.
04:31I know who you are.
04:33Call me, call me, call me.
04:46Call me, call me any, anytime.
04:47Call me, call me.
04:49I'll arrive, you can.
04:51Call me any day or night.
04:54Call me.
05:00Call me.
05:01Call me!
05:02Call me.
05:02Call me.
05:04Hey, Teddy.
05:06Hot butt.
05:08Hey, hot butted butt.
05:12That's good.
05:13We know.
05:13You're crazy.
05:14You boys sure have been in a good mood lately.
05:17Oh, yeah.
05:18Oh, yeah.
05:19Hey, do you know what Becky called today?
05:21Who's Becky?
05:22Well, I've started tutoring kids for some extra money,
05:25and she's one of my students.
05:26She's nervous about our English test,
05:28so I said she could call me.
05:29Maddie, she's the most adorable little girl.
05:32Told you I don't want to know about any new people.
05:34Oh, there she is.
05:40Hello?
05:43What do you want?
05:45You're fucking kidding me, right?
05:47No.
05:49Did you hear me?
05:51I said no.
05:52I don't know.
05:53Do you want me to list the 10 billion fucking reasons why?
05:56No.
05:57Go fuck yourself.
06:00Was that Becky?
06:01Uh, no.
06:03No, that was my dad.
06:07Bernie?
06:07What did he want?
06:09He wants to come visit.
06:10Bernie's coming here?
06:12Holy shit!
06:13That's great.
06:13It's about fucking time.
06:14No, no.
06:16I have told him over and over again
06:17that I don't want to see him.
06:19Ever.
06:19You're talking about your own goddamn father.
06:21He said he wants to make things right
06:23between the two of us.
06:24I'm not fucking interested, okay?
06:26I don't want him here.
06:27Whoa.
06:27Whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:28Hey, Bernie can visit here whenever he wants, all right?
06:31This is my house, and he's my big brother.
06:33Yeah?
06:34Well, he's my dad, and he's a raging asshole.
06:36I'd appreciate if you just stayed out of this.
06:39Fuck that!
06:39You know what?
06:40I'm calling him, and I'm telling him he can come here,
06:42and he can stay as long as he wants.
06:44No, Maddie, wait.
06:45Please don't do that.
06:46My own brother is not going to be unwelcome in my home.
06:51You really hate him that much?
06:52If he steps foot in this house, I'm fucking out of here.
06:58I can't wait to hear Shauna's take on all this.
07:07Hi.
07:08This is Candy.
07:09Who's this?
07:11Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
07:13We normally talk to Shauna.
07:15Shauna's not on call today, and not because of AIDS.
07:18Oh.
07:19Okay.
07:20We didn't ask.
07:21Legally, you're not allowed to.
07:23Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
07:26You know, like sweet and sticky.
07:29Well, gosh, Candy, you sound great,
07:31but we've spent a lot of time talking to Shauna.
07:34There's a certain intimacy that develops,
07:36and I'm concerned you won't be able to keep up with the rapport we've built.
07:38You want me to talk about blowing you?
07:41Okay, you're up to speed.
07:42So what's your fantasy?
07:43I'm the hottest record producer in the business,
07:46and you're a total nobody.
07:48What are you going to do for me?
07:49Jesus.
07:50What?
07:51That's fucking dark.
07:52Well, how would you do it?
07:54Hi.
07:54I'm a struggling record producer,
07:56and I need your talents on my label.
07:58We're artists first,
07:59and you will own your own publishing rights.
08:01Okay.
08:02And then I take my clothes off?
08:03Keep them on, honey.
08:04I don't want nothing to get in the way of my business,
08:06which is making hit records.
08:07Uh...
08:08You know who else I discovered through phone sex?
08:10Huey Lewis.
08:10He was just like you,
08:12sucking, fucking, doing it all for a dime.
08:14That's what power of love's about.
08:15Like that.
08:16I think I lost my boner.
08:17Good.
08:18We got songs to write.
08:23Who?
08:24Or rather, what was the Iceman?
08:27Most people assumed it was just that it was reported.
08:35Hey, fuckface!
08:36Hey!
08:37Watch your cars!
08:38On tap!
08:40Bernie, you son of a bitch!
08:41I got you!
08:42Got me good!
08:42Come on!
08:43Give me a hug, you prick!
08:44Yeah!
08:45Now hug me for real, you wrong bastard!
08:47Listen, don't act like you don't know me!
08:49I know you!
08:50I love you, you cum guzzler!
08:51Watch your guzzles and fucking cum, you big queer!
08:54It's fun to have company.
08:56Bernie!
08:58Hi!
08:59I blew up an air mattress for you in the attic,
09:02and I put an Andes candy on your pillow.
09:05Oh, yeah?
09:05Is that how Maddie freshens his breath after chugging Spur?
09:10Wow, it's like having Bob Newhart in the house.
09:12Susie, why do you stay with this fucking nutty?
09:14I love this guy.
09:15I thought Denise was coming with you.
09:18Eh, they got in a fight on 128, so she jumped out of the car.
09:21Oh.
09:22But speaking of Bennett, Brods, there is my princess!
09:26Hiya, Blair!
09:27Nope, nope, nope, I'm out!
09:29Blair, that's your father.
09:30Say a proper hello.
09:31Seriously, Maddie, stay out of this.
09:33Blair's right.
09:34I deserve the cold shoulder.
09:35I gotta earn my daughter's respect.
09:37That's why I'm here.
09:38There you go, Johnny.
09:39You're old enough now.
09:40Gee, thanks.
09:41Johnny, absolutely not.
09:42That'll stunt your growth.
09:44That is what happened to the little man on the Fantasy Islands.
09:47Hi, Bernie.
09:48Ted, I remember you from when you shot all those cats.
09:51Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
09:52I get to do what I want.
09:54Right, Maddie?
09:55Ah!
09:56Damn it!
09:56Knock it off, Bernie!
09:57Me?
09:58You're the one who's hitting your balls, Maddie.
10:00Ah!
10:01Ah!
10:02Ah!
10:03Ah!
10:03Ah!
10:03Ah!
10:04Ah!
10:04Ah!
10:05Ah!
10:05Ah!
10:06Ah!
10:06Ah!
10:07Ah!
10:09Ah!
10:10I will be in my room screaming into a pillow.
10:13Ah!
10:14Ah!
10:14Ah, fuck!
10:17I took a shit!
10:23So who do you like better, Candy or Shauna?
10:26I think I like Shauna better.
10:28Candy's coffin fits kind of take me out of it.
10:30Yeah, you know, I'm actually a little worried about it.
10:32I know.
10:33Also, I hope Heather's son found a kidney.
10:35Well, she said they did, but then it fell out of the helicopter.
10:38Thank God we make these women cum so much, otherwise they'd be miserable.
10:49The number you have dialed is blocked.
10:59What do you think it means?
11:01I don't know.
11:02Johnny, what if...
11:03What if the school found out about the sex line and they blocked the number and now we're in trouble?
11:07Look, let's not get crazy, okay?
11:10It's probably nothing.
11:13Everyone, quiet down and listen up.
11:16It has been brought to my attention that someone at this school has made a series of extremely inappropriate calls
11:23to an adult phone line.
11:24They used a telephone on school property, and we have received a bill for nearly $5,000.
11:33Quiet!
11:35This is a serious and obscene violation of school policy, and I can promise you that whoever did it will
11:43be caught, held financially responsible, and expelled.
11:47We are conducting a full investigation led by the Massachusetts Board of Education.
11:52Mr. Lawrence.
11:55Mr. Lawrence.
12:02My name is Avery Lawrence.
12:06I'm the Board of Education's Deputy Inspector General.
12:10Whoever made these calls, it'll be much easier for you if you come forward now.
12:21All right.
12:22We'll do it the hard way.
12:24But know this.
12:26Statistically, most masturbators are caught within the first 48 hours.
12:40What the fuck are we going to do?
12:42Our lives are going to be ruined.
12:43Look, we just got to stay cool, okay?
12:45They got no idea it was us, and if we just wait it out, they got to give up eventually.
12:49Oh, my God.
12:50Did you guys hear what happened?
12:51What?
12:52Principal Bernard says they cancel and senior skip day until they catch the masturbator.
12:55Oh, my God.
12:56Who did it?
12:57Who's the jack-off who called the phone sex line?
13:02Listen up, you motherfucker.
13:03We waited four years to skip a day of school in a manner sanctioned by the Massachusetts Board of Education
13:09and scheduled into the academic curriculum.
13:11And one of you little perverts who fucked it all up.
13:15Who was it?
13:16Who made the calls?
13:18Show your fucking face.
13:19You can't hide from us.
13:21We're going to find you, masturbator.
13:23And when we do, you're dead.
13:24Kill the masturbator.
13:26Kill the masturbator.
13:28Kill the masturbator.
13:30Kill the masturbator.
13:32Kill the masturbator.
13:34Kill the masturbator.
13:49I just don't understand what Lyle Lovett sees in that Julia Roberts.
13:56He could have any woman alive.
13:58What?
13:59Oh, he needs to settle down and not get caught up in that Hollywood rat race.
14:04Hey, hey, what's this?
14:07A meeting of the best-looking people in the house?
14:10I should fit right in!
14:12Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
14:16I still think you should get a ventriloquist, dummy.
14:19Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
14:20Hey, hey, hey, you mind if me and Blair talk in private for a minute?
14:24Oh, of course, of course.
14:28I need to go and cube some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
14:31We're having green.
14:33No, no, no, no, Aunt Suze, you stay.
14:35Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of her.
14:40Okay.
14:42Fine.
14:46Your mother didn't jump out of the car on the highway.
14:52She left me.
14:54Over a bunch of shit that was not even my fault.
14:57I don't care what the reason was.
14:58You're a belligerent, untreated alcoholic who needs help.
15:02And until you get some, you and I, we have nothing to say to each other.
15:06Blair, this time is different.
15:08You come home with me, and I'll prove it to you.
15:11Come home?
15:12Yeah.
15:13I want you to come back and live with me, Blair.
15:15You mean come back and cook your fucking meals for you.
15:18Okay.
15:18Okay.
15:19Okay.
15:21Okay.
15:22You can see I still got to win you over.
15:24But I will.
15:27You'll see.
15:31Oh, Blair.
15:33Maybe you should give him a second chance.
15:35According to People Magazine, Jerry Seinfeld made up with his daughter.
15:42Oh, my.
15:51Andrew, Polly, what happened in there?
15:53Mr. Lawrence is interrogating students in pairs because he thinks there was a team of masturbators.
15:58Wait, he does?
16:00He said from the angle of the jizz, they had to be a second shooter.
16:03I don't even jizz.
16:07Bear?
16:08Boy?
16:09You're next.
16:12Yeah, hey.
16:13One at a time.
16:17Tuesday, September 20th.
16:2010.06 to 10.27 a.m.
16:22Where were you?
16:23Study hall.
16:25Mmm.
16:27I see.
16:29Unstructured time.
16:31Teacher doesn't usually notice if you're not there.
16:33Good chance to sneak off for a cigarette.
16:36You know?
16:38A hot butt.
16:40Do you like a hot butt, John?
16:43You jealous seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
16:46Do you wish you had access to a hot butt like mine?
16:50Should there be another grown-up in here?
16:53Your friend in the other room already fingered you for the crime so you can stop jerking me around.
16:57If you come clean, I'll help get you off.
17:00I...
17:01I can't tell if you're deliberately saying stuff that's masturbation adjacent or, um...
17:05If you know who did this and you give us names, the Board of Education will make it worth your
17:10while.
17:11Like what?
17:12With things you've never dreamed of.
17:14Like this pencil with an eraser shaped like a star.
17:20Read what it says on the side of the pencil.
17:25It says star student.
17:27Star student.
17:29We've ordered recordings of the calls.
17:31When they arrive, we'll play them over the school's PA system.
17:34Unless you confess.
17:36Now.
17:36You can't do that, Mr. Lawrence.
17:38The hell I can't.
17:39Oh, no, no.
17:40Like, you really can't.
17:41The PA system's busted.
17:43Everything in this school is broken.
17:44And yet some bastard decides to stick the school with a phone bill for $5,000.
17:52Who cares if everything is broken?
17:55Who cares if this chair is broken?
17:59Who cares if the whole goddamn system is broken?
18:09Can you not tell anybody I did that?
18:11I'm not supposed to break any more chairs.
18:14Okay.
18:16Can you help me put it back together?
18:22Ah, for the love of Christ, Susan.
18:24Hurry up with that sitz bath, huh?
18:26Feels like somebody microwaved a hairbrush and shoved it in my asshole.
18:29Dr. Larson warned you not to push so hard.
18:34That does!
18:36Don't you get it, motherfucker!
18:38Oh, shit!
18:39Come on, you prick!
18:43Guys, you're dead!
18:44I'm gonna get you for that!
18:46Hurry, come back here!
18:47I'm gonna get you for that!
18:52Look at my little brother with his ass out!
18:54You look like Winnie the Pooh!
18:56Where's Ted?
18:57Hey, Ted!
18:58It's your boyfriend, Winnie the Pooh, ready for you to fuck him in the ass!
19:01He's totally gonna get you for that!
19:05Motherfucker!
19:06Pull me down!
19:06Fuck you, you son of a bitch!
19:09What the fuck is going on in here?
19:11Hey, Blair, you wanna bite a sack of ass?
19:13Put me down, Bernie!
19:15What?
19:15Susan wanted me to get a puppet.
19:16Look, I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
19:18I only got one friend on ice!
19:20Hey, Scott, Dad, put him down!
19:21Well, we're just roughhousing!
19:22No, you're roughhousing!
19:24He's not!
19:25You're being a fucking bully!
19:26Matty, am I bullying you?
19:27No, we're just messing around, Blair!
19:29Put him the fuck down!
19:30Whoa, language!
19:32All right, goodbye!
19:34Jeez!
19:34Oh, okay.
19:35I really, I really do gotta do that hemorrhoid bath.
19:39All right, go fix a goopy bum, candy man!
19:42For Christ's sake, go wash your hands.
19:44Why?
19:44He's my brother!
19:46Yeah, I'm his brother!
19:52Lawrence knows it's us, I'm sure of it.
19:55We can't pay back $5,000.
19:57What are we gonna do?
19:58Go to prison, that's what.
20:00Holy shit, we're gonna get Shawshanked.
20:03We gotta find a way out of here, or the warden's gonna have us shot in the prison yard.
20:07Don't worry, Johnny.
20:08I've been digging a hole in the wall for the past six months.
20:11We can escape through it.
20:14What the fuck?
20:15Yeah, now we can get out of here.
20:16You said you dug that for us?
20:18Yeah.
20:19I can't fit through there.
20:20You, you made that for you.
20:21No, it's for both of us.
20:22It's literally shaped exactly like you.
20:25Ah, no it's not.
20:25It's got fucking ears!
20:29All right, boys, you're coming with me.
20:32The sisters are gonna have their way with you.
20:35See ya!
20:38Wait a minute, that's it!
20:40What?
20:40We do a Shawshank!
20:42How will being sodomized off-camera solve our problem?
20:46No, no, we do what Andy Dufresne did.
20:48We invent a fake person.
20:50A fake student who confesses to the crime!
20:52Exactly.
20:53That's the answer!
20:54But it's gonna take some planning.
20:56We better get some sleep.
20:57Right.
21:00Hey, Teddy.
21:01We're in this together, right?
21:03I mean, you'd never really sell me out.
21:05No, never, Johnny.
21:21We know the name of the masturbator.
21:23His name is Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
21:26And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
21:29Only the worst kid who's ever gone to John Hancock High.
21:32Three years ago, Jeremy vandalized the entire school.
21:35You see?
21:36Look at this desk.
21:46So Jeremy did this three years ago?
21:48That's right.
21:49This is a fresh carving.
21:52How can you tell?
21:53Because it's in the shape of the Sublime logo.
21:56And no one in Framingham was listening to Sublime before 1992
22:00when their debut studio album, 40 Ounces to Freedom, rocked the charts.
22:05Do you know what I think?
22:06I think you two carved this moments before I walked in here
22:11with the knife that's in your back pocket.
22:14You boys feel that sensation in your throats?
22:19That's the noose tightening.
22:27Why'd you have to go with the fucking Sublime logo?
22:29I don't know.
22:29I just thought maybe Jeremy liked Sublime.
22:31What, he got a backstory for this fucking kid?
22:33No, no.
22:34I'm just...
22:34Hold on a second, Teddy.
22:35You might be onto something here.
22:37What?
22:37We give Jeremy a backstory.
22:40A school file on paper.
22:42We make it so detailed that it becomes undeniable.
22:45I don't want to just know this guy's name.
22:47I want to know what he jizzed for breakfast.
22:50Jizzed for breakfast?
22:51You know what I mean.
22:52No, I don't.
22:54And I don't think I want to be your friend anymore.
23:01Okay.
23:02What?
23:03Guess what this is.
23:04Um, the crate of wild turkey you're gonna drink before bed tonight?
23:07Even better.
23:12What do you think?
23:13What the fuck is it?
23:14It's a dollhouse.
23:16You always wanted one when you were a kid,
23:18so I stayed up all night building it.
23:20Oh, thanks.
23:21I've always wanted tetanus.
23:24Fine.
23:25I'm the bad guy.
23:26No matter what I do,
23:28it's not good enough,
23:29and I should never, ever be forgiven.
23:31Okay, all right.
23:32All right.
23:33It's a nice gesture.
23:37Now we're talking.
23:38Come home with me.
23:40If you do, I know your mother will, too.
23:43Wait.
23:43That's what this is all about?
23:46Getting mom back?
23:47Yeah.
23:48Because then we'll be a family again.
23:50And that's all I want, Blair.
23:52I swear to God.
23:56I'll think about it.
23:57On one condition.
23:59Anything.
24:01Just go easier on Maddie.
24:03All right?
24:03I don't like the way you treat him.
24:05And I never want to see his asshole again.
24:08I will be more respectful to my little brother.
24:40Oh, shit.
25:06What are you doing down there?
25:07No, no, no, no, no.
25:09We didn't mean nothing but...
25:09Mr. Lawrence, I don't think I've ever done anything in my life, actually.
25:12Speak.
25:13We found Jeremy's file.
25:15The really bad kid who definitely exists.
25:17All the details about him are right here.
25:19He even has a full mustache as a teenager.
25:21He's that bad.
25:22Look.
25:22I don't need to look, because I don't believe there is a Jeremy.
25:26I believe the two of you made the sex calls.
25:32Do you know what this is?
25:33Is that one of those things they put pizzas in the oven with?
25:36It's a masturbator paddle.
25:37Ew, and that's what they're putting the pizzas in with?
25:39It was used to beat sinners at the Holy Child Catholic School in Newburyport.
25:43And when I prove the two of you made the calls, you both will know the pain of the paddle.
25:51I'm watching you.
26:04We'll get them, Beatrice.
26:08We'll get them.
26:10What the fuck do we do now?
26:12He's gonna get us.
26:13We gotta make Jeremy real.
26:15How?
26:16Everybody at school's gotta see him with their own eyes.
26:19I got an idea.
26:25Susan, the casserole is exquisite.
26:28Thank you, Bernie.
26:29Well, I'm gonna raise my glass, because Blair and me got a big announcement.
26:33We do?
26:34Blair's moving back home!
26:36It's a thing.
26:37Somebody told me I didn't know about this.
26:39I have to know.
26:40Helen, she's out there.
26:41If I take her with her, I'm gonna be pissed.
26:43We say Rachel, Monica, Phoebe in that order.
26:45Oh.
26:45Okay, hold on, hold on.
26:47I have not made any decision yet.
26:49I'm considering moving back home, but I've not decided a thing.
26:53Come on, you know you're in.
26:55And hey, you better watch out, Maddie.
26:57I might take Susan home with me, too.
26:59Ah!
27:00Ah, come on.
27:01Be honest, Susan.
27:02You were into me first.
27:04Oh, Bernie, stop.
27:06Bernie.
27:07Keep it to yourself, huh?
27:08Well, it's true.
27:09You know, Johnny, another ten minutes behind that A&P with Susan, I might have been your father.
27:14Bernie.
27:14Hey, hey!
27:15Apologize to her.
27:17Hello?
27:17You fucking heard me.
27:18Apologize to Susan right now.
27:20And then apologize to Maddie for every single fucking thing you've done since you got here.
27:24Hey, whoa, whoa.
27:24We're brothers, Blair.
27:26We give each other the business.
27:27That's not what this is.
27:28It's completely one-sided, and you're a fucking bully.
27:31Blair, come on.
27:32Jesus Christ.
27:33We're just trying to have a few laughs.
27:35Okay.
27:36You don't want to apologize?
27:37Then get out.
27:38Blair, knock it off.
27:39He's just messing around.
27:40Yeah, don't twist your panties.
27:42It was a joke.
27:43Fuck it.
27:44Ow!
27:45Ow!
27:46Ow!
27:47Oh, shit.
27:48Ow!
27:49God damn it!
27:50What the fuck is wrong with you?
27:52Relax, Dad.
27:53We're just roughhousing.
27:54You know, giving each other the business.
27:56You know what, man?
27:57Fuck you!
27:58You know you're not allowed back home.
28:00You're disinvited.
28:01You're a psycho.
28:02Just like your mother.
28:04God damn it!
28:05Hey, Bernie, wait!
28:13Maddie, which order would you fuck the women from Friends?
28:25Hey, everybody!
28:26Jeremy's outside.
28:27You gotta come see what he's gonna do.
28:28Who?
28:29Jeremy.
28:30You know that really bad kid who goes here?
28:32The one who was really into Sublime even before 1992?
28:35Okay.
28:36Jeremy's gonna do a jump on his BMX.
28:38He's jumping over three cars.
28:40Three cars?
28:40Yeah, three cars.
28:41Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
28:51There he is.
28:52There's Jeremy.
28:59I can't believe that kid we go to school with is attempting this awesome jump.
29:03Let's all chant his name.
29:05Jeremy.
29:32I've known Jeremy for years.
29:33We're really close.
29:34I've known him longer.
29:35He's my best friend.
29:36I've been dating Jeremy since the sixth grade.
29:38Jeremy's wealthy parents are taking us to Europe this summer.
29:41Jeremy blew me out of sleepover and told me not to tell anyone.
29:48Oh, hey there, everybody.
29:49I was just in the bathroom relieving myself of a day's waste.
29:52Kind of a rough one, as you can see.
29:54What's going on out here?
29:56Oh, hey, John.
29:56Jeremy, that kid we go to school with, made a badass jump.
30:00And now everyone's saying they did anal with him and stuff.
30:02Now that is crazy.
30:03Because I saw Jeremy this morning, and he gave me this letter in case he died.
30:12To whom it may concern, I called the phone sex line 1-900-Hot-Butt.
30:18I can't live with the shame, so I wanted to perform one last awesome act, then disappear into hiding.
30:27Sincerely, Jeremy Schwartzfinger.
30:32Seems I owe you boys an apology.
30:34Yeah, you were a real fucking dick, and you got totally proved wrong in front of the whole school.
30:39I will find you, Jeremy.
30:43It takes me the rest of my days.
30:45I will find you, and I will kill you.
30:53Well, Teddy, looks like we did it.
31:03Do you understand why your mother and your sister feel this way, though?
31:08Yes, I do.
31:09They worry about me, but it's time that I'm mature, and I have to learn from my experiences.
31:14Hey.
31:15Beer?
31:16Sure?
31:29I still can't stop thinking about the look on my brother's face when you threw that casserole at him.
31:35Pretty fucking good.
31:38I was going to give him the business, but you beat me to it.
31:42Yeah.
31:44Bennett's, right?
31:45We fucking love messing with each other, right?
31:49Sure do.
31:54Hey, Maddie.
31:56Yeah?
31:58I'm glad I'm here.
32:05Hey, did you hear about this kid, Jeremy?
32:07Jeremy?
32:13Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful, and yet, alas, that someone adores you.
32:23Everybody needs a best friend.
32:26I'm happy I'm yours.
32:29I'm just a clown, and I'll bring you down, but you just don't care for your best friend is me.
32:44Bye, my sad friend.
32:46Bye, my dad.
32:47Ah, she has a head full of sewing.
32:52I'm Crystal.
32:54Bye.
32:55Bye.
32:57Bye.
33:01Bye.
33:03Bye.
33:04Bye.
33:05Bye.
33:11Bye.
33:13Bye.
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