- 1 day ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:12My words are lazy. My thoughts are hazy. But this is one thing I'm sure of. Everybody needs a best
00:22friend. I'm happy I'm yours.
00:27Pizza! In the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime. When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza
00:39any time.
00:40Jesus, that's something a lunatic would say to himself. Yeah, no shit. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening,
00:46pizza at suppertime.
00:48Yeah, that's something you'd find smeared in blood on the wall at a crime scene.
00:51Also, aren't pizza in the evening and pizza at suppertime kind of the same thing?
00:55No, not to this guy. He's lost his fucking mind.
00:58Come in.
01:01Okay, um, so I'd rather die than ask you guys for this particular favor.
01:07Not a strong opening to whatever this is.
01:09But I have finals next week and I'm all out of pot. I need it to study. Could I please
01:15borrow some from you guys?
01:16Well, well, well.
01:17Isn't this a fine sack of balls?
01:20Come on, I can't concentrate without it and I got a shit ton of work to do.
01:24Compliment us.
01:25What?
01:26Compliment us. One each.
01:28Yeah, and make it good, too. Something we don't even know about ourselves.
01:33Okay.
01:34Uh, John.
01:37You are one of the only people who walks at the right speed in the mall.
01:42Wow.
01:44It's actually huge.
01:45It is.
01:46And, Ted, I like that if I find blood around the house, I know that it's not yours.
01:52Hey, fucking plus, Blair. Johnny, fetch the pot box.
01:55Pot box? Incoming.
01:59Oh, shit.
02:00What?
02:01We're out, too.
02:02Oh, fucking great.
02:04Well, okay. Just a thought. Maybe we go without for a little while. Would that be healthy?
02:08Johnny, look me in the eye.
02:12Snap the fuck out of it! You want us to die?
02:14Well, what do you want me to do? A regular guy's out of town.
02:18Hey, what about Chris Blith?
02:19Who's that?
02:20He's this weird kid at our school who has a pet snake and always looks wet.
02:24Oh, yeah. You know he gets high.
02:26Wait, no. I cannot buy pot from a 17-year-old.
02:29Nah, it's okay. He's 23.
02:31Jesus.
02:32Yeah, he still lives with his parents.
02:33I always see them in the upstairs window of the house.
02:36But they never seem to move.
02:38His mom's holding a yellow newspaper.
02:51Hi, Gus.
02:52Hi, Mrs. Bennett. Got your mail here.
02:54Thank you so much. How's your wife's new eyeball?
02:58It's been rough.
03:00It gets turned around now and then, so I have to shake her for about seven minutes.
03:04But the doctor says it's just our life for the next few months.
03:08Please send her my love.
03:10I will. Thanks so much.
03:18Here's your paper, Matty.
03:19Jesus, Susan.
03:21Why you gotta jam yourself into everybody's business, huh?
03:24The guy's gotta shake his wife like a magic eight ball. He doesn't want to talk about it.
03:28I was showing him that I care.
03:31People like it when you take an interest in their lives. It makes them feel special.
03:34Well, you look at this. Three kids were arrested for vandalizing the church.
03:39Oh, my God. They were?
03:41Yeah. Says they were high on drugs and broke in and dragged their dicks across the organ keys.
03:47Oh, no.
03:47Yeah. Went on for a half hour before Father Odell finally stopped him.
03:51Oh, Matty, look. It says all the boys attend John Hancock High. That's John's school.
03:56Bunch of delinquents.
03:57And there's a quote from Father Odell. This is just the latest example of the fallout from a decline in
04:03family values.
04:05When parents are involved in their children's lives, this sort of thing doesn't happen.
04:12Oh, Matty, what if that were John?
04:14It wasn't. Relax.
04:15Well, maybe we need to get more involved in his life.
04:19Finally.
04:20I just never forgive myself if Johnny turned out like those church boys on the drugs.
04:25And there's the rest of it.
04:27Fucking gas station. Made the worst tuna sandwich I've ever had in my life.
04:30That was two weeks ago.
04:32Yeah. It's been stuck behind a Denny's breakfast.
04:34Matty.
04:36How about we spend some quality time together tonight, please?
04:41Fine. Whatever.
04:42Oh, thank you, Matty.
04:48Goddamn Beatle Bailey. Fucking around on my tax dollars.
05:04Hi. Can I help you?
05:06Hi. Yeah, we're, um, uh, Chris's friends from school.
05:10Oh, yes, of course. You can go on in. The boys are playing.
05:19Bash his head in!
05:20Chop off the legs first!
05:21Kill him!
05:22Die, you ugly piece of shit! Chop his fucking head off!
05:24Dude, you stabbed him!
05:25Shit, I'm dying!
05:27Who is it?
05:31Fucking God!
05:33Dammit!
05:34The owlbear dodges your mace, slashing you nose to navel.
05:37You take 12 points of damage as the owlbear laps up your blood.
05:41You are seriously going to kill me right before we find the temple?
05:44Fuck you in the ass, Chris! That's not appropriate!
05:47Yeah, Chris, what the hell? We can't play without Brent.
05:49Hey! The rules are the rules. You don't like my game, you can leave any time.
05:54You know what? Fuck this, then. I want my velvet dice bag back.
05:57You've been a real asshole ever since you kissed a girl.
06:00Fuck you and the half-horse, half-dragon you rode in on. Come on, guys!
06:03Okay, fine. Okay, bye-bye! Get out of here! Now I don't have to work your missing father into the
06:09storyline!
06:09This is bullshit! Let's get out of here.
06:13Uh, hey.
06:14John Bennett. What the hell are you doing here?
06:16Well, uh, my family and I were hoping that you had some marijuana we could purchase.
06:21Now's not a good time, okay? I just wasted a masterpiece of a D&D campaign on a bunch of
06:26ungrateful shits!
06:28Oh, I'm, uh, so sorry to hear that. Uh, we'll make this quick, then.
06:33I am too mad to sell weed right now, okay? I need to lie down in the dark and look
06:37at my glow stars.
06:38You're, uh, you're upset about your masterpiece, is that right?
06:41Fucking A right!
06:42Well, maybe we can help you out.
06:44What do you mean?
06:46Well, maybe we can play your game, and we could get some pot while we're at it.
06:51I don't want to start this adventure over with a brand new fucking group, sorry.
06:56Come on, don't you want to make those assholes jealous?
06:59Yeah, think about the look on their faces when you're doing this with new guys.
07:03The fuck was that?
07:04What do you mean? I was rolling dice.
07:06No, you weren't. That's not what that was.
07:08Yes, it was.
07:08You were biting your lower lip.
07:10Yeah, because I'm so excited about the game.
07:12And why just throw it on his face?
07:14Have you guys ever even played D&D before?
07:16Uh, no, but we learn fast.
07:18Wait a minute, you guys. Is this even fucking worth it? I don't know shit about this weird game.
07:22Is D&D the one with hungry hippos? Wait, what am I thinking of?
07:25Forget it. You'd make a mockery of the art form.
07:28Well, now, hang on a second. Just hang on.
07:29How about we make it interesting?
07:31If we can beat your game, you give us the weed.
07:36Best the quest.
07:38Earn the herb.
07:40You just said that like you think it rhymes.
07:42You don't think that rhymes, do you?
07:43Just think about it.
07:44A D&D game with real-world stakes.
07:47Imagine how alive you'll feel.
07:51All right, we'll do it.
07:52But we have to play at your place.
07:53My son wakes up early in the morning for school.
08:02Because this is your first time playing,
08:03I've gone ahead and pre-made your character sheet
08:05so we can jump right into the game.
08:07It says I'm a mage. What's that?
08:09It's like a wizard.
08:10Do I get weekends off?
08:11That's your first question?
08:13Hey, I'm starting a new job.
08:14I think it's reasonable to know what the hours are.
08:17Bard? What's a bard?
08:18It's a balladeer, a singer of songs.
08:21Oh, great. That's useful.
08:22Oh, shit, it's a dragon.
08:23Don't worry. Here's Material Girl.
08:26Blair, what are you?
08:27I'm a thief.
08:28So I steal shit?
08:31Yeah, like in The Hobbit.
08:32Oh, like Dildo Baggins.
08:33What?
08:34Dildo Baggins, The Hobbit.
08:36Bilbo.
08:36It is?
08:37Yes.
08:38His name was Dildo Bilbo?
08:40Hi, kids.
08:41What you doing?
08:42Oh, hey. Hey, Ma. We're just, uh, we're just playing a game. This is our friend Chris.
08:48Hi, Chris. Johnny, did you warn him about the toilet down here?
08:52What about the toilet?
08:53Chris, if you're gonna use the toilet, there are five things you need to know.
08:57We're, uh, we're actually in the middle of a game here, Ma.
08:59I know. It looks like so much fun. Can your father and I play?
09:04Oh, I think it's not.
09:05Yeah, it's not.
09:06Great. See ya.
09:07Oh, no, Maddie, wait, wait.
09:09Johnny, we just want to spend some time with you.
09:11Take an interest in your interests.
09:14You know, this adventure actually is balanced for five heroes.
09:17I have extra character sheets if they want to play.
09:20Oh.
09:21Uh, sure. Yeah, sure.
09:24Oh, wonderful.
09:27Now, do I need to put any makeup on? Am I okay?
09:29You're, you're fine.
09:31Mr. Bennett, you'll be playing our cleric.
09:33Mrs. Bennett, you'll be playing our fighter.
09:35Oh, I like that.
09:37Like Nancy Crawford.
09:39What?
09:40Our neighbor.
09:41She had cancer.
09:43She was a fighter for a while.
09:47Wasn't enough, though.
09:49God gave up on her, the poor thing.
09:51I can't remember what kind of cancer she had.
09:54I do remember she lost a big piece of her tongue.
09:58Can the cleric be deaf?
09:59All the information about who you'll be playing in the game is recorded on your character sheet.
10:03I've assigned you your class, but you can go ahead and pick your race.
10:07White.
10:08What?
10:09You said I can pick a race.
10:11Oh, no.
10:12Can I pick white instead of one of the races?
10:14No, by race we mean elf, half-elf, dwarf.
10:17Why don't we just start the game now?
10:19Cancer.
10:20It's not a good one.
10:21Our adventure begins in a weathered, old tavern at the edge of a mysterious forest.
10:39I already fucking hate this.
10:49You're a band of traveling adventurers, and you've heard tales of a great hidden temple filled with gold.
10:56It was guarded by the Iridor cult until they all disappeared.
11:01Rumor has it, a cultist who defected now frequents this tavern and has a map to the temple.
11:08All right.
11:09Where do we start?
11:10The sooner we find this map, the sooner we get the, uh, treasure.
11:14Maybe the bartender knows something.
11:19Yeah, I'll have a Sam Adams.
11:21Oh, I am sorry, good cleric, but here we only serve mead.
11:25What are you, an asshole?
11:26I'll have a pint of mead.
11:28He will absolutely not have alcohol.
11:30He can have a Dr. Pepper.
11:32Dr. Pepper?
11:34These are strange words.
11:36Christ, it's that Mexican restaurant all over again.
11:39Guys, look.
11:44I bet that's our cultist.
11:50Hey, Star Wars.
11:51Can we talk to you for a second?
11:54Speed.
11:55Oh, poor man.
11:58I bet he's anorexic.
12:00You know, your body's beautiful just the way it is.
12:04Jesus Christ.
12:05Here we go.
12:05Are you the guy with the map?
12:08Yeah, yeah, Steve and Tyler.
12:10Shh.
12:11Let him talk.
12:12I was one of the Iridor followers.
12:15In our attempt to purify this world, we gathered in the temple and awakened a great otherworldly force.
12:24But it was too powerful, too evil, and now it could destroy our entire realm.
12:31Can I just hear you sing, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world?
12:35Do you have a map to this evil temple?
12:38I vowed never to return.
12:41So you may have my map.
12:48I think this is a gay bar.
12:50I mean, I don't care, but it is.
12:52Do they have bathrooms here?
12:58I'll just hold it.
13:13Looks like we continue this way for a bit through Warlock Woods.
13:19Hey, you think we'll see a centaur?
13:20Maybe.
13:22Hey, is there such a thing as a reverse centaur?
13:25Like just a naked guy with a horse's head just walking around?
13:28Oh, yeah.
13:29Just like a naked dude body with a dick flopping around with a big horse head?
13:33Yeah, like the worst of both.
13:34Yeah.
13:35Just showing up, making everybody uncomfortable.
13:37Yeah, it's like go home, dude.
13:38Go home.
13:39Nobody wants you here.
13:40Yeah, no one wants to see your horse head and your man dick.
13:42Just walking down a street, dropping the occasional pile of shit?
13:45Yeah, it's like, dude, this is a public fucking park.
13:47Get the fuck out of here with your weird fucking setup.
13:49Yeah, there are families here, man.
13:51There's a kid's birthday party right over there.
13:53Get out of here.
13:54Fuck, I'm mad now.
13:55Fucking reverse centaur.
13:56Uh, isn't that what Gary Busey is?
14:01Greetings, adventurers.
14:03Come peruse my wares.
14:05Look, a gnomish merchant.
14:07I have healing potions, sleeping potions, short swords, two-handed swords.
14:12Jesus, look at this stuff.
14:14O.J. would have a field day out here.
14:16And what about you, thief?
14:18How about a brand new dadder?
14:19But beware, I have magical wards to punish those who shoplift.
14:24Well, you know, usually when someone steals, it's a result of a much larger social imbalance.
14:29For fuck's sake, Blake.
14:30Can we just get to the end of this and get the weed?
14:32You got any sunscreen for my fucking head?
14:34It says you sell weapons, potions, and more.
14:38What's the moor?
14:39Well, I have bags of holding, amulets and trinkets, and an immovable rod.
14:44What's an immovable rod?
14:46It's a rod that's fixed in place and cannot be moved.
14:49Well, then how'd you get it here?
14:51Can we just kill this guy?
14:52I'm Susan, by the way.
14:54Susan the Destroyer.
14:55Do you enjoy being in the sails?
14:58Jesus Christ, every fucking time!
15:00Guys, we gotta keep moving, so just buy what you need and let's go.
15:03Okay, I'll take a flint, a torch, and a hundred yards of rope.
15:09Oh, and a tampon.
15:13This is a strange word.
15:15A rod of absorbency.
15:27This is it, the Iridor Temple.
15:37You no get by me.
15:39Ah, great grammar.
15:40This my territory.
15:42You live or die.
15:45Well, Mom, you're the fighter.
15:46Go kick his ass.
15:48Okay.
15:50Well, I can certainly try.
15:57Well, right on your nose.
16:02What do you think we should do, Dad?
16:05Dad?
16:07Dad!
16:09Huh?
16:10Matty, will you please pay attention?
16:12I played Russian roulette in NAMM.
16:14Sorry if this game ain't holding my attention.
16:17The ogre is getting angrier.
16:19Time is running out.
16:20But there may yet be a way to slip past him.
16:24Teddy, play something on your loot.
16:25Maybe you can charm him.
16:27Ah, okay.
16:28Well, Mr. Ogre, I would like to sing a ballad for you.
16:31This is the tale of the movie Philadelphia.
16:36There once was a lawyer named Andrew Beckett who worked with great proficiency.
16:41But none of his co-workers knew about his autoimmune deficiency.
16:45Despite the many legal cases, he'd achieved prestige in.
16:50One day at the firm, a co-worker looked at his face and saw a lesion.
16:56His boss found out that he had AIDS, and so they gave him the hatchet.
17:00He found a black lawyer and asked for help, but the guy said, I don't want to catch it.
17:04Then a library worker kicked him out.
17:07It was because of any AIDS, he just knew it.
17:09The black lawyer said, holy shit, you get treated like us.
17:12I'll fucking do it.
17:13Ted, you're good.
17:14We got it.
17:14Ah.
17:22Jesus.
17:23I can't see shit.
17:25Does anyone have a flashlight?
17:26Oh, Susan, your torch.
17:28Oh.
17:29All right.
17:32Fuck you!
17:34Fuck you!
17:34Fuck me!
17:36Come on.
17:37This way.
17:44Ew, I think that's an orc turn.
18:11Wow.
18:13Look at this place.
18:15I feel like I'm at an art museum.
18:23To pass, we desire four of a kind.
18:27Ah, fuck.
18:29We're gonna have to tip these guys?
18:30A simple task, and easy to find.
18:34Yeah, they're about to find out about the immovable wallet.
18:37What howls without lips?
18:39What runs without feet?
18:40Eat what is always below, and what always must eat.
18:45I just heard that, and I don't remember any of it.
18:47Guess we gotta solve the riddle to keep going.
18:54Shit!
18:55Oh, that's fucking great, Blair!
18:57Okay, okay, nobody panic.
18:58We just gotta solve the riddle.
18:59Something that cows without lips, something that runs without feet.
19:03Runs without feet.
19:04A guy in the Special Olympus.
19:06A diabetic chasing an ice cream truck.
19:08Something that always must eat.
19:10Welfare queens!
19:11Shut up and let me think!
19:12Okay, we know it has to be a group of four, right?
19:15Boys to men!
19:16Oh, nice!
19:17Right?
19:17Wait a minute, if there's four of them, shouldn't they be called boys for men?
19:20Yeah, I don't think that'll work.
19:22There's four of them, boys for men, and work even better.
19:24Yeah, just maybe not with the right crowd.
19:27Wait a minute, um, it's the elements.
19:29Water, wind, earth, fire.
19:31You shit, Blair, you're right!
19:34Uh, fireball!
19:41Okay, I got earth.
19:52Does anyone have any water?
19:53Oh, it says on my paper, I have a pouch of holy water.
19:57Oh, wait.
19:58That's what the fuck this is.
20:00Christ, I've been pissing at it.
20:01Wait, Ted.
20:02This is mostly water.
20:04Not mine.
20:05It's a lot of pulp.
20:06Oh, for fuck's sake, just try it.
20:16Fucking smile at me, you weirdo.
20:19Okay, now we just need wind.
20:21Oh, Teddy, you can blow on its hands.
20:22You're a bag.
20:23You got breath support.
20:25Fucking Christ, I'm blowing people for weed.
20:39Come on!
20:43Oh!
20:44Oh!
20:46Oh!
20:48Oh!
20:49Oh!
20:51Oh!
20:52Oh!
20:59you know what's sad this is the only vacation we've ever taken as a family
21:04guys is this really all fucking worth it i mean do we really need the weed that badly
21:10are you shitting me you want to listen to eddie vetter's voice on a weedless brain
21:14oh god i didn't think of that i watched roadhouse without weed one time johnny it was fucking
21:19terrible patrick swayze has sex in the same pond he just killed a guy in like a week ago
21:24stop it dude john nothing we like is good
21:34oh look it's one of the cultists um excuse me hi are you are you here to save us not
21:46a
21:46not a lot of black people in chris's world huh you're just in time the infamous all-powerful
21:54dralhul will soon end existence as we know it yeah dralhul doesn't mean as much as you think
22:01he does outside of here like we're just hearing about him he is a fearsome being from the nether
22:07realm i am the only one left keeping him at bay well how do we kill him the beast is
22:14nearly
22:15invincible however there is one way to cast him back to his realm you must
22:24what the fuck dad what i fucking sped things along he was about to give us the information
22:29we needed like game winning information we were so close and you ruined everything
22:34why are you guys even here we were trying to protect you what we wanted to get more involved
22:42in your life to make sure that you weren't getting into trouble ma what trouble i just don't know what
22:48i'd do if you turned out like one of those boys in church what boys there were three boys in
22:54the
22:54paper and they did drugs and they got arrested and father odell says it's because of no family
23:02values we don't want you to get humped up on the dew bitch johnny we just want to be a
23:08bigger part of
23:09your life wait you're down here helping us win this game to keep john off drugs yeah anyone want to
23:17weigh in
23:19mom thank you for trying to keep me off drugs i love you now what do you guys say we
23:27win this game
23:29drow hul bursts into the chamber with an eruption of flame
23:42great it's the demon we have no idea how to kill because maddie refuses to go to anger management
23:47fuck your mother wait a minute maybe we can still do this uh i cast magic missile
23:55three points of damage okay three points of damage from your arcane blast drow hul whips around
24:01breathing a cone of black flame dealing 38 points of damage you are dead johnny no
24:10maddie do something jesus susan that was right in my fucking ear all right uh can can i heal him
24:18i
24:18mean that's my whole deal right there's nothing left to heal then i then i i i charge the demon
24:24and i bash in his head like the last guy okay before you can reach him yeah he whips around
24:30with
24:30his barbed tail piercing your chest dealing you 32 points of damage you're dead fucking finally wait
24:37as a thief it says on my character sheet that i carry a potion of darkness you do okay i
24:45use that
24:48and sneak up on drow hul when the torches go out
24:51aha backstab page 40 the player's handbook very clever unfortunately drow hul does have dark vision
24:58so he can easily see you he's going to unhinge his jaw he bites your head off your dad shit
25:03when
25:04she died did she poop herself what the fuck yes you had to roll for that yes that's weird every
25:12time
25:12i go to the john i'm rolling the dice drow hul moves steadily closer what do you do i attack
25:19you
25:20what you heard me i attack you you can't the dungeon master is god fine i attack god that would
25:27be
25:28like attacking a thousand drow huls only a madman would do that pizza in the morning pizza in the
25:33evening pizza at supper time
25:37that's a critical hit uh i take six points of damage i attack again well just i don't know if
25:46you got uh oh my god another nat 20 uh i take 10 additional points of damage
25:52oh come on buddy fuck him up i harness all my strength preparing a death blow
25:59is a one good no no no no no no well there it goes we're all dead well i'm alive
26:13hi i'm susan bennett from framingham massachusetts what's your name
26:19i am draul from hell oh do you know barbara mom what are you doing you're a fighter just
26:27fight him she fucking always does this are you also from the boston area i was birthed by flames
26:34and the wailing of tormented souls oh that's why i had an epidural do you enjoy being a demon
26:45it's okay must be hard having people afraid of you all the time
26:52you know actually it is thank you for acknowledging what did you say your name was susan
26:58susan susan susan susan you are a breath of fresh air oh stop
27:04you know sometimes i think people come to me only for my power or my treasure
27:09no one ever just comes by just to say hi see how i'm doing that must really hurt
27:15you know it does is that why you want to destroy the world
27:20turns out the real demon is loneliness maybe you need to meet some new people
27:25or take up a hobby there's a spot open in my watercolor group
27:30really oh wait no there isn't oh i forgot carol apologized to janine and now she's back in class
27:37what did carol did she drew a portrait of janine and she didn't leave out her mustache
27:43no she hasn't been a mustache and they call me a demon i know right
27:57i needed that i needed that laugh this is why i love meeting new people
28:06and moved by the fighter's compassion drow who dissipates into his infernal realm leaving behind
28:14the temple full of treasure the world is safe the quest is done
28:21my god mom you have no idea how much we love you right now so proud of you aunt susan
28:26you're a
28:26genius well now i see you and your friends are having adventures together without the drugs
28:33oh maddie these are good kids oh yeah we won the lottery susan and don't you worry ma we are
28:39never
28:40gonna use drugs come on let's go
28:47now about those drugs
29:00that was some adventure do you think the fact that we went through that much trouble just to get
29:04some weed is that like a sign of a serious problem no it's a sign of serious commitment
29:10you think maybe somewhere somehow in another dimension the dnd world is real and we're the game
29:17wow
29:32susan is going to love this
29:36what your demon friends are here to play stoners and teddy bears
29:41just tell them to fuck tell them to come down then god language
29:47fucking hate you
29:55oh you've got a head full of someone dreadful and yet alas that someone adores you
30:05everybody needs a best friend i'm happy i'm yours i'm just a clown and i'll bring you down
30:18but you just don't care who's yours
30:24best friend is me
Comments